Parenting So Bad It Hurts

, , , , | Related | October 22, 2018

(Both my parents are doctors, which means that they have very little patience with any of their children’s health problems. The rule growing up was, “If you can complain about it, you can go to school!” At age 12, I have a terrible skateboard accident and walk into our home with blood pouring out of a massive gash in my head, and several broken ribs. I gasp to my parents:)

Me: “Guys, it hurts when I breathe.”

(My father looks up from his book.)

Father: “Then don’t.” *goes back to reading*

Mother: *screaming* “And stop bleeding on the floor; I just mopped it!”

(I went next door and our neighbours took me to the emergency room, where I spent the night. My parents didn’t even notice I was gone, and gave me grief for missing school.)

Can’t Catch Anything Worse Than That Rotten Attitude

, , , , , , , | Healthy | October 21, 2018

(My friend and I are walking down the street when an old man suddenly collapses in front of us.)

Me: “Sir? Are you all right? SIR?!” *no answer*

Friend: “Call 911!”

Me: “On it.”

(The ambulance arrives in less than five minutes. Sadly, the old man has died. He had a massive heart attack and was probably dead before he hit the ground.)

Me: *suddenly realizing* “Wait a minute. [Friend], don’t you know CPR?”

Friend: *looking shifty* “Yes. Why?”

Me: “Why didn’t you do anything for him?”

Friend: “Because he looked gross. I didn’t want to catch anything. Besides, he was dead already; it wouldn’t have done any good, anyway.”

Me: “…”

(We’re still friends, but I lost a lot of respect for her that day.)

Some Strange Lab Conditions

, , , , , , | Learning | October 19, 2018

(I teach a biology lab on Friday afternoons. One student is absent, and that evening I receive an email.)

Student: “Hi, professor. I could not come to lab today. I’m wondering, am I able to do the lab without coming to lab? Since I did not come to lab, can I still get 100% for the lab?”

Me: “Hi, [Student]. Unfortunately, you do need to come to lab to do the lab, since we’re using equipment you can’t take out of the lab, and hazardous materials that aren’t safe to use outside of the lab. You can only get full credit if you actually do the lab.”

(On Tuesday I see the student in class.)

Student: “Hi, professor. I emailed you last week.”

Me: “Yes…”

Student: “Yeah, my email made no sense. I had a fever; I don’t even know what I said. What I wanted to ask was, can I make up the lab another time?”

Me: “Oh, that makes so much more sense.”

(We scheduled a make-up lab and had a good laugh.)

Been Saying That Since You Were Born

, , , , , | Friendly | October 16, 2018

(I’m young and in a wheelchair. My leg, which is visible, has a giant red birthmark. Other than that, I look healthy. As I’m leaving the store, a worker stops me.)

Worker: *concerned* “Oh, no! What happened?”

Me: *casually* “I was born this way.”

Worker: “Oh… um…”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

(I left. This doesn’t really bother me; it’s said with genuine concern. However, I wish more people thought of disability like we think of hair color. It’s no tragedy, just something that exists.)

 

Shake Your Fist At Them

, , , , | Healthy | October 16, 2018

(I’m chatting with a customer and it comes up that her entire arm, from the elbow down, was badly broken in a car accident. She is only just starting to get enough control of her hand to limply hold a pen. The conversation, of course, drifts to her physical therapy, and she talks about her progress as I encourage her.)

Me: *single fist-pump* “You can do it!”

Woman: *laughing* “No, I can’t! That’s the problem!”

Me: *single fist-pump* “You’ll eventually be able to do it!”

(We chatted for another minute or so before she left. I hope she recovers quickly, or, at the very least, is able to keep smiling as she goes!)

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