Sick Of Your Compliments

, , , , , | Romantic | February 17, 2018

(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)

Me: *encouragingly* “You’re not as hot as you were yesterday!”

Husband: “Give me a break! Lots of people aren’t as attractive when they’re sick.”

(Nothing wrong with his sense of humor!)

This Is Not A Feint

, , , , , | Related | February 14, 2018

(My aunt has some fainting spells when she is a teenager, but she can feel them coming on. She and my mother are visiting their grandmother’s house when my aunt feels that she is going to faint.)

Aunt: *comes out of bathroom* “Grandma? I’m going to lie down on the floor right now and faint. Don’t be scared, okay?”

Great-Grandmother: “What?” *sees my aunt on the floor and starts screaming for my mom*

(Five minutes later, my aunt wakes up on the couch with a damp towel on her head, two fans on around her, and my mom fanning her. My great-grandma is frantically talking into the phone to my grandma — my mom and aunt’s mom.)

Aunt: “Hmm?” *groggy* “Grandma, I told you not to freak out.”

The Bank Wants Your Money And Your Blood

, , , , , | Healthy | February 12, 2018

I work as a bank teller. One morning a customer walks in, and I notice that he is both extremely pale and has a rasping cough as he approaches me to make a withdrawal. Just as I grab his money and begin to count it out in front of him, to my horror, he suddenly turns his head to the side, coughs violently, then begins to vomit a large amount of blood.

My coworkers quickly move to get the customer a chair to sit in as I call 911. During the commotion, an apparent acquaintance of the customer rushes in and helps hold him upright to walk him to the chair

Less than five minutes later, an ambulance arrives and takes the customer away. We learn the acquaintance is actually the customer’s neighbor. The customer had been feeling very unwell the last few days, and the neighbor had agreed to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to stop at the bank first to make sure he had some cash on hand if necessary. We block off my teller station and call in professional cleaners to come and clean up the potentially hazardous blood.

A few months later, I am working at my usual station again when I call for the next in line and suddenly realize I am talking to this same customer. I almost don’t recognize him, as he has much more color to his face and appears to have put on some necessary weight. He also recognizes me, and apologizes again for the incident. It turns out the pain he was experiencing was from his appendix, which actually ruptured as I was waiting on him. He says that the doctors have now given him a clean bill of health, and then he leaves, after jumping up and down a few times to show how much his health has improved.

Her Argument Has Your Foot To Stand On

, , , , , | Friendly | February 12, 2018

(I am a 20-year-old male. I completely destroyed my foot in a soccer game two months ago, and I’m now returning to work. I have a full cast on my leg and have to get around on a little scooter. I sit in a disabled seat on the bus that is close to the door, put in my headphones in, and start watching a show on Netflix. About halfway into the ride, a woman stands in front of me; I think nothing of it, until she decides to reach forward and rip my headphones out of my ears.)

Me: “WHAT THE HELL, LADY?!”

(I look up and realize she is pregnant.)

Lady: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Okay. Is it mine?”

Lady: “What? No! I just need to sit there.”

(I look around the bus; there are seats available everywhere.)

Me: “I seem to be missing why I should give a d***. You could sit over there.”

Lady: “I’m pregnant! I demand to sit here! I can’t stay on my feet, and walking all the back there isn’t going to be good for me!”

(I now look at my cast, at my scooter, and back at her.)

Me: “And you think it’s going to be great for me?”

Lady: “You’re probably just faking it! Move!”

Me: “No! I got here first! Also, this is a hard cast. I would have to be very dedicated in order to go through the trouble of making a fake cast.”

Lady: “Move! I’m bringing a baby in the world; I deserve this seat!”

Me: “No. You don’t. I don’t owe you anything. This is a disabled seat. If you want, I can pull out my temporary disabled sticker. But go sit elsewhere.”

(She tried to tell the bus driver, and asked him to tell me to move, but he told her to stop being a whiny bitch, sit down, and just shut up. She glared at me the whole time. It was so worth it.)

Someone Had A Hand In This Decision

, , , , , | Working | February 11, 2018

(I work at a popular restaurant where we cut all our own fries, despite only having one small machine to do it. One day while prepping a batch with the machine, a coworker badly cuts up his hand, requiring him to get stitches. A month later, one of my bosses spots me in our fridge and ushers me over to some newly delivered boxes.)

Boss: “Check it out.”

(It turns out, we’ve received a dozen boxes of pre-cut fries.)

Me: “Oh, wow! No more fry cutting?”

Boss: “We finally talked the higher-ups into letting us get them pre-cut on a safety issue! God bless [Coworker] for cutting off his hand!”

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