Hats Off To Humor

, , , , , | Right | September 23, 2020

One day after work, I decide to run a well-known store for groceries and while I’m there, I decide to buy some beer. I’m twenty-six and I usually look at least my age or older because I’m losing my hair from the front rather than the back. Today, I’m wearing my T-shirt from work and a hat.

Cashier: “I need to see your ID. You don’t look twenty-one.”

Me: *Takes off my hat* “Now I do!”

The cashier, the lady behind me in line, and I all burst out laughing.

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Do You Need To Be Drunk To Enjoy Your Family’s Happiness?

, , , , , | Related | September 11, 2020

My love and I are going to get married and we have an occasion where we can tell family members in person and we’re not stealing the spotlight from someone else.

Me: “So, the cards will come in a few weeks. Please let us know if you come!”

Aunt: “Of course I’ll come! I love wedding parties!”

Wife-To-Be: “Yes, and we decided to do things our way, so expect things to be different. But what and how things will be different… will be a surprise!”

Aunt: “Oh, that’s okay. Just place me at the bar and I’ll have the best time of my life!”

Me: “Yeah, about that… We decided to keep this wedding alcohol-free. There will be no alcohol served.”

My aunt snaps her head around to look at me. Her smile is gone. 

Aunt: “What did you say?”

Me: “We… asked the bar to not serve any alcoholic beverages.”

Aunt: “But… but… why?!”

Wife-To-Be: “We have our reasons. Besides, we want everyone to have fun and not have to worry about who has to drive.”

Aunt: “Oh… okay.”

Uncle: “Well, we’ll be looking forward to your invitation!”

My aunt and uncle did not attend the wedding; they had forgotten about a planned vacation they booked one week after we told them. Such a shame.

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Meet My Alter-Ego: Sober

, , , | Right | September 11, 2020

I work in a hotel. It’s a slow Sunday around 2:00 pm. A guest I recognise from his check-in yesterday comes to the front desk from the outside. 

Guest: “Hi! My name is drunk. Can you give me my key card, please?”

Me: “Yes, sure.”

I hand him his key. He drops his key twice, and he falls twice trying to get onto the elevator.

Guest: “Can you please tell me my room number?”

Me: “It’s 234.”

Guest: “Thank you so much!”

He finally gets onto the elevator. My coworker is dumbfounded.

Coworker: “Did that guy just say, ‘Hi! My name is drunk.’?”

Me: *Laughing* “Yup!”

A few hours later, the guest comes back from his room.

Guest: “Hi! Uh… sorry to bother you, but… when did I come back here?”

Me: “Around 2:00 pm.”

Guest: “Gosh… I left at 11:00 am. I don’t remember anything, nor how I ended up in my room.”

Me: “Well, you weren’t at your best.”

Guest: “How bad?”

Me: “I’d say really tired!”

Guest: “Please be honest.”

Me: “You came in and said, ‘Hi! My name is drunk.’ And you fell twice in front of the elevator.”

Guest: “Oh, my… F***, I’m so, soo sorry about that!”

Me: “Don’t worry, it’s calm today; you made my afternoon!”

Every time I saw this guest for the rest of his stay, he kept apologizing. But it was so funny how he was too drunk to know his name but stayed polite all along!

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So THAT’S How It Is In That Family, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | September 8, 2020

I’m working a twenty-items-or-less line at a large retail store. It’s very busy, and out of the corner of my eye, I notice a young couple with a huge jug of wine. As they approach me, the male walks away. We must card every member of a group at my store.

Me: “Hi, how are you? I’ll need to see your ID as well as your friend’s.”

Customer: “You don’t need his ID! He’s my older brother and is only here to carry the bottle.”

Me: “My hands are tied; store policy states I must have both your IDs or I cannot sell this to you.”

The customer then throws a fit and demands a manager.

Customer: *To the manager* “Your f****** cashier here won’t sell me my wine because my younger brother doesn’t have his ID. He’s just carrying the bottle for me!”

Me: “You told me he was your older brother.” *To my manager* “I would have thought they were dating by the way they were hugging on each other in line.”

Manager: “My cashier already denied the sale. I’m behind her in that.”

She walks off so no one can argue. The customer stands there, dumbfounded and fuming.

Customer: “You racist! I oughta smack the s*** out of you!”

She stared me down until she stormed off.

So THAT’S How It Is In That Family

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Sweet Clerk; Sour Suggestions

, , , , , | Working | September 8, 2020

I go to a liquor store.

Me: “Let me have the larger bottle of [Brand] brandy.”

Clerk: “Sure. Hey! What’s your usual poison?”

Me: “Usually vodka.”

Clerk: “Oh, have I got something for you to try!”

A nearby associate speaks up.

Associate: “Oh, here we go again! You should get a commission on those.”

The clerk shows me a bottle.

Clerk: “Have you tried [some booze I had never heard of]?”

Me: “Nope.”

Clerk: “You’ll like it! It’s a mix of Cognac and vodka. They also have it in apple and peach.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t want flavored ones. Those are always sweet. I love [Expensive Sweet Liquor] but it’s got sugar and I’m on a low-carb diet.”

Clerk: “Okay, but I promise you’ll like this. If not, bring it back and I’ll drink it.”

We all laugh at his little joke.

I get home and pour a little into a Brandy snifter. I take one sip and it is a sweet liquor. It tastes great, but I can’t drink it; I give it to my daughter who can.

Two days later, I’m in line again, this time with some vodka. This time the “here we go again” associate is ringing me up and the original clerk is lingering behind her.

Me: “Hey, dude! Remember the stuff you encouraged me to get?”

Clerk: “Yeah? How did you like it?”

Me: “It was great, but I couldn’t drink it.”

Clerk: “Why not?”

Me: “Remember I told you I couldn’t do sweet drinks? That stuff was syrup.”

Clerk: “Really? I didn’t think it was sweet.”

A customer behind me speaks up.

Customer: “Was it [Recommended Liquor]?”

Clerk: “Yes, that’s it.”

Customer: “Yeah, man, that’s really sweet.”

Clerk: “Wow! I didn’t think it was sweet at all.”

I just shrugged and shook my head. I wasn’t going to act like a jerk about it — especially since I’m a regular there — but I don’t know how someone could drink a sticky, syrupy drink and not know it’s sweet. I’m glad I’m not diabetic.

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