The More You “Need” It The Less You Should Have It

, , , , , | Right | April 30, 2021

A woman wanders up to my register and plops down a six-pack of beer.

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. I can’t sell you the beer until 8:00 am, it’s a state law.”

Customer: “But I need beer. When I walked in, it was almost 8:00, anyway.”

Me: “The register locks out alcohol sales until 8:00 am, so I can’t sell it to you until the register unlocks itself.”

Customer: “I really need this beer! I have to have it. You understand, don’t you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it until eight. The store could lose its liquor license and I could be arrested, fined, and probably fired.”

Customer: “What if you total up the price of the beer and I’ll pay you cash for it? Nobody has to know.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that. You’ll have to wait until eight.”

Customer: *Finally losing it* “I REALLY NEED THIS BEER! MY DAUGHTER IS IN LABOR AND SHE CALLED ME AND SAID SHE NEEDS BEER!”

Me: “If your daughter is in labor, do you think it’s wise to give her beer?”

Customer: *Gets even madder* “FINE! I’ll go somewhere else where they’ll sell some beer!”

I told the store owner about it later and he said, “I’ve heard lots of stupid excuses from customers over the years, but that’s a new one for me.”

1 Thumbs
374

I’ll Take My Martini Mediocre, Please

, , , , , , | Working | April 12, 2021

A server puts in an order for a gin martini. I make it and set it on the bar.

Server: “Um… this guy said he wanted it perfect.”

Me: “Okay, then I need to remake it.”

Server: “Oh, why? What does that mean?”

Me: “Perfect means half dry and half sweet vermouth.”

Server: “Oh, I thought he just meant he wanted it really well made.”

1 Thumbs
319

Moonshine Is The Devil’s Drink; Wine Is A Gift From God

, , , , , , | Related | April 12, 2021

My mother-in-law recently bought a house in a small rural town and asked my husband and me to move in with her. She is very religious and has an interesting take on what is moral and what isn’t. Once we get settled in, I decide to learn a bit about the local history.

Me: “And did you know that [Town] used to be called [Name] Tavern? It was known for its moonshine. It’s a shame that there isn’t a bar in town called [Name] Tavern, but since it’s a dry county, I guess that’s out.”

Mother-In-Law: “We have moved into a hotbed of sin and alcoholism! We live in a tavern! How will I ever face my friends again?! They’ll think I’m a dirty liquor lover if they ever find out! Moonshine is the devil’s drink!

My husband then comes out of his office. 

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], do you feel like driving to [Neighboring Town] and getting us some wine to go with the steaks tonight?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, get me a good Pinot Grigio while you’re there. I’m almost out.”

1 Thumbs
367

A Terrifying Kind Of Stupid

, , , , , | Legal | April 9, 2021

Working for a criminal defense attorney, I meet all kinds of people and hear all kinds of stories. Most of our clients are very nice people, in spite of the trouble they’re in. One, however, really stands out.

She was on at least her second or third DUI and just couldn’t understand why the police and the courts made such a big deal out of it. She insisted that “everyone” drinks and drives and she was sure I could not name a single person who had not done so.

But the clincher was when she told me that drinking and driving couldn’t possibly be illegal because, after all, bars have parking lots! I thought that was the punch line to a joke, but she was dead serious.

1 Thumbs
402

A Tough Drink To Swallow

, , , , , | Romantic | CREDIT: BlackbirdNamedJude | April 5, 2021

My last relationship was beyond bad; he was all sorts of abusive and controlling. At one point, I had the strength to break up with him, but then we got back together after we discussed some things. Stupid, I know, but love and all that. One of the things we agreed on when we got back together was that he and I would stop drinking alcohol because he was beyond crazy aggressive when he drank, and I wanted to support his sobriety. This is REALLY important.

Fast forward about eight months or so. We got into a huge fight and I not only broke up with him, but I kicked him out of the house and told him he wasn’t ever allowed back inside. We’d been living together for over a year at this point, so his mom got in touch with me about getting his stuff. While on the phone with her I could hear him in the background.

Ex: “Make sure they get everything I own or bought. I want it all back.”

Apparently, he even wanted stuff he gifted me back, but honestly, I didn’t care. I was happy to get rid of anything related to him. While cleaning our room up and gathering EVERYTHING, I started to come across numerous bottles and cans of alcohol. It seems he had been drinking again for a while and was hiding the evidence in the room. I mean, he was hiding them under the bed, in his guitar case, rolled up in his clothes, in some old backpacks of mine, and so on and so forth.

He had said he wanted everything of his, so any bottle and the few unopened cans I found went straight into one of the garbage bags of his stuff. By the time I had gathered everything up, I had three bags of stuff and one was basically all just the alcohol.

Dropping them off was just so satisfying. He actually called moments after I left his parents’ place, ranting.

Ex: “You are being so petty and immature!”

My response?

Me: “Well, you wanted all of your stuff back, and those definitely weren’t mine. Plus, I figured you’d probably need a drink to deal with the breakup.”

I promptly ended the call and blocked him on everything. That was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done.


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of April 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of April 2021 roundup!

1 Thumbs
768