Never Take A Shot At Guessing Pregnancy

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 21, 2019

(I’m at a bar and I’ve ordered a shot. The bartender sets it on the bar in front of me, but before I can drink it, a woman storms up, grabs it, and dumps it out on the floor.)

Woman: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing? You’re going to be a terrible mother.” *to the bartender* “And you should be fired! This is the most irresponsible thing I’ve ever seen!”

Me: “Um—“

Woman: “No, you listen to me. You can’t drink when you’re pregnant! I should report you to the police; you’re going to—”

Me:Lady. I’m not pregnant; I’m just fat. Jeez.”

(She stared at me for at least a minute, then stammered out an apology and told the bartender to replace my drink on her tab.)

Bombarded With Booze

, , , , , , | | Related | May 14, 2019

(My family and I go on holiday to ski, and we do the usual skiing holiday stuff: go down slopes, stay in chalets to eat and rest, gather for dinner in an osteria, and so on. I am only a few years old, so most of my time there is spent with a ski teacher, but one day my mom leaves me in the care of my 14-year-old sister and her tagalong friend. After spending most of the afternoon going down gentle slopes and playing in the snow, my sister and her friend decide to stop at a bar for a bit. We are in Italy.)

Sister: “Hey, [My Name], you want hot chocolate, right?”

Me: *nods*

Sister: “[Friend], go pick up two bombardini and a shot of vodka.”

Me: “What’s a bombardino?”

Sister: “Hot chocolate with whipped cream!”

Me: “Oh.”

(I trust her on that and wait at the table. Then, my sister’s friend comes back with two tall glasses full of a brown liquid topped by whipped cream, and a tiny glass of clear liquid.)

Sister: “Here. Be careful, it’s hot!”

(I take a sip. I immediately feel a very, very bitter taste in my mouth, as my stomach churns and my mouth feels cottoned. I get up in a panic and run outside the bar’s palisade before stopping, kneeling, and vomiting profusely. My sister’s friend runs up to me.)

Friend: *yelling* “Why did you actually let him drink it?!”

Sister: *shocked* “I didn’t think alcohol could be that bad for him.”

(For the uninitiated, a bombardino is a cocktail composed of eggnog, brandy, coffee, and whipped cream. When I got back to the hotel, I looked absolutely miserable, my mom forbade my sister from watching over me for a long time, and I got a distaste for alcoholic drinks.)

Fast Food Customers Pulling A Leroy Jenkins

, , , , , | | Right | April 29, 2019

(I work the night shift at a  fast food place from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. Needless to say, we get many strange or unusual customers, which I usually have to deal with due to working the front.)

Group Of Drunk Customers I See A Lot: *sees me* “AYYYYY! LEROY!”

(Leroy isn’t my name.)

Me: *grinning* “Hello!”

(That group proceeds to call me Leroy whenever I walk by or am just bagging orders.)

Drunk Girl: “Hey, [My Name]! What are you doing tonight?” *to her equally drunk friend* “If I show off my boobs will I get faster service?”

Me: *thinking the answer is obvious*

Drunk Girl: *in my direction, honestly I have no clue if she’s asking me* “If I sucked a d**k would I get faster service?”

Drink Is Not The Problem Here

, , , , , , | Related | April 8, 2019

(This takes place on my cousin’s wedding day. She is marrying a very nice man whose family is strictly religious; as such, they are very against alcohol consumption. During the reception, my cousin is speaking to her new sister-in-law, drink in hand. She is pouring her heart out about her father’s suicide earlier in the year and how devastated she is that he couldn’t walk her down the aisle.)

Sister-In-Law: *reaching out and wrenching the glass of champagne from my cousin’s hand* “Well, sweetie, maybe if you didn’t drink so much, these things wouldn’t happen to you. Did you ever think that this is God’s way of punishing you for your sins?”

(We quickly separated the two, got my cousin a new drink, and fawned over her until she could enjoy her wedding day again. It’s now years later and it still boils my blood.)

Drunk Discussions Should Be Tabled

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | March 27, 2019

(Some friends of mine have gotten together. One of the group is American and is visiting the UK for a few days. As the evening goes on, and drink has been drunk, one of the friends drunkenly starts telling the American friend all sorts of “facts” about his own country, resulting in this gem.)

Drunk Friend: *to American Friend* “…and America is big, you know? It’s bigger than this table!”

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