Trash-Talking Your Ex

, , , , , | | Related | May 23, 2018

My parents recently divorced and my mom moved out as a consequence. Both of my parents were pretty down about it and relatively hostile towards each other, which put a lot of strain on me and my siblings.

One day my mom was visiting us children, eating a small snack with us at the table, while my dad was sitting on the sofa a few metres away. I went to the calendar hung on the wall to check for an appointment and realised that my dad had reassigned the row showing my mom’s appointments to instead show when each kind of trash was emptied by the city; however, the top row with her name was written in non-erasable pen.

That seemed like such a typical thing that a divorced couple would do out of spite that I broke down laughing hard, because my dad absolutely didn’t intend it to be malicious; he put it there simply because my mom used to take care of the trash and there was space. Of course my mom came to look at what was so funny and broke down laughing, too.

When my dad walked over, too, she joked about how insulted she was about being used as a trash reminder and he joked back that she deserved it. Consequently, my whole family spent a quarter hour laughing and wheezing on the floor. I think that moment saved our relationship as a family; that day was the first time they had talked with each other in person, not over text or asking us to relay messages. In the following days and weeks they started handling each other with a lot less tension and apologized for putting us between them. I’m very glad for that silly little coincidence.

Father Of The Tried

, , , , , | | Related | May 22, 2018

(It’s my wedding day, and my dad is driving me insane. Literally.)

Dad: “I’ll drive you to your hairdresser appointment.”

Me: “Thanks, but I can drive myself, Dad.”

Dad: “No! It’s your wedding day, and I know how you brides get. You’ll probably crash your car because you’re hysterical. Better to let me do it.”

Me: *giving up* “Fine. I need to go to [Salon]. Because the timing is a bit tight, I’ll need to take my dress with me and change after my hair is done, so don’t drive off with my dress still in the car, okay?”

Dad: “Leave everything to me.”

(We get in the car and start driving… in the wrong direction.)

Me: “Dad?”

Dad: *ignores me*

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “WHAT?”

Me: “Where are we going?”

Dad: “To [Wrong Location], just like you told me!”

Me: “No, I told you [Salon]!”

Dad: “Ugh.” *turns around*

(We arrive at the correct location.)

Me: “Okay, Dad, just let me grab my dress—”

Dad: *starts to drive away*

Me: “DAD!” *bangs on car*

Dad:Now what?”

Me: “My dress!”

Dad: “Oh, for Pete’s sake.” *opens trunk*

(The rest of the day goes fairly smoothly, but then we get to the reception. I am happily chatting with some of my guests when Dad walks up to me with a scowl.)

Dad: “Hey, I need to talk to you.”

Me: “Sure, what’s up?”

Dad: “Your grandmother needs a cup of tea.” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Okay?”

Dad: “Well? Talk to one of these people!” *gestures at the staff*

Me: “Why me?”

Dad: “You’re the bride! They’ll listen to you!”

Me: “Dad, you’re the father of the bride, and you’re a guest. They’ll listen to you.”

Dad: “Hmph.” *stomps away*

(The irony is that, after his insistence that brides get “hysterical,” the only thing making me even close to hysterical that day was HIM. I still love him, though.)

Leaves Her Baby In A Flash (Drive)

, , , , , | | Right | May 22, 2018

(A customer comes in with her baby in a carrier. She sets the carrier down by her feet as she approaches my cash register.)

Customer: “Where are your flash drives?”

Me: “Over in aisle six.”

Customer: “Great. Can you just watch my baby for me? He’s just right there.” *points to her feet and quickly walks away*

Me: “Um…”

(I lean over the counter so I can see the baby, and he’s there sitting in his carrier. I keep watch on him, afraid that another customer will come and pull me away from him, or not see him on the floor and kick the carrier. The customer comes back about two minutes later.)

Customer: “Thanks for watching him.”

Me: “Um… Okay.”

(A few weeks later, I leave my cash to take some baskets back to the front door, and when I return, I gasp to see a baby in a carrier on the floor, unattended.)

Me: “Um! There’s a baby over here!”

(I turned around and recognized the same woman from a few weeks before, WAY at the FARTHEST till away, checking out! She didn’t even hear me call that there was an unattended baby. When she was done checking out she just slowly walked back over to get her baby.)

See You Later, Elevator

, , , , , | | Related | May 21, 2018

(I get in the elevator with a man and his young son. The son has been playing with a basketball in the hallway. As we’re riding down:)

Son: “Can I dribble in here?”

Dad: “No.”

Son: “Okay. No dribbling in the alligator.”

Dad: “Elevator.”

Son: “Right. No dribbling in the elebator.”

Dad: “Close enough.”

(I couldn’t help but chuckle.)

Refuses To Give Up The Bounty

, , , , , , , | | Related | May 18, 2018

(My mother is helping me sort my son’s clothing to donate anything he has outgrown. I have really small feet, so I have to shop in the kid’s section for footwear.)

Mom: *holds up a small pair of Boba Fett socks* “I think [Son] has outgrown these; shouldn’t we donate them?”

Me: “Those socks are too small for him, but they are mine, so it doesn’t matter that he can’t wear them.”

Mom: “You are a grown woman, and you have Star Wars socks?”

Me: “Does being an adult mean I shouldn’t have Boba Fett socks?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “I feel a sudden need to do away with such silliness.”

Mom: “The socks?”

Me: *grabs socks* “No, adulthood.”

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