A few years ago, I (let’s say my name is Cara for this story) was staying with a dear friend when her parents came to visit for the weekend. That night, the three of us cracked open a box of wine, started playing cards, and talked and kept going until almost 0100. I finally staggered off to bed thinking: “Wow, I hope I have that kind of energy when I’m their age!”

The next morning at 0830 in the kitchen with a much-needed coffee, I told my friend:

Me: “Your parents are fantastic, but they have way more energy than I do.”

She burst out laughing and filled me in on the morning’s confessions:

At 0730, her dad came down for coffee and said:

Friend’s Dad: “I finally had to get some sleep last night; your mother and Cara were chatting up a storm, and I couldn’t stay awake for another second!”

At 0800, it was her mom who came in and reported:

Friend’s Mom: “I was completely exhausted, but your dad and Cara were having such an intense conversation I didn’t want to be rude and leave!”

It turns out that probably none of us wanted to still be awake at 0100! We had spent the entire night trapped in a polite game of chicken, each waiting for someone else to surrender first.

CONTENT WARNING: Death of a pet

My grandmother is a hundred years old with dementia (thankfully the sweet and “adorable” kind). My mom visits her nearly every day, and she would always ask her about me and our dog as a pair. She loves dogs, and latched onto the fact that I do too, so most of our conversations are about the joys of having dogs. Sadly, though, our dog suddenly died a few months ago, and her questions changed to when we’d get our next dog and how everyone should have a dog.

She announced to everyone she wanted to come with us to pick out a new dog, and would remind us to bring her during visits. Given she’s frail and has limited mobility and energy, going to the local humane societies would be too big of a trip for her to handle. Even scenic drives are big excursions for her these days. Still, we were trying to figure out a good compromise to fulfill the desire to see dogs (likely her main motive for wanting to go).

Due to some health issues, my mom wasn’t able to visit her for most of this month. This is the longest stretch she’s been without seeing her outside of going on vacations, and she finally felt well enough to visit her again yesterday.

Me: “So how was your first visit to Mimi?”

Mom: “Good! She was great today. And we apparently have a dog now!”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “She thinks she went with us to the humane society and picked out a dog. She was talking all about how she had a great time.”

Me: “…Well, guess that’s one problem solved. So, what kind of dog did we get?”

Mom: *Laughing.* “I don’t know! She didn’t say, and I couldn’t think of a way to ask without making her realize we don’t have one and start asking to go again!”

Well, here’s hoping that whatever dog we eventually get matches her “memories”.

I think I got this from a TV show, but I told my girls that the ice cream truck only played music when it was out of ice cream…

One day my sister asked her nieces:

Sister: “Oh, I hear the ice cream truck! Who wants some ice cream?!”

My oldest daughter turned to my sister and told her in a corrective tone:

Daughter: “Aunt [Sister’s Name], everyone knows the trucks only play music when they’re all out of ice cream…”

The look on her face as she stared at me, realizing what I had done, was pretty classic.

A few years later, my sister had kids of her own, and this time it’s my turn to hear the ice cream truck and ask my niece and nephew:

Me: “Who wants some ice cream?!”

Niece: “Aunt [My Name], everyone knows that’s the fish truck. They don’t sell ice cream…”

I can imagine the look on my face as I stared at my sister was similar to how she looked back then…

We parents are dropping off our kids (four to five years old) at preschool. I’m with my husband, as we’re all on the same route to work, so it works out nicely that we both can drop off our son.

Husband: “Bye, [Son]! Love you! Have a good day!”

Son: “Bye, fat-a**!”

My husband looks shocked; other parents are staring, but I’m just laughing.

Husband: “Why are you laughing?!”

Me: “Because I know he didn’t get that from me! I told you a million times to watch what you say in front of him, so this is perfect! This is a conversation for you to have after school.”

It took our kid finally going to school and being around other kids and adults for my husband to finally watch his mouth and to realize that kids are sponges. Now he says fudge, bullzit, and other equally off-brand swears…

Our family (parents, two siblings, and I) is on a long road trip. This is before iPads or mobile screens, so we’re keeping occupied the old-fashioned way: games and talking. I can read books in the car, but my siblings get car sick from doing that, so my dad is sharing interesting facts from a book. 

Until he gets to a fact that sounds like he meddled with it:

Dad: “If you stretch out an adult blue whale from end to end on a professional basketball court… the game would be cancelled.”

Me: *Looking up from my book.* “Wait… that’s the fact?”

Dad: “Well, it would be cancelled, so I’m correct.”

Fourteen-Year-Old Brother: “Not necessarily true if there wasn’t a game scheduled at the time you were ruining that whale.”

Mom: “Gross!”

Fourteen-Year-Old Brother: “So it would be technically correct only based on timing.”

Dad: “If you took into account how often a game is played on the court, and how long it would take to clear away that much whale, it’s very likely that at least one game would be cancelled.”

Fourteen-Year-Old Brother: “That depends on…”

Cue a long and drawn-out argument of “technically correct” points that end up going nowhere except still resulting in a poor landlocked whale. Eventually, the argument dies down, and my little brother says:

Seven-Year-Old Brother: “I have a fun fact to share!”

We tell him to go for it.

Seven-Year-Old Brother: “If you took all the elephants on Earth and stacked them on top of each other… they would all die.”

Mom: “Okay, can we play something, anything, else, please?!”