Imagine What She Could Do With Ten?

, , | Right | November 21, 2019

(I am working as a bouncer for one of the few bars we have in town. One day around closing, I’m talking to a rather drunk girl.)

Me: “It’s nine minutes until closing. Maybe it’s time to go home?”

Drunk Girl: “Oh, no! There’s a lot that can be done in nine minutes, honey!”

Me: *speechless*

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Unfiltered Story #177736

, , | Unfiltered | November 19, 2019

Customer: Oh that is so cool! A whole rack of DVD’s!

Me: No not really, they are VHS video tapes.

Customer: Oh wow old tapes! Is that what we are listening to right now?

Me: No madam we are listening to a live band on stage right now.

Totally Estúpido! Part 9

, , , , , | Friendly | November 18, 2019

(I am on holiday in an all-inclusive hotel complex on the Spanish island of Mallorca. The hotel is a mixture of English, German, Dutch, Russian, and Spanish holidaymakers. I am English but used to live in Spain many years ago. My Spanish is a little rusty at times, but I still try to use it as much as often when speaking to Spanish inhabitants, mainly as I find it a bit more respectful than just expecting them to speak English. Sadly, some of my compatriots don’t think the same way, and many English holidaymakers don’t make the effort to learn even one or two words of Spanish that may help them get by. I have just been served a beer at the bar of the hotel, and I have just had a brief, pleasant conversation with the barman, in Spanish. As I am walking away from the bar, a fellow holidaymaker from England who I talked to a few days ago notices me with the beer in my hand and approaches me.)

Holidaymaker: “Where did you get that beer from?”

Me: *motioning behind me to the large bar that I am about five feet from* “Erm, from the bar.”

Holidaymaker: “Aww, I really want a beer.”

(He then looks at me expectantly. An awkward silence follows.)

Me: “Umm… just go and ask for one at the bar, then?”

Holidaymaker: “But… I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Erm… okay. I’m pretty sure that the barman speaks English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… I heard you talking to him in Spanish. Why would you do that if he speaks English?”

Me: “Because I can speak Spanish and we’re in Spain. It’s not a big deal. Honestly, I don’t think he will mind if you can’t speak Spanish. Just ask him for one in English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… you’re English. Why didn’t you ask him in English? Are you taking the mickey out of me?”

Me: *utterly confused by now* “What?”

Other Holidaymaker: “If he speaks English, and you’re English, then why didn’t you ask him in English?”

(There is another long awkward silence.)

Me: *trying to get away from him* “Lo siento mucho, señor. No hablo ingles.”

(I walked away from him, leaving him totally and utterly confused.)

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 8
Totally Estupido, Part 7
Totally Estupido, Part 6

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What Kind Of Restaurant Is This?!

, , , , | Right | November 6, 2019

(I heard this from my manager who is taking a food order.)

Manager: “Any allergies we need to be aware of?”

Customer: “Cats.”

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It Made More Sense On Paper  

, , | Working | November 4, 2019

(I’ve been working as a waiter at a bar for around a month. I know most drink names and how to do nearly everything a customer might ask, but I still need some help from time to time. It’s a very busy evening and I see a man at the bar who hasn’t been served.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I get you?”

Customer: “A paper booklet.”

(Because there’s so much noise, I can’t hear him properly.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you repeat that? I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “I want a paper booklet!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m quite new here; I don’t really understand…” 

Customer: “Oh, I’ll just ask someone else!”

(He stomps away to ask a coworker. Another coworker comes to see what the trouble is. I tell her what happened.)

Coworker: “He was talking about smoking paper. You know, the paper you use to roll your own cigarettes?”

(I went to get it and apologised to him, an apology he reluctantly accepted. Then, my boss, who was around, asked me what it was all about. I told him what had gone down and he asked why I didn’t get him the tobacco rolling paper before; honestly, it had never crossed my mind! I told my boss that all I could really think about was a small book of papers, and that the only thing I could think of was getting the papers we use to write orders down, stapling some together and giving them to him! He laughed so hard he was nearly crying, and so did all my coworkers; it was all good in the end, and a fun way to end my shift.)

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