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If A Judge Told You To Jump Off A Bridge, Would You Do It?

, , , , , , | Legal | January 20, 2022

My dad worked as a cook on freight ships for several years when he was young, in the mid-1960s. He saw a lot of the world and had some interesting adventures in far-off places, like becoming involved in building the city of Brasilia and getting stuck in the Suez Canal because the Six-Day War broke out around him. His most perilous adventure, as he calls it, was, however, in our own home country of the Netherlands.

The ship he was working on had just docked in a Dutch port that evening, and dad decided to go look for a bar and have a beer or two. For whatever reason, he was alone that night. At the first bar he found, he looked in through the window to determine if it was any fun. Suddenly, one of the locals spotted him, jumped up, and started shouting.

Random Local: “That’s him! That’s the scooter thief!”

Dad had no clue whatsoever what this guy was talking about. He had never stolen a scooter, and he had never seen this guy before in his life. This was not his hometown; he was from the other side of the country. But this random guy was apparently completely convinced my dad was guilty, because he and three of his friends burst out of the bar, yelling that they were going to teach my dad a lesson. An important fact here: my dad was: A) alone, and B) sixteen years old, while his four attackers were all adults.

There was absolutely no reasoning with these guys, so Dad did the sensible thing and started hightailing it back to the ship. His four would-be attackers were apparently so h***-bent on violence that they chased after him, and a few streets over, they managed to corner him on a bridge over a canal.

You know how Sun Tzu stressed the importance of knowing your enemy? A prime example here: the four knuckleheads from the bar thought they had cornered a local scooter thief, but instead, they had encountered a former student of both boxing and full-contact karate (a precursor to modern Mixed Martial Arts), and one who’d been in enough scrapes to know how to translate those skills to an actual fight. Dad would have preferred to run and avoid the fight, but if these guys wouldn’t let him go, then so be it; he was not letting them kick his a** for something he didn’t do.

The night ends with the four brawl-happy bar patrons in hospital… and Dad in a cell at the local police station. Apparently, the cops, attracted by the fisticuffs, decided the only person still standing must be the guilty party and hauled him off on assault charges. The risk of getting into a fight somewhere where nobody knows you is that the police are more likely to pick the locals’ side. Dad figured he’d explain to the judge that it was self-defense, and then surely he’d be let go… right? Well, that turned out not to be as easy as he hoped, because after the explanation had been given, the judge delivered this gem of an idea on how Dad could have avoided the fight.

Judge: “You were on a bridge. Why didn’t you just jump off into the water?”

Yes, this judge actually thought THAT was a good idea. My dad never told me how high that bridge was, but even if it was low enough, jumping into unknown water, at night, with no idea how to get out again? Not to mention the first thing that popped into my dad’s head and out of his mouth:

Dad: “In the middle of winter? There was ice floating in it!”

Apparently, the judge agreed that hypothermia was a real danger, but he still seemed rather reluctant to let Dad off the hook. But acquitted he was, and he stayed on board the ship for the rest of their stay in port, which I think is understandable.

I’ve heard my dad tell that story several times. Every time, people are baffled by that judge’s reasoning. Seriously, who thinks throwing yourself off a bridge is a good way to avoid a fight?

When They Assume Your Security Is Spite

, , , | Right | January 19, 2022

I work in a busy college town bar. It’s not uncommon for people to forget their credit cards. The owner is very strict and “by the books” on this. If someone wants their card back, they need to show up, in person, with a photo ID. Alternatively, we can hand it over to the police so it’s not our problem anymore.

I get a phone call.

Me: “Thanks for calling [Bar]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I was just there the other day, and I left my card. I need it shipped to me pronto!

Me: “I’m sorry, but by our policy, you need to show up in person to get your card back. If you would like, we can turn your card into the police station and they can mail it from there.”

Caller: “What? No police! Just ship me my card!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You either need to come in person, or we can give your card to the police. I can also just shred it for you if you would rather get a new card.”

Caller: “So, you expect me to drive six hours just to get my card?!”

Me: “I do not, but if you would like that card back, I can give it to the police, who can mail it to you.”

Caller: “Absolutely not! I’ll see you in six hours!”

She hangs up. A few hours pass, and I get another phone call. It’s the same lady.

Caller: “Guess what?! My husband just told me I can get a new card mailed to me from my credit card company!”

Me: “Great! So do you want me to shred your old card?”

Caller: “I’m getting a new card! Joke’s on you!”

She hung up again. I stopped for a minute to process what had just happened and then got back to work.

A Fun Twist On “Cheeseburger With No Cheese”

, , , , , , , | Working | January 14, 2022

My restaurant offers table service, and staff takes orders on tablets. We choose the food but can type instructions to the chef, eg “fish & chips”, “no salt,” etc.

Customer: “What’s the soup of the day?”

Me: “Carrot and cumin.”

Customer: “No, I don’t like carrot or cumin, but I love the bread that comes with it. Can I just have the soup of the day, but only the scone, please?”

Me: “If you like. That will be out shortly.”

The soup of the day comes with a scone. However, I can’t find the scone separately on the tablet, so I enter it exactly as he asks. Our chef, from France, comes to me waving the docket that printed out.

Chef: “Hey, [My Name]? What is this h***? Is there something wrong with my English?”

He’s waving the docket from the kitchen.

Me: “Huh? Oh, you mean, ‘What the h*** is this?’ What’s the problem?”

Chef: “‘Soup of the day, no soup’? You wrote this? He wants an empty bowl?”

I speak a little French.

Me: “Nan… Ils veulent juste le pain qui reste après avoir emporté la soupe.” *Take away the soup, and they want the scone that is left.*

The chef is still confused but understanding.

Chef: “Okay, if that is what he wants.”

The boss has heard the commotion.

Manager: “What did you do this time, [My Name]?”

Me: “Guy at table seventeen just wants the scone from the soup dish. I entered it as a soup without any soup.”

Manager: “Let me check with him.”

Me: “I’m not kidding.”

To be fair to the boss, it’s exactly the sort of prank I would play if I knew the customer.

Manager: “I’m in charge, and if he doesn’t get what he asked for, I’ll have to deal with it!”

The boss comes back.

Manager: *To the chef* “All right, give him a scone.”

Chef: “‘Soup of the day, no soup.’ This is brilliant! I will keep this docket for my fridge at home.”

The customer got his scone. The bill got discounted, so he didn’t have to pay for a soup he didn’t order. Our tablets now list “scone” as a separate option.

Not Always Right Takes No Responsibility For This Stupidity

, , , , , | Right | December 21, 2021

I work in a bar and restaurant. It is midnight, four days before Christmas. The phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Restaurant], how can I help?”

Woman: “I want to book a Christmas party for twenty people.”

Me: “I’m sorry to say that our restaurant is fully booked until the twenty-eighth of December.”

Woman: *Ignoring me* “I have the menu in front of me. Can you tell me about the vegan options? The [dish] says it’s vegetarian, but can you tell me why it’s not vegan?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t. The kitchen closed three hours ago, at nine. Only the bar staff are here and they are not qualified to answer those questions.”

Woman: “But your website says you are open until midnight.”

Me: “Yes, we are, and we close in five minutes.”

Woman: “Can you tell me more about the menu?”

The woman rambles for a few minutes, and I don’t want to hang up on her in case she does want to book a party for after Christmas.

Then, suddenly, she drops this gem.

Woman: “Is it midnight yet?”

Me: “Yes, we are now closed.”

Woman: “I’ll let you go then. I bet you’re really happy that I called you. I saw this thing on NotAlwaysRight.com about someone phoning before closing so the person got to go on time. I’ve kept you busy! Haven’t I?”

I’m gobsmacked as I turn to all of my other colleagues rushed off their feet and starting our closing duties.

Me: “It doesn’t really work that way for a bar.”

Having To Self-Order Does Not Make Them App-y

, , , | Right | December 15, 2021

I work in a bar that has had to change all service to seated table service only due to the health crisis. In order to quickly and easily serve our customers, we have a paid subscription with an app to order all drinks directly to the table.

Two gentlemen come in during a Friday night service, which is our busiest night of the week, and state that they would like to sit in the beer garden. After pointing the way to the correct door, I leave them to find their own table and order some drinks.

About twenty minutes later, I’m showing another group to a table upstairs and chatting politely to them about their evening as I do so.

Rude Customer #1: “EXCUSE ME! Can we actually order some drinks, please?!”

Me: “Of course, sir. Just give me one minute to finish seating this group and I’ll be right with you.”

I finish with the table I am seating and walk over to the two men, who have apparently decided that they want this table for six people to themselves inside, despite not mentioning it to a single member of staff.

Me: “Hi, guys. Is the app not working for you to order drinks? If not, I—”

Rude Customer #1: *Cutting me off* “YOU KNOW KNOW WHAT?! THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! All we wanted is to have some f****** drinks, and you can’t be a****d to do your job properly!”

Me: “It’s not a problem, I can—”

Rude Customer #2: *Also cutting me off* “You know, I’m very good friends with [Owner’s Husband] and he would be horrified to hear how you’re treating loyal customers. This is awful! We just wanted some drinks, and you can’t be f***ed to do anything!”

Both customers stormed out of the bar, going right past [Owner’s Husband] and his parents on their way out.

I asked [Owner’s Husband] if he knew them and he said he vaguely recognised one of them from his old school, twenty years ago, but couldn’t remember either of their names.

Last night, we saw a review posted on our website declaring how horrible the staff was and how no one wanted to help them when they asked. [Owner] and I had great fun replying to their comments and supplying the CCTV footage showing two fully grown men screaming at a short, twenty-year-old supervisor after ignoring every policy in place.