Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

Acting Like A Complete Ditch

, , | Right | July 3, 2017

(I don’t work at this pub, but my family like to go there a lot for food so we’re pretty friendly with the staff, even with the owner. It’s nice and quiet in this building despite being directly next to a busy road with high speed traffic. The building itself has a river around two sides. A woman and her family walk in loudly, her talking loudly to someone on speakerphone with the phone next to her ear. We can’t understand her, but she is shouting, and eventually the owner comes and sits with us at our table, head in hands.)

Mom: “Everything okay? You look like you could use a strong drink.”

Owner: “I wish I could. I’d honestly take a straight tequila right now.”

Mom: “Is it that family that just came in? They are being very loud… Does she not know she’s on loudspeaker and we can hear her even at the back here?”

Owner: “Yeah, it’s them. It’d be great if it was something as simple as that; I could handle that. No, they… They crashed their car into the river.”

Me: “What?! Is everyone okay?” *I know First Aid and would have offered assistance if needed*

Owner: “Yeah, they’re all fine. They came around the bend too fast and went in.”

(Before we can say anything else, the woman appears at the doorway the section we are in, snapping her fingers at the owner.)

Woman: “You! Manager! Come here!”

Owner: *gets up with a small sigh, turning to her* “Yes, ma’am? We’re just waiting for the ambulance to get here to make sure your family is okay.”

Woman: “That’s not important. I want to know how you’re going to compensate me!”

Owner: “I-I’m sorry…?”

Woman: “My family could have been killed because of the river on your property and now we’re stranded here! Where is my compensation?!”

Owner: *speechless*

(Although normally I don’t like confrontation, I decide to say something.)

Me: “I’m sorry; you want him to pay you for you crashing your car?”

Woman: *turns to me with a look that could kill* “Yes, that ditch—”

Me: *interrupting* “You already fully admitted to him that you were speeding, all of which would have been captured on there.” *pointing to CCTV above the bar* “At this point, I’d be grateful none of your family was killed or even hurt because of your stupidity, unlike a family I had to help last year after they crashed into a tree.” *I’m getting upset and raising my voice at this point, despite my mom trying to calm me down.* “Now please, be quiet until the ambulance and police arrive because the staff here does not deserve your abuse when they’re already doing their best to help!”

Woman: *sputters a little before quietly going back to her family, saying something in another language*

(We eventually left after giving our statements to the police, and after I calmed down. The woman was quiet for the rest of the time we were there. When we went outside we saw the car.It was flipped almost on its roof and police had completely swarmed around it. Turned out the driver was drunk and speeding, not seeing the edge of the ditch, and flipped it into the water.)

First Date With Bill

, , | Romantic | June 29, 2017

(I’m on a first date with a guy I met through friends. We’re having dinner and drinks in a bar I frequent a lot. He even commented on how the wait staff greeted me by my first name when we arrived, thinking it was funny! It’s come to the end of the night and I’ve been having a great time so far.)

Me: “Thank you so much for a lovely evening! I’ve really enjoyed it.”

Date: “Me, too! We should do this again sometime.”

Me: *I take out my purse* “Sounds good! We should probably ask for the bill though. I hate to cut the evening short but I’ve got work tomorrow and need to catch the last bus home.”

Date: “Yeah… hey, I’ve got this! My treat!”

Me: “Are you sure? Thank you!”

(He goes up to the bar to pay because the restaurant is very busy and there are no servers available. I take that time to double check the bus times on my phone. When he comes back we leave the restaurant together and then go our separate ways. A few days later I’m back at the restaurant for lunch when the manager approaches me…)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name]! Can I talk to you really quickly?”

Me: “Yeah, sure, [Manager]. What’s up?”

Manager: “I just need you to settle up that bill from the other night! You forgot to pay on the way out.”

Me: “What bill?”

Manager: “The bill from your date! It’s all right; we all forget sometimes! How did your date go, by the way?”

(So it turned out the guy asked the bartender to put the bill ‘on her tab’… I tried to text him about it but he blocked my number immediately and then went on to tell our mutual friends the date was ‘a disaster.’ I haven’t seen or heard from him since, but apparently my friends don’t hang out with him anymore either.)

The Sauce Of Your Frustration

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2017

Waitress: “[My Name], this person says they didn’t like their lemon-pepper wings.”

Me: “And why is that?”

Waitress: “They said they were too wet.”

Me: “Not a problem; let me fix that.” *we have a dry rub for this particular flavor, luckily*

Waitress: “Thanks, [My Name]!”

(She later brings the wings back and says the customer told her they were too dry. After making said customer four different sets of dry and wet wings, I decide to go talk to them.)

Me: “So what is it you want done to your wings, sir?”

Customer: “I want my wings to be wet, but not too wet.”

Me: “So, in other words, you just need a little sauce wiped off.”

Customer: “I suppose so, yes.”

Me: *proceeds to do so; walks back to kitchen frustratedly*

This Story Will Haunt You Forever

, , , , | Related | June 6, 2017

(One year while my husband’s younger brother (who is a big guy in his 30s) is down visiting us in Florida, he expresses an interest in going to the Halloween event at a big theme park. Leading up to it, he jeers and laughs and rolls his eyes at how corny all the advertising is, and brags about how he’s not scared of anything. We all get along very well and like to joke with and tease one another in a friendly way. I can’t help but notice as we walk up to the first haunted house of the event that he seems a little less braggy that evening. He’s right behind me in line, and, sure enough, he has my shoulders in a death-grip the entire time. This repeats through every house for the night. He never makes a sound, but I can feel him flinching and jumping, even though whenever we come out of a house, he rolls his eyes and laughs at it. The next day, we’re at the hotel bar on resort property and he’s flirting with a woman who seems pretty into him.)

Woman: “So did you go to the Halloween event last night?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah. It was fun, but it wasn’t even scary.”

Husband: “You seemed pretty freaked out to me, dude.”

Brother-In-Law: *scoff* “How would you know? I was behind [My Name] all night. I was fine.”

(Wordlessly, I roll up the sleeves of my t-shirt to show my shoulders… where each one has five matching, tiny, fingertip bruises from where he was clinging to me.)

Me: “These are not the marks of a fearless man, sweetheart.”

(He blushed red right up to his hairline, and we all shared a good-natured laugh. I guess the woman he was flirting with thought that was cute, too, so he still got her number. Hopefully she can protect him from all those ghosties and zombies out there!)

Page 1/5712345...Last
Next »