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You’ve Got ALL The Skills

, , , , , | Related | May 11, 2022

Back when I was still going to college, over a decade ago, I was visiting my family during winter break and had been traveling somewhere with my father when he asked me if we could stop by the American Legion — a bar/restaurant for American veterans where my father volunteered — on our way back home.

My father originally left me at the bar so he could do some work, but between my not liking the bar scene and everyone there being fifty or older, I grew bored quite fast and eventually went to investigate what was taking so long.

I found my father in front of a computer modifying some sort of document, and it was painful to watch. He was hunting and pecking at the keyboard at a painstakingly slow rate, and after watching a little, I realized he was retyping the same few sentences over and over again with only minor differences.

Me: “You know, you could just copy and paste that.”

Father: “Huh?”

Me: “You know, Control-C and Control-V?”

My father just looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. So, rather than explain, I asked if I could have his mouse. He was in the way of the keyboard, so rather than using the usual hotkeys, I highlighted the section he wanted to copy and then clicked and dragged the highlighted section down, which also copy and pasted the section where I dropped it.

Father: “Oh, wow! I didn’t know you could do that!”

I went on to show him such amazing concepts as the fact that he could double-click on a word and then start typing to automatically delete the word and replace it with what he was typing.

My father finished his chore of modifying the document a little while later and I rejoiced at finally leaving the Legion. However, I still remember his last comment as we were leaving.

Father: “I never knew you were so good with computers.”

I’d been telling everyone I planned to be a programmer since before I was seven. I set up and maintained the computers at our home for years before leaving for college, I’d created — and shown my father — multiple web pages and programs already, I’d already been promised an internship with one of the largest tech companies, and I would be building my own operating system from scratch for a class the next semester. But more impressive than all of that, at least according to my father, was that I knew how to copy and paste!

Taquito Sneak-Os

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: dame_de_boeuf | May 8, 2022

Our establishment has a clear policy: we stop seating at 10:00 pm, and the kitchen is closed at 11:00 pm, no exceptions. No, “Oh, it’s 10:03, we’ll let it slide just this once,” kind of stuff. The bar is open until 2:00 am, but you will NOT get any food that isn’t a packet of chips or some popcorn after 11:00.

Yesterday was a crazy rush, from open to close. I don’t know why, but everyone within like twenty miles of my store wanted to eat Mexican food yesterday. We did 600 covers on a Wednesday. I made almost 2,000 tortillas, which is near a record for our store.

So, around 10:20 pm, three guys rolled in and asked for a table.

Hostess: “That’s not possible, as we are no longer seating, but you’re welcome to sit at the bar and drink.”

They didn’t argue and instead proceeded over to the bar area. One guy tried to order a dozen taquitos from the bartender.

Bartender: “That’s simply not possible.”

So, at exactly 10:37, the three decided to get up from the bar and just go sit at a table. They called a server over.

Guys: “We’ve been here for almost an hour and no one has taken our order!”

The server went back to grab my boss, who told her not to take the order. Apparently, he had seen the whole thing on the camera feed. When the guys were confronted with this information, they left without paying for their drinks. They did this RIGHT AFTER we told them we had their faces on video.

So now, you didn’t get your taquitos, you’re banned from our store, and the police are looking for you. Good job being sneaky, y’all.

Table For Four, Meal For One

, , , | Working | March 23, 2022

The ordering system in my bar and restaurant is pretty flexible. I can enter details like allergies or custom requests, and the chef knows exactly what they want just by reading it. Sometimes, though, it gets colourful.

I’m serving a family of four.

Me: “Welcome! Can I take your order?”

Mum: “Yes, chicken wings, please, with buffalo sauce.”

Dad: “Chicken wings, BBQ sauce.”

Daughter: *Hesitantly* “Sticky toffee pudding.”

Me: “You’d like the dessert?”

Daughter: “Yes, that’s fine.”

Son: “The cheeseboard, to share!”

That’s a dessert, too. It comes in two sizes: small, meant for one person, and large, shared between two.

Me: “All right, thank you!”

I go to enter it into the till, and the manager appears.

Boss: “Hey, [My Name], we’re out of chicken wings.”

I take two menus back to the table.

Me: “I’m afraid we’re out of the chicken wings. Can I get you something else?”

Mum & Dad: “We’ll have one well-done steak, shared between us, please.”

I confirm the order and put it through, but I know the chef won’t believe it. I go to the kitchen. He’s holding the docket that printed out, looking confused.

Me: “Hey, chef? Can I talk you through that order?”

Chef: “Err, please do.”

Me: “I know it looks like two courses, but send it all together. The steak is for Mum and Dad to share, the sticky toffee pudding is for the daughter, and the cheeseboard is for the son, not actually shared. So, I’ll be sending two side plates and two steak knives with the steak. The cheeseboard is definitely the big one, but with no side plates and only one cheese knife.”

Chef: “I’m glad you explained that. Weirdest order for the whole of Christmas, but if that’s what they want!”

I explained it to the manager, too, or there would have been mistakes serving it. They left us a good review.

Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 4

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2022

I work at a student union bar while at university. The bar doesn’t really do great business and so comes up with new ideas to try to attract more customers. One of these ideas is a hotdog stand, which is not popular! I am the first server on shift when this happens. The stand is on the other side of the room from the bar. I’m not allowed to call out about the hotdogs in order to attract customers. I am told to simply sit beneath a sign at the cart and wait for customers to come to me.

I customer approaches, refusing to make eye contact and shifting from side to side.

Customer: “Yeah, I bought a hotdog half an hour ago and it was cold. I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to do that. If you have a problem, please go to the bar and ask for a manager.”

Customer: “Listen, you served me a disgusting, cold hotdog! Just give me £2!”

Me: “Like I said, I am unable to do that. Please speak to a manager at the bar if you are unhappy.”

The customer heads off to the bar and returns with a manager, a guy who is generally miserable in his job.

Manager: “This gentleman says you served him a cold hotdog and won’t refund him. Give him his money back!”

Me: “I can’t do that.”

Manager: “Why not?!”

Me: “I’ve been here for two hours and I’ve been the only one serving hotdogs today. I’ve not sold a single hotdog. This gentleman is mistaken.”

This was the politest way I could think of to say, “He’s trying to scam us.”

The customer disappeared. The manager scowled at me and stomped off.

Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 3
Never Sausage A Thing Before, Part 2
Never Sausage A Thing Before

The Adventures Of Boob-erMan!

, , , , , | Right | March 10, 2022

It’s a hot day and I’ve stopped in a bar/café to have a cold drink and breastfeed my young baby.

The staff are friendly and find me a comfy seat to hunker down in. I’ve been feeding for a few minutes when I notice a man watching me. He seems sleazy and overly interested. Unfortunately, I make eye contact and he comes over.

Sleazy Guy: “Are you offering them out free? Give us a taste!”

Me: “Please go away. I don’t want you near me.”

Sleazy Guy: “C’mon, don’t be like that! Milk’s good for us men, too! I’m happy to share!”

As he comes closer, a male staff member suddenly plops down next to me and lifts up his top.

Awesome Waiter: “Here you go! Have a suckle on this! Otherwise, you can f*** off like the creepy little saddo you are!”

The sleazy guy went several shades of red and stormed straight out of the place. I sat in amazement for quite a few seconds.

The awesome waiter winked and went back to work as if nothing happened. I left a huge tip and made sure to call his manager to let him know he had hired a legend.

When I went back a few weeks later, the awesome waiter was a manager and had the nickname, “Boob-erMan”!