Unable To Face Themselves

, , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(It’s way after last call. I start to clean up tables and overhear this little gem between two of our last guests:)

Customer #1: “Dude! Are you as s***faced as I am?”

Customer #2: “No, what about you?”

I’m Thirsty-Nine Going On Foursty

, , , , | Working | March 6, 2018

(I am attending a very busy event at a brewery. I’m in line at the bar, behind about 25 people approximately the age of my kids. The script is exactly the same for each.)

Bartender: “ID, please.”

Customer: *hands ID over*

Bartender: “What can I get you?”

(The customer orders, gets drinks, pays, and leaves. Finally, it’s my turn.)

Me: “Hi. Can I have—”

Bartender: “I need to see your I…” *she finally looks AT me* “OH! Sorry, I don’t need… I mean, you’re old enough… I’m sorry. You’re not old-old… you’re just…”

Me: “Thirsty. I’m thirsty. Two porters, please.”

Bartender: “Sure, sorry. Just a second.”

(Another bartender brought my drinks when they were ready. I’m really not sure why she was so upset that she said I looked over 21. I mean, the full head of grey hair usually implies age.)

Pray That’s Just Dry Humor

, , , , , , | Working | February 16, 2018

(I work in a bar with a coworker who is absolutely lovely, but can be quite feather-brained. Still, I wouldn’t have believed this if I hadn’t witnessed it myself! I’m sat off to the side on my break while [Coworker] is behind the bar. A customer approaches and asks for a dry white wine. I watch my coworker walk back and forth along the row of wine fridges, looking increasingly confused. Eventually she turns back to the customer.)

Coworker: “I’m so sorry; I think we’ve only got wet ones!”

A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 3, 2018

(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata, etc. — each month, and those nights are always packed. One evening, my friend and I, both women, take a break from dancing to get a drink. We’re waiting at the bar for our orders when a very intoxicated woman pushes between us.)

Random Woman: “Heyyyy!”

Me: “Um… hi?”

Random Woman: *slurring* “You wanna buy me a drink?”

Me: *thinking the bartender has probably cut her off and she’s trying to get around it* “I’m sorry. I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

Random Woman: “Aww! Come on!” *throws her arm tightly around my neck*

Me: *trying to pull away* “Please let go. I don’t know you.”

Random Woman: “Well, you could! We could get to know each other. We could have a lot of fun together…” *leans closer and rubs her thumb against her fingers in the “money/cost” gesture* “But only for 40 bucks!”

Me: *finally gets her arm off my neck* “Okay, you have a good night, now. Bye.”

(I grab my friend, who has both of our drinks, and we go back to our table.)

Friend: “What happened over there?”

Me: “Either that lady was just super drunk, or she was super drunk and also a hooker.”

No ID, No Idea, Part 33

, , , , | Right | February 3, 2018

(As a bartender, I ask for identification from every customer who looks to be under 40 and orders an alcoholic beverage, as is policy. The fines for serving someone under the age of 21 are steep, and punishments could include jail time. My bar doesn’t take any chances. A young lady who looks to be in her early twenties sits down at the bar and orders a Sex on the Beach.)

Me: “Sure, do you have your ID on you?”

Female Customer: “I was born in May of 1992.”

Me: “That will work, but do you have your ID on you to prove that?”

Female Customer: *rolls her eyes and holds her hand up to my face to stop me* “Hold on. Here comes my friend.”

(Her male friend approaches, and I think that maybe he is carrying her ID in his wallet for her.)

Male Customer: *to girl* “Are you getting a drink?”

Female Customer: “I ain’t got my ID, and she—” *glares at me* “—wont let me.”

Male Customer: *to girl* “Okay, what do you drink?”

Female Customer: “Sex on the Beach”.

Male Customer: *to me* “I’ll have a Sex on the Beach. Here’s my ID.”

Me: “Sure, but just to let you know up front, she won’t be allowed to have any of your drink, because I have no way to verify her age.”

Male Customer:  “But I showed you my ID!”

Me: “Yes, sir, and you may have a drink. She did not show me an ID, so she may not have a drink.”

Female Customer: *to man, in a nasty tone* “Well, she just lost her tip.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. It’s better than losing my job.”

(The couple storms away from the bar, the girl still muttering rude things. They sit at a table in my coworker’s section. Just because they are at a different table in the restaurant does not mean the situation will change for her. She will still need an ID. I give my coworker a quick heads-up to brace himself for a tantrum and he walks over to greet them. It’s not long before he comes back to tell us she demanded to speak to a manager.)

Coworker: “Uh, she got online on her phone and pulled up her arrest record to try to prove her age.”

Me: “Seriously?”

(I’ve had customers try and use Facebook to try to prove their age before, but never their online criminal history. Unfortunately for her, that is not one of the four forms of ID that state laws allows us to accept. She continued to berate my manager, until he told her there was nothing we could do for her unless we wanted to risk arrest records of our own, and she stormed out.)

Coworker: “Geez! Now I need a drink!”

No ID, No Idea, Part 32
No ID, No Idea, Part 31
No ID, No Idea, Part 30

Page 1/6512345...Last
Next »