Making America Speak Right Again!

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(My sister works at an auto auction. They take in cars that have been totaled and auction them off to buyers who will either invest in fixing them up or use them for parts. They have many clients from all around the world, and a good portion of them only know the barest of English. One day, a customer comments on this to my sister.)

Customer: “Do you get a lot of r****ds in here who don’t talk English right?”

My Quick-Witted Sister: “We get a lot of people who don’t SPEAK English.”

(And guess what, sir? The guys who can’t speak English well are still lapping you by speaking more than one language at all.)

You Make Me Feel Blue

, , , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(A customer approaches with patchy blue lips.)

Customer: “I’d like to return this lipstick, please; it makes me look like a freak.”

Me: “You know this isn’t lipstick, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You would put this over lipstick to give it an iridescent effect which is why it’s called ‘mermaid.’ You could also put this over eye shadow or even highlighter. That’s why it’s a powder so you can dab it on where you want.”

Customer: “Whatever. I still want to return it.”

(After she leaves.)

Coworker: “She knowingly put on a blue sparkly powder onto her lips and questioned why it made her look like that. Honestly, I don’t know what she thought would happen. I mean, there are different colors like red and gold but she still went for the blue.”

Me: “People are weird.”

Unfiltered Story #144690

, , , | Unfiltered | March 21, 2019

“Hi, I’m looking for something for my mother for Mother’s day.”

“Okay, what were you looking for?”

“Molly…”

I thought perhaps I’d heard wrong so I asked him to clarify…

“Molly – you know, my mother is a prostitute but I still want to look after her.”

At this point I hung up, and upon looking at the caller-id the number belonged to an employee who was trying to prank call us. They were [obviously] not smart enough to block their number and promptly got a call from my manager.

Floored By That Bad Idea

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2019

(I am working in the jewelry department when I notice that someone has placed jewelry all over the floor. I begin picking it up and putting it away when a woman storms up.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I had placed jewelry aside to show my daughter and now it’s gone.”

Me: “Do you mean the items left on the floor?”

Customer: “Yes, and now I don’t know where I got it all from.”

Me: “Ma’am, I put it away because it was a safety issue. If someone had tripped on it, they could’ve hit their head on one of our fixtures and seriously injured themselves. Worst case scenario, someone could’ve died because of your negligence. If you want something set aside, you can leave it on the counters or hand it to me.”

Customer: “Whatever.”

(She left and came back later with her daughter to look again while shooting me dirty looks. I’d rather get dirty looks than have a lawsuit, thank you very much.)

Hydra: The High School Years

, , , , | Learning | March 19, 2019

(This story takes place a little while after “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” comes out. I am a freshman in high school and a huge nerd; I am 100% into Marvel comics, as well as the movies and TV and Netflix shows. Since I am such a fan of “Agents of Shield,” my parents got me a shirt with the Shield logo on it, which I am wearing to class today. It is one of the few days I actually have my math homework finished.)

Teacher: *after checking my work* “Nope, you’re getting a zero.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Teacher: “Hail Hydra.”

(He does give me a grade for the assignment, thankfully. Three years later, I walk into my senior-level math class, which is with the same teacher from my freshman year.)

Teacher: “Oh, [My Name]. Good to see you, and Hail Hydra.”

(I barely passed math that year, but it was not due to the vicious rivalry between our organizations of choice, but rather my complete inability to pay attention to math.)

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