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Time To Make A Clean Getaway

, , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2021

My husband is very anal about cleaning; I am not. With an eighteen-month-old especially, it’s very difficult to keep up with the cleaning. My husband has worked from home for years and I stay to take care of the baby during the day. Typically, he comes downstairs after work, watches the baby while I make dinner, and then cleans the kitchen while I get the baby ready for bed. It’s a schedule that works for us.

But today, he had a very late meeting during dinner, so I fed the baby and got her ready myself. For once, I actually was able to take the time to quickly clean her tray table which, apparently, was to my husband’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, he assumed this was beyond my capabilities.

Husband: “Are you sure you fed her dinner?”

Me: *Pauses* “No, I dreamed it.”

Husband: “Well, her tray is clean.”

Me: “Because I cleaned it. Did you think I’d lie about feeding my own child?”

Husband: “Okay, maybe I said the wrong thing.”

Me: “Oh, there is no ‘maybe’. You definitely said the wrong thing.”

Let’s just say that my husband suffered from foot-in-mouth disease and stepped in it big time. I set him straight.

For the record, my child is always given three square healthy meals a day and snacks. My husband knows I would never just not feed her; he was just being an idiot.

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Being A Horror Is Hereditary

, , , , , , | Related | September 15, 2021

I am watching “Midsommar” when my sister texts me asking me what I’m doing. I tell her I’m watching a movie and I’ll text her later.

Sister: “So, was that movie any good?”

My sister loves horror movies while I mostly find them boring. I enjoyed the movie enough so I think she would like it.

Me: “Yeah, I liked it. It’s free on [Streaming App], so you should watch it when you get a chance.”

Sister: “What’s it about?”

I decide to have some fun with her.

Me: “It’s about a woman who goes on a trip to Sweden with her friends and discovers herself in the process.”

Sister: “That sounds kinda boring, but if you said it’s good I’ll maybe try it.”

Later on in the week, I get another text from my sister.

Sister: “B****, you lied to me! You made it seem like it would be some feel-good movie. It was literally a horror movie!”

Me: “It’s from the same guy who did Hereditary; that should have been your first clue!”

Sister: “What’s Hereditary? I’ve never heard of it before.”

Me: “Oh, it’s a drama about a grieving family suffering from tragedy after the death of their grandmother. It’s really good; you should watch it!”

Sister: “Oh, f*** you.”

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When It Comes To Dogs, Love Is Love

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2021

I recently had my septum pierced, which made my mom incredibly upset to the point she bribed me with a puppy to have it taken out. Ironically, it was pierced wrong, and no matter what, I was going to have to take it out. At least I was getting a puppy out of it! I insisted, though, that I wanted to adopt.

I am browsing for dogs online when my dad approaches.

Dad: “Make sure you get a pure breed.”

Me: “Why does that matter? And also, it’s going to be incredibly hard to find a pure breed that’s up for adoption and not just for sale.”

Dad: “Our last dog was a pure breed, and she was a good dog.”

Me: “But that has nothing to do with it! She was a good dog because we raised her well and she was just incredibly gentle and patient. You’re crazy. We’ll get whatever dog we get.”

Later on, though, my mom also hits me with this caveat.

Mom: “Don’t get a pit bull, a rottweiler, or any other type of bully breed. They’re dangerous and I don’t want an accident.”

Me: “Okay, but a dog’s temperament is usually based on how they’re trained. The aggressive nature thing is usually just a bad myth and leads to those dogs not getting adopted as much.”

Mom: “My house, my rules. No bully breeds.”

Finally, though, I settle on my dream dog up for adoption. She is a German shepherd labrador mix, so my dad lost out on his pure breed nonsense. Later on, we discover that that mix of dogs is considered one of the best you can get because of how loyal and loving they are. And during the first week we have her, my mom takes her to the vet just to make sure she doesn’t have any issues we need to be concerned with. The vet tells my mom that the dog might have a bit of rottweiler in her based on her appearance. 

Mom: “That’s okay. We love her anyway!”

She brought so much love and joy into our lives, and I still love how she basically was something that my parents were totally against but ended up loving in the end.

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Can’t Hear You Over The Sound Of Your Ova… Oh, Wait… Boobs

, , , , , | Working | September 8, 2021

My very first glass bead torch has finally arrived! We had scrimped and saved for it, and I no longer have to borrow a friend’s setup. I’m very excited. On the way to said friend’s house for a glass bead jam — she’s still teaching me techniques — I stop at the local mom-and-pop hardware store to pick up MAPP gas, used for its high-flame temperature.

I’m not wearing a bra — synthetic fibers and a torch flame do NOT mix well — but I have an overshirt on to help disguise my “ample assets.” Apparently, that makes no difference to the owner’s grandson, who is running the cash register.

Me: “Hello, just these, please.”

I set the two MAPP canisters on the shelf. The owner’s grandson locks eyes with my boobs.

Owner’s Grandson: “Uh… you know that’s not propane, riiiiight?

Me: “Yes, I know it’s MAPP gas. That’s what I need.”

He keeps staring at my chest.

Owner’s Grandson:Uhhhhhhh, you know you need a special torch head to use these, riiiiiight?

Me: “Yes, I do know. I have an oxygenated torch head back at the house, ready to go.”

Owner’s Grandson:Uhhhhhh, you know that gets really hot, riiiiight?

He’s still talking to my chest.

Me: “Yes, up to 1,400 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s what it takes to make glass beads on the torch. Can you ring me up now?”

The guy is still having a rapt conversation with my chest.

Owner’s Grandson:Uhhhhhhh…”

The owner, his grandfather, shoves the kid out of the way, breaking his eye contact with my “eyes,” rings me up, takes my money, and hands me change.

Owner’s Grandson: “What?!”

I just roll my eyes and giggle out of there.

On a different day, I’m about to do a long session of pewter casting in my kitchen, and I notice that my old protective gloves are not as protective as they used to be.

I hop up to the hardware store for a pair of welder’s gloves, but since I’ve never been in their welding section before, I’m not sure where it is. I step in — wearing a bra this time — and guess who’s on the cash register?

Me: “Hi, where’s your welding section?”

He’s still staring at my chest; I didn’t know it was such a fascinating conversationalist!

Owner’s Grandson:Uhhhhh, whaddya need?”

Me: “Welding gloves.”

Owner’s Grandson: “To the right, third room, to the left of the door.”

Me: “Thanks!”

I wander off… only to find out that the little pipsqueak led me to the gardening section, with lady’s gardening gloves to the left of the door. These are the thin, plastic-covered ones, great for welding hot melted plastic to one’s skin when pewter casting. I stomp back, fuming.

Me: “That’s not what I need. I asked for welding, so I can get welding gloves!”

Owner’s Grandson:Uhhhhh…”

The owner again appears out of nowhere and his grandson yelps.

Owner: *Calmly* “To the left, second room on the far right wall.”

It took me thirty seconds to find the size I needed, return, and have the owner ring me up, while the grandson sulked in the corner. As I left, I heard the beginnings of a grand lecture being delivered on customer service!

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Making A Real Boob Of Himself

, , , , , , | Related | September 1, 2021

My parents hate tattoos, so after I got my second, I sort of stopped telling them I was getting more and just wore long sleeves. However, one day at work, my mom stops by unexpectedly and sees the other four tattoos she did not know about and, of course, she tells my dad. When I get home, he wants to see them.

One thing to say, though, is that all of my tattoos are tasteful and really well done. One, in particular, is a design of a woman sitting in a crescent moon. I frequently have people stop and tell me how beautiful the piece is.

My father, however, doesn’t really look at the design or anything. No, he immediately zooms in on one detail and eloquently says:

Dad: “I can see a booby.”

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