Can’t Digest What You’re Saying

, , , , , | Learning | October 19, 2019

(I’m taking anatomy and physiology in college where we don’t get a choice of who our lab partners are. I question how my partner got into college on a regular basis.)

Partner: “Hello, [My Name]. On Friday, are we really starting to digest the cat?”

Me: “Dissect, and yes.”

Partner: “I don’t want to digest a cat.”

Me: “I’ve got great news, then! We aren’t digesting it, only dissecting it.”

Partner: “Oh, why do they make us digest cats?”

Me: “They don’t make us digest cats; we are taking a class in which we are required to dissect them.”

Partner: “How many cats are we digesting in class?”

Me: “We aren’t digesting any cats; we will be dissecting one at our table.”

Partner: “Have you digested cats before?”

Me: “Nope, but I watched my seventh-grade teacher dissect one in class.”

Partner: “How can you digest cats?”

Me: “I imagine the same way you digest anything?”

Partner: “When do we digest the sheep’s brain?”

Me: “We don’t digest that, either; we will dissect it in December, though.”

Partner: “Is it hard to digest cats and brains?”

Me: “I’ve never digested them, so I wouldn’t know. You’d have to ask someone with experience in that.”

Partner: “Can you just do the digesting and I’ll watch?”

Me: “No, thanks, I won’t be digesting it.”

Partner: “But if you don’t digest it with me, we fail.”

Me: “The instructor will not fail you if you don’t digest the cat; however, if you don’t do the dissection you may fail as it’s a large portion of our grade.”

Partner: “This school is horrible; failing people for not digesting cats.”

Me: “I am pretty positive that it has not failed a single student for not digesting a cat.”

Partner: “I don’t want to digest it.”

Me: “You don’t have to. Just dissect it.”

Partner: “You’re gross. I don’t want to do it.”

Me: “It’s your grade, not mine.”

Partner: “I want to report the school for forcing students to digest cats.”

Me: “Can you do me a favor and look up the definition of digesting first?”

Partner: “I know what digesting is and they’re forcing us to digest cats and sheep brains. I don’t go to school to digest these things.”

Me: “I’m going to sleep. Enjoy your cat digestion reports.”

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Cats Always Land On Their Feet, Wherever They Are

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2019

(I have recently adopted a new kitten. I am taking him to the vet to get his vaccinations and to get neutered. He is sitting in a cat carrier next to me in the waiting room. As cats often do, he is sitting with his paws all tucked under his body so you can’t see any of them. A little girl, about five or so, approaches me and we have the following exchange:)

Girl: “I have a really important question about your cat!”

Me: “Absolutely. What’s up?”

Girl: “I’ve never had a cat! I’ve got a dog–” *points to her dog* “–and I was wondering if you brought your cat to the vet because he doesn’t have any feet? I would worry if my dog didn’t have any feet.”

(I start laughing and pull my kitten out of the carrier, revealing that he did in fact, have feet. She was very relieved.)

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Adventures Of The Disappointed Man

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2019

(A new superhero movie about a certain character who can crawl up walls opened a few weeks ago. As a promotion, the studio sent us a limited supply of mini-figurines of the titular hero to give out to customers who come to see the movie. Naturally, given how popular the film is, we run out of figurines by the end of the opening weekend. As with any promotional freebee, any reference to them specifically notes they are a “while supplies last” and first-come-first-serve deal. It’s about three weeks later. I’m not a manager, but I’m alone inside the manager’s office doing a required quiz about fire safety when a guy who looks to be in his mid- to late-20s saunters up to the open door.)

Customer: “You a manager?”

Me: “No, the manager is out for a few minutes but should be back shortly. Is there something I can help you with, though?”

Customer: “I saw online a few weeks back you had those figures to give out for [Movie]. But the guy said you didn’t have any left. It’s just… really disappointing to me.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah, unfortunately, those things are usually first-come-first-serve, and the studio only sends us a limited supply.”

Customer: “Yeah… it’s disappointing.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “I’m just… so disappointed.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

(The customer stands there and gives out an elongated, exaggerated sigh like he’s incredibly sad.)

Me: “Is… is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well… I’m disappointed. I really wanted one of those figures. It’s disappointing.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Do you want me to get a manager?”

Customer: “I just feel like I shouldn’t have to come into a theater just to be disappointed. I wish there was a way… to make me less disappointed…”

Me: *about to lose my mind if he says “disappointed” one more time* “Uh… let me radio the manager. There’s, unfortunately, nothing I can really do.”

(I radio the manager to come to the office. The instant she arrives, I can see her rolling her eyes… clearly, she’s dealt with this guy before. She tells me to finish the quiz later and sends me back to my register. I watch her stand there talking to the man for no less than ten straight minutes, shaking her head “no” every time he speaks. The man finally gives one last exaggerated sigh, using his whole body to illustrate the point, and walks away out the front door. My manager walks up to me at my register.)

Manager: “Yeah, if you see that guy again… do not engage. Just get me.”

Me: “I kind of figured that out. He was trying to get free tickets, wasn‘t he?”

Manager: “Yeah… He literally only comes in whenever there’s a free promotional item like the figures. But he’ll wait a few weeks until we’ve run out, and then he’ll show up saying he’s ‘disappointed’ and try to ask for free tickets so we can ‘make it up to him.’ This is at least the tenth time he’s done it in the past few years.”

Me: “Has it ever worked for him?”

Manager: “That’s the weird thing. No, it hasn’t. Every time, we tell him that we can’t give him free tickets just because we ran out of a free promotional item. But he keeps trying. He’s tenacious, I’ll give him that.”

(And that was my introduction to “The Disappointed Man.” I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him come in and get shot down about once every six or so months ever since.)

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A Lifetime Of Death

, , , , , | Related | October 16, 2019

(My husband and I just updated our insurance policy with our agent. My eleven-year-old daughter thinks that life insurance is to insure that you stay alive in the hospital. I explain it is money that your family receives if you pass away. She looks at me thoughtfully and says:)

Daughter: “Now I understand why people kill their husbands instead of getting divorced.” 

(I see a Lifetime movie in her future.)

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Unfiltered Story #169621

, , | Unfiltered | October 16, 2019

I work as a front desk agent for a popular hotel in my area. During the morning shift we check out the guests and make sure everything was okay.

Lady: We are getting our things and then leaving

Me: Okay, How was everything?

Lady: Oh it was goooood

(Stands there staring at me)

Me: Glad everything went well

(Lady leaves to get a rolling cart for her things and then returns to the desk)

Lady: I don’t know where I am..

Me: You are in (Name of City)

Lady: No I know that, I just don’t know where I am

Me: (Name of the hotel)

Lady: Oh yes!! I want to stay at another place that will give me a discount card or something

Me: I have a list of our hotels in other locations if you know where you will be stopping at today

Lady: No no I can get that off the internet, I just want a place that has a discount card

Me: Well there is AAA discounts among others if you have that

Lady: No I have old people discount

Me: (blankly stare)

Lady: Well I got to go