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They Want What You Don’t Sell, But Sure, You’re The Stupid One

, , , | Right | May 24, 2022

I have owned a small business for nine years, wherein I hand-make all of the items I sell. I have been in retail and customer service for several years prior, so customer shenanigans are nothing new to me, and I’m typically pretty good at handling problem customers.

I am set up at an expo when a tall man in his late thirties comes into my booth with his dog. He holds up a dog bandana I’ve seen and we discuss a custom order for a reversible bandana. After choosing the patterns he would like, he begins holding up different size bandanas to his dog to find which fits the dog best.

As he’s doing this, a small old lady I wasn’t previously aware of steps out from behind him.

Lady: “What’s the price for that?”

Me: “It depends on the size he decides on, but it would be between [amount #1] and [amount #2].”

Lady: “You charge that much for a collar cover? Are you stupid?”

This throws me off for more than one reason. First, I’m hoping I misheard the second part, but her tone tells me otherwise. Second, I do not sell collar covers and there is nothing in my booth to indicate that I do. I’m also positive that I did not misunderstand what the man, who I assume at this point is her son, wanted, as we’ve discussed his order in length and she wasn’t involved in the discussion. However, both the old lady and the man are standing there staring at me. I put on my best customer service smile and remain professional.

Me: “I’m so sorry. I actually do not sell collar covers. My price would be for the reversible bandana we were discussing, and it includes tracked shipping.”

Lady: “Now I know you must be stupid. He wants a collar cover. A c-o-l-l-a-r c-o-v-e-r.”

She says this to me as if I’m the biggest moron this side of the Mississippi. I, again, look to the man to correct her, but he just stares at me. Years of experience tell me I’m going to get nowhere with this situation, so I decide to defuse things the only way I can before there’s trouble in my booth.

Me: “I will not be spoken to this way. I need to ask you to please leave.”

I try my best to not be ignorant to a customer. I take pride in making all of my customers feel welcome, but at this point, whatever order this man may want to put in will not be worth the $5 or so that I will make on the order, and I’m honestly baffled that a grown man is refusing to correct this woman and allowing her to speak to me this way.

The man puts down the bandanas, but the older lady decides that it doesn’t matter that I don’t sell what she’s looking for or that I asked her to leave. She’s more interested in her own feelings about my intelligence and doesn’t go quietly. Finally, I’ve had enough and raise my hand to stop her tirade.

Me: “Get out. Now.”

She stares me down for a second before they both walk out. I was set up next to a friend, who heard the tirade but hadn’t heard anything prior.

Friend: “What the h*** was her problem, and do you want me to fight her?”

Boring Sermon? Larry-Boy To The Rescue!

, , , , | Friendly | May 18, 2022

A popular Christian kids’ video series once portrayed the story of David and Bathsheba — a Bible tale about adultery and murder — in the form of a greedy king who wants other people’s bath toys. 

My church choir is sitting up in the loft listening to the preacher get going about the need for forgiveness.

Preacher: “But why would King David need forgiveness? Isn’t he one of the Lord’s anointed ones? Well, let me remind you of the time that David went up on the roof of his palace. He looked out across the rooftops, and he saw something he should not have seen.” 

Me: *Quietly* “Rubber ducky.” 

And that’s how I caused the entire soprano section of my choir to nearly suffocate themselves laughing in the middle of a prayer service.

Statements Like This Should Get Licenses Revoked

, , , | Right | May 10, 2022

I work as a teller in the drive-thru of a credit union. Our pneumatic tube is broken, and we’ve been waiting for some time to get it fixed. We still have a drive-up window where people can be served, though. We have two signs saying the tube is closed: one before drivers choose between the two lanes and one on the tube itself. Most of our members have been very nice about the situation, even when they’ve had to drive around the building because they missed the first sign. Then, there is this woman.

She drives up to the tube. When she reads the sign, she doesn’t drive around the building. Instead, she gets out of the car and begins to walk across to the window. Her car is now blocking the one lane, which also is used as an exit for people coming from the parking lot. (I know it’s a stupid design, but it’s what we have to deal with.)

She’s walking through the other lane, which is also shared with the ATM, where there is another car almost ready to drive off. It is dark out and she is wearing dark clothes. I quickly hop on the intercom.

Me: “Ma’am, for your safety, please drive around.”

The woman angrily gets back into her car and drives off. The car at the ATM pulls off, and a couple of minutes later, the woman pulls up to the window.

Customer: “You’re going to give me a stroke making me pull around!”

Me: *In my head, while biting my tongue* “If that’s going to give you a stroke, you’d better go see your doctor.”

Don’t we all wish we could say what’s in our heads without consequences?

Making Assumptions Can Be Taxing

, , , , , , | Related | May 3, 2022

I am driving with my sister and the song “Neighbors” by J. Cole is on. 

Sister: “Okay, I really relate to this song right now.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Sister: “I think the neighbor’s son is selling weed.”

Me: “Why do you think this?”

Sister: “Because ever since he moved back, there has been a ton of cars driving up to their house, staying for like five minutes, and then leaving.”

Me: “You are so stupid right now.”

Sister: “Why?”

Me: “One, he hasn’t moved back in; he’s just helping out his mom at work. And two, it’s tax season, you idiot! All those people are dropping off their tax stuff because she’s a preparer!”

Sister: “How was I supposed to know?”

Me: “She’s been doing our family’s taxes for years!”

So Can Anyone Who Passed High School History Class

, , , , | Friendly | May 2, 2022

It’s late summer. I am sitting in the lobby of a hotel a few miles from the Gettysburg battlefield, waiting for a shot at a massively under-staffed and over-utilized breakfast buffet and reading my Nook.

Random Helpful Stranger: “Whatcha reading?”

Me:Mr. Lincoln’s Army.”  

There’s a pause.

Random Helpful Stranger: “I can tell you how it ends.”