Crying Over Spoiled Milk

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

(My manager and I are in the break room when another associate comes in. She looks irritated.)

Me: “Hey, [Associate], what’s up?”

Associate: “I just need a minute.”

Manager: “Are you ill?”

Associate: “No, just… people.”

Me: “What happened?”

Associate: “A lady just went off on customer service for refusing her exchange.”

Me: “What was she trying to exchange?”

Associate: “Spoiled milk.”

Manager: *sits forward, concerned* “Spoiled? I’ll contact the dairy department and have—”

Associate: “She left it in the car for two weeks. Apparently, it was pretty swollen when she found it.”

Manager: “Oh. Yeah, sorry… No.”

(We hear an announcement on the headset:)

Announcer: “Clean-up to the grocery entrance with a mop and bucket. A customer said some lady drove by and threw… milk? …out the window of her car, and it exploded.”

This Lady Is Giving You All The Finger

, , , , , | Right | December 14, 2018

I work in a grocery store. A woman in her fifties got her finger stuck in one of those sanitary wipe containers used to clean the shopping cart handles. She refused to just pull it out because she “didn’t want to cut her finger.” The edges are a bit pointy, seeing that they’re plastic.

We weren’t allowed to cut around her finger, due to liability issues; if we cut her, it would be on us. So, we had to call 911.

Two fire engines, the fire chief, an ambulance, and a cop showed up, all for one lady with a stuck finger.

One fireman made the hole a little bigger and pulled the woman’s finger out. Her finger still got cut.

Okay, But You Have To Bring It Back Again When The Sale Is Over

, , , , , | Right | December 13, 2018

(My store is closing. For the first few weeks after this is announced, all merchandise is reduced by 25%. After a period, the remaining product is reduced to 50% off. A customer comes in.)

Customer: “When did everything go 50% off? I was here last week and bought things 25% off.”

Me: “Just the other day, ma’am.”

Customer: “My stuff is still in the car. Can you do a price adjustment?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “What if I return it and then buy it at the new price?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we aren’t accepting returns.”

Customer: “You can’t do anything for me?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “Well, what good are you?” *leaves*

This Church Is Grassroots

, , , , , , | Related | December 13, 2018

My family lives right down the street from a large church, which we pass on our way to our own church, school, and the store where we shop; basically, we pass it pretty much every day.

When I was in grade school, the church began a large expansion project to add a new wing onto the building. They dug a large hole in the ground next to the building, which I figured was going to be the basement for the new wing. Every day when I passed by the church, either in the car or the school bus, I would look at the hole to see if they had started building the new wing in it yet. Several months went by, and I saw nothing — still just a hole in the ground, even though there seemed to be workers there every day.

One day, while I was riding in the car with my mom, I said to her, “They still haven’t started building that new church yet!” And she responded, “Yes, they have; what do you call that?” She pointed to the side of the church opposite from the hole… where the new wing stood, completely finished.

Yes, that’s right: I had been so distracted looking at the hole every time I passed the church that I had completely missed the new wing going up right before my eyes. It turns out that the hole was actually just a large drainage ditch, which they just happened to be digging at the same time the construction was going on. In hindsight, I should have been clued in by the fact that they had spread grass seed in the hole, but my only thought upon noticing that was, “Why do they want grass in the basement?”

Way Better Than What Neelix Can Cook Up

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2018

(My mom has been going to the same small-town butcher shop for over twenty years. This allows her to make the occasional… interesting order.)

Mom: “Hi. I’d like to order a turkey for roasting and four extra full turkey legs. And can you make sure that’s two left legs and two right legs?”

Employee: “Um, okay, we can do that. But only if you promise to tell us why!”

Mom: “I will when I come in to pick them up, I promise!”

(A couple days later, her order is in and she goes to pick it up.)

Employee: “So, about that explanation…”

Mom: “We’re having a Star Trek-themed dinner party. We’re going to skewer the extra legs onto each side of the turkey and tell our guests it’s an extraterrestrial ‘turkey beetle.'”

Employee: “That is probably the best thing I have ever heard.”

(Somewhere in one of my parents’ old photo albums is a picture of them in Starfleet uniforms, proudly showing off their assembled and roasted “turkey beetle”!)

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