Soliciting Deceit

, , , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(My mom and I are at home when someone knocks on our door rhythmically, as though they are a friend or relative. My mom has several health issues that tend to make her sleep in a lot, so she’s still in her night clothes. Since the person knocking tapped a little tune on our door, she figures it’s someone we know, so she answers the door in her nightshirt. It’s a guy in a business uniform for a cable service. He looks my mom up and down with a sneer, his arms crossed.)

Cable Guy: “Is there a problem here?”

Mom: “Uh, excuse me? No, there is not. Can I help you?”

(He puts on a massive sales-pitch grin, readying his pitch:)

Cable Guy: “Well, ma’am, we at [Cable Company #1] are going around to customers of [Cable Company #2] to let them know about [some malarkey about a sale or something].”

Mom: *holds up her hand* “I’m going to stop you right there.” *she gestures to the obvious “NO SOLICITING” sign on our door* “Did you not see that?”

Cable Guy: “Well, ma’am, I’m not soliciting; I’m just trying to do you a favour—”

Mom: “Yeah, that’s soliciting.” *closes the door in his face*

Like Comparing Oranges To Applesauce

, , , | | Right | May 17, 2018

(I am working as a waitress taking the order of a middle-aged couple.)

Me: *cheery* “What can I get you for a side?”

Female Customer: “Hmm… What kinds of vegetables do you guys carry?”

Me: “We carry grilled asparagus, steamed broccoli—”

Female Customer: *cutting me off* “Those are not vegetables!”

(I am dumbfounded and cannot think of anything to say.)

Female Customer: “Okay, well, I’ll take the applesauce.”

(I went back to kitchen to bang my head on the wall.)

This Yard Sale Is The Pits

, , , , , | Right | May 15, 2018

(We’re having a yard sale. The family dog has decided she wants to help, so we have her out with us sitting proudly on the lawn, waiting for people to pet her as they come to our house. Her friendliness has been drawing people in. Halfway through the day, a man comes up to us with nothing in his hands to buy.)

Man: “So, how much for the pitbull?”

Me: *thinking he means one of the dog figures we have sitting out* “Which one?”

Man: “That one right there.” *points at my dog* “How much do you want for her?”

Me: “Uh, she’s a family pet. She’s not for sale.”

Man: “Then why do you have her outside at a yard sale?”

Me: “My five-year-old daughter is outside at a yard sale, too, but she’s not for sale, either!”

(I had another family later tell me they’d love to have her and ask if she was for sale. Do people regularly sell their dogs at yard sales or something?)

 

Dressed To Pass

, , , , , | Related | May 13, 2018

(My little sister moves in with me so she can attend a physician’s assistant program. During a warm day in October, we are chatting in the kitchen.)

Sister: “I think I should have the upper extremities covered today.”

Me: “You should be fine with that tank top. It’s going up to 75 degrees.”

Sister: “I was talking about studying for my exam.”

Me: “I was talking about the weather and how you are dressed.”

Today Everyone Is A Top Dog

, , , , | Hopeless | May 12, 2018

I’m driving to work tonight on a major road with two lanes of traffic in either direction. I pass through a rather large intersection when I notice two things: there is a woman struggling to run through the high grass at the side of the road, and the cars in the right lane have all slowed down. I don’t think there’s a connection right away as I continue driving in the left lane, but then I see it: a tiny dog, maybe a Frenchie or something similar, running full speed on the right shoulder of the road. I’m worried for it, but there’s nothing I can do moving at the speed I’m going, and I’ve already passed it.

That’s when I notice people in the right lane beginning to pull over. At first I see just one or two, but then I look in the rearview mirror and see that every single car has pulled onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the poor dog and presumably to help catch it. I obviously wasn’t around to see if it worked, but so many people were putting the effort in I can’t imagine it didn’t. Seeing that line of cars whose drivers all just decided to work together warmed my heart.

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