The Stop Sign Should Be For Her Mouth

, , , , | Legal | October 7, 2019

This story was related to me by one of my friends who is a bit “special.”

My friend was driving on a two-lane highway late at night and came to a stop sign. As she drove up to the stop sign, she looked in her mirror and saw there was a car behind her. She immediately panicked and thought the car behind her wasn’t going to stop, so she went through the stop sign without even slowing down.

That’s when the car behind her put on its lights and sirens.

After the cop pulled her over she tried to explain to him that she had thought that he wasn’t going to stop and was going to crash into her. The officer asked her if she thought that he was driving unsafely. She said yes.

She got a ticket for running the stop sign, but to this day she can’t understand why the police officer wouldn’t accept her excuse.

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Worming Her Way Out Of A Ticket

, , , , , , | Legal | October 1, 2019

(It’s about 9:00 pm on a Sunday night when my three-year-old comes to tell me she has bugs in her poop. At first, I ignore her because she’s also recently claimed the “bugs under her skin” have been “controlling” her this last week and that’s why she’s been acting out a little. After a little while, I go and look, and it turns out the kid is right; she’s got pinworms. I quickly load her in the car and start driving to the nearest pharmacy for medicine. We hardly leave our apartment before I see red and blue lights behind me. I pull over immediately, freaking out because at 25, this is the first time I’ve ever been pulled over. The officer comes out, asks for the usual, and adds on:)

Officer: “You’ve got a tail light out, ma’am. Mind telling me why you and the little one are out so late?”

Daughter:*super happy voice* “I’ve got butt worms, Offser, and we need medicine, ’cause the butt worms are itchy!”

(The officer couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes. He did give me a warning, just so I could show any other officers that might have stopped me, but we got home fine, and I was able to fix the light, and my kid’s “butt worms.”)

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Slow Down When Snow Down

, , , , | Legal | September 24, 2019

(I grew up in Utah on the Wasatch Front and Back with all the snow and bad driving conditions in winter. In fact, when I am learning how to drive, my uncle takes my cousins and me out on the frozen lake, tells us to get the car up to 35 mph, and then reaches over and jerks the wheel really hard. That causes the car to spin and basically teaches us how to mostly control a car when it starts to spin out on the ice. The first time in my life I ever have a true snow day where school is canceled, all the roads are closed, and the city basically shuts down is when I am living in Sherman, Texas, attending my first year of college where everyone on campus, apart from me, grew up in Texas or another southern state. I wake up to my phone blowing up from people asking me to give them rides to the supermarket because I am the only one who knows how to drive in snow. This is very funny to me; everything is shut down because of an inch of snow on the pavement, which is such a trivial amount of snow. One of the calls I get is from a friend who has the biggest, most supped out, Ford F150 I’ve ever been in. It’s basically every Texas boy’s dream truck. He says I can drive it if I take him and his roommates to pick up supplies for the storm. Of course, I say h*** yeah and, of course, I have a little fun by sliding the truck around every corner and basically freaking everyone out by making them think the roads are a lot worse than they really are. On our way back to campus, I get pulled over for the first time in my life just as it starts to snow again.)

Officer: “I’m going to need your license and registration. Do y’all know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Here’s my license, sir. This is [Friend]’s truck and I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know why you pulled us over. I thought I was obeying all the traffic laws.”

(My friend hands over his license and the registration for his truck.)

Officer: *taking a look at my license and seeing that I’m from Utah* “Where were y’all headed?”

Me: “Back to campus, sir. We were trying to make it to [Store] before they closed since campus is shut down and we needed food.”

Officer: “Just so y’all know, all the roads are closed. Y’all go straight back to campus and stay there.”

Me: “Yes, sir. So, I’m not in trouble?”

Officer: “Judging by where you’re from, you’re safer out here than I am, so you’re getting a warning. Get back to campus and stay there.”

(With that, he gave us our stuff back, walked back to his car, and let me drive away with less messing around… until he was out of sight.)

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A Nail-Biting Conclusion

, , , , | Legal | August 31, 2019

(As I’m sitting bored at an intersection with a long red light, a police officer appears and knocks on my driver’s side window. I jump and roll down my window.)

Officer: “Ma’am, you can’t be texting and driving.”

(He’s pulling out his ticket book but faltering as there’s nothing in my hands and, as he obviously startled me, there was no way I could have hidden my phone without him seeing.)

Officer: “What were you doing?”

Me: “Nothing. I wasn’t doing anything.”

Officer: “Where’s your phone?”

Me: “I don’t know. I think it’s in my purse behind my seat.”

(The light’s green but I can’t go and the cars behind me are trapped because of the parked cars beside me.)

Officer: “What were you doing?”

Me: “I wasn’t doing anything.”

Officer: “What were you looking at?”

Me: *pauses to think* “My nails. I bite my nails.”

(Seems I was looking down at my fingers, absently deciding which one to munch on, and it looked like I was texting. The officer stood there for a moment or two, trying to figure out how to give me a ticket for biting my nails, but then disappeared back into his hiding spot. The light was red again and I had to sit there and wait for another cycle.)

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Stay At This Motel For A Banging Time!

, , , , | Legal | August 17, 2019

(I’m a guest in a motel. I’ve already been woken up by loud people twice, so when I’m woken again at 3:30 am by someone banging loudly for over five minutes, I’m really unimpressed, to say the least. I’m on the first floor, while the noise is coming from a room on the opposite side on the third floor. I cannot see who’s knocking. I go out for a cigarette while the banging’s still happening.)

Me: “Shut the f*** up.”

(Three police officers stick their heads over the balcony.)

Officer #1: “Sorry about this.”

Me: “Ah, oops. Sorry, I didn’t know it was you guys, but it is after 3:30.”

Officer #2: “Sorry, but if we have to kick the door in it will be even louder.”

Me: “Do what you need to do. Thanks for letting me know.”

(I finish my smoke and go inside. Luckily, the noise stops and I’m able to sleep. When I get up, I find a plastic bag on my door with some chocolate, a gift card to a coffee shop, and a note.)

Note: “Sorry for the disturbance. Enjoy the chocolate and coffee. [Officers].”

(I found out from the manager that a woman was hiding her boyfriend who was wanted for armed robbery and sexual assault. They’d put a wardrobe and table in front of the door and refused to come out. Luckily, he gave up and surrendered without too much fuss.)

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