So Cute You Could Just Eat Them Up

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2017

(I work on a college campus as a dispatcher for the campus police. The college is small and backs right up to a mountain and desert area so there can be wildlife. It also has a larger number of international students. One evening I am at work and my sergeant on duty is going over paperwork in the office when I get a panicked, hysterical 911 call.)

Me: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: *with a heavy accent* “Oh, oh, oh, please! You have to help! You have to help!”

(Adrenaline starts pumping; I can tell by her voice that she is truly terrified. My change of demeanor has my sergeant leaping up, ready to get out the door as soon as we have a location.)

Me: “Ma’am, please tell me where you are.”

Caller: “I’m in my car— I’ve locked the doors. Oh, my god, there are people walking around! They are going to get eaten!”

Me: *thinking: WTF, eaten?* “Ma’am, what is the emergency? Where are you parked?”

Caller: “It’s— There’s— It’s wild foxes! They are right here! By the [Building], just-just-just here!”

(My sergeant, who is listening but can’t be heard, loses it. She is cracking up so much and I have to stay professional sounding.)

Me: “Ma’am, did the foxes approach you in anyway? Are they following people around?”

Caller: “No; oh, god, is someone coming? There are people just out and they could get eaten!”

(My sergeant indicates that she will go so the other officers can complete their rounds.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, an officer is on there way. Foxes generally don’t eat people. It is okay.”

(My sergeant is there in about three minutes and then calls me less than ten minutes later, laughing so hard she is crying.)

Sarge: “[My Name]! They… they… they are just two baby foxes! Tiny cubs! Playing in the sprinklers… She locked the car and wouldn’t even roll down the window to talk to me! There are students taking pictures of the foxes. I finally got her to crack the window and convinced her she could drive away. BABY foxes!”

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Things That Go Thump In The Night

, , , , | Right | June 27, 2017

(Around 11 pm, the start of my overnight shift at our hotel, a middle aged woman walking a dog approaches the front desk.)

Woman: “Can you call me a cab to go to Jack-Jacks?”

Me: “I’m not familiar with that name. Is it in town?”

Woman: “Oh, yes, my daughter is there. Drinking, dancing, like young people like to do.”

(Since there was only one bar open in town, I gave her that name and she agreed it was the place. The name was not at all close to “Jack-Jacks.”)

Me: “You don’t need a cab; it’s only two blocks away.”

(Off she goes, dog in tow. At about 1:30 am, I hear a loud thumping sound from upstairs. As I am about to go up to investigate, I get a call from room 301 complaining about the thumping sound and yelling in the room below. I go up to room 201 and hear the thumping and two women yelling at each other in some kind of Asian language. I knock on the door and a dog comes to the door to bark, but no one answers the door. I knock several more times:)

Me: “This is the front desk clerk. Please open this door!”

(I can still hear thumping and yelling and barking, but no one answers. I go downstairs to call the room, but the call repeatedly goes to voicemail. I try knocking again and still hear yelling, thumping, barking, but no one comes to the door.  I go downstairs and get a call from 301:)

Guest: “That’s it! I’m calling the police!”

Me: “I’ve tried calling and knocking on the door and I’ve gotten no response, so I am calling the police.”

(A few minutes later, a couple of police officers are there. One of the officers knocks on the door.)

Officer: “This is the police.”

(There is still no response. I go downstairs to get a master key, when I can hear by the increased volume of the barking that the door has been opened. I go up to the room and find the officers in the room and a young woman sobbing and holding the dog I’d seen earlier in the evening.)

Officer: “She says her mother is stuck in the bathroom and can’t get out.”

(Unfortunately, the pocket doors on our bathrooms do stick on occasion, but why the young woman hadn’t come to me with the problem is a mystery for the ages. However, I do think the solution has something to do with too much alcohol consumption. We are able to open the bathroom door and the mother, the same woman I had seen earlier, comes out, furious.)

Woman: *yelling* “I come all the way from Thailand to see my daughter, and she locks me in bathroom. Call me a cab; I’m taking a plane back to Thailand.”

(I don’t think she’d thought that plan all the way through — again, perhaps alcohol was involved. Eventually, I convinced her it was not her daughter’s fault the door stuck. I was glad they were already scheduled for check out in the morning.)

Several Ripped Holes In Your Story

, , , , , | Right | June 22, 2017

(I work at a retail store as a manager, closing one night. As we get to closing time I get a call over our headset that a sound is coming from the fitting rooms. Since this particular location is on the more sketchy side I immediately call my security personnel (male) and head back to the fitting room. The ladies fitting room is set up in a way that it is a lot bigger than what we actually use, so half of it is partitioned off. This is made apparent with a rope blocking the back half of it, and all stalls beyond that point have no curtains up to block people’s view. It is not uncommon for people to go to this back half for illegal reasons. I go back there with my fitting room associate. The security personnel stays at the entrance since there are still other women in the fitting room. As I get there I can hear one of our alarm tags going off from farther down where this ‘customer’ is ‘changing.’ We both know she’s in trouble but she tries to play it off.)

Customer: “It fell off so I threw it back there!”

(I go to pick it up and it obviously has been cut off as there is a chunk of jean fabric still between the alarm tag and the pin. Going back to her I notice the pants she’s wearing has a big hole in the side. She finally realizes she’s caught not only trying to steal from us but damaging our product.)

Me: “Please hand me all our merchandise including the one you damaged.”

Customer: *sheepishly* “Okay I’ll bring them out to you.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I will be right here.”

(I don’t move as I watch her change. She hands me the pants she was wearing with the hole, the shirt she was ‘trying on’ that has a chunk cut out of it, another two pairs of pants with holes, and another shirt with a chunk cut off. Bundled up in one of the shirts she pulls out the scissors she used and puts into her very empty giant bag. (Something shoplifters do is come in with giant empty bags and leave with them filled.) She also hands me the hard tags and alarm tags she’s cut off the items she handed me, and the other clothes she hadn’t gotten to yet. After she gets dressed I walk her out of the fitting room, past her over-filled shopping cart which has more than clothes. My security personnel walks with me as I walk her out of the store.)

Me: “I shouldn’t need to say this, but I’m going to anyway. Don’t come back.”

Customer: *apologizes over and over again and leaves*

(Thankfully she only ruined the five items, which we now can’t sell, but with those and the many other items she was trying to steal it came to above $500 in merchandise. Fast forward to a few weeks later. It’s a closing shift again, and a girl comes in that I immediately recognize as a friend of the one I kicked out of the store. We know she also steals from us but as we haven’t been able to catch her. We try to keep an eye on her but there’s so few of us versus how many people come into the store and it’s busy, so we lose track of her and she leaves. A few hours later, near closing time, police officers come into our store. Turns out this girl got caught stealing from the store next to us and they called the police on her. When going through her bags they saw a pair of pricey shoes that still have an alarm tag on them, and a price tag that says our store name, obviously not bought. They walk me out to their car where she is sitting, crying and apologizing, saying she’s never done this before (a lie).)

Customer: *saying through sobs* “I’m so sorry; this isn’t like me. I never steal!”

Me: *leaning down to better see and speak to her* “Do not come back into our store again.”

(I then went back inside and continued with my closing shift.)

Driving Himself To Jail

, , , , , | Right | June 17, 2017

(I am in line at the DMV getting my new tags for 2015.)

Customer: “I would like to renew my driver’s license, please.”

Lady: “Sure, just let me see your card.”

(The man hands her his license and she enters some numbers into the computer.)

Lady: “Sir, your license expired in 1998. Have you been driving with it since then?”

Customer: “Wait, they expire? I though you just had to get a new picture! Well, what are you going to do, arrest me?”

(A police officer steps out of line.)

Officer: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I will arrest you for driving without a valid license.”

(The officer arrested the man and took him off to his car and drove away.)

Can’t Refund The Police’s Time

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2017

(A customer is making a scene at the customer service counter. He wants a refund on a phone we don’t stock and has a receipt from another store with a name that sounds similar to ours but isn’t quite the same. I’ve had to call my manager over to explain we can’t refund products that weren’t purchased from us but this guy refuses to budge.)

Customer: “Listen, buddy, you are going to give me back the money I paid for this piece of s**** or I am going to dial the police right now and see how you like having to deal with them!”

Manager: “If you do that they’ll tell you they can’t do much. I’ve already explained, and my employee has already explained, that you didn’t purchase this from us so we can’t refund you for it.”

(The customer proceeds to pull out his phone and makes a show of dialing the police.)

Customer: “Yeah this is [Customer] at [Store] at [Address]… I need some boys in blue to come down and settle a dispute the s*** these employees are giving me! No… no, they aren’t armed… No, I’m not in any danger… Look, just send the d*** police, okay?! Thank you!”

(He turns and smiles smugly at us.)

Customer: “You two are in trouble now!”

Manager: “In that case, sir, please can you step aside so we can assist the customers behind you while we wait?”

(The customer does so but keeps smirking at us. Several minutes pass and he starts looking more unsure.)

Customer: “Well?”

Manager: “Well what?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to try to get me to call off the cops?”

Manager: “Sir, I already told you they aren’t going to be able to do anything. Upholding our return policy is not a crime so all that’s going to happen is they’re going to come here, possibly take a statement, and tell you there’s nothing more to be done.”

(The customer’s smile slowly melts away.)

Customer: “You’re serious? You’re not going to do anything to stop the cops from getting involved?”

Manager: “I don’t know how else to say this, sir. You want to return something you didn’t buy here; we can’t do that because, as stated, you didn’t buy it here. If the only way you will believe me is if the police tell it to you then so be it.”

(The customer is now looking pale.)

Customer: “You… you a**-hole! I have unpaid tickets! I can’t talk to the police!”

(The customer bolted out of the store and quickly drove like a madman out of our parking lot. Several minutes later the police actually did turn up and confirmed the guy’s description and car matched that of a driver they’ve had to pull over multiple times for dangerous driving and who owed a fair amount.)

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