Speeding Past That Subject

, , , | Legal | August 6, 2018

(My grandmother and I are lost and driving on a long, straight road. Because of this, she doesn’t really pay attention to the speed limit. Soon enough, a cop pulls us over.)

Policeman: “Ma’am, were you aware that you were going 78 miles per hour in a 55 mile per hour zone?”

Grandmother: “No, I wasn’t, officer. Say, do you know where the [Theater] is?”

Policeman: “Yes, I do, actually. Go down this road until you see a stoplight. Turn left there.”

Grandmother: “All right, thank you so much! Have a good day!”

Policeman: “You, too, ma’am.”

(He left, forgetting the reason why he pulled her over in the first place.)

Not-So-Smart TV

, , , , | Legal | August 3, 2018

(I work at a big name shipping and retail store. The store is run by the owner, me, and one other coworker. Today it is just the owner and me. A few days previously someone had broken in after hours and stolen several high-value packages off the shelf in the back. We had filed a police report and reviewed the security footage. We did not know this person but our cameras clearly showed her face. Fast forward to today and she comes back. The owner and I instantly recognize her, and the owner goes to the back to call the police while I stall her. The customer storms in and slams down a large box containing a smart TV on the counter; I can hear glass rattling inside.)

Customer: “I picked this up the other day and it’s broken! You owe me $2,000!”

Me: *stalling for time and playing along* “I’m very sorry to hear that; let’s take a look.”

Customer: “It’s broken! What else matters?”

Me: “Well, depending on the extent of the damage, we may be able to replace it. If the shipper insured it, we will have to file a claim describing the nature of the damage.”

Customer: *sighs loudly, clearly annoyed* “Fine, but I don’t see why you can’t just give me the money.”

Me: “Well, unfortunately, false claims are very common. Some people will run scams in order to get free stuff. I know it’s a pain, but before we can pay out we have to make sure the claim is legitimate and that the damage was caused by our drivers.”

Customer: “So, I might not get my money back, then? Thats f****** ridiculous! You broke it, so you should pay for it! What kind of dishonest bulls*** is this?”

(This goes on for a good ten minutes with the store’s owner standing by to diffuse the situation if it gets out of hand while we wait for the police. Finally they pull in to the parking lot. At this point the customer is becoming more irate.)

Customer: “I JUST WANT MY F****** MONEY BACK NOW! DO YOUR G**D*** JOB!”

Owner: *chimes in as two officers enter the store* “He has been, ma’am; he did an excellent job stalling you.” *then to the police* “This is her, officers.”

(All the color drains from her face and her mouth drops open to a perfect comical O shape.)

Customer: “Wha… what’s this about?”

Owner: “It’s about the security footage from last Saturday.” *pointing to the cameras*

Police Officer #1: “Ma’am, I need you to put both hands on the counter, and spread your feet.”

(Her eyes dart around rapidly before she makes a break for the front door. [Officer #2] tackles her and she goes down hard, yelling something about police brutality.)

Me: “Looks like they can add resisting arrest to your charges now.”

Owner: “And next time you steal something, it’s probably best not to try to return it to the same store.”

(The total value of all the packages she stole — coupled with a list of other charges from other retail stores in our area — turned out to be enough to send her to prison. The majority was from the smart TV she was trying to get us to cover.)

Pokémon Go To The Police!

, , , , , , , , | Hopeless | July 30, 2018

I work in a store in an outdoor shopping mall. If I end up closing, my boyfriend and I will eat a late dinner, and then drive down the main strip a few times hitting Pokéstops, as there are a ton in the area.

We also try to beat one of the gyms in the area most nights. Yesterday we parked to battle the gym and ended up winning and claiming it for our team. Less than a minute later, a police car pulled up behind us, blocking us from backing out of the parking spot.

The officer came to the car and wasted no time telling us that it was his gym and he would be taking it back!

It made our night, and now we are in for a real battle!

Sue The Lawyer

, , , | Legal | July 30, 2018

Me: “[Lawyer]’s office. How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “He’s with clients right now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to talk to him.”

Me: “I can give him a message, but he won’t be available for a few hours.”

Caller: “Fine, leave a message for him. This is [Caller]. Tell him I want to talk to him about him trespassing on my property!”

Me: “Um, okay. I’ll be sure to give him the message.”

(Thirty minutes later when I answer the phone:)

Caller: “Did you give him my message?”

Me: “No, sir, he is still with clients. I will let him know you called as soon as he has finished.”

Caller: “I want to leave another message. You tell him that he can either talk to me, or he can talk to the sheriff if he doesn’t call me.”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, sir. I will give him the message. However, it will likely be a few more hours before he is even finished with his clients.”

Caller: “You tell him what I said.”

(An hour later, when I answer:)

Sheriff: “This Is [Sheriff]. Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “Is this concerning [Caller]?”

Sheriff: “It is.”

Me: “I apologize, sir. He is not going to be available for a few hours more. As I told [Caller], he won’t be able to call back until he has finished with his current clients.”

Sheriff: “Can you tell [Lawyer] to call me today as soon as he is available?”

Me: “Yes, I will. Does this mean that Mr. [Caller] is not going to be calling us anymore?”

Sheriff: “I can’t promise that he won’t call back, but hopefully this will have calmed down his need to talk to [Lawyer].”

(Two hours later, the lawyer finally finishes with his client, and I flag him down to explain the situation. He instantly groans and starts laughing.)

Lawyer: “Did he really call the police on me? I can’t believe him. I went on his property to talk with his wife about some different property that she was selling. He was angry that I was there to even talk with her, because his name isn’t on the property for sale, so he won’t get any of the money. He called the office twice last night and left a message to complain about me going over there to seduce her and claimed that she was completely upset with my even being there. She was the one that invited me over to talk about selling the land to me! What a jerk!”

The Key To Pressing Charges

, , , , , | Legal | July 28, 2018

(I am a broke university student, driving almost every weekend to my parents house to do laundry as it is cheaper than laundromats. My old car is so rusty I am sure it will fail its next biannual mandatory safety inspection. I’ve just gotten into my car, searching the USB drive with my music on it, and I hear someone honking. I know parking spaces are sparse in my neighborhood, so I quickly continue searching as I presume he only wants to let me know he’s there waiting for my parking spot. Not a minute later the driver, a man from my house, is knocking on my window.)

Me: *cranking down my window* “Hi. I’m driving away in a minute. I just need to search something quickly.”

Man: “Hurry up! I don’t have all day.”

(This angers me, so I take my bag, get out of the car and lock it.)

Me: “You know what? I think I’m just going to drive tomorrow morning. Have a nice evening.”

Man: “WHAT?! No, there’s no other parking space right now! Get back in your car and get lost.”

Me: *looking at my watch* “Considering the time of day I don’t think there’s going to be another one soon, either. You better search elsewhere. Bye!”

(I go home and cool down. The next morning I get to my car and find it with profanities scratched into all four sides of it, and quite a few dents ranging from small to almost a hole. I call the police and tell them what happened. They come quickly; I show them to the neighbor and they confront him about it.)

Man: *grinning* “Oh, no! I’d never do such a thing.”

Police: *pointing at his key visible at a table near the entrance* “Do you mind if we take a look at that key right there?”

(He reluctantly handed them the key and, sure enough, it still had visible traces of my car’s paint on it. They took our statements and I continued my day. A few days later the guy’s lawyer contacted me, asking if I’d be willing to drop the charges if he paid for the repairs. I told him the damages are too severe for partial repairs and my mechanic thought the car needed a full bodywork and paint job to rectify the damages. He agreed and I took the car to my mechanic who, besides repairing the damages, also did some smaller, necessary repairs for free as they don’t add up considering the amount of work involved. My car passed its next safety inspection with flying colors. So, thanks for being a d**k! It really helped.)

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