A Woman’s Place Is Anywhere She D*** Well Wants

, , , , , | | Legal | July 12, 2019

(It’s very hot and late at night, and I’m trying to find cool air on the terrace. My very loud, thick, stupid, and rough neighbour is on his terrace and he’s so loud I cannot help but overhear what he’s complaining about.)

Neighbour: “Yeah, dat girl cop stops me and she wants to control things and all, and I tell her, ‘Nah, stop pissing me off, get back to the kitchen, do some cooking, clean up, leave me alone.’ And then she writes me down, the b****. And ya know what? I’m even scheduled to go to court! Just because I told her to go do women stuff! Life’s a b****!”

This Turned Around In A Dash  

, , , , , | | Legal | July 1, 2019

(I work second shift, so I get home around 1:00 am. It’s summer, so there’s no school, but teens still have a city curfew of 11:00 pm. I’m turning left onto my street after work, and I almost hit a teen who was crossing the street behind a stopped car, who I didn’t see until I was almost on top of him. Mr. Big Man flips me off, which I see in my rearview mirror. He must’ve watched which driveway I pulled into, because I get an unexpected visit the next morning at 9:00 am, when I’m pulled out of bed by a knock. I open the door, half asleep, to see a cop and the boy standing at my door.)

Cop: “Good morning. Is that your car outside?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Cop: “Did you hit this boy with that car last night?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “She’s lying! Arrest her!”

Cop: *to the teen* “Shush.” *to me* “He says you did. How about we go to the station and get this cleared up?”

(The teen starts looking quite smug.)

Me: “Sure. Should I also bring along the dash cam video that shows this minor out after curfew, crossing the street in a dark area, and staring down at his phone the entire time, up until I almost hit him?”

(The teen’s smug face drops. The cop studies me for a couple of seconds, and then just gives me a single nod.)

Cop: “Thank you, that won’t be necessary. When my dear nephew here—“ *raises his hand to grasp the back of the teen’s neck* “—told me a car practically ran him off the road, I figured I’d better look into it. But I believe you, and I’ll make sure he has plenty to do to stay busy until school resumes. Have a nice day, miss.”

(They left, the cop still holding tight to his nephew’s neck, while the boy started begging his uncle to NOT tell Mom or his grandparents about this. Good luck, kid!)

Can’t Put My Finger On Why This Is Weird

, , , | | Legal | June 20, 2019

(I’m in my senior year of college, preparing to start the student teaching portion of my degree along with many of my classmates. One of the requirements to begin student teaching is to be fingerprinted for a background check. To ensure this gets done by the deadline, my professor decides to use a portion of class time to walk us down to the police station to be fingerprinted. There are a couple of officers working through 20 or so of us — an older officer and a guy probably not much older than we are. When it gets to me, I’m assigned to the younger officer. He rolls my index finger in ink then rolls it onto the paper. The officer examines the print thoughtfully.)

Officer: “You know, you have really pretty fingerprints.”

Me: “Uh, thank you?”

(He went on to awkwardly explain that they’re well-defined and it means I shouldn’t go out committing any crimes, but it remains the strangest compliment I’ve ever received!)

They’ll Be There By The Twelfth Round

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 18, 2019

(This story is courtesy of my father-in-law. He is a regular at a busy little pub in [Large City] with an interesting mix of clientele. This pub is located on the main road and shares a car park with a reasonably large police station. One night things get a bit rowdy and a large scale fight breaks out. Windows are being smashed and people are staggering away bleeding. Naturally, the landlady calls the police.

Landlady: “This is the landlady of [Pub] on [Street]. We’ve got a massive brawl going on; could you please send some help?”

Dispatch: “No problem, but the nearest officers we have right now are 30 minutes away.”

Landlady: *glances down the street at the busy and active police station* “Isn’t there anyone who can get here faster?”

Dispatch: “Sorry, duck, there isn’t. Tell you what; do you think you can keep the fight going until we get there?”

Working In A Toxic Environment

, , , , , | | Legal | June 7, 2019

(I work in a very rural county where there are only one high school and two stop lights, and the main highway that leads to a city across the Virginia state line runs through the middle of town and past the sheriff department. It’s one of those ‘everyone knows everyone’ kind of Southern towns. It is an early Sunday morning; a state trooper is finishing up a report at our desk from an earlier accident while I am processing a public intox just brought in by a deputy.)

Dispatch: “Communications to any unit in [Town]?”

Deputy: “Go ahead, Communications.”

Dispatch: “[Deputy], EMS [Truck #2] advises they are behind a wrong-way driver heading into town.”

(The driver is all over the roadway and has nearly run off the road multiple times. It’s a possible DWI. The deputy and trooper practically run towards the door. While our county may be rural, the highway is frequented by big rigs and the occasional wayward livestock this late at night.)

Deputy: “Communications, I’ll be in route with [Trooper].”

Dispatch: “10-4, EMS has lights and sirens on, but the driver is not slowing down.”

(The two run out the door just as my coworker comes into the office.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy, DWI?”

Me: “Yup, going the wrong way down the highway.”

(Not even a half-hour later the two return, along with the patrol sergeant, and in between them they are escorting an intoxicated woman.)

Woman: “I swear I’m not drunk!”

Patrol Sergeant: “Ma’am, you just drove nearly five miles the wrong way, flew through a red light, and almost ran over one of my deputies!”

Woman: “Oh, he’s okay. Besides, I only had one shot.”

Trooper: “Ma’am, you blew twice the legal limit.”

Woman: “Okay, so it was more than one shot of gin.”

Coworker: “Oooh, she’s in so much trouble!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “Her mama is a minister at the church down the street. She’s gonna get it.”

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