His Brain Needed More Fuel Than The Car Did

, , , , , | Legal | February 15, 2019

It was almost at the end of our shift when the dispatcher called out information that a driver had fuelled up his car at a petrol station, left the fuel nozzle on the ground — a clear indicator of a fuel thief — and driven off without paying.

Usually, fuel thieves use stolen license plates that frequently don’t even match the make of the car. Nevertheless, I ran the license plate. Surprisingly, everything matched. Even the registered owner’s address was nearby.

I told my partner the address, and although we both agreed that nobody would be stupid enough to go to their registered address after stealing in broad daylight, we still gave it a shot. When we were almost there, we saw the same car stopping in front of the house, with the owner in the driver’s seat. When he saw our police car, his eyes went wide and he froze. I could see that he honestly assumed that his plan of filling up and going home without an issue would be perfect.

We arrested him for theft, and he also had to pay for the fuel.

Stuck In A Bloody Cycle

, , , , , | Healthy | February 13, 2019

About twelve years ago I was riding my motorcycle when I got hit by a driver that didn’t look to see whether the road was clear while exiting her driveway. The impact and subsequent fall wrecked the bike pretty badly; the lights and the mirrors were shattered, the rear brake drum had cracked, the clutch got stuck on partially-disengaged, and the transmission got stuck on third. I was okay, aside from a nasty cut on my chin that got the front of my jacket covered in blood.

After checking myself for bodily injuries and concluding that I had sustained none aside from that cut, I exchanged the mandatory details with the woman that hit me, and told her I wanted to contact the police to have an accident report filled. The woman exclaimed that “she had no time for this,” and promptly drove off, leaving her front bumper, which had torn off in the collision, behind. I then found out that I had no battery remaining on my phone.

I just went to the police station to get that report, on that very bike which was somehow still driveable with all that damage. The officer I spoke to was horrified by the way I looked with all that blood, told me that the report could wait, and urged me to go to the ER to get myself examined. When he asked me whether I could get to the hospital myself, I absent-mindedly just nodded and pointed at the helmet I had in my hand. That seemed to satisfy him and I went on my way.

In retrospect, I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I rode a motorcycle in a condition that made it nowhere near legal to be ridden right up to the police station’s front door, or that the officer, who must have assumed that I was involved in a serious crash, was perfectly fine with me riding the motorcycle involved in that very same crash to the hospital.

The Only Worthy Reason To Become A Police Officer

, , , , , | Legal | February 8, 2019

Guest: “Are you security here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Guest: “There’s a car blocking the street and I can’t get through to the exit.”

Me: “Ma’am… um… that’s a police car, and they can park wherever they want. All you need to d…”

Guest: “Well, if he can park there, why can’t I?”

Me: “Because you’re not a law enforcement officer on official business, ma’am. Now, to exit, you just tu…”

Guest: “How do I get to be a cop so I can park in the street?”

Me: “Contact your local police department, ma’am; they’ll give you details. Just turn left, drive to the end of the row, and turn right; takes you straight to the exit.”

Agree With Her Sentiment, Not Her Method

, , , , , , | Legal | February 4, 2019

(I am in a sporting goods store, picking up a shotgun I bought the day before. After signing the paperwork to take it home and getting it out the door, some woman is giving me a dirty look as I walk out of the store with the box. She decides to follow me to my car. After putting it in the trunk and closing it, she starts confronting me out of nowhere, demanding I give up the gun I just bought.)

Woman: “I’m going to have to ask you to give up your gun.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “Your gun. Give it up; you shouldn’t have it.”

Me: “And what makes you think I shouldn’t?”

Woman: “You’re not a cop or a soldier so you shouldn’t have one.”

Me: “And what are you going to do if I don’t?”

Woman: “I’ll call the police and watch them forcibly take it from you.”

Me: “Go ahead and call the police. And I’ll watch them put you in handcuffs for not only harassing me but infringing on my Second Amendment right.”

(She called the police and in five minutes they were there. I’m guessing they were nearby.)

Cop: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Woman: “This man has a gun in the trunk of his car and refuses to give it up.”

Cop: “Miss, calm down and let me talk to him and we’ll get this all straightened out.”

(He talks to me:)

Cop: “Sir, please open your trunk so I can what the problem is.”

(I open the trunk and the cop sees the box that has the gun it. I still have the receipt in hand so I show it to him. He inspects it and sees nothing wrong.)

Cop: “Okay, this checks out. You purchased it yesterday and waited the twenty-four hours to pick it up. So what appears to be the problem here?”

Woman: “He’s not a cop.”

Cop: “How do you know that?”

Woman: “He’s not in uniform.”

Cop: “So? He could be off duty.”

Woman: “He shouldn’t own one.”

(The cop turns to me again.)

Cop: “Sir, I hate to ask but can see a form of ID and your FOID card?”

(The Firearm Owner’s Identification card is required in Illinois.)

Me: “No problem, officer.”

(I hand him both and he examines them.)

Cop: “Well, miss, he is of age to buy one and this FOID card — which is pretty recent — allows him to own it, so I don’t see a problem here.”

Woman: “What about the background check? I bet he didn’t pass it.”

Cop: “Miss, if he didn’t pass a background check he wouldn’t have left the store with that gun let alone even have that FOID card.”

Woman: “Well, I bet he lied about it just to have it.”

Cop: “Look, miss, I don’t care about what you think because right now you are harassing this man and wasting my time, both of which are arrestable offenses.”

Woman: “I am not leaving until you do your job and take his gun away.”

Cop: “Miss, he has down nothing to warrant that. Now, final warning: leave it alone or I will arrest you.”

Woman: “No. Guns are evil and no one should own them.”

(She was arrested right there. The cop apologized to me for the trouble and told me to be safe getting home. Glad the cop actually did show up otherwise that could’ve gone on forever.)

Cat Caught Your Offending Tongue

, , , | Legal | January 20, 2019

(Children have been throwing stones at my friend’s house for years. My friend, who is disabled and has intellectual difficulties, is terrified. He calls the police. A cop is taking a witness statement from me, as I witnessed the most recent attack. Law enforcement is an extremely dangerous job here; police officers look under their car for a bomb every morning. I am EXTREMELY respectful and do what I can to lighten their day.)

Cop: “The second attack was at 1430. What happened then?”

Me: “I went outside, saw five kids, and told them to stop throwing stones because [Friend] was very scared.”

Cop: “Did you recognise any of them?”

Me: *addressing him by his rank* “No, constable. I have Asperger Syndrome and I’m face-blind. I have extreme difficulty recognising people.”

Cop: “Can you say what age they are?”

Me: “Same problem, sir. Between seven and fourteen? Hey, there’s [Friend]’s cat, Marty. He could give you better evidence.”

Cop: *grinning* “Perhaps, but I’m not sure a cat makes a competent witness.”

Me: “Did you know police in Wales tried to prosecute a guy for murder on the grounds that he confessed to his cat?”

Cop: “What?”

Me: “They had bugged his flat, and found he talked to his cat a lot. Apparently, he told the cat he killed the guy. Really, I studied law.”

Cop: *laughter* “So, anyway…”

(He talked to the other kids, who quickly turned in the culprit. He will be dealt with!)

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