(I have recently started working in retail, and this is my first time on the checkout. I am serving a customer who is paying by card.)

Customer: “What do I do?”

Me: “You put the card into the bottom of the chip and pin machine.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “Umm, there’s a slit at the bottom you insert it into.”

Customer: “Which way?”

Me: “Chip facing up and into the machine.”

Customer: “And how far do you push it in?”

Me: “As far as it will let you.”

(He stares at the machine for a LONG time before doing what is expected perfectly the first time. I process the charge.)

Me: “Okay, just put your pin number in and press okay.”

Customer: “How do I do that?”

Me: “You press the number buttons?”

Customer: “…I would like to speak to your manager.”

Me: “Oh, sure. Have I done something to upset you?”

Customer: “You have terrible customer service!”

(A manager is called. She walks up to me and rolls her eyes at the customer. She looks at the register screen.)

Customer: “Oh, [Manager]. Excellent—”

Manager: “You need to enter each number of your pin number sequentially in order of left to right as they were originally dictated to you when you first received them.”

Customer: “And th—”

Manager: “You then press the green button labelled OK on the bottom right of the machine. There are 18 buttons on the machine. Starting from the top left button, you go left to right by two, and top to bottom by five.”

(The customer spends an excruciating amount of time staring at the machine, so long that the machine times out, and the manager gives an very long and detailed description of what happened. Finally, after several minutes, he enters his number and the receipt prints out. The manager takes it.)

Manager: “This piece of paper is your receipt of purchase. You need to hold on to this to ensure you are able to return your items without difficulty should they fail to meet your expectations.”

Customer: “Thank you very, very much.” *to me* “THAT is how you treat your customers. *to Manager* You need to train your staff more!”

Manager: “Of course; however, many of our staff assume that our customers have the common sense to know how to pay in the same manner that have done every week for years without having their hands held through the entire process.”

(The customer sputters out of a retort before screaming that he’s calling our HR department as he storms out.)

Manager: “Here’s hoping he doesn’t come back this time.”

Me: “Does he have a mental illness or something?”

Manager: “I thought that at first, until I met his ex-wife on a night out, and she told me he puts it on to make our lives difficult.”

Me: “Can’t you just ban him?”

Manager: “After five years of trying to, he just keeps coming back. Even getting the police involved doesn’t stop him.”

(He came in a week later but I was more prepared this time, and I gave such a convoluted description of the entire process, with as many large words as I could think of, that he didn’t come back for nearly a month. I got Employee of the Month for “excellent custom service.”)

(I am a hostess at a family-oriented chain restaurant. This particular evening is the busiest I have ever seen, with every single table occupied and a huge crowd of people waiting to be seated. Most people who approach the restaurant see the giant crowds and just walk away, but a man comes in with his wife and two kids around eight pm, and he literally has to push through the crowd to get to me.)

Customer: “Table for four, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, as you can see we are slammed tonight and the wait for a table is currently about TWO hours. I can put your name on the wait list if you want, but it is unlikely we’ll be able to get you seated before 10 pm.”

Customer: “What?! No, wait, I have a reservation. It’s under the last name… umm… Smith.”

Me: “Sir, we do not accept reservations at this restaurant.”

Customer: “Oh, well… umm… uhhh… that’s not what the other girl said! I made a reservation here for eight pm with the girl who was in earlier. She took my name!”

Me: “Sir, the MAN who usually works the early shift called in sick today. I took his shift and I assure you I did not promise you a reservation and neither did anyone else here.”

(I point to sign on desk that clearly says walk-ins only; no reservations accepted. It’s obvious he is just making stuff up completely trying to cut the line, but I decide not to directly call him out on it and play along.)

Me: “Is it possible you made your reservation at another restaurant?”

Customer: “No. Look, here, just take this and get us seated right now.”

(He tries to hand me a $20 bill but I put my hand behind my back.)

Me: “Even if I wanted to take that, sir, look around. Literally every single table in this place is currently occupied. I have no where to put you.”

Customer: *now screaming* “WHAT THE H***, YOU SELFISH B****! WHAT DO YOU WANT, $100? I CAN’T AFFORD THAT. I JUST WANT TO GET MY FAMILY SOME FOOD!”

(Now everyone is looking in our direction. He takes a step back and smirks at me, then starts turning to other customer and telling them I tried to “blackmail” him into giving me $100 to cut the line. My manager hears the commotion and comes to see what is happening.)

Customer: *to Manager* “She told me if I wanted to be seated tonight I need to pay her $100. This is an outrage! I demand you fire her and I want a free meal right now!”

(I have been working at this restaurant for over two years and the manager knows me well. He turns to me and asks if it’s true.)

Me: “Absolutely not. He tried to give me a $20 and started screaming when I wouldn’t take it. I mean, we could just check the security camera.” *I point to the camera the owner had installed about six months ago when someone tried to rob the place at gunpoint. I know it has advanced picture and sound, and there is a microphone installed at the hostess podium that catches everything said near there.* “I’m sure it caught the entire conversation.”

(The customer looked panicked and ran out of the store, taking his confused family with him. My boss and I went back and watched the camera footage after the restaurant closed that night, just for fun.)

(This happens when I am in fifth grade. At my school, we keep our textbooks in cubbies in the back of the classroom unless we are taking them home to do homework. We also rotate classes with two other classes. My teacher teaches math, and two other teachers teach my class history and science, and we move classrooms. I was out sick one day, and when I come in the next day and go to get my book, my math textbook is no longer in my cubby.)

Me: “[Teacher], my math book isn’t here.”

Teacher: “Are you sure that you didn’t leave it at home?”

Me: “I’m sure.”

Teacher: “Well… we have a spare. Use that one for now, and look around the classroom. When you go home, try to find your math book and bring it in. Otherwise, you’ll have to pay for it before you can go to sixth grade.”

(I don’t find my math book at home or in any of the cubbies at school, and all the other students in all three rotation classes deny seeing it. I’m worried, because the math books had been bought that year and would therefore be pricey to pay for. Finally, on the second-to-last-day of school, my mom relents and writes a check for the book. During class, I turn in the rest of my textbooks.)

Teacher: “[My Name], did you ever find your math book?”

Me: “No. I have the check; I’ll give it to you at the end of class.”

(A student from the science rotation class comes in holding a math book in their hands.)

Student: “Hi, [Teacher]… I had two math books. One at home; one in my cubby. I just used them both all year, but this one has [Teacher] and [My Name] written inside the cover.”

Teacher: “[Student], are you telling me that I blamed [My Name] all year for losing her math book when really you ‘borrowed’ it, pretended you didn’t, and never gave it back because you didn’t want to carry your book between school and your house?”

Student: “Yes… I’m sorry.”

Teacher: “Sorry is not enough. Sit down here. Here’s a piece of paper and a pencil. You’re going to write [My Name] an apology letter.”

(He did sit down next to me and write me the apology, though I felt very embarrassed by this. On the other hand, it was very satisfying to rip the check up and tell my parents the book had been found and we didn’t have to pay!)

(I get a lot of rude people throwing their credit cards at me. One day it happened one time too many.)

Rude Customer: *blathering on phone, throws card at me*

(The card falls in crack between my desk and wall.)

Me: “Oops, can’t reach that. Do you have another card?” *big grin*

Rude Customer: *to phone* “Hold on a second.” *to me* “You’ll get that, b****, or else!” *shakes fist*

Me: *bigger grin* “Can’t. Now, pay or lose your room!”

(She rants expletives at me, and I just smile, which only makes her madder. Finally the manager is called.)

Rude Customer: “She dropped my card and that’s my only one!”

Me: “Not true; she threw it at me. Check the cameras.”

(The customer choked, then flounced away. She later complained the corporate, and got a free certificate! Her card is still there as far as I know.)

(I work in a call center for a large bus company. I’m known for having an extremely friendly attitude, but even I struggle with this customer, who sounds downright mean and condescending through the entire exchange.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Bus Company]. How may I help you?

Customer: “I need to find out how to get from [Small Town] to [Large City].”

Me: “Sure thing! What date and time are you interested in traveling?”

Customer: “None of your business.”

Me: “Ma’am? We have quite a few buses running daily between those places. I don’t need the exact time, but do you have an estimate? Say Wednesday afternoons in April?”

Customer: “Listen up! I don’t call here to have you pry into my personal life! Why should I be required to tell you what I’m doing and when? Just tell me how I can get to where I’m going!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would, but the schedule depends on the weekday and month. I just want to make sure I’m giving you the right times; that’s all!”

Customer: “I don’t care! You’re just a little sneak! This is the worst customer service ever! Can’t even answer a simple question! I wonder how you managed to get this job, seeing as you’re horrible at it…”

(At this point I really have to make an effort to sound friendly, and I just want to get rid of her.)

Me: “Would you like me to pick a month and then read aloud the whole schedule? I have to warn you, there are over twenty per day.”

Customer: “Well, are you going to start or not?”

Me: “Well, if you were to travel next week, on Monda- ”

Customer: “No! Not next week; the one after that!”

Me: “Okay. So on that week, the first bus leaves on Monday morning at four am; the- ”

(The customer snorts.)

Customer: “Seriously? Are you stupid? Why are you giving me all this useless information? I would never travel that early. Tell me the afternoon schedules.”

(She then lets me go through the list without further interruption.)

Customer: “Thank you. Oh, by the way, you’re not really bad at customer service. It’s just that I do customer service myself and got shouted at by a customer today. I felt really bad about it and wanted to take it out on someone, you know? Thankfully, I had you. Well, bye!”

Me: “Have a nice day…?”

(I quit shortly after.)