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Enough Audacity To Make You Want To Pop!

, , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

I have a coworker who is, to put it mildly, a piece of work. Selfish, egocentric, abusive, petty, and cruel all spring to mind to describe [Toxic Coworker]. However, this story is the best example of what kind of person she is.

I buy large bags of popcorn as a thank you and bribe to my mentor. They are only $7, but I pay for these bags with my own money. He keeps them under his desk but will share if asked. Because [Toxic Coworker] steals entire bags if I get more than one, I typically get one bag at a time. This, again, is clearly under my mentor’s desk to mark it as HIS food.

One day, a half-full bag goes missing and he asks where it is. I don’t know and we conclude that [Toxic Coworker] took the bag. At this point, she has only taken full unopened bags or some popcorn and left the bag.

Coworker: “[Toxic Coworker] said she had popcorn upstairs.”

To recap, she took my mentor’s popcorn that I had paid for with MY own money and told another coworker SHE had popcorn upstairs. Right.

He’s Got Beef About The Chicken

, , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

I tried vegetarianism but just couldn’t get it to work, so I eat vegetarian most of the week, and when I do eat meat, it comes from responsible and ethical sources. I find that people struggle to understand this, and I’ve given up trying to explain. 

We are on a work outing at a fancy restaurant. The waiter explains that the chicken is locally-sourced and free-range and has been personally selected by the chef for the quality of the poultry and conditions of the farm.

Suitably impressed, I order the chicken, and when it comes, I know I made the right choice. The colour and size are impressive, and it tastes far better than any cheap factory meat.

Just then, my coworker looks up.

Coworker #1: “Aha! I knew it. Another fake vegetarian. Meat looked too good to resist?”

Me: “I never told you I was a vegetarian.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, cut the crap. I see you at work eating all the vegetarian meals.”

Coworker #2: “Leave him alone. He can change his mind if he wants.”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not a vegetarian. I just don’t eat a lot of meat.”

Coworker #1: “Yeah, right! I caught you; that’s why you’re saying that.”

Waiter: “I’m sorry, but I will have to ask you to keep the noise down.”

Me: “Sorry about him. We will be quiet.”

Coworker #1: *Getting angry* “The h*** I will. You can’t just brush this off”

Boss: “Shut up or leave, [Coworker #1].”

Coworker #1: *Loudly* “No, I’m not at work. You can’t tell me what to do!”

Waiter: “I will bring you the bill. And some to-go bags.”

Many of us haven’t even gotten our meals; we don’t want to leave.

Boss: “I remind you that you are representing the company, on a company-paid outing. You can and will be disciplined for your actions.”

Coworker #1: “Whatever. The food wasn’t even that good.”

He left and we just about managed to convince them to let us stay. The rest of the meal was awkward, but the food at least tasted good.

Your Right To Entry Is Not The Same As Your Right To Be Human

, , , , , , | Right | October 26, 2021

We are in the middle of a lockdown. Masks are to be worn by everyone outdoors, and particularly when entering any shop or other venue. Patrons are also required to check in their name and phone number for tracking purposes, either by using a check-in app or other means.

I’m standing at the door, checking patrons in, when a rather large man strides importantly up to me and attempts to push me aside so he can enter. I politely bar his way.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but you must wear a mask if you want to come in here, and you must check in, too.”

Patron: *Very aggressively* “No! Wearing a mask is blasphemy. It’s up to God to decide who gets, or doesn’t get, the disease, so wearing a mask is flouting God’s will!”

I’m trying not to get involved in a religious argument. 

Me: “Sir, the law requires you to wear a mask, regardless.”

Patron: *Getting more aggressive* “It is my human right to freedom of religious beliefs. If you force me to wear a mask, you are denying me my human rights!”

I’m not too sure where I stand legally on the situation.

Me: “Well, sir, I can’t allow you to come in. If you force your way in without wearing a mask or checking in, it is my duty to call the police. You can fight it out with them.”

Patron: “You haven’t heard the end of this! I am going straight to see my lawyer to make a complaint to the Human Rights Commission. You will hear more from them when they put you in prison for denying me my human rights!”

He strode rapidly away, leaving a number of other patrons asking what was going on. I simply shrugged and continued checking in the other patrons. I never heard any more about it.

When You Effed Yourself

, , , , | Right | October 26, 2021

After some years, upper management is gradually transitioning me into a shift manager by granting me new tasks and responsibilities. One such privilege is being allowed to grant refunds, do discount overrides at the registers, and correct orders.

On a busy evening, I notice a woman in her early twenties standing to the side with an angry expression, looking like she is waiting to speak to someone. I approach her.

Me: “Did you need help?”

Customer: “F*** you.”

I walk away.

Customer: “You aren’t the person I ordered with. I don’t need your help.”

A few minutes later, the cashier that took her order appears and asks what’s wrong.

Customer: “I just now noticed this sign over there that says I can get this for [special], but you charged me the full price!”

Cashier: “Oh, I’m sorry! He can give you the discount and refund you the difference.” *Points to me*

She turns the color of a stop sign while slowly walking over to me.

Customer: “Um… hi…”

Me: “No, no, no… I asked you if you needed help, and what was your answer?”

Customer: “I didn’t know you were the manager or whatever in charge. But can you—”

Me: “Ma’am? Listen to the question. I asked you if you needed help, and what was your exact response? Quote it.”

Customer: *Pauses* “F*** you.”

Me: “There you go. Next in line, please!”

A Delightful Kind Of Karma Befalls Stupid Criminals

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: kens9877 | October 25, 2021

I’ve worked for a woodworking company since I was eighteen. Across from my company is a [Coffee Shop], and every morning and lunch I go there to eat. It’s also where a lot of my friends work.

It’s right at the height of the health crisis, my company is closed, and I’m stuck on a schedule: wake up, go to [Coffee Shop], eat, and that would be the time I would go to work. Now, I just chill at [Coffee Shop] and help out since they were my first job when I was sixteen. This goes on for a week.

I’m exhausted from working at [Coffee Shop]. It’s very different from woodworking; I forgot about that. I’m meditating in one of the lounge chairs they have in the lobby. Then, a woman walks in, places her order, and comes over to me.

Woman: “You can’t be sleeping here. You have to go.”

I am already out of f***s at this point.

Me: “Who are you?”

Woman: “Just get out of the store.”

Me: “No, I don’t have to.”

Woman: “Homeless people aren’t allowed in the store.”

Me: “First—

Woman: “You vagrant! I’m sleeping with the owner. I can call the police and have you removed!”

Me: “Go for it.”

The woman called the police and then told them I’d attacked her. The police came, and before anyone could say anything, my best friend — who is also the owner and loves to be a jerk when presented with the chance — told the police, loudly enough that everyone in the store could hear him, that he thought that the woman was prostituting herself around the [Coffee Shop] property. The woman went white as the police started questioning her. I thought that was it.

It wasn’t.

The woman had a warrant out for her arrest for identity theft, and when they searched her, they found several cards and IDs with other people’s names on them. It was perfect.