What Kind Of Mutant Platypus Has He Been Seeing?!

, , , , | Romantic | March 20, 2019

(I observe this couple in a gift shop.)

Wife: *picks up a realistic stuffed narwhal toy* “Aww, honey, look at this!”

Husband: “What is that?! Is that, like, one of them platypuses?”

Wife: “No, it’s a narwhal!”

Husband: “A what?”

Wife: “A narwhal. It’s a whale with a horn that lives in the Arctic.”

Husband: “And… it’s real?”

Wife: “Yes, it’s real! Have you seriously never heard of a narwhal?!”

Husband: “Never. That thing looks like a f****** unicorn-manatee or something!”

(I’m not sure what’s stranger — that this guy had never heard of a narwhal, or that he had apparently heard of a platypus but thinks it looks like a whale!)

Fraud Is Mighty When In Blighty

, , , , | Legal Right | March 8, 2019

(I am from the USA, visiting the UK. Every single place I visit asks to see my ID since I don’t have a signature on the back of my credit card.)

Employee: “May I please see your ID?”

Me: “It’s amazing! Everywhere I’ve been in the UK, they’ve checked my ID!”

Employee: “Well, it’s law. We have to check to see if your signature matches.”

Me: “It’s law in America, too, but that doesn’t stop every single place I’ve worked from allowing people to check out after saying they were using their boyfriend’s/mom’s/whoever’s card!”

Employee: “That’s credit card fraud!”

Me: “To an American business, that’s a sale!”

Main Street Is For Squares

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2019

(I am walking when a couple of Americans approach me, clearly annoyed.)

Male Tourist: “Where is the main street?”

Me: “Well, in Italy we do not have a main street as you have in the States. We have a main square, usually, but if you’re searching for—“

Male Tourist: “What do you mean, you don’t have a main street?!”

Me: “I mean that if you’re searching for [Famous Shopping Street], I’ll be glad to give you the indications, but it’s not a main street. The city centre is collocated around [Main Square].”

Male Tourist: “Well, that’s stupid!”

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s just different from the United States.”

Female Tourist: *huffing* “You all should learn from us, you know? A main square makes no sense at all.”

Me: *starting to be a little annoyed at this point* “Whatever. This is how things work here.”

Male Tourist: “Well, it’s still stupid. We do things much better in our country.”

Me: *deciding to leave* “With all due respect, you elected Donald Trump. Good luck!”

Shoppers: Know Your Limits

, , , , | Related | February 2, 2019

(A young girl and her parents approach the entrance of our gift shop.)

Girl: *stops dead with her jaw dropped* “Mom! I can’t go in there! I can’t! I’ll spend all my money! I just can’t!”

Mother: “Sweetie, you can still look and—”

Girl: “NO! There’s too much cool stuff! All my money will be gone! It’s too much pressure! I JUST CAN’T!” *throws her arms up and runs to sit on the nearest bench, clearly upset*

(The father stays with the girl while the mother shops. In the end, she buys her daughter a surprise gift and the girl is super happy. As they walk away, the last thing I hear is:)

Girl: “Wait! How much do I owe you?”

An Alarming Lack Of Overstock

, , , | Right | January 15, 2019

(I shop I work at has a ton of artist-made, one-of-a-kind items. It’s is also quite small and built in a historic building.)

Customer: “Do you have this bowl in blue?”

Me: “I’m afraid what you see is all we have.”

Customer: “Could you check the back?”

Me: “All of our product is on display; we don’t have overstock.”

Customer: “Don’t be lazy! Just check the back room.”

Me: “There is no back room to check.”

Customer: “Then what’s that?”

Me: “That’s our back door.”

(The customer rolls their eyes and huffs but continues shopping. A few minutes later, the alarm shrieks out. The customer has opened the back door, setting off the alarm and stepping outside. I rush to disable the alarm, and there’s a minute of silence before I hear a knock at the back door. Outside, there’s a narrow, private alley locked on both sides by a tall gate, and the customer has obviously found himself caged in. I open the door to find him looking sheepish, and he quickly makes his way through the store to leave. I can’t help calling after him:)

Me: “Did you find overstock in the back room?”

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