Doing Party Tricks By The Numbers

, | Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | November 25, 2016

(The theme park I work for is in the process of changing ownership. As a result, all merchandise labelled with the old management name is sold as 60% off clearance in a special tent sale. Despite the sale’s popularity, I usually work alone in the tent. A customer asks me to price check an item. As the register requires us to override and manually enter the discount for each item separately, I prefer to mentally do the math instead.)

Customer: “How much is this?”

Me: *sees the $30 tag* “With the 60% off, it will be $12, sir.”

Customer: “How did you do that?! Did you memorize all the sale prices?!”

Me: “No, I just calculated in my head, sir.”

Customer: *grabs a nearby item* “Well, how much is THIS, then?”

Me: “That’ll be $6, sir.”

(Customer watches me with a flabbergasted expression and thanks me. Ten minutes later at the register:)

Me: *sees the customer bring an armful of items* “Oh, hello again. Did you find everything all right?”

Customer’s Wife: “Honey, are we getting all of these?”

Customer: *to wife* “No, hush.” *to me* “Can you tell me the prices of these items?”

Me: *looks at the line forming behind him* “Yes, of course!”

(I go over each item with him, and as fast as I can, tell him the prices after the discount.)

Me: “Do you want any of these items, sir?”

Customer: *stares at me like I’m crazy* “Of course not.” *walks away and says to his wife* “See, I told you she could do a pretty cool trick!”

John Carpenter’s: Hamlet

, | Stratford-Upon-Avon, England, UK | Right | November 17, 2016

(I work in the gift shop at one of Shakespeare’s houses, and we get a lot of silly questions.)

Customer: “Does The Merchant of Venice have another name?”

Me: “It was occasionally called The Jew of Venice a long time ago but nobody calls it that now for obvious reasons.”

Customer: “Well, in the museum there was a list of all the plays and I couldn’t find it on there. Does it have another name? Like a subtitle?”

Me: “Um… no, I’m afraid not. It must have been on there somewhere.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought it might have another name – you know, like how Hamlet gets called Hamlet, Prince of Darkness?”

Me: “You mean, Prince of Denmark?”

Customer: *blank look*

Tastes Like Rubber Chicken

, | OK, USA | Right | August 4, 2016

(Our establishment allows us meal vouchers per shift to ensure we actually get something to eat on our lunch breaks. At first, employees weren’t able to use the vouchers in the gift shop, only at food venues, but a memo gets sent out that the directors are planning to change that. A few days after the new rules go into effect, this happens.)

Poker Dealer: *looking around at the shelves* “So, we can use our vouchers in here, right?”

Me: “Yep, anything you want. You just have to cover the difference.”

Poker Dealer: *talking with another dealer as they look before he reaches for an item holding it up* “Can I get these?”

Me: “Those are condoms…”

Poker Dealer: “So?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, are you going to eat them?”

Poker Dealer: “No… but someone else is!”

Me: *speechless*

Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Right | June 25, 2016

(In the shop I work in we sell international postcard stamps in strips of five. We don’t have single stamps. After a couple of years working here, I have a whole explanatory spiel that I go into to pre-empt the most common questions about the stamps.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have a stamp for one postcard?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. We only sell international stamps in strips of—”

(The customer suddenly glares at me and interrupts my spiel.)

Customer: “’I am afraid,’ you say. You are not afraid! I am afraid…”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir…”

(He wandered off, muttering under his breath in what sounded like German.)

Made A Large Mistake

| New York City, NY, USA | Working | May 31, 2016

(My sister and I are born-and-raised New Yorkers, but our relatives live in Finland. When they visit, we decide to go buy some corny souvenirs together. I need a new hoodie and decide to get the classic one with the NYPD logo. Please note that I am recovering from anorexia.)

Me: “Hi! Do you have the NYPD hoodie in medium or small?”

Employee: *looks me up and down* “You need a large.”

Me: “Er… I’m a size medium or small. The hoodies are bigger in size. I’m not a large.”

Employee: *laughs* “Sweetie, you’re a large. You need the big one.”

Me: “I know my body, thanks. There’s nothing wrong with being plus-sized, but you’re being very rude.”

(In Swedish, I told my sister and our relatives what he had said and we all promptly put back all the stuff we were going to buy. I felt insulted, but he lost the 200 dollars we were prepared to spend.)

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