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This Is Equal Parts Bizarre And Sad As Heck

, , , , , | Legal | September 28, 2021

This was in the early 2000s when chat rooms and Yahoo/AOL were the de facto standard of communicating on the Internet and it was a lot harder to verify things people would tell you about themselves.

I had a girl who looked to be in her late teens move in with me after I advertised an empty room in my house. One grating thing about her that I discovered right away was that she talked incessantly and often told far-fetched stories about herself. Many of her stories often appeared to garner sympathy — i.e. being sexually assaulted in a subway, having to give the resulting child up for adoption, etc. As tempting as it was to give her back her rent money and tell her to move along, I grinned and bore it only because I lived with my elderly grandma from ages seventeen to nineteen and drove that poor woman up the wall with my teenage antics.

Over the following two months, I noticed that my roommate received an unusual amount of mail and packages. The packages were always small gifts like teddy bears, chocolates, inexpensive jewelry, and such. I figured they were from her family and found it endearing. The house phone also frequently rang with calls for her.

One late evening, I was coming from work and was shocked to find a mass of police cars, EMT workers, and an ambulance congregating around my house with my front door smashed in.

After letting someone know that I was a resident of the house and wanted to know what in the world was going on, I was let in. There was my roommate sitting on my couch with officers screaming at her: “You need to stop lying! You have the entire police force here looking for a dead woman, etc., etc., etc.! This is the third time I’ve had to deal with you this past year alone, and this town has been putting up with your s*** since you were ten!”

As it turned out, when the story unfolded, the girl had been talking on romance chat rooms and dating sites posing as a dying cancer patient, using fake photos of a seriously ill and emaciated cancer victim, and getting lonely and gullible guys to shower her with gifts and money.

One of the guys fell so much in love with her that he insisted on coming to visit her even though he lived several states away. Figuring that the jig would have been up with this particular mark, she then pretended to have a medical emergency on the phone with him and, according to him, began gasping and wheezing and became unresponsive.

What she didn’t count on was him dialing 911 in his state, giving the dispatch my address, and that dispatch quickly connecting to the dispatch in my area to alert them. After the police broke my door in, since no one was answering, they found the idiot hiding in a closet.

The girl turned out to be only seventeen years old; she’d left home and gotten a fast food job, and her parents simply never reported her missing.

I ended up giving her a three-day notice.

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The Name’s The Thing

, , , , , | Learning | September 12, 2021

I was seven months into my first year in University and had to stay at the student dorm with around 500 other first-year students. My uncle kept pestering me whether I had met his friend’s daughter. I kept telling him that it was like looking for hay in a haystack. One day, his wife called when I was at the canteen with a friend and their roommate.

Friend: “Why did you sound annoyed at the end?”

Me: “My aunt and uncle are asking me the darndest thing.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “They keep asking whether I have met their friend’s daughter. They don’t even know her name — the most important clue I need!”

Friend’s Roommate: “My dad, too! You might as well be looking for me and I’m looking for you.”

Me: “Might as well. What’s your dad’s name?”

Friend’s Roommate: “[Uncle’s Friend].”

Me: “That’s the same na—” *eyes going wide* “Wait! No!”

My friend’s roommate’s eyes went as wide as mine.

Friend’s Roommate: “You’re kidding?!”

Me: “Does he have a friend named [Uncle]?”

Friend’s Roommate: “Yes!”

Me: “With a son that looks like [Famous Chinese Actor]?”

Friend’s Roommate: “YES!”

Yep. She was my uncle’s friend’s daughter, and we had known each other for seven months at that time. We had just never mentioned my uncle’s or her dad’s names, and they kept forgetting our names.

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Washing Up And Washing Her Right Out Of Your Hair

, , , , , | Friendly | August 24, 2021

I’ve been working abroad for a year and don’t have anywhere to live while I’m in the UK. Luckily — for me, anyway — a friend of mine has recently found herself single and living alone. She offers to let me stay as long as I pay toward the bills and don’t “make too much mess.” I jump at the chance; it will be nice to live with a friend rather than strangers while I’m looking for the next contract.

I have savings, so I’m in no rush to find another job, I have loads of time on my hands, and I end up doing most of the cleaning and cooking for both of us. This is for the best, as my friend has been living off frozen meals and the place hasn’t seen a hoover in months, perhaps much longer.

Eventually, though, I do find a new contract, so I can start earning money again.

Friend: “Oh, I noticed the washing up wasn’t done.”

Me: “Yes, I was at work, remember?”

Friend: “Well, can’t you do it?”

Me: “To be fair, I have worked eleven hours today and it is your mess. All my meals were cooked over the weekend. I washed and cleaned the whole kitchen. It was spotless. And haven’t stepped foot in it since.”

Friend: “If you live here, you have to do your part.”

Me: “I do my part by keeping the communal areas spotless and by paying you rent.”

Friend: “I think you should do more.”

Me: “You know what? I’ll think about it.”

Friend: “Good, because there are lots of people that would love to live here. I am doing you such a favour letting you stay.”

I spent that night searching for other places to live. I found a little place of my own for not much more money and close to the new workplace. I heard from a mutual friend that [Friend] had been telling everyone how terrible all men are, including me, how they all run off as soon as she needs them, and how nobody helps her but she helps everyone. Of course, no one believed her, as apparently, this was what split her last relationship up!

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Dough Nut Touch My Doughnuts!

, , , , , | Friendly | August 6, 2021

I live in a shared house. My housemate buys a four-pack of chocolate doughnuts and puts them in the war zone we call a fridge… and just leaves them there indefinitely.

Obviously, the things eventually expire — still in their box, uneaten — but still, they sit there, untouched. A month elapses, and they are still there, and while they look essentially the same, I take it upon myself to throw them away, as I figure they’ll be spoiled for sure, and no one is going to want six-week-old donuts anymore, anyway.

Well, the joke is on me, apparently, as later that night, the housemate who bought them approaches me.

Housemate: “Why did you throw my donuts away?”

Me: “They’ve been in there for over a month. They’ve expired.”

Housemate: “I don’t care. I want you to put them back.”

So I grab them — FROM THE BIN — and do just that. Good thing I hadn’t taken them out of the box, or indeed taken the bin out!

I have no idea whether or not they were ever eaten, as I stopped using the fridge — and the kitchen altogether — shortly thereafter.

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Your Girlfriend’s Hot But She Needs To Go

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2021

Our roommate has ricocheted from a long-term relationship into a new girlfriend. We all think it’s way too soon, but as much as we think that, and as annoying as we all find her, we are happy for him.

Me: “[Roommate]! Has your girlfriend been eating food from the shared fridge again?”

Roommate: “I’m sorry, man. She gets hungry and I don’t have anything she likes.”

Me: “Get something she does like, then. Order in, or spend time at her place. Don’t let her eat my food; it’s expensive and I have to go across town to get it.”

Roommate: “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her. Just, you know, we have fun hanging around with everyone.”

Me: *Sigh* “Fine, it’s fine. Just have a word before tomorrow. I’m getting my grandad’s chilli peppers and I’m not sharing with anyone.”

He says he will. I don’t know if he will do it or if she is ignoring him. A couple of days later, [Roommate]’s girlfriend shows up again and goes straight to his room. I’m in and out all night, and I arrive to find the two of them in a shouting match. The girlfriend pushes past me to leave the house.

Me: “That looked bad. You had an argument?”

Roommate: “Yeah, I don’t think she’s coming back.”

Me: “I’m sorry. This isn’t about the food, is it? I’m sorry if it is, but it had to be said.”

Roommate: “Oh, no. She was angry about that. But when I said it was you, I guess she sneaked into the kitchen to eat some of your food.”

Me: “No, not my chillis.”

Roommate: “Yeah, she took a big mouthful and started crying about how hot they were. She said you poisoned her on purpose and I had to make you apologise.”

Me: “Mate, she wasn’t good for you, and she was annoying as h***.”

He moped around for a few weeks, and after a few months, he found a great girl. They moved in together a while later. They come round every so often and she even brings her own food to share. Definitely an upgrade!

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