Free-Ballin’ It With The Housemates

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 16, 2018

(I live in a shared house set up with three bedrooms on each floor, each floor sharing a communal bathroom. I get on with all my housemates except one, who is generally obnoxious and seems to have very little respect for others. He eats food left in the communal fridge when it is clearly marked, plays music late at night, bangs doors early in the morning, etc. These are fairly low-level things, but rude when living in shared housing. One day after leaving the bathroom I realise I can’t find my razor. Presuming I left it in the bathroom, I ask the other people on my floor to let me know if they come across it. A few days later, I happen to pass the rude housemate on the landing as he is leaving the bathroom. In addition to his own toiletries, he has my razor in his hand.)

Me: “Oh, you found my razor. Great.”

Rude Housemate: “Yeah, it was in the bathroom and I needed some new blades, so I used it.”

Me: *standing there, with a serious beard* “You used it?”

Rude Housemate: “Yeah. You should pick up after yourself; it was left in the bathroom.”

Me: “No problem. I’ll get a new one.”

(It’s slightly evil, but I do wonder how long he shaved his face with the same razor I had shaved my balls with.)

A Sound Softly Creeping

, , , , | Friendly | February 13, 2018

(My roommate and I are watching television when he makes a face and plays with his ear.)

Roommate: “Ugh, tinnitus.”

(A few moments go by.)

Roommate: “And there goes the song. I keep getting this song stuck in my head.”

Me: “Which one?”

Roommate: “I don’t know the lyrics.” *hums a bit*

(I recognize it immediately and begin singing, plugging in new lyrics to fit the situation.)

Me: “Hello, tinnitus, my old friend! Now I can hear you once again.”

Roommate: “Haha, yeah! That’s the song! What’s it called?”

Me: “Seriously? It’s The Sound of Silence.”

(Oh, irony. I love both you and this goofy roommate.)

Take A Shot In The Dark

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2018

(A friend is visiting from out of town and has forgotten to bring her contact lens container. I offer her two shot glasses, which we cover with plastic wrap and put in the medicine cabinet. In the morning, my roommate catches me before my friend awakens.)

Roommate: “What were those shots in the bathroom?”

Me: “They are my friends contacts.”

Roommate: “Oh, I wondered why it tasted awful.”

Me: “Wait, you drank her contact lens?!”

Roommate: “I didn’t know what they were! I didn’t know why you’d have two gross shots.”

Me: “You drank both of them?!”

Roommate: “I was confused!”

(Thankfully, the local eye doctor had my friend’s prescription in stock and my roommate bought her a box, so she could see. It was a little pricey, but we declared it an idiot tax.)

Who Needs A Soap With This Kind Of Drama

, , , , , , , | Related | February 4, 2018

(While attending post-secondary school, I share an apartment with two of my cousins, one of whom attends a different school. My program is only two years, while hers is four, so immediately after I complete my program, I have to travel away for a job. As I’m not totally moving, I keep paying my share of the rent, so I can have a room to come home to when I have days off from the job. I am at the apartment for perhaps ten days over a three-month period, May to July. My aunt, my cousins’ mom, has come to visit for a few days, in July. The apartment is a complete and utter disaster; there is a horrific fruit fly infestation and mold on dishes waiting by the sink. It’s disgusting. I am in town, as well.)

Aunt: “[Cousins #1 & #2]! This is a complete pigsty! How did it get like this? Have you guys not been doing your chores at all?”

Cousin #1: “Well, I’ve been too busy with school. I was so behind on so many assignments! My professor gave me a summer extension.”

Cousin #2: “It wasn’t my turn to do the dishes.”

Aunt: “Well, whose turn was it?”

Cousin #2: “It was [My Name]’s!”

Aunt: “But hasn’t [My Name] been away for work since May?”

Cousin #2: “Well, yes, but—”

Aunt: “So, you haven’t done any dishes since she left?”

Cousin #2: “But it was her turn!”

Aunt: “Were the dishes done before she left?”

Cousin #1: “Yes, because it was my turn before her.”

Aunt: “So, what you’re saying is that you used dishes, cooked, and so on, and left the dirty dishes for [My Name] to clean up, even though she wasn’t actually living here, and kept piling them up, waiting for her to come do them, because it was her turn?”

Cousins: “Yes!”


(It was a huge relief to have them put in their place. They are wonderful girls, but it was absolutely ridiculous that they somehow expected me to be responsible for cleaning up after them when I wasn’t even living in the apartment. One cousin had to do all dishes, while I helped the other scrub out the cupboard to get rid of the fruit flies. Tip: apple cider vinegar will draw them. I now have a major sensitivity to fruit flies, and deep-clean my own house anytime even one shows up.)

They Will-ingly Fell For It

, , , , , | Learning | February 1, 2018

(I share an apartment with two other guys. One of them is pretty sharp and shares my sense of humor; the other has lived a sheltered life and is a bit naive, though he’s very reluctant to admit it. I’m in law school, and decide to have a bit of fun with [Roommate #2], knowing [Roommate #1] will pick up on the joke and play along. “Intestate” may sound like a medical condition, but it just means a person dies without having made a will.)

Me: “Hey, guys. You’ll never believe this. In class today, I learned about a guy who had five kids with his wife, but after he died, they found out he’d been intestate the whole time!”

Roommate #1: *playing along* “Wow, really? And he had five kids?”

Roommate #2: *pretending to understand* “Wow!”

(Five minutes later:)

Roommate #2: “[My Name], what does ‘intestate’ mean?”

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