If Anyone Was Going To End The Human Race, It Was Cats

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 4, 2020

(My roommate is sick. Almost without fail, when he gets sick, I get sick. Unfairly, the reverse isn’t also true. As a result, I’ve become super cautious every time he’s ill in an effort to avoid it myself. He’s currently sitting on the couch with one of our cats cuddled up next to him, doling out pets and receiving many licks in return.)

Me: *fake pouting* “Aw. I wanted Jellybean to come and cuddle with me.”

Roommate: “Oh, he will, once he’s ready to spread my disease.”

Me: “Oh, God. You’ve turned him into a vector.”

Roommate: *now cooing at the cat* “What an eager vector! Are you a willing participant in germ warfare? Yes, you are! Who’s the cutest little bioweapon?”

Me: “STAY AWAY FROM ME!”

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That’s Why Sales Will Always Win

, , , , | Friendly | December 15, 2019

(My university roommate and I are shopping for food. Like many students, we’re on a budget, but it’s not like we can’t afford food; we just have to be careful.)

Roommate: “Oh, hey, bologna is on sale!”

Me: “We both hate bologna. The ham is only $.25 more; let’s get that.”

Roommate: “But it’s on sale!”

Me: “But we both hate it! The last time you bought home bologna because ‘it was on sale’ it ended up going bad because neither of us would eat it! It’ll just get wasted.”

Roommate: “But it’s the cheapest!”

Me: *facepalm*

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First-Hand Advice

, , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2019

(My first roommate out of college is a coworker who is a heavy smoker. One Sunday morning, I awaken with a cold. I stay in bed as long as possible, but I finally venture out to the living room. He is lounging on our couch, waiting for the pro football games to begin, smoking a cigarette.)

Me: *hacking and coughing*

Roommate: *taking a long draw on his cigarette* “Y’know, you really should stop that second-hand smoking.”

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Self-Appropriation

, , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2019

(I live in a house, up until recently, with only one other housemate, [Housemate #1]. Then, a new housemate moves in, and she seems a little stiff and awkward, but we’re never all up in each other’s business so that’s fine. Then, this happens.)

Housemate #1: *comes out of her room wearing a tartan skirt as part of her outfit* “Hey, I’m headed out for the day–“

Housemate #2: “What is that?!

Housemate #1: “Huh? Oh, my skirt! It’s a Scottish kilt.”

Housemate #2: “I know, and I think it’s horrible! Don’t you know you shouldn’t wear clothing from other cultures?!”

(We’re both stunned for a minute as she rants on about cultural appropriation. Then, [Housemate #1] steps forward into her space and speaks loudly over her.)

Housemate #1: “Hi! Somehow you seem to have missed my surname when we were being introduced. I’m [First Name] [Extremely Well-Known Scottish Surname]. I grew up here so I don’t have much of an accent, but I’m still f****** Scottish, and I can wear a f****** kilt if I want to!”

([Housemate #2] gaped for a moment, and then scurried off in a red-faced fluster. We’ll see if she lasts.)

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Shocking Predictability

, , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2019

(While living in the dorms, this one guy shows up to my room with an electric stun gun he bought. My roommate immediately begins playing with it, zapping every inanimate object in the room. Five minutes later:)

Roommate: “Yeeeeaaargh!”

Me: “Okay, who saw that coming?”

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