First-Hand Advice

, , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2019

(My first roommate out of college is a coworker who is a heavy smoker. One Sunday morning, I awaken with a cold. I stay in bed as long as possible, but I finally venture out to the living room. He is lounging on our couch, waiting for the pro football games to begin, smoking a cigarette.)

Me: *hacking and coughing*

Roommate: *taking a long draw on his cigarette* “Y’know, you really should stop that second-hand smoking.”

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, , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2019

(I live in a house, up until recently, with only one other housemate, [Housemate #1]. Then, a new housemate moves in, and she seems a little stiff and awkward, but we’re never all up in each other’s business so that’s fine. Then, this happens.)

Housemate #1: *comes out of her room wearing a tartan skirt as part of her outfit* “Hey, I’m headed out for the day–“

Housemate #2: “What is that?!

Housemate #1: “Huh? Oh, my skirt! It’s a Scottish kilt.”

Housemate #2: “I know, and I think it’s horrible! Don’t you know you shouldn’t wear clothing from other cultures?!”

(We’re both stunned for a minute as she rants on about cultural appropriation. Then, [Housemate #1] steps forward into her space and speaks loudly over her.)

Housemate #1: “Hi! Somehow you seem to have missed my surname when we were being introduced. I’m [First Name] [Extremely Well-Known Scottish Surname]. I grew up here so I don’t have much of an accent, but I’m still f****** Scottish, and I can wear a f****** kilt if I want to!”

([Housemate #2] gaped for a moment, and then scurried off in a red-faced fluster. We’ll see if she lasts.)

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Shocking Predictability

, , , , | Friendly | September 22, 2019

(While living in the dorms, this one guy shows up to my room with an electric stun gun he bought. My roommate immediately begins playing with it, zapping every inanimate object in the room. Five minutes later:)

Roommate: “Yeeeeaaargh!”

Me: “Okay, who saw that coming?”

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This Should Ruffle A Few Feathers

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 16, 2019

(I’m cleaning up after a cat incident, letting out harsh, barking coughs every few seconds. After a few minutes of this, my housemate sticks her head out her door in concern.)

Housemate: “You okay? What happened?”

Me: “[Cat] caught a bird. It wasn’t hurt, so I let it go outside, but it lost a lot of feathers.”

Housemate: “Aren’t you allergic to feathers?”


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She’ll Have Cold Dead Eyes In The Morning

, , , , | Friendly | August 30, 2019

My roommate has started sleepwalking at night when she gets stressed. We started calling the sleeping persona Sleeping Roommate, and Sleeping Roommate is not very polite. She has entered other rooms to stare at us while we sleep, and slapped herself awake more than once. 

One night while I’m in the living room/kitchen area studying, Sleeping Roommate enters the kitchen, looks me in the eye, and puts her glasses in the refrigerator. Then she says, “This is really gonna piss me off in the morning.” 

Surprise: it does.

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