Roommate And Chemicals Don’t Mix

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(I have been attending college and just moved into my first apartment. I am a slightly older student, and so I asked for an older roommate. I am there for one month, and my roommate proceeds to give me the cold shoulder the entire time. Finally, after three and a half weeks, he starts to warm up to me. One Thursday night, I invite my friends over to hang out. My roommate decides to join us, and they begin playing a drinking game. I do not drink, so I am drinking water. Everyone gets drunk pretty quickly.)

Friend #1: “I’m hungry. Do you have any snacks? Anything sweet?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s some ice cream in the fridge; help yourself!”

Friend #2: “I want some ice cream!”

Roommate: “You can’t have any ice cream; you’ll throw up. Don’t make me take care of you tonight.”

Friend #2: “I’ll be fine!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, she didn’t drink that much.”

Roommate: “Whatever, man…”

Me: *to my friend* “Hey, I might have something for your stomach…”

(As I try and ask if [Antacid] or [Motion Sickness Medicine] would work, my roommate loses his cool. He stands up in his seat and begins screaming at me at the top of his lungs from across the table.)

Roommate:What?! What are you talking about!? Chemicals?! She needs water!

(He jabs his finger in my face to emphasize his point. I am staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. I really don’t handle people screaming at me very well, especially drunk people, and tend to panic or cry.)

Friend #1 & #2: “Woah, you need to calm down.”

Roommate: “NO! SHE’S OFFERING YOU CHEMICALS! What was it you said!?” *I hadn’t named anything yet.* “SHE NEEDS TO DRINK WATER! YOU GOT THAT!? WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU!?”

(He storms off to his room, still screaming at the top of his lungs. As my friends try to talk him down, I shakily stand up and head off to my room. However, doing this seems to irritate my roommate more, and he becomes much louder.)

Friend #2: “You need to stop!”

Roommate: “NO! IF SHE WANTS TO BE IMMATURE, LET HER! I’M THE ONE BEING AN ADULT HERE!”

Me: *turns to look at my roommate* “Can I say something? I’m not leaving because you were wrong. I’m sorry; I wasn’t thinking.” *at this point I really just want him to stop screaming* “I left because you’re screaming at me and it’s very rude.”

Roommate: “YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT RUDE!? I KNOW YOU WENT IN MY ROOM!”

Me: “What? I’ve never been in your room.”

Roommate: “WHY IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?! IF YOU DIDN’T DO IT, WHY THE F*** IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?!”

Me: “I—”

Roommate: “WHY IS YOUR VOICE SHAKING?!”

Me: “B-because my heart is pounding? You’re screaming at me.”

Roommate: “I’M TRYING TO BE AN ADULT HERE. THIS IS TOO IMMATURE FOR ME. ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR!? I DON’T DEAL WITH LIARS!”

(Then he stormed out of the apartment, stomping so loudly that the floor to our third-floor apartment shook. After this, I was scared of this man and proceeded to go home. I spent the next week quickly moving my stuff out of the apartment and commuting to school, which took two whole hours, one way. I came to find out that he submitted a complaint to the front office within the first day of me living there. It made things very ironic and incredibly creepy when I returned to the apartment at the end of the week and found that not only had he stolen some of my personal belongings from the common area, he had also dug through my personal trash for things to keep. I will be filing a police report tomorrow morning. Guilty conscious much?)

Potentially Explosive Neglect

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2017

(I am speaking with my roommate who works at an art store, and used to work at [Popular Retail Chain], which shares a wall with the art store.)

Roommate: “So, we just evacuated [Art Store] because we smelled a gas leak.”

Me: “Did anyone tell [Popular Retail Chain]?”

Roommate: *long pause* “No.”

Phrasing That Just Pops

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(My roommates and I are hanging out. One goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. There is a small crash.)

Roomie #1: “Who left an open soda on top of the fridge door?!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Roomie #2: “It wasn’t me.”

Roomie #3: “It was probably [Roomie #4].”

Roomie #1: “It better not have been [Roomie #4]!”

Me: “I’m sure it’s not intentional. Somebody probably just got distracted.”

Roomie #1: “Yeah, well, they just got distracted ALL OVER MY PANTS!”

Roomies #2-#4: *burst out laughing*

Me: “Phrasing!”

Roomie #1: “Now I’m all sticky!”

Roomie #2: *literally falls off of the sofa*

They’re Not A Tight Family

, , , | Related | September 19, 2017

(My husband is doing our shared flat’s laundry when he finds a pair of black tights.)

Husband: “Honey, are these yours or your sister’s?”

Me: “They don’t look familiar. Sis, are they yours?”

Sister: “Nope. [Female Roommate], are these yours?”

Sister’s Roommate: “No, definitely not mine.”

Me:“If they don’t belong to any of us girls, how did they get in there?”

(Then my brother, who was in dance school, walked past and grabbed them out of my hands without saying a word.)