The Dining Hall Didn’t Ace Apple Pie Baking

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 8, 2020

I’m going to a moderately famous school, miles away from my hometown. My first couple of weeks are rough, as I don’t know anyone, but my roommate ends up inviting me to have lunch with a couple of her friends in one of the eating halls.

[Friend #1] is eating a fairly bland apple pie that was being offered pretty cheap. She makes an extremely exaggerated moan as she does so.

Friend #1: “Oh! It’s better than sex!”

Friend #2: “You’re ace. Scratching your armpit is better than sex for you.”

[Friend #1] just took an exaggeratedly big bite of the pie in response. They are now some of my best friends, and this is a prime example of the kind of relationship we all have.

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An Interesting Thing To Wear On Your Head

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 5, 2020

My roommate has spent the week learning a new version of a favorite game. Her brother has also been playing. I’m watching her because there’s nothing better to do during quarantine and because I’ve been thinking about getting the system and game for myself. She’s just been given a present and opened it. I am, admittedly, not paying full attention.

Roommate: “I got a pile of fat!”

Me: “What?”

Roommate: *Opening her inventory* “A pilot’s hat! Oh, cap. Whatever. I’m going to send it to [Brother]!”

Me: “Yes! It’ll match his goggles. But I legitimately heard ‘pile of fat’ and I was so confused!”

I have no idea how I heard “pile of fat,” but I definitely did and it made absolutely no sense. I hope her brother likes the hat!

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Plumb The Depths Of Your Wallet And Pay Up

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 27, 2020

After college, I moved in with a friend from high school, renting a room in her house. The house’s washer had been malfunctioning — and by that, I mean shooting water back out the pipes — and I offered to meet with a plumber after work so we could get it fixed.  

The plumbers were two super nice gentlemen who figured out there were roots growing all throughout the plumbing and would need to be removed. One temporary option was $500; the more permanent option was $1,000.

My friend had left me a blank check for this but I wanted to check in with her first. Upon calling and telling her the situation, she immediately started freaking out over the cost but said to go ahead with the $1,000 option. 

Ten minutes after the process had started, she called back telling me to stop them from doing anything because these men were con artists and lying to us. I insisted that I had seen the roots myself on their camera and that the men had already started. 

These two men could hear her screaming and crying in my ear about how these men were lying and I was too stupid to know that. She wanted me to make them pull a piece of root out from the pipes to prove they weren’t lying. The process these men were using was to shoot a high-pressure hose down the pipes to break them up, meaning no “proof” for her.

She eventually just left work and came home and “thanked” them in a sarcastically cheerful manner and, thankfully, paid up. I informed her that, in the future, if she wanted something fixed in the house, she’d better be there herself.

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A Cardboard Box Under The Overpass Is Starting To Look Real Nice

, , , , | Friendly | April 23, 2020

I’m at the end of my first year of college, and I’m trying to figure out a living situation for the next year. Student housing is limited, so nearly all sophomores have to live off-campus. I find a friend of a friend, [Roommate #1], who needs another roommate for the coming year, and I agree verbally to move in with her and [Roommate #2] at the end of the summer. 

[Roommate #1] has a very minor disability. There are some reasonable accommodations that need to be made, but she also uses her disability as an excuse to get whatever she wants. The apartment has two bedrooms and two bathrooms, with one of the bathrooms attached to one of the bedrooms. [Roommate #1] tells me and [Roommate #2] that because of her disability, she will need a bedroom and bathroom to herself. She also decides that there’s no need for her to pay a higher portion of the rent, as the disability isn’t her fault. [Roommate #2] and I are first-time renters unfamiliar with how rent is divided, so we both agree to it.

Over the summer, [Roommate #1] and [Roommate #2] have a falling out. I only hear [Roommate #1]’s side, and it makes [Roommate #2] sound like the worst person in the world. [Roommate #2] moves out of the apartment.

Since neither of us can afford to pay half the rent of the apartment, [Roommate #1] and I start looking for another roommate. The search doesn’t go well. A few people I talk to seem willing at first, but as soon as they hear they’ll be living with [Roommate #1], they lose interest. Being young and naive, I don’t take this for the huge red flag it is.

I’ve started hanging out with [Roommate #1] so we can get to know each other before living together. The red flags keep piling up, but I keep ignoring them. One day, [Roommate #1] asks me to come to the apartment; she’s still living there with the roommates who are moving out at the end of the summer. I find her trying to hang a shower curtain across a corner of the living room.

Me: “Hey, [Roommate #1]. What are you doing?”

Roommate #1: “I’m trying to see if it’ll work. There’s something I want to talk to you about. I crunched the numbers, and it looks like I can’t afford a third of the rent. So, I was thinking we could look for two more roommates instead of one, to live in the second room together. Maybe people will be more interested that way, and it’ll be cheaper rent for all of us.”

Me: “Um, okay. I guess that works. But I thought you needed a room to yourself?”

Roommate #1: “Oh, yeah, of course. I’ll still be in the master bedroom by myself.”

Me: “Then… where am I supposed to sleep?”

[Roommate #1] gestures toward the shower curtain.

Me: “Hold on. You want me to sleep in a corner of the living room behind a shower curtain… to lower your rent?”

Roommate #1: “It’ll lower your rent, too!”

Me: “I’m not the one who needs that. If you want lower rent, then you sleep behind the shower curtain!”

[Roommate #1] launches into a long tirade about her disability. I have a family member with the same condition, so I know that a lot of what she’s saying is BS. There’s no medical reason why she can’t share a room; she just doesn’t want to.

Eventually, she mentions something about “the ad.”

Me: “Wait, what ad?”

Roommate #1: “Oh, since we weren’t having much luck on campus, I put out a [Website] ad. I’ve already got a few responses!”

I suddenly picture myself spending a year living with [Roommate #1] and two complete strangers while sleeping behind a shower curtain in a space barely big enough for a single bed, yet still paying the same rent as someone with a private room and bathroom. I finally reach a breaking point.

Me: “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working. I’ll find somewhere else for next year.”

Roommate #1: “No, you can’t! You agreed, so you’re legally required to pay rent for the whole year!”

Me: “No, I’m not. I never signed a lease.”

Roommate #1: “A verbal agreement is a contract!”

I left rather than get into an argument with her and quickly looked into whether I was on the hook for rent. I was not. And as luck would have it, I had an email in my inbox saying that my spot had come up on the student housing waiting list. I immediately accepted the offer.

But that was not the end. [Roommate #1] kept hounding me. She called and texted so often that I had to block her number, showed up at my current residence at all hours to yell and pound on the door, and even came to my place of work. Her harassment got so bad that I wouldn’t want to live with her even without the shower curtain and [Website] roommates.

At one point, while trying to get her to leave me alone, I claimed that my mother — who’d be paying a portion of my rent — forbade me from living with strangers off of the Internet. So, of course, [Roommate #1] found her contact information and started harassing her, as well. This only ended when I contacted the Dean.

Shortly after that, I received my student housing room assignment, along with the name of my roommate. By complete chance, it was [Roommate #2]. When we met to talk about what had happened, we found that [Roommate #1] had been bad-mouthing each of us to the other behind our backs. It turned out that we got along great, and we lived together for the next three years with no problems.

We never found out what [Roommate #1] did about her living situation, as she had been told to leave us alone or risk expulsion.

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Not Feeling In-Sink With This Girl

, , , , , | Friendly | March 2, 2020

(In college, I share an apartment with a roommate who is dating a certain girl. One day, when I finish up in the bathroom and flush the toilet, I open the door to find her standing there, staring at the door.)

Girl: “Did you wash your hands? I didn’t hear you wash your hands.”

Me: “No… because the sink is out here.”

(I turned to look at the sink that she was standing right next to, which is outside of the toilet in our particular apartment layout. I then moved over to wash my hands, while she glared at me a bit and then turned around with a huff to storm off and complain to her boyfriend about me “mocking” her. I wasn’t then, but I certainly am now. That was just one example of her brand of crazy, and I was very glad when my roommate wised up and dumped her.)

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