You Still Wood Not Understand

, , , , , | Related | August 3, 2020

I’m the author of this story, among other submitted shenanigans between my father and me, just to give some context to our relationship. I’ve recently purchased a house; my father and I are in the great room working on remodeling while my roommate is in the back bedroom painting.

Dad and I are passionately discussing various topics and, since we are not in public, the volume controls are off. We’re not yelling at each other, but we are definitely yelling to each other, despite standing side-by-side. I hear my roommate enter and, when he doesn’t move or speak for a few moments, turn to address him.

Me: “Hey, what’s up? Need help?”

Roommate: “No. It sounded like you two were fighting, so I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I can’t tell whether you guys are ever actually angry at each other or not.”

Me: “Nope! No fighting! I appreciate your concern, though.”

Roommate: “Well, that’s good.”

Matter resolved, I turn back to what I was doing, and my dad and I immediately pick back up as if there had been no pause. However, I realize after a minute that my roommate is still standing there, so I turn again.

Me: “Everything okay? We can quiet down a bit if we’re being too distracting?”

Roommate: “Oh, no! Now that I know you’re not arguing, I was just enjoying the entertainment. I’ll get back to it, then!”

Dad: *Laughing* “We’re way cheaper than television!”

You Wood Not Understand

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Not Open To Being A Good Roommate

, , , , , | Friendly | August 2, 2020

I moved in with a high school friend after college and rented a room. I was soon informed that “renting a room” meant that anything I wanted to have out in the main living areas — living room, kitchen, shared bathroom — basically had to be okayed by her and if not, there would be issues. The rule was not something we both had to follow and it included books, kitchen utensils, etc.

One day, when I got home from work, my friend excitedly informed me that she had locked herself out of the house earlier in the day and had figured out how to boost herself up to the kitchen window and easily pop out the screen and get inside. She somehow didn’t see this as a major red flag.  

After that, I tried to insist that the windows should be closed and locked at night when we went to bed since we weren’t in the best neighborhood. We even had those things on the window that would only allow them to be opened to about two inches and I was cool with that. Nope, she wanted a cross breeze at night, so that particular window had to be open. When I tried to convince her that it was a bad idea, she informed me that it was her house so she overrode me. 

I made sure my bedroom door was always locked after that.

When winter came and the sidewalks had to be shoveled on a near-daily basis she threw a fit and complained that I would never help her with upkeep of the house. I reminded her it was her house and I just rented a room. I moved out shortly after and we no longer speak.

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Awesome Siblings, Less Awesome Roomies

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2020

My younger sister moves into her first apartment. I moved out of state a couple of years ago and mainly keep in contact with her through Facebook.

Sister: “Getting this apartment has cost a lot more then we estimated and our roommate hasn’t paid for anything.”

Me: “How short on money are you?”

Sister: “We paid everything for the apartment, rent and security deposit, but we don’t have any grocery money and I don’t get paid for a week.”

Me: “Well, why don’t you send me your new address so I can visit when I come down?”

That day, I arranged grocery delivery for the next day. I sent her enough groceries for at least two weeks. It was a nice little surprise when she got off work.

The roommate never did pay rent. She was also the younger sister of my sister’s husband, so that didn’t go over very well.

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The Dining Hall Didn’t Ace Apple Pie Baking

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 8, 2020

I’m going to a moderately famous school, miles away from my hometown. My first couple of weeks are rough, as I don’t know anyone, but my roommate ends up inviting me to have lunch with a couple of her friends in one of the eating halls.

[Friend #1] is eating a fairly bland apple pie that was being offered pretty cheap. She makes an extremely exaggerated moan as she does so.

Friend #1: “Oh! It’s better than sex!”

Friend #2: “You’re ace. Scratching your armpit is better than sex for you.”

[Friend #1] just took an exaggeratedly big bite of the pie in response. They are now some of my best friends, and this is a prime example of the kind of relationship we all have.

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An Interesting Thing To Wear On Your Head

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 5, 2020

My roommate has spent the week learning a new version of a favorite game. Her brother has also been playing. I’m watching her because there’s nothing better to do during quarantine and because I’ve been thinking about getting the system and game for myself. She’s just been given a present and opened it. I am, admittedly, not paying full attention.

Roommate: “I got a pile of fat!”

Me: “What?”

Roommate: *Opening her inventory* “A pilot’s hat! Oh, cap. Whatever. I’m going to send it to [Brother]!”

Me: “Yes! It’ll match his goggles. But I legitimately heard ‘pile of fat’ and I was so confused!”

I have no idea how I heard “pile of fat,” but I definitely did and it made absolutely no sense. I hope her brother likes the hat!

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