His Argument Doesn’t Have A Broken Leg To Stand On

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(My friend used to work as a guard on trains before the UK’s railways were privatised. This story takes place at King’s Cross Station. Because the doors on old “slam-door” trains could be opened while the train was still moving, a passenger is getting off the train while it is still moving, and he inevitably trips and falls flat on his face.)

Passenger: “Ow! My f****** leg!”

Friend: “Are you all right, sir? You had a nasty fall there.”

Passenger: “Get away! Now I’ll be late for my dinner!”

Friend: “I’m sorry, sir, but you shouldn’t step onto the platform until the train has completely stopped. Now, would you like some help?”

Passenger: “NO! Go do your job and make some more people late, why don’t you? That’s all you and your f****** Thatcher-cronies do all day!”

Friend: “Calm down, sir. I’ll get some help.”

Passenger: “No, you f****** idiot, just go away!”

Friend: “I can’t just leave you here on the platform.”

Passenger: “Oh, Jesus, let me be.”

Other Passenger: “It’s your own bloody fault you broke your leg; you’re making all of us late now! Let the guard get back in the train so we can get to where we want to go!”

(The troublesome passenger limped to the nearest bench on the platform and sat down. My friend thanked the other passenger for sticking up for him soon after.)

Planning For A Wedding Can Be A Tram-Wreck

, , , , | Romantic | May 29, 2018

(My girlfriend and I decide to get married. Since we want to avoid unpleasant surprises, we want to have a prenuptial agreement — which in the Netherlands also covers property agreements during your marriage — and testaments, for which we have to visit a solicitor in a different town. We don’t have a car, so for the first meeting, I leave work early and take the train back to our hometown, where I meet my fiancée at the station and we take a bus to the other town. There, we are supposed to take a tram.)

Fiancée: “We must take tram three in the direction of The Hague, at platform two.”

(Unfortunately, we don’t see any signs with the platform numbers. I do, however, see a sign saying that on the nearest platform, tram three will come in. The direction is also right, so we wait for the tram and when it arrives, we get in. But after a few stops, I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait… Are we going the right way? The names of the stops don’t end up.”

Fiancée: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Look, we are going out of [Town]. I think we’re going the wrong way!”

Passenger: “Where do you need to go?”

Fiancée: “[Town]’s station.”

Passenger: “This tram is going to The Hague.”

Fiancée: “Oh, dear, that’s all wrong!”

(We get out at the first stop. It turns out that tram three makes two stops at the station, since it makes a circle through the town before leaving for The Hague. But since we couldn’t tell the platforms from each other, we took the wrong one. We take the first tram back. Another passenger tries to help out.)

Passenger #2: “If you get out at the next stop, you can go to the platforms on the higher level and take tram five. That’s quicker.”

(This turns out to make matters worse for us, since we have to hurry and don’t know which platform upstairs is the right one. In the end, we miss this tram and have to wait for ten minutes, while it’s cold and rainy. My fiancée feels terrible from all the stress and is nearly crying. Finally, we get the right tram and manage to get to the solicitor’s office. We have notified them that we would be a bit late, and they do not mind. Finally, we take the bus back to our hometown.)

Me: “You know what the most given ticket in [Solicitor’s Town] is?”

Fiancée: “No?”

Me: “Excessive speed. Everyone wants to get out.”

(Months later, we have to go visit the solicitor again to sign our prenuptial agreement and testaments. Over the last months, we have left our small apartment and moved to a bigger house in a different village. Obviously we are delighted that we can get to the solicitor all by train now. No more trams! Instead, we take a train to a nearby town, and then we can board a regional train, which goes in the direction of The Hague and makes a stop at the station in [Solicitor’s Town]. When in the latter train, once again I notice something is off.)

Me: “Wait, I don’t see any stops on the screen. Is this the right train? I already thought it left a bit early.”

Fiancée: “You mean…”

Me: “I think we accidentally boarded the InterCity. This train won’t stop at [Town], only at The Hague!”

(After arriving in The Hague, we have to make a run to catch a train that will stop at our station. Again, we arrive a bit late at the solicitor’s office, but once again they are nice and polite and everything ends on a happy note. We leave the office and go back to our house.)

Fiancée: “I think [Town] is cursed.”

(At our wedding, I can’t resist making a joke about our trouble when giving a speech about how much I admire all the effort my fiancée — now wife — has done for the wedding:)

Me: “She even ventured out with me, two times, in order to visit the Accursed City! The Town That Does Not Live! Where ugly, tall buildings rise up around you and close you in. Where zombie-like troglodytes stumble around in the streets, mindless, joyless. I am, of course, talking about… [Solicitor’s Town]!’

(It was the best laugh we got during the speech.)

Squashing Out The Last Piece Of Joy In Your Job

, , , , , , | Right | April 26, 2018

(I’m waiting for my train to take me home, and just happen to hear this exchange between a platform supervisor and another customer.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Supervisor: “Yes, sir, how may I help?”

Customer: “I just wanted to make a suggestion that your tannoy announcement not be so cheerful, as that’s not what someone who is having a bad day wants to hear.”

(He then continued to rant about how his life was terrible, and he didn’t want the cheeriness of others to bring him down. He left after a while, and I could see that the supervisor looked visibly upset. I bought the supervisor a coffee from one of the shops inside the station, as I thought she handled the situation rather well.)

The Train Tracks Are Long And Bend Towards Justice

, , , , , | Hopeless | April 19, 2018

(The ticket machine at Winchfield train station is super crappy, and constantly has issues accepting cash payment. There are also no buildings anywhere near the train station. I am heading into Basingstoke for a Christmas work do at about nine pm. It is wet and icy, so it’s horrible. There’s a young girl, probably about 11 or 12, at the ticket machine. She has her cash in hand, so I know it won’t be a long wait, and I start fishing for my card.)

Girl: “Erm… Y-you can go ahead of me.”

(I look up, and she’s stepped to the side and pulled out her phone.)

Me: “Oh, thanks.”

(I go to the machine and the girl walks a fair bit away. The ticket machine isn’t accepting cash, and it takes a moment for me to click that the girl can’t get her ticket. She hasn’t cleared all her information from the machine, and I see her station is not one where she can get off without a ticket, so I buy hers and mine with my card. I head over to her after.)

Girl: *on the phone* “Please, Mum. It’s really cold and the ticket office is closed. Can you really not be here sooner? There’s nowhere I can wait! Mum, please?” *she starts crying*

Me: *tapping the girl’s shoulder* “Your ticket.”

(She turns round, and I hand the ticket over.)

Girl: *hesitantly taking it* “What?”

Me: “I bought your ticket. Get home safe, okay?”

(I head into the station platforms and start crossing the bridge.)

Girl: “Hey! The money for the ticket!”

(I look round. She’s trying to hand me a tenner, and I have no change on me.)

Me: “It was a few quid; it’s fine.”

Girl: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive. Good deed for the day and all that jazz.”

Must Have Missed That In Train-ing

, , , , , | Working | April 12, 2018

(After a long day of work, a few coworkers and I are waiting for the train. Suddenly, the emergency phone at the station — literally just a box on a pole — rings.)

Coworker: *after a pause* “I’m going to answer it.”

(Answers the phone.)

Coworker: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, sir. I am calling from Microsoft; your computer is in danger.”

Coworker: *huge grin* “You sure about that, mate?”

Caller: “Yes, sir. This is very serious. We need to fix this immediately.”

Coworker: “Mate, this is a train station.”

Caller: “Yes, I can see that here, which means your computer is very important.”

Coworker: “Nah, mate, this is a train platform. There is no computer here, just a phone on a pole.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Coworker: “Yup. How did you even get this number?”

Caller: “Um, never mind.” *hangs up*

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