Not Happy Unless She’s Melon-choly

, , , , | Friendly | September 12, 2018

(I walk into a grocery store. At the front end of the store is a display of watermelons, and I put one in my cart. A while later, I’m in the back of the store when another customer notices.)

Woman: “Oh! I didn’t see watermelons in the produce section.”

Me: “No, they were at front, in a display near the self checkouts.”

Woman: “I’m not sure where you mean.”

Me: “I’m headed that way. I can show you, if you’d like?”

(I lead her there and gesture to the watermelons before turning to go check out. She shoots me a dirty look.)

Woman: “Ahem! You’re welcome!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Woman: “You didn’t say, ‘Thank you’!”

Me: “I helped you. Shouldn’t you be thanking me?”

Woman: “No, because… I… I mean… Young people have no manners!”

(She snatched up a watermelon and stormed off with it.)

A Long(House) Tale

, , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2018

(Because my family is Native American, during the State Fair we spend most of our time in the Indian Village. It’s very common for parents and grandparents to simply stay and rest in the village while children form groups together and go off on their own to enjoy the fair, coming back every so often to check in and rest. My family does so this year, and during one of our stops, sitting with friends and family outside one of the replica longhouses on a bench, we hear these two gems.)

Native Man: *over microphone* “And you guys can check out one of our longhouses here in the village. Longhouses have stopped being used since the late 17th century, though some of us still live in them… only now, they’re made out of metal, and we call them trailers.”

(Cue several people around us laughing hysterically. A while later, a slightly drunk couple approaches the longhouse my group is sitting at.)

Woman: *very excited* “Oh, my God! This is a real life longhouse! People used to live here! Can you believe this?!”

Man: *a lot calmer* “Ah, yes, the very first casino.”

(They walk into the replica, leaving my group to look at each other and burst into giggles.)

They Are Disabling Themselves With Their Ignorance

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2018

(I’m out with a friend and his daughter, who, thanks to complications and sheer medical bad luck, is just now learning to properly speak at the age of seven. Despite this, my friend loves her to the point of giving her anything she wants. We’re shopping, and I’m tagging along to help out, both of us having her read boxes and signs.)

Friend: “All right, [Daughter], what’s that?” *points to a bag of cat food I’m lifting*

Daughter: “Kitty! Kitty!” *jumps up and down*

Friend: “Good! It’s food for the kitty. Kitties have to eat, too.”

Daughter: “Kitty!”

Me: *to a passing woman* “Hello.”

Woman: “Why is it out here?”

Me: “What?” *puts down cat food*

Woman: “The [disabled slur]! It needs to be put up!”

(My friend’s head snaps up so quickly and I see a certain hate in his eyes that scares me.)

Friend: “Listen here—”

Woman: “Why don’t you let your poor wife deal with it? Lord knows she’s probably brain dead if she wanted to keep it.”

(I grab my friend’s daughter and immediately take her with me as I get a manager in hope they can diffuse the situation while keeping [Daughter] away from it. I return with the manager to find that the woman is near tears and my friend is red in the face from anger.)

Me: “Uh… Should I take [Daughter] away again?”

Friend: “No. We’re leaving.”

(He walks out quickly and I hesitate before following.)

Daughter: “Dada! Lady sad.”

Friend: “I know.”

Daughter: “Why, Dada?”

Friend: “I got onto her like [My Name] does when his sister is being mean. The lady was very mean and said some bad stuff. So I got onto her.”

Me: “What did you say to her?”

Friend: “Don’t worry about it. She won’t be insulting innocent children anymore, though.”

(I was both terrified and respectful of my friend after that. The look in his eyes when the woman called [Daughter] a hurtful slur for a disabled person was enough to make me know that [Friend] is not to be messed with.)

Well, That’s News To Me!

, , , | Friendly | September 10, 2018

(I do tech support for an international company. I am working when suddenly my private phone starts ringing.)

Me: “Hello? This is [My Name].”

Friend: “Hi, [My Name], this is [Friend]. I am having a problem with my computer.”

Me: “Okay. What is the problem?”

Friend: “I just created a movie file with a movie maker program, and now I am unable to find it.”

Me: “Okay, I will take a look at it.”

(I remotely connect to her computer and start checking the default directories of the movie maker program and the default locations of the movie library. I find nothing.)

Me: “Do you know what the file was named?”

Friend: “‘The Journal.’”

(I start to search via search functions into the directory; nothing comes up.)

Me: “I am sorry, but I am unable to find it.”

(I can hear her voice shaking.)

Friend: “No! It is not possible. I’ve been working on it for almost on hour. And now it is gone? I am going to have to remake it, then.”

(Since this is an easy task for me to do, I think I can make it faster than she can. I ask about where the original files were located.)

Me: “Could you take me through the steps of how you created the file? Starting with the location of the original files.”

(She goes to the directory where the files are located. Once there:)

Friend: “Oh! There is my file!”

Me: “I thought the file was named, ‘The Journal,’ not, ‘The News’?”

Friend: “It is almost the same. Thank you for the assistance!”

My Body Is My Temple

, , , , | Friendly | September 9, 2018

(I’m doing a year abroad in Spain for my degree. While waiting for the light to change so I can cross the road, an old man comes up to me. I try to ignore him but realise I have no way to escape, so while I’m super nervous, I answer his questions as minimally as possible.)

Old Man: “¿Eres alemana?” *Are you German?*

What I Mean To Say: “No, soy inglesa.” *No, I’m English.*

What I Accidentally Say Instead: “No, soy iglesia.” *No, I’m a church.*

(Well, at least he left me alone.)

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