Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Rekindle Friendship

, , , | Friendly | August 7, 2017

(I’m chatting with my best mate and his girlfriend. His girlfriend notes that she hasn’t seen me for a while and we’re working out what happened over the past few months to stop us from meeting up. Note that my girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks previously.)

Me: “I think we were gonna do the couples board games night, but…”

Mate: “I was busy for, like, the whole month. I thought you’d think we were trying to avoid you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. And then I got busy.”

Mate: “And we went on holiday.”

Me: “And then [Ex-Girlfriend] and I started having problems and I thought, probably best not to throw the board games night into the mix in case it got awkward.”

Mate: “What? You mean you didn’t think, ‘I know what will fix my dying relationship – a nice game of Monopoly’? I mean, nobody’s ever argued over that.”

Me: “Yeah, shocking, that. What was I thinking…”

The % Men

, , , | Friendly | August 6, 2017

(I just got a test back and my teacher doesn’t write down percentages, so I calculate the percentage in my head. My friend, who is sitting next to me asks me to do the same for her.)

Friend: “How do you do that, especially so quickly?”

Me: “Oh, that’s an easy one! You know how everybody has a secret superpower they have to discover themselves?”

Friend: “What? No. Whatever. Continue with the story.”

Me: “Okay, so, my superpower is that whenever I go shopping there is a sale, but the weird thing is these sales are always very specific number like 53% or 29%. I always go to the mall with one friend, who always asks me for an item’s sale price because she is too lazy to get her phone out. So, after years of her asking and me calculating I’ve become really good at it!”

Friend: “Wow, with your algebra class and acceptance to that prestigious engineering program, I thought you were gonna say that your superpower is mental math.”

Me: “The power of shopping!”

(I later let my mom know that shopping is educational for me.)

Evil To The Twin

, , | Friendly | August 5, 2017

(I’m hanging out with some friends, two of which are really close with each other. One of them has just said that the other is her twin.)

Me: “I see that. One of you got the looks and the other got the brains.”

(They were still dwelling on it an hour later.)

Attending To Her Misdeeds

, , , , | Friendly | August 4, 2017

(I am filling my car up at a local petrol station. This station is completely self service, and uses the card payments only. I see another car pull up. It’s quite an expensive make and model. A woman gets out and stares at the machine for the entire time I fill up. She then turns and walks over to me.)

Woman: “Are you the attendant?”

Me: “No, just a customer.”

Woman: “Fill my car. I also need it washed and valeted.”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “EXCUSE ME!?”

Me: “I said no. I don’t work here.”

Woman: “I don’t care. There is always an attendant present, and since you’re present, then it is your duty to fulfil that responsibility.”

Me: “The answer is still no.”

(She pouts at and turns for a moment. When she turns back she has readjusted her top to show considerably more cleavage.)

Woman: “Won’t you reconsider? I’ll let you play with these.”

Me: “Not even if I was straight.”

(I took my receipt and got in my car. I heard her scream homophobic slurs before stomping back to the machine. I drove away and saw her start kicking the entire pump. I went back a week later, and it was out of order, with the card reader and display heavily vandalised.)

Lick Your Wounds And Move On

, , , , , | Friendly | August 3, 2017

(My dad always teased my grandmother just as she put a spoonful of dessert into her mouth.)

Dad: “Haha, that’s the dog food spoon.”

(Every time it would freak my grandmother out until my mother would reassure her that they always kept the spoon they used for the dog separate from the rest of the cutlery and that the dog never went near the spoon. My grandmother had started going to the Senior Citizen’s club and was making friends until the Club’s president invites her home for dinner one evening. She came home swearing that she’ll never go there again or to the club.)

Mum: “What happened?”

Grandmother: “Well, it was a lovely dinner and afterwards I thought I’d help and asked if there was a bin to scrape the plates into. [Club President] told me not to worry as they give the scraps to their dog. She put the plates on the floor and let the dog lick all of them clean. Then she washed them in lukewarm water. I thought I was going to be sick. ”

(She never went back to the club as she could not face the president again.)

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