Only Say “Looking Good!” If You’re Good Looking

, , , , | Friendly | July 12, 2018

(I am having a conversation amongst my old high school classmates.)

Female Classmate #1: “Ugh. Some man just gave me a compliment! What a creep!”

Male Classmate: “Wait, so, as a man, if I see a woman and feel like giving her a compliment, I shouldn’t?”

Female Classmate #2: “Exactly. That’s SOOOO creepy!”

Male Classmate: “There’s no situation where it’d be okay?”

Female Classmate #1: “Well, if you were a stranger I liked back, then it’d be okay. But otherwise, no.”

(The conversation went on, along those points… but all I could think was that she essentially told him, “The difference between a man being creepy and being polite is whether or not he’s attractive.” Way to uphold stereotypes, classmates!)

About To Go (Mark Of The) Beast-Mode On Your Neighbor

, , , , , | Friendly | July 12, 2018

(My neighbor and I have a long-seeded history of hate for one another. It started with her giving me snarky remarks about weaning my son from his bottle at ten months old and escalated from there. I am sitting on my other neighbor’s deck, just talking to [Neighbor #1]. The neighbor I do not like, [Neighbor #2], walks up and just butts into the conversation. My husband starts bringing my son over so I call out:)

Me: “Yay, here comes [Son]!”

(His name happens to be the same name as the kid from “The Omen.”)

Neighbor #2: “Oh, lord! Please tell me that’s not your child’s name! Don’t take this the wrong way, but anyone with the name ‘[Son]’ belongs in Hell with all the demons and Satan himself! I knew a ‘[Son]’ once and he was the absolute worst person I have ever met in my life! You’ve condemned your child to a life of Hell! He will rot in Hell with the rest of his kind.”

(I was absolutely the maddest I have ever been, but I somehow worked up the strength to walk away. She told me my two-year-old son belonged in Hell with Satan just because of his name, and I wasn’t supposed to take that the wrong way?)

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Building On The Popularity Of VHS

, , , | Friendly | July 11, 2018

(I am talking to my friend on the Internet about some things, and we eventually get on the topic of VHS tapes. As we are about twenty years old, we grew up with them for a good chunk of our early childhood.)

Friend: “Yeah, I watched VHS tapes all the time as a kid. I loved watching [Movie]; I think I can quote it from memory. Too bad I don’t have it anymore.”

Me: “RIP, VHS tapes, the building blocks of my childhood.”

Friend: “LOL! I know they were great at teaching you things. I know I had one that taught you about trains or something.”

Me: “No, I was legit meaning building blocks.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “My siblings and I are all close in age, and my Mom decided to let us play with VHS tapes as building blocks. We built houses and would outline ourselves with them when we got bored.”

Friend: “So…”

Me: “VHS tapes were literally the building blocks of my childhood.”

It Will Go Pasta It’s Use-By Date

, , , , , | Friendly | July 11, 2018

(It’s my day off, and I’ve made popcorn as an afternoon snack. I don’t eat all of it, and I don’t want to throw half the bag away, so I put it in the largest container I can find: a see-through plastic one. My roommate comes home.)

Roommate: “I thought that was pasta! I was going to ask if it needed to go in the fridge!”

Me: “Haha. No, just popcorn! I didn’t want to throw it out if I might eat the rest in another day or two.”

(The next day.)

Roommate: “Your pasta-popcorn freaked me out again!”

Swear Goes The Neighborhood

, , , | Friendly | July 10, 2018

(I live in the country and don’t have many close neighbours. I do have a neighbour whose house is built almost 500 metres from my house so I can’t see or hear them. However, their driveway goes around the border of my house on the left and back, and is only about 20 metres from my property boundary at times. New neighbours recently moved in, and one day their children are playing on their driveway directly opposite my bedroom window. My bedroom window is open and, as I’m standing near it, I drop and smash a bottle and curse loudly. A few minutes later my doorbell rings.)

Me: “Hi.”

Woman: “Yeah, I’m [Woman] and I’ve just moved in next door.”

Me: “Great to meet you! I’m [My Name]. How are you settling in?”

Woman: “Everything was great until just now. I don’t appreciate you cursing in front of my children?”

Me: “I haven’t been near your children.”

Woman: “My children are playing in the garden, and they heard you curse just now. I do not allow anyone to curse in front of my children, and I am asking you to apologise and not do it again.”

Me: “So, you want to me to apologise for something I did on my private property?”

Woman: “Yes, please.”

Me: “Well, at least you said, ‘please.’ While you’re here: I was trying to nap just now, and your children playing outside kept me awake. I don’t allow anyone to interrupt my naps. Can you please ask your children not to play near my house in future?”

Woman: “No way! You can’t tell my children where to play in their garden.”

Me: “Exactly. Just like you can’t tell me how to speak in my own house. Goodbye.”

(And then I shut the door in her face. We never spoke again.)

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