Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

Some Superheroes You See Outside The Movies

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 12, 2018

(Waiting for my bus in the pouring rain after having a terrible day at work, I see a little boy across the road, dragging his mum down the street, shouting excitedly.)

Little Boy: “Hurry up, Mum! I want to see the superheroes and tell them what I did today.”

Mum: “I’m going as fast as I can. Which one’s your favourite?”

Little Boy: “I love them all. They’re my bestest friends in the ever!”

Mum: “Okay, we’re nearly there, sweetie.”

(The little boy and his mum stopped in front of the war memorial. The little lad was jumping up and down shouting, “Hello!” His mum started reading the names off, and the little boy kept repeating them telling them that he went to school for the first time that day. I cried.)

Maybe If Daddy Did The Shopping More Often…

, , , , | Friendly | March 11, 2018

(My father-in-law and I are in the checkout lane of a grocery store. A woman with a child around three or four is in front of us. The little girl is in the cart handing stuff to her mother. She smiles and says hello to my father-in-law.)

Father-In-Law: “My, but you are a big girl, helping your mommy!”

Girl: “I always help my mommy and daddy!”

(The mother is smiling proudly.)

Father-In-Law: “I bet your daddy thinks you are a big help.”

Girl: “Mommy says Daddy is an a**hole.”

(The mother turned several shades of red and hurried out of the store. That was the last time my father-in-law talked to children in the grocery store checkout lane.)

She’s Not Gonna Truck You

, , , , | Friendly | March 9, 2018

(I am taking my dad’s truck out to get filled up. The gas station is empty except for one truck at a diesel pump. There’s one other pump I can use, so I circle around to pull in. As I’m doing so, a car comes screeching into the lot, goes the wrong way down a one-way lane, and pulls into the last diesel pump. I’m a little flustered, but I decide to go inside to get some milk while I wait. As I drive by, [Truck Driver] gives me a sympathetic look. I go in, get my milk, and get back in the truck to drive around and wait. That’s when I hear screaming and roll down my window.)

Truck Driver: “You’re the one who broke the law to cut off a young woman! Look at all these open pumps you could have used, and you took the only one she could!”

Car Driver: “Man, I already told you. I’m just tryna get home. You get out my face and I’ll get out the way of Miss Princess B**** over there.”

Truck Driver: *infuriated* “How dare you insult a woman? She has done nothing wrong! If anything, you’re the one acting like the Princess, thinking you’re better than everyone else!”

Car Driver: *also infuriated* “Yeah? What’s that make you? You’re the one holdin’ up the situation. She was being a good girl and turnin’ the other cheek. Now you’re holding her up cuz you wanna act like a hero. You’re the one making this into something it ain’t gotta be.”

(They’ve started moving toward each other at this point, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get involved or I might get hurt, but I don’t want to just leave and let it happen. So, I stay in the truck and yell out:)

Me: “Excuse me, sir! I don’t mind that you took the spot, but if you’re done with it now, I would like to use it so we can all go home.”

(They both look at me for a moment, and then back at their pumps, which have both stopped. They glare at each other the whole time they’re walking back to their pumps. As they finish up, [Car Driver] leaves first and flips off [Truck Driver]. I then pull up to pump my gas.)

Truck Driver: “I’m sorry about him. Unfortunately, this is something that happens a lot when you drive a truck. It’s happened to me quite often, as well, so I lost my head a bit over it. I’m sorry I held you up.”

Me: *just wanting to leave at this point* “It’s all right.”

Truck Driver: “Would you mind if I paid you back?”

Me: “That’s really not necessary.”

Truck Driver: “Come on; let me take you to dinner or something. I like women who can handle a truck.”

Me: *really creeped out* “I’m seventeen, and this is my dad’s truck.”

Truck Driver: *going pale* “Oh, uh… You look… much older. Um… I should just… yeah…. I’m sorry.”

(He then hopped in his truck and took off. My dad won’t let me fill up his truck again.)

He Had It Coming…

, , , | Friendly | March 9, 2018

(I am at a gay gaming meetup in a bar. Our group’s conversation topics vary wildly.)

Me: “You’ve seen Cabaret, right?”

Friend: “I’ve seen the Catherine Zeta-Jones movie!”

Me: “Ugh. I am going to share this online.”

Friend: “I don’t even care that you’re posting that. Getting it wrong makes me seem super masculine!”

Me: “You mistook Cabaret for Chicago…”

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