Stand Up For What’s Right, Even If You Have To Sit Down After

, , , , | Friendly | January 12, 2020

(I’m afraid of confrontation, but I also have a tendency to speak before thinking. One day, I am walking to a mall with my husband. We have to cross a road for cars and a bike lane. A zebra crossing crosses both roads and both biking lanes, so pedestrians should have the right of way. Unfortunately, many forget about that rule, willingly or accidentally. In front of me, a group of three women crosses the zebra. Two kids on a bike, a boy of about 13 years old and a girl of about 11 years old, do not give way, but there is no accident as there is enough space. However, one of the women suddenly stretches her arm and tries to grab the girl off of her bike! The girl wobbles but manages to stop safely. The boy — her big brother, we assume — stops, as well. But before anyone else can react, I yell:)

Me:Hey! Don’t you dare!”

Woman: “I had the right of way!”

Me: “I don’t care! You almost made her fall!”

Woman: “Mind your own business!”

Me: “I won’t mind my own business when I see someone pulling a child off her bike!”

Woman: “I had the right of way!”

Me: “That did not give you the right to cause an accident.”

Woman: “Just shut up, you!”

Me: “Not for someone who almost hurt a child! Right of way or not, you were in the wrong here!”

(The women walk on, while the aggressor keeps mumbling that people should mind their own business. The children also go on, though they look shocked. I can’t ask them if they are all right; they are already gone.)

Husband: “Wow, you were fast!”

Me: “I didn’t know what came over me. I just imagined that child falling in front of me…”

Husband: “I don’t know if I would have had the guts to say anything.”

Me: “Could… could we sit down for a moment? I’m so scared all of a sudden… My legs are weak.”

Husband: “No, not yet. You can’t show weakness to that b****. Just wait until she can’t see you anymore.”

(My husband then treated me to ice cream so I could sit down and calm down. We didn’t see any of those women in the mall again, and two years have passed by now. It’s okay to be upset if you do not get right of way, but that never justifies causing — almost — injury to anyone!)

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Evil Stepmothers Are Not Christian

, , , , , | Friendly | January 10, 2020

(It is February vacation, which is a week-long break for public schools in New England. My brother and his family visit, since they also have February vacation and my brother has work in Boston. My wife, my brother’s new fiancee — he’s a widower — and our combined five children and I go to a local tourist attraction, a farm and wildlife sanctuary that is open to the public. We are near the chicken coop when my brother’s fiancee just starts yelling at some Indian family nearby.)

Brother’s Fiancee: “Don’t talk about God that way!”

Indian Man: “I was not talking about religion.”

Brother’s Fiancee: “I bet you’re not even Christian!”

Indian Man: “No, I’m not. I fail to see how–”

Brother’s Fiancee: You’re condemning your kids to suffer in Hell.”

(At this point, my identical twin nieces are hugging me, scared.)

Indian Man: *calmly* “I will make a deal with you. I assume you are a Christian. I will live according to my Hindu virtues and you to your Christian ones, of which I believe intolerance of the beliefs of others seems to tragically be one such virtue. Then, when we die, we shall see who goes to Heaven and Hell, though the stakes are higher for you than for me, for neither Hell or Heaven are permanent to me. Should I make a mistake and end up in either, I shall be reborn with another chance to attain the divine.”

(My brother’s fiancee was speechless and walked to the car and waited there alone for a few hours while we finished our sightseeing. That evening, my brother called off the engagement. It appears she had been unpopular with her almost-stepdaughters for a while, making fun of the fact that they look the same, wear glasses, and are second graders, and also insinuating that their mother went to Hell because she was Jewish.)

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Sarcasm Is Not His Calling

, , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2020

(We’ve just finished a long day of rehearsal and the coordinator is giving us some final reminders for the next day.)

Coordinator: “Make sure you remember to bring… Wait, is that a phone I hear?”

(Sure enough, we can hear a phone ringing and vibrating. An actor raises his hand, slightly embarrassed.)

Actor: “Um, yes, sorry, it’s mine. Should I hang up?”

(The coordinator thinks he’s joking and laughs.)

Coordinator: *sarcastically* “Oh, no, don’t worry. Answer it; we’ll wait for you.”

Actor: “Oh, all right!” *answers his phone and starts talking*

(The coordinator is left with a wild look on her face and some crew members start chuckling. The actor, however, keeps talking on the phone, completely oblivious. When we realize this, the laughter stops.)

Actor: “Yeah, I know… Uh… Hey, I think I’ll call you later; everyone’s staring at me.”

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Slidering Right Into A New Friendship

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 6, 2020

(I’m about 12 years old. I am a victim of bullying, and all my friends have ditched me. After a particularly rough day, I am visually upset, and I decide to stop by a burger joint on my way home from school.)

Me: “How much is a slider?”

Employee #1: “$2.06.”

Me: “I only have t-two dollars.”

Employee #1: “That’s okay. Are you feeling all right? What’s the matter?”

Me: “My friends aren’t v-very nice p-people. And I’m-m being b-bullied at school.”

Employee #2: *handing me a cup*

Me: “Oh, sir, I think you m-misheard-d me.”

Employee #2: “It’s okay. The soda machine is over there.”

Me: “Thank you, thank you!”

Cook: “Do you like cheese on your burger?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(I fill my cup with soda and return to the cashier to pick up my burger)

Employee #1: *handing me a bag* “Here’s some ketchup.”

(I look inside the bag and there are two burgers in there!)

Me: “Ma’am, there are two burgers in here.”

Employee #2: “Our treat. Things will get better, I promise.”

Cook: “Those people are not your friends. I’ll be your new friend. I’ll be new… What do people call it today? I’ll be ‘bae.’ If you ever want to talk to someone, come in and ask for [Cook].”

Me: *laughing, for the first time in a week* “Thank you guys so, so, so much.”

Employee #1: “Do you live far away? Should I walk with you?”

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. I just live a few blocks away.”

Employee #1: “Come back any time. We’re here.”

Employee #2: *picking up a broom, swinging it around in the air* “That’s what happens if people hurt you again. I’ll break them to pieces.”

(I’m laughing hard by now. The employees look really pleased.)

Me: “Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Cook: “keep me updated!”

Employee #2: “Yeah, we want the juice!”

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Mr. Gossip From Across The Street

, , , | Friendly | January 5, 2020

(I’m on maternity leave with my first child. My husband is going away for a week on a work trip. I decide to stay with my mom during that time, so I can get some proper rest in between caring for the baby. My mom lives a 40-minute drive from us. I arrive at my mother’s house with my newborn daughter and a ton of stuff. You know, staying somewhere with a newborn requires a lot of logistics — much because of my inexperience, as well. We unload the car in the driveway. Earlier today, I bought a secondhand baby bed online from someone in my mother’s region. I reasoned that it will be handy for sleepovers, as it can be used until my daughter is about four. So, we drive off to collect it and drag it into my mom’s house, too. Fast forward to later that week. My mom comes back from grocery shopping, looking a bit puzzled.)

Mom: “I ran into [Friend from the other side of the neighborhood] when shopping.”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice.”

Mom: “Yeah, he asked about you.”

Me: “Really?”

Mom: “Yeah, he asked if you were ‘staying with me again.’ I told him, ‘Well, yes, she is,’ but found his phrasing a bit funny. Then, he continued, ‘Yeah, things don’t always work out so well.’”

Me: “Oh, my God!*facepalm*

Mom: “Yes, our neighbor apparently saw us unloading everything and made up a story about how you two broke up. He’s telling everybody who wants to hear.”

(I made sure to make out at length with my husband in the middle of the driveway when he “came back to me.” My mom had a firm talk with the neighbor about jumping to conclusions. We’re still happily married. It is now a running joke in our family that I broke up AGAIN when sleeping over at my mom’s.)

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