I’ve just finished paying for my items at a convenience store, so I step to the side to organize my things for a moment. It’s during the global health crisis, so I make sure I am more than six feet away from the people still at the checkout.

The next customer after me is an extremely elderly woman with a few items in a cart, and I happen to overhear her conversation with the cashier.

Elderly Woman: “My caregiver bought me these items, but they’re not the right kind so I need to return them.”

Cashier: “Okay, ma’am, we just need the receipt or proof of purchase.” 

Elderly Woman: “Well, that’s the problem. I don’t have it, but she said she emailed it to me.”

Out of nowhere, the woman suddenly produces an entire laptop computer from somewhere inside her coat! She sets it on the counter, while the cashier looks completely bewildered.

Elderly Woman: “Can you help me access my email here in the store? That way I can get your receipt.”

Cashier: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t think that’s going to work…”

I’d never seen someone just pull out a laptop at the checkout before! From the look on the cashier’s face, she hadn’t, either. Gotta give the elderly woman points for creativity!

I felt a bit bad for her and considered helping her by making a Wi-Fi hotspot with my phone, but I figured it would not be a simple fix, as there are always complications when it comes to helping elderly folks with technology — forgotten passwords, outdated software, etc. Plus, I didn’t want to get within six feet of her or touch her laptop, in order to protect both her health and mine. I left feeling slightly guilty but also wondering why her caregiver didn’t just go to the store for her instead!

I work at a really small mom-and-pop butcher shop in a trendy neighborhood. For health reasons, we have a few rules for people who want to do in-store shopping: namely, we limit the number of people in the store at any one time to five people, one person per party. A lot of times, people will come in with their spouses or significant other, and when we explain the one-person-per-party policy, they’re happy to have one of them wait outside while the other orders.

However, this doesn’t pertain to parents with young children, as, obviously, the kids need to stay with their parents.

We have a long line of people waiting to get in, and there are already five people in the shop. One person comes out, and a woman comes in with her boyfriend. 

Me: “Hi, ma’am. Just so you know, we have a one-person-per-party policy at the moment. If you want, you can take a minute to decide what you’re getting and then have one of you step outside?”

The lady, already indignant and angry, points to a mother shopping with her three-year-old daughter. 

Customer: “Well, what about them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s a child.”

Customer: “That shouldn’t matter!”

I walked away and found another coworker to deal with her. I don’t get paid enough for that level of stupid.

We strictly require that masks be worn inside where I work. I hear my manager speaking to a man not wearing one while sitting on a bench inside.

Manager: “Can you please put your mask on?”

Customer: “Huh?”

Manager: “Please put your mask on. We require them while you’re inside.”

Customer: “But my wife is outside.”

Manager: “That doesn’t matter because you are inside.”

I’m an elementary school teacher. During the quarantine, I was moved to teaching online from my home and struggled to keep coming up with engaging lessons for my remote learners.

One day, I decided to incorporate our two cats into my lesson for humorous effect. The cats were not cooperative, of course, but after numerous takes, I finally managed to film the lesson to my satisfaction. I showed the video to my wife.

Me: “Well, it took forever and my legs are scratched to h***, but I really think my kids will get a kick out of this.”

Wife: “You realize your big poster for [Marijuana-Themed Movie] is in the background of every shot?”

Me: …”

Me: “Okay, [Cat #1] and [Cat #2], time for a reshoot!”

Two of my coworkers are checking and bagging respectively; the bagger, given the global health crisis, is wearing a mask with “SPACEBALLS: THE FACE MASK” in large lettering. A customer comes up through the line and begins unloading her groceries onto the belt. My coworker on the register greets her and asks if she’d like any paper bags. 

The customer, looking right at the bagger and his facemask, says: 

Customer: “Oh, yes, please! I forgot my balls at home.” 

Cue a beat of silence… after which everyone present bursts into laughter.

Customer: “Yes, I would like some bags so I can get my groceries home, seeing as how I can never come back here again now!”