(My mom can’t find her phone and is going through the house looking for it.)

Mom: “Hey, call my phone; I set it down and don’t remember where.”

Me: “Check the car. You leave it in there all the time.”

Mom: “No, I remember bringing it in and setting it down, just not where.”

(I call her phone multiple times but can’t hear it ring. She thanks me for trying and I go back to what I was doing. About ten minutes later, she comes into my room.)

Mom: “Found it.”

Me: “Where was it?”

Mom: “In the car.”

Me: “Really, Mother? In the… in the car? You found it in the car? Oh, if only someone could have suggested looking in there!”

(She just shut my door and left.)

(My grandmother lives with my family for a time after her husband passes. During this time, I graduate high school and start college. She has an uncanny ability to want something from me when I am studying and only while I am studying.)

Grandmother: “[My Name], you are always on that computer! Get off that computer and come help with dishes.” 

(I close the three textbooks I have in front of me and save the work on my computer. I load the dishwasher, get it started, and try to get back my train of thought.) 

Grandmother: “Good. Don’t you feel good contributing to the house instead of being shut up in your room on that computer all day? And you can’t get behind in your lessons, either! Your parents aren’t paying for your schooling just so you can play games on that computer.” 

Me: “First of all, Gramma: my parents aren’t paying for anything. I have a full scholarship that pays for my school. Second: my major is computer science. That implies that I will be on a computer to do my assignments. In fact, when you interrupted me, I was writing a program for a class assignment that’s due next week. And I’d like to get back to it, if you don’t mind.” 

(I start putting a sign on my door when I am studying, asking to be left alone. I even try to post a study schedule as a compromise. But my grandmother loudly states every time she sees the sign:)

Grandmother: “Well, [My Name] is studying, I guess! Too bad her family’s out here. I’m sure they’d like her to join them, but I guess that computer’s too important! That scholarship is more important than having a meal with her family! But I shouldn’t interrupt her studying when I know she’s on that computer, anyway!”

(I didn’t neglect housework. I always had at least one night class, so it was easier to stay on campus and get dinner there. And I paid for almost everything out of my scholarship or tutoring jobs. Grandma just didn’t understand “computers,” so she automatically thought they were useless. She even said that “computers” weren’t a valid career path and offered to pay for “secretary school,” instead. For a family that insisted I go to college, it suddenly stopped being important when I actually got there.)

(I am staying at my friends’ house for the night. They are sisters, and we are currently doing each other’s hair.)

Friend #1: *messes up [Friend #2]’s hair* “Hey, at least now when people see you they will be like, ‘Eww, her hair!’ instead of, ‘Eww, her face!'”

Friend #2: “Hey!”

Me: *pause* “You guys are identical twins.”

(Something they never tell you until you move to a southern state is that Southerners get very touchy about what actually constitutes “The South.” It’s a particularly sore spot in places like Oklahoma, where geographically the state straddles three different regions. My boyfriend is Oklahoma born and bred, and has some strong opinions on the culture.)

Friend: “Oh, c’mon, Oklahoma isn’t the South! You gotta earn your cowboy boots!”

Boyfriend: “What?! Oklahoma historically invented cowboy culture! You’re from Virginia! All you invented was f****** slavery!”

(I am a kid, with my sister, watching an old TV sitcom. Our mother is passing by. My mom is super strict with what we watch and read.)

Mom: “What kind of show are you watching? This is not for kids! Watch Sesame Street or a cartoon, instead!”

Me: “Mom, it’s a sitcom and it’s funny. See…”

(I start to explain what’s going on, and then a scene with the two main characters suddenly making out with some girls plays and doesn’t go away. I go silent.)

Mom: “You see? Kids shouldn’t be watching shows meant for adults! Gross, disgusting!”

(She flipped off the TV and we went to our room. Later, she learned about cartoons being meant for adults and banned ALL our cartoons, too!)