Needs To Bathe In A Bit More Sleep

, , , , , | Related | November 18, 2017

(My sister is always on what I call “HER time.” This means that she’ll call or talk to you when it’s convenient for her. To this day, she still doesn’t pay attention to the time difference between us and will call at a good time for her but a terrible time for me. When we were living under the same roof, she used to do this when I was napping. This results in one exchange when I am napping after an opening shift.)

Sister: “[My Name], wake up.”

Me: *groans*

Sister: “[My Name], come on. You have to show me how to do that thing with my iPod.”

Me: *mumbles something*

Sister: “[My Name]!”

Me: *whispers* “Bathing cap.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: “BATHING… CAP!”

Sister: *giggling* “Why do I need a bathing cap for my iPod?”

Me: “Well, you want to change your outfit, don’t you?”

(Thankfully, my sister decided to let me sleep after this, and I woke up later with no recollection of this happening.)

 

Let’s Hope It Was A Clean Break

, , , , | Healthy | November 18, 2017

(Our two storey house has a lot of windows, many of them quite high up, so we use a window cleaning service. We’ve used the same guy every time. One day, he brings a coworker with him. He introduces me to the coworker, who responds to my greeting by saying curtly:)

Coworker: “Yeah, hi. Where are your taps? We need to get started.”

(I’m working in my home office, which is upstairs. I see the ladder resting against the side of the house and our window cleaner ascending it. He gives me a friendly smile and wave and right then, the ladder wobbles and he falls. I race outside and he’s lying on the grass unconscious. I rush into the house for the phone and as I do, I pass the coworker.)

Me: “[Window Cleaner] has just fallen from his ladder; he’s out cold! I’m calling an ambulance!”

Coworker: “You do that.”

(He doesn’t make a move to check on his colleague; he just carries on cleaning. I call the ambulance and rush back outside.)

Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said? [Window Cleaner] has had a bad fall. Why aren’t you checking on him?”

Coworker: “You just said you’d called the ambulance. What do you want me to do about it? Do you want your windows cleaned or not?!”

(I’m not about to stand there arguing with him and I rush round the house to open the gate for the paramedics and to stay with my window cleaner until they arrive. As they are assessing him he starts to come round, but is later revealed to have a broken ankle, a broken collarbone, and a concussion. After the paramedics have taken him away, I go back to the coworker.)

Me: “I think he’ll be okay. They’ve taken him to [Hospital]. Shouldn’t you follow the ambulance or let his wife know or SOMETHING?”

Coworker: *after a long pause in which he just stares at me* “That’ll be $160.00.”

Word To The Pennywise On Relationships

, , , , , | Friendly | November 17, 2017

(My neighbor likes to do couple-themed costumes with his boyfriend every year for Halloween. Last year they went as Batman and the Joker. Later, during the spring, they went through a rough breakup. This Halloween, I stop by his house as I always do while taking my younger sister trick-or-treating and see him passing out candy with his new boyfriend. He’s wearing the same Batman costume as last year, while his boyfriend is dressed as Bill Skarsgård’s version of Pennywise.)

Me: “So, Batman, why are you suddenly hanging out with Pennywise?”

Neighbor: *in a deep voice* “I’m trying to make the Joker jealous.”

A Miraculous Comeback

, , , | Related | November 17, 2017

(When my parents married, they waited five years until they had me. They always wanted another child but decided to wait until I was five. My sister had other plans, apparently, and was born only two years later. My sister and I jokingly fight:)

Me: “Oh, yeah? Well, at least I wasn’t an accident!”

Sister: “I. Was. A. Miracle!

Let Them Carry On While You Carry

, , , , , | Related | November 17, 2017

(My stepdad is notoriously sexist and has put on a big show about coming outside and actually helping us for once. He and my fiancé are carrying bags of cement into the garage by themselves while my mom and I watch, because we have already cleaned the garage.)

Stepdad: *in a derogatory tone* “What would you women do if we weren’t here to carry this for you?”

(My mom snaps back while I lean close to whisper in my fiancé’s ear.)

Me: “I’m the one who put them in the car.”

Fiancé: *bursts out laughing*

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