Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector, Part 2

, , , | Related | September 21, 2020

In late 2019, I lose my job to downsizing. While my husband and I are out shopping shortly thereafter, his mother calls.

Husband: “Hello?” *Pause* “Hang on.”

He puts the phone on loudspeaker and turns the volume down.

Husband: “What’s going on?”

Mother-In-Law: “I just went by your house.”

She lives over an hour away, so showing up out of the blue is uncommon.

Husband: “Any particular reason?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, I just wanted to tell you about the great deal [Multi-Level Marketing Company] has right now!”

She has been in this MLM for nearly twenty years. She will “recruit” when there are rewards she wants and then harass her recruits into finding more people so she gets greater rewards. We made the mistake of enrolling about ten years ago but cancelled after a few months of her harassing us about “not wanting to build a business.”

Husband: “No, thanks.”

Mother-On-Law: “But you enrolled before!”

Husband: “And unenrolled. We aren’t interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, how long will you be out? Are you coming home soon?”

Husband: “We are not interested.”

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name] could do it; she doesn’t have a job. It’s easy!”

Husband: “Mom. Listen to me. The answer is no. Never again.”

My mother-in-law growls and hangs up.

Me: “Is she serious?”

Husband: *Sigh* “Oh, probably.”

The next day, she texts me.

Mother-In-Law: “You liked [Multi-Level Marketing Company] products, right? They’re so much better for you than grocery store products!”

Me: “I’m not enrolling again.”

I get no answer.

A week passes without a word from her. Then, a package with [Multi-Level Marketing Company] on the box, in my name, is delivered to our front porch. My husband calls his mom, but she doesn’t answer. At the same time, I call [Multi-Level Marketing Company] directly, not willing to give [Mother-In-Law] a chance to explain. The representative is incredibly cheerful for the entire conversation.

Representative: “Hi there, thank you for calling [Multi-Level Marketing Company]. My name is [Representative]. What should I call you?”

Me: “Um… [My Name].”

Representative: “Hello, [My Name]! How can I help you?”

Me: “I, uh, I got a package from your company but I never signed up for anything.”

Representative: “Hmm. Let me take a look here. Could I verify your info?”

I give my name, phone number, and address.

Representative: “Okay, it looks like you just enrolled. Congratulations!”

Me: “No, see, I didn’t enroll. I’ve said no to [Mother-In-Law] so many times I’ve lost count.”

Representative: “Oh. Well, it says on my computer that [Mother-In-Law] enrolled you four days ago. If you’re having second thoughts about your products, we can discuss crediting your account—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I know you’re just doing your job, but I definitely did not enroll. If you have an account in my name — which you clearly do — it is fraudulent.”

Representative: *Less cheerful* “Oh. That’s pretty serious. Um, let me put you on hold. Okay?”

Me: “Okay.”

Several minutes pass. Call waiting shows that my mother-in-law is now trying to call me. I reject her call.

Representative: “[My Name]? Thank you for holding. I spoke with your enroller and my supervisor and… well… I’m not sure how I can help you.”

Me: “You can cancel that account or—”

Representative: “Are you sure you don’t want to just give it a try for a few months?”

Me: “No. Close it now or I will file a lawsuit against [Multi-Level Marketing Company] for allowing someone to open an account in my name without my consent.”

I have no idea if this is actually possible or if I’m just talking out my a**.

Representative: “But you’ll miss out on—”

Me: “Now.”

My mother-in-law calls again and I reject it.

Representative: *Heavy sigh* “All right. I’ll send the cancellation forms. We have [email] on file.”

The email address is my mother-in-law’s full name.

Me: *Stressed laugh* “No. Use [my email], please.”

Representative: “Okay. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you.”

Me: *Relieved* “Thank you. I’m sorry you’re the one who picked up my call. I appreciate your help.”

A moment later, the email came through. My mother-in-law called for a third time and I rejected her again. I sent the forms back and “my” account was cancelled that same day.

I told my husband what she had done and what I had done in return. He sent her a string of furious texts, saying that he could not believe she would go behind our backs like that, threatening identity theft charges, and telling her that we would seek a restraining order if she even so much as mentioned [Multi-Level Marketing Company] around us again. She replied with one message saying we were ungrateful and closed-minded and that she would block both our numbers.

Best Not To Pursue This Younique Vector

You’re Not Being The Neighbor Mister Rogers Wants You To Be

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

When I am twenty-one or so, I am still living with my parents. Then, I find an apartment. My boyfriend and his friends agree to move some of my stuff from my parents’ house over to my new place, including my computer and a small TV. They do so during the day while my parents are at work. My parents are fully aware of this; in fact, they loan my boyfriend a house key.

When my folks get home, their neighbour comes over, extremely excited.

Neighbour: “You were robbed today!”

Mum: “What?!”

Neighbour: “I saw the whole thing! Several young men broke into your place and took a bunch of valuables, including a computer and a TV! I saw them carry everything out to their cars and drive away.”

Mum: *Catching on* “Oh, my. That’s bad. Did you call the police?”

Neighbour: “Um, no.”

Mum: “Did you get their license plates?”

Neighbour: “No.”

Mum: “How about their cars? Did you notice what kind they drive?”

Neighbour: “No.”

Mum: “Do you think you could describe the men?”

Neighbour: “They were young… That’s all I remember.”

Mum: *Laughing* “I’m sorry, I can’t keep doing this. It’s okay. Those guys were [My Name]’s boyfriend and friends, and they’re just helping her move some of her things to her new apartment.”

Neighbour: “You were just messing with me? That’s not nice!”

Mum:You’re the one who watched our house apparently being robbed and didn’t do anything about it!”

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Ah, Mothers, Part 9

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2020

My husband and I are Canadian. When our daughter is eight months old, we drive to British Columbia to stay with my parents for a while, and then we plan to drive to Seattle and stay there for a day or two. This, for some reason, gives my mother a great deal of anxiety.

Mum: “I do wish you’d change your mind about going to Seattle.”

Me: “Why? [Husband] and I spent some time there on our honeymoon and we really liked it. We wanted to revisit some of the places we remember.”

Mum: “It’s the United States, though.”

Me: “And?”

Mum: “Someone might kidnap [Daughter].”

Me: “What? She’s no more likely to be kidnapped there than she is here.”

Mum: “Well, what if you leave her outside in her stroller while you and [Husband] are shopping? Someone could grab her!”

Me: “Are you kidding? I would never do that in a million years, no matter where I was!”

Mum: *Not listening* “Please, just promise me that you won’t leave her outside a shop alone in her stroller.”

Me: “Sure, Mum. You have my word.”

I thought that was the end of it, but no. Both Mum and Dad tackled my husband separately and begged him to get me to change my mind about going to Seattle. He politely told them that our plans were not going to change. We had a wonderful time there, by the way, and our daughter wasn’t kidnapped.

Ah, Mothers, Part 8
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6
Ah, Mothers, Part 5
Ah, Mothers, Part 4

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Thumbs Up, Sister!

, , , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2020

When my husband and I have our first daughter, she occasionally likes to suck on a soother.  

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t like those things.”

Me: “I’m not a huge fan myself, but they comfort [Daughter].”

Mother-In-Law: “None of my kids ever had those.”

That’s when one of her daughters pipes up.

Sister-In-Law: “That’s absolutely true, [My Name].”

My mother-in-law looks smug.

Sister-In-Law: “Of course, I did suck my thumb until I was seven.”

My mother-in-law scowled and changed the subject.

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You’ll Have To Wait For Old Age To Be Cute Again

, , , , , | Related | September 18, 2020

My dad, sisters, and I are talking about kids. Two of my sisters and I are teenagers while the youngest one is seven.

Dad: “Let me put it this way: your kids are cute and then they become teenagers.”

Youngest Sister: “Daddy, am I cute?”

Dad: “Yes, [Youngest Sister], you’re cute.”

Me: “Daddy, am I cute?”

Dad: “You’re a teenager.”

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