Nice Saves On Not-So-Nice Subjects

, , , , , | Romantic | March 18, 2018

Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…”

Me: “…”

Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”

(On another occasion… Note: My husband works as a barista.)

Husband: *referring to a very attractive woman we had just met* “Wow, I would make sweet, sweet…”

Me: *raises eyebrows*

Husband: “…coffee for her?”

(My husband is the king of nice saves.)

The Key Thing Is That You Forget

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2018

(My daughter’s car is in the shop, and as a result she and I are sharing my car for a few days. I have some errands to run before she goes to work.)

Me: “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in time for you to go to work. Do you want me to leave my spare keys, in case you have to go anywhere before I get back?”

Daughter: “Um… Mom? Think about what you just said.”

Me: “This conversation never happened.”

(She was still laughing as I walked out the door.)

Of Mice And Men And Cats And Boyfriends

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 17, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are hanging out, watching anime. Of note, my boyfriend is a couple years older than me. Predictably, my cat decides that he really, really needs to be the center of attention.)

Me: *hugging cat* “I got you. You’re trapped. No escape.”

(My cat wriggles free and runs off, but is back on my lap within 30 seconds.)

Boyfriend: *laughs*

Me: *hugging cat again* “I’m gonna love him, and feed him, and name him George!”

(As my cat once again escapes me, I see that my boyfriend has a confused look on his face.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You’re not old enough to get that joke!”

Me: “Uh, no, it was assigned reading back in high school.”

Boyfriend: “Wait, what?”

Me: “Steinbeck, Of Mice and Men? Lenny and George?”

(My boyfriend just looks even more confused.)

Me: “Or are you thinking of the Looney Toons jokes referencing it?”


Me: “It’s older than your parents.”

Boyfriend: “…”

Cat: *trying to put his butt on my face* “MREOW!”

Unless You’re Dying, It’s Not Worth My Time

, , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(My grandmother is a stern, no-nonsense matriarch with some rather peculiar ideas about health, from growing up in a time when castor oil was the only medicine available. I’ve dislocated my ankle the day before and I haven’t had any treatment for it. As I limp downstairs for breakfast, I feel in terrible pain and as if I’m about to throw up. I try and make it to the bathroom, but I fall in a dead faint halfway there. My mother later tells me she heard the thud from the cellar. When I come back to my senses, I’m white as a sheet, lying spread eagle on the corridor floor, and my parents are kneeling at either side with eyes as wide as dinner plates. My grandmother comes out of her bedroom and sees the scene…)

Grandmother: “What’s going on? [My Name], are you running a fever?”

Me: *still out of it, and it shows* “No… I don’t think…”

Grandmother: “Oh. That’s good.”

(And she literally walks over me on her way to the kitchen!)

Hammed Up That Story

, , , , , | Related | March 16, 2018

(I am a mother to a wonderfully cheerful six-year-old. Despite grasping things like numeracy and literacy very quickly, she tends to muddle them up after a little while unless they are quickly reinforced. On this day, I have promised her that we can go and see my parents a few miles away after school.)

Daughter: “Mummy, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Me: “Wow, really? Are you going to tell me what it is?”

Daughter: “No, I’m going to wait and tell Grandma!”

(The entire journey, she is squirming excitedly at the thought of this joke. I let her out of the car eventually, and she runs to see my mother.)

Daughter: “Grandma, I learned a joke today from my teacher!”

Grandma: “Oh, yes? What is it?”

Daughter: “What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Grandma: “Hmm… I’m not sure. What country can you put in a sandwich?”

Daughter: *with all the optimism in the world* “Ham!”

(It took us ten minutes to realise she meant Turkey.)

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