Your Friendship Is Totally Off The Rails

| The Netherlands | Friendly | May 24, 2017

(My roommate and I tend to go too deep into detail when telling a story, usually resulting in the story completely derailing. At this point in the story my roommate has tried to restart the same story three times already.)

Me: “Okay so you were gonna tell me something but you got distracted again.”

Roommate: “Oh, yeah, right! So I was really young, it was in Africa and it was really warm… I mean, of course it was warm, that’s obvious…”

(We once again completely derail from the point of her story, but don’t realise it until we head out to do groceries together.)

Me: “Hey, [Roommate]?”

Roommate: “Yeah?”

Me: “You still didn’t tell me your story, all because it was warm in Africa.”

Well If They Have Ball-Joints…

| OR, USA | Friendly | May 24, 2017

(I collect Ball-Jointed Dolls. They’re resin dolls that vary in size from about 12 cm to around 70 cm — larger ones than even that exist. They’re also rather expensive, even on the smaller side. Two friends have surprised me with a limited edition doll, one I couldn’t afford to put on layaway, as a special gift, which is insane, seriously, but I’m so grateful.)

Friend #1: “Okay, open your eyes!”

Me: *recognizing the company name on the box in front of me* “Holy crap, are you guys serious?!”

Friend #2: “Yup! Open it up!”

(I excitedly open the box and tug him out in all his naked resin glory… and notice a bag.)

Me: “What’s… Oh ,my god… Oooooh, my god!”

(I immediately burst out laughing. In the bag, are four magnetic, sculpted to scale, resin penises, that can swap with the very basically sculpted usual one.)

Me: *laughing hysterically* “IS THIS ONE OF THOSE COMPANIES?!”

Friend #1: *cackling* “Yes! I know! I had no idea until I opened the one I got in the mail!”

(While not common, a couple companies tend to include… swappable man parts… with their larger dolls. Which we had no idea this company did. We made so many d**k jokes.)

Broken Relationship

, , , | Romantic | May 24, 2017

(My boyfriend is usually a pretty grounded person, but every once in a while he comes up with some crazy thoughts. We’re cuddling on the couch watching TV when suddenly he comes out with this:)

Boyfriend: “You know what would be crazy? What if, instead of hind paws, cats had tiny human hands that were cat sized? Then instead of kneading you, they would grope you with their tiny back hands.”

Me: *stares at him bewildered* “Umm…what?”

Boyfriend: “Also! What if they spoke English instead of meowing? Not speaking English per se; they wouldn’t know what they were saying. But instead of saying ‘meow,’ each cat would have a single, random sentence they said over and over and over. Like one would always say ‘Where’s the butter?’ and another would only be able to say ‘I like short shorts!’ and so on, so that each cat had its own unique phrase it would say instead of meowing.”

Me: *hugs him* “I’m sorry, sweetie. I don’t know how I broke you, but I’m sorry I did.”

(Cue my boyfriend laughing hysterically.)

Married To A Germaniac

, , , , | Romantic | May 24, 2017

(I speak German. My wife doesn’t.)

Wife: “What does ‘polter’ mean?”

Me: “It’s kind of like… ‘geräusch.’ Which is another German word… and does not help you at all!”

Think They’re God’s Gift

| TX, USA | Related | May 24, 2017

(It is my birthday and my sister and her kids have come over to visit. A few months before this I came out to my family as “not a Christian” to my extremely religious family and they didn’t take it too well. I am opening up a gift my sister’s family got me.)

Me: *opens up gift to find a mug with a Bible verse on it* “Oh… thanks.” *makes a “this is awkward” face*

Mother: “What does it say?”

Me: “It’s a Bible verse.”

(I look into the bag and pull out two cards written by my eleven- and nine-year-old nieces. They of course have Bible verses on them.)

Me: “Oh.” *pulls out a case of root beer* “Thank you.”

(I don’t think they understand what respecting another person’s beliefs are. If someone doesn’t believe in the Bible don’t give them Bible verses as a d*** present!)

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