But He’s Still Preoccupied With 19… 19… 1975

, , , , | Related | July 8, 2020

My dad’s a really nice guy, but sometimes I don’t think he’s realized the world has changed at all since 1975.

My brother went to culinary school and was working in a hotel restaurant. He was complaining about coming home drenched in sweat because the air conditioner for the kitchen broke and it took a week to be fixed.

My father had two suggestions. One was to tell the manager that you’re not going to work until it’s fixed. When we responded that he’d be fired, Dad said no, that the boss would admire his up-frontness and probably promote him.

His other suggestion was that my brother go out and attempt to repair the commercial air conditioning unit himself. Again, he thought that this would earn respect and dismissed our arguments about voiding warranties because amateur repair attempts aren’t wise.

At another point, he volunteered to help me come up with a budget so I could work on savings. His sample budget had $300 a month rent for my three-bedroom apartment — which actually runs around $1900. He suggested I drop Internet, despite working from home two days a week, and budgeted a whopping $100 a month for groceries for my family of three.

He also suggested that my eighteen-year-old sister “really experience America” by hitchhiking across the US instead of taking a plane. “It will be so freeing! No cell phone, no credit card — just take a wad of cash.” He seemed shocked that we thought this might be a little dangerous.

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Maybe The Heatwave Melted Their Brain

, , , , | Friendly | July 7, 2020

There is a heatwave going on and the water companies have asked people to preserve water; don’t waste it. I’m in my garden reading a book when I overhear my neighbours talking. 

Neighbour #1: “Are you filling the kiddie pool?”

Neighbour #2: “Yes, the water was dirty.”

Neighbour #1: “We changed the water yesterday!”

Neighbour #2: “Well, it was dirty.”

Neighbour #1: “We are supposed to preserve water!”

Neighbour #2: “Oh, don’t worry. I’m using a water-saving hose attachment!”

I could hear his facepalm. It was an actual, loud slap. For those who need extra information: with or without a water-saving attachment, the volume of water will remain the same.

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Giving Your Children A Time-Release Heart Attack

, , , , | Healthy | July 5, 2020

My father contacts me to let me know he is in the hospital. Something is going on with his heart; they are not sure what yet. After a lot of testing, and a lot of panic on my end, he is released with some new medication. He says they are not exactly sure what happened; he didn’t have a heart attack, though. 

Fast forward several months, and the topic comes up. I ask him if they have figured out what happened that day. 

“No,” he says. “Just that it was some kind of myocardial infarction.”

Cue my bio-nerdy stare of disbelief. That was the day I got to tell my engineer father that “myocardial infarction” is the technical term for a freaking heart attack!

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Being Handsome Can Cover Many Offenses

, , , , | Related | July 4, 2020

My mom and I are watching a movie where some good-looking guy is crazy and is sniping off people in a tower while cackling. He gets up to use a bottle and pees in it madly with an insane grin.

Mom: “Ew… did he just pee in the bottle??”

Me: “Yeah.”

Mom: “Disgustang!

Me: “That’s what disgusts you?!”

Mom: “Well, the shooting people part is gross, too. But [Actor] is cute so…” *trails off, mumbling*

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Strike A Violent Pose; Maybe They’ll Leave You Alone

, , , , , , | Related | July 3, 2020

My siblings are having a massive pool party with their friends. I’m in the pool, too, just barely managing to stay out of the line of fire. They’re roughhousing, pushing each other in the pool, being rough with the dog, and throwing his toy in the pool so he’ll jump in, and my sister and her boyfriend are openly flirting. 

Mom: “Okay, I’m going inside. Keep an eye on things, [My Name]!”

Me: “Wait, you’re leaving me in charge?!”

Mom: “Yep.”

Me: “Teenagers scare me!”

Mom: “They scare me, too!”

After she left, one kid started running around the pool with a tomahawk, and my brother was chasing him with a hunting knife. Later, my mom admitted she was worried about the pool toys being destroyed. 

Cue My Chemical Romance’s “Teenagers”!

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