Mother: “You had rats as pets, right?”

Me: “Yes…”

Mother: “That means you know how to deal with my rat infestation, right? I’ve tried killing them with poison and traps, but I’m thinking the best is to get a cat. Remember when our old cat got into your room and killed your hamster?”

(I’m walking through the living room carrying my Kindle when I slip and fall. My brother is nearby playing a video game.)

Me: “Ow! What the h*** was on the floor?!”

Brother: “You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I just banged my knee… Aw, d*** it, my Kindle’s broken!”

Brother: “Okay, calm down. It’s only $50 to get it fixed. Please don’t flip out.”

(I put my face in my hands and take a few deep breaths, then sit down.)

Brother: “I just want you to be ‘$50 and a hurt knee’ upset, not ‘$300 and a broken leg’ upset. I feel like a lot of the tension around here lately has been because people get mad over every little thing.”

Me: “Yeah, I know.”

(I actually have calmed down — I was only really upset for a minute or two. I start looking online at prices for a new Kindle. Unfortunately, I’m having trouble concentrating, because I’m interrupted by this:)

Brother: “G**d*** it! Of course it starts lagging right as someone targets me! I wish this game would just pick a f****** speed! F***!”

(I had no idea “laggy video game” upset was so much worse than “$50 and a hurt knee” upset. I may have to suggest that he stop playing entirely if it’s causing him that much trauma.)

(Due to being a small business owner, I get all types of spam calls, but due to the clientele and our cloud-based services, I can’t afford to not answer the phone, as it may be a client’s phone number I’m just not familiar with. A particularly dense and determined telemarketer calls me repeatedly from one of those “unknown ID” lines that are impossible to trace. I am getting fed up with them, and so is my girlfriend. She decides to answer the call since my attempts thus far to get them to stop have been unsuccessful:)

Girlfriend: *sultry voice* “Are you ready for something hot and satisfying?”

Telemarketer: “…huh?”

(My girlfriend lets out a low and guttural belch into the phone and hangs up.)

Me: “You are disgusting.”

Girlfriend: “But effective!”

(She was right; they didn’t call back!)

(One of our friends is getting married and moving out of state. I’m at home one evening when I receive a call from another friend.)

Friend #1: “Hey, I was calling to let you know I’m finishing up at work and should meet you guys for [Moving Friend]’s going away party shortly.”

Me: “Huh? What party? Nobody told me about any party.”

Friend #1: “Oh, boy… Hang on. I’m going to call [Friend #2]. I’ll call you right back.”

(A few minutes later, he calls me back, sounding clearly annoyed.)

Friend #1: “So, yeah, it seems no one bothered to tell you about it because they thought you were working tonight. You might want to give [Friend #2] a call.”

(I get off the phone with him and proceed to call [Friend #2].)

Friend #2: “Hey, [My Name]. What’s going on?”

Me: “Dude, what the h***?! You guys are having a going away party for [Moving Friend] and didn’t think to let me know?”

Friend #2: “We thought you were working tonight.”

Me: “I’m off weekday evenings! You should know that!”

Friend #2: “Oh… Um… Well, the party is just getting started. You can still come out if you want.”

(By this point, I’m angry and a bit hurt, but I do decide to go out and join everyone at the party. A week later I go out to the movies, but I’m surprised to find that only [Friend #1] has shown up.)

Me: “No one else is joining us? I thought they wanted to see this movie, too.”

Friend #1: “F*** ‘em. They didn’t tell you about [Moving Friend]’s going away party, so I decided to not tell them about the movie.”

(While watching “Train to Busan,” a Korean zombie flick set on the titular train:)

Me: “Apparently, they’re making a Hollywood remake of Train to Busan.”

Husband: “How the h*** are they going to do that? Our public transport here is s***.”

Me: *cracking up*

Husband: “It’d be what? The Long Drive to Busan? Everyone’s just stuck in traffic. For two hours. Including the zombies.”

(Zombies begin falling from broken windows and rapidly swarm towards the survivors in a craze, snarling and spitting. They scramble over barriers and each other, broken limbs jutting out at odd angles, making them resemble a horrifying stampede of twisted, mangled marionettes.)

Husband: “Looks like a typical Black Friday, if you ask me.”