A Rose By Any Other Blame

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2018

(I am twelve, waiting outside for my dad and my sister to finish up with something in the garage. We have a pretty steep driveway with big rocks dividing where we park our cars from the slanted rose bush gardens. I am walking across these rocks when I lose my footing, and feel myself lose my balance. Although I try, I know I am going to fall into the rose bush, so I just put my hands up to my face to protect myself. When I fall, I scrape my chin up pretty bad and starting crying from the thorns. I call out for help. As I try to climb back out, my sister and my dad just looking at me, confused.)

Me: “Why didn’t you help me?”

Dad: “There wasn’t a lot we could do to stop it.”

(This is when I start crying more.)

Dad: “Sorry, sweetie. I’ll get you a bandaid!”

Sister: “Hey, [My Name], you know, it’s probably not a good idea to go diving into the rose bush.”

(I was hurt because it wasn’t like I did it on purpose, but then they explained to me what they saw from their angle. Apparently, they saw me walking, then I turned toward the rose bush, raised up my hands, and did a perfect dive off the rocks. So, from their angle it looked liked I purposely dove off the rocks. To this day, they still bring up my short-lived “rock diving” career.)

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2018

(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

Being A Wet Blanket About It

, , , , , | Related | January 18, 2018

(My mom keeps a towel on the floor next to the porch door, so she can dry her feet when she comes in. My favorite chair is a few feet from the door, and I used to drape my hair over the back to let it dry after a shower and pull the towel over behind the chair so I didn’t drip on the floor. I stopped when Mom pointed out that I had been forgetting to move the towel back. But she insisted that I was still doing it, because she kept finding the towel in the wrong place. Then, this happens:)

Mom: “[My Name]! What the h*** is this towel doing here?”

Me: “I don’t know. I didn’t put it there.”

Mom: “Yes, you did! I’ve told you not to move it, because you never put it back!”

Me: “It’s crumpled up into a ball; why would I do that if I wanted to catch water? It was probably the cat.”

Mom: “You’re just trying to get out of trouble.”

(At this point I remember something fairly important.)

Me: “We spent the last four days in [Other City] on vacation, and I didn’t have time to shower yesterday after we got home because you insisted that, even though I was on vacation, I still had to write an essay for your friend who can’t be bothered to do her own work. I haven’t had wet hair in this house in nearly a week.”

Mom: *pause* “Maybe it was the cat.”

Toddlers Need To Fulfill Their Destiny

, , , , , , , , | Related | January 17, 2018

(My toddler is sitting on the couch next to my husband and is playing with his large Spider-Man and Venom action figures by hitting them together. My husband gets his attention and he stops.)

Husband: “Don’t do that, son, or you’ll break them.”

(Our son suddenly drops Spider-Man on the couch next to him and starts cuddling Venom.)

Son: “Aww, baby! Mwah, mwah!” *kisses Venom’s head then cuddles him more*

Husband: *picks up Spider-Man and holds him out to our son* “What about him? Is he your baby, too?”

(Our son looks at Spider-Man, then at Venom, before snatching Spider-Man from my husband and throwing him on the floor. He then goes back to cuddling Venom and calling him “baby.”)

Husband: *laughs and shakes his head* “He prefers the villain, just like Mommy.”

Me: *cackles* “Good, good. The dark side always needs more people.”

Her Hearing Is Going But Her Eyes Are Sharp As A Hawk’s

, , , , | Healthy | January 17, 2018

(I work in a local doctor’s surgery, running a clinic fixing hearing aids. I’m at home with my family when the doorbell rings. An elderly lady is standing outside.)

Elderly Lady: “Hello, are you the hearing aid lady?”

Me: “Yes…”

Elderly Lady: *hands me a small package* “The hospital posted me a new hearing aid mould, but I don’t know how to fit it. I didn’t want to wait for the clinic.”

Me: “How did you find me?”

Elderly Lady: “I saw you going home and I recognised you. Can you put my hearing aid together?”

Me: “Uh… sure.”

(I do it on the spot; it’s a ten-second job.)

Elderly Lady: “Thank you! Bye!”

Me: *speechless*

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