To Sleep, Perchance To Die

, , , , , | Working | May 15, 2018

At the company I work for, we have to travel a lot to different construction sites. On my first day, they told me not to fall asleep in the passenger seat during those rides.

A couple of weeks later I was traveling with a very quiet coworker after having a terrible night. Naturally, I fell asleep during the two-hour ride, only to be suddenly awoken by loud noises. My coworker was screaming in horror, and there was a truck only a meter in front of our car. I was sure we were still driving and a deadly crash was imminent… until my coworker started laughing.

Turns out, as soon as he noticed me sleeping, my coworker pulled out at the next parking lot, searched for a truck, parked behind it, and put the car in neutral. Then he honked, slammed the gas pedal, and started screaming.

I mentioned this to another coworker the next day, and he told me this guy does that to everyone who falls asleep in his car. “If he can’t sleep during work hours, the passenger won’t, either.” One coworker even had a nervous breakdown because of this. I get why. It’s now over 20 years later, and I still can’t sleep while being in a car.

Completely Time-Zoned Out

, , , , , , , | Working | May 10, 2018

(I work in an IT department that hires  “co-op students,” or students studying IT at a local university. These folks are hired for four-month periods, and because they are new and young, they are subjected to some harmless hazing.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op Student], did you know that it’s your job to get us all coffee each morning?”

Co-Op Student: “Really?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. All the co-ops we’ve had do that for us.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh. Do you give me the money for the coffee, or…?”

Coworker: “Of course not! You have to pay for everything.”

Co-Op Student: *starting to look worried*  

Me: “I can’t stand it; we’re just teasing, dude. You don’t really have to get us coffee.”

Co-Op Student: *relieved* “You guys are terrible!”

(A few weeks later, Daylight Saving is upon us.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Co-Op], don’t forget that Daylight Saving happens this weekend.”

Co-Op Student: “Huh?”

Coworker: “You know; ‘Spring forward, fall back’?”

Co-Op Student: *blank stare*

Coworker: “It’s the ‘spring forward’ thing this time, so that means that you need to move your clocks forward one hour.”

Co-Op Student: “Ha ha! You almost got me! Nice try, [Coworker].”

Me: “Uh, he’s not joking this time.”

Co-Op Student: “Yeah, right. ‘Move clocks forward one hour.’ As if!”

(It turned out that the student was from a province that didn’t use Daylight Saving. Guess who was late for work on Monday?)

This Prank Has A Drinking Problem

, , , , , , , | Right | May 3, 2018

It’s the lunchtime rush at the drive-thru. A group of giggling teens orders a large Hi-C drink. The driver pays and drives up to my window, accepting the drink.

There is a scream of, “Fire in the hole!” and the cup comes flying toward my window like an orange grenade.

I slam the window shut before the drink arrives. Upon impact, the drink bounces off the window and the lid comes flying off.

The now lidless cup ricochets back at the car and ends up in the driver’s lap, with about 90% of its contents exploding all over the pristine interior and soaking at least the driver and her passenger.

They stare, dumbfounded at how their “prank” has backfired, and resulted in a sticky mess all over their car interior.

I smile sweetly and gesture for them to move along, alerting my manager in case they decide to come in and complain.

They don’t. They just drive off with stunned expressions still on their faces. My one regret to this day is that we didn’t have a camera to capture the incident.

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Slither Their Way Into Your Heart

, , , , | Learning | May 2, 2018

(We have our own three stooges in our class who often do gross stuff to freak out the girls, and sometimes say misogynistic stuff. While the teacher is out of the classroom, they think it would be fun to release a snake in the classroom. Most girls scream and jump on their desks. I roll my eyes and get up.)

Me: “Hey there, little guy. Did those mean boys put you up to this?”

(I let the snake crawl up my arm.)

Boy #1: “You’re not freaking out? I thought chicks hated snakes.”

Me: “Not all of them.”

Boy #2: “But aren’t you afraid he’ll bite?”

Me: “This fellow is obviously from a pet store. He’s too calm, and if he were venomous, I doubt you two blockheads would’ve been legally allowed to buy it or the store to sell him.”

Boy #1: “How do you know all this?”

Me: “I like reptiles. I recognized his coloration as being that of a ball python, like my pet.”

(They mumbled something and left the classroom. I told the teacher what happened and he called animal control. The knuckleheads kept doing thing to scare the girls, but they were expelled soon after a lot of parents complained.)

Extinguishing This Prank

, , , , | Related | April 27, 2018

(My ten-year-old son is staying at home alone for a half-hour due to scheduling conflicts. I get this text from his phone while at gymnastics with my daughter.)

Son: “Do we have a fire extingisher?”

Son: “Just curious.”

Me: “…”

Me: “Under the kitchen sink.”

Me: “Is this Dad?”

Son: “Oh, come on! How could you tell?! I even misspelled, ‘extinguisher’!”

(My husband decided it would be funny to try and prank me, but I saw right through it!)

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