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Press Two For Resurrections

, , , | Right | October 12, 2021

I’m living with some friends in a shared house situation. We have a landline that the married couple living here had installed for cheaper call rates. We are experiencing a rather sudden and heavy influx of telemarketers and scam calls, so we are taking it in turns to answer the phone and mess with them to tie up their time. 

There is one caller who is especially persistent, and with the husband at work for the fortnight — long-distance family macadamia farm — and the caller requesting to speak with him; his wife, our remaining housemate, and I are the only ones answering the landline and holding down the fort.

Most of the scammers request the husband when they call, and as none of us recognise the company calling, we are messing with them, upping the ante each time, making more and more wild tales of where the husband is and why he can’t come to the phone.

Eventually, the novelty wears off and we start getting irritated with the near-daily calls. So, the wife and I decide on one last big hurrah in an effort to get them to stop. She answers the phone with fake sniffles, and when the caller predictably asks for her husband, she breaks into some of the best fake sobbing I’ve ever seen.

Her voice is breaking, she has the quivering lip going, and she even lets a couple of real tears out to REALLY get into the role. Truly, it’s a shame the caller can’t see her at that moment because she… is… selling it!

Wife: “This is a terrible time to call. I’m sorry, but… I just can’t continue to speak with you. I’m passing the phone to someone else.”

As the phone is passed to me, she bursts into fake heavy sobbing and even wails in sorrow as she takes off down the hall, opening and closing a door loudly to really sell the lie I am about to spin.

I take over the call and when the caller asks what was going on I explain that, on the way back from work, her husband had a car accident. He didn’t make it, and the caller has unfortunately called in the middle of his wake ceremony. The caller is aghast and apologises profusely for calling and quickly hangs up.

The wife and I high-five and laugh like a pair of hyenas, bursting into fresh gales of laughter, when our other housemate walks in and asks what we are doing. We explain, and he starts laughing, too. The calls stop and blessed silence descends for a couple of days.

When the husband returns from the farm, we are bouncing with excitement to tell him our escapade of brilliance and are rather dejected when he doesn’t burst into laughter like we are expecting and hoping for. 

Husband: “It wasn’t someone from [Company] calling, was it, by any chance?”

Wife: “It was, actually! Wait…”

She looks at me.

Me: “We didn’t…”

We look back to her husband.

Wife: “How do you know the name of the company when we forgot to… even mention…”

Me: “Oh, s***.”

It turned out to be a call [Husband] was actually expecting, and he had been wondering why they hadn’t given him a call on his mobile all fortnight. The company only had the landline listed and had forgotten to note down his mobile number, apparently.

Oooooh, boy, was THAT an interesting call-back! The girl who answered his call was beside herself, crying down the phone line, saying over and over how glad she was to hear he wasn’t dead, and then crying more. We were banned from answering the landline for a month following that one.

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If I Had A Dollar Every Time I Heard That Joke

, , , , , | Right | September 30, 2021

I’m shopping at a nationwide chain where everything is sold for one dollar. I grab the items I need and head to the checkout line. In front of me is a middle-aged couple with a completely full cart. As soon as this couple gets to the register, they start giggling to each other.

Female Customer: “Hey, can we get a price check on that?”

Cashier: “Oh, everything we sell is one dollar.”

Female Customer: “Okay, cool. Thanks!”

The cashier keeps scanning items while the man and woman giggle to each other. They start glancing back at us other customers in line, obviously expecting us to be laughing along with them, only to be met with bored or frustrated stares. But of course, they aren’t deterred, and a few items later…

Male Customer: “I think that [item] rang up wrong. Can you get a price check?”

Cashier: *Still oblivious* “Sir, I told you already; everything here is one dollar.”

Male Customer: “I just wanted to make sure.”

The customers keep giggling and whispering to themselves and looking at everyone else in line to see if they’re getting a reaction. And after a few more items…

Female Customer: “Hold on; can you have a manager check the price on that?”

The cashier has now caught on to their “joke” and silently keeps scanning items. However, another customer behind me shouts out:

Customer: “Shut the f*** up already! You made your lame-a** joke once. Just let the cashier do their job so we can all get out of here!”

The man and woman look completely shocked by this, and the woman responds.

Female Customer: “Geeze, we just like lame jokes. Sorry for trying to brighten everyone’s day with some humor!”

The cashier finally finishes ringing up their items, and they pay and leave, but the woman decides to get in one last “sting” on their way out the door.

Female Customer: “You all really need to chill. It’s just a lame joke. Learn to laugh!”

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Pranks For Keeping It Alive

, , , | Right | September 29, 2021

Me: “Good afternoon, [Location, Store].”

Caller: “Can I speak to Oliver?”

Me: “I’m sorry, there’s no Oliver at this number.”

Caller: “Are you sure? I’m looking for Oliver Clothesoff.”

Me: “Good one, that’s actually funny. Don’t call here again.”

Good to see kids are still doing prank calls. Made my day.

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Be Leery Of The Beer Query

, , , , , , | Related | September 29, 2021

My cousin, age ten, and I, age seven, went to the local grocery store to get some stuff for my mom. She had (jokingly) added “a six-pack of cold beer” to the shopping list.

My cousin and I arrived at the checkout lane, and the nice lady told us:

Cashier: “I’m afraid you can’t buy beer because you’re under eighteen years of age.”

I did a bit of quick math.

Me: “But, we are seventeen together. You can overlook one year, can’t you?”

The checkout lady smiled and shook her head. The other people near the counter chuckled. We were embarrassed and returned the beer to the shelf.

Arriving home, we told the tale to my mom and cousin’s mom. They had big grins and told us they were joking and just wanted to see what would happen.

I grumpily replied, something like:

Me: “Well, the beer wasn’t cold, anyway.”

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The Terrors Of The TikTok Generation

, , , , , , | Right | September 23, 2021

I was running the self-checkout when this guy gave me the strangest look, called me by a name that was not mine, asked with a big smile if I recognized him, and then asked if he could hug me.

Normally, I wouldn’t freely hug a stranger, but I was in such shock and confusion that I just kind of stood there while he hugged me like an old pal. I’m pretty sure he was just trolling me, seeing as his friend was laughing his guts out.

After the guy left, my coworker told me that the same guy asked her if he could film inside the store. I didn’t see anyone filming, but if you ever come across a video on YouTube where a guy randomly hugs a blond-haired, wide-eyed, clueless-looking girl at the US’s largest employer… that’s probably me.

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