Maybe Fiftieth Time Lucky

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2020

An older customer who does nothing but walk up and down the aisles all day comes in trying to play tricks on the staff. He comes up to me with a loaf of bread.

Me: “G’day, how are you?”

Customer: “I’m not going to tell you; you’ll tell everyone.”

Me: “All right, so that will be two dollars, thanks.

The customer hands me a $10 note; I give him $8 change.

Me: “All right, have a nice day.”

The customer stands there for a moment.

Customer: “Didn’t I give you a fifty?”

I am slightly taken aback.

Me: “No, you definitely gave me a ten.”

The customer then bares the biggest toothless grin I’ve ever seen and laughs.

Customer: “I’ll get you one day, mate. Have a good one!”

Ever since then, every time he goes through my register, he always does the same thing. He thinks it’s hilarious and that he’ll always get me next time.

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Good Thing The Boss Didn’t Ovary-act

, , , , , | Working | September 9, 2020

I am a commercial electrician, which means I work on fairly large projects on a few acres of land or multiple-story buildings. We construction workers tend to screw around with green hands — new workers — often. Some of us dislike it — I particularly don’t like it — but this kid is on a new level.

We are having a slow day, mainly waiting on material.

Foreman: “Hey, [Green Hand], can you go check with [Supply Manager] to see if we have any fallopian tubes?”

A few of us stifle laughter but I am thinking there’s no way he’ll fall for that.

Green Hand: “Fallopian tubes? How many?”

Foreman: “One or two is fine.”

Green Hand: “Okay, I will be back in a bit.”

All of us burst out laughing after he leaves, even us who normally would stop it. It’s about a five-minute walk to the supply area. The rest of the story I am informed of later. 

Green Hand: “Hey, [Supply Manager], do we have any fallopian tubes?”

Manager: *Without skipping a beat* “No, I don’t think we do. You should check with [Superintendent]. He may have an idea.”

He walks to our super’s office, which is another five-minute walk.

Green Hand: “Hey, [Superintendent], do we have any fallopian tubes on order?” 

He asks this in front of a lot of higher-ups, and our superintendent normally doesn’t have tolerance for people screwing around, but [Green Hand] caught him on a good day. [Superintendent] sighs and grabs his radio.

Superintendent: “Who’s screwing with the new guy? Because I have to admit, that’s pretty funny.” *To [Green Hand]* “Hey, kid, when they ask you to get a part you’ve never heard of, Google it before asking anybody next time.”

[Green Hand] looks confused, pulls out his phone, and then pulls out his radio.

Green Hand: “Funny, guys. Very funny.”

Some people might find it mean, but the green hand learned two lessons: always check, and if it sounds stupid, there’s a 70% chance it isn’t a part or tool.

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NASCAR, Pranks, And Nuggets, Oh, My!

, , , , | Right | September 8, 2020

I usually work the night audit shift and sometimes the third shift at a chain hotel.

On this particular day, or two days, I clock in early at 9:00 pm because a coworker left early, stay until 7:00 am, and come back at noon so my coworkers could go to a work meeting.

At about 3:00 pm, after a good twenty hours without sleep, I receive a call. A lot of people are trying to check in, and this person wants to make a reservation. We can transfer calls to a reservation hotline, but I sometimes forget.

Caller: “I’d like to make a reservation for [weekend of a Nascar race].”

Me: “Okay, we have a few rooms left for that weekend going at a rate of $299.99.”

Caller: “Okay, well, that’s a little out of my budget.”

Me: “Well, we have discounts. Do you have AAA or anything like that?”

Caller: “No, but I actually want two rooms. And my budget is $60.”

Me: “Per room?”

Caller: “No, both rooms. I’d like both rooms for $60.”

Me: “I am afraid I cannot give you two rooms for $60 or even one room for $60. I apologize.”

Caller: *In the background* “No, no, I can’t do it! It’s too mean!”

Me: *Realizing this is a prank* “Sir? Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “Uh, well, I just really need those two rooms for $60.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I cannot do that. Have a great day.”

When my coworkers came back at 7:00 pm, two hours after when they said they’d return, my manager told me next time a guest calls to make a reservation, just transfer them. They laughed, and seeing how I did NOT find it funny, they offered me chicken nuggets to “make it up to me.”

We’ve worked together for months, and at some point, I’ve mentioned to all of them that I’m vegetarian.

On the drive home, I contemplated killing them all.

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Well, The Coworker Was Half Right

, , , , , , | Working | September 4, 2020

I am a cashier at a big retailer. It’s my day off and I get a phone call from work.

Me: “Hello?”

Voice: “YOU’RE FIRED!” *Click*

I’m completely baffled. I have no write-ups on my record and have always shown up on time. I call the store back and ask to speak to my boss.

Boss: “Hi there, [Boss] speaking. How may I help you?”

Me: “It’s [My Name]. I want to know what’s going on, like why am I fired?”

Boss: “Fired? You’re not fired! Why would you be fired?”

Me: “I don’t know! Didn’t you just call me and tell me I was fired?”

Boss: “I— I never called you, and I most definitely didn’t fire you. Wait, when did you receive this call?”

Me: “A couple of minutes ago.”

Boss: “Okay, I’m gonna need to check something. I’ll call you back in about ten or fifteen minutes.”

As it turns out, one of my coworkers had called me using a voice changer to sound like my boss and pretended to fire me as a prank. He ended up fired for real.

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In The Middle Of Difficulty Lies Opportunity… For Revenge

, , , , , | Related | August 11, 2020

In art class, my younger brother drew a portrait of someone he assured me was Albert Einstein, a claim I found… dubious. Our mother called it a masterpiece and insisted on framing it up on the wall in our room.

It was utterly creepy, with horrid nostrils and mismatched eyes that I could swear followed me wherever I went. It was also right above our beds, which meant I got to wake up to a creepy old man staring down at me every day.

Unfortunately, I was naive enough to mention it to my brother, who then gleefully insisted on keeping it there for the next decade. Eventually, we both moved out, and I threw the portrait out during the confusion of packing and moving out.

My brother found out eventually and vowed vengeance, promising that I’d one day regret tossing Einstein out. Nevertheless, those were six happy years spent away from that horrid portrait.

When the recent health crisis got worse, we moved back in to help our mother. The next morning, I woke up to find the portrait staring right down at me once again and freaked out.

Apparently, at some point, my brother had drawn another portrait of Einstein and deliberately made it even creepier than the last — warty nose, mismatched nostrils and eyes, moustache and expression that just screamed “pervert,” and wormy eyebrows. He hung it in the same spot as its predecessor after I went to bed.

I literally had it burned, but the damage was done. As promised, I regret tossing Einstein out. It wasn’t worth being traumatised by its successor.

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