(I have had the weekend from Hell itself, so I am miserable on a Monday night when this gem of a telemarketing scam comes through. For context, I am in the bathroom with horrible cramps when I hear the phone ring and my son brings me the phone. Also, I have my laptop on my lap, and it is definitely not an Apple product, as we are an Apple-free home due to budget.)

Me: “Hello?” *using an outrageous valley girl voice*

Scammer: *with a thick accent* “Hello, ma’am, I am calling from Apple Support to inform you that your iCloud account has been compromised.”

Me: “O-M-G!” 

(Yes, you got that right; I went SUPER valley girl!)

Scammer: “How many Apple devices do you own?”

Me: “Three!”

Scammer: “And what kind are they?”

(He is speaking slowly like I am the airhead I am pretending to b.)

Me: “An iPhone X, a laptop, and uh… an Apple watch.”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, it would seem your account is signalling from many places. Yes, someone in Russia, Germany, and other places have accessed your account. Do you have family from there that could have accessed the account?”

Me: “Noooo…”

Scammer: *huffs* “Well, ma’am, have you shared your account with anyone?”

Me: “NOOOOOOO…”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, I am going to give you a website to go to. What browser do you use?”

Me: *even more excited and outrageous voice* “Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

Scammer: *huffs LOUDER* “If you will go and type in this address.” *proceeds to give me a complex website to go to while attempting to phonetically spell it to me* “Ma’am, have you typed it in?”

Me: *stifling a giggle* “Yesssssss.”

Scammer: *huffs* “What does it say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: *pauses* “What? What did you say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, did you go away from the website?”

Me: “Noooo! This is what came up!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, you need to type that correctly. I do not understand how you are seeing this message.”

Me: *bursts into laughter because he is clueless and dropping into my real voice with a Southern drawl* “Dude, I’m just f****** with you. I’m a candidate for a PhD in military history, and there ain’t s*** in this house that’s an Apple product! You have a good day, sweetie.”

(A customer has just pulled up to the drive-thru speaker. This happens before I can greet them. The coworker in this story often has friends coming through the drive-thru, nearly all of whom are generally annoying.)

Customer: “[Coworker] is a f*****!” *laughter*

Coworker: “What?!”

Manager #1: “[Coworker], tell your friends to get out of the drive-thru.”

Manager #2: *to the customer in her pretending-to-be-happy while ticked off voice* “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “A cheesy cheddar burger…”

(I start ringing it in as the second manager continues talking to them.)

Manager #2: “All right.”

Customer: “Three waters… Three big waters. Not the little tiny ones.”

(I, being on drive-thru, am assigned to make drinks for orders. Our water cups are about 12 ounces; the next size up is about 16. While I know that he means he wants large cups, I start filling the 16-ounce cups.)

Me: *to Manager #1* “If they ask, they didn’t specify how much bigger.” *wink*

(Needless to say, they were not exactly ecstatic about the “big” cups or my manager’s explanation.)

(Part of my husband’s responsibility is unlocking the office in the morning. This means that he has to do his best to be there before anyone else shows up. Normally, this isn’t a problem, because he is very conscientious. One day, however, our little girl decides to throw a tantrum as we are trying to get her ready for daycare, and this delays our departure by about twenty minutes. As I drive us to work, his cell phone starts ringing.)

Husband: “Hello?”

Coworker #1: “Where are you? I’m waiting outside for you to unlock the door!”

Husband: “I’m really sorry. My daughter didn’t want to get ready this morning, so I’m running late. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Coworker #1: “Well, hurry, okay?” *hangs up*

(His phone starts ringing again.)

Coworker #2: “Why aren’t you here yet?”

Husband: “Didn’t [Coworker #1] tell you? I’m running late.”

Coworker #2: “Running late? How long are we going to have to wait?”

Husband: “I’ll be there as soon as possible.” *hangs up*

(His phone starts ringing again.)

Supervisor: “I hear that no one has been able to start work yet because of your tardiness.”

Husband: “I’m hurrying! Traffic is bad. I’ll be there as fast as I can!”

Supervisor: “Well, see that you are.”

(His phone rings again several more times as we are driving, each time from another coworker berating him for being late. By the time he gets to work, he is practically in tears from frustration and misery that he’d inconvenienced everyone.)

Coworkers: “SURPRISE!”

Husband: “What?”

Supervisor: *with a broad grin* “We all waited here and took turns calling you! It was hilarious! *sees my husband’s face* “Um… it was supposed to be hilarious.”

Husband: *unlocks the door and goes to his desk without saying a word*

(His supervisor apologized to him afterward and bought him a coffee. She’d honestly thought that the prank would be funny and felt terrible that they’d upset him.)

(I am a high school student, hired for a new fast food restaurant that is under construction. During training, I have to go to another franchise across town.)

Worker: “Hey, new guy. Before you leave tonight, you need to mop the freezer.”

(I run a bucket of hot mop water, but it takes only an instant for the mop to freeze to the floor. I try to keep it moving as quickly as possible, but there are icy mop-prints all over the floor. Before long, it’s mopped as well as I can get it. I empty the mop bucket and go home. The next day, I get a phone call.)

Manager: “Don’t bother coming in today. The health department shut us down for a couple of days. Some idiot went and mopped the freezer.”

Me: “Really? I wonder who that could have been?”

(As far as I know, they never pulled that trick on the new guys again.)

(I am a baker, so while I do not deal with difficult customers, I get to hear all the stories. The latest incident is a customer who wanted a custom cake for Monday but when she called on Thursday, she was informed she needed to order by Friday. She calls on Saturday, about an hour before the store closes, a few hours after the decorator has left, outraged that she can’t get her cake. A few days later, my brother has asked me to buy something for him, so I call the store late in the day to place an order.)

Assistant Manager: “Thank you for calling [Bakery]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Me: *in a higher pitch than normal* “Hi. I’d like to place an order for a cake.”

Assistant Manager: “When would you like it for?”

Me: “Tonight.”

Assistant Manager: “So, you want a cake from the case or…”

Me: “Actually, I want a three-tier [custom cake that we don’t make].”

Assistant Manager: *laughing* “Oh, I know who this is now.”

Me: *laughing* “I tried to be as ridiculous as possible, but I didn’t know how long I’d last without breaking. But in all seriousness, can I order [item]?” 

Assistant Manager: “No!”

Me: “Fine! I’ll make it myself!”