(I’m working the drive-thru on a slow night at a popular chicken restaurant. My coworkers and I are slacking off as everything is done and the manager has gone home for the night, leaving me in charge. A car pulls into the drive-thru when this happens:)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Place]; what can I get for you?”

Customer: “Yeah, let me get a [one-person-sized meal only totaling to $5].”

Me: “And your drink?”

Customer: “Actually, scratch that. Let me get a [meal totaling to about $15].”

Me: “Okay… No problem. What else for you?”

Customer: “Actually, scratch that. Let me get a [big meal ranging to about $20].”

Me: *literally banging my head against the wall as my coworker unpacks the previous meal choice and starts the new one* “No problem. Will that be all for today?”

Customer: “Scratch that. Let me get a large water. That’ll be it.”

Me: *pause* “Just pull up to the window.”

Coworker: “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!”

(A bunch of teenagers pulled up to the window and I handed them their water as they laughed, driving off. While we were shocked, it at least relieved the boredom.)

I work at a restaurant that offers those “singing and cake” extras for birthdays. One day, I am approached by two teenage boys who pay for the birthday special for their female friend. I’m thinking, “Aw, that’s cute!”

We make the cake and we go sing “Happy Birthday” to their table… and it quickly becomes obvious that the girl is not into it. She’s death-glaring at the boys so hard I’m surprised they don’t burst into flames. They giggle the entire time. When it’s time to blow out the candle, she puts it out between her index and thumb, then smashes the cake against the face of the boy closest to her.

Turns out, she hated this kind of stuff and they got it anyway, just to mess with her. Good times.

(Mom has never been outside the US in her life. We pick her up in Frankfurt and head out on the Autobahn back to Wurzburg. As we are going along, she starts noticing the signs, “Ausfahrt” and “Einfahrt,” at the side of the road. She asks her dutiful son:)

Mom: “What do those signs mean?

Me: “Well, Mom, ‘Einfahrt’ means you can only fart once. ‘Ausfahrt’ means you can fart all you want!”

(Twenty silent miles go past as she mulls that over.:)

Mom: “These people are nasty!”

(My wife can’t stand it me pranking her.)

Wife: “Don’t listen to that fool. Those words mean ‘exit’ and ‘entrance.’”

(Mom looks at her, looks at me, and then exclaims:)

Mom: “These people aren’t nasty; it’s my own darned son that’s nasty!”

(In our area, we’ve had a high number of scam calls claiming to be [Power Company] and demanding payment. It’s so common that the actual power company has added a warning on their website.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] with [Power Company]–”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am, we don’t have power. We’re Amish.”

Scammer: “…” *click*

(This happened earlier today, so it’ll be interesting to see if that actually gets me off the list.)

(After my freshman year in college, I get a summer internship in a lab. I’m doing pretty basic stuff, but as an eighteen-year-old with hardly any experience, it seems pretty cool. During my second week, I break a small piece of equipment, completely my fault.)

Me: “Uh, [Coworker #1]? I broke the pH meter probe.”

Coworker #1: “Oh, that’s okay. I’ll go grab another; I’ll show you how to replace it. Wait here.”

([Coworker #1] leaves to go to the storage room to find a new probe while I stand there waiting.)

Coworker #2: *walks in* “What are you doing? Why aren’t you testing these samples?”

Me: “I broke the pH meter probe; [Coworker #1] is getting a new one.”

Coworker #2: “You what? You broke it? Do you have any idea how expensive these are?! This is coming out of your paycheck! These things are like $400!”

Me: “What?!”

Coworker #2: “Yeah. You break it, you buy it.”

Me: “It was an accident!”

Coworker #2: “Doesn’t matter. Be more careful next time. You’ll never get a job if you break stuff all the time.”

(He goes to his bench and [Coworker #1] comes back.)

Me: “Are these really $400?”

Coworker #1: “Huh? Yeah, I guess.”

(He shows me how to replace the probe and I finish my work. When I go home, I calculate how long it’ll take me to pay off this $400 probe, at $6.70 an hour: about a week and a half! I’m pretty frustrated. The next day:)

Coworker #1: “Hey, did [Coworker #2] tell you that you have to pay for the pH probe you broke yesterday?”

Me: “Yeah, he did. Don’t worry; I’ll be more careful! This won’t happen again.”

Coworker #1: “That a**hole. You don’t have to pay for it! Don’t worry about it.”

Coworker #2: *leans out from his lab bench* “I can’t believe you bought that!” *laughs maniacally*

(Ever since then, when I train people, I urge them to be careful but make sure they know they don’t have to pay to replace things broken by accident!)