Be Glad You Didn’t Send Him Out For A Flux Capacitor

, , , , , , | | Working | August 12, 2019

(Some painters are painting our house inside and outside, so they are there for some weeks. The boss is constantly pranking his employees. At one time, he sends a young employee to get a skirting-board ladder. The boy gets in his car and leaves. Four hours later, he still hasn’t returned and the boss calls him on his phone.)

Boss: “Where the h*** are you? “

(Inaudible answer from the boy.)

Boss: “You are at home playing video games? Come back now!”

(The boy returns and the boss starts chewing him out.)

Boy: “I knew skirting-board ladders do not exist. So, I just had a relaxed time wondering how long it would take you to realise that your prank wasn’t all that good. Now, do you want me to get some striped paint, double-sided masking tape, brushes made of mink, or a square paint roller? I can go look for them…”

(All the other painters laughed and the boss look very embarrassed. To be fair, the boss did pay the boy for the four hours he was at home playing video games, but he also cut back on his pranks.)

At Least Someone Is Putting That To Use

, , , , , | | Legal | July 27, 2019

(We’ve recently been getting calls from one of those fake auto warranty scam businesses. We’ve told them to take us off their calling list and threatened to report them to the FCC numerous times, but they still keep calling. Today, when I pick up the phone, it’s them again.)

Robocall: “Hello! This is [Robot Caller] calling about your car’s warranty. We see from our records that your warranty is expiring soon. Would you be interested in extending your warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you be interested in extending your car’s warranty? Please answer yes or no!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Robocall: “Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Let me connect you to one of our operators. Please stay on the line!”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *elevator music*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “You’ve reached [Operator]. What extension are you trying to dial?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Excuse me? Are you trying to purchase a new warranty for your vehicle?”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “Sir, if you’re trying to purchase a new warranty, I can connect you to one of our sales representatives.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “This is not funny, sir. You can’t just call our business and waste our time with silly games.”

Me: “Impeach Trump.”


Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Operator: “I’m blocking your number! F****** idiot!” *hangs up*

Me: “Impeach Trump.”

Phone: *dial tone*

Choose Between Your Feline Or Machine Overlords

, , , , , | | Working | July 8, 2019

(Inspired by the story of the guy who tells robo-callers, “Say, ‘cheese sandwich,’” I decide to try it out when I get a call for insurance. She honestly does sound like a real person so I am a little nervous.)

Robot: “Hello! I would like to talk to you about your car insurance.”

Me: “I already have car insurance.”

Robot: “I’m not going to ask you to change it; I just want to give you options. We work with…”

(As she begins to list different companies, my cat comes up to snuggle and I get an idea.)

Me: “Oh, hey, my cat is here. Did you want to say hello? He’s really friendly.”

Robot: “I’m sorry? I didn’t quite catch that.”

Me: “My cat is here. Would you like to say hi to him?”

Robot: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “All right. Say, ‘Hello, Linden.’”

Robot: *silence*

Me: “Say, ‘Hello, Linden.’”

Robot: “Okay! I will put you on the do-not-call list.” *click*

(Fairly certain that was a robot, but still…)

The Tide Pod Has Turned

, , , , , | | Right | July 5, 2019

(I’m working drive-thru at a popular national ice cream chain. It’s a pretty slow day. There are only two teenage girls in the lobby when three teenage boys pull up to the drive-thru.)

Driver: “We’d like three—“ *mumbles* “—blizzards.”

Me: “Hot cocoa?”

Driver: “No, Tide pod blizzards.”

(It takes me a second to figure out what they are asking for and why, and then I decide to play along.)

Me: “Oh, Tide pod. What size?”

(One of the teenage girls looks over at me.)

Driver: “Medium. With extra detergent, please.”

Me: “That’ll be an extra $50; is that okay?”

(The two teenagers look really confused.)

Driver: “$50 extra? Okay.”

Me: “Okay, your total is $117.43.”

(The two girls look horrified.)

Me: “They were trying to pull a prank. Don’t worry; I’m not going to give them Tide pod blizzards.”

(The driver pulls up to the window.)

Driver: “$117.43, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

(The driver holds up a hundred and a twenty. I laugh.)

Me: “Okay, what do you really want?”

(They order, and before they pull away:)

Passenger: “We didn’t expect you to play along. It made it better.”

(They were the last customers of my shift and really made my day!)

This Specialist Is Out For Blood

, , , , , | | Healthy | July 4, 2019

A couple of weeks ago, I was working in the cardiology department and the topic of conversation between me, another medical student, and a specialist somehow drifted towards practical exams. The specialist suddenly asked us if we knew how to fail a student. Neither of us knew what she had in mind, so we shook our heads.

Then, she explained.

First, find a patient with LVAD — a mechanical implantable pump that assists the heart with pumping blood in heart failure; due to how the pump works, the patient has no palpatable pulse. And then, you give the student a regular blood-pressure monitor and instruct them to take their pulse and blood pressure.

Those poor students.

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