Oh, Brother!

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2018

(This takes place back in 80s before I am born. My mum is saying goodbye to her boyfriend at an airport. They are passionately kissing, with my mum straddled across his lap; they can barely take their hands off each other and they are being rather public about it. Eventually, they pull themselves apart and she goes to the check-in to get on the plane. In her defence, my mum has always had a wicked sense of humour.)

Air Hostess: *while at boarding gate* “Aw, saying goodbye to a loved one?”

Mum: “Yeah, that was my brother.”

Air Hostess: *literally jumps and stares at my mum in horror*

(Mum says she hopes one day that hostess realised she was joking.)

Cinnamon Host Crunch

, , , , | Related | February 21, 2018

(My friend’s younger brother is working on getting his First Communion.)

Friend: “If you pray hard enough, the host will taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

(The brother prays and prays every day up until his big day. When he comes up to receive the Sacrament, he starts weeping.)

Teacher: “Why are you crying?”

Brother: “I didn’t pray hard enough! The host doesn’t taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch!”

Dealership Slip

, , , , , | Right | February 13, 2018

(For about a month, I have been getting calls from some random guy looking for a local car dealership. Whether I am at home, in class, at work, or out with friends, he keeps trying. My cellphone number is exactly the same as theirs apart from the last number, and this guy always dials mine. One day, he calls again. I immediately recognize the number and decide to have some fun because I am so fed up with it.)

Me: “[Car Dealership]. This is Frank. How can I help you?”

Guy: “Finally! I’ve been trying to reach you guys forever, but I kept getting some kid.”

Me: “Well, that’s unfortunate. What can I help you with?”

Guy: “I’m looking for [Car], but I’m not really sure what to get.”

Me: “Not a problem. I can talk you through our options and get you into something you like.”

Guy: “Great!”

(I proceed to go to the dealership’s website and go over every feature available. By the end of the call, I have “sold” him a car, with everything he wants, for a great price. And for the record, I NEVER take any money-related information from him.)

Me: “All right, sounds like you got a great car there.”

Guy: “Oh, my God! Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Just come on down to the dealership and ask for me, and we’ll get everything squared away.”

Guy: “Excellent! I’ll see you in about an hour. Bye!”

Me: “See ya!”

(I then immediately called my carrier and changed my number. I don’t know what happened to him, but I imagine he was quite embarrassed when he arrived.)

Susceptible To Tissue Damage

, , , , , | Working | January 16, 2018

(I have just used the last tissue in my tissue box. I’m taking the empty box to the recycling bin before grabbing a new one, when I notice some computer-printed text inside the bottom of the empty box. It’s likely a production date and lot code. I tend to tease people all day, and one coworker makes it so much easier for me to do so without even trying.)

Me: “Hey, look! Wait. Is that an expiration date? Did my tissue really expire two years ago?!”

Coworker: “Really? It does? I didn’t know that! Where’s the date so I can check mine?”

An Unbelievable Amount Of Believability

, , , , , , , , | Learning | January 5, 2018

(My history teacher senior year has been funny and easy-going all year. It’s two months until graduation, and he is starting to get tired of the “senioritis” going around.)

Teacher: “From now on, if I see a cell phone out, I am collecting it in this box. And once a week, I will choose one cell phone out of the box and smash it against the wall!”

(About a week goes by as normal. Then, one day, in the middle of watching a movie, the teacher turns it off.)

Teacher: “I have had enough of this! I have told, and told, and told this class. I am sick of telling this class that I do not want to see your phones out. I’m done.” *picks up the box from his desk* “Phones. In this box. Now.”

(He goes around the room, and everyone who has their phone out puts it in the box.)

Teacher: *getting back to his desk* “Are you finding this funny? Would you find it even funnier if I just dumped these in the garbage can?” *picks up a phone and holds it over the garbage can* “Would that just make your day?”

Student #1: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “Won’t I?”

Student #2: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “I could just take these and start throwing them in here. Would that be funny to you?”

Student #1: “Well, you’re not going to do it, so…”

(Instead of dropping the phone, the teacher spins around and flings it at the wall. It breaks and falls to the floor in pieces.)

Teacher: “Was that funny?”

Student #1: “Dude, that was my phone!”

Teacher: “Did you find that amusing?”

Student #1: “You broke my phone, you a**hole!”

Teacher: “Get out! Get out of this classroom, now! Just get out of my sight!”

Student #1: “I don’t want to be here, anyway!”

(He runs out of the room and slams the door. Everything is completely silent for a moment.)

Teacher: “[Student #3], would you come here a minute?”

Student #3: *does so, looking confused because he’s been cooperative this whole time*

Teacher: “Remember back in September when I told you I could get you to believe something completely unbelievable?”

(By now the teacher was grinning like a fool. The student who left came back into the room, also grinning. He was in on it, as was another student who brought in an old cell phone for use in the prank. After explaining this, the teacher didn’t go back to teaching, but let us talk for the rest of the class. I guess he was having some “end of year fever,” too!)

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