Man Who Encases His Privates In Lead Has The Last Laugh

, , , , , , , | Healthy | November 16, 2018

I had testicular cancer and surgery, plus radiation therapy. These treatments needed a lead box closed around my privates. At the end of the last treatment, when the nurse pulled my sheet off to remove the box, he found…

A popped-out single-use turkey thermometer indicating I was done. I had saved it from the Thanksgiving turkey just to place in my navel after the treatment.

He had to run from the room before bursting into laughter.

Updates To IT Syllabus Required, As Teachers Frequently Have The Least Knowledge On Computers In The Class

, , , , , , | Learning | November 7, 2018

(It’s the early 2000s and my school has introduced a voluntary computer class. I am absolutely fascinated with computers, so naturally I sign up. I’m a bit confused why our domestic science teacher is teaching the class, but okay. Sadly, I soon come to understand that she probably got the job because she taught typewriting when that was still a thing. We immediately get off to a rough start. She asks the class what we need to build a functional computer. Eagerly, I put my hand up and start listing computer parts such as “motherboard,” “CPU,” “power supply unit,” etc., but the teacher shuts me down. She explains that, no, we need a mouse, a screen, a tower, and a keyboard. I protest that, strictly speaking, a tower alone would be a functional computer, and that there are also notebooks, but she won’t have any of it. She gives me a warning that she won’t tolerate goofing around and making up words. For the next lesson I plot the most evil revenge my geeky teenage brain can come up with, and flip the switch of the PSU on the teacher’s PC before class. Not being able to locate the problem, she has to end the lesson prematurely. As we do exclusively typewriting lessons, I drop the class a few lessons afterwards. Fast forward a few years. By now I’m an on-call IT support for a few schools to make some extra money. I’m called to my former school and, to my surprise, I meet my former teacher in the classroom that needs my attention. She explains that the computer didn’t start up after recess. I do my basic troubleshooting and, lo and behold, the switch of the PSU is flipped. Jokingly, I ask:)

Me: “Okay, who did this?”

(The students do give away the culprit by all turning their heads around to him simultaneously. The teacher is furious and sends him to the principal. I feel sorry for ratting him out and insist I accompany him and the teacher to the principal to give a factual account of what he did.)

Teacher: “He broke my PC! I want him formally reprimanded and a note sent to his parents.”

Me: “No, he simply pulled off the oldest and most benign computer prank in the books. He flipped the PSU switch.” *gesturing to it on the principal’s PC* “Really, if it helps to smooth things over, I will not bill you for this call. It really wasn’t a big deal. I’m pretty sure most people, and most certainly all of your students, could have fixed that if [Teacher] had asked them.”

Principal: “Okay. But, [Student], why did you even do this?”

Student: “I really just wanted to do a small prank. My dad told me a classmate of his did this and [Teacher] couldn’t fix it for half an hour before dismissing the class. I didn’t think she would fall for it again. I’m really sorry.”

Me: *having to stifle my laughter*

Principal: “Is everything all right?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m afraid this one is apparently partially my fault. I was that classmate. I was furious at [Teacher] because she ridiculed me in front of class, saying CPU is a made-up word.”

Teacher: *slowly realizing who I am* “Wait… You are… No! I never said CBU is a made up word!”

Student: “My dad actually told me this, too.”

Principal: *sighs* “Okay, I’m not going to send his parents a note or reprimand him. [Teacher], you’re free to give him an extra exercise as punishment. That should be enough.”

(I felt kind of bad for undermining her authority in front of the principal, but it was about time she realized that she was the person with the least knowledge about computers in the computer class she was teaching. From what I heard from students the next time I was there, it really did help. She now asks students what they want to learn, and lets students do presentations in between typewriting lessons. I hope she also learns a thing or two.)

An Old Faithful Prank

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(This sounds like an old joke, but I swear it happened. We are in the checkout line at a hotel in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The clerk asks the woman how her stay was.)

Woman: “Oh, this part of it was good, but now we have to go home.”

Clerk: “Yeah, I know. It’s no fun when your vacation is over.”

Woman: “Yeah, we were going to go to Yellowstone, but Old Faithful is closed this week, so we have to come back another time.”

Clerk: *with a strange look on his face* “Closed? Who told you that?”

Woman: “We were talking to some people in the restaurant last night, and they told us it was closed for cleaning.”

Clerk: “No, ma’am. It’s a natural hot spring geyser. It will still keep erupting a hundred years from now… I think someone was pulling your leg!”

(I have to give the clerk lots of credit, though. He waited until they were outside to start laughing.)

That Prank Didn’t Bring Home The Bacon

, , , , | Right | October 15, 2018

(Years ago I heard classmates talk about a prank where you’d go to a burger shop and order a cheeseburger without cheese and have fun without how flustered the cashier becomes. A few years later, I am working as a cashier at a burger shop and a group of teenagers walks in.)

Teenager: *the rest of group tries to stifle some giggling* “I’d like a cheeseburger with extra bacon, without bacon, without cheese.”

Me: *genuinely deadpan* “So, a cheeseburger with extra bacon, without bacon, without cheese?”

Teenager: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I enter exactly that, because extra bacon causes the price to go up, but the instruction to not remove bacon does not lower the price again.)

Me: “Your food will be ready in a moment.”

Teenager: “So, a cheeseburger with extra bacon, without bacon, without cheese?”

Me: “That is what you ordered, isn’t it?”

(Not sure if there is anything to learn from this story, but I hope the “prank” was worth the fifty cents.)

This Is The Scam That Doesn’t End

, , , , , , | Working | October 9, 2018

Scam Caller: *recording* “This is the final notice about your credit card. Please press one to be connected to an agent to resolve this issue.”

Me: *presses one*

Scam Caller: “Hello. How are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine. Could you please hold?”

Scam Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Thank you!”

(I cued up a ten-hour YouTube video of Lamb Chop’s “This is the song that doesn’t end,” and took the dogs for a walk. Yes, I keep a hot-link to this video now, for this exact purpose. But I’m a little surprised; usually they hang up after the first few seconds, but this scammer lasted a couple of minutes at least. And the dogs had a nice little walk.)


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