J Is For “Jerk”

, , , , , | Working | February 24, 2021

I am clearly the bad guy in this story. My coworker struggles with the phonetic alphabet — A for “alpha,” etc. — and with her accent, it makes telephone communication difficult. So, she made and laminated a little helper sheet with all of the alphabet on it.

One boring afternoon, I photocopied the sheet and changed some of the words around — nothing too bad or offensive. Some are really subtle and others are just obvious — T for “tea” and G for “gnome.”

I kind of forget about it and eventually leave the company. Months later, I happen to speak to a guy I used to work with.

Guy: “Yeah, it’s not great. A load of people left and it’s not the same.”

Me: “Oh, really? I hadn’t heard. Like who?”

He rattles off a long list, including my coworker.

Me: “She left? Oh, I will have to reach out to her.”

Guy: “Yeah, do that. She is doing really well, but her replacement is really odd.”

Me: “Oh?”

Guy: “Just a real oddball all round — like when she spells things out, she uses weird words, P for ‘put-put.’ Who does that?”

It is then I remember that was an exact word I used on the copy.

Me: “Maybe she needs a guide to phonetics; you could print one off for her.”

Guy: “Good idea. I’ll do that.”

I never admitted the prank that lived on two generations, but I hope it got sorted in the end.

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The Mac Versus Windows Battle Rages On

, , , | Legal | February 23, 2021

I receive a phone call from an unrecognized number. I know it’s likely a scam, but I’m bored so I answer.

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Generic Caucasian Name spoken in a foreign accent] and I’m calling because we received an alert that your computer has been infected.”

Me: “Oh, no! What will I do?”

Scammer: “You have to log onto your computer immediately and I’ll remotely access it to remove it for you.”

Me: “Okay! Which computer?”

Scammer: “Your Windows computer.”

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “The one with Windows on it.”

Me: “I have two computers. They both have Windows on them.”

Scammer: “…”

Me: “Just kidding. I have an iMac and MacBook. Can I still get a Windows bug, though?”

He hung up.

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What A Fowl Prank

, , , , , , | Right | February 22, 2021

Working in a grooming salon, we tend to get some strange requests. One day, my coworker comes to the back and says she has just been talking to a “crazy” man in the lobby.

An older man came into the lobby and stood for a few minutes before talking to my coworker

Man: “My kids brought me a pet and I want to get it a bath.”

Coworker: “Certainly, do you have a dog or cat?”

Man: “It’s about this big by this big.” 

He held his hands about two feet apart and then indicated about a foot and a half high.

Coworker: “All right, sir, what breed of dog is it?”

Man: “It’s a turkey.”

Coworker: “Oh, um, sorry, sir, we don’t do baths on turkeys.”

Man: “How about raccoons?”

I joked with her that he was a little confused; prank calls work better over the phone.

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Someone’s Gonna Catch It

, , , , , , | Working | February 19, 2021

It’s a really busy Saturday, but we’re in a slow period at the moment. Five of my staff have headsets on, including me, a new cashier, and our security guard.

Cashier: “Hey, [My Name], I have a question for you.”

Me: “Go for it.”

Cashier: “Is your refrigerator running?”

Me: *Pauses* “If you have enough time up there to be making jokes, then you’re not busy enough, and I can fix that for you.”

There’s a moment of silence as this is pondered.

Security: “Nope, we’re good. He’s got lots of stuff to do up here.”

He doesn’t release the talk button in time and I hear his last sentence.

Security: “You’re an idiot. I told you that wouldn’t work on her.”

I couldn’t stop laughing and I got a bunch of weird looks from the customers.

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Hellfire Is What You’ll Get

, , , , , , , | Working | February 5, 2021

Several members of the IT staff are ex-military, but I’m not. This has led to a lot of pranks and jokes between the IT techs.

I notice a technician passing through a hallway one day when our printer isn’t working.

Me: “Hey, [Tech], printer two is down again.”

Tech: “Ugh. We need to get that repaired for real.”

Me: “I’m putting in an order for parts for a few new monitors. Want me to add anything?”

Tech: “Yeah, add in, um… a new AGM-114.”

He leaves without explaining what that part is. I dutifully submit the order with “Part: AGM-114” and “Purpose: printer repair.” Ten minutes later, an IT higher-up comes storming into our office waving my order.

IT Supervisor: “What smarta** ordered a Hellfire missile for the printers?!”

We are no longer allowed to order parts from IT by serial number only.

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