Why Younger People Text

, , , , , , | Related | November 23, 2019

(I stay with my grandma most summers while my father works. I’m about eight years old, watching TV inside, and Grandma is outside working on her truck. Her landline phone rings.)

Me: *loudly through the open door* “Grandma! The phone is ringing!”

Grandma: “I’ve got oil on my hands; can you answer it and tell them I’ll be right there?”

Me: “Hello–“

Caller: *shouting* “You’re in so much trouble! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! I’m gonna call the sheriff on you and you’re gonna get arrested! And go to jail!

(I hang up and burst into tears just as my grandma walks in.)

Grandma: “Honey, what happened? Why are you crying?”

Me: *blubbering* “The man on the phone was yelling at meeeee! He— He said he was gonna send me to jaaaaaail!”

(The phone rings again and Grandma snatches it off the receiver.)

Grandma: “Who is… [Grandma’s Brother]? Oh, Lord, do you have any idea what you just did, you idiot?”

(Turns out, Grandma’s brother, who lived nearby, noticed he was driving behind Grandma’s truck earlier in the day and that she had a tail light out. He figured he’d call his little sister up and “threaten” to call the sheriff — the sheriff at the time being their older brother. And the reason he was yelling into the phone? He was half-deaf at that point and too stubborn to wear his hearing aids. It took Grandma ten minutes to get me to stop crying, and I didn’t answer her phone again for a month!)

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Ordering A Cake For Admiral Longsword

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2019

(I pick up the phone and get treated to this conversation:)

Me: “[Bakery]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh, yeah, my friends and I wanted to order a sheet cake for our buddies who are coming back from serving overseas in the army.”

Me: “All right, let me just get some information from you.”

(I ask him for details about what kind of cake he wants and he answers.)

Customer: “And you can write a message on the cake, right?”

Me: “Yeah. What do you want it to say?”

Customer: “Okay, we want it to say, ‘Thanks for standing tall and proud…'”

(I think I can hear him snickering slightly, which confuses me.)

Customer: “‘Your long, hard ordeal is finally over.'”

(Now, I can hear other people in the background trying to stifle laughter.)

Customer: “And then we… And then we want their names written on it.”

Me: *not buying it anymore* “Uh-huh.”

Customer: “Staff Sergeant Rod Johnson, Private Jimmy Wang, Rifleman Dick Peters, Gunner’s Mate Willy Cox.”

(The guy on the phone and his buddies were all cracking up.)

Me: “Aren’t you forgetting Schmuck Phallusworth? Or is that who I’m speaking to?”

(Bellows of outrageous laughter erupted from the phone before I hung up.)

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Prank Calling From China

, , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(I’m sitting in a park with my mom, playing with my phone, when I get a call from an unknown number. As I never get calls, I answer out of curiosity.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *very clearly a child* “Hi, yeah. You just won a trip to Paris.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Caller: “Yeah, and you have to go to China to get the tickets.”

(I think to myself, “Wow, what a creative prank call,” and decide to call them out on their attempt.)

Me: “Mhm. Since you have my number, I will guess this is one of the little kids from [Local Pokemon Go Chat Group].”

(To my surprise, the kid on the other end starts spewing out the foulest string of insults a person could muster. I wait a few minutes, turning to look at my mother staring confusedly at me.)

Me:And since I now have your number, I will be calling the police.”

Caller: *click*

(I started explaining to my mom what was happening, and not ten seconds later, I got a text that read, “We are sorry. Please don’t call the cops! It was just a joke and it was my friend, anyway.” We laughed all the way home.)

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Scare A Scammer With Something Illegal

, , | Legal | November 3, 2019

(I have a scammer constantly calling my home and cell about a vehicle warranty. To double-check myself, I read through the warranty I do have, leading me to believe this is a scammer. They do somehow know my car and my name, but the warranty isn’t due to expire until next year. After this last one, I decide to have a little fun.)

Scammer: “Hello, is this [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

Scammer: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of your 2016 Dodge Dart. Its warranty has run out and I need to renew it for you.”

Me: *quickly realizing this is the scammer* “My car?”

Scammer: “Yes, miss, do you still have it?”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, no! I sold it for drug money! Heroin is expensive, you know!”

Scammer: “I… I… I… B-but… Uh…”

Mom: *instantly cracks up laughing*

Dad: “What did she just say?”

Brother: “[My Name]!”

Me: “Huh, they hung up. What’s with you all?”

(My mother laughed for a good while, which was the first time in a while, and I haven’t been called back in a few days… so far.)

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Honey, I’m Home!

, , , , , | Related | October 29, 2019

(It is 1996 and I am ten years old. My friend and I are hanging out in my room. My dad has been gone for a long weekend with his friends on a trip riding dirt bikes. My dad gets home Monday evening and parks our motorhome in the driveway without any of us realizing he is home. He also manages to come inside without anyone hearing him. Getting to the kitchen where my mom is, he realizes that she still has not noticed his arrival. He walks up behind her and leans his head over her shoulder. Very quietly, my dad whispers one word into her ear.)

Dad: *quietly* “Boo.”

(My friend and I were able to hear my mom’s scream through the kitchen door and up the stairs.)

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