A patient walks in. I don’t like her; she uses fatuities like “Thank you, dear,” and “That’s wonderful, honey,” to cover the fact that she lacks either the hearing or the brainpower to comprehend what is said to her.

Patient: “Good morning. I wanted to make sure I was early.”

Me: “Good morning, Mrs. [Patient]. You’re here because of pain in your upper right. Please have a seat out here in the waiting room. Someone will bring you in shortly.”

I now leave the front desk to update the staff on the new arrival. (Yes, in person. We are an old-fashioned office.) As I return, the patient is attempting to head back down the hall.

Patient: “Will somebody help me? I have sciatica. It’s hard for me to walk. I need help!”

Me: “Do you need to use the restroom?”

Patient: *Becoming increasingly frazzled.* “I have sciatica! It’s hard for me to walk!! Will somebody help me?!”

Me: “May I ask where you’re going?”

Patient: “You told me to head back there!”

Me: “…In point of fact, I asked you to have a seat in the waiting room. May I assist you in doing so?”

Patient: “I can’t believe it. Here—” *Handing me her bags.* “—hold these. Why do they always do this to me EVERY time!”

Well, ma’am, if you keep having the same problem at every medical office, the only thing in common with all those visits is you…

Me: *Picking up the phone.* “Hello, you’ve reached [Dental Office], this is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to find out the timing of an appointment for my spouse, John Smith.”

Me: “Err… We don’t have anyone by that name. Could I have the patient’s last name?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s Smith [And Then A Bunch Of Other Syllables I Left Off]. Didn’t you hear me?”

Me: “Ah, yes, I have found a patient with the name John-[Lots-More-Syllables] Smith-[Lots-More-Syllables]. His appointment is on [date].”

Caller: “I need to reschedule it.”

Me: “Okay. May I ask the nature of the scheduling conflict, so that I know what options to offer you?”

Caller: “He is in the hospital. Didn’t you hear me?”

Me: *Wondering when my hearing supposedly gave out.* “Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. Do, err, do you have any idea when he’ll be out?”

Caller: “I need to cancel it entirely. Didn’t you hear me?”

Me: “Yes, I can see how that might be simpler. Why don’t you call us when he is released with a clean bill of health?”

Caller: “Did you cancel the appointment? I need to make sure, since you don’t seem to be listening.”

Me: “…Yes, the appointment is canceled.”

Caller: “Thank you. Good-bye.”

I wonder how she’s going to react the next time she tries to order a sandwich and only gets the half she said out loud.

Today I went to the endodontist to get a root canal. As he was about to give me a numbing shot, he found out that the “internet was down”.

Dentist: “I can’t do anything until the internet is back up.”

So, I am patiently waiting for them to resolve the issue. I could hear they were trying to talk with IT support.

After some time, I told the dentist:

Me: “I am a software engineer. Perhaps I can help?”

Dentist: “Sure!”

He shows me the server where he stores patient data. He had three patient rooms with computers connecting to this server.

The internet wasn’t really down. The clients just weren’t able to connect to the server. He allowed me to touch the computers. I checked and was able to successfully ping the server from the client computers. So, what’s going on?

I watched the IT person remotely try to use the software. I notice they are trying to connect to it using a domain name. I checked, is the domain pointing to the right IP? No, it isn’t! I get the software to connect to the IP. This works!

The doctor happily thanks me and gives me the numbing shot. Then, a minute later, the software stops using the IP. Something in it remembered the old server name. They went back to their IT guy, trying to fix it.

With my numbed mouth, I went ahead and just updated the hosts file on all the computers to point the domain to the IP number. This worked. They did the root canal.

The dentist thanked me:

Dentist: “I was going to have to close for the day if not for you.”

They didn’t charge me the $250 copay for the root canal!

I left a note for the IT guy who was supposed to come the next day, about what I did, and my suggestions about what he should do next.

Wish every issue in life were this simple to resolve!

I have always had pretty good teeth, to the point that at the point of this story, when I was twenty-seven, I had never had any fillings. Each visit to the dentist and/or hygienist, I was always told what great teeth I had and how well I cleaned.

So, I went to my six-monthly cleaning, not expecting to see the dentist, since I had seen him at the previous cleaning. The hygienist had just finished telling me what amazing teeth I had and what a good job I was doing.

Then the dentist came in. Not my regular dentist, but a new guy. He told me he had just bought the practice. After looking in my mouth, he told me I would need twenty-four “preventative” fillings. The hygienist looked shocked. I must have looked shocked, too, as he said, “Don’t worry, you have insurance, right? It won’t cost you anything!” This was a big red flag, right there.

The dentist got a mirror and showed me some light staining (I am a major tea and coffee drinker), and gave some explanation as to why this should be fixed with fillings.

I left as soon as I could, made an appointment at the dental office across the road for a second opinion (new dentist told me my teeth were very strong and did not need fillings), and never went back to the other guy. Twenty years later, I still haven’t needed any fillings!

I’m working the reception and check-in desk at a dentist’s office. One of the dentists comes out of his office at the start of his lunch break.

Dentist: “Why is it taking so long to get everything done today? It feels like it’s taking patients five to ten minutes to walk from the waiting room to see me.”

I point to the TV in the waiting room.

Me: “Remember what day it is, and realize why they’d be showing a marathon of the OG Star Wars trilogy.”

Dentist: “Oh! It’s May The Fourth! Wait, are you telling me patients who are here to see me are slow to make their appointment… because of the TV?”

Me: “I’m definitely telling you that. When I call out names to be seen, I have to do it loudly and multiple times because they’re too busy watching the TV.”

Dentist: “Well, I guess that explains it.”

Me: “Did you want me to switch channels?”

Dentist: “Later. Looks like the Empire is about to attack Hoth.” *Sits down and spends his entire lunch hour watching ‘The Empire Strikes Back.’*