Customer: “I need to go to the billing department. Where is the first floor?”
Me: “You can use the stairs here or take that elevator over there.”
Customer: “That’s not what I asked, I asked, where is the first floor?!”
Me: “…underneath the second floor?”
Customer: “There! Was that so hard?”
Me: “I… I really don’t know.”
I was working at a Canadian Tire back in the early 2000s.
Customer: “I’m looking for this specific outdoor patio set.”
Me: “Looks like we’re out of stock, but the [next town location] has a couple left. I can call them to put one on hold for you?”
Customer: “That’s okay, I just wanted to see it in person for now. I’m moving down to Washington and was hoping to pick it up there. What’s the nearest Canadian Tire there?”
Me: “That… would be the one you’re standing in now, sir.”
Customer: “There isn’t a Canadian Tire in Seattle?!”
Me: “There are no Canadian Tires in America.”
Customer: “Huh?! Why?”
I explained it to the customer and then laughed with a coworker about it afterward.
For weeks after that, the entire department would be caught singing the chorus of the song ” There Are No Cats in America” from “An American Tail,” but changing the wording to those I used with the customer.
Because our department store has a large toy section, my manager had a process for dealing with customers who did this:
Customer: “I’m just going to leave my son here in the toy section while I shop.”
The boy looked no more than four or five.
Manager: *Looking at me, shouting loudly.* “[My Name]! Take this kid back to the office and call the police to tell them that a parent just abandoned their kid with a total stranger and walked off!”
Customer: *Hissing and taking her kid back.* “Alright! Alright! Jesus, so dramatic!”
In the few years I worked there, the manager’s process always worked. He wouldn’t mind if older kids were left to browse quietly, but the younger kids would always get this treatment.
It wasn’t a bluff either, as one parent still left their young kid in the toy section despite this, and he called the police. The parent was not happy, but my manager said to this mother as she was being escorted out by the police:
Manager: “I did the exact things I said I was going to do, and you’re mad at me?”
If parents left their kids in our section and didn’t tell us, the manager would make a store announcement along the same lines:
Manager: “To the customer who has lost a child, they are in the toy section. We will call the police to pick them up if you’re not here within ten minutes.”
That always worked as it gave the benefit of the doubt to cases where kids would genuinely wander off but was also passive-aggressive enough to shame the entitled parents who thought they could use the toy department as a daycare.
I’m at the returns/customer service desk at the department store. A customer is making a return ahead of me, holding a box for what looks like a pretty expensive replica lightsaber.
Customer: “I need to return this. It’s… not sold as advertised.”
Customer Service Worker: “What about it is not as advertised?”
Customer: “It doesn’t cut through anything!”
Customer Service Worker: “Sir, you know this isn’t a real lightsaber, right?”
Customer: “But it’s red!”
Customer Service Worker: “Yes, because this is a Sith lightsaber replica, but it’s still a replica.”
Customer: “I could imagine if it was a blue or green one, as they’re… good, y’know? But a red one, you’d expect it to… cut stuff.”
Customer Service Worker: “That’s not really a thing, sir. They’re all replicas, regardless of color.”
Customer: “Exactly! So, you see why it’s not as advertised?”
The worker didn’t, but the receipt showed the item was clearly within the return window, so he accepted it and got the customer to leave. I step up.
Me: “I need to return this Lego Death Star. It doesn’t blow up a single planet!”
The customer servce worker fixes me with a pained look, before I smile and hand over a phone charging cable.
Me: “Also, this doesn’t work.”
The worker smiles with relief, and we share a few laughs about unreasonable return requests both here AND in galaxies far far away.
I used to work in a department store that had a big catalog that customers could look through either in-store or at home.
Customer: “I want to order these curtains.”
Me: “I can do that for you! What color did you want?”
Customer: “The red ones, but what shade of red are they?”
Me: “The catalog has a picture of them here, and it lists them as dark red.”
Customer: “Yes, but what exact shade?”
Me: “I’m afraid I only have the same information as you do in the catalog.”
Customer: “Yes, but is it closer to cherry? Mahogany? Scarlet? Ruby?”
Me: “I… don’t know, ma’am. I just know that it’s called ‘dark red’ in the catalog, and you can see a picture of it.”
Customer: “A picture can be different from the real thing. Can you go to the back and check?”
Me: “We don’t carry that color in stock at this time. It would need to come from our warehouse.”
Customer: “What if I order it and I don’t like the shade of red?”
Me: “We have a thirty-day return window, ma’am.”
Customer: “Can I talk to your warehouse?”
Me: “We don’t have a number for them.”
Customer: “Can I talk to your manager?”
Me: “Certainly!”
I call my manager over, happy to be done with this particular customer.
About five minutes later, my manager walks over to me, shows me the same red curtain in the catalog, and asks:
Manager: “Does this look more like a Spanish Carmine, or a Japanese Carmine to you?”
Me: “Do you know what either of those are?”
Manager: “One of the many shades of red my face is displaying, trying to make this customer happy…”
I was later told the customer was happy with the description of ‘rhubarb’ as the color and ordered a set.
