(I work in maintenance. I’m cleaning a spill as this occurs.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You’re cleaning a gross mess.”

Me: “Well, yes. I’m maintenance.”

Customer: “But you’re a lady. Ladies shouldn’t clean gross messes unless it’s for their kids. They should get a man to do your job.”

Me: *speechless until she left*

CONTENT WARNING: Physical Assault

(As floor manager, I have a phone on me that employees can call if they have issues. I get a call from an employee who says she has a customer who wants to speak to a manager about a return. I can hear the angry customer yelling in the background, so I radio security as a precaution. When I get there, the customer is red-faced and yelling at the employee. He looks at me and rolls his eyes.)

Customer: “I said I wanted to speak to a manager! Manager! Not for you to call a friend over! This is bulls***!”

Employee: “She is the manager.”

Customer: “Bulls***.”

(I tap my metal nametag, which says my name and, “Manager,” and reassure him that I am the manager.)

Customer: “Bulls***! You think you can get away with a fake nametag and get out of trouble? I want the real manager now!”

Me: “I am the manager, and if you don’t lower your voice, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

(Suddenly, the customer lunged at me and grabbed my arm, pushing me back against the counter, and started trying to rip my nametag off of my jacket. He succeeded in basically grabbing and groping my breast while I tried to get away, before the pin back popped open, gouging me. Suddenly, one of my plain-clothes security guards appeared, grabbed the guy from the back, and pulled him to the ground. The guy finally stopped fighting and the police took him in. I had a cut, and bruises on my upper arm and chest. We had a mountain of paperwork between the assault and the fact that a security guard got physically involved. I found out that in his defence, they guy kept repeating that he thought I was a fake manager, and therefore that the assault should be okay!)

(I get a call from an employee about a child who is causing some issues, and has been wandering unsupervised for a half hour. The kid is about two or three years old, no parent around. The child has taken makeup samples and is smearing them on the floor and on himself, “finger painting,” and making a huge mess. Besides this, the kid seems dirty and his clothes are torn.)

Me: “Hey there. What’s your name? Where is your mommy?”

(The kid doesn’t answer. One employee talks to the kid and get his name out, but when asked where his parents are, the child shakes his head and starts crying loudly. Security for the store comes down, and we take the kid behind the counter where it’s quieter and give him a promotional plush toy to calm him down. Security starts making an announcement.)

Security: “One of our smallest shoppers seems to have lost his adults. Please report to any cashier if you need help.”

(No one responds, and mall security shows up and says the police are on their way. It’s now been over an hour since my initial call, and because of all of the circumstances, we are worried the child was abandoned at the mall. Store security takes the child to their office. I get a call that police have arrived with a CPS officer, and I go down to meet them and take them to the office. Halfway down to the door, a well-dressed woman stops me.)

Woman: “Hey, where did you take [Son]? I’m ready to go now.”

Me: “I… What? We’ve been paging you for a while.”

Woman: “Oh, I thought those were for someone else. I knew where he was. I left him to play by the makeup while I bought a purse. I saw he even got a free stuffed animal! But it’s time to go now. Where did you put him?”

Me: “Ma’am, wait right here. There’s some people you have to talk to.”

(The police and CPS found her story to be as weird as I did, and I spent the next month receiving angry phone calls from her and threats of lawsuits because CPS investigated her.)

(I’m working in the electronic department when I overhear a woman saying, “You can get whatever you want, since we just sold our house!” near the game case. She comes over to me a moment later asking for help.)

Customer: “We would like the [Game Console], the 500 GB one. Wait. Is that a 1 TB?”

Me: “Yep, and it comes with the same game! You get a lot more space with the 1 TB.”

Son: *to mother* “I want the 500 GB one!”

Customer: “No, you’re going to get the 1 TB one. You can get the higher-quality one! It’s fine!”

Me: *unlocks the doors and grabs the console* “Would you like any other games at all today?”

Customer: *to son* “What headset did you want?!”

Son: *pointing at a cheaper one* “This one!”

Customer: “No! You’ll get the more expensive one! I told you we sold the house! You can get what you want!”

Son: “Yeah, I want this one!”

Customer: “NO! You’ll get that one.” *pointing to a headset that is $10 more underneath the one her son wants*

Customer: *to me* “Get him that one!”

(I unlock the headset for her, and as I’m about to hand the headset to her son…)

Customer: *to son* “No, have her put everything in the cart and push it for us!”

Son: “What?!”

Customer: “You heard me! Have her put everything in our cart, and she can push it for us!”

Husband: *who was off in another aisle* “Wait? What are you making her do?!”

Customer: “I’m making her push the cart for us!”

Husband: “Uh… No?” *to me* “We’d also like to get a three-month online card for it.”

Customer: *to me* “And push the cart, too!”

(I put the items in the cart for her, move the cart a foot over to the next aisle, and grab an online card for them.)

Me: “Would you like to pay for this all back at our counter, or up front today?”

(If she takes it up front, I’ll have to walk the console up there.)

Customer: “Back here, obviously!”

(The husband pushes the cart to my counter, which is really only a few steps away. I’m ringing up items when the protection program window pops up; it’ll do it for each item. They are in the middle of a conversation, so I don’t want to interrupt.)

Me: “Sorry… Would you like the extended protection plan on any of your items today?”

(I am ignored.)

Me: “I’m sorry.”

(The woman stops and glares at me.)

Me: “Would you like the extended protection plan on any of your items today?”

Customer: “NO!”

(I finish ringing and bagging her items — minus the console and TV because they don’t fit — and she inserts her card. It’s waiting for her to sign, but she’s busy talking to her family so she doesn’t see it.)

Me: “I’m sorry, looks like it needs a signature to process your card.”

Customer: “Ugh.” *signs*

Me: “All righty, thank you. Have a good rest of your—”

Customer: *to husband* “She needs to put a paid sticker on [Console]!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have paid stickers.” *the consoles don’t fit in our regular bags* “If you’d like, I could put it in our larger bags that we used for Christmas… Let me see if I still have some… Oh, I do!”

Customer: “Whatever.”

Me: *bags it up* “Thank you and have a wonderful day!”

(I was ignored. Again.)

(My father is totally blind. This story takes place back when many women still wear real furs. My mother’s winter coat has worn out, and she and my father are in a department store shopping for a new one. As my mother is browsing, my father grows bored and starts feeling the various coats around around him. He comes upon a fur coat that is thick and plush, and believes it to be on a mannequin.)

Father: “Hey, [Mom]. Come look at the coat on this dummy!”

(My mother turns around and is horrified to see my father running his hands all over an extremely angry, elderly woman in an expensive fur.)

Other Customer: “EXCUSE ME?!”

Mother: “We’re so sorry, ma’am!” *drags my father away, who is doubled over laughing*

(I’m still don’t know if he legitimately thought it was a mannequin as he claims, or he just wanted an excuse to leave!)