The Home School Fool

, , , , | Friendly | November 12, 2019

(I am visiting another state to attend a convention that my dad volunteers for every year. My mother and I are out shopping for some snacks. An old lady seems to be following us through the grocery store, until she finally speaks up.)

Old Lady: “Why aren’t you in school?”

Mom: “We’re on vacation.”

(It’s not a lie. I am still being homeschooled at this time, but during the convention I don’t have to do any school work.)

Old Lady: “That’s irresponsible! You shouldn’t go on vacation during the school year. Your daughter isn’t going to pass her classes.”

Me: “It’s fine. I’m homeschooled so I can do my work whenever I want.”

(The old lady is aghast at this point, so I slide closer to my mom. We’ve had so many interactions like this that I know what’s coming.)

Old Lady: “Homeschooled?! How horrible! You’ll never get into college or get a good job! And how will you get a husband with such poor socialization?”

Mom: “Hey! Don’t talk to my daughter that way. Get away from us.”

(The old lady grabs my mom’s arm and yanks her towards her. The cashier sees this happen and picks up the phone while the old lady chews out my mom.)

Old Lady: “You are ruining her life! She’s going to be stupid and too shy to do anything!”

Me: “Let go of my mom!”

Old Lady: “Don’t talk back to your elders!”

(She raises her hand to me, but my mom blocks her and then pulls her own arm away.)

Mom: “If you touch either of us again, I will be pressing charges. Look up, dumba**. You’re on camera, and the cashier already called the cops.”

(The old lady backed off and went back to shopping as if nothing had ever happened. When the police finally arrived, they took everyone’s statements but did little else.)

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Prank Calling From China

, , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(I’m sitting in a park with my mom, playing with my phone, when I get a call from an unknown number. As I never get calls, I answer out of curiosity.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *very clearly a child* “Hi, yeah. You just won a trip to Paris.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Caller: “Yeah, and you have to go to China to get the tickets.”

(I think to myself, “Wow, what a creative prank call,” and decide to call them out on their attempt.)

Me: “Mhm. Since you have my number, I will guess this is one of the little kids from [Local Pokemon Go Chat Group].”

(To my surprise, the kid on the other end starts spewing out the foulest string of insults a person could muster. I wait a few minutes, turning to look at my mother staring confusedly at me.)

Me:And since I now have your number, I will be calling the police.”

Caller: *click*

(I started explaining to my mom what was happening, and not ten seconds later, I got a text that read, “We are sorry. Please don’t call the cops! It was just a joke and it was my friend, anyway.” We laughed all the way home.)

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Getting Carriage Away

, , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(In Brisbane, where I live, passenger trains typically have six carriages. Carriages two and five are designated “quiet carriages,” and passengers are requested not to talk loudly or play loud music or electronic devices. I like sitting in these carriages on my way to and from work because I’m very much an introvert and struggle with having a lot of people around me. These little areas of — relative — peace and tranquility make my hour-long commute so much more bearable. This story starts a couple of stops down the line from mine when a lady gets up out of her seat, walks to the door area, and loudly announces:)

Passenger: “Hello, train people!” 

(She then starts to ramble on about getting up and moving, and says something about dancing before playing some music on her phone. She then turns to the nearest person, which happens to be me, and tries to get me up to dance. At this, I simply pull one of my earbuds out of my ear, point to the “quiet carriage” sign on the window, and say:)

Me: “Just so you know, this is a quiet carriage.”

(She looks where I’m pointing, reads the bit about no loud music or talking, turns back to me, and says:)

Passenger: “Oh, do you want me to get off, then?”

(I am a bit taken aback that she hasn’t even made the smallest attempt to apologise for disturbing the carriage, so I say:)

Me: “Actually, if you don’t mind, that’d be great.”

Passenger: “I’ve got so much love in my heart. Do you need a hug?”

(I’m not proud of my reply, but all I want is to do was sit in peace on my way to work.)

Me: “No, I need you to shut up.”

(It did the trick, though, because she packed up her stuff and moved to another carriage.)

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This Conversation Went South Super Fast

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2019

(Something they never tell you until you move to a southern state is that Southerners get very touchy about what actually constitutes “The South.” It’s a particularly sore spot in places like Oklahoma, where geographically the state straddles three different regions. My boyfriend is Oklahoma born and bred, and has some strong opinions on the culture.)

Friend: “Oh, c’mon, Oklahoma isn’t the South! You gotta earn your cowboy boots!”

Boyfriend: What?! Oklahoma historically invented cowboy culture! You’re from Virginia! All you invented was f****** slavery!”

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Dogs>People

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 10, 2019

My three-year-old daughter recently got a betta fish as a first pet, and one afternoon we go to the local pet store to buy a decoration for his tank. She picks out a yellow submarine and proudly walks it to the checkout counter.

As I’m paying, I feel something large and fuzzy bump into me, sending my daughter a few steps back, as well. A massive dog has jumped onto the counter and pulled the submarine down, breaking it. The dog is bigger than my daughter and she begins to cry because she can’t get to me. 

The woman holding the dog gives a token apology while doing little to rein the dog in. I have to move past the dog and pick up my daughter, who is starting to cry. The lady then proceeds to say there’s no reason to worry; her dog is fine — I wasn’t worried about the dog.

She then proceeds to talk to the clerk checking me out, demanding to know if another employee is working, all while he’s still trying to process my payment. 

The clerk discounts the damaged submarine and I head out, clutching my crying daughter, all while the woman with the dog that’s too big for her to control sits there, unsure why everyone is upset. I’ve always liked dogs, but now I know I don’t like dog people!

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