Flagged Down The Right Guy

, , , , , | Friendly | May 16, 2018

(I am volunteering at a major international sporting event as a venue host, so I answer customer’s questions, show them to their seats, etc. All the flags of the participating nations in this particular event are hanging from the ceiling of the venue. I am also a huge geography nerd.)

Customer: “Excuse me; do you which country has that white and maroon flag?”

Me: “That is Latvia.”

Customer: “Oh. What about that red, green, and white one?”

Me: “That’s Belarus.”

Customer: “Did you guys have to memorize all this stuff?”

Me: “No, sir, you just happened to ask the right person about this stuff.”

Periodic Jerks Are An Occupational Hazard

, , , , | Friendly | May 15, 2018

(I work as a cashier at a grocery store. In my line there are two people, both males in their late teens or early 20s. [Customer #1]’s items are a box of maxi-pads and ice cream. [Customers #2] starts laughing.)

Customer #2: “Look at him! Is it that time of the month for your girlfriend, or are you a [transgender slur]? And what’s with the ice cream? Cheating on your diet or somethin’?”

([Customer #1] is not particularly muscular, but definitely not out of shape. After I scan his items, he turns to the guy and glares at them.)

Customer #1: “Not that it’s any of your business, but my little sister got her period for the first time. She’s the only female in the house, so we didn’t have pads on hand. I’m also buying her favorite ice cream to cheer her up, since she wasn’t looking forward to it.”

([Customer #2] turns red and goes to another checkout.)

Me: “Your total is [total] and thank you.”

Customer #1: “For what?”

Me: “For putting him in his place. That guy buys condoms almost every week, brags about his girlfriend, and yet flirts with every female cashier, myself included.”

Customer #1: “I feel bad for his parents.”

Eats People Like You For Breakfast

, , , | Friendly | May 14, 2018

(At my university there’s always a cooked breakfast on offer that I never fail to get every day, because it’s delicious, the staff are friendly, and it usually keeps me going until I leave campus for the day. Today is no different, and I’m having a great conversation with the server while we wait for my toast to cook. A woman comes storming over, grabs my shoulders, and pushes me back while pretending to look at the food. I’m autistic and don’t like being touched at the best of times, so I decide to say something.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss? I was here first. You need to wait your turn behind me, and please don’t just grab people like you just did me. It’s rude.”

Woman: *huffs loudly* “Well, I’m only looking! I don’t know what I want yet!”

(I look over at the server with an eye roll, but I just push back in front and continue my conversation from before.)

Me: “Oh, [Server], would you mind adding some of the butter on— Excuse me, can you stop?!

(The woman is now hovering so close to me again that I can feel her breath down my neck as she cranes over my shoulder.)

Woman: “I’m just looking!

(I try to stay calm, since I don’t want a meltdown in a public place. I take a step away so she can “look,” and my conversation from before ends up at a place where we’re joking about how I’m such a reliable customer that I could live there.)

Woman: “You don’t eat this every day, do you?”

Me: “Yeah, I do; it’s my one treat of the day.” *tries to laugh her comment off*

Woman: “Well, it’s not healthy in the morning! You shouldn’t be eating it!”

(She then proceeds to TAKE MY PAID-FOR FOOD AND THROW IT INTO THE TRASH. My patience is now gone completely, since I am in no way large, and other than some bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation, I’m clearly healthy.)

Me: “Well, neither is your makeup, but we obviously have to look at that, now, don’t we?! Who are you to judge what I eat?!”

Woman: “Well, I… You shouldn’t be eating it!”

Me: “I jog five miles into university every day, and often this is my one meal until late at night! Leave me alone, right now!”

Woman: “IT’S NOT HEALTHY!” *goes back to her table in a huff*

(Thankfully, the cafeteria staff were super kind and gave me my food again, with a couple of extras to make me feel better. That wasn’t the only time the crazy woman had done that, and last I heard she has a permanent ban from campus for being too threatening to people.)

I Just Don’t Have The Energy To Point Out The Irony

, , , | Friendly | May 13, 2018

(Overheard at a store:)

Woman #1: “Oh, you want to avoid those energy drinks; they’ll kill you.”

Woman #2: “Yeah, all that caffeine.”

Woman #1: “And all that sugar.”

([Woman #2] then sipped from her double-double — a coffee with extra sugar — while [Woman #1] talked about how she was off to get a slushie.)

The Power Of Gaming

, , , , , | Friendly | May 12, 2018

(My friend has the uncanny ability to call correctly on random chance in video games. I like to joke that it’s his superpower. These are just a few examples. Playing Mario Kart 8:)

Me: “Bullet Bill, Bullet Bill, please! I need a Bullet Bill!”

Friend #1: “Nope. Banana peel.”

Friend #2: “Oh, crap, blue shell!”

Friend #1: “You’ll be fine; you’ll get a sound box.”

(He is right on both counts. Later, we’re playing a game where the characters you get are random. We’re chatting as I pull up the summon screen.)

Me: “I hope it’s [Character].”

Friend #1: “Bet you it’s this one.”

(He taps the orb before I can stop him and starts the summon. The smoke clears, and [Character] appears).

Me: “What the f***?!”

(Playing a strategy game:)

Me: *explaining my strategy* “[Character] has a 78% hit chance; this’ll kill off the boss and then I can take the castle.”

Friend #1: “She’s going to fail so badly.”

(Not only does the unit miss, the foe scores a 1% critical hit chance and kills her, forcing me to restart the level!)

Me: *laughing and pushing my friend away* “You swore to only use your powers for good!”

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