A One-Way Ticket Out Of Friendsville

, , , , | Friendly | July 16, 2018

(Every year my family goes on a camping trip. The place where we camp is not too far from an arcade, so on days where we don’t have much planned, my brothers and I go over to play some of their games. One year, I bring my friend along for the trip. The arcade uses a prepaid card, which you fill with money to use on the various games. When you win, virtual tickets are loaded onto your card. We both fill a card and choose which game to play. Immediately, [Friend] chooses a two-player, and I agree. We rush over to play.)

Friend: “This one looks fun! Look, if you get the high score you win bonus tickets!”

Me: “Sweet! Let’s try! I’ll sit…”

(Before I sit down, my friend slides his card on both sides, paying for both of us and basically guaranteeing that all winnings go to his card.)

Me: “Oh… Well, I could’ve paid.”

Friend: “Don’t worry about it. Come on! Let’s play!”

(We both sit, and I wind up forgetting about the whole paying deal. After a few minutes of playing, I realize I got the high score, winning the jackpot. Unfortunately, I remember that the tickets go to my friend’s card. I shrug it off.)

Me: “Let’s go to the prize counter and see what we can get!”

Friend: “Why would you go over there? I got the tickets.”

Me: “What? I won them, though. You paid for both of us, but I’m the one who won the jackpot.”

Friend: “Well, it’s on my card… Whatever. Let’s go.”

Me: “Can I at least pick something out? Those tickets are for me. I won them.”

Friend: “I’ll think about it.”

(We get up to the prize counter, where there are many interesting prizes with varying ticket prices. My friend chooses a skateboard that costs 510 tickets. That’s about the amount that we won.)

Friend: “I want the skateboard!”

Me: “But that’ll use all the tickets. I should choose something; I won the jackpot.”

Friend: *groans* “They’re my tickets! I’ll pick something out for you!”

(I sighed, realizing I most likely wouldn’t win the battle. He wound up getting a slightly cheaper skateboard on the wall. He handed me the prize he chose for me: a piece of candy valuing about ten tickets. He smiled at me and walked away, leaving me at the prize counter, stunned.)

That’s Some Truly Wonderful Bulls***

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 15, 2018

My husband’s sister was going to be nearby on business, so my husband and I decided we would drive to the city where she was staying to take her out for dinner. About 15 minutes before we arrived, I told my husband this rather long story about two women who bump into each other after not seeing each other for a few years.

The first woman was telling the second all the (rather unbelievable) things that had been happening in her life and after each one, the second woman would say, “Wow! That’s wonderful!” When the first woman finally asked the second what she had been doing lately, the second replied that she’d been going to charm school. “Oh, really? What do they teach you in charm school?” “They teach us to say, ‘Wow! That’s wonderful!’ instead of, ‘Bulls***.’”

Hubby chuckled at the joke and that was the end of it, or so he thought.

We were sitting there enjoying a meal and listening to my sister-in-law go on and on about her wonderful son — think the male version of the Princess Ballerina Astronaut. When she finally slowed down enough to draw breath, I commented, “Wow! That’s wonderful!”

Poor hubby snorted milk out his nose halfway across the restaurant.

An Up-Top Down-Under Conversation

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 14, 2018

(I have just finished my holiday in Tenerife and am eating at an airport restaurant, sitting at a bar. An Australian man sits next to me.)

Aussie: *looks straight at me* “You all right, mate?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m good, thanks, just waiting for my plane.”

(We talk for a bit, and then he asks…)

Aussie: “So, where you from? USA?”

Me: *laugh* “No, I’m from England. I’m guessing your Australian, though?”

Aussie: “Yeah, I am. Nice, so, you’re from the Up-Top-Australia, eh?”

(I just stare at him for a few seconds and burst out laughing.)

Aussie: *confused chuckle* “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Never in my life have I ever heard England described as the ‘Up-Top-Australia.'”

Aussie: “So, what do you call Australia?”

Me: “Either ‘Australia,’ or we refer to it as ‘down under.'”

Aussie: “Really?”

Me: “Does everyone in the down-low-England call England that?”

Aussie: “No.”

Me: “So, you never thought in that time that England wasn’t known as that?”

Aussie: *laughing* “Never noticed, I guess. So Australia is the only country you call by a nickname? Nothing for say, Nigeria?”

(As I am about to say no, another dude from an unknown region, who has been listening a lot more than we realised, interjects and says:)

Random Guy: “Well, I call it ‘N*****-Country.’”

(We both stare at this guy.)

Random Guy: “I think I misread the conversation.” *pays and leaves*

(With a hour until my flight, the gates open I start to leave.)

Me: “Well, that was a funny conversation; thanks for the entertainment.”

Aussie: “It was an absolute pleasure, mate. Until next we meet, my up-most compadre.”

Me: *furiously trying to think of a witty thing to say* “See you, my downy friend.”

(Mentally bashing my head against the wall, I left, chuckling to myself.)

She Needs A Robocop

, , , | Friendly | July 13, 2018

(My robotics team and I are advocating for a bond that would give us a new robotics lab. We are at the “botting” area to try and convince people to vote for the bond. It has been going smoothly until this encounter.  A lady is walking to the entrance.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, could we inform you about our robotics team and why you should vote for our bond?”

Lady: “STOP HARASSING ME, or I swear to God I will call the cops, and they will kill you!”

(The lady sprints inside.)

Group: “Erm… What just happened?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Me: “Here she comes; don’t get close to her.”

Lady: *yelling, from a distance* “I’M CALLING THE COPS FOR ASSAULT AND HARASSMENT!”

(She never called the cops.)

They Took It Anime Too Far

, , , , , | Friendly | July 13, 2018

(My friends and I are avid cosplayers and anime fans. I arrive at one of my friend’s houses and find her tearing her bedroom apart. This happens only three months away from a convention.)

Me: “What the h*** happened here?”

Friend: “I can’t find my cosplay costume.”

Me: “That’s weird; you’re not type to misplace things.”

Friend: “This is a disaster.”

Me: “Calm down. There’s still time. I brought ice cream.”

(That usually cheers her up. On the way downstairs, we pass by her sister’s room. We hear moaning.)

Me: “New boyfriend?”

Friend: “Yup. God, why are the walls so thin?”

Guy: *panting* “Please, Mistress [Anime Character]…”

Me: “Did I just hear that right?”

(Turns out, her sister’s new boytoy had a thing for anime cosplay. The sister shamelessly took the costume and used it for bedroom activities. We literally caught them with their pants down. The costume was ripped and stained in several places, and we all had to pitch in to make a new one, this time not from scratch. My friend and her sister no longer live together, and no longer talk as far as I’m aware.)

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