A Pleasant Deviation From The Norm

, , , , | Friendly | July 3, 2020

I’m in the store with my service dog tucked next to my feet while I wait to check out. A young girl of about five stops dead to stare at my dog from about ten feet away. I brace myself for the tantrum from her or her mother when I tell her she can’t pet him.

Little Girl: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “I know he’s doing a job right now, but when you get home, could you tell him he’s a good boy?”

She then skipped off back to her parents without coming any closer. I would like to find that little girl and tell her I told him, and to tell her parents they’ve got a great kid!

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Perhaps If He Ate Some Brains, He’d Have Some Brains

, , , | Friendly | July 2, 2020

I am part of a musical group with people of all ages; we sing songs and sometimes learn instruments, in a very casual setting. We sit in a circle, folders with hundreds of songs in front of us, and everyone chooses one song to play. It is my turn.

Me: *Looking through the folder* “Ooh! Zombie by The Cranberries! I’ve always loved that one.”

Elderly Man: “Bah! I can’t stand this horror stuff! It’s such stupid hocus pocus! Kids today are messed up!”

I stare at him, mouth agape.

Me: “It’s… a twenty-year-old song about the Northern Ireland Conflict. Nothing to do with actual zombies.”

Elderly Man: “Wait, really?”

To be fair, he was German and might not have understood all the lyrics, but seriously? He was alive during the brunt of it. He also had no problem understanding a different song in English that was about the nuclear bomb dropped on Nagasaki.

He just outright dismissed “Zombie” because of the title.

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He Sure Didn’t Ace That One

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 2, 2020

I’ve come out as asexual to a couple of friends who I’ve met online. They’re all supportive, but one is completely clueless about anything LGBTQ+ and private-messages me for clarification. There is no malice or teasing, just lack of knowledge.

I’m known for being the “innocent child” of the group, extremely short and not intimidating in any way.

Friend: “If you’re ace, can you perform mitosis?”

Me: “While that would be cool… no. No, I cannot.”

Friend: “That sucks.”

I’m about to ask if he has any more questions before this message comes through.

Friend: “Two [My Name]s would be awesome but equally terrifying.”

Always a kick to be called “terrifying”!

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Not Pussyfooting Around His Stupidity, Is He?

, , , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2020

One of my husband’s friends is visiting, and he’s petting our cat. Suddenly, he gets a confused look on his face.

Friend: “I thought your cat was a boy.”

Husband: “He is.”

Friend: “But he has nipples. Are you sure?”

Husband: “Yeah… he has a penis, too, and the vet removed testicles when he was neutered.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s so creepy! How can he be a boy and have nipples? Is something wrong with him? Are all cats like that?”

Me: “Hey, [Friend], you’re a guy. Do you have nipples?”

Friend: *Pause* “Right…”

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Small Town, Big Country

, , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2020

Several years ago, we moved to a tiny town in Eastern Ontario very near the nation’s capital, Ottawa. Ottawa has huge celebrations for Canada Day, July 1. We’ve learned that areas surrounding Ottawa view themselves as detached from Ontario and Canada, but we didn’t realize by how much until this conversation.

The area is also very insular, not recognizing much of the world beyond its own boundaries. During our first summer in the area this conversation occurs.

Me: “Does [Small Town of about 75 residents] have any Canada Day celebrations?”

Local Official: “Yes, on [date in June rather than July 1].”

Me: *Puzzled* “Is that so the celebrations don’t conflict with those in the [Very Nearby Capital]?”

The official speaks in a tone as if I’d suggested a perversion.

Local Official: “No. Nobody goes to that! It’s so it doesn’t conflict with the big celebration in [Nearest ‘Town’ of a few hundred people].”

Me: “Okay, so we won’t miss that!”

We go to the June celebration in the tiny town, which is a picnic with very modest fireworks in the evening. On July 1st, we go to the festivities in the nearby “big town” which centres around a parade. The parade consists of locals driving their own undecorated cars around the main drag for an hour, followed by two horses. I speak to a local at the parade.

Me: “Have you ever been to the Canada Day celebrations in Ottawa?”

Local: “What?! There’s a parade there, too?!”

Me: *Internally* “We have soooooooo moved to the wrong place.”

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