“Star Wars: The Halloween Special” Deemed Almost As Bad As “The Phantom Menace”

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

(A boy and girl are going around the neighborhood, trick-or-treating. The boy is dressed as a Jedi Knight, the girl as Princess Leia. They go up to one house and ring the bell. When the door opens.)

Kids: “Trick or treat!”

Boy: “May the force be with you!”

(The homeowner pulls back the bowl of candy, and gestures with his hand at the boy.)

Adult: “These aren’t the treats you’re looking for.”

(The girl started to cry.)

Little Girls Who Try To Beat The Crap Out Of Each Other With Plastic Golf Clubs Find Solace In Texting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2018

When I was a little kid, my mom became the best friend of a woman who had a daughter around my age. The two of us would end up in forced playdates every time they wanted to hang out.

Since we both had terrible tempers and brought up the worst of each other, our relationship was tense at best and violent at worst. Our mothers didn’t seem to care. As we grew up, though, this changed. I realized that while we were sitting together on the couch, texting in silence. She looked up for a second and said, “This is way better than beating the crap out of each other with plastic golf clubs.”

I had to agree.

This Is A Bad Mark, As Grown Man Who Mocks A Small Child

, , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2018

(My daughter was born with a large red birthmark on her face. As a result, rather than telling her she is pretty, a lot of people tell her she is clever, instead. When she is three, we are waiting in line at the grocery checkout. My daughter decides to sing a little song she’s made up about being a “clever girl.”)

Daughter: *singing* “I’m clever, clever, clever. I’m such a clever girl…”

(The man ahead of us in line, waiting with a boy of about seven years old, starts speaking in a mocking tone, which confuses me.)

Man: “Oooh, there’s a clever girl! Everyone, this one’s actually clever!”

(His son looks uncomfortable, which seems to inspire the dad to try harder.)

Man: “Come on, it’s a clever girl! Bet you’ve never met one of those before! So much cleverer than all the rest of us!”

(As I am trying to figure out if this guy is seriously trying to bully a preschooler, he turns around with a sneer.)

Man: “Oh, we should all be so impressed by the clever girl…”

(Then he sees my daughter, his face goes pale, and, grabbing his own kid, he leaves the line without another word to us. I guess because, apparently, he thinks it’s okay to mock most small children… but not the ones with visible birthmarks?)

Daughter: *happily oblivious* “I’m clever!”

Cashier: *smiling* “Yes, you are! Would you like a cookie?”

Putting All Your Groceries In Someone Else’s Car At Christmas Can Be Misconstrued As Gifting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 14, 2018

My mom is known for being absent minded at times, especially when tired. It is after work during Christmas time, and she rightfully is a bit more stressed and tired than usual. On her way home this evening, she stops to buy groceries at the local market. When she emerges from the store, everything is covered by a light snow. She gets to her car, fumbles a bit with the key and opens the trunk. She is in the process of emptying her shopping cart in the back of the car when she hears a faint cough.

She freezes. Silence. Ever so slowly, she raises her eyes up to see four people, all seated and buckled up, looking at her in shock. She looks at them, they look at her. She checks the car and it looks the same. She then checks the number plate and notices it is not her car. She turns her head and sees that her car is the one right next to it.

Without a word and without breaking eye contact with the family, she gets all of her groceries out of their car, slowly closes the trunk ,and walks a few meters to hers. They leave while she is still filling her trunk with the bags, and they still look shocked. From now on, she always checks the license plate before touching any car!

No One Is Surprised, As Angrily Honking The Car Horn Proves Less Effective Than Language

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 13, 2018

(I’m leaving campus late at night and I come up to the intersection at the street outside. The light is red. I press the button for the pedestrian crossing. I’ve noticed before that this intersection’s lights are badly programmed: it takes three to five minutes at night for the light to turn green after pressing the button. There’s no traffic at all, and no other people around. I press the pedestrian crossing button and wait near it. About five seconds later, a lone car comes up on the road to my left, also out of the campus, clearly intending to go straight across in the same direction as me. It stops at the red light, in the second lane away from me. Then, suddenly:)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk.*

(I’m startled and confused.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk.*

(I’m alarmed enough that I take a couple steps away.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk.*

(I look over and see it’s an expensive sports car, with some very impatient-looking, young dude behind the wheel. He’s making weird and angry faces at me and gesturing wildly; either pointing at me or at the light-pole behind me, while really laying on his horn. The other side of the street is a residential neighborhood, it’s late at night, and he’s making an enormous racket. I’m understandably weirded out and I take some more steps away.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk. Hoooooooooooooonk.*

(He keeps on making angry faces at me and gesturing. I step away some more.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk. Hoooooooooooooonk.*

(With more angry faces and gesturing, I’m thoroughly freaked out. This is really weird, and there’s no one else around at all. The honking is just nonstop now. I take a wild guess and press the button for pedestrian crossing AGAIN. Like magic, the dude quits his gesticulating and lays off the horn.)

Me: *thinking* “Oh, my f****** God. Really!? That a**wipe really thought I was just standing around here waiting for a green light without having pressed the button?! And he was willing to scare the ever-living h*** out of me and wake up the whole neighborhood with this racket just to make me press that stupid button again?!

(Surprise, surprise, nothing happened after I pressed the button again. We both had to wait several more minutes for a green light, anyway, just like always at that intersection.)

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