The Damage Is Complimentary

, , , , | Friendly | March 15, 2018

(My friends and I are playing a custom Dungeons and Dragons scenario the Dungeon Master created, since we find them more fun. My friend often flirts with me or my character, which I don’t really mind. We are in the middle of a battle, where my ranger is using his bow as a makeshift shield against an enemy’s sword.)

Me: “I need a bit of help here.”

Friend: “I throw my spear at the enemy attacking [My Name].”

Dungeon Master: *roll the dice and gets a one* “Okay, you—”

Friend: “—wait! Before I throw, I shout to [My Name], ‘Your eyes shine beautifully like the crystal clear lake on a frosty winter morning!’ and then I throw. I also pray the compliment will make him forgive me for the spear.”

Dungeon Master: “You throw the spear. It impales [My Name] and deals four points of damage.”

Me: “Firstly, thanks for the compliment. Secondly, f*** you for the spear, and thirdly, no, it did not.”

It’s Been A Patchy Day Until Now

, , , , | Friendly | March 14, 2018

(I decide to treat my grandparents to get a bite to eat as thanks for being my drivers. I’ve been wearing an eye-patch for about a week now due to an injury. We step into a fast food restaurant, and its play area is swarming with kids. It’s cool; we get a bit of entertainment too. As we enter, a mother and her little girl — three at the most — approach the door to leave. The girl looks up at me, looks to her mother uncertainly, then looks back to me. Then she speaks up in a quiet voice.)

Girl: “But it’s not Halloween yet!”

(Her mother looked like she wanted the floor to swallow her up. I, however, was too busy laughing at the adorableness. Thanks, cutie; I really needed that!)

You Can’t One-Up Cancer

, , , | Friendly | March 14, 2018

(Every week I host a social group for young adults. While the number of people changes every week, there’s a couple of us who are there every week, and for the most part we’re all friends. However, there is one guy who none of us can really stand; he tries to twist everything to make himself come out on top, no matter what the circumstances are. One day, one of our regular attendees — the only girl most of the time — comes in, looking like she’s on the edge of tears.)

Me: “Are you okay?”

Friend: “Could be better.”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Friend: “My dad has been diagnosed with an inoperable, cancerous brain tumour.”

(She starts to cry, but it’s obvious she’s trying not to. The other regulars go over to hug her while she explains she came in hopes that it would take her mind off things. Suddenly, the one-upper speaks up.)

One-Upper: “That’s it?”

(We all look at him in shock.)

One-Upper: “You’re crying because of that? When I was seven, I lost my grandfather. I understand your pain, but that’s no reason to act like it’s the end of the world. Everyone dies; just some pass earlier than others.”

(We’re all disgusted, as he pretty much just said the death of her father is nothing big. She cries slightly harder. I turn to him angrily)

Me: “F*** you.”

One-Upper: “Excuse me? What I said was true. Everyone dies. You’ve all experienced family deaths, and I’m pretty sure you didn’t act like this.”

Another Member: “This is her dad we’re talking about.”

One-Upper: “So? I lost my grandfather twenty years ago, and last year my nephew got chicken pox, and my dad’s appendix burst.”

Me: “But your dad and nephew are still alive?”

One-Upper: “Well… Yeah, but…”

Me: “Look, you do this too often. We’ve had multiple complaints, but I didn’t think you would stoop this low. Get out. I’m banning you.”

One-Upper: “Seriously? I’m just trying to show her she shouldn’t act like she’s the only one who’s had a death in the family.”

(After a bit more arguing, where he maintained that he did nothing wrong, we called up his parents to remove him. The girl’s father is still in critical condition, but she now spends most of her free time by his side.)

The Thing On The River Thing

, , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(I have a friend in high school who isn’t the best communicator. When playing guessing games she uses the “hopeful telepathy” method.)

Friend: *obviously trying to beam the right words at us through sheer concentration* “Well, it’s a thing that things in a thing…”

(One time we are leafing through the TV Guide together and find they are showing “Bridge on the River Kwai,” which she has seen and I haven’t.)

Me: “What’s it about?”

Friend: “Well, it’s this bridge, and—” *pointing at actors in the picture* “—he gets killed, and he gets killed, and he gets killed…”

(She didn’t quite sell me on it!)

Gotta Be On Someone’s Bucket List

, , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2018

(This happens when I’m being babysat by a neighbor. My parents have been reupholstering our kitchen chairs, so the seats of all of them are detached and sitting loose on the chairs. I curiously lift up one of the seats.)

Babysitter: *watching me* “Wow, that lifts up? That’s cool. It’s like a toilet! In fact, you could probably use it as a toilet. Just lift that up and put a bucket under there, and you could go to the bathroom while you’re eating supper!”

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