My teenage daughter asked me to pick up a couple of candles for her on Annual Candle Day at a popular bath store. Little did I know, she was pulling one over on me. Crowds make me cringe. You absolutely will not find me out fighting over items on Black Friday. If someone really wants something that badly, they must need it more than I do.

I am standing in this pool of fairly friendly people waiting for our turn to check out the candle selection. I put my earbuds in and get music going quietly to help control my anxiety. Suddenly, a well-to-do-looking older woman taps me on the shoulder and starts yakking at me with a pissed-off look on her face. I pull my earbuds out of my ears.

Me: *Politely* “I’m sorry! I had my music playing. What did you say?”

She shoves a coupon four inches from my face.

Woman: “I saiiiiiid, can I use this on the candles?”

Me: “Oh. I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m not really sure. Let’s ask someone.”

I smile at her and start looking around to see if I can spot an employee.

Woman: “My God! Well, you work here, don’t you?”

I glance down at my hairstylist attire — solid black everything — and wonder how the H*** she could have mistaken me for an employee.

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t.”

With that, she threw her hands up in the air and stormed out of the store, mumbling to herself. She was obviously upset that she couldn’t just command some rando to answer her coupon question. I’m still trying to figure out if I really looked like an employee or if I just look like a person who knows stuff.

I wear a mask any time I leave my home. Nobody in the area has the same mask, so as we’re in a small town, people often recognize me. This morning as I’m grabbing my morning supplies at the gas station down the street, a customer recognizes me.

Customer: “You, help me find these things.”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “I know. I need help.”

This exchange goes on for a few moments, her getting more and more insistent about me being the person to help her. The woman even tries to block me from leaving the store! I am generally a helpful and pleasant person… at least until I am treated with disrespect.

The moment she blocks me in, I flip.

Me: “I will remove you by force if necessary.”

Luckily, she ended up moving and I left the store in a rush to her threats of calling my manager.

Whoever you are, lady, I hope you get the help you need, but I don’t work everywhere and I’m not licensed to get you the mental help.

Some years ago, I worked in the public library in a small-ish town and, as I am somewhat distinctive looking, a lot of library users would recognise me in other settings and approach me to chat with me about the library or ask me where we had met. I had a few run-ins where people tried to return their library books to me while I was working out at the gym and such, but this was the most memorable experience.

I am browsing in a high street clothes shop when an older woman with an armful of clothes taps me, unnecessarily firmly, on the shoulder and waves a dress at me.

Woman: “Find me this in a size fourteen.”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”

I turn to walk away but she grabs my shoulder.

Woman: “Yes, you do! I recognise you! You’re from that book shop!”

Me: “I work in the library, but—”

Woman: *Yelling* “So find me this in a bloody size fourteen!”

Her shouting has attracted the attention of a couple of the actual employees of the shop, who approach us to see what’s wrong.

Staff Member: “Ma’am, please lower your voice. I can help you.”

Woman: “I don’t want you! I want this rude b**** to do it!”

Staff Member: “She doesn’t work here.”

Woman: “She works somewhere! That means she works for me!”

At this point, several people who were earwigging nearby burst out laughing, and the sound took some of the wind out of the woman’s sails. I seized the opportunity and fled to a different section of the store. As I was at the checkout, one of the staff members approached me and asked me about the incident. He told me that the woman had done the same thing before, when she’d targeted an older man who was a volunteer in the charity shop across the street.

I understand people occasionally making this mistake; surely it happens a lot. But acknowledging that I work somewhere else and still expecting me to serve her, as if all people who work in front line customer services are some sort of interchangeable mass? Crazy.

I’m a soldier in the German navy. Our uniform is straight dark blue. Most of the plumbers working in Germany also have blue work clothes. It is December so I am wearing my blue Navy jacket due to the cold. After two weeks spent at sea, I am glad to head home by train. I haven’t changed from my uniform to civilian clothes because soldiers can use the train for free if they wear their uniforms.

At the station, I have to wait about an hour for the next train to arrive, so I decide to use the bathroom. As I’m exiting the men’s room, a woman stops me.

Woman: “The bathroom is flooded; you have to fix it!”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Woman: “Fix it!”

Me: “Um, I think you’ve mistaken me. I don’t work here.”

Woman: “Yes, you do! You have working clothes on! So go and fix it; otherwise, I’ll report you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m a soldier not a plumber. Look at my jacket.”

I point to my jacket where it says, “German Navy.”

She starts to rage.

Woman: “You f****** lazy piece of s***! Go and do your work! I pay taxes for your money!”

Me: “That’s right, but you have mistaken me.” *Pulls out my military ID* “This is my military ID, look! I AM A SOLDIER!”

She curses me out, and that catches the attention of a station employee.

Employee: “Is there a problem?”

Woman: “Yes! The bathroom is flooded and he—” *grabs me by my jacket* “—refuses to do his job!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid to say it again, but I’m not a plumber. I am a soldier of the German navy. And do never touch me again.”

I remove her hand.

Employee: “Yeah, it is a uniform from the navy.”

Suddenly, she starts to scream and throws herself to the ground

Woman: “ABUSE! HE SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!”

She keeps screaming and some nearby police officers notice.

Police Officer #1: “Ma’am, what happened?”

Woman: “He slapped me in the face!”

Employee: “It’s not true; he didn’t.”

Woman: “Yes, he did. You are covering for your coworker, you liar!”

Employee: “I’m not his coworker.”

Me: “I really didn’t. She grabbed my jacket and I just got loose from her grip, and then she started screaming.”

She talks with one police officer while I show my ID to the other officer.

Police Officer #1: “Ma’am, he is right. He is not a plumber, he is a soldier. Our offices have evidence that he didn’t slap you; it is all on camera. I think we should talk further in the office.”

Police Officer #2: “Sorry, sir, for all that trouble. Have a safe trip!”

Me: “Thank you.”

The police took her to the office and I never heard from her again (luckily). The employee and I just laughed our a**es of. He got me a coffee and we chatted a bit until I jumped on my train.

I’m shopping at a store I visit about once a month; I know the layout fairly well. I have a lot of shopping to do and, armed with my list and a flat cart, I am getting the job done.

A gentleman sees the case of water on my cart.

Customer #1: “Where can I find bottled water?”

I used to work in hotels, so I’m used to providing customer service. It’s only two aisles over, so I walk him to the back aisle and point him to the stack. Just as that is done, an elderly gentleman runs by at the pace of a turtle and barks:

Customer #2: “Toilet paper!”

I don’t know, maybe it’s an emergency.

Me: “End of this aisle on the right, but they’re out today.”

Notice I said “they’re,” not “we’re”. I was already down that aisle and checked a few minutes ago.

And then, a woman who has been standing within earshot pipes up.

Customer #3: “Can you check if you have any more in back?”

I am wearing khaki cargo shorts and a red untucked T-shirt that features my daughter’s university logo. I don’t look like a [Store] employee, and besides, as far as I know, there is no “in back” in the back of a [Store].

Me: “I don’t work here, lady.”

Customer #3: “Well, you helped those other people.”

I am momentarily taken aback. What logic flow could possibly be going through her brain? Am I supposed to help everyone just because I helped someone? Am I really supposed to go in back and check anyway?

Me: *Slower* “But… I… don’t… work… here.”

Then, the woman stamps her foot like a three-year-old.

Customer #3: “But you have a clipboard!”

Me: *Walking away* “Have a nice day.”