Jokes That Bring Out The Cry-Babies

, , , | Friendly | August 1, 2017

(I cook a lot. I also have a fairly dark sense of humor. This conversation happens on Facebook messenger.)

Me: “When talking to a friend about her baby and she tells me how much he weighs now. That’s twice the size of the pork butt I bought this morning!””

Friend: “Haha!”

Me: “Seriously, her kid is now 14 lbs, and the pork I bought was 7.5.”

Me: “I’m gonna have to cut it in half or thirds because the d*** thing won’t fit in my crock pot!”

Me: “The pork butt, not the baby.”

Friend: “Goodness!”

Cooking Up A Compliment

, , , | Friendly | July 31, 2017

(My little sister is having a summer sleepover for all of her friends. I decided to go all out and make them some chicken fajitas and tons of homemade snacks for the sleepover. Sometime around midnight while the others are picking out a movie to watch, one of them comes downstairs to see if they can bring some up to her room.)

Me: “Sure, just make sure if anything gets spilled that you all clean it up.”

Girl: “I like having sleepovers at your house instead of at mine.”

Me: “Because I let you all eat in her room?”

Girl: “Because my mom doesn’t know how to cook.”

(I guess it’s a compliment on my cooking, but considering this particular girl comes over frequently enough to consider our house a second residence, I’m kind of curious how bad her mother cooks…)

Mrs. Reaper And Her Kids

, , , , | Friendly | July 30, 2017

(My husband is very tall, thin, and pale, and has some heavy scarring on his face from a car accident. He is also pretty quiet and naturally has a stern-looking face, and usually wears dark clothes with long sleeves to cover more scars on his arms. People are often intimidated by him, but he is actually very sweet and a little bit shy. One of my coworkers has young daughters about the same age as our sons, so we set up some play dates. My husband loves children and spends a lot of time playing with the kids. My coworker relays this story about her daughter to me a few weeks later, after Halloween.)

Daughter’s Classmate: “If you go out alone on Halloween, the Grim Reaper will catch you and chop off your head!”

Daughter: “No, he won’t! I’ve met the Grim Reaper. He’s really nice!”

Daughter’s Classmate: “No way! How?”

Daughter: *proudly* “My mom knows his husband. I play with their kids all the time.”

(My coworker said that she explained that my husband is NOT the Grim Reaper, after she stopped laughing.)

Literally Sugar-Coating That Pill

, , , | Friendly | July 29, 2017

(I’m having a chocolate bar while our lecture has a break. My friend notices it.)

Friend: “Oh, can I have a piece? I’m ravenous!”

(I snap off two squares.)

Friend: “No, a bit more.”

(I snap of another square.)

Friend: “More!”

Me: “Any more and you’ll have more of it than I do!”

Friend: “I’m diabetic. I have low blood sugar!”

Me: “Then use your tablets. You didn’t buy four packs for them just to sit in your bag!”

(She glares at me as she opens her bag, takes out a pack, and starts chewing them down like Tic-Tacs. When she’s done she sticks her tongue out before staring at me panicked and using her insulin pen, realising she probably just shot her blood glucose up to astronomical levels.)

Friend: “That was YOUR FAULT!”

Me: “I didn’t tell you to eat a whole pack!”

Friend: “F*** you!”

(The offer for the chocolate was still open, but after that she didn’t want to risk it.)

You’d Have To Literally Turn Those Numbers Around

, , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2017

Friend: “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Halloween fell on a Friday the 13th?!”

Me: “Yep… that would be crazy!”

(I don’t think she ever figured out her error. What’s funny is that many years later I was sharing this anecdote with another friend and he remarked “I think it did, one time, like, years ago”.)

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