Not So Easy-Peasy Japanesey

, , , , | Friendly | January 10, 2019

(I go on various forums for expats living in Japan, looking for advice.)

Me: “Hello. I am a woman from Latin America moving to Japan for work. The company hiring me already told me I should bring fitted sheets from home since they are very expensive in Japan. Are there any other things I should bring, so as to not make my move too expensive?”

Person #1: “Japan is a first world country; you can get anything here.”

Person #2: “Japan is way more technological than that.”

Person #3: “Japan does have some things that are more expensive, but you can get anything here.”

Person #4: “There are more things here than where you live, lol.”

(So far, not one useful answer.)

The 1950s Called; They Want Their Medical Results

, , , , , , , | Friendly Healthy | January 10, 2019

(My husband is having a day-long series of medical tests at a Veterans Administration hospital in Kentucky. I drove him there, so I am camping out in the waiting room working on some homework on my laptop for the supply chain management courses I am taking online. I have been working for about an hour and a half when I am approached by an elderly man.)

Elderly Man: “What are you doing on that computer?”

Me: “I am a Transportation and Logistics Management student at [Well-Respected Online college]. I am working on the homework for my supply chain management courses.”

Elderly Man: “Why aren’t you going to nursing school?! Nursing is the only respectable occupation for a woman!”

Me: “What? I can’t qualify for nursing school because I had a stroke a few years ago and my right hand is partially paralyzed.”

(I hold up my right hand and show that I can only use my middle finger and thumb.)

Elderly Man: “But you could be a nurse if you tried harder! Why are you playing with that silly supply chain management stuff? Only men do that!”

Me: “I also have an active Class-A commercial driver’s license to drive tractor trailers.” *reaches into my purse to pull out my license* “I like transportation!”

Elderly Man: “But nurses are so sweet! You should be sweet like a nurse!” *motions to one of the VA nurses*

(The VA nurse chimes in:)

VA Nurse: “I wouldn’t want her as a nurse with that hand of hers. She would never pass nursing school, anyway. I have met [My Name] before, and that woman is planning on going to law school after she finishes her bachelor’s degree because of the way she has argued her husband’s VA disability claim.”

Elderly Man: “How disgraceful! A woman working as a truck driver and wanting to become a lawyer! Why can’t women be sweet and realize their place in the world?!”

(I put my earbuds on and cranked some Bon Jovi on my laptop and tried to ignore the old coot until he was called for his appointment.)

Older Mind Readers

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 9, 2019

(I’m the twin brother of the girl from “A Graphic Train of Thought” and “Their Reactions are Identical”. My sister missed two of my favourite stories, so here they are. The first: when we have a double period last thing on a Friday, our teacher lets us get a drink between the two periods. I ask my sister if she wants something, and she asks for tea. When I come back with her drink, this happens.)

Girl: “Oh, my God. How did you know she wanted tea?”

Me: “I asked her. Why? Did you want me to get you something?”

Girl: “No, I would’ve heard. Are you guys psychic?”

Me: “You’re kidding, right?”

Friend: “He did ask her, [Girl].”

Girl: “No, I would’ve heard. Look. Aren’t twins meant to be psychic? I mean, how else would you have known how she wanted her tea?”

Sister: “Because we’ve lived together our entire lives and I haven’t changed my drink order since we were twelve?”

(The second: we’re in the same GCSE class for chemistry and our teacher is a newbie. He’s calling out the names on the register and gets to our surname.)

Teacher: “[My Name] and [Sister], are you two related?”

Sister: “Yeah, we’re twins.”

Teacher: “Oh, that’s really cool! So, who was born first?”

Me: “Me, by ten-ish minutes.”

Teacher: “Let me guess; you’re the dominant one.”

Me: “Wait. What?”

Teacher: “You know, you’re more independent.”

Sister: “What?”

Teacher: “Oh, I’m not doubting your abilities, [Sister]. It’s just that he’s older.”

(He kept on pigeonholing us for the two years we had him. He insisted on seeing my sister as “the smart one” and me as “the athletic one,” even though we got very similar grades all through the year and my sister broke a school record in the javelin. Also, when our parents saw him at parents’ evening, he told them he admired my independence and my willingness to help my sister, despite my sister being the most independent person I know and her helping me out as much as I helped her. It really annoys me that people don’t see us as two separate, unique people sometimes, but at least we get funny stories out of it.)

There’s No Diet That Can Fix A Bad Personality

, , , | Friendly | January 9, 2019

(I am a mother of twins, in my mid-thirties, and yes, I am rather overweight. At around 280 pounds, you can legally call me obese, but I am healthy, well-dressed, and absolutely able-bodied all around. I am sitting in the train to work, minding my own business, when the old lady sitting opposite of me lets out a sigh and directs the following gem at me.)

Lady: “You know, if you would just lose some weight, you would be pretty enough.”

(I snap out of my thought, at first not realising she’s addressing me. Then, as it sinks in, I feel anger rising.)

Me: “And if you would not harass people you don’t know, you would not be such a bitter old hag!”

Lady: “Well, it was meant to be a compliment! You have no business insulting me!”

Me: “Well, I certainly did not start insulting people on the train for no reason.”

(Silence ensued until she moved seats at the next stop. Guess what: I know I’m too heavy, but people who tell others like me to “just lose weight” are the ones to tell people with depression to “just cheer up” and people with phobias to “just calm down.” Of course, that is possible, but if it was that easy, nobody would suffer freely.)

We’ve Heard This One Sixteen Times Before

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2019

(We’re at a New Year’s party, playing card games and catching up. One of my friends has brought a newcomer to our gathering, who seems… interesting.)

Newcomer: *while trying to hold cards we’re handing him very artistically* “Whoa, look at this; it’s like the sixteenth chapel over here!”

Friend: *after a pause* “Did you just say, ‘sixteenth chapel’?”

Newcomer: “Yeah?”

Friend: “Did you mean the Sistine Chapel?”

Newcomer: “Oh, is that what it’s called? I just thought there were a lot of chapels in Rome so they just started numbering them!”

 

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