These Are Our Kind Of Humans!

, , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2019

(My church has two high-school youth groups: the large main group and a small “misfits” group with less than eight regular attendees, meant for those who are more socially awkward and don’t connect with the main group. I’m a part of the smaller group. After a meeting, I’m talking with the rest of the group: three other girls. A girl from the main group passes us with her family and we see them coming.)

Me: “Oh, crud, humans! Everyone act normal!”

Girl #1: “Hello, fellow human!”

Girl #2: “Yes, hello! We are also humans!”

Me: “Perfectly normal humans!”

Girl #3: “Nothing to see here! We’re just normal humans like you doing normal human things!”

(The girl and her family smile politely and hurry away, probably questioning our sanity.)

Girl #2: *laughing* “This is why we’re the misfits.”

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Find My iPhone: The People Version

, , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2019

(It’s the last night of the county fair, so it’s very crowded. I’m waiting in line with some other parents for their kids to get off a ride that spins you around as it tilts on an axel. As the ride tilts downward, I see something go flying from the ride towards the trucks and generators nearby, just barely missing a windshield. A woman walks away from the crowd and crouches under a pickup truck parked in the mud. When she stands up I see her holding a new iPhone. The woman carefully makes her way through the crowd to the ride operator.)

Woman: “Someone on the ride lost this.”

(When the ride stops, the operator grabs her microphone.)

Operator: “Attention, riders! I got a new phone over here! Anyone lose a phone?”

(The riders all pointed to a teenage girl in tears, and then moved aside so she could get off first.)

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Barking Mad Neighbors

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2019

(I work from home and live next door to a lovely widower with two large white fluffy dogs. One day, I get a knock at the door.)

Woman: “Excuse me?! You need to shut those d*** dogs up!”

Me: “…”

Woman: “They’ve been barking all morning. They’re barking right now! Can’t you hear them?! Are you going to do anything?!”

(There are no dogs barking.)

Woman: “If you don’t do something, I’m going to kick those d*** dogs into next week! I’ve seen your husband walking them. Yes, they’re gorgeous dogs, but you can’t just let them bark like this.”

(I am a lesbian and live alone.)

Me: “I believe you’re mistaken. I don’t have any dogs.”

Woman: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “And if you’re talking about the dogs I think you are, you must have brilliant hearing, because [Neighbour] takes them to doggy daycare three miles from here.”

Woman: “You’d better not be lying to me! I’ll send my big, black husband around to beat up your man if you are!”

Me: “Right.”

(I shut the door in her face and told my neighbour to be on the lookout just in case she did something silly. I later caught a glimpse of her very white, 5’5” husband.)

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A Membership To The Humanity Club

, , , , , | Friendly | October 7, 2019

When I was in my last year of high school, my family got into huge economic problems and I couldn’t afford any kind of luxuries. I had to walk everywhere because even bus fare was beyond our means. I loved to read, but buying any new books was completely out of the question, and I grew tired of re-reading the ones I had at home.

There was only one library within walking distance to my school or home, but I couldn’t afford the very small amount of money needed to become a proper member, so I would hurry there to grab a book and read inside the building for the half-hour between the time I left school and the time the library closed. I would memorize the page I had reached and grab the same book to continue reading the following day. I had managed to read a couple of books after a few weeks of doing the same thing when the librarian called me over one day. To my great surprise, she told me that she had noticed me coming in every day and how enthralled I was in my reading, and offered to let me take out books with her membership, since I couldn’t afford one of my own.

Thanks to her, I was able to take out as many books as I liked during a very hard time in my life and have something new to read comfortably at home whenever I wanted. My family moved cities after that year and I never saw that librarian again, but to this day, I can’t forget her and her act of kindness that brightened my days in a very dark time.

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This Excuse Does Not Work Outside Of Australia

, , , , , | Friendly | October 7, 2019

(I am going to visit a friend, driving along the motorway, and I notice a dead kangaroo with a ute stopped just beyond it. I only really notice it because the traffic has slowed down at that area due to a tow truck manoeuvring to pick up the ute. Later, at my friend’s house, her husband comes in from work and greets me.)

Husband: “How was the drive? Did you have any problems with the kangaroos?”

Me: “No, but there were quite a few dead ones up near [Area].”

Husband: “Really? [Area]? You didn’t happen to notice a white ute stopped along on the way, did you?”

Me: “Actually, yes. It looked like it had hit a kangaroo and was about to get towed. Why?”

Husband: “Two of our apprentices called in this morning saying they’d hit a kangaroo, and my boss didn’t believe them; he thought they were just trying to get a day off. He wanted me to get proof from them; you’ve just provided it!”

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