The Badly Behaving One? It Is Definitely Not You

, , , , , , , | Friendly | October 11, 2017

(I share a name with a few other girls in my grade.)

Girl #1: “Hey, [My Name]!”

Me and Girl #2: “Yeah?”

Girl #1: *staring me directly in the eyes* “It’s not you, you f****** attention w****. Why do you think it would ever be you? It’s always you! Just this once, it’s not you, and you can’t f****** deal with that, can you? You little b****, you just do whatever you want to do and grab whatever measly bits of attention you can scrounge up. Well, you know what? I don’t care. I truly don’t. You can go die in a hole, because it will never. Be. You.” *turns to [Girl #2]* “Anyway! [Classmate #1] is apparently dating [Classmate #2] now! Isn’t that fantastic?!”

Girl #2: “What the living f***, [Girl #1]?”

(I more or less walked away with my jaw on the ground. There’s gotta be a nicer way to tell a person you’re not talking to them.)

Look At All These “Looks!”

, , , , , | Friendly | October 10, 2017

(I’m sitting at the stoplight right next to my apartment building, waiting to turn right onto a major thoroughfare. I see a bus coming down the bus-only lane and realize I’m sticking too far out into the intersection for it to get by. I put my car in reverse to creep back, and go maybe 10 to 12 inches, and discover there was a guy sitting on my tail, and I’ve backed into him. My issue was that I was focused on getting out of the way of the bus and didn’t pay attention to what was behind me like I should have. I get out of the car to address the guy behind me, but he starts the exchange.)

Guy: *gesturing indignantly* “Wha… You… Wha… How… Do you not look?! Do you not look behind you?! How do you not look?!”

Me: “Yeah, I’m sorry about that; I was concentrating on getting out of the way of the bu—”

Guy: “I do not understand how you cannot look! Do you drive and not look?!”

Me: “Yeah, I should have looked but I didn’t. That was my error. I was too far out in front of the—”

Guy: *maintaining his flabbergasted tone* “I do not care about the bus! You are supposed to look! How do you not look behind you?!”

(At this point I look and there is ZERO damage, not even a scuff. He continues.)

Guy: “How can you drive and not look behind you?”

Me: “Yeah… I’ve acknowledged that I should have looked behind me, but—”

Guy: “I do not understand how you not look?!”

Me: “Look, there’s no damage, so… I’m just going to get going. Sorry, again.”

(I get in my car and the guy doesn’t budge, his body language doesn’t alter, and his tone of voice stays the same.)

Guy: “But how do you not look?! You need to look!”

(I drove off while he still stood there and nothing else came of it.)

Time To Give Each Other Some Space

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2017

My girlfriend and I have just moved into a new flat, where we have an allocated, clearly-marked parking space.

We’re some of the first people in the new building to move in, and it’s clear that the owner of a business across the street has been using our car park to avoid the on-street parking charges while the building wasn’t occupied. She parks her brand new, but bottom of the range, BMW in our space. We leave her notes asking her not to do it again, and eventually as our paths cross, I confront her about it.

“But that space is the biggest, and I don’t want my pride and joy being scratched by parking it on the street,” she protests.

I make it clear that it is my space; I have paid for it, and will get her car towed if she does it again. Of course, she does. I don’t have time to call the management company, as we’re off on holiday, but I park my car directly in front of hers, so there’s no way she can get out.

Two weeks later, we return, and both cars are still there. I have a succession of notes through my front door, ranging from nasty: “If you don’t move your car I’ll SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!” to pleading: “I’m so sorry; please just let me get my car out and I’ll never do it again.”

We pop out to the shops in our car, and when we return, the woman’s car is gone. We get a lockable post to stop it happening again, and I mention the story to the barber in the shop next to hers, who happens to be our neighbour. “Oh, that was you?!” he says. “This cut’s free. She’s been doing this to everyone round here for ages. For the last two weeks, she’s had to get the bus home. She won’t stop complaining about how someone like her shouldn’t have to ride the bus.”

Potentially Explosive Neglect

, , , , , | Friendly | October 8, 2017

(I am speaking with my roommate who works at an art store, and used to work at [Popular Retail Chain], which shares a wall with the art store.)

Roommate: “So, we just evacuated [Art Store] because we smelled a gas leak.”

Me: “Did anyone tell [Popular Retail Chain]?”

Roommate: *long pause* “No.”

They Remind You Of The Babe

, , , , | Friendly | October 6, 2017

(I’m working with two coworkers who are several years older than I. Both start singing and quoting a movie back and forth.)

Me: “I have absolutely no idea what you two are on about.”

Coworker #1: “You aren’t that young, are you?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it’s from Labyrinth.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. I watched that years ago. That’s the one where David Bowie is a—”

(All three of us simultaneously:)

Me: “Paedophile.”

Coworker #1: “Hot guy!”

Coworker #2: “Goblin king!”

Me: “Hmmm, guess we all took something different away from that film.”

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