Needs A Roommate Rebate

, , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am meeting up with a friend before a lecture. She is on the phone with someone when I arrive, so stand a little away to not eavesdrop. She has another friend with her who notices me.)

Other Friend: “Excuse me, who are you?”

Me: “I’m [My Name]. I’m just waiting for [Friend].”

Other Friend: “Like she is even interested! She has a boyfriend.”

Me: “I know. I have one, too.”

Other Friend: “One what?”

Me: “Boyfriend.”

(She sneers at me and leans back before turning away. She takes Friend’s phone and whispers something before handing it back and walking away. Friend looks confused, but finishes her call and comes over.)

Friend: “So, what was up with [Other Friend]? She said she had to go, but she has a lecture in the next theater.”

Me: “No idea. All I said was I had a boyfriend.”

Friend: “Oh, that would do it. She’s a homophobe.”

Me: “And you’re friends with her?”

Friend: “We share a room. It’s hard to completely ignore someone when they’re f****** their boyfriend while at the same time telling you that you deserve human rights because ‘The Penis’ has oppressed us for too long. After that you just have to deal with it as best you can.”

They’re Not In The Same Boat

, , , , , | Friendly | June 9, 2017

(I am a kid. Our neighbors tell us about a nice dinner cruise they took on New Year’s and we all decide to go together. We get to the boat.)

Neighbor: “Hello, we’re here for the dinner cruise.”

Worker: *eyes the kids* “Umm, this is an adult cruise.”

Neighbor: *smiling* “What? We did this cruise during New Year’s.”

Worker: *clears throat* “Umm, yeah, we only do the kid-friendly cruises during the holidays.”

Neighbor: “How is the cruise not kid-friendly?”

Worker: “Umm…”

(At that moment, I look through the window of the boat and see a stripper pole. I tell my fellow neighbor’s children.)

Neighbor’s Child: *leans over to her mom and whispers in her ear*

Neighbor: *eyes go wide* “Oh!”

(We ended up going home and ordering pizza!)

Your Temper Is On A Short Leash

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2017

(I live in a dog-friendly apartment complex, which is great, but can be a pain in the case of people like my downstairs neighbor. She constantly lets her dogs out without a leash and then stands around calling for them for several minutes. In this story, this is happening at four in the morning.)

Lady: “Sadie! Oh, Sadie, where are you?”

Male Neighbor: *slams open window* “Buy a god-d*** leash, woman!”

(She hasn’t so far.)

Telling Them Off Is A Breath Of Fresh Air

, , , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2017

(I am shopping at our local dollar store when I come across an old lady in the cleaning aisle, spraying air freshener into the air. And it isn’t little sprays — it is massive “oh, my gosh, who was just in the bathroom!” sprays.)

Me: “Ma’am? You really shouldn’t do that.”

Old Woman: “Why? You’re not my boss!”

Me: “I know, but I’m sure there are others in this store like me who are allergic to the chemicals in those bottles.”

Old Woman: “What the h*** does that have to do with it?”

Me: “Well, let me put it this way: when I have an asthma attack and have to go to the hospital because I can’t breath, are you going to pay for my ambulance ride?”

(The old lady’s face pales. She drops the air fresheners on the ground and scampers away to the other side of the store. I go on with my shopping, holding my breath as I walk through the cloud, and grab the one thing I need from that aisle. A clerk stops me as I leave the aisle. I thought for sure the old lady reported me for something but am surprised when she smiles at me.)

Clerk: “Thank you. We’ve been trying to get her to stop for the last ten minutes but she just kept telling us to f*** off.”

Meet My Other Neighbors; Sex, And Rock & Roll

, , , , | Friendly | June 8, 2017

(The lady across the road from my house had died so her family rented the house out for a while before selling it. The renters were a few guys who had gone to the same school as me. We start noticing they get many visitors on Tuesdays, the visits lasting just a few minutes before the visitors leave while shoving something in their pockets. One day my younger sister comes home from school, absolutely fuming.)

Me: “What’s up with you?”

Sister: “Those f****** druggos across the street, that’s what. I just had [Boy From School] asking me if I lived on [Our Street] and if I knew about the drug house at number 52. I told him it was at 53 not 52. He then called me a druggo for knowing the exact address, so I hit him. Told him that I lived at 52 and if he tried calling me that again I would beat the living s*** out of him.”

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