Turning Water Into Punch-Line

, , , , , | Friendly | May 7, 2018

(I recently reconnected with the Catholic priest from my childhood parish. He is also one of the few Catholic priests I know who does not care for alcohol due to alcoholism negatively affecting his own family. One evening, he comes for a visit and enters my kitchen.)

Priest: “Well, [My Name], what is that in the corner there?”

(He points to a large bottle of wine as he raises his eyebrows at me.)

Me: “Father, that’s water, but Jesus was here, so it might be wine now!”

(He just laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.)

A Beautiful Scam

, , , , | Friendly | May 7, 2018

(I have just left work and am walking down four blocks to meet up with my husband at his building to head home. I’m about halfway there when an older man stops me on the sidewalk.)

Man: “Oh, miss, I just had to stop you to tell you how beautiful you are!”

Me: “Uh, thanks.”

(I assume he is going to try and sell me something, so I am prepared to turn whatever it is down.)

Man: “You must be stopped like this all the time. How often does this happen to you, miss?”

Me: *thinking that if I appear overconfident perhaps he will stop badgering me*All the time. Constantly.”

Man: “Oh, how nice for you, miss. Now, how do you respond when people say this to you?”

Me: “I say, ‘Thank you.’”

Man: “That’s all? You don’t offer to take them out for lunch or dinner to thank them for such a wonderful compliment?”

Me: *now convinced this man is trying to get a free meal from me* “I tell them that I’m on my way to meet my husband.”

Man: “OH. Oh, I see. OH. Okay. Um… Okay, well, you tell him that is very lucky man and that you get stopped on the street. Oh. Okay. Bye now.”

(It might have been flattering if it didn’t seem like he was trying to scam me! My husband got a good laugh out of it later.)

Pokémon Red And Black

, , , , , | Friendly | May 6, 2018

(I crocheted a Pokémon. The pattern is complicated, due to the Pokémon having a weird shape and lots of little pieces that need to be made and sewed on. I also made a major mistake, didn’t realize it until several rounds later, and had to undo half of it to fix it, so once it’s finally finished I’m quite proud of it. I show it off to my friends.)

Friend: “Oh, wow! You made a Lugia!”

Me: “Yep. It took me forever to work on that. I think I was working on it off and on for most of this week.”

Friend: “Can I have it?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Friend: “Can I have it? It’s nice. I want one.”

Me: “I made that because I wanted it, and no, you can’t just have it for free.”

Friend: “Why not? Can’t you just make another one?”

Me: “Did you miss the part where I said I worked on it for about a week?”

Friend: “So, can I buy one, then?”

Me: “Sure, but it might take me a while to do it, because I don’t feel like crocheting another complicated pattern so soon, and it’ll cost you $100.”

Friend: “$100? It’s not worth that much!”

Me: “Trust me, you’re probably getting this for a lot less than it’s worth.”

Friend: “I’ll give you $20 for it.”

Me: “I am not taking $20 for something that took that much time and effort to make.”

(He argues with me back and forth, raising his offer to a “generous” $30, when finally I get fed up and pull out my phone calculator and a piece of paper.)

Me: “Okay, since you don’t seem to understand this, how about we break it down and calculate the worth? First, the yarn that went into making it. I used the majority of a brand-new skein of white yarn that cost me about $3. The rest of the yarn for the blue bits was probably about a dollar’s worth, and the Fiberfill used is probably about a dollar’s worth at most, too.”

Friend: “Okay, so that’s only about $5. Nowhere near $100.”

Me: “I’m not done. It’s not just the material that went into making it; you also have to factor in the time spent on it. I don’t have an exact estimate of how long I worked on this, but let’s say about five hours a day for five days. That seems about right.”

Friend: “So, 25 hours altogether?”

Me: “Right. Now, the minimum wage in Pennsylvania is $7.25 an hour, so multiply that by 25, and that’s $181.25, plus the $5 for materials, which brings your total for the Pokémon amigurumi up to $186.25. I expect that all in cash, and I don’t take payment until it’s done for people I know personally, so you’ll have some time to save up.”

Friend: “Uh… What else can you make?”

(I ended up making him a Charmander,  and charged him $20 for it because it was a lot easier and less time-consuming. Let’s hope he learned something and doesn’t pull this again with me or someone else.)

You Have Goth To Be Kidding

, , , , , | Friendly | May 5, 2018

(We just finished auditioning for “High School Musical” and are making small talk with the director, who knows most of us pretty well. The audition dealt a lot with the different cliques in the show and how they would be portrayed, so our conversation inevitably drifts to that.)

Actor: “I asked [Musical Director] if we could have an emo clique, but he said emos can’t be in musicals.”

Director: “Well, actually, I’m thinking there will be a group of… I think I’ll call them, ‘Utility Students’… who will play different things in different scenes. Like, sometimes if I need two extra brainiacs, they’ll be brainiacs. So they’ll probably be emos and goths for at least one scene.”

Actor: *extremely cheerful and upbeat* “Yes! I am amazing at being emo! Like, seriously, I know I’m wearing a colorful sweater right now, but my entire wardrobe is black and blacker. I’m the most emo person you’ve ever met!”

(They didn’t seem to catch the irony.)

Turning Into A Big No-No

, , , , | Friendly | May 4, 2018

(My friend and I are walking out from science class.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], if you answer the next question with no, you will win a million dollars.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the question?”

Friend: “Are you ready?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: “Okay, I’ll give you some more time.”

(They wait for a minute.)

Friend: “You ready now?”

Me: “No.”

Friend: *starts laughing* “See, you’ll never win, right?”

Me: “No.” *smiles some*

Friend: “Wait…”

Page 5/717First...34567...Last
« Previous
Next »