Listening To A Musical “Duality”

, , , , , | Friendly | March 5, 2018

(I’m on a late bus home after a hard day at work. I’m sat minding my own business, listening to “The Beatles” whilst reading a book. Sat opposite me is an older man who appears to have had a few drinks. He starts poking me in the shoulder, causing me to take out my earphone.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Man: *still poking me whilst yelling* “Will you turn that s*** off?! It’s way too loud!”

Me: “I have this at half volume and the rest of the bus is empty. If you think you can hear it, then please f*** off to another seat.”

(At this point, I put my earphone back in and try to go back to reading. He keeps poking me and I try my best to ignore it, but after two more minutes I take my earphone out again.)

Me: “What the f*** is your problem?”

Man: “I told you to stop listening to that loud rubbish, so turn it off!”

Me: “I am listening to The Beatles, and it’s not loud. If you keep touching me, I will change to heavy metal and turn it up to full blast. You have two options: f*** off and leave me alone, or I listen to Slipknot at full blast. Up to you.”

(I put my earphone in and ignore him. He moves, and all of a sudden my earphone gets ripped out of my ear. The man shoves his phone into my ear, playing some obnoxious ringtone. I grab his phone and throw it down the bus, smashing it against the back of the bus driver’s cabinet.)

Me: *yelling* “Who the f*** do you think you are? You touch me again, and it won’t be just your phone smashed into pieces!”

(The man ran to the front of the bus where the bus driver laughed at his complaint and kicked him off at the next stop.)

Can’t Get Pregnant, Or Any Sympathy

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 4, 2018

(I’m recently married and struggling to get pregnant. I thought I was pregnant, but was just under such extreme stress, I missed a period. This occurs two weeks after I find out I’m not pregnant. I am talking to two coworkers I know really well. I tend to have a dark sense of humor, and if I don’t laugh about bad situations, I’ll cry.)

Me: “Well, at least I no longer need condoms! I can’t get knocked up, anyway!”

(We all laugh.)

Coworker #1: “Seriously, though, what’re the doctors saying?”

(Before I can even say anything:)

Coworker #2: “Well, you need to suck it up. My sister can’t get pregnant, either. Neither can my sister-in-law. You’re not special.”

([Coworker #1] and I just stared at her. I go out of my way to avoid talking to her now that I don’t work there. It’s six months later, and I’m still not pregnant, but we’re still trying!)

Work Experience Can Shape Generations

, , , , | Friendly | March 3, 2018

(I’m in my local library on the computers searching for a book, when I hear a child yell suddenly and feel someone tug at the back of my shirt.)

Boy: “HEY, LADY!”

(I turn around to see a little boy I worked with at his preschool while doing work experience.)

Boy: “I know you. You were a teacher at my school. You were teaching with Mrs. [Teacher].” *turns to dad* “Dad! Dad, this is Miss [My Name]; she was at my school.”

(The dad and I nod to each other.)

Me: “Hi there, [Boy]. I sure was! I had lots of fun with you guys, too. Want to know something pretty cool?” *the boy nods* “Your teacher, Mrs. [Teacher], was my teacher when I was little.”

(His eyes go really wide.)

Boy: “Wow, you’re really old!”

(His dad laughed and told him they had to go. I guess 16 is really old to a four-year-old.)

A Touch Too Much

, , , , | Friendly | March 2, 2018

(My sister has three children under five and is pregnant with her fourth. She is at a zoo, with her three-year-old and one-year-old in a double stroller, and her five-year-old walking along with her. She turns and bends down to talk with her five-year-old about one of the animals, and hears this behind her.)

Three-Year-Old: “Her name is [One-Year-Old]. Mommy doesn’t let people we don’t know touch her. No touching her.”

(My sister turns around to see an old lady trying to get her one-year-old child out of the stroller. She starts getting up, but as she’s pregnant, so it takes a bit.)

Sister: “I’m sorry, but I’d really rather you leave her in the stroller.”

Woman: “Did you hear what your son said to me? It’s so disrespectful.”

Sister: “I heard him very respectfully stand up for his sister who can’t talk for herself, and follow the rules I’ve given him.”

(The woman now notices that she’s pregnant, and runs over and begins rubbing her pregnant belly.)

Woman: “Oh, and you have another little one! I just love pregnant women. They just glow.”

Sister: “I can see the pattern here, because you don’t have permission to touch me, either.”

Woman: “Oh, you’re a mother. You can’t mind people touching you! I’m sure they’re—” *gesturing to the children* “—climbing all over you constantly.”

Sister: “But they’re my children. You’re not my child.”

How Do You Say “Bird-Brained” In Cantonese?

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 2, 2018

(I’m in a park in Hong Kong, where they have an aviary with a wide variety of exotic birds, including several species of parrots.)

Parrot: “Hello!”

(I see an older gentleman, presumably a tourist from Mainland China, yelling at this bird.)

Man: “Ni hao ma!”

Parrot: “Hello!”

Man: “Ni hao ma!”

Parrot: “Hello!”

Man: “NI HAO MA!”

Parrot: “Hello!”


(Good luck trying to teach Mandarin to a bird that can only speak English in a region that primarily speaks Cantonese!)

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