Some People Really, REALLY Should Not Have Kids

, , , , , | Friendly | September 3, 2020

I had a classmate who was lovely but not really bright. She had gotten pregnant and was telling me how it happened. She genuinely believed her boyfriend wouldn’t be able to impregnate her because he smoked. I asked her when she found out. She told me she went to the doctor and he told her she was just a bit pregnant. The Dutch love sarcasm.

So, she went on with her daily life thinking she was partially pregnant. Eventually, she had an ultrasound and that is when it hit her. They got married, and five months after giving birth, she was at the doctor again believing she was just a bit pregnant. 

They are expecting baby number three now.

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I’m Not Your Bro And My Dog Isn’t, Either

, , , , , | Friendly | September 2, 2020

I live in a large apartment complex and a lot of people like to mess with my dog, but this one entitled dude takes the cake.

Entitled Dude: “Hey, that’s a nice dog. What breed?”

Me: “Thanks. He’s a pit mix.”

Entitled Dude: “How old is he?”

Me: “Almost five.”

I continue walking.

Entitled Dude: “How much do you want for him?”

Me: “What? He’s not for sale. He’s my ESA.”

Entitled Dude: “What’s an ESA? And name your price.”

Me: “Emotional support animal, and no. He’s not for sale.”

Entitled Dude: “You don’t need a dog for emotional support; he’s a pit bull, anyway. That’s a fighting dog. Let me buy him; I can make lots off of him.”

Me: “Dude. He’s not for sale. Just leave us alone.”

Entitled Dude: “Come on, man. Everyone has a price; name it.”

Me: “This is the last time I’m saying this. He. Is. Not. For. Sale. Bye.”

This dude proceeds to follow me on the rest of our walk back to my apartment building. I get nervous because I notice he’s walking behind me.

Me: “Dude, stop following me. You got a problem?”

Entitled Dude: “Nah, bro. I just want your dog, bro. Come on, bro!”

Me: “I’m not your bro, and no. Seriously, f*** off. You’re not having my dog. Come near me or my dog again and you’re gonna end up in the hospital.”

He leaves.

Four hours later, I am walking my dog again and a police officer comes up to talk to me and asks if I am who I am. I say yes, and he says he was called because I threatened to stab someone. I tell him the situation, tell him who the guy was, and show him a video of the guy following me. He just apologizes for the situation and goes to find the guy. So, yeah. People suck.

A week goes by and my wife is walking my dog because I am in the shower. I get out to five missed calls and thirty text messages. This guy tried to STEAL MY DOG from my wife. He talked to her for a minute and then tried grabbing my dog by the harness and taking off, but my dog slipped out of his hand and a neighbor stopped him from hurting my wife or dog.

He tried hitting my VERY pregnant wife before the neighbor tackled him. They called the police and he got arrested for stalking, assault, and attempted kidnapping. In my state, ESAs are considered people and are taken very seriously. The nerve on this guy.

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All Aboard The Passive-Aggressive Express!

, , , , | Friendly | September 1, 2020

I have endometriosis. It’s a fairly common condition, which is unfortunate, because it can also be extremely painful and lead to a whole lot of other physical and mental health problems.

I have just had my second surgery, which went well enough, but I have been in pain and feeling quite weak for a few days after. On the first day I feel like leaving the house, I am to meet my partner for lunch at a place not too far away from home. Usually, I would walk, but I’m still weak, so I opt to take the tram for two stops.

This particular tram line is not used a lot, especially on these stops, so I have the whole vehicle to myself. I still don’t take a priority seat, preferring a seat right near the door, so it would be easier to get up and out; in contrast to this, priority seats have more space that can also accommodate wheelchairs, walkers, prams, etc.

On the next stop, a woman also gets in, carrying a multitude of shopping bags. She turns around, sees me, and decides to stand right next to me, huffing dramatically. Again, the tram is otherwise empty.

I could explain that I have just had surgery and prefer to sit next to the door and that she is free to take any of the remaining fifty-nine seats. However, it’s none of her business, and… she’s free to take any of the remaining fifty-nine seats!

So, I prefer to pretend not to see her, looking happily through the window. I get off at the next stop, and she huffs again because she has to move for me to stand up and again in order to take the seat.

I like to tell this story when people tell me young people are inconsiderate. I would probably have sucked it up if the tram had been full and she had bothered to ask me. But being passive-aggressive with me will only bring people more of the same.

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That’s One Crappy Camping Trip!

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2020

During my preteen and teen years, my dad made it a family goal to take me and my brother camping to every cold spring in Florida. After a while of doing this, we had a pretty solid routine down, so one morning, I get ready to go swimming first and grab a couple of watermelons to chill with me while my dad and brother secure the site.

I swim out to the middle of the spring, where it’s blasting out water up from beneath me, and relax back with my fruity buoys. A while passes and I realize that my family hasn’t joined me. I look around and spot them in a crowd standing on the boardwalk on the shore, so I start to paddle over. They must have already seen where I was, as the moment I start moving, they both frantically start waving their arms and making Xs in a clear “DO NOT COME OVER HERE” signal. Not one to argue with that sort of display, I settle in to wait.

Eventually, my family does join me, along with a throng of people who had also been held up on the boardwalk, and I learn what happened. A family had entered the water before everyone and one of their children had apparently soiled themselves to the point that their swimsuit was bulging with it. The child was jumping up and trying to get onto one of the blow-up floats the family had, but kept missing, and each time they missed little logs would pop out and go floating down the river. Obviously, no one wanted to enter the water with this going on, thus the crowd.

Thankfully, my position in the spring kept all the water flowing away from me, and the river itself was fast-moving, so the… debris… was cleared quickly, but I still don’t understand why the family didn’t just take their child to get cleaned up or how they remained oblivious to the problem they caused around them!

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Sounds Like A Good Dothraki Wedding To Us

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2020

My husband and I are both volunteer firefighters at a volunteer fire company in Delaware while he is stationed at Dover Air Force Base. The fire company has a banquet hall that it rents out for events and also provides catering and bar service.

My husband and I have volunteered to assist the catering manager for a wedding. The groom is an Airman originally from West Virginia but stationed at Dover Air Force Base and the bride is his high school sweetheart. The wedding is a total disaster or a laugh-out-loud redneck fest, depending upon how you looked at it.

Here are some highlights:

After the wedding ceremony concluded and cocktail hour had started, my husband caught a bunch of rednecks drinking moonshine — illegal bootleg corn whiskey —  in the fire hall parking lot. This is illegal and could have cost the fire company its liquor license. My husband kindly asked the gentlemen to stop drinking in the parking lot. When they refused, he radioed on his duty radio for the town police to come. Said rednecks were angry about the police coming so they decided to storm into the fire hall to confront my husband. They ended up being chased out of the hall by our fire chief at the time, a very large Native American man who happens to be able to bench press over 300 pounds. The offending rednecks were then ordered off of the fire company property by the town police.

During the dinner, my husband and I were serving the requested meal of roast beef and gravy, mashed potatoes, etc. I was serving the gravy to the guests by ladling the requested number of scoops onto the guests’ plates after my husband put the plates down before the guests. I was walking back to the kitchen when a little girl tugged the sleeve of my shirt and said, “Paw Paw wants more gravy!” I had already served “Paw Paw,” an elderly man, three scoops of gravy. I took a fresh pitcher of gravy over to Paw Paw, and apparently, he wanted a grand total of ten scoops of gravy, literally flooding his plate! It was really lucky that we were in a fire station, just in case Paw Paw had a stroke from consuming that much salt!

The evening concluded with the bride getting into a knock-down, drag-out drunken argument with her mother because there wasn’t enough money on the bar to cover an open bar for an entire night. The bride then puked all over her gown and the handicap stall in the women’s restroom. She started screaming at me and stating that I should be fired because I was quite obviously trying not to laugh at the disaster that I had been watching unfold all night long. I informed her that both my husband and I were volunteers so we couldn’t be fired. The bride then tried to scream at me again but ended up puking all over my shoes.

One of her more sober friends drug her out of the fire hall and stuffed her into a pickup truck, separate from the groom. The groom, who wasn’t nearly as drunk, ended up apologizing to us for everything. 

It’s been five years since this happened and my husband and I often wonder if the bride and groom are still married.

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