Kim-Possibly Cute

, , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2019

(The notification on my phone is a sound effect from one of my favorite cartoons when I was younger. One day, as I’m heading to class, I realize at the last second I’ve forgotten to put my phone on silent. I stop in the hallway to do so, and just as I take it out of my purse, I receive an email and the notification goes off. The volume is low, but the hallway is pretty much empty, so I suppose it must echo a bit.)

Voice: *from around the corner, excitedly* “WHAT’S THE SITCH?!”

(Made my day!)

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No Happy Ending To This (Pony)Tale

, , , , | Friendly | November 19, 2019

(I’ve recently cut my shoulder-blade-length hair, which I usually keep in a ponytail, to chin-length. Despite having been with him for several hours, it takes until bedtime for the three-year-old I babysit to notice. He likes to hold onto my ponytail while he sits on my lap, for reasons unknown, and when we’re reading a story, he goes to do just that… before realizing there isn’t one. He looks at me with concern.)

Child: “[My Name], did you leave your ponytail at home today?!”

Me: “No, honey, I cut my hair. It’s gone now.”

Child: “But where is it?”

Me: “It was cut off when I got my hair cut. Like when Mama cuts your hair.”

Child: “What happened to it?”

Me: “It was thrown away.”

Child: “In the road?”

Me: “Uh…”

Child: “You need to get it!”

(No amount of explaining could dissuade him of the idea that I couldn’t just re-attach about six inches of hair to the back of my head, even if I had kept it.)

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Going To Sue You For The Whole Penny You’ve Got!

, , , , | Friendly | November 19, 2019

(I am leaving the doctor’s office and waiting to exit the side road. The road ends on a downward incline toward the stop sign. There is one car waiting at the stop sign. As I’m waiting, my foot slips off the brake and I quickly put it back, but not before I accidentally tap the back bumper of the car in front of me. As I’m putting the car in reverse, I hear, “My back! My back!” in an unnaturally screeching voice. Horrified, I watch the driver get out, hands balled into fists. Although I know it’s my fault, I also barely touched the car and this guy’s reaction seems extreme.)

Old Man: “What the h*** are you doing? I’m calling the police and we’re going to sue you for every penny you’ve got! My wife just broke her back! You f****** idiot, you’re going to pay for this!”

Me: *stammering, rolling down the window* “I’m so sorry, sir, my foot slipped off the brake. I—”

Old Man: “Ah, typical f****** millennial, probably driving without a license! You kids these days, you’re the biggest idiots in human history. Look what you’ve done to my wife.”

Me: *getting out of the car in horror, bracing myself for the worst* “Sir, I’m so sorry, I—”

(The old man looks me up and down. I’m wearing the rattiest clothes you could imagine since I didn’t bother to dress up for my appointment. I see his wife leaning out of the driver’s side, definitely not in the agony you’d expect for a broken back. The woman gestures to her husband to come over and then whispers something into his ear. They look at me.)

Old Man: “Um, erm… So, I guess my wife is fine, actually. No need for trouble.” *laughs nervously* “Have a good day.”

(He got into the car and they sped off, nearly getting T-boned by another car. I guess they figured I wasn’t worth suing!)

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Red, White, Blue, Black, Yellow, Who Cares?

, , , | Friendly | November 18, 2019

(I am photocopying my passport for a trip later this week when a man lines up behind me waiting to use the printer. I finish quickly and am about to leave. I am Asian and look very Asian, and the man behind me is black.)

Man: “Excuse me, miss. Is that an American passport?”

Me: “Yes, it is?”

Man: “So, you’re an American citizen?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Man: “But you’re Chinese.”

Me: “Actually, I was born here.”

Man: “But you’re Chinese!”

Me: “Yes, I am well aware that I’m Chinese. I am also well aware that I was born here; therefore, I am a US citizen.”

Man: “BUT YOU’RE CHINESE! HOW COULD YOU BE AMERICAN?!”

Me: “Are you saying only white people are American?”

(I’m getting very fed up with this obviously racist dude.)

Man: “H*** NAH, EXCUSE ME? THAT’S SO RACIST! OH, MY GOD! I AM AMERICAN! HOW DARE YOU SAY I’M NOT AMERICAN BECAUSE OF MY SKIN COLOR?!”

Me: “Exactly! So, I’m also American even though I’m not white!”

Man: “BUT YOU’RE CHINESE! THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!”

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Totally Estúpido! Part 9

, , , , , | Friendly | November 18, 2019

(I am on holiday in an all-inclusive hotel complex on the Spanish island of Mallorca. The hotel is a mixture of English, German, Dutch, Russian, and Spanish holidaymakers. I am English but used to live in Spain many years ago. My Spanish is a little rusty at times, but I still try to use it as much as often when speaking to Spanish inhabitants, mainly as I find it a bit more respectful than just expecting them to speak English. Sadly, some of my compatriots don’t think the same way, and many English holidaymakers don’t make the effort to learn even one or two words of Spanish that may help them get by. I have just been served a beer at the bar of the hotel, and I have just had a brief, pleasant conversation with the barman, in Spanish. As I am walking away from the bar, a fellow holidaymaker from England who I talked to a few days ago notices me with the beer in my hand and approaches me.)

Holidaymaker: “Where did you get that beer from?”

Me: *motioning behind me to the large bar that I am about five feet from* “Erm, from the bar.”

Holidaymaker: “Aww, I really want a beer.”

(He then looks at me expectantly. An awkward silence follows.)

Me: “Umm… just go and ask for one at the bar, then?”

Holidaymaker: “But… I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Erm… okay. I’m pretty sure that the barman speaks English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… I heard you talking to him in Spanish. Why would you do that if he speaks English?”

Me: “Because I can speak Spanish and we’re in Spain. It’s not a big deal. Honestly, I don’t think he will mind if you can’t speak Spanish. Just ask him for one in English.”

Holidaymaker: “But… you’re English. Why didn’t you ask him in English? Are you taking the mickey out of me?”

Me: *utterly confused by now* “What?”

Other Holidaymaker: “If he speaks English, and you’re English, then why didn’t you ask him in English?”

(There is another long awkward silence.)

Me: *trying to get away from him* “Lo siento mucho, señor. No hablo ingles.”

(I walked away from him, leaving him totally and utterly confused.)

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 8
Totally Estupido, Part 7
Totally Estupido, Part 6

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