Keep That Kind Of Tip To Yourself

, , , | | Friendly | August 2, 2019

(I go into the restaurant where I work to collect my paycheck. I have my three-year-old brother with me, and I see a regular paying for her order, who is usually very nice and a great tipper.)

Me: “Hi, [Regular]! How are you today?”

Regular: “I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Regular: “Aren’t you only eighteen?”

Me: “Yes, I–“

Regular: “That’s what’s wrong with the world these days. Stupid teenagers getting pregnant, having children, and dropping out of school to be deadbeat waitresses and live off welfare. Taking all my hard-earned money to support their drug habits while their kids are starving! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

Brother: “[My Name], I hungry.”

Regular: “I bet you didn’t even tell him you’re his mother. I bet that’s why he doesn’t call you ‘Mommy’!”

Me: “He doesn’t call me ‘Mommy’ because I’m his sister. And even if I was his mother, you know for a fact that I’m in school, and it wouldn’t really be any of your business if I wasn’t. Besides, if it wasn’t for us ‘deadbeat waitresses,’ you wouldn’t have anyone to serve you your meal when you come here.”

Regular: “Well, it’s still not right!” *stomps off*

Brother: “MEAN LADY!” *pause* “Can I have chocolate?”

(My boss overheard the whole thing and insisted on giving us some free desserts, and we never saw that customer again!)

This Guy Is Far Out

, , , , , | | Friendly | August 2, 2019

(People often come to Fort Lauderdale expecting to be right on the beach, despite the fact that the bus station is downtown.)

Lost Guy: “Where’s the beach?”

Me: “You have to take the city bus.”

Lost Guy: “Which one?”

Me: “The 10.”

Lost Guy: *sees a bus far down the street* “Which one is that?”

Me: *unable to see far enough to read* “I don’t know.”

Lost Guy: “You don’t know much, do you?”

Me: “I know where I am.”

Oof, And Also Yikes

, , , , , , | | Friendly | August 1, 2019

I recently overheard this at the apartment pool:

“I told him I wished he’d die in a car accident, and then he died in that car accident? I meant it, but I didn’t mean it mean it.”

Snoopy and Charlie Brown Weren’t This Close

, , , , | | Friendly | August 1, 2019

I was visiting my parents. We were sitting in the garden when their neighbour came over with her foster dog, a cute, old beagle. It was standing next to her while she talked to us, not moving a lot. After some time and without any context, she leaned down to the dog, opened its mouth with both hands, and spat inside. Then, she continued the conversation with us just like nothing had happened.

The dog looked confused. We were confused. It took her a while to realise we actually did not find that normal. Her explanation was, “Oh, we just have that special bond!”

I don’t think the dog shared that opinion.

What A Loser

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 31, 2019

(During a vacation with my girlfriend, her sister, and her sister’s boyfriend, we stop in a casino. This particular casino allows smoking inside, but also has designated non-smoking areas, including a non-smoking casino. This is heaven for me, since my allergies have been acting up the whole trip and tobacco smoke, while normally just a smelly bother, is now making things worse. Within the first hour of our visit, three of us have rotten luck — unable to get even some baby wins to keep us playing a little longer — and want to jump back in our car and take off.)

Boyfriend: “Uh, I just ordered a beer.” *holds up a half-full beer bottle* “Can I finish it off?”

Sister: “Yeah, sure. What’s one beer, right?”

(My girlfriend and I agree. Due to how quickly each of us lost $50, we opt not to gamble anymore, instead waiting in a hall just outside the casino’s restaurant. The problem with that is that this put us directly adjacent to an area that allows smoking, and the air conditioning is blowing the smoke our way. I spend the next 15 minutes sneezing almost constantly with tears streaking across my face.)

Girlfriend: “He nursing that beer?”

Me: “I’ll find him. I need to head through, anyway.”

(Within the non-smoking casino is the nearest restroom, which in turn means it has the nearest tissues to blow my nose. Before I head there, I wander around the casino for a while until I find him.)

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Boyfriend: “Just playing. What’s up with you?”

Me: “The girls and I are getting killed by the smoke and would like to leave.”

Boyfriend: “Sure. Just let me finish my beer.” *holds up a nearly-full bottle*

(I shrug and make my way to the restroom. Yes, he ordered another beer. But since he knew we wanted to leave, I conclude he has to be on a hot streak, and I’m not about to break it. I rejoin the girls and relay all of this, and we agree to wait. So begins a 30-minute wait of pure agony for me. Over the course of this, I cross to the restroom a few more times, trying to see how he’s doing each time. Each time, he’s too engrossed to look up, and I ignore him thinking he’s winning. On the last trip, as I am making my way back to the girls, I bump into his girlfriend, who is extremely cranky at this point. I direct her to where I last saw her boyfriend to see what she can do.)

Sister: “[Boyfriend]! What the f***?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, hey! What’s up?”

Sister: “We want to go! Finish up!”

Boyfriend: “C’mon! I’m feeling lucky!”

(At that, she leans over and whispers into his ear. I don’t know what she says, but from the way his face lights up, it has to be dirty.)

Boyfriend: “Just let me cash in!”

Sister: “Five minutes!”

(We resume our positions, and five minutes turns into ten.)

Sister: “Let’s go! If he’s winning this much, he can take a limo back to the hotel!”

(We pile in and drive off. Probably two hours later, I get a call. Guess who?)

Me: “Hey, [Boyfriend]! Where are you?”

Boyfriend: “In front of [Casino]’s parking lot. Where are you guys?”

Me: “We took off a while ago.”

Boyfriend: “Oh. So… when can I expect you?”

Me: “We’re not dropping everything for you. Take your winnings and get a car.”

Boyfriend: “I don’t have any winnings. I’m broke.”

Me: “What do you mean, you’re broke? You kept going after your luck soured?”

Boyfriend: “No, I had no luck all day.”

Me: “So, why the f*** did you keep playing when we wanted to leave?”

Boyfriend: “I figured my luck would have to change eventually and I’d get it back.”

(Despite my better judgement, I dropped everything to get him. He never told me personally how much he lost, but the tongue-lashing he got continued until the following morning, and based on the clothes scattered around their room, I’m pretty sure there was suspicion he was trying to hide his winnings. The rest of the trip was tense, with none of us talking to him. Once the trip was over — and I mean, immediately upon dropping him off at his apartment — the sister broke up with him.)