Homeowners Rejoice, As Method For Dealing With Nosy Neighbors Is A Logger-Rhythm

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 7, 2018

(I’ve had several gum trees removed from my property at different times over the past few years, each by different companies. Every company I’ve dealt with has charged a fee to remove the logs. You obviously also have to pay for logs that you want to purchase from the shops… so if you have a use for them yourself, it would be insane to pay to remove them then pay to replace them when you want them. Some people don’t understand this, and like everything, people always want something for nothing. I work from home with my one-year-old. It gets pretty hectic, but she and I manage to have a pretty good time out of it. It does mean that sometimes it takes a while to get outdoorsy jobs done, though. We had a tree pulled down a few weeks back, and carting the loads from the front to back has taken some time as they’re massive and I just move a bit during my child’s nap. My husband is guiltless in this one, as he’s been absolutely swamped with work, so I have no problem doing it on my own, slowly. I get a knock on the door one day.)

Woman: “Are you using those logs?”

Me: “Um, hello! I will be, yes.”

Woman: “But they’ve been there weeks.”

Me: “Yes, they have.”

Woman: “Will you use them all? I want them.”

Me: “Sorry, but I will be using them all.”

Woman: “Do you have a fire? I have a fire. I need them.”

Me: “Sorry, but tough. I will be using them.”

Woman: “You could buy more.”

Me: “So could you.”

Woman: “What about that pile?”

Me: “They’re accounted for, too.”

Woman: “For your fire?”

Me: “For my friend. Look, sorry, but we’re going in circles here.”

Woman: “So, if they’re still there in a while, can I take them?”

Me: *thinking it’ll shut her up* “Yep, sounds good.”

(She promptly left, looking satisfied. And that’s the story of how I called in a favour for some babysitting so I could move around fifteen wheelbarrow loads around the back in one day. The muscles I’ve surely improved, not to mention the look I imagine on her face, made it totally worth it.)

Halloween Horror, As Teenage Treat Turns Into Trick

, , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(This happens while I am outside handing out candy to kids coming around for trick or treating. A thirteen year old kid I know walks up to me with a couple of friends. I give three pieces of candy each to her and her friends.)

Me: “Have a happy Halloween; be safe.”

Kid: *starts walking away happily* “We will; don’t worry.”

(She gets to the end of my driveway and turns around a corner to where I can’t see her. I think nothing of it, but pretty soon I see someone who looks nearly identical to the kid from before, but wearing fewer parts of the costume she had on.)

Me: “[Kid], I know it’s you; you aren’t getting more candy.”

(She looked at me for a moment and, realizing that she’d been caught, lunged at my cauldron of candy, grabbing a handful of it before running off to her friends, who all ran off, as well, giggling, thinking they’d won. But I was still the one who had her parents right there next to me, who saw the entire thing go down.)

Screaming At Strangers In Public Proves Ineffective Way To Elevate Your Request

, , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2018

(I am in the elevator in a building on my campus which I rarely set foot in, going to the fourth floor. The elevator stops on the third floor and a half-dozen people get off. There’s a fancily-dressed woman in her forties standing maybe ten feet away, looking a little bit confused. She looks at all the people leaving the elevator and going off, some walking right by her, but she doesn’t attempt to speak to any of them. After they’ve left, she looks at me, still in the elevator.)

Woman: “Do you know if there’s a restaurant in this building?”

(I pause as I think about it, but realize I just have no clue and shake my head.)

Me: “No, I don’t.”

(The elevator doors start to slide closed and I think nothing more of it. The woman then runs over to the elevator, forces the doors back open with her hands, and sticks her head in while looking at me very intently.)

Woman: *very frantically and unnecessarily loudly* “What? What?! I didn’t hear what you just said! WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

(Wide-eyed and alarmed, I rear back away from her.)

Me: “Uh. I don’t know. I said I don’t know. Sorry.”

(The woman stares at me for several beats, very skeptically, and in a kind of crazed way, while still forcibly holding the elevator doors open.)

Woman: “Oh. Well.”

(She stares at me skeptically some more, then finally, very reluctantly, steps back and lets the elevator doors go. I keep on looking at her in alarm, then start to repeatedly press the “close doors” button in the elevator to try to get away from her as fast as possible. Lady, really, I don’t care what your issues are, but the one person who’s stayed in the elevator, with the doors about to close, is really NOT the best person to try to ask for directions.)

In Amazing Moment Of Inspiration, Ride-Share Apps Start To Tell Passengers Which Cars Are Theirs

, , , , | Friendly | November 5, 2018

(One rainy Sunday, my best friend and I go for lunch at one of our favorite fast food places. As we’re leaving, she asks if we can swing by the mall across the street so she can run into the bookstore and get a drink from that famous coffee chain. I agree on the condition that I don’t have to go in. I drop her at the bookstore entrance, and then loop around the parking lot so I can idle the car in front of the door until she comes out. My car has this function where all of the doors automatically unlock when I put it in park, but my mind is wandering and I don’t think about this. I’m in the process of retrieving my cell phone from my purse to put it on the charger when one of the door opens.)

Me: *not looking* “Are you done already? Why are you getting in the back seat?”

(I look up and meet the eyes of a complete stranger. A young man is staring at me in a kind of horror.)

Me: “Can I help you?!”

Man: “You… you aren’t my Lyft driver, are you?”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Man: “Oh, God. I’m so sorry.”

(He shut the door and scurried back to where he had been waiting. For the record, I’m not a Lyft OR Uber driver and do not have one of those identifying stickers on my car. As soon as he shut the door, I locked the car and texted my friend to HURRY UP. I understand that waiting around to be picked up is annoying and dull, but for heaven’s sake, make sure you’re looking at the right car before you try to get in!)

Pool Monitors Neglected To Be Informed To Now Monitor For Signs Of Neglect

, , , , , | Friendly | November 5, 2018

I am working as a pool monitor. I’m a 5’4” woman who weighs 180 pounds on a good day. The pool is five feet deep, with no lifeguard. Signs are everywhere saying so.

A lady and a ten-year-old boy show up. He immediately gets in while the lady sets down her stuff and starts talking to her friends. Nobody is paying attention to the kid. She continues talking to her friends and he starts wading to the middle of the pool — the deep part in this particular pool — and all of a sudden he’s jumping up and down with his hands up in the air. He’s drowning. The look on his face as he looks around for help while bobbing just out of safety’s reach still pops into my head.

It’s a good thing I’m paying attention, as I jump into the pool and drag this kid, who weighs as much as me, to the shallow end.

After dragging him out and telling him to sit for a bit before I teach him how to swim, the lady thanks me and tells me she thought he was playing! She wasn’t even watching him!

I realise that I’ll have to teach the kids in the neighborhood to swim… along with a few of the parents!

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