A Sign From God

, , , , , | Friendly | January 24, 2020

Some years ago, the city I live in was inundated with screaming God botherers — no, not Christians; there are profound differences between the two — who made it a point to stop anyone who entered the city center.

Having no idea that these oxygen thieves were around, I went into town to do some shopping. As I wandered through the pedestrianised area, one of them rushed up to me and thrust a Bible into my hands.

I reached into my breast pocket and pulled out a pen.

I signed that Bible, handed it back saying, “Always nice to meet a fan,” and sauntered off.

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The Hitchhiker’s Guide To Standing In Line

, , , , , | Friendly | January 24, 2020

(The year is 1987. “Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency” has just been published. Douglas Adams is on a book tour and is making a stop at a bookstore in Venice, California. My friends, big Adams fans, decide to go and I go along. I should point out that I have never read anything by Douglas Adams. I have actually made a bit of a light-hearted vow not to, not because I don’t like him but because ALL of my friends are into him and quote him extensively, and my college freshman orientation was themed around “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Thus, I have essentially absorbed the books by osmosis, know the plot backward and forward, and can quote it just as easily as they can. I have just never read the books. We get to the bookstore, they get their copies of Dirk Gently, and we stand in line for the autograph. As expected, the line is quite long. We finally get to the front, he signs my friends’ books, and he holds out his hand to me to take my book — Diane Duane’s “The Door Into Shadow” — to sign.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a book for you to sign.” *shows the book is not his*

Douglas Adams: *staring at me quizzically*

Me: “I haven’t actually read anything of yours, but my friends love your work.”

Douglas Adams: “And you stood in line for two hours anyway?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Douglas Adams: “What are you, English?”

(I suddenly realized that telling an author to his face that I’ve never read their work is not exactly the nicest thing, but he didn’t seem to be bothered at all. We laughed at me queueing up for hours and we moved along. I fully expected to show up as a character in one of his future books as the guy who just stands in line. Since then, a friend has gotten me a lovely leatherbound copy of the entire Hitchhiker’s series and it sat on my shelf for a year before I finally broke down and read it.)

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Bullying Is Elementary, Sadly

, , , | Friendly | January 23, 2020

(I am working in customer service for a store that customers can order merchandise from. Everything is going well, and then I notice two women walk in. They are greeted by someone else and then I take another look. The younger one I recognize as being a bully in my elementary school! She bullied me a lot when I was going through a tough time. I couldn’t do much because she was two times my size in height and weight. We also played in a soccer league together, but we didn’t really interact much for some reason. I think it was because I avoided her. Anyway, I try to go hide in the back, but my boss gives me a look, so I end up taking their order.)

Old Bully: “Say… I know you from somewhere. You look familiar.”

Me: *playing dumb* “Oh, really? I don’t recall.”

Old Bully: “Did you live in [City]?”

Me: “Yes… when I was a kid.”

Old Bully: “I knew it!” *turns to the other woman* “Ma, this is a girl I used to play soccer with.”

Bully’s Mom: *beaming* “Oh, how nice!”

Me: “Uh, I don’t remember. Anyway, back to your order…”

(Everything went smoothly with their order after that, and they left, giving me weird looks. I would’ve loved to say how horribly she bullied me but I felt like it was overkill with her lovely mom there. It’s funny how she remembers the soccer but not the classroom!)

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No Comprende, Mate

, , , , , | Friendly | January 22, 2020

(I’m having a conversation with a coworker while another coworker is sitting nearby.)

Coworker #1: “Yeah, I actually grew up in England.”

Coworker #2: “You’re from England?! So, like, you speak French?”

([Coworker #1] and I just look at her with confused looks.)

Coworker: “Or Italian — I don’t know what they speak in England!”

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O Holy Donut

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 22, 2020

I’m the dumb one in this story. My baby had some breathing trouble and was hospitalized for a month and a half prior to surgery. One of the times I was staying overnight, a respiratory therapist I hadn’t met before came in to check the settings on the oxygen. I saw she had a cursive font tattoo on her arm. Confused, I asked,

“Does your tattoo say, ‘Thy will be donut’?” 

The therapist showed me her arm and said, “No, it says, ‘Thy will be done’.” What I had taken as “donut” was the word “done” with a cross after it.

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