Panting For Breath

, , , , , | Friendly | July 27, 2017

(My 14-month-old daughter has a thing about pants and shorts: she doesn’t like them and will take them off every time I put them on her. I am in the grocery store picking up some last minute groceries after picking up her up from her grandmother’s. Once again, she refuses to wear the shorts I had on her originally. Knowing that the errand will be relatively quick, I don’t fight it and take her in the grocery store with just her shirt and her diaper on. The heat index at this time is close to 110 F (43.33 C), so most people are getting sweaty just walking from their cars into the store, us being no exception. I’m patiently waiting in line when an elderly woman joins behind me, followed by her teenage grandson playing on his phone. I’m getting ready to pay when I hear this gem.)

Woman: “You should seriously put some pants on that child. It’s rather indecent of you to allow her to go out in public like that.”

Me: “Are you seriously offended by the fact that my daughter’s diaper is exposed?”

(She’s about to reply when her grandson interjects, not breaking his gaze from the phone.)

Grandson: “Nana, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s stupid hot outside. If I didn’t have to wear pants in this weather, I certainly wouldn’t. Let the baby live it up while she still can.”

(The cashier and I chuckled while the woman just turned red and kept quiet the rest of the transaction.)

Neighboring On A Bargain

, , , , | Friendly | July 26, 2017

My mom gets remarried. She lives and works in [City #1] and he lives and works in [City #2], about 40 minutes away. She moves in with him but he’s able to transfer to a position in [City #1] and they start to look for a place to buy together.

While they look for a place to buy, they rent a place for a year in a not-very-affluent part of town. As I’m visiting them, Mom’s husband tell me the story about how he loaned their neighbor $40.

Now, every time he comes out of the house, said neighbor quickly scrambles back inside. He won’t talk to or make eye contact with Mom’s husband. He calls it the best $40 he ever spent.

You’ll Pay For That Comparison

, , | Friendly | July 25, 2017

Me: “Hey, can I hitch a ride with you?”

Friends: *teasingly* “I’m not a taxi!”

Me: “I know. I’m not paying you, am I?”

You’re Picassoooooo Beautiful

, , , | Friendly | July 24, 2017

(I have started a new module at university for my art degree. I am stood outside waiting for the lecture when a young woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Can I just say, you are absolutely beautiful.”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Woman: “So symmetrical! You look just like a Picasso painting!” *walks away*

(I don’t know if she was paying me a compliment and was just ignorant, or low key insulting me.)

Like A Moth To A Chemical Flame

, , , , , | Friendly | July 23, 2017

(A couple, Friend #1 and Friend #2, are hosting a barbeque in their back garden. One of them spots a moth flying towards the garden, before it makes a turn and flies away instead.)

Friend #1: “Yes! It’s flying away!”

Me: “What is?”

Friend #1: “The moth!”

Me: “Why is that important?”

Friend #2: “When we moved in, the house had a moth infestation. [Friend #1] found a company that exterminates them and then treats your house to keep them away.”

Me: “Well, it seems to be working!”

Friend #2: “Yes, but he managed to find the one company in London that had a no-moth guarantee, or they come back for free. Every time [Friend #1] saw even a single moth in the house, he would call them and they’d come back and spray it all over again. Our house was just full of chemicals.”

Me: “How many times?”

Friend #1: “Five times!”

Me: “Wow! And so now you don’t have moths?”

Friend #2: “No, but now we have cancer.”

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