My teenager has two friends with interesting chest formations: one has pectus carinatum (“pigeon chest”; his chest sticks out a little) and the other has pectus excavatum (“sunken chest”; his chest goes in a bit). Neither is noticeable with their shirts on, but both boys have told their friends as interesting trivia about themselves.

What did my child do with this information? Ask if they thought they would fit like puzzle pieces.

And the friends decided to find out. Turns out, yes, they do fit very well!

My husband was horrified that our child had committed some sort of faux pas or worse by suggesting the idea, despite assurances that the boys were totally on board with the idea and found it hilarious.

Or, in teenage speak: “Geez, Dad, one of my friends put part of his body into my other friend’s body. Stop making it weird.”

My husband and I have two children, both boys, now aged eleven and fourteen. My husband’s younger sister now has three children, a daughter (aged seven) and two sons (aged three and five).

The year my youngest son was turning four, he asked for a birthday party. He was not yet in school, so he did not know anyone but family, and there were no children other than his brother who were able to attend. 

Luckily, his favorite people in the world are Grandpa and Grandma (Dad’s parents). Grandma is like a big kid. She’s super fun and energetic. She acts much like a kid herself, and my boys adore her.

I knew they were very busy, so I asked them several months in advance if they could attend his birthday party. The party was to be ON his birthday (this is important). Being the wonderful grandparents they are, they agreed and requested time off from their jobs. We also invited all close-by family, including my sister-in-law. 

Months go by, and it’s now about a week and a half before my son’s big day. I’ve bought the decorations, planned the menu, and pumped him up. I like to sing a “Final Countdown” song as I prepare breakfast in the morning.

One afternoon, I receive a call from my sister-in-law, who is about to find out the sex of her baby. She’s pregnant with baby number one. She wants to plan a gender reveal party, but she’s called her friends and family and discovered that most work and can’t attend without several weeks’ notice for their jobs. 

The ONLY day everyone just so happens to have off is my son’s birthday.

Sister-In-Law: “Would you be willing to move your son’s birthday party to another day so I can have my party?”

At this point, it may bear mentioning that she already has three baby showers planned and has asked me to make the food (out of pocket) for one of the showers. Most people being asked to attend her gender reveal party were already attending multiple baby showers for her.

I am pretty friendly and passive, but this caught me very off guard.

Me: *Gently.* “My son is looking forward to this, and we’ve had it planned for months, which is WHY everyone had the day off from work.”

She feigned sympathy but still urged me to please move my son’s birthday party to a time that everyone could attend later and let her have this open date for her party.

Sister-In-Law: “It’s my first baby, while you’ve already had two. Besides, [Youngest Son] loves babies and would want to go to my party too! He could still come to my party and see everyone he loves and then get to do it all over again when everyone can request time off!”

I didn’t have time to gather a response as she steamrolled over me.

Me: “Okay? If they want to go, I won’t make them come to [Youngest Son]’s party, but I can’t go to your party. We have plans.”

Sister-In-Law: “Thanks!”

I was angry. She had pulled this kind of thing with other people before, but she had always really loved my boys and never tried this with me, or not to this extreme, anyway.

I didn’t know how to react other than to vent to my husband (her brother), who wasn’t surprised at all and said not to worry and that their dad would set her straight.

Funny enough, I was talking to my husband when I saw my father-in-law calling my phone. I answered, and he said:

Father-In-Law: “[Sister-In-Law] told me you had no problem with her hijacking your son’s birthday and that you had insisted she have the party and everyone go to that one instead of [Youngest Son]’s. If this is true, I’ll attend her party, but I would way rather go to [Youngest Son]’s party. I’ve already gotten presents, and we’re excited about celebrating a kid who’s already here ON his big day.”

I very happily told him:

Me: “I was NEVER going to cancel his birthday or make him sit through someone else’s party on his big day. I mean, he’s four, and I’ve been counting down for him every morning. What kind of monster would I be?! I told [Sister-In-Law] that people could go to that if they preferred, but that we wouldn’t be attending.”

Father-In-Law: “That sounds about right. I’ll be going to [Youngest Son]’s party since I’ve requested time off for that. If she wants another party on another day, she needs to give him notice.”

She cancelled (or never organized?) the party and then talked about me behind my back to anyone who would listen for years afterward.

My daughter has had very high prescription glasses since she was a toddler. She’s now eleven.

I let her pick out her own glasses frames this year with her much older cousin, and unfortunately, I made the mistake of not signing off on them before we bought them. They are clear plastic frames.

She can’t see a thing without her glasses. Now I hear at least once a day:

Daughter: “Mom, I can’t find my glasses!”

And usually, they’re right in front of her…

My son is nine, and his six-year-old sister is getting sassy and sarcastic with him.

Son: “If I were you, [Sister’s Name], I’d shut up!”

My Husband: “Hey! [Son’s Name]! Don’t tell your sister to shut up!”

Son: “I didn’t tell her to shut up. I said if I were her, I would shut up.”

My husband tried to admonish him, but my son had chosen his words too carefully. Future lawyer, that one.

We’re at a family cookout. One of my cousins is on a health kick, and everything she eats is vegan and free of gluten, sugar, lactose, and taste. She’s made a vegan meatloaf and presented it in the middle of the table among all the other food, where it is being, unsurprisingly, ignored.

My teenage son, who is a bit of a bleeding heart, feels sorry for my cousin, so cuts a slice off and brings it over to the table to eat with us.

He takes one bite, and after a single chew, gives me a wide-eyed look. I pass over a napkin, and he spits out the bite and says between noises of disgust.

Son: “That’s nuttier than squirrel s***!”

I’d normally chastise him for using language, but I was laughing hard. I later gave my dad a little slap on the wrist, as it was obvious where he’d learned such a phrase from…