He Needs Your Clothes, Your Unwavering Faith, And Your Motorcycle

, , , | Related | August 16, 2017

(I live in a city that is the home of a very well known evangelical leader. I am driving home from church with my family when we spot a custom license plate and try to decipher it.)

Husband: “High school comeback?”

Me: “Oh! I bet it’s ‘He’s coming back.’”

Daughter: “Who’s coming back?”

Husband: “Jesus.”

(Pause.)

Me: “Or The Terminator.”

Brush Off The Hearing Loss

, , , , | Related | August 12, 2017

(I’m playing with my two-year-old son when the following exchange happens.)

Son: “I want to play with the toilet brush!”

Me: “No! Yucky!”

Son: “The toilet brush! The toilet brush!”

Me: “I can’t let you. You can get sick.”

(Son runs to the main bedroom, which has an en-suite bathroom. I chase after him. My wife is in the bedroom.)

Wife: “Hey, what are you looking for?”

Son: “The toilet brush!”

Wife: “The story blocks? Sure, here they are!”

(Son happily walks out of the bedroom with his box of story blocks. I still don’t understand how I got what he said so wrong!)

You Can Get There Via Wardrobe

, , , , | Related | August 6, 2017

(My 20-year-old son is bragging to his younger sister and me about how he knows the geography of other countries, and isn’t a stupid American.)

Son: “And I know all the Canadian Provinces! There’s Newfoundland, Prince Caspian….”

Screaming Until You’re Blue In The Face

, , , , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My husband and I are first time parents, and we’ve had our baby son home for less than a month, so we are still getting used to parenting. My son is sleeping peacefully in my husband’s arms when suddenly he wakes up and just starts screaming!)

Me: “What’s wrong with the baby?!”

Husband: “I don’t know. He just started screaming for no reason!”

(I start to cross the room to check on the baby when…)

Husband: “Oh, that’s why… He’s blue.”

Me: “WHAT?! Is he okay?! Why is he blue?!”

(I start freaking out and I can’t figure out why my husband isn’t freaking out, more than that, he’s laughing at me!)

Husband: *he says through uncontrollable laughter* “The diaper… The diaper is blue. The line that indicates the diaper is wet.. It’s blue.”

Me: “Phrasing, honey…”

Happy Meal

, , , , , | Related | July 25, 2017

(I am roughly five years old at the time and I am a curious child.)

Me: “Mummy, why do we buy chicken in the yellow packet and not the normal one?”

Mum: “Well, the chickens in the yellow packets were fed good food and lived in the country so they were very happy. So we only buy happy chickens.”

Me: “If they were so happy, why did we kill them?”

Mum: “Well…”

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