Should Have Egg-spected That

, , , , | Related | October 19, 2017

(I’ve always believed in answering my sons’ questions honestly. On the road to a grocery one day, one of them asks how babies are made. I explain. The four-year-old looks very thoughtful while we shop. However, he stays quiet until we are surrounded by senior citizens in the checkout line. Then, loudly and clearly, he asks:)

Son: “But how does the sperm get to the egg?”

Nasty People Get Nice Things

, , , , , , | Related | October 18, 2017

(The drummer in my band and I work at the same clothing store. One year in mid-January he is running a cash register and overhears this exchange between a mom and her son, who look to be about 12 or 13 years old.)

Mom: “I told you we’re not getting it because we can’t afford it.”

Son: “We can afford it; you just don’t ever get me nice things.”

Mom: “Excuse me? You want to remind me what you got for Christmas?”

Son: “Nothing!”

Mom: “A GIBSON LES PAUL IS NOT NOTHING!”

(Later in the break room.)

Friend: “Hey, aren’t Gibson Les Pauls really nice guitars?”

Me: “Yes. They are very nice, very expensive guitars.”

Friend: “That’s what I thought.” *relays story to me*

Me: “WHY ARE SUCH NICE THINGS GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T APPRECIATE THEM?!”

That’s The Way The Kveldsmat Krumbles

, , , , , | Related | October 18, 2017

(My daughter is four years old and it is evening. All that remains is for her to brush her teeth and go to bed. She tries to stay up late by making up credible stuff to postpone the evening routine. I find it easier to call her bluff than arguing and trying to reason with her, because it ends in almost an hour of tears and sobbing. In Norway, we offer a small meal in the evening, and it often consists of a slice of bread with some kind of spreading or topping. We call it “kveldsmat” — evening food. On this day, we’ve had a late dinner and she declined kveldsmat 30 minutes earlier.)

Daughter: “I’m hungry. Can I have some kveldsmat?”

Me: “If you’re really hungry, we have to go downstairs and eat, but we can’t watch TV because it’s evening now.”

Daughter: “I’m so hungry that I need to have some grapes.”

(Our rule is that she can eat fruit upstairs, but other food must be eaten at the dinner table. She clearly wants to keep watching TV and postpone bed time by eating her grapes VERY slowly, then demanding more when she is still hungry.)

Me: *repeats myself* “Are you ready to go downstairs and eat, or shall we just brush your teeth right away?”

Daughter: “I’m ready. I want to go downstairs and eat.”

(We go downstairs and end up discussing the topping on her slice of bread.)

Me: “Are you sure you want to have butter and brown cheese?” *Norwegian thing, quite tasty*

Daughter: “Yes. And cut it into pieces.”

Me: *prepares the food and cuts it in four*

Daughter: *picks off the brown cheese* “I don’t want this. Take it off.”

Me: “Oh? But you said you wanted it.”

Daughter: “But I don’t like it now…”

Me: “Okay, but just take off the one on this piece and leave the rest. You can pick them off once you’ve eaten the first piece of bread.”

Daughter: *enters defiant-play mode and picks off the brown cheese of two pieces*

Me: *leaves the one piece of bread and moves the plate out of her reach* “Eat that one, then you can take off the rest. Just one at the time.”

Daughter: “Nooooooooo! I want to pick it!

Me: *not taking the bait* “You said you were hungry. You said you wanted brown cheese, and you were only allowed take off the brown cheese on one piece. Eat the one right there, and we can go brush your teeth.”

Daughter: “I’m not hungry!”

Me: “You said you were hungry, and you wanted to go downstairs. You don’t get anything else to eat until breakfast tomorrow. Eat this one and we’re done.”

Daughter: “Two bites?”

Me: “All of it.”

(She ate three bites of that quarter of a slice of bread before declaring herself full again, then went happily back upstairs to proceed the evening routine. She effectively postponed it seven minutes, rather than crying herself to sleep because she didn’t get to eat when she asked.)

In The Zombie Apocalypse They Will Let You Down And Desert You

, , , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I’m watching “The Walking Dead” with my mom when the main character takes a spill.)

Me: “So, if he tumbles over, does that make him a… Rick Roll?”

Mom: *turns and looks at me, deadpan* “I don’t know you.”

(A few minutes later, after a death fake-out where he ends up saving his lady friend:)

Me: “I guess he’s never gonna give her up? He certainly didn’t let her down!”

Mom: *sighs* “I wonder if it’s possible to un-birth one of your children…”

Don’t Be Left To Your Own Devices

, , , , , , , | Related | October 11, 2017

Teenage Son: “I’ve got the song ‘Pompeii’ stuck in my head.”

Me: “But if you close your eyes…”

(Long pause:)

Teenage Son: “Great, now I’ve got the video for the song stuck in my head!”

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