One winter a few years ago, one of our heat pumps broke, so we didn’t have heat in the living room, kitchen, and downstairs family room. I brought up a heater and plugged it in in the family room to take the chill out. We were discussing the issue and how long it would take to get a repairman out.

Daughter: “At least you have the heaters, so it’s not a big deal.”

Me: “Yeah, it heats the living room nice, but it’s going to kill our [Electric Company] bill if we don’t get the heat fixed quickly.”

Daughter: *Kind of bewildered* “It’s just plugged into a regular outlet, like the lights. Why would it cost more?”

My wife looked at me and I looked back at her.

Me: “[Daughter], you do know that it costs a lot more to run a heater, right? It pulls a lot more electricity than a light does. It’s like the stove or dryer; the stove is plugged into an outlet, but it costs a lot more than a light.”

God as my witness, she said:

Daughter: “We pay for the stove? It costs money to run the stove? I thought the electricity was just for the lights and plugs.”

My wife, my son, my other daughter, and I all started laughing.

We went on to explain to my reasonably well-educated twenty-three-year-old daughter that more than just the lights and plugs cost money to use in the house.

We have a little creek behind our house. It’s a nice peaceful spot to unwind most days. Today, my boys, being the avid outdoorsmen that they are, decided to go catch some crawdads and swing on some vines like typical little boys. After I got done mowing some grass, I had to fix my wife’s heat-press, and after MacGyvering the s*** out of it, I felt I deserved a break.

After about three minutes of peace, [Ten-Year-Old] came in all flabbergasted and being his usual diva self.

Ten-Year-Old: “There’s a snake at the creek! It almost bit me! Get a gun!”

Blah, blah, the usual. I kind of blew it off and continued with my lackadaisical afternoon. After a few minutes, my wife gently “encouraged” me to go check on them. Off I went.

I begrudgingly sauntered off to the creek. Upon my arrival, I was witness to quite a sight.

[Ten-Year-Old], my eldest born, the leader of the pack, the standard for my other boys, was ankle-deep in the water, frantically waving a cattleprod taser thing — I’m not entirely sure where he found it — taunting this phantom snake to bring it on.

While I was simultaneously in awe of his fearlessness and dumbfounded about how he had survived as long as he had, I can only assume the snake went full-on “Don’t tase me, bro,” and noped the h*** out of there. I seriously don’t blame the snake; [Ten-Year-Old] was about to take them both out.

I face-palmed but immediately explained the intricacies of electricity and water to my son. He nodded and then ran off to go poop in the woods or whatever [Ten-Year-Old]s do.

[Four-Year-Old], my smartest child, looks at me and says:

Four-Year-Old: “[Ten-Year-Old]’s not very smart.”

And then he proceeded to yeet a rock straight into [Two-Year-Old]’s forehead.

If the children are our future, mine are not going to be very productive. Sorry, everyone else.

My son just graduated college and is living and working at home. I’m working from home when my son comes into my office.

Son: “Hi, Dad! I have a question for you.”

Me: “Okay, what can I do for you?”

Son: “[Girlfriend] and I are going mini-golfing tonight. We have two options: there’s an online deal for two players for the price of one, which is $12. Or we can just go and pay the regular price, which is $7 each. What’s the better deal?”

Me: “Okay, let’s do some math here. What’s seven times two?”

Son: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Right. And what’s twelve times one?”

Son: “Twelve.”

Me: “Good. And what’s larger, twelve or fourteen?”

Son: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. So, what’s your goal here, to save some money or to give them more money?”

Son: “Save my money.”

Me: “Okay. So, since we know twelve is smaller than fourteen, what’s the best option to save money?”

Son: “The two-for-one deal.”

Me: “Yes.”

Son: “Well, thanks, Dad. I appreciate your help.”

Me: “Serious question, was this a troll attempt?”

Son: “No.”

He shows me a text thread where he and his girlfriend are struggling to figure out which is cheaper.

Me: “You’re never living this one down.”

Son: “Living what down?”

Me: “That after four years of college, you still have to ask your dad for help with elementary-school-level math.”

Son: “Oh.”

My children were watching a movie at my parents’ house one weekend. It was for children, so any drama was tame. However, some scene in the movie frightened my youngest, who was four at the time. He rushed out of the room and to his grandmother.

Grandma: “Is it too scary?”

Son: “It’s five scary!”

A customer is trying to buy the latest iPhone on a credit card, but it keeps declining. They look like they’re in their early to mid-twenties.

Customer: “This is so stupid! I know there is money on there!”

Me: “Maybe you can call your bank and see if there’s an issue?”

The customer is aggravated but nods. He stands to the side but isn’t letting other customers through, so they have to awkwardly squeeze past while he shouts on the phone.

Customer: “Yeah, my card is being weird.”

Pause.

Customer: “But there’s money on it!”

Pause.

Customer: “The new iPhone! I told you I needed it!”

Pause.

Customer: “What?! Unlock it now! I need it! I need it!”

Pause.

Customer: “But Moooooooom!”

Pause.

Customer: “Dad will get me the phone if you won’t.”

Pause.

Customer: “That’s what I thought.”

He hangs up and starts talking over the customer I am currently serving like they’re not even there.

Customer: “It should work now. Swipe it.”

I respond diplomatically, as I finish with the current customer.

Me: “So, sorted the problem with the bank?”

Customer: “Yeah. If one bank says no, the other will always say yes.”

The man-child got his new iPhone.