Taking The Twins To Meet The Queen

, , , , , | Related | May 2, 2021

I am shopping in town with my nine-year-old son in tow. Perhaps it’s not such a good idea, but I go into a shop to get myself some new underwear.

We’re in the area where they sell oversized underwear and my cheeky monkey of a son points to a rack of some of the larger items and says in his high-pitched and penetrating voice:

Son: “Look, Mum! Hats for twins!”

And he scampered off, sniggering.

Trouble is, I couldn’t stop laughing. I was still tittering when I got to the checkout, and unfortunately, I set off the member of staff. They say laughter is infectious. I infected the entire store, basically.

When we got outside I gave him one of my famous punishments that aren’t really punishments.

Me: “Just for that, we aren’t going to go up to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen this afternoon.”

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No Argument From Us

, , , , | Related | May 1, 2021

I work from home in online customer service, where we usually talk with customers via phone. Since our opening hours are from morning until late evening, I most often still work after my husband and our two small children have come home.

The children are very good at not coming into my “office” (our bedroom) while I’m working, but they are still small, so they tend to forget every now and then, and there’s no lock on the door. Usually, it’s no harm.

I am in the middle of a call when my two-and-a-half-year-old comes in. I try to tell them without words to go out, but they have a “very important message” to give me and will not leave no matter what. I have no other option but to ask if the customer is okay with being on hold for a second.

The important message?

Toddler: “Mommy, I am your friend.”

They gave me a bright smile and walked away happily.

I had to inform the customer about this. They could only agree that the message was indeed very important.

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Always Finding The Upside

, , , , , | Related | April 30, 2021

I’m both an author and a big nerd; therefore, it’s probably not a surprise that I’m always trying to get my kids to read. Both are reasonably accepting of my enthusiasm for the written word but would much rather be on the computer. The other day, I brought home a small stack of books I thought my eight-year-old might like.

Daughter: “Oh, thanks, Mom! I love books. They’re good for when I have no electronics privileges because they’re just like phones except you can only do one thing on them: read.”

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Mummy’s Always There For You… If You Send A Text

, , , , , , , | Related | April 24, 2021

I’m a doctor at a private practice, looking over a young woman who made an appointment this morning because she doesn’t feel well. Unfortunately, due to other circumstances, we’re actually running quite late today, so she’s been waiting for more than an hour. In that time, her symptoms have progressed enough that I’m confident she needs an intravenous antibacterial, rather than waiting for the few days it’ll take for oral medicine to work.

That means that she needs to go to the hospital’s emergency wait room. That’s an instruction that’s terrifying under any circumstance, and in this case, while she’s still lucid; her symptoms have progressed enough that I’ve been able to observe her having more and more trouble focusing through our appointment.

Me: “You can drive yourself to the hospital, but I really think it would be better to have someone with you. Do you want me to explain all that to your parents or a partner, as well? You can call them if you like.”

Patient: “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”

She gets out her mobile phone and calls. After a minute, I hear the tell-tale voice of an automatic answering machine.

Patient: “Mum, Mum, it’s [Patient]. Pick up the phone. Pick up the phone. I know you’re listening. I know you’re home today, and I know you always just let the phone go to voicemail, but this is important.” *Pause* “All right, fine. Mum, the doctor is sending me to the hospital emergency room. I bet now you feel guilty.”

She did successfully call her father after that.

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What Can I Say (When My Foot Is In My Mouth)

, , , , | Related | April 23, 2021

I have a three-year-old daughter who is obsessed with “Moana,” specifically the song “You’re Welcome.” At any given moment she is likely to be belting it out. Unfortunately, she has also picked up a line from the film where Maui says, “What can I say except, ‘You’re dead soon.’”

After an uneventful shop, punctuated by out-of-tune verses from “Moana,” we are being checked out by an older woman who is trying to get my daughter to talk to her.

She hands a chocolate to my daughter.

Cashier: “And what do we say now?”

Without missing a beat, my daughter takes the treat and says:

Daughter: “You’re dead soon!” 

The cashier looked terrified and mortified, and I prayed for the ground to swallow me! Thankfully, the cashier saw the funny side, and now when we see her, she waves and says, “I’m still here!”

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