Doesn’t Fit The Fitted Narrative

, , , , , , | Related | July 14, 2018

(I am folding laundry just as my mother arrives, and I am about to fold a king-sized fitted sheet. One thing I brought away from working retail in bed-linen is the knowledge of how to fold fitted sheets. Mum quietly watches as I take moments to fold it neatly before putting it down on the table.)

Mum: “Wow, I’ve never seen that done before. I was waiting for you scream, swear, and then screw the sheet up like I do.”

Not Raising Them To Be Trash

, , , , | Related | July 11, 2018

(I’m eating in a fast food place. Next to me is a family, consisting of a mom and two teenage children — a boy and girl — who have just finished eating. As they’re getting up, I hear the following exchange.)

Son: “Why are we supposed to clean that up? It’s their job.”

Mother: *immediately turns around* “Are you kidding me? You don’t leave your plate on the table at home, do you?!”

(The son dutifully grabbed his trash and threw it away.)

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”


Not The Number One Solution

, , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(With another family visiting us, we bring the children to a local water supply museum. Among other things, the guide tells us that it is the only water supply station in Europe that gets water from underground to collectors by vacuum pumps, which work similarly to sucking water through straw. He suggests we try that out ourselves later. So, back at home, we give each child one full and one empty cup and tell them to get all water from first cup to second through a straw. Some manage it sooner, some later, but one boy manages to just drink all his water.)

Boy: “Would it count if I now peed into the second cup?”

His Mom: “I don’t think the townspeople would care much for your solution.”

Re-Sealed The Deal

, , , , , , | Related | July 4, 2018

(It is the 90s, and there is a popular brand of mass-produced, solid-block cottage cheese that is packaged in large transparent plastic bags. My mom has been buying it for us to eat nearly every day for months. Dad always opens it by forcefully ripping up the plastic bag. It has practically become a meal ritual to sit down at lunch or dinner with Dad violently ripping open another bag at the table. I’m not quite nine, and we’ve been in this country maybe three months now. Most of the food packaging here is really different than in our previous country. I’ve noticed that some of the other food items we buy have resealable zippers in their plastic bags, which we’ve never seen before, but my parents do become familiar with these at about the same time I do. One day, sitting at the kitchen table I idly examine an unopened package of the cottage cheese we’re about to eat, and I happen to look closely at the other end of the plastic bag than the one dad always rips open.)

Me: “Mom, look! Doesn’t this look just like the funny zipper on the packages of [Other Food]?”

(Mom looks over idly, mumbles something, and dismisses me. Then, they both sit down at the table.)

Me: “Dad, look at that end of the bag! Doesn’t it look just like the funny zipper from the packages of [Other Food]?”

Dad: *waves me off* “Oh, really, don’t be silly, [My Name]. Of course it doesn’t!”

(He grabs the bag and prepares to rip it open. I reach over, tug it out of his hands, turn it the other way up, and carefully tear off the top tear-off part of the bag, revealing — ta-da! — a resealable zipper; which I then also open with no force required. I present it to them.)

Mom & Dad: “…” *embarrassed silence*

(The looks on both parents’ faces were pretty priceless.)

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