I worked as a substitute teacher for many years. It became a running joke with my spouse, who was a principal, that I always had to work on my birthday because if he didn’t need me to sub at his school, one of the other schools would call. I even agreed to substitute in the dorms at a residential school when my birthday was on the weekend.

It wasn’t a big deal, as we usually celebrated by going out for dinner on a night near my birthday and my spouse and children would either buy or make a cake. And the school staff benefited because it was a tradition to bring donuts to school on your birthday. 

For my fortieth birthday, I agreed to volunteer at our children’s school’s field day, so we joked that I wasn’t working on my birthday, even though I was going to be at school all day.

At one point during the day, my oldest child saw me heading toward the building.

Oldest Child: “Where are you going?”

I thought that was strange.

Me: “I need to use the bathroom.”

My child took off running ahead of me into the building. Again, that struck me as strange.

Near the end of the day, when all the students and staff and volunteers were gathered in one place, my oldest child came out carrying forty black balloons! My spouse had let the principal know it was my fortieth birthday so the teachers had gotten together and ordered the balloons!

[Oldest Child] was tasked with hiding the balloons until it was time to bring them out, and the balloons were hidden in the gym where I was headed to go to the bathroom. [Oldest Child] had to run ahead to hide the balloons in another room before I got to the gym!

My mother, who lived in New Jersey, spent some time in California. While there, she had to visit a doctor. The doctor, as is customary, sent a write-up of his examination back to my mother’s regular physician in New Jersey.

My mother showed me her copy of the letter and was very indignant. The line in question read, “Mrs. [Mother], a seventy-five-year-old woman who looks her age…”

My mother found that very objectionable. True, my mother did look much younger than her age. But I thought I understood why the doctor wrote the letter that way.

Me: “Mom, everybody in California has work done, so the doctor thinks that’s what typical seventy-five-year-olds look like. You didn’t have any work done, so you must have looked like Methuselah to him!”

Needless to say, my explanation did not appease her!

My husband and I are at my parents’ house for Thanksgiving. They invited over a few others since it would have just been us four for dinner, and they have friends who would have spent the holiday alone otherwise. A family friend and his young teenage daughter were invited since the rest of their family is in New York and they weren’t able to go. It was a last-minute invite, but my mom did ask if there was anything specific they’d like to have for dinner, and she said that they were welcome to bring a side dish if they wanted, but that we’d have plenty of food. He told them they’d be fine with whatever is served.

We’re sitting down for dinner and start passing around food.

My Dad: “[Teen], would you like any turkey?”

Teen: “No, thanks. I’m a vegetarian.”

My Mom: “Oh, I’m sorry. We didn’t realize.”

Her Dad: “It’s fine. I’m sure she’ll find something.”

Teen: “What do you have that’s vegetarian?”

Me: “We have a bunch of side options. [Other Friend] brought a salad, I made green bean casserole, and there’s a rice dish and mashed potatoes. There should be some rolls and a fruit salad, as well. I think all of those should be vegetarian, but I can double-check the ingredients for anything if you’re not sure.”

Teen: “No, I don’t eat fruits or vegetables.”

None of us are quite sure how to respond to that. She then realizes we also have baked beans.

Teen: “Oh! I’ll just have some of those.”

She serves herself a huge scoop and goes to eat it.

Me: “Hey, just in case you’re not aware, the beans do have bacon in them.”

Teen: *Shrugs and starts eating* “That’s okay.”

We were confused but happy that she found something she was content with, but we were definitely even more confused about how she planned to be a vegetarian without eating any fruits or veggies… and by the fact that she had just eaten bacon.

My youngest son comes up with some very entertaining one-liners. While watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” for the umpteenth time, we get to the part where it is revealed that one of the Weasley twins has died, but my husband and I can never remember which twin it is. My son offers up this gem.

Son: “It’s Fred, the one who still has his ear…” *slight pause* “…not that he’s going to need it anymore.”

I ended up laughing hysterically at a normally sad moment in this movie.

My friend was trying to conceive using donor sperm shipped to them. Their adoptive son saw the container arrive and asked his mother what it was.

Friend: “You know how we plant seeds to make plants grow? These are sort of like baby seeds. They go into me and, hopefully, they will make a baby start growing!”

Her son seemed content with this; he already knew they were trying for another child. A few weeks later, my friend was on Facebook when she saw a post from her son’s pregnant teacher.

Teacher: “The things you hear as a teacher. Today, I had a kid ask me if I was pregnant because my husband planted baby seeds in me.”

Realizing that had to have been her son, my friend wrote back apologizing and explaining the context of her son’s question. The teacher just wished her good luck with growing her baby seeds.