My partner is big and scruffy, and our cat ADORES HIM. The cat adores him so much that any time my partner gets into bed to even have so much as a quick snooze, this cat is ON TOP OF HIM, his paws either tucked under him in a loaf, or stretched straight out, eyes shut, purring like a well-oiled (very comfortable) machine.

One evening, my partner is on his phone in bed. He glances at the cat on top of him, who has one paw hanging straight off my partner’s belly at a very particular angle.

My partner is appalled.

Partner: “Sir! SIR! Are you sieging Heil?! WE DO NOT SIEG HEIL IN THIS HOUSE, SIR! That is illegal, sir! SIR!”

Of course, I have to get in on this, too.

Me: “Sir! You are causing a scene!”

With that outburst, the cat tilts his ears the tiniest bit. He then puts his other paw out to do a relatively good Superman impression. My partner nods and pats him on the head, crisis averted.

I tend to get emails from people in the company I don’t interact with much, maybe 1-2 emails a year. This is because I have access to the database and am the only person with admin access. (My manager and their boss also have access, and they assist when I’m on PTO, but other than them, I do 99% of all requests.)

When I respond, I look at which department the person is in and what their title is, as this can affect the amount of information I can provide or update in the DB.

I am doing my normal thing and look to see who I’m responding to. I see their name is John Smith (not real name), they are in the department that is allowed to request changes, but I need to see their title to see if I need to have a manager sign off on it. And their title is “Turtle”.

Turtle?

Obviously, it appears that someone made a mistake somewhere, and knowing I have lots of job security, I respond with:

Me: “Hello,

Unfortunately, we are unable to process requests without having the Rabbits’ approval. Please resubmit.”

I insert a screenshot of their Outlook contact, with an arrow pointing to their title of Turtle.

Me: “Thanks,

[My Name].”

I received an email back with a screenshot of Daffy and Bugs Bunny with a sign that says, “Rabbit Season.” With their manager copied.

Before I have a chance to respond, the manager sends a screenshot of Elmer Fudd standing next to a sign that reads “Rabbit season,” but they’ve crossed out the word “Rabbit” and written “Turtle.” Along with a note that says “approved.”

I processed their request and didn’t think much more of it, but today, almost a year later, I got a new request from them. Their title has been corrected, but under their signature, it says, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Visiting my hometown, I regularly frequented a local restaurant where I was well known to management and staff. Going in for dinner for a second consecutive night, I decided to have the same main course as the previous night.

Me: “I’ll have the half roast duck. I enjoyed it last night, so can I have the other half of the same duck?”

When he brought the food.

Server: “The chef says it’s not the same duck, but it is his brother.”

A great comeback, I thought.

I live in the only real “city” in a pretty rural area, so our big shopping mall tends to attract families who come in from nearby villages for their big stock-up trips a couple of times a year. This was back when self-checkouts were still a novelty, but our mall’s grocery store already had a few. 

I’m using one when the machine next to me frees up. A trio swoops in: a grandmother, a mother, and a little girl who’s maybe four, all clearly on an Exciting Family Shopping Adventure. Their cart is packed.

They poke at the touchscreen for a bit until they get the hang of it, and then Grandma starts scanning. After every single item, Grandma leans in and makes the most enthusiastic little “Beep!” sound.

After a minute, Mum suddenly asks:

Mum: “Mum, can I do the beep, too? I’ve always wanted to do that since I was a kid!”

Grandma bursts out laughing and says:

Grandma: “Of course! It’s fun, isn’t it? I always wanted to do it, too!”

So now both of them are doing dramatic, delighted BEEPs with every item, and the little girl gets her turn as well, with some help from her mother. They’re absolutely thrilled, and honestly? It was adorable.

The attendant monitoring the self-checkout eventually walks over, smiling so hard I thought her face might crack, and gives them a small discount.

Attendant: “Because you ladies just made my whole shift.”

I overheard this conversation between two grocery store workers; one was holding a ladder and was much taller than the other.

Worker #1: “Did I see you skipping rungs when you were climbing that thing?”

Worker #2: “If you’re expecting me to apologize for being built like spaghetti instead of penne, you’ve got another thing coming.”