Trying To (Car) Wash Their Hands Of Grandma

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2018

A brand new car wash opened and promised free car washes for anyone in line on the first day. My grandmother was the very first person in line. When she went in, she managed to put her car in gear. It jumped the track and she stomped on the gas instead of the brake. As a result the car rammed into the equipment and seriously damaged it.

The car wash had to close down for almost a month for repairs. When it finally opened again, my grandmother went back and asked them when she would get her free car wash. The response she received was a little less than positive.

Teaching Sport As Performance Art

, , , , | Learning | September 6, 2018

This happened to my uncle.

A while ago, when fresh out of school, he was hired to give classes at a local secondary school. He arrived to the school and announced himself as the new teacher. The person at the school gates welcomed him and said he was going to direct him to where he was giving classes.

Now, it should be noted that people in this side of the family tend to be muscular, but also this uncle used to do weight lifting and as such, at this point of this life he was built like a truck — his friends nicknamed him Bamm-Bamm! — so the person assumed he was going to be the new PE teacher and took him to the school gym.

I can only imagine his shock when the muscular guy in front of him said, “Wait. You got it wrong; I’m here to give art classes!”

A Deliciously Sweet Slice Of Karma

, , , , , , | Working | September 4, 2018

In Austria, some professions can only be done by someone who finished a “Lehre,” an apprenticeship that lasts two or three years and includes school. Most people start their Lehre when they’re about 15 or 16, but it’s not unheard of to have people in their 20s do an apprenticeship; surprise, surprise, not everybody knows what they want to be when they’re 15.

When I was 22, I decided I wanted to become a “Konditor” — a pastry chef — a job you can only do with an apprenticeship.

I started late into the application game, so most bakeries had already hired their apprentices for the year. I looked towards supermarket bakeries then — not ideal, but a start.

Things already started out bad, when I had my phone interview and the store manager outright laughed at me for being “old.” But I was desperate to not waste another year, so I took the job.

At first the other workers seemed friendly enough, but on the second day — on which the store manager left on a month-long vacation — everything went to s***.

Let me just list a few of the things that happened:

– My coworkers smoked in the kitchen, including my “teacher” and the bakery manager

– My “teacher” constantly complained that she shouldn’t have to teach me and would switch to talking in Turkish when she’d decided I had asked too many questions.

– I was the only Austrian person there, so my coworkers constantly had conversations in languages I didn’t understand. Judging from the looks they gave me and the way they laughed, I’m guessing some of those conversations were about me.

– They were also the biggest bunch of racists, constantly making fun of Asian shoppers and going as far to say that all Asians should be killed.

– When fruit on cakes started growing mold, my “teacher” would just pick them off, put on fresh fruit, print out a new expiration date, and put it back on the shelves. And if cakes expired, she would make Punschkrapfen out of them — basically you just crumble the cakes, add alcohol, and then glaze.

– I was only allowed to go home after my “teacher,” and after I had cleaned up the entire bakery section by myself. The only problem was that I sometimes only knew that I was allowed to start cleaning, when I saw my “teacher” shopping in the store, out of her uniform. Since she liked randomly disappearing during the day, I never knew if she was taking another break or if she had gone home.

– The dishwasher was broken, even after someone came to fix it. I told the bakery manager how everything in the dishwasher was still dirty, and she told me in the most condescending tone, “Of course everything is still dirty. You need hands to scrub those pans clean; do you think a dishwasher has hands?”

– My “teacher” always complained how I was too lazy for cleaning and that the store had never been this filthy before… which is pretty interesting, because the first time I cleaned, I found a box of opened donuts that had expired a month before I had even started the job, below one of the tables. And a half-empty nail polish bottle, among other things.

– The bakery department was constantly in the red, so my “teacher” decided the best way to fix this was to just not write down all the ingredients she took from other departments, and if it got out, to just blame it on me.

When the store manager came back, he talked to my “teacher” and the bakery manager about my performance, and when he came to talk to me, I was immediately let go. He said I clearly wasn’t cut out for the job, being all antisocial and never joining any conversations — which is quite hard, if you don’t know the language, but okay — always complaining about cleaning — I didn’t — and not wanting to bake. In my month there, I was allowed to actually bake maybe two or three times in total; I would have loved to get to bake.

I was, of course, rather upset about the whole thing, but things were looking up, because another branch of the same store said they’d consider taking me. So, with my hopes up, I went to the other store for an interview… only to be told that while they’d love to take me, they couldn’t, because the person who was in charge of apprenticeship applications for all the stores had refused. In the same conversation, I also found out said person was the boyfriend of my former bakery manager.

But the story has a happy ending… kind of.

I sadly gave up on being a pastry chef, but one day when I was complaining to friends about the whole thing, another friend of theirs was present, who happened to be a health and safety inspector. Now, I do not know if it was his doing, but a short time later, I heard that everybody in the bakery section of that branch had been fired. Serves them right.

Getting A Leg-Up Early In Life

, , , , , , , | Related | September 3, 2018

My mother’s uncle lost the ability to walk as a child due to Polio. When I was very young, all my cousins and I loved spending time with Uncle Bob and simply accepted that his legs were different than ours.

One day while out shopping with my mother, I spotted another shopper who had a wheelchair and very excitedly started tugging on my mum’s hand and pointing. She braced herself for my childhood wisdom.

I jumped up and down and practically shouted in excitement, “MUMMY! He’s got legs like Uncle Bob’s!”

My mum still tells this story many years later; she said the man’s grin could have lit up the world.

Wibbly Wobbly, Rhymey Wimey

, , , , , | Learning | September 3, 2018

I am discussing poetry with my freshman Honors English class. We’re talking about how great poetry usually comes from deep, strong feelings. A student asks about the “happy poetry” from Doctor Who.

I am baffled.

I try to ask him if he remembers any of it, so he can give me a clue to what he means. He can’t. I ask him which Doctor he refers to.

He just says, “Who!”

A bit frustrated, I once again ask him which one of the Doctors he is referring to, specifying there has been more than one. I’m just trying to zero in on at least the season, so I can maybe Google what he means.

He stares at me for a few seconds. Then he hits his head and almost screams.

“Seuss! I meant Doctor Seuss!”

I have to bite my tongue to not laugh uncontrollably. The rest of the class has no such composure.

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