Bagfuls Of Drama

, , , | Right | September 18, 2018

(I’m waiting in line at a bookstore that has recently started charging 20 cents for plastic bags. The customer in front me is a lady in her 60s.)

Customer: *rants about the store charging for plastic bags* “I think the store should at least offer paper bags as an alternative, free of charge.”

Cashier: “It’s all about protecting the environment, and the impact of paper bags on the environment is comparable to the one plastic bags have.”

Customer: “What’s this world coming to? It all boils down to, ‘If you want to save the planet, kill yourself.’”

Cashier: “Well, do you want a bag or not?”

Customer: “Sure.”

Very Bad Beer-havior

, , , | Right | September 16, 2018

(Over the summer I frequently work in my aunt’s restaurant and tavern in a small village, which has an idyllic beer garden facing the street. On this particular day, we’re rather full because there’s a 90th birthday celebration happening in said beer garden. A young man in his late teens or early twenties stops in front of the entrance and starts helping his grandmother out of the car. Two regulars look at this young man suspiciously. I keep my eye on them, since both have a history of feeling somewhat entitled as regulars; also, they appear to be a bit intoxicated. Note that those regulars are in their 40s or 50s.)

Regular #1: *mockingly* “Boy, what a shame that entrance is too small to drive through it with a car, right?”

Regular #2: “Hey, you! If you drive a bit closer, maybe your granny could slide out of the car right onto her seat.”

Regular #1: *laughs* “Yeah. Or I could cut out a part of fence so poor old granny does not have to walk those awful few meters.”

(The young man ignores them while he escorts his grandmother to the birthday party. Just when I think it’s over and the young man is going back to his car, he quickly grabs the regulars’ beer mugs and walks out of the beer garden. The regulars jump up in outrage and follow him, while he crosses the street at a fast pace, then back to the beer garden and around the property and back to their table, returning their mugs. A few minutes later the regulars arrive.)

Regular #1: *out of breath* “ARE YOU NUTS?!”

Regular #2: *also out of breath* “I SHOULD TEACH YOU SOME MANNERS, YOU—”

Regular #1: *having to sit down* “NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU BLACK AND BLUE!”

Young Man: *going to his car* “You seem a bit winded, gentlemen! Glad you’re not 89 years old. Have a nice day.”

(Those regulars demanded we should throw out the man’s grandmother. Luckily, my aunt had seen the incident and instead threw out the regulars for good for threatening someone in her establishment.)


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Always Room For Politeness

, , , | Legal | September 15, 2018

(I’m British but I have been living in Germany for the last three years. My German language skills are pretty basic, and occasionally this causes me problems. I drive a German car. I’m at home when there is a hammering on the door. It’s a pair of policemen who inform me that I don’t have valid insurance on my car. I’m genuinely surprised, having believed that my insurance was up to date. One of the policemen speaks very good English, and I explain that if there was a mistake it was probably due to a language misunderstanding. He’s fine with that and tells me that I just need to purchase new insurance and then go and re-register the car at the relevant office. During this whole exchange, he is polite but very firm. At the end of the conversation, as they turn to leave:)

Me: “Okay, goodbye. Thanks!”

(He turns back, looking surprised.)

Policeman: “What are you thanking me for?”

Me: “Well… I’m British. I’m polite!”

Don’t Bring Jesus Into The Bedroom

, , , , | Working | September 11, 2018

(My husband and I recently ordered some toys for the bedroom online because we figured we might give it a try. Fast forward to the day of arrival. We get woken up by loud bangs on the door, which I find odd since we have a loud and functioning doorbell, but since I’m fairly confident it must be for a good reason, I go and sleepily open the door. I am greeted by the angry face of a delivery driver in his mid-40s.)

Driver: “You are a disgrace to Jesus.”

Me: *trying to not fall asleep where I stand* “Wha…?”

Driver: “I am not giving you this.”

(This is where I notice the large package in his hands. It’s ripped open and barely taped together on one side. I also start to understand what’s going on.)

Me: “I don’t need your opinion on my purchases, thank you very much.”

Driver: “I am not giving you this. I can’t have you insult Jesus!”

Me: “Give. Me. My. Package.”

Driver: “NO!” *stomps off*

Me: *baffled*

Customers Make You Go He-He

, , , | Right | September 7, 2018

(This happens in a supermarket. I’m standing at a register, ready to pay, when a customer comes in holding several inflated balloons, asking to return them. The cashier is a young girl and obviously new, so she doesn’t know what to do and calls for a manager.)

Manager: “How can I help?”

Customer: “I’d like to return these.”

Manager: “Why?”

Customer: “They don’t float!”

Manager: “What?”

Customer: “I inflated them all myself; they don’t float!”

Manager: “How did you inflate them?”

Customer: “With a bicycle pump.”

Manager: “So, you inflated them with air. That’s why they don’t float. If you want them to float, you need to fill them with helium.”

Customer: “That doesn’t make sense! The air in the balloon is not heavier than the air in the… air.”

Manager: “But the air in the balloon plus the weight of the rubber is.”

Customer: “Wait…”

(You can almost hear the gears in the customer’s head start to grind.)

Customer: “Actually… it does make sense… D*** it, I’m stupid… but where can I get helium now?”

Manager: “I suggest you go to [Hardware Store]; they should have some. Keep in mind, though, helium bottles are large and heavy, so you’ll need a large car and some helping hands.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

(The customer hurries out of the store. The manager stares after her. A worker steps up to the manager.)

Worker: “Did she actually just admit that you were right and she was wrong?”

Manager: “Remember this day well. You’ll probably win the lottery twice before this happens again.”

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