Mom I Gotta Go, The Hookers Are Here

, , , | Friendly | July 18, 2017

(I’m at a friend’s birthday, and we’re playing board games. In the middle of a game, the host gets a phone call and steps outside. He doesn’t return for several minutes, and the rest of the group starts to get impatient. Meanwhile, his girlfriend has also left the room to check on the food.)

Friend #1: *loudly* “Hey, [Host]! It’s your turn!”

(There’s no reaction, and we can hear that Host is still talking to someone on the phone.)

Friend #2: *even louder, with an evil smirk* “Hey, [Host]! Hurry up, the prostitutes are here!”

Friend #3: “Wouldn’t it be funny if that made [Girlfriend] appear instead?”

(Right on cue, his girlfriend enters the room, grinning broadly. She points back to the corridor where her boyfriend is still on the phone.)

Girlfriend: “Shout louder. His mom can’t hear you.”

You’ve Upgraded From The Underwear Dream

, , , | Friendly | July 16, 2017

(We’re a group of four girls, all close friends, and are having a sleepover in my friend’s tiny apartment. It’s pretty much one bedroom with a kitchenette, a tiny bathroom, and even tinier hallway. With four of us there it’s pretty crowded, but we make do. After some hours of drinking and silly games, one friend has already fallen asleep on the couch while the rest of us talk for a while. We finally decide to go to bed and just let our friend sleep through it since she seems comfortable enough. Unfortunately, she wakes up just as we’re all changing, in the main room, since there are no other options.)

Friend: “Wha… oh, god. Why are you all naked? Is this one of those weird dreams?” *gets a shocked look on her face* “Am I naked, too? Please tell me I’m not!”

Watership Down With GM Pet Food

, , | Friendly | July 15, 2017

(A couple we’re friends with is hosting a board game party. They own rabbits they currently keep on the balcony. During a game break, the girlfriend steps outside to feed the rabbits. A few seconds later, a dog on the street starts barking loudly.)

Other Friend: *wide-eyed* “What the h*** have you been feeding those rabbits?!”

Unfiltered Story #90901

, | Unfiltered | July 15, 2017

(As a teenager I had braces that were – in some way – done incorrectly and over the course of the treatment the enamel of my teeth started to deteriorate. Since I was a quiet and shy teenager I didn’t speak out and got in a somewhat vicious cicle of dental hygiene since properly cleaning my teeth started to hurt. After a while I even stopped going to the dentist because I was so ashamed. However, in my twenties I started seeing an amazing dentist who was very empathetic and didn’t judge. Session by session we started ironing things out but for a very special procedure he transfered me to a dental surgeon. This takes place at my first appointment before she even took a look at my teeth.)

Dentist: Hello [my name]. Nice to meet you! May I ask: How old are you?

Me: Hi … uhhm … Im 24. Why?

Dentist: Yeah, I thought so. But from your x-rays I’d guessed you would be 60.

Me *embarrassed*: Yeah, I know. But I try to contain the damage now.

Dentist: You got to start cleaning your teeth better!

Me: I’m cleaning them at least twice a day now. If you take a look you’ll see I really started taking dental hygiene very serious and try to save what can be saved. But the damage has been done. Still, I really clean my teeth.

Dentist: Don’t give me that spiel. I’ve seen how many fillings you have. You do a terrible job of keeping your teeth healthy.

Me *miserable*: Yes. Im very sorry. I know.

Dentist: You know how ugly such teeth are, right? You’re 23. Probably looking for a nice girl to marry some day. But I’m gonna tell you right now: With those teeth you’ll never find a girl!

Me *on the verge of tears*: I’m really trying to take better care. [Dentist] always told me I’m really doing a good job now. I’ve didn’t have a new cavity in 2 years.

Dentist: Well, I don’t care. Your mouth is ugly. And you’re probably gonna die alone with such bad mouth hygiene. Now go make an appointment with my receptionist for next month so we can start making you look human again.

(I didn’t want to object to her but I didn’t make an appointment and even almost quit the ongoing procedure with my regular dentist. He had to talk to me for an hour until I was ready to keep going. He also said he wouldn’t transfer patients to this dental surgeon anymore.)

 

Common Decency Has Checked Out

, , , | Friendly | July 11, 2017

(I come to check out. While waiting to put my groceries on the counter, first an older gentleman with only a bag of chips and later a kid with only a carton of ice cream get in line behind me and I let both of them go before me when I notice. Shortly after I start to put on my stuff, the next customer to get in line behind me addresses me rudely. Note that I usually leave a gap for other customers with one or two items at the beginning.)

Customer: “Let me go in front of you.”

(I turn around and look first at her cart which is about as full as mine, then her.)

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “You let those two go first, so you should let me, too.”

Me: *blinks confused* “No?”

Customer: *glares* “Yes.”

Me: *thinks that she maybe is in a hurry* “Do you have to be somewhere? Because if you don’t, I really don’t have a reason to let you go first.”

Customer: “That’s none of your business. You only don’t want to let me go first because you are sexist.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You heard me!”

Me: “So, you are saying I, obviously female, am sexist for letting two males who only had one thing each? Did I get that right?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: *turns around and proceeds putting my stuff on the counter*

(For a moment the customer is quiet before she starts squeezing between me and the other line with some of her stuff in her arms. Thankfully my cart has turned slightly and is blocking her.)

Me: “What are you doing?”

Customer: “You clearly left some space for ME because you do realize this is my rightful place, so I am taking it.”

Me: “No. That space is for one to two-item customers. Which at this point I am willing to let go in front of me even if they arrive after you, because you have been a jerk to me this entire time and I am a bit petty. Considering other customers probably heard you from across the shop, they will know why.”

(The customer continues to glare at me while I finish putting my groceries on the band and starts slamming her own onto it long before I am finished and not even just behind mine, instead putting her first item next to my last one. When I move to move it a bit back to put the divider-triangle-thing between our groceries she grabs my wrist.)

Customer: “Don’t touch my f***ing groceries!” *I refuse to answer that and instead go to move my own item* “WHAT DID I JUST SAY!”

Me: “I want to put my own item away so I can place the di—”

Customer: “NO! IF YOU DON’T LET ME GO FIRST, YOU PAY FOR MY GROCERIES!”

Me: “No. Let go of my wrist. You are starting to hurt me and if you damage it, I will take up charges.”

(Shocked, the customer let go and I grabbed my item, placed the divider, and started stacking my groceries, which I usually don’t like doing because I am terrible at balancing things. The rest of me paying for my groceries thankfully went out without a hitch and the cashier apologized for not reacting but said the way I was standing up to the customer suggested I had everything under control. I was too nervous to tell her the reason I hadn’t looked around for help was that that would have required eye contact which I am pretty much unable to initiate or hold.)

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