An Unwelcome Realization

, , , , , , , | Related | March 6, 2018

(My sister and her freeloading husband have moved in with my parents after being evicted. Even though Dad doesn’t want the husband there and says so, he finally caves and regrets it instantly. Mum finds that her cooking isn’t up to the husband’s standards, she wakes up from naps to find him leaning over her, he takes food from their fridge and puts it in his — they have a small kitchen of their own — and they can’t even have private conversations. My sister can’t even stand being at home with him; she spends most of her time travelling for work, and if she is back she will often sleep at her business. Nothing Mum or Dad do or say will convince him to move out, until he needs to go and “look after” his mother after she has surgery. After a few weeks of her having to do everything for him, his mother throws him out. Much to my parents’ surprise, he starts sleeping at my sister’s business, which has upset her as now she can’t get peace from him.)

Sister: *to my parents* “[Husband] says he isn’t coming back here.”

Dad: “Ooh… Why not?”

Sister: “He says you don’t make him feel welcome here.”

Dad: “Really?”

Sister: “Yeah. You should call him and tell he’s welcome to come back.”

Dad: “Yeah, no. That’s not going to happen.”

(My sister storms out.)

Mum: *to me* “If I knew three years ago that making him feel unwelcome was all there was to getting him out, I would have put more effort into it.”

Stephanie King

, , , , , | Related | March 5, 2018

(My six-year-old niece tells the best stories. My sister-in-law tries to warn me to walk away anytime [Niece] starts a story with, “My body,” but I love her stories.)

Niece: “My body is full of worms. There are worms in my throat and they fill up with blood and I can’t breathe. Then the blood drains out and I’m okay.”

(Another time:)

Niece: “My body is falling apart. My bones are too sharp and they cut my flesh.”

Sister-In-Law: “I think [Niece] needs therapy.”

Me: “What she needs is a dark room and a typewriter! She’ll be the next big horror author!”

Like Giving Candy To An Army

, , , , , , | Related | March 3, 2018

(My mother-in-law texts me for my husband’s APO. Before I give it to her, I double-check with my husband via Skype chat, asking if he wants her to have it.)

Husband: “Yeah, it’s okay. Just tell her not to send me candy because I’m trying to eat less sweets, just like before I deployed. Beef jerky and non-sugary mints are good, as well as useful stuff like razors, soap, deodorant, and toothpaste. And tell her not to send anything she’d want me to bring back home, because I don’t want to have to try to pack extra bulls*** when it’s time to head back.”

(I relay this to her as, “[Husband] says to not send candy or useless junk, but please send jerky, razors, soap, deodorant, and/or toothpaste.” A few days later, she texts me, asking if there’s anything specific he has said he needed.)

Me: “He asked me to pick up a few things for him, but I’ve already bought them and will be shipping them out later this week.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay, well, I’m going to send him a big bag of those Red Hots candies.”

Me: “I told you that [Husband] asked that you not send him any candy, though. If you want to send him something cinnamon, send him cinnamon-flavored mints, the kind that don’t melt. I’ve got a small container of them for him in the stuff I’m sending.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, he didn’t tell me not to send candy, so I’m sending them, anyway.”

(Later that evening, my husband video calls me over Skype and asks if I’d picked up the things he’d asked for.)

Me: “Yeah, I did and will send them soon.” *pause* “By the way, your mom says she’s sending you a big bag of Red Hots in her care package.”

Husband: *sighs* “I thought you told her not to send me candy. I know I asked you to tell her.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I did tell her, but she said that you didn’t tell her, so she was sending it, anyway.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and shrugs* “I’m sure [Soldier] would like to have a giant bag of those.”

(I feel sorry for my husband, because she’s probably going to send him lots of useless junk alongside the candy. But on the bright side: if she sends him crap that he doesn’t want or need, there are plenty of other soldiers who will appreciate it.)

A Different Kind Of Lip-Service

, , , , , , | Related | February 25, 2018

(My brother-in-law is over to play fighting games with my husband, and we are all clearing the coffee table so they can have it to put their fight sticks on. My brother-in law picks up my lip balm that was on the table.)

Brother-In-Law: “Is this lip balm from your gynecologist?

Me: “Yeah, they just have a bunch of them in a basket when you check out.”

Husband: “Isn’t that a little weird?”

Me: “No! They want you to take care of both sets of lips!”

Brother-In-Law & Husband: *horrified looks and awkward laughs*


A Back-Breaking Need For Attention

, , , , , , , | Related | January 28, 2018

(My mother-in-law has always been an attention-seeker, to the point that she has let her health fail, and she has intentionally fallen over or injured herself just to get people to notice her. We mostly ignore it, because we have gotten used to her antics. We have gathered up for Christmas to swap presents. At first, we were going to gather at my brother-in-law’s house, but since my mother-in-law threw such a fit, it got switched to her tiny house. As a result, there are ten of us crammed in this small living room with only a few seats, while the rest of us stand. My brother-in-law opens a present from his wife, which turns out to be a sonogram picture. Everyone jumps in on the hugs and congratulations immediately, except for my mother-in-law, who I notice slides out of her chair, braces herself on the floor, and then flops to her back.)

Mother-In-Law: *screaming* “I fell! I fell out of my chair! Oh, my back, it hurts!”

(Everyone immediately rushes to help her, except for my husband and me. He also noticed her intentionally slide onto the ground. He goes to check on her back.)

Husband: *barely touching her back* “Does it hurt here?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes! Ow, yes! It does!”

Husband: “Here?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, it hurts all over! I need you to call me an ambulance.”

Husband: *not even touching her now* “What about here?”

Mother-In-Law: “Ow, yes! Stop doing that; it hurts.”

Husband: “I didn’t even touch you that time, Mom.”

(She claimed that it hurt so bad, she couldn’t tell whether he touched her or not. Either way, people clued in on what she did and had very little sympathy for her antics.)

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