Yet Another Outdated Measuring System

, , , , , , | Related | April 23, 2019

My father-in-law has a saying regarding breast size: “More than a mouthful is a waste.”

My sister-in-law had just told me about it. Curious, I asked my husband to open his mouth as big as he could. He was puzzled but complied.

Shrugging, I turned to my sister-in-law and said, “So I’m wasteful.”

Knowing about his father’s saying, my husband doubled over in laughter.

The Title Writer Had To Go Calm Down After Reading This One

, , , , , , | Related | April 17, 2019

(My sister and her husband live in Houston. The only way for us or her in-laws to get there in a reasonable amount of time is by taking the interstate. This interstate is mostly two lanes each way and has a speed limit of 75 mph, though etiquette is to go 80 to 85. Even the small-town cops generally won’t pull people over for going less than 10 over. It’s also considered rude to drive in the left lane if you’re not passing someone or at least going fairly fast, and there are signs everywhere saying, “Left lane for passing only.” Pretty much everyone who’s driven on that road more than once knows this, especially life-long residents like my family and my sister’s in-laws. At one point, we are all hanging out and the topic of the drive there comes up, and my sister’s mother-in-law drops this gem:)

Sister’s MIL: “With all the people entering and exiting the highway, I just go 60 and drive in the left lane.”

(I almost called her out on it but didn’t want to start drama when she obviously didn’t care about how her behavior was affecting other drivers. She isn’t even some little old, “Driving Miss Daisy” type; she’s only in her 50s.)

Let’s Wrap This Meal Up

, , , , , , | Related | April 15, 2019

(Sometimes on a Friday night, when my mother-in-law is on her way home, we decide to get from a local pizza place from dinner. I’m always the one to call it in, unless I’m not home, obviously. My mother-in-law says she wants a chicken cheesesteak wrap, and my husband and I decide to share a pizza. I call the order in and they ask if we want tomato and lettuce on the cheesesteak. I say yes because the last time she got a wrap she was upset because it had no lettuce on it. The following happens when we sit down to eat at home:)

Mother-In-Law: “You guys got pizza? [Husband], I said I would have eaten pizza.”

(This is the same woman who never wants pizza)

Me: “Do you want the pizza? I’ll eat the wrap.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, I’m hungry.” *unwraps the wrap* “Why does this have lettuce and tomato on it? I never get tomato.”

Husband: “I’m not eating.”

(He slid his paper plate across the table at his mother and went into the bathroom. I sat there and ate my pizza. He finally came back and ate. After dinner, I went upstairs and thought how grateful I was that I’d be visiting my friend in Tennessee for a couple of weeks, and I wondered how they’d get along without the house “secretary” to call in their orders. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past them to call me in Tennessee to call the stupid order in. They never have before, but hey, there’s a first time for everything.)

Passed The Baton To More Civilized Times

, , , , | Related | April 13, 2019

Many years after the fact, my husband related to me and his parents a story of his first and only encounter with law enforcement.

When he was fourteen, he did one of those stupid things under peer pressure that was considered a badge of honor back then: driving a motorbike without a license, or indeed without being the appropriate age to get one. Of course, he was stopped and taken to the police station. As a minor, his parents were to be called, but there was an unofficial, alternative punishment: a couple of whacks across the buttock of the child in question. Different times, back then. It was not legal, of course, but deemed appropriate.

Given the choice, my husband without hesitation chose the alternative. The friendly police sergeant opened a drawer and gave him a choice of the tool. There was a colorful collection of batons of various materials, from wooden, to rubber, to plastic. My husband chose the least impressive, small one. The policeman said okay, grabbed the stick… and expanded it to working length. Yes, it was the first model of telescopic baton in use, and according to my husband, it stung.

Still, my husband maintains, that it was much better than what his father would have done to him, had he known about his ride without a license.

“You bet I would,” said my father-in-law, when my husband finished. “In fact, I still should!” and jokingly undid his belt.

Not The Kind Of Brotherly Love You Want

, , , , , , | Related | April 10, 2019

My husband and I went away for a weekend, so we asked his 17-year-old brother to check in on our dog and two cats in our absence. He agreed and off we went on our little vacation. When we returned, I noticed the bed had been stripped. I asked why and he said it was because one of the cats sprayed the bed. They’d never done it before, but I chalked it up to a kitty protesting our absence.

After that, I kept finding that things were not as I remembered them. I couldn’t explain what was happening but certain things just seemed… off.

I was taking a shower one day when, without looking, I reached for my shampoo only to find it on another shelf. My husband suggested that maybe I had moved it without thinking.

Another day, I went to make a sandwich but the lunch meat was gone. I knew I’d just bought a new pack two days before, so I asked my husband if he had eaten it. I told him my feelings about things around the house but he brushed them off, saying I must not be remembering things correctly.

Still another time, my husband and I were watching a movie before leaving for some errands. When we came home that night, a different channel was on. He started to believe something was off, so we started double checking that all the doors and windows were locked before we left the house.  

One night, my husband’s brother came over for dinner and brought his girlfriend — without asking, but that’s another annoyance.

After dinner, we were sitting outside when his girlfriend excused herself to use the toilet. I watched her walk inside and up the stairs, and then heard the bathroom door close, shortly followed by the sound of the toilet flushing.

She came back downstairs and rejoined us. I told my husband’s brother and his girlfriend that they would have to leave and would not be welcomed back for a long time.

He asked why and I replied, “The cat peed on the bed?” The girl turned deep red and stomped to the car, followed quietly by her boyfriend.

My husband was confused and started getting mad at me for being so rude. I pointed out that the girl had known exactly where the toilet was, despite not being given a tour or directions, and I started listing all the weird things that had happened since our vacation.

My husband called his brother, who confessed that he and his lady friend had been using our house as a lovenest while we were out.

We had our locks changed and refused to give a spare key to anyone. When his mother asked why she wasn’t getting a key, I told her what her son had done. This was over a year ago and I think he’s still mad at me.

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