Physician: Impregnate Thyself

, , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2018

My newly-pregnant sister-in-law and my grandfather are both doctors. Over lunch, they were discussing the stereotype of doctors making the worst patients. They both admitted they’re bad at making appointments for yearly check-ups and the like.

My brother spoke up, pointing to my sister-in-law’s baby bump, “Yeah, look what I had to do to get her to see a doctor!”

Hell’s Angels Need Their Muffins

, , , , | Related | September 11, 2018

(My brother-in-law is huge, with biker tattoos. I hear him say, all in a high-pitched, happy voice, upon raiding the pantry…)

Brother-In-Law: “Oooooooh, hidden muffin!”

Lawless In-Law

, , , , , , , , | Legal | September 11, 2018

(A few years ago my brother had a child with a woman from a terrible family. Racist grandmother, drug-addicted mother, brother, sister, and brother-in-law, and a stepfather who claimed to once be a “Hell’s Angel.” Predictably, things went south in the relationship and custody of my niece was in contention in court. Months of court dates had left emotions frayed and everyone on edge. While shopping at a local hardware store I have the unfortunate luck to run into the meth-addict brother-in-law of the family. We happen to end up in the same aisle and he calls out loudly.)

Brother-In-Law: “HEY!”

(I look up and see him with his five-year-old son, say a quick, “nope,” and turn around to walk away. The meth-head brother-in-law starts following me down the aisles of the hardware store. Never one to blink at an opportunity, I pull out my phone and start filming him over my shoulder.)

Brother-In-Law: “HEY, YOU F****** B****! YOU AND YOUR WHOLE F****** FAMILY ARE GOING DOWN! YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T CATCH ANY OF YOU F****** A**HOLES OR I’LL F*** YOU ALL UP!”

(This is while his seemingly forgotten son chases to keep up with him. Thankfully there is no physical altercation, but the video is worth its weight in gold. Fast forward through police reports and applying for a restraining order, to the court date. Our case is the last on the docket, so I endure a few hours of meth-head brother-in-law giving his missing-tooth smile, thinking he’s going to get off scot-free. Finally our case is called, and I am asked to present my side of the story. After I explain that I did nothing but turn and walk away while being verbally harassed, the judge then asks for the meth-head brother-in-law’s side.)

Brother-In-Law: “Your Honor, he and his dad chased me down the aisles! And when I held my hand out to shake hands and say hi, he ‘spitted’ on me and yelled at me! I had my son with me, and they yelled at him, too! I would never act that way around my son! Never!”

(No, my dad was not with me that day; I was alone. And yes, he said “spitted.”)

Judge: *to me* “Do you have anything to say to refute Mr. [Brother-In-Law]’s story?”

Me: “Yes, Your Honor; I have video of the incident.”

(I now get to look over at my meth-head brother-in-law with my own smile and see his grin slip off his face. I hand my phone over to the judge and she watches while glancing up at the two of us.)

Judge: “Well, Mr. [Brother-In-Law], not only can I see you and your son in this video, I can see him struggling to keep up with you. I can also hear the threats you’re making to Mr. [My Name] and his family. I am awarding Mr. [My Name] his restraining order and would advise that the next time you end up in court, try not to lie to the judge.”

(Cue an expletive-laden rant from my brother-in-law and the judge suggesting an escort for me to my car.)

Your Plan Has Been Shelved

, , , , , | Related | August 27, 2018

(A few years ago, when my boyfriend and I both were still living with our parents, my boyfriend’s room was stuffed with books and other things. Most of it was in piles on the floor because he only had a really small shelf and his father was constantly bringing home more books and stuff. He bought things he just wanted, but didn’t really need. Often the only reason he wanted those, was that he just saw them. And sometimes he brought things home he found on the street. He never bothered to bring those to the lost and found, and just kept them. So, my boyfriend needs new shelves. One Saturday morning an ad from a furniture store comes in the mail. The store is having a sale from this day on, including some convenient shelves.)

Father-In-Law: “Those look great. But we need to know if they are still available when we get there!”

Boyfriend: “The sale starts today, and we are going there this morning. I don’t think they will be sold out.”

Father-In-Law: “But what if they are sold out?! We need to phone them, to ask if they still have any. And I need to know if the shelves are pre-built or in pieces.”

Me: “Shelves like this are never pre-built. That is why they are this cheap.”

Father-In-Law: “I got a lot of furniture that was pre-built. We need to check that!”

(We first have to check the website to see if the sale really is happening, and not a misprint, double-check the price of the shelf, and also phone the store the minute it opens up to ask if they still have some of those shelves, and if they are in pieces or pre-built. Of course my boyfriend has to phone the store to ask for the information, but he needs to do everything exactly like [Father-In-Law] wants it. He tells my boyfriend word by word what he has to say on the phone, and then [Boyfriend] has to tell his father word by word what he is told. In the end [Father-In-Law] isn’t sure if [Boyfriend] did it right, so he takes the phone out of his hand, repeats every question once more, and gets the same answers once more. Of course they still have a lot of shelves, and yes, they are in pieces. But before we can drive there, [Father-In-Law] needs to check if his car is big enough to fit the two shelves. FYI, he drives the biggest Opel Zafira there is, and the height of one shelf is 1.6m. He stands at the open trunk for nearly half an hour, measuring. The result: diagonally it will be no problem to store a 1.6m-long package.)

Father-In-Law: “That is not enough!”

Me & Boyfriend: “What!?”

Father-In-Law: “What if the package is larger than 1.6m?”

Me: “The height of the build shelf is 1.6m, so the biggest parts of it are 1.6m long. Therefore, the package is 1.6m long. I’ve built up enough furniture to know this.”

Boyfriend: “We can still turn down one half of the rear bench seat.”

Father-In-Law: “We probably need to turn down the whole bench.” *to me* “So, you can’t join the drive to the store.”

(We persuade him that we probably don’t need to turn down the bench, and if so, only half of it, so I can join. But still, [Father-In-Law] reminds me that if it isn’t enough, he will drive home with the shelf and collect me later. I respond that this is a risk I am willing to take. At the store, everything goes okay. By coincidence, we find the salesperson that spoke to us a few hours ago on the phone, and he leads us right to the shelf we are looking for. We get the voucher for the checkout and the storage to collect two of them. [Father-In-Law] doesn’t want to browse the store, because as a retiree, he, of course, has no time at all, and we go immediately to the backside of the store to collect the shelves from the storage. While we are taking them out, two other people are pushing a fully built-up desk over the parking lot. [Father-In-Law] doesn’t hesitate to conclude that the store normally sells pre-built furniture. Every other person that is coming out of the storage has packages like we do, but for [Father-In-Law] that doesn’t matter. The packages fit the car without us turning down the bench and we drive home. Back at their place, [Boyfriend] and I each take one package and start building them up. [Father-In-Law] stands around the whole time making comments about the buildup that are dumb or just wrong. We ignore the comments and complete the buildup. [Father-In-Law] is confident that it is because of him. Finally we are able to clean up [Boyfriend]’s room and remove the piles of books from the ground and put them into the shelves. Fast forward a few years. [Boyfriend] and I are moving in together, and because my boyfriend only drives a small Opel Corsa, he asks his father to lend him the Zafira — still the same big car — so he can take all his stuff over to the new apartment, including the shelves.)

Father-In-Law: “They won’t fit!”

Boyfriend: “They did when we bought them. I even can turn down the bench because [My Name] has her own car.”

Father-In-Law: “They won’t fit! And I also need them!”

Boyfriend: “For what? I am moving out and taking almost everything with me that is in these shelves at the moment.”

Father-In-Law: “I just need them!”

(In the end, [Mother-In-Law] and [Boyfriend] persuaded him that [Boyfriend] could take the shelves to the new apartment. These two were the only furniture he was taking with him. Everything else, including a really big wardrobe, he was leaving behind, so [Father-In-Law] really had enough places to store more of the unnecessary stuff he was constantly bringing home. But he didn’t want [Boyfriend] to have the car, so I asked my uncle, who had a small and really old transporter, if we could borrow it for our move. Of course we could. The transporter was almost the same size as [Father-In-Law]’s Zafira, and it was no problem at all to transport the shelves and everything else. We are still using the shelves to this day. [Father-In-Law] “moved” to his son’s room for his “office”-work because his office is stuffed. And every time we visit my in-laws, my boyfriend’s old room is more stuffed than before with more unnecessary things.)

My Amazement Is Overflowing

, , , , , | Related | August 20, 2018

(My brother-in-law often does things without worrying about repercussions. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care what happens; he just doesn’t think things through. I’ve wondered — with no disrespect — if he has an undiagnosed mental disorder. He is 26 at the time of this story. The toilet in our main bathroom has been acting funny — not refilling one time, then overflowing the next — so we have decided to use the half bathroom. Not a problem; it’s just the two of us. My brother-in-law comes over after work one day to play video games. During a break, he heads toward the main bathroom.)

Me: “Oh, wait! That toilet doesn’t work!”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, I just have to pee.”

Me: “It still doesn’t work.”

Brother-In-Law: “I just have to pee.”

Me: “You can’t use that toilet.”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh. That’s dumb.”

Husband: “[Brother], were you just… not going to flush?”

Brother-In-Law: “Well, no. I just didn’t know what she meant.”

(While he is in the working bathroom, my husband takes some duct tape and tapes the broken toilet shut, just in case. A few hours later, they take another bathroom break. Having just used the bathroom myself, I realize our guest is missing.)

Me: “Where is your brother?”

Husband: “Bathroom.”

Me: “I was just in there.”

(My husband runs up the stairs to the main bathroom just in time to see his brother come out. The toilet is nearly overflowing.)

Husband: “What are you doing? Move! Grab towels!”

Brother-In-Law: “I had to pee.”

Husband: “The toilet doesn’t work!”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah, what’s going on with that?”

(My husband and his brother soak up the mess and come back downstairs.)

Me: “[Brother-In-Law], why did you use that bathroom?”

Brother-In-Law: “How was I supposed to know it was broken?”

Husband: “Besides us telling you earlier and taping the lid shut?”

Brother-In-Law: “Oh. I thought you did that because the lid wouldn’t stay down.”

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