That Mother-In-Law Is A Special Brand

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2021

My wife is one of the most independent, driven, and hardworking people I’ve ever met, to the point where we make in-jokes about her being the submissive housewife because the concept is absolutely ludicrous. 

Prior to meeting my wife, I started a company and have a stylized version of my initials as the company logo. My wife then started working at the company with me, and it became such a large part of our lives that she chose to get the company logo as a tattoo on the back of her neck.

My mother-in-law has become pretty disillusioned with marriage due to her own experiences and has been pretty derogatory and insulting to our union, mainly making comments along the lines of, “Once this marriage ends…” etc.

This story occurs at a beach, several years into our marriage. Because the tattoo is in a fairly hidden place and the relationship is strained, it’s the first time that my mother-in-law has noticed my wife’s tattoo.

Mother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?!”

Wife: “What’s what?”

Mother-In-Law: “On the back of your neck! Is that a tattoo?!”

Wife: “Oh, that! Yeah, I got it a few years ago.”

My mother-in-law then turns and addresses me, and I will admit I’m a smarta**.

Mother-In-Law: “DID YOU F****** BRAND HER?!” 

Me: “Well, that ring can come off; that tattoo never will.”

This sends her into a rage, with lots of yelling and swearing, and eventually, she storms off. I am talking with my wife after.

Me: “Honestly, I don’t get how she thought I made you get the tattoo. I’m pretty sure the last time anyone made you do anything, you were in diapers.”

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Dentists Are Expensive; Establish Good Habits Early!

, , , , , | Related | June 26, 2021

My husband and I are going out for a date, so my in-laws are babysitting for us. When they get to our house I go over our two-year-old’s bedtime routine. I show them where we keep her toothbrush and flossers. 

Father-In-Law: “You brush her teeth? Why? She’s only two.”

Me: “Because she has teeth.”

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Have A Heart — But Not That One!

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: Leather-Shop8468 | June 22, 2021

I like to knit and crochet during the year, and then I give the scarves and hats that I make to my aunt’s church; they organise parties for really low-income families. These parties are filled with games and activities for the children. I love helping my aunt during this time, by giving my time and knitting stuff for those less fortunate.

My brother recently started dating this girl, and to be kind, and honest, I don’t like her. She has trouble understanding personal space, privacy of others, and boundaries. She will insist that you tell her all about private affairs that you don’t want to talk about and will make it her business. She has been constantly trying to get me to date her friends that I’m not interested in. At one point, she thought I was a lesbian because I didn’t like any of the guys that she wanted to set me up with.

When my aunt talked about the church’s plan to still offer help during Christmas despite the health crisis, I told her that I had a lots of scarves and hats to give at home. My aunt was delighted and asked me to bring them to her as soon as possible. I agreed. However, the day I wanted to bring them to her, I was called to come into the office to replace a colleague.

I asked my brother’s girlfriend if she could pick up the bag with the scarves and hats that was sitting at the top of my stairs, not in my living room!

I have a seven-year-old niece who wants to be a police officer like her dad when she grows up and loves the colour pink. The more sickly-sweet pink, the better. She’s a sweet kid who doesn’t ask for much. She asked me to make her a neon hot pink hat and scarf with a white heart. I agreed and had just finished them both and left them in a drawer in my living room. I was planning to wrap them up and give them to my sister later on.

This evening, I came home from work, exhausted. I noticed my brother’s girlfriend had come by and taken the bag. “Oh, great!” I thought. It reminded me of my niece’s gifts.

However, when I went to get them, they were gone. I checked everywhere for them, thinking I had misplaced them. Then, it hit me. Maybe I had put them with the donation bag by mistake. I immediately called my aunt, but she couldn’t find them. There was no neon hot pink scarf or hat with a white heart.

I called my brother’s girlfriend in a panic. She picked up and told me that she had seen the scarf and hat. Oh, thank God, right? Nope! Turns out that my brother’s girlfriend had decided that I hadn’t given enough for charity, so she decided to snoop around my house to find some more. She took four other scarves and hats that were for other people and my niece’s gift. She also decided to rearrange my drawers because they were not clean and organised.

I put my anger on the back burner for a while, because my niece’s gift was more important for now. When I asked my brother’s girlfriend what had happened to it, she responded that she had taken it and given it to her niece because her sister was in need. To say that I was offended and pissed is like saying that fire burns.

I proceed to lose my s*** at her. How dare she? She goes through my stuff, takes my belongings, gives away my gift for my niece, and then she has the gall to give me a lecture on how I should be happy that I helped a spoiled brat who has two parents making seven figures a year? I told her that if the scarf and hat weren’t in my possession by tomorrow night, I was going to sue the s*** out of her. She scoffed and hung up. I called everyone in my family, including my brother.

Twenty minutes ago, my brother’s girlfriend brought me the scarf and hat back and apologised. She was in tears and begged me not to involve my brother-in-law, a cop. My brother-in-law — bless his heart — had swung by her house and threatened to have her arrested for thievery.

I just took my stuff back, thanked her for doing the “right” thing, and closed the door on her. I was so angry at her that I was numb inside.

My niece will have her gift, my aunt has the knitted stuff I made for her church, and my brother is now single. What a day!

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of June 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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A Mother-In-Law So Sweet She’ll Give You Diabetes

, , , | Healthy | June 21, 2021

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes when I was five months pregnant. My OBGYN referred me to a dietitian for a consultation. I went with my mother-in-law since the office is hard to reach with public transport. 

During the consultation, my mother-in-law kept telling the dietitian that I always eat a lot of rice, noodles, and Asian food in general that has high sugar levels. She’s not completely wrong, but I am also okay with switching to a low-carb, low-sugar diet. Then, my mother-in-law suggested that I eat at her place more often since she always eats healthy. My dietitian seemed happy, and I just said yes to keep the consultation going.

Fast forward to the next consultation with my dietitian, one month later, the week after Christmas. This time, I went with my husband.

Dietitian: “Hi! How was your Christmas?”

Me: “It was good. We celebrated at his parents’ place. My mother-in-law always prepares the Christmas dinner.”

Dietitian: “Were you able to keep your blood sugar level low and stable?”

Me: “Yes. The highest was 6.2, and it was after a slice of pie.”

Dietitian: “Oh, good! What did you eat other than that?”

Me: “I knew I wanted the pie, so I skipped the mashed potatoes and only ate the roast beef and beans. I skipped the sauce and compote. I also only ate a small slice of pie.”

Dietitian: “Didn’t your mother-in-law say that she always cooks healthy?”

Husband: “Ignore her. She always says that, but then always cooks mashed potatoes with gravy, salad with tons of dressing, and prepackaged juice.”

Dietitian: “Oh.”

I love my husband and how realistic he is about everything.

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Sweet Dramatic Irony

, , , , | Related | April 26, 2021

My wife’s grandmother is a very opinionated lady. The things she thinks she knows are the only facts there are. She is a lovely lady but hard to get along with.

Mother-In-Law: “Coffee, anyone?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Mother-In-Law: “I forget, how do you take it?”

Me: “Black with a sweetener, please.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Ha! Sweeteners. Like that will make a difference.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Grandmother-In-Law: “How is not eating a little teaspoon of sugar going to do anything?”

Me: “Not a lot on its own, probably, but—”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Exactly! That’s my point. Waste of time.”

Me: “It won’t do much on its own, but sweetener instead of sugar, low-fat milk, low-fat butter, light cooking in oil instead of fat — they all add up.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “But you don’t need to lose any weight.”

Me: “No, but making little changes that barely impact the taste and are more healthy is an obvious choice for me.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Well, you keep your ‘obvious choices’ for yourself. I will stick with what I know tastes good. Oh, is that my tea?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, Mom.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Two sugars?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, Mom.”

Grandmother-In-Law: “Delicious, thank you.”

[Mother-In-Law] hadn’t had sugar in the house for a week, so that was definitely sweetener.

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