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And Now I’m Craving Donuts, Too. Thanks.

, , , , , , , | Related | October 19, 2021

One night while we are doing dishes, my wife mentions really having a craving for donuts from a certain shop she likes that’s a bit of a drive away from our house. I decide I want to be nice and surprise her, so I get up early and drive to the donut shop. While I’m waiting in line, my father walks in.

Me: “Hey, what are you doing here?”

Dad: “[Mother] mentioned she was craving donuts from here and I got up early to surprise her. What about you?” 

Me: “[Wife] was craving donuts.”

Just then, my brother-in-law walks in and is surprised to see us.

Me: “Let me guess, [Sister] was craving donuts?”

He nods.

Me: “Just out of curiosity, do you guys start drooling when you hear bells like I do?” 

Turns out my wife, mom, and sister had gone out to lunch the day before and all of our “surprises” weren’t as much our idea as we had thought.

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This Lesson Really Speeds

, , , , , , | Legal | October 18, 2021

I have submitted a few stories about my father-in-law, including this one. Some years ago, we were sitting on our back porch having a cookout and talking. My husband mentioned that I had gotten my first ever speeding ticket at the ripe ol’ age of twenty-seven. My father-in-law looked surprised.

Father-In-Law: “Really, [My Name]? You’re usually such a good driver.”

Me: “Well, they just changed the speed limit on the road from fifty-five to thirty-five last week. I forgot and they clocked me doing fifty-seven. It’s my fault for not paying attention. I am not sure how this is going to work in court since I have never had a speeding ticket before.”

Husband: “I told her she should plead not guilty.” 

Me: “But that would be a lie. I am guilty. While it wasn’t on purpose, I was still breaking the law.”

Father-In-Law: “No, I agree. Tell the truth. Don’t lie; explain it. The judge might be in a good mood and give you a reduced fine.”

Husband: “Hey, Dad, tell her about your speeding ticket in Georgia.”

[Father-In-Law] told us about how he was going down a highway some years ago in Georgia when an officer pulled him over and gave him a ticket. [Father-In-Law] said he didn’t think he was going over the speed limit but it was kind of fascinating because the officer had a radar gun. This was in the 1980s when these were kind of new in rural areas. [Father-In-Law] had never seen one, and the officer was kind of proud of it and more than happy to show it off to my father-in-law.

When they went to court, [Father-In-Law] started noticing something interesting. The first five people called up were all clocked at sixty-seven mph by that cop on the same road on the same day.  

When they called [Father-In-Law] up:

Father-In-Law: “Your honor, I mean no disrespect, but before I enter a plea, I am asserting my right to see the evidence. I want to see this officer’s proof of training on this piece of equipment, as well as the paperwork of the last time it was calibrated.”

The judge was less than pleased.

Judge: “What makes you think you can demand any of that?!”

Father-In-Law: “Since none of you have noticed, the five defendants before me were all clocked doing sixty-seven. And so was I. I am curious about the cases after me. What were they clocked at?”

The judge immediately calmed down and asked the officer to look at his ticket book. The officer flipped through his book and, with amazement, proclaimed that all the tickets that day were for sixty-seven mph.

Judge: “I never noticed.” 

The judge sat back for a moment.

Judge: “I’ve hated those newfangled things since the day I saw them. I never thought they could be trusted. I’m glad I am retiring soon. Case dismissed.”

He then told his secretary that all tickets that day were dismissed and asked her to see if someone could catch the five previous defendants before they left the building. The officer did shake [Father-In-Law]’s hand, so there were no hard feelings.

As for me, I did plead guilty. The judge said I was the first person who ever plead guilty in front of him. He told me that as long as I kept my nose clean and had no more tickets for at least a year, I was good to go. I haven’t had a speeding ticket since and don’t plan to.

Related:
This Lesson Really Blows
This Lesson Really Bites
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 3
This Lesson Really Stings, Part 2
This Lesson Really Stings

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The Owner Has Also Found “Issues”

, , , , | Right | October 13, 2021

We are selling our house. I normally let the agent deal with the viewings, but on the rare occasion they can’t, I don’t mind stepping in.

Today, I’m due to work, but I manage to squeeze in a viewing before I go. I take them around the house. They are making all the right noises, asking questions, and sizing up the room for their furniture.

As we finish, I show them out and they both seem very keen. I lock up and get to work. The next day, the agent calls me.

Agent: “How did it go?”

Me: “Good, they seemed really keen.”

Agent: “Okay, I spoke to them and they wanted me to tell you that they were interested but had other houses to see.”

Me: “Sure, I understand. Please let me know if you hear any more.”

Agent: “Sure. Oh, did you say you were the agent?”

Me: “No. Oh, I was in my work gear and I left the house when we finished. They probably assumed.”

Agent: “Ah, no worries. That explains it.”

A couple of days later, I get a call and they want a second viewing. Would I like to do this one, as well? As the last one went so well, I say sure. They let me know the time and that she will be bringing her mother-in-law.

I greet them in my work gear and give them the same tour again. The woman is keen but the mother-in-law is picking at everything.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, I don’t like those curtains!”

Woman: *To me* “I’m sorry. [Mother-In-Law], they won’t stay if we buy the house.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, don’t you think this room is a bit small?”

Woman: “It’s bigger than the one we have now.”

Mother-In-Law: “Are you sure?”

Woman: “Yeah, I checked.”

This continues all around the house, the mother-in-law grumbling and the woman defending the place. We finish up and the mother-in-law stops me.

Mother-In-Law: “So, how much is this up for?”

Me: “It’s [price].”

Mother-In-Law: “Hmm, that sounds like a lot.”

Me: “It’s fairly typical of the area, and it’s priced to sell.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, they’re desperate to sell, huh? Why didn’t you say so? How much is the lowest they would take?”

Woman: “[Mother-In-Law]! You can’t ask that.”

Mother-In-Law: “Shh, I know what I’m doing. So, how much would they take? What if we found some ‘issues’?”

Me: “The price is a fair valuation. The ‘owners’ know that they will sell at this price. If you do find actual issues, they can be discussed.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, playing hardball. Okay, tell them we aren’t interested, then.”

Woman: “No, don’t do that, please; we are interested.”

Me: “There has been a lot of interest in the house; an offer has already been made.”

Woman: “Oh, no, okay, we are interested. We just need to figure out our budget.”

Mother-In-Law: “He’s lying. That’s what they all say. Tell them, tell them we’re not interested.”

Woman: “Stop, will you?!”

She dragged her mother-in-law out. They did make an offer; it was good but not enough. They upped it, but we soon received a much better offer and sold the house. I wonder what the conversation was when they saw the house taken off the market.

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The Lesser Of Two Evils

, , , , , | Related | September 26, 2021

Mom: “Can [Dad] and I come live with you when we’re old?”

Me: “Of course!”

Mom: “Really? Why?”

Me: “I don’t want to have any vacancies for the in-laws.”

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“You Can Accept Your Family Or You Can Be Alone.” Well Said.

, , , , , , | Related | September 23, 2021

My sister-in-law is trans. She introduced herself at a small family dinner at my house, after telling me and my husband what she wanted to do. There were some mixed emotions, some confusion, a lot of loud words, and many, many tears. [Mother-In-Law] was the loudest, screaming about the sin [Sister-In-Law] had committed, about how she was a man, and about how no one would accept her as she is. [Sister-In-Law] got kicked out of her house and came to live with my husband and me.

A few weeks after [Sister-In-Law] moved in, [Mother-In-Law] dropped by unannounced with a box of things belonging to [Sister-In-Law]. They were damaged and, judging by the smug look on her face, [Mother-In-Law] was responsible. [Sister-In-Law] asked if we could say she was out so she didn’t have to deal with any of it right away.

Mother-In-Law: “Where is [Sister-In-Law’s Dead Name]? I have his stuff.”

Husband: “Who? Oh, [Sister-In-Law] is—”

Mother-In-Law: “[Sister-In-Law] isn’t real. I gave birth to [Sister-In-Law’s Dead Name]. Is he upstairs?”

She walked toward the stairs but I blocked her.

Me: “[Sister-In-Law] isn’t here. If that’s all, I’ll walk you out.”

Mother-In-Law: “I have a right to see my son!”

Husband: “I’m right here.”

Mother-In-Law: “No, you know I mean [Sister-In-Law’s Dead Name].”

Me: “[Sister-In-Law] isn’t available. You can leave now.”

Mother-In-Law: “Sinners!”

She took a swing at me and connected, scratching the side of my face and grabbing my hair. It took everything in me not to hit her back. [Husband] intervened and pulled us apart. He had a firm grip on his mother’s arm as he escorted her out the door. 

Husband: “You can accept your family or you can be alone. The choice is yours.”

He shut the door in her face as she tried to come back in. I think I actually heard her connect with the door. I suffered no long-term effects from her attack. [Sister-In-Law] still lives with us but we haven’t heard a peep from her mother.

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