Pathologically Obsessed

, , , | | Related | July 16, 2019

(My mother-in-law was one of the first speech/language pathologists trained in the United States and she thinks that speech pathology, occupational therapy, etc., are the be-all-end-all of careers for women. She tends to be EXTREMELY overbearing and has ALWAYS insisted that I follow her career path to the letter because she doesn’t want her son — her only child — to be married to someone who “isn’t like her.” I am a former truck driver — one of the few women in my area to be a truck driver — who went to college to study supply chain management but is now pursuing a career as a Certified Public Accountant. My mother-in-law isn’t happy about this.)

Me: “[Mother-In-Law], I have decided to enroll in the MBA program at [College] to get the required college accounting credits to qualify to take the CPA exam in [State].”

Mother-In-Law: “But why don’t you want to become a speech pathologist? Everyone wants to become a speech pathologist, but most people aren’t smart enough to become one.”

Me: “I hate speech pathology! I’m not comfortable sitting with children and disabled people and teaching them how to speak or swallow or whatever you people do.”

Mother-In-Law: “But speech pathology is the best career for women! I love speech pathology!”

Me: “Yes, you might love it, but I am more comfortable working with numbers and financial statements. Remember how you told me that you barely passed basic accounting when you took it while you were in college in the 1960s? I took basic accounting for my supply chain management degree and I got an A because I loved it so much. We are different people; please understand that!”

Mother-In-Law: “But everyone loves speech pathology! People don’t like accountants!”

Me: “I don’t care! People also don’t like truck drivers, despite the fact that we are the people who deliver every single good that they use in their day-to-day lives. Public perception is very flawed. Also, pretty much no one I know even understands what speech pathology is. Everyone knows what accountants do.”

Mother-In-Law: “But you should become a speech pathologist. I have always wanted a daughter-in-law who is a speech pathologist!”

Me: “That’s you. I also took a vocational test through the Department of Labor and accounting was the career that I scored highest on. My scores for speech pathology and the other health sciences were very low. Why should I do something just because you say so?”

Mother-In-Law: “Because I want you to!”

(I walked away from her at that point because she wasn’t going to understand the fact that people are different and have different interests.)

So Much For Forgiveness And Grace…

, , , , , , , | | Related | June 28, 2019

In 1992, a few months before getting married, my ex-husband wanted me to meet his parents. He did not visit them very often and when I met them, I understood why. He had told me that his mom was a former nun and his dad was a former monk. They were pretty religious people but his mother was a bit over-religious.

We invited them for dinner and when they got to our place, the first thing his mother told me was, “You are both going straight to Hell because you are living in sin!” That set the tone for the rest of this awkward evening. I think that she must have told me at least ten times that night that life is a valley of tears, that I should go confess my sins, and that Jesus died for my sins. His dad barely spoke, only saying yes or no to a few questions.

When we mentioned our upcoming wedding that was supposed to be a civil ceremony at the courthouse — my fiancé and I did not believe in religion — that did not sit well with his mom and she told us, (well, she screamed), “It will not be a real wedding because it’s not a religious one and you will still be living in sin!”

After that evening, my future ex-husband decided it would be best if they did not come to our wedding because he feared that his mother would cause a scene in front of our guests… and I did not even try to make him change his mind!  

I later learned that his Bible-thumper holy Mary of a mother was kicked out of the convent because she was caught, multiple times, having sex with another nun! She had an affair with her husband’s boss and got pregnant by him. Her husband knew because they had stopped having sex years before for religious reasons! His two older brothers had told him the stories and his dad, the one he knew as his dad, confirmed it!

You’d Think He Was Allergic To Pink

, , , , , | | Related | June 26, 2019

(My brother-in-law, his wife, and their one-year-old boy come to visit us one summer. One of their bags gets lost in the airport — the one with all the kid clothes. They spend quite a lot of time in the airport trying to find the bag, but it doesn’t appear. When they arrive at our home they don’t want to go out to buy clothes because they are very tired, so I offer some of my kids’ clothes. I only have girls, but I have a lot of “gender neutral” clothes. The problem arrives at night. All my kids’ pajamas are girls’ pajamas. That is when I have this conversation with my brother-in-law’s wife.)

Me: “I have this blue one with a pink dinosaur, the red one with flowers, and the green one with cupcakes. Which one do you prefer for [Boy]?”

Wife: “Do you have something that is not so girly?”

Me: “No, but what is the problem with him using one of this? He is only one year old and it will be only one night. Here, use the one with the dinosaur; [Boy] will love it.”

Wife: “But the dinosaur is pink!”

Me: “And? I don’t see any problem with using pink one night in his life. Actually, I don’t see any problem with him using any pink.”

Wife: “Well… It’s only for one night… But no, he will sleep in the white onesie.”

Me: “But why?”

Wife: “Actually, I don’t mind that much, but if [Brother-In-Law] sees him with something pink he will not talk to me again. You know how he can be with this kind of things…”

(I preferred not to insist. The next day, we went to buy a lot of blue and green clothes. To this day, I can’t understand this mania with the “no pink” rule.)

Looking For (Micro)Soft Targets

, , , , | | Legal | June 12, 2019

(My wife is on the phone with her 65-year-old father. He’s normally very intelligent, and not losing his mental faculty at all, but he is notoriously gullible. He’s telling her about a call he had earlier that day with Tech Support. It’s clear to us immediately that he was scammed.)

Wife: *to her father* “But you barely use your computer. Why would it have a bunch of viruses?” *listens to him speak* “But your computer was working fine.” *listens to him speak* “[Software Company] called you?” *listens to him speak* “It was a fake website, Dad. It’s just made to trick people by showing error messages and warnings about viruses.” *listens to him speak* “Please tell me you didn’t give him your credit card number!”

Me: “Give me the phone; I’ll explain it to him.” *takes phone*

Father-In-Law: “It wasn’t a scam. He said they found viruses, but he fixed the computer. He was really nice; his name was Mike.”

(My father-in-law used to work as a car mechanic until his recent retirement.)

Me: “Let me ask you one thing. Did your boss ever send you out to check the tire pressure for your clients at their own homes?”

Father-In-Law: “No.”

Me: “Did you ever drive around to your clients to check their oil without even asking them?”

Father-In-Law: “No, that’s silly.”

Me: “Right. It’s their car. They’re responsible for it, not you. And your boss couldn’t afford to pay you to check on everyone else’s cars for free. Right?”

Father-In-Law: “Of course.”

Me: “So, why would [Software Company] pay someone to check your computer for viruses when you never even asked them to? How many people would they need to employ to check on everyone with a computer?”

Father-In-Law: *in total surprise* “I think I’ve been scammed.”

(He called his bank, and they had already taken $1200. I seriously hate scammers.)

In-Laws Keep Finding New Ways To Piss People Off

, , , | | Related | June 10, 2019

(After years of witnessing my late mother-in-law’s questionable hygiene habits, my husband’s elder brother has recently moved in with us after her passing. It appears he has inherited her habits. I recently found myself uttering this memorable little gem.)

Me: “Who the f*** wiped up cat piss with one of my hand-crocheted dishcloths and put it back in the kitchen sink?”

(I had to throw out two handmade dishcloths because Mr. “Nobody” dumped the pissy one onto a second one.)

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