Apparently, a family BBQ that I missed turned into a bit of drama involving an altercation between my dad and an in-law.

I overheard my mom on the phone with the in-laws’ spouse, discussing what to do with their husbands. The morning after the BBQ. I am just waking up to hear my mom’s side of the conversation with zero context.

Mom: “Look, I know your husband is a police officer.”

Pause.

Mom: “Yes, I know that [Dad] said, “f*** the police”.”

Pause.

Mom: “But if your husband hadn’t gone straight to punching, he would have heard him follow up that statement with, “Sting’s solo work is much better”.”

CONTENT WARNING: Child endangerment

My mother-in-law is visiting after the birth of my first baby. Against our wishes and against the doctor’s instructions, she decides to give him a bottle filled with whole milk and banana cereal. 

This is old-school stuff. Something our parents did decades ago, but not recommended until a baby is at least four to six months old.

Since we told her not to do it, she hides the bottle under the couch, so I won’t find it… and keeps feeding him with this dirty bottle.

About a week later, I noticed white patches all over the inside of my baby’s mouth and cheeks. I take him to the doctor.

Doctor: “It’s thrush; bacterial infection from a dirty bottle.”

I go home and absolutely freak out. I confront her.

Me: “He has thrush from the bottle. The doctor said it’s from bacteria.”

She waves it off like it’s nothing.

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, all my kids had thrush. Just scrape it off the inside of his cheeks with a Brillo pad.”

WHAT?!

Note to self: never leave my children alone with her. NEVER.

My husband and I are announcing our pregnancy to both sets of parents at a family gathering. My parents are overjoyed. My mother-in-law, not so much…

Mother-In-Law: “You’re adopted, right?”

Me: “Yes, you know that.”

She brings it up all the time, like she thinks she can sling mud with it. It bothers her how unbothered I am about it.

Mother-In-Law: “Well, since nobody knows where you came from, aren’t you afraid of what could be wrong with your baby?”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

My Parents: “Are you being serious?!”

Mother-In-Law: “What?! She has no heritage, so it’s a risk!”

Husband: “Mom, considering how much you drink and that you take so many antidepressants, you rattle, I’m going to take my chances that our child turns out more like my wife than like you. Now, are you going to be happy for us or are you going to leave?”

She left.

Our daughter is now almost a year old. Mother-in-Law has met her precisely once.

My mother-in-law is, to put it mildly, not a nice person. How she was able to raise someone as considerate, open-minded, and tactful as my husband will remain a mystery.

I remember first meeting her at a brunch organised by my future husband. As soon as she’s introduced to me, her eyes go wide, and she says:

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, my! You didn’t tell me she looked so… exotic.”

Husband: “Mom! You can’t say that!”

Me: “I’m half Spanish, ma’am. My father is Spanish, but has some South American heritage.”

Mother-In-Law: “That explains it. You have a maid-like look about you.”

Husband: “Mom!”

Mother-In-Law: “What? I’m simply making conversation. It’s not my fault you pick a girlfriend who looks like a maid… or a stripper.”

Me: “Funny, you should say that. That’s how we met. My stage name is Goldie.”

Mother-In-Law: “…” *Look of shock.*

Me: “What? I’m simply… making conversation.”

Considering I’m a desk-bound actuary who wears glasses and business suits, I took her insult as a compliment. 

Our relationship didn’t improve any from that first meeting.

It’s Christmas at my husband’s parents’ house. It’s my first Christmas with them, and my husband warned me that his mom is a bit of a clean freak, but we have two kids, and she wants some ‘grandma time’ with them over the holidays.

His mom starts taking the decorations off the tree.

Me: “What are you doing?”

Mother-In-Law: “Taking down the tree! Christmas is over!”

It was 9 AM on Christmas Day. My kids were still opening their presents…