The Boobs Of Justice

, , , , | Related | October 27, 2019

(For some reason, my mother-in-law is dead set against me breastfeeding my week-old daughter. We are going to see her 90-year-old mother who is in a nursing home, and she keeps on at me about it all the way there.)

Mother-In-Law: “Mum will tell you the same thing.”

(The new great-grandmother is so happy to hold her new great-granddaughter, but my daughter starts fussing and crying while she’s holding her.)

Grandmother: “Ooh, she’s hungry… Quick, get the boobies out.” 

(I nursed her before handing her back. I got stony silence all the way home.)

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Dance Dance Dissolution

, , , , | Related | October 21, 2019

(My brother-in-law is obsessed with a certain online game — the one with the ridiculous dance moves. He is so obsessed that when he isn’t playing, he acts like an addict in detox. My husband doesn’t see it this way, but offers no alternative for why his 26-year-old brother would be moody and withdrawn when he isn’t playing. One night, he is over for dinner and, of course, plays this game on our console, something I specifically said he could not do. When dinner is ready, I call him to the table.)

Me: “Hey, [Brother-In-Law], come eat!”

Brother-In-Law: *distracted* “Um… hang on. I’m… busy.”

Me: “Pause it; it’s time to eat.”

Brother-In-Law: *no response*

Me: “[Husband], go get him.”

Husband: “He’ll be here in a minute.”

(Ten minutes pass, and all I hear from the other room is [Brother-In-Law] screaming at the TV and the game restarting. I go to the living room to fetch him myself.)

Me: “[Brother-In-Law]! Come on!”

Brother-In-Law: *distracted* “Okay. Hold… Just a… second.”

Me: *stepping in front of the TV* “Dinner is getting cold. Let’s go!”

Brother-In-Law: *furious* “F***! Move! Oh, my f******… You made me lose! F***!”

Me: *cheerfully* “Now you can come to eat with us. Let’s go!”

Brother-In-Law: “Fine.”

([Brother-In-Law] follows me to the kitchen, grabs a plate of food, and skirts around me back to the living room.)

Me: “Excuse me. What are you doing?”

Brother-In-Law: *firing up the game again* “You wanted me to eat.”

Me: “I wanted you to eat with us. Come in here.”

Brother-In-Law: “But the game!”

Me: “It’s just a game!” *moves to unplug the console*

Brother-In-Law: “Don’t touch that!”

Me: *astounded* “Did you just tell me to not touch my [game console]?”

Brother-In-Law: *condescendingly* “That’s what I said.”

Me: *shrug* “Okay.”

(I go down to the basement where our wireless router is set up and pull the plug. In no time, I hear a feral screech and pounding. I come back upstairs to see [Brother-In-Law] holding his controller so tightly his knuckles are turning white.)

Brother-In-Law: “WHAT THE F***?!”

Husband: “What?!”

Brother-In-Law: “YOUR B**** RUINED MY GAME!”

Husband: *sternly* “My wife invited you over for dinner, not to play video games. If you want to play your game, you can go home.”

Brother-In-Law: “But–”

Husband: “No.”

Brother-In-Law: “She–”

Husband: “No.”

Brother-In-Law: *pointing at me* “F*** YOU!”

Husband: *grabs his brother by the arm* “Well, that’s enough. You can come back when you can act like a decent human being. *takes the controller from him and pushes him out the door* “Goodbye.”

([Brother-In-Law] has come back since then, but he never stays long. It’s strange how our Wi-Fi always goes down when he comes over.)

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When Everything Tastes Like Chicken

, , , , | Related | October 16, 2019

(I get home after lunchtime and notice that there is some takeaway food in my kitchen and my husband’s annoying brother is there. He uses generic terms for just about everything and expects people to know what he’s talking about.)

Brother: “There’s some fish and chips left if you’re hungry.”

(I know that he nor my husband would never eat or buy fish, and that in the past he’s tried ridiculing me after I bought fish and chips because I should have known that he meant anything but fish when he said fish.)

Me: “Is there actually any fish?”

Brother: “What? No… Yuck, there’s chicken pieces.”

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Talk Like That Again And You’ll Have Cows To Pay

, , , , , | Romantic | September 24, 2019

(My husband and I like to rib each other. Most of our friends and family understand that we do this, even if they don’t understand why. One evening, my husband’s brother and his new girlfriend are over for dinner. We are all sitting outside at the picnic table while my husband grills.)

Husband: “Hey, [My Name], I forgot the basting brush.”

Me: *not moving* “That’s unfortunate.”

Husband: *smiling* “Can you go get it for me?”

Me: *taking a drink* “Uh-huh.”

Girlfriend: *looking between us* “Um… should I go get it?”

Me: “No, he hasn’t asked anyone to go get it.”

Husband:Please go get me the basting brush?”

Me: *dramatic sigh* “I guess I have to do everything around here.”

Husband: “If you did anything, that would be better than what you do now.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh!”

(I go inside to get the basting brush and come out to see my husband being verbally accosted by his brother’s girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “If [Brother-In-Law] ever talked to me like that, I’d be gone so fast, his head would spin! How dare you?!”

Brother-In-Law: “[Girlfriend], it’s fine.”

Girlfriend: “No, it’s not! How can you say that it’s okay?”

Brother-In-Law: “They’re just goofing around–”

Girlfriend: “Spousal abuse is not a joke!”

Husband: “What?!”

Me: “Oh, [Girlfriend], I really am fine. We’re just playing.”

Girlfriend: *comes to my side* “Don’t worry, [My Name]; you’re safe with me.” *puts her arm around my shoulder*

Me: “I’m safe with [Husband], too. We’re good. Really.”

Girlfriend: *looks at the three of us in turn* “You’re all totally fine with him talking like… like he owns her?”

Husband: “Well, I did give her father two cows and a dozen hens when I asked for her hand, so–”

Girlfriend: *steps forward again* “WHAT?!”

Me: “[Husband]!”

(It took a while longer to convince her that we really were just joking around and my husband wasn’t lazy or abusive. We also had to explain that no, my father did not exchange me for a bunch of farm animals.)

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How Best To Toy With Him

, , , , , , , | Related | September 20, 2019

(It’s my daughter’s birthday and we are having a small family party for her. My sister and her partner have come over. The partner is an overbearing, arrogant piece of s*** who expects everyone to work to his rules. After my daughter opens her gifts, he pulls me aside.)

Sister’s Partner: “We bought that–” *indicates toy* “–for [Daughter], with my money, so I don’t want [Daughter’s Best Friend] playing with it because I can’t stand that kid.”  

(If the toy had been of any interest to the kid I would have made sure she played with it. My daughter had no interest, either, and it soon went to charity.)

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