Getting Into A Pillow Fight

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My in-laws are visiting and my mother-in-law comments on my new purse, so I show it to her.)

Me: “You like it? I made it myself.”

Mother-In-Law: “Wow, that’s really nice! Where’d you get it?”

Husband: “Mom, she just told you that she made it.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh? All I caught was, ‘See my new purse.’”

(I fight the urge to roll my eyes because that is NOT what I just said. She looks over the purse then looks at me.)

Mother-In-Law: “Can you teach me to sew? I have a sewing machine, but I don’t have the book for it. It was secondhand and the person who gave it to me lost it, so I don’t know how it works.”

Me: “Sure, if you bring it over one day I’ll see what kind of machine it is and look up the manual online. We could probably find one for free or very cheap.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay. Then you can show me how to sew a purse like that, right?”

Me: *shakes head* “No, you should start with something simple, like a pillowcase or simple skirt, just to get the hang of it. This purse isn’t a beginner project, but we can find you a beginner’s purse pattern.”

Mother-In-Law: *scoffs* “If you can make it, how hard can it be?”

Husband: “That’s not very nice, Mom.”

Mother-In-Law: *feigning innocence* “What do you mean? She’s obviously new to this herself.”

Me: *calmly as possible* “No, I’m not. I’ve been sewing since I was 14 years old, and I am now 28, so I’ve been doing this for half my life. The pattern I used for this purse says that it is not recommended for beginners. After you have made a few simpler projects, I can help you make a purse like this in whatever fabric you like.”

Mother-In-Law: *sighs* “Well, I guess I could do that, then. Just let me know when you can teach me.”

(I don’t think I will have the time to teach her. Ever.)

Clutch This Present Close To Your Breast

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2018

(My wife and I are both women. One Christmas, my mother-in-law gives us new pillows for our couch. She made the covers herself. They’re African print, with bare-breasted women.)

Mother-In-Law: “Your grandma told me to do something with this fabric specifically for you.”

Me: *later, when we’re alone* “How much should we read into this fabric choice?”

Wife: “I’m… honestly not sure.”

Today Is A Good Day To Lie

, , , , , , , | Related | January 12, 2018

(My husband’s sister is obnoxious. She’s always better than you at just about everything, or thinks she knows more about a subject than you. Note that she is woman in her 30s, not a child, so it is in no way endearing. One day while visiting my in-laws, she’s there, and I mention to the nephews that I’m thinking of learning Klingon.)

Nephew #1: “Oh, cool! It’d be really awesome to be able to do that.”

Nephew #2: “You could put stuff on a t-shirt in Klingon and nobody would know what it said! It’d be so awesome!”

Sister-In-Law: *smugly* “I love Star Trek so much that I’m learning Klingon! It’s so easy that I’m nearly fluent!”

(I roll my eyes, knowing that she’s full of bull, but I decide to have a bit of fun with her.)

Me: “Then what’s a p’tak? I’ve heard it in several different series but never could figure out what it was.”

Sister-In-Law: *scoffs* “Oh, that’s an easy one! It means ‘friend.'”

(I cough to hide my laughter, as does my husband, because we know that it does NOT mean ‘friend.’ The nephews even shake their head at her in disbelief.)

Me: “Are you sure? I’d hate to accidentally insult someone by calling them a p’tak. I don’t think it means ‘friend.’”

Sister-In-Law: *snottily* “Yes, it means ‘friend.’ You must not be much of a fan if you think it means anything else.”

(In her arrogance, my sister-in-law smiled proudly at what she thought was the greatest compliment. Any casual Trek fan knows that ‘p’tak’ is an insult by the context in which it is used in the show.)

Sick Of Your Morning Sickness

, , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(My mother-in-law is pretty traditional and incredibly opinionated: marriage before intimacy, and so on. Sometimes she speaks her often ridiculous opinions before she processes the logistics. Before I was married, if had a stomach bug or anything it was always the same:)

Mother-In-Law: “There’s a bug going around; you’ll live.”

(Fast forward to my honeymoon. We’re gone seven days. On the flight back, my husband and I both start feeling a bit gross: nausea, stomach cramps, etc. We pop in to see my husband’s family when we get back.)

Mother-In-Law: “You must be pregnant.”

Me: “Yeah, no. And, anyway, [Husband] is sick, too. Is he pregnant?”

Mother-In-Law: *ignoring my comment* “Trust me; you’re definitely pregnant. Get a test.”

(She walked away, leaving me dumbstruck. She never jumped to this confusion before we were married. I mean, we lived together for six years. And by the way, we were both fine.)

Making Grand Plans For You

, , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(I find out I am pregnant. My fiancé is overjoyed because he is told the likelihood of him having children is very slim. We decide to have a small get-together with our immediate family to announce my pregnancy. Naturally, our families are excited and the usual question is asked.)

Husband’s Step-Dad: “So, do you want a boy or a girl?”

Me: “I think it’s a boy, but a girl would be fine.”

Husband: *snorts* “Yeah, ever since she found out she was pregnant, she’s been saying that she just knows it’s a boy.”

Mother-In-Law: *snottily* “Well, I think it’s going to be a girl. I need a granddaughter, because I already have two grandsons.” *pats my fiancé’s youngest nephew’s head*

(The room suddenly falls silent and everyone stares at her a moment before my dad changes the subject by asking if we have any ideas for names yet. Fast forward to my next ultrasound, where the tech asks if I’d like to know the sex. No surprise: it’s a boy. We call our mothers to tell them the news. I hear a shriek from my fiancé’s phone loud enough to drown out my mother and stare in shock as my fiancé holds his phone away from his ear while his mother screeches.)

Mother-In-Law: *obviously outraged* “There’s no way they can tell the sex right now! It’s too early! It’s got to be a girl!”

(My fiancé rolls his eyes and tells her that it’s definitely a boy because he saw the penis on the ultrasound and we had the photo to prove it. Fast forward several months to my baby shower:)

Aunt: “So, how long before you and [Fiancé] have another baby?”

(Before I can answer, my mother-in-law butts in.)

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, as soon as possible, so that I can have a granddaughter.”

(My aunt and a family friend exchange a look while two of my cousins whisper to each other, obviously not sure how to react to my mother-in-law’s rude behavior.)

Me: “Not likely. [Fiancé] and I have discussed it and have decided that we’re only having the one, because I don’t think I could handle the stress of more than one child.”

Aunt: *nods* “I can understand that. You don’t want to have more than you want or can care for, or you’ll resent them.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, if they space it out so that [Son]’s in school when they have the next one, I think she could handle it.” *to me* “You have to keep having babies until I get a granddaughter.”

(There’s a collective gasp of shock, followed by dirty looks cast at my mother-in-law, then sympathetic looks for me.)

Me: “No, [Mother-In-Law]. I’m not having any more children, and that’s the end of it.”

(Sadly, that was NOT the end of it; my son will be two in a couple of months and this crazy cow STILL keeps trying to tell my now-husband and me that we “need to give [her] a granddaughter.” Little does she know, my husband is getting “the snip” when he comes home from his deployment next year.)

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