CONTENT WARNING: Cancer

Our aunt has always seen herself as “the most important member of the family”. She’s the oldest child, and since grandma passed, she figured that made her the head of the family.

She calls my mom while I’m driving her to a hospital appointment. She puts the call on speakerphone.

Aunt: “Well?!”

Mom: “Hi, hi sis. Well… what?”

Aunt: “Don’t you know what day it is?!”

Mom: “Uh… Tuesday?”

Aunt: “It’s my birthday!”

Mom: “Oh, is today the 18^th?! I’m sorry, I forgot.”

Aunt: “Being forgetful is not an excuse!”

Mom: “Yes, but going through chemo is a good excuse for being forgetful.”

There is a long, tense silence.

Aunt: “Well… just send a card when you have time or something.” *Click.*

I got her the cheapest-a** card from a small store in the hospital while my mom did her chemo. I wrote in it for her, saying, “So sorry my chemotherapy appointment coincided with your birthday!”.

Mom is now almost through her remission, Aunty never bothered her for a birthday card again, and we’re expecting instead to have a cancer-free birthday celebration for my mom in a few months!

My aunt was taking me home after a post-surgery doctor’s appointment. We get to her, new to her, car. She unlocks the door with the key fob and opens her door.

I try my door. It’s still locked. 

She tries the fob again. My door is still locked. 

I tell her to press the unlock button on the door.

She presses the window button instead.

Me: “No. Above it.”

Again, she presses the window button.

Me: “No. The one ABOVE it.”

Aunt: “No, I have to do it from this!”

She tries the fob again. My door is still locked.

With a sigh, I walk to the driver’s side and press the door button on the door, and then I go back to the passenger side.

Et voilà. My door opens.

Aunt: “How did you do that?”

Me: “It’s a button that unlocks the door.”

I tell her, trying not to make her feel stupid.

To be fair, I probably should have mentioned the symbol of the unlocked lock on the button, but I’m not 100% certain she would have found it, even if I had.

I’m pregnant and at the ‘nicely rounded’ stage. My parents are visiting, and my aunt (mom’s sister) has tagged along.

Aunt: *Gasps.* “Is… is that a piercing? On your belly button?!”

Me: “Yes. I’ve had a navel piercing since I was eighteen.”

Aunt: “Shouldn’t you take out that piercing so it doesn’t affect the baby’s breathing?”

That sheer stupidity surprised me into an instinctive and undiplomatic response of:

Me: “My navel’s not a friggin’ snorkel.”

My dad snort-laughed, and my mom was quick to change the subject.

My five-year-old cousin is in the back seat of the car with my aunt (his mom) driving.

Cousin: “Can we get McDonald’s on the way home?”

Aunt: “Yes, if you can spell McDonald’s.”

About five seconds later he says:

Cousin: “Uh… Can we get KFC instead?”

The family is gathered for Sunday dinner.

Aunt: “Did you hear about [Cousin]?!”

Mom: “You mean him and his husband adopting their little boy?”

Aunt: “Don’t say husband! The Supreme Court is going to overturn that any day now!”

Mom: *Sighs.* “Well, anyway, yes, I heard. We’re going to visit next month and meet the little guy.”

Aunt: “Gay people shouldn’t be adopting kids!”

Mom: “Then straight people shouldn’t be giving them away.”

Aunt: *Opens her mouth to retort, but then realizes she’s got nothing.*

Me: “Want some more ice for your lemonade, aunty?”

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Needs To Adopt A Better Attitude