It’s Ap-parent That You’re An Idiot

, , , , , | Friendly | February 19, 2021

We took our eldest to a wedding when she is quite young. A friend of the bride is talking to us throughout the evening; she is a bit grating. She keeps making comments about the blankets we use, the way we hold our daughter, etc. Clearly, she has no idea what she is talking about; half of it is outdated old wives’ tales and the other half just don’t make sense.

We keep polite, and my wife starts to entertain our daughter with some phonics-styled reading books.

Guest: “I don’t believe in phonics.”

Me: “Oh, really?”

Guest: “Yeah, it doesn’t work.”

Wife: “Oh? We teach with it, and the children seem to really take to it well.”

Me: “Yeah, [Daughter] is learning really quickly using it.”

Guest: “It just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, it seems wrong; that’s not how the letters work. If I were you, I would chuck that book right now.”

Me: “Do you have children yourself?”

Guest: “Well, no.”

Me: “Any experience in child development or teaching in early years?”

Guest: “Well, no, but—”

Me: “But nothing. We know how to raise a child and we know how to teach a child. You do not, so please, just no more.”

She sneers at me and stands to leave.

Guest: “I was only trying to help.”

There is nothing like parenting advice from a non-parent with an opinion.

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Um… What?

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2020

I’m one of the groomsmen in my buddy’s wedding this weekend, and today I went to pick up my tuxedo from the rental store. There were no issues, everything fit perfectly, and I had already paid in full during the initial fitting a month ago. I’ve got a somewhat unusual body shape; I’m six feet tall, but most of my height is my torso. During the fitting, I had the same pant length as one of the other groomsmen, who is significantly shorter than me.

A half-hour later, the best man texts me to remind me to pick up my tux. I tell him that I already did, and he says that he is at the store and was told I haven’t been in to pick it up yet. Confused, I call the store.

Employee: “Hello, this is [Rental Store]; how can I help you?”

Me: “Hey, I was just in and picked up my tux. It was under [My Name]. But my buddy [Best Man] was told I haven’t picked it up yet, and I just wanted to make sure everything was kosher.”

Employee: “Someone else got your tuxedo?”

Me: “No, I got my tuxedo, but I guess someone told him I hadn’t?”

Employee: “So you got someone else’s tuxedo?”

Me: “No, it’s mine. It fits fine, and the colors are right. I doubt it’d fit anyone else, anyway.”

Employee: “So… what did you want me to do?”

Me: *Pause* “I’ve just realized how pointless this call is.”

The employee had a good laugh, I apologized profusely, and now I can never rent a suit from that store again without feeling profoundly embarrassed.

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Junior Maid Still Causing Major Problems

, , , , | Related | CREDIT: msfinch87 | November 30, 2020

I am the OP of Junior Maid Causing Major Problems.

My sister-in-law is still causing issues with my wedding, through her demands for her daughter, who at the time of this story is still set to be one of my bridesmaids. I would uninvite her myself and have been harsher earlier, but she is my partner’s only living close adult relative and it’s important to me that I look after him and that he’s happy, so I’m happy to take on the burden of dealing with issues and to make sacrifices – to a point.

I did not want traditional bridesmaids so I had told everyone that they could choose a dress they really wanted, pursuant to coordinating it with me so it was appropriate and they all worked together. I was also happy to pay for the outfits because I really don’t like the expectation that people participate in a wedding pursuant to my requirements and have to spend their own money to do so, especially when it’s an expensive wedding.

I said three things: no navy, no one shoulder, no splits. Sister-In-law (also a bridesmaid), without checking with me, went and bought herself a one-shoulder navy dress with a side split. It clashed with my sister’s dress (the actual Maid of Honour), and the junior bridesmaid dresses.

My mother, sister and I spent hours and hours reorganising the other dresses to make it work, not just to match her, but because she looked like the d*** Maid of Honour instead of my sister. We also pissed thousands of dollars up against a wall doing this.

I was petrified that if I told her not to wear that dress she would do it just to spite me, and we decided to keep my sister’s new dress private so she couldn’t get something else to upstage her again.

I am lucky because we are in a financial position to do this (we’re not zillionaires but we both have well-paying jobs and investments), but I certainly resented it and that is not something that is usually possible for people. I’m tempted now to send her a bill.

Related:
Junior Maid Causing Major Problems

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His Chances Of Getting Another Drink Are Shot

, , , , , | Right | November 19, 2020

I’m bartending a very busy wedding. A big guy who has been taking full advantage of the open bar all night — and being a pain the whole time — staggers up.

Customer: “Shot. Now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m not comfortable serving you anymore.”

Customer: “C’mon, just one more.”

Me: “No. I’m legally liable for anything you do. You’re already pretty drunk.”

Customer: “I’m a cop! You won’t get in trouble, I promise!”

Me: “Absolutely not.”

Customer: *Getting teary* “Please, my wife has been cheating on me and I just need more shots.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but I cannot serve you.”

Customer: “ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?! THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! GIVE ME A SHOT! NOW!

Me: “I’ll get you my manager.”

As my manager talks to him, a bridesmaid comes up to me and whispers:

Bridesmaid: “Good job not serving him. He’s not even a cop anymore; he got fired last year.”

He ended up getting kicked out, and then he was arrested for trying to beat up his wife in the parking lot when she wanted to drive home because she was sober.

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Shut Up And Dance With Me

, , , , | Friendly | November 9, 2020

One of my older cousins gets married when I’m about eleven years old. At the reception, I want to go on the dance floor but need a partner for the song that’s playing, so I seek out a boy who looks my age, even though I’ve never met him before.

Me: “Hey, do you wanna dance?”

Boy: “No.”

While I’m initially disappointed, one of the men on the groom’s side of the family saw the rejection and offers to dance with me, instead.

I get tired a few dances later and come off the dance floor. The boy comes up to me again.

Boy: “Hey, uh, do you have a crush on me?”

Me: “No. I just wanted to dance.”

Boy: “Oh.”

Take note: if someone asks you to dance, maybe they just want to dance!

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