Romanti-cooties: You Heard Of Them Here First

, , , , | Related | March 9, 2018

(At a wedding reception, I am seated next to my niece. She is telling me about the dangers of cooties from boys.)

Me: “But Uncle [My Husband] told me that girls are the ones with cooties!”

Niece: “Girls have cooties, too, but boy cooties and girl cooties don’t mix. That’s why boys and girls can’t kiss.”

Me: “What about me and Uncle [My Husband]? We kiss.”

(My niece sits in thought for a few moments before replying.)

Niece: “Well, that’s okay, because when you get married your cooties become romanti-cooties and they get along.”

O Holy Gifts

, , , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2018

(My mom’s college friend is Irish Catholic, but her husband isn’t. This is during her wedding.)

Priest: “Can you bring up the gifts up after the intercession prayer?”

Husband: “Sure.”

(After the intercessory prayer, the husband brought up the wedding gifts! “Gifts” in the Catholic Church means the chalice and water!)

You Have To Have A Lot Of Bottle To Act Like That

, , , , | Working | November 15, 2017

(I’m the bride in this story. For our reception we have purchased and provided all of the alcohol, in order to have an open bar, and hired a bartender to serve it. Because we purchased it, the alcohol is ours to do with as we please, and that means taking home any left over at the end of the night. Partway through the reception, I decide to change out of my wedding dress into something simpler — still a fancy white dress, just shorter and easier to dance in. My hair is still all done up, etc. Near the end of the night I approach the bar and order a drink, and I decide to see how our stock is doing since we were unsure how much to buy to accommodate the length of the event and our large guest list.)

Me: “So, how are things going? How much rum and vodka are left? Did we go through all the wine?”

Bartender: *giving me a once-over with a look of disdain on her face* “You do not need to know how much alcohol there is. It’s not your concern.”

(I am stunned but don’t want to have any drama on my wedding night, so I just shrug and go back to the party. At the end of the night there are just a few of us cleaning up, and one of my cousins comments on how much he loves one of the wines we were serving.)

Me: *handing my cousin an unopened bottle of the wine* “Here, take this bottle, then; there’s some left over and we don’t need it all!”

Cousin: “Thanks!”

(He takes it, only for the bartender to snatch it back and tell him he can’t just take leftover alcohol. I am a bit annoyed at this point.)

Me: “Actually, all of the alcohol was paid for and supplied by us, so if I want to give him this bottle to take home, I will.”

(The bartender sort of froze and stared at me before one of her coworkers pulled her away. She ended up apologizing profusely to me; apparently she didn’t recognize me out of my wedding dress. She thought I was a guest fishing around for alcohol to take home, despite the fact that she met with us more than once prior to the wedding and I was still in a fancy white dress!)

One More Round Of Rudeness

, , , , , | Right | October 28, 2017

(I am at my sister’s wedding and the venue has done a really good job. Everyone has had a great time and most of us are pretty drunk. There’s only a few still left at the end of the night, including my siblings, my dad, and me. The staff are just starting to tidy up, as the party has wound down and it’s late. My dad decides to try and get a last round of drinks in before we all go to bed. Unfortunately, he can be more than a little rude when he doesn’t get what he wants.)

Dad: “Hi, can I get three beers, three gin and tonics, and four whiskeys?”

Bar Staff: “I’m sorry, sir; we’ve closed out the register for the night. We can’t sell anymore.”

Dad: “Don’t give me that! We’ve all spent a huge amount of money at this wedding today, and all we’re asking for is one last round.”

Bar Staff: “I understand, but the register is now shut down for the night, the money has been taken out, and the credit card reader has been shut down for the day’s business.”

Me: “It’s okay, bud; we understand.”

Dad: “No! It’s not okay! I’m asking politely—” *he’s not* “—for another round, after we’ve spent all this money today, feeding their wages.”

Me: “Dad, they’ve closed the register for the day, which means they physically can’t sell anymore until they open it again tomorrow. It keeps the day’s takings straight and separates business days. See?”

Dad: “I don’t care about any of that. We’ve spent so much money!”

(This goes round and round a few times. The bar manager gets involved and the whole exchange repeats itself. Eventually my dad decides to stagger off to bed.)

Dad: “I’m going to see that you get a bad review on [Video Website]. Yeah, you’ll get a bad review on [Video Website].”

(I think he meant [Review Website].)

Me: “Sorry about that, guys. Don’t listen to him; he’s pretty drunk. Listen, you guys did a great job. Everybody had a great time and you didn’t miss a beat. So, thank you!”

Bar Manager: “Thanks for saying that. We’re not allowed to sell anymore, so how about a round on the house?”

(It pays to be nice!)

Pogo Bounce Out Of That Marriage

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2017

I’m the lead singer in a metal band that does both original songs and covers. When my brother got engaged, his bridezilla fiancée asked my band to perform at the wedding. At some point she realized that they were going over budget, so her solution to cut back on costs was to tell us at the very last minute that she expected us to work for free because I was family and therefore “obligated,” even though we had already agreed to work at a discount because we were playing for a family event. I was furious, and the only reason we didn’t cancel was because it would have been too late for them to find a replacement and I love my brother and didn’t want to ruin his wedding.

Between her refusal to pay us, her constant treating of my brother and our family members like crap, her refusal to make me a bridesmaid solely on the grounds that I wasn’t “pretty enough”, meaning I’m tomboyish, and several underhanded insults she levied at one of my bandmates for being a transman, we were all very displeased with her come the morning of the wedding. She was either oblivious to our displeasure, or she just didn’t care.

While we were setting up, an hour before we were supposed to play, the bride came up to us, stood in our way, and suddenly announced that she didn’t like our chosen set because it wasn’t “romantic enough,” even though she and my brother both approved of it in advance. She was apparently under the impression that musicians can learn songs on the fly without practice or having ever performed them before, and asked us to play the Celine Dion song from Titanic, to which our drummer replied, “You realize we’re a f****** metal band, right?”

Our bass guitarist suddenly had a light-bulb moment and told her that he knew a love song we could play for her. She got excited and told us to play that one first. When she walked away and he told us what song he had in mind, we all agreed it was a great idea.

When it came time for our set to start, we opened up with a cover of “Bounce” by System of a Down, which is technically a love song. I don’t think I ever saw my brother’s fiancée run so fast, in heels, and my brother was dying of laughter.

After the wedding, we found out my brother didn’t even know that she had decided not to pay us, and he made sure we got paid, even though his new wife insisted that we didn’t even deserve it for ruining her wedding with our stunt.

They got divorced just two months later, because it turns out that when you marry someone who’s controlling and abusive, they don’t stop being controlling and abusive. No one was really surprised at the divorce, and my brother cited our spontaneous song choice as his only good memory of the wedding, anyway.

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