Got The Deaths And Marriages Parts Covered

, , , , , , | Right | July 31, 2021

It is 2014, and same-sex marriage has been legalised in England, so my fiancé and I are planning our wedding despite having little money and, to be honest, even less of an idea of what we’re doing. I have been given a card with the number I have to call to book our ceremony at the registry office.

I have ADP — auditory processing disorder — so I struggle to hear properly on the phone, so when I don’t hear the answer of the man who answered, I just assume he introduced the registry office and immediately say.

Me: “Hello. I need to book a wedding, please.”

There is a pause.

Man: “I’m sorry?”

Nervous, I start to ramble.

Me: “I was given a card with this number on it? To book our wedding, I mean. And, um, they said they couldn’t do it in person, I had to call, and—”

Man: “Whoa, hold on. You’ve got the wrong number.”

This doesn’t quite sink in at first and I pause.

Me: “I have?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

That’s a stupid question, I know.

Man: “Very sure, mate, yeah.”

Me: “Oh. Um, where have I called?”

Man: “[Hometown] crematorium.”

Me: “Oh. Oh. No, that is definitely not where I wanted to call!”

I start laughing, which sets the man on the phone off, too. For a few moments, neither of us can get anything coherent out. Eventually, I get the card back out and read the local number back to him; it’s definitely correct. He starts to say something when I suddenly yell:

Me: “OH! Oh, I am an idiot!”

Man: “Nah, no, it can’t be you. You’re not the first; we’ve had a few people call about weddings!”

Me: “No, no, it’s me. I put in the wrong area code!”

The area code for a nearby town — who I actually needed to call — was very similar to the area code of my town! The man was glad to have that mystery solved, and I have been amused since then at having called the crematorium of all places to try and book my wedding.

And if you were curious, yes, we did somehow manage to pull the wedding together, minus cremations, and remain happily married to this day.

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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Plague

, , , , , | Right | CREDIT: SeaworthinessTrue988 | June 23, 2021

I work at a town hall, one of my tasks is issuing marriage licenses when health crisis restrictions ease up as they have.

Today, I have an appointment to issue a license. I grab my mask, sanitize my hands, grab the different documents, and head down to one of our rooms that’s big enough to have people standing six feet apart. Since the town hall’s doors are locked to avoid walk-ins, I have to meet them at the door. The woman has no mask; when I ask her to wear one, she says she is exempt, showing me a screenshot of a US exemption; we’re in Canada. We’re not allowed to ask for proof, so I just deal with it and pretend like she never showed me. I ask her to sanitize her hands. Again, she refuses.

Our process for a marriage license is to have them bring their application, any prior divorce or death certificates, and IDs. I ask if her partner is going to show up and she says yes, so we wait for about ten minutes. This puts the appointment a little late; we have thirty minutes for each appointment, and I have one in another room right after.

The woman’s partner arrives, we exchange pleasantries, and we get started. I’ve already checked their IDs and application by email, so I quickly recheck and write the info down. From there I get into the health-crisis-related questions.

Me: “1. Where is your wedding being held?”

Woman: “Inside the church at [Street].”

No big deal; we still allow church weddings if the group is smaller than ten people.

Me: “2. Will you be having a reception? If yes, where?”

Woman: “Yes, at [Banquet Hall].”

Red flags are sailing, so I ask the third question.

Me: “3. How big is the group attending?”

Woman: *All giddy* “Well, for my group there are about ninety-three guests, and on his side, there will be eighty or so. We have more coming to the reception. I think in total there will be 200 people or so.

I look up at her from the license. I look to the guy and then back at her.

Me: “I can’t issue a license for a gathering that large. Indoor gatherings must have fewer than ten people, including the couple and the officiant. Outdoor gatherings can have up to thirty, including the couple and officiant.”

The woman immediately flips out.

Woman: “You’re infringing my right to get married! [Health Crisis] is just a scam. It has a 99.9% survival rate! I should be allowed to get married! I’ve been planning this for three months and already paid for all the food and everything!”

I try to deescalate, telling her I can’t give her the license because it’s against the law. I hand her a pamphlet with [Health Crisis]-safe marriage information and start to walk them out. She’s still throwing a tantrum. She demands to speak to my manager, so I call her down.

My manager was already busy dealing with other stuff, so she isn’t in the best mood. The woman says I was belligerent, called her names, didn’t accept she wouldn’t wear a mask, etc.

Manager: “Well, why don’t I pull up the footage and we can take a look?”

The woman flips out even more, saying the same stuff as before. My manager is done with this.

Manager: “No clerk in [City] will issue a marriage license in this situation because it is against the law. We need to write down how many people will be at the celebration. You then have to post the green paper outside the venue and an officer may or may not drop in. If we are found to have issued a license and there are more people present, you will be fined. The clerk will no longer be able to give licenses and we will be in a lot of trouble. As you told the clerk, you have only planned this for three months. That means you’ve had enough time to know it’s a health crisis. Because of your attitude to my clerk, we will no longer be accepting any appointments for you or your partner. As far as I’m concerned, you are banned.”

She then took the application, stamped “Rejected” on it, and took it with her.

We ended up having to call security to escort them out of the building. Oh, and as for her partner, he did nothing. He literally sat in the chair and did nothing. But at least he wore a mask.

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Getting To The Meat Of Your Problems

, , , , | Romantic | June 22, 2021

My girlfriend and I are attending the wedding of one of her friends. When it gets to dinner, I’m served chicken.

Me: “Err, when you ordered the meals, did you get me a vegetarian one?”

Girlfriend: “Yes… No. I don’t remember. Can’t you just eat it?”

Me: “You know I don’t eat meat. I’m going to ask for something different.”

Girlfriend: “I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal out of this.”

Me: “I’m not discussing this with you now.”

I managed to get hold of a waiter, only to find out that only a certain number of vegetarian meals were made and there were none left. So, for dinner, I had a slice of tomato and five green beans. My girlfriend blamed me.

We aren’t together anymore.

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Or, The One That Made Her Own Choice

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2021

I overhear the following conversation between a sullen-looking man and a bartender at a rather large wedding.

Bartender: “You doing all right? You seem pretty down. Anything I can get you?”

Man: “I’ll take a [scotch]. Just saw the ‘one that got away’ and it hit me like a punch to the gut.”

Bartender: “That’s rough. What does she look like? I’ll keep an eye out and give you a heads up if she heads this way.”

Man: “She’s the one in white.”

At that point, the bartender just turned his single into a double and didn’t say a word.

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SO Not The Time

, , , , , | Friendly | May 26, 2021

I am attending the wedding of a friend, the bride. During the reception, her mother comes up to me.

Bride’s Mother: “Having a good time?”

Me: “Oh, yes.”

Bride’s Mother: *Leaning over* “You know, I kind of wish it was you up there, instead of the groom.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

She then got called off on mother-of-the-bride business, so I never got her to elaborate. The thing is, I had never dated the bride, and I’d only met her mother once. To add insult to injury, I’d always harbored a secret crush on the bride.

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