Sounds Like Someone Needs A Little-Voice Transplant

, , , , , , | Related | June 16, 2020

I come from a large family, and we don’t get together very often. A table-full of us are gathered at a nephew’s wedding.

[Brother #4], who is not present, as it happens, is famous — notorious, actually — in our extended clan for being an adrenaline junkie with poor decision-making skills.

Seriously — about twenty years ago, as a result of a miscalculation on a bungee jump, he was featured on an episode of the Discovery Channel show called “Real Life Medical Miracles.” For his fortieth birthday, he told his wife he wanted to try cage boxing.

One of us is telling a long and complicated story about him, three dogs, and a skunk, and a niece is shaking her head in disbelief.

Me: “It’s true. You know that little voice that we all have in the back of our brains? The one that tells you not to do dumb stuff like stick a fork in the wall socket?”

Niece: “Are you saying Uncle [Brother #4] doesn’t listen to his little voice?”

Me: “I’m saying his little voice was dropped on its head as a child.”

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Unfiltered Story #195017

, , , , | Unfiltered | May 30, 2020

I play violin at various events, most often weddings. I get most of my clients by responding to requests posted online. This email conversation is just one of several similar responses I receive when replying to ads in the gigs section of a popular classifieds site.

Me: [Typical opening pitch].

Response: [My name], thanks so much for the response. We did get the gig filled, but I have referred your name to my daughter’s wedding planner.

Here’s what I don’t understand: why are you paying a wedding planner and also posting ads for musicians and who knows what else for a wedding that is only two weeks away? Has your wedding planner failed to find someone in the time you have been working with them and so you are now having to plan the wedding yourself? Isn’t the point of hiring a wedding planner to let them plan the wedding so you don’t have to? Either the wedding planner is scamming you, or you are not allowing them to do the job you hired them to do.

Well, It’s Certainly Memorable

, , , , , | Working | May 26, 2020

I am getting married and looking into videography. My budget is minuscule, so I ask a coworker for a quote because I know she has equipment and does this type of work on the side. She quotes me $400 for an edited highlight video including ceremony, speeches, and dances. A week later…

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], did you decide if you wanted to have me tape your wedding?”

Me: “Oh! I almost forgot. Your quote was more than reasonable, but I don’t think we’re going to be able to swing a videographer at all. Thank you, though!”

I go back to work. Later, I see her with her head together with my boss. The two approach me.

Boss: “Are you really not hiring a videographer?”

Me: “Yeah. I just don’t think we can afford it since we went with the more expensive photographer.”

Boss: “Well, I don’t find that acceptable. It’s really important to have a video! I watch mine every year on my anniversary. So, I’m going to hire [Coworker] for you.”

Me: “Wait, what?”

Boss: “Consider it a wedding gift.”

Me: “Thank you so much!” 

Cue the group hug.

As my wedding approaches, I try to plan details with my coworker. She ends up no-showing to my rehearsal, which is concerning, but the day of my wedding she shows up ready to go. I see her record the entire day on two separate cameras.

Two months later, I send her a message. 

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]! I’m so excited to see my wedding video! No rush, but our dating anniversary is coming up in two months, and I was wondering if I might have video by then? I know we didn’t really discuss a timeframe.”

Coworker: “Oh, you’ll have it in plenty of time!”

Two months later, a week before our dating anniversary, I ask for it again.

Coworker: “I can probably get you the ceremony footage by then, but the reception needs more work.”

She sends me the ceremony footage a week after my dating anniversary. It’s nothing special but a great memento nonetheless and I thank her. I decide to be patient for the remaining footage. 

Come Christmas, seven months after my wedding, I ask her again.

Me: “How’s the footage coming?”

Coworker: “Well, you didn’t tell me your sister was supposed to sing, so I don’t know how good the audio is going to be.”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t know there was a quality issue. That’s okay. I can get her to record a track; maybe we could overlay it or something.”

Coworker: “That might work.”

Me: “Okay, let me know.”

Three months later:

Me: “Any updates on my video? I can get a track from my sister. I’d love to have it for my one-year anniversary in a couple of months.”

Coworker: “The server it was on crashed and I lost all my work in progress so I have to start editing all over. It’ll be done in time.”

My husband and I go on a trip for our anniversary. Despite constant reminders to her, when we get back, there’s no sign of it. There are lots of “next week” and “tomorrow” conversations before I’m fed up.

Me: “We really need to talk. My wedding was well over a year ago. Why don’t I have my footage? Is it really bad and you’re ashamed to show it to me? Did [Boss] not pay you? Whatever it is, I’m happy to help figure it out! I just need you to communicate with me!”

Coworker: “It got deleted from the servers again. I have the memory cards but I’ll have to start over. [Boss] only paid me for the ceremony so I’m doing this for you as a favor.”

This whole time, my boss has been asking to see my video and pushing me to get it from my coworker, so I clue her in on the conversation.

Boss: “That’s a lie! I paid her $600!”

What follows is a big mess in a group chat. [Boss] claims to have paid her $600 cash. She shows a screenshot of a bank statement with a $500 cash withdrawal about a month before my wedding and says she had another $100 on her at the time.

[Coworker] claims to have been paid by check, either $150 or $200; she doesn’t “remember.” [Boss] claims not to even have checks. [Coworker] then shows a screenshot of her bank statement, showing two deposits for $300 a couple of days apart, but still claiming that she doesn’t “think” she got more than $200.

I’m confused because the original quote I received was for $400. [Boss] claims she paid extra because she wanted me to have more than just highlights which was what I got quoted for. [Coworker] claims [Boss] only hired her for the ceremony and she’s doing this out of the goodness of her heart.

I chime in the group chat.

Me: “[Coworker], if you were underpaid, I’m happy to pay you more! I just want my footage. I don’t even want you to edit it anymore; I just want the raw footage.”

Coworker: “It’s not about the money! I’m just a procrastinator. I have to look for the memory cards. It’s not on the one that I thought it was. You’ll have it Monday.”

We play the “next week” and “tomorrow” game for two more weeks.

Me: “I’m done! At this point, I have to assume you lost it and just don’t want to tell me.”

Coworker: “It’s on a memory card that’s the size of my pinky nail.”

Me: “I, like you, am a photographer. I know how big a memory card is! Do you really keep them in that many different places?”

Coworker: “Well, you know my car was totaled back in March. The memory card was probably in my purse and fell out and I missed it when I was cleaning.”

Me: “That was ten months after my wedding. It wasn’t backed up?”

Coworker: “I’m still looking; there are a lot of files to go through!”

She never admitted to completely losing it. She repeated her car accident sob story to mutual friends and continued to reiterate that a memory card is the size of a pinky nail. Zero apologies. 

My boss flipped and demanded her money back. Even though [Coworker] only claimed to have been paid $200, she refunded “half” to my boss, which was $300. I ended up with nothing from my reception, not even a crappy cell phone video of my sister singing for my first dance with my husband. I guess I’m lucky to have gotten the ceremony footage at all.

I have not spoken one word to this girl since. It helps that we don’t work together anymore, but we still have a lot of mutual friends. Moral: do not hire friends and always get it in writing.

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Further Evidence That Moms Shouldn’t Be Involved In Your Wedding Night

, , , , , , , | Related | May 2, 2020

My mother and I have always had a troubled relationship, but after my mother had a period of ill health, on the run up to our wedding, my now-husband and I — also male — tried to patch things up.

My mother doesn’t know what it is to be poor; her parents had a decent amount of money — not rich, but definitely comfortable — and while she’s a complete penny pincher I never had the impression as a child that she was struggling or tightening her belt.

My husband and I, however, were poor. Dirt poor. We barely scraped by on benefits for several years due to my being disabled and my husband being my carer. So, our wedding was as cheap and DIY as we could make it while still feeling like an “occasion.”

My mother offered to buy flowers — actually, insisted, despite us not wanting them due to my husband’s hay fever — but much more appreciated was her offer to pay for a hotel room for the wedding night. Our best couple of friends were taking us for a single-day honeymoon, so that was nice! We still had to get home to drop off our wedding stuff and pick up our stuff for the next day before going to the hotel, but as we lived in a shared house, it helped the whole thing feel like one event.

My mother asked us which hotel we wanted; there was one literally two minutes walk from us, and one in the town centre, which involved our best friends picking us up and taking us there as we didn’t drive. We knew nothing about either and were going frantic with getting everything done, so I asked her to look into them and give us some information. She came back and said she went for the one in the town centre “because it was ten pounds cheaper.”

As it turned out, the one near us was much quieter, had a four-star rating, and had breakfast included. It would have allowed us to drop back home that much easier. Instead, we had to pay out of pocket for breakfast, listen to loud drunks passing through the town or drinking at bars, and had a far smaller room, and of course, we couldn’t get home easily.

It feels petty to complain about it; she still paid for the room for us. But I’m still a little bitter that she just looked at the price tag and, despite being very comfortable, financially, and never helping us out in that regard, took the worse option for ten freakin’ pounds less, leaving us to spend money we hadn’t accounted for in order to have breakfast in the morning.

By the way, we’re doing much better now. I’m self-employed and my husband and I have a great relationship. And as this story is really the tiny tip of the iceberg, I’m no longer in contact with my mother.

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The Poo-ncess Bride

, , , , , , | Right | April 28, 2020

I work in a bridal salon. I answer the phone.

Me: “Good afternoon, [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

The maid of honor of a wedding due to take place today is screaming down the line.

Maid Of Honor: “THERE’S S*** ON THE DRESS!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Maid Of Honor: “THERE’S S*** ON THE DRESS!”

She starts laughing. She sounds a little tipsy. I am thinking “s***” just means there’s something like dirt there and they’re mad.

Me: “Okay, so, the dress is dirty?”

Maid Of Honor: “YEAH. WAIT, HERE’S THE BRIDE!”

Bride: *Crying and yelling* “THERE’S S*** ON MY DRESS!”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand you’re upset, but I need you to take a deep breath for me and calm down because I cannot understand what you’re saying. There’s actually fecal matter on the dress?”

Bride: “Okay.” *Still crying* “YES!”

Me: “Okay. When is the wedding? Maybe you can come in and we can see what alterations can do for you.”

Bride: “I’M WALKING DOWN THE AISLE IN FIFTEEN MINUTES! FIFTEEN MINUTES!”

Me: “Oh, God. Okay, what material is the dress and where is it? I’ll ask alts and see what we can do over the phone. They might be able to talk you through cleaning it off.”

Bride: “I DON’T KNOWWWW!”

The bride gives the phone to the maid of honor.

Me: “Okay, hi. I know we gotta do this fast. Do you know where it is and what the dress is made out of? I’ll see if we can walk you guys through cleaning it.”

Maid Of Honor: “I don’t know what it’s made out of, but she s*** herself!”

Me: *Pause* “Seriously? Okay, I’m gonna go back to alterations and have them pick up. While I tell them what’s going on, see what cleaning supplies you have on hand to work with.”

I walked back to alterations trying to keep from laughing. The whole time, I thought it was from outside pictures or something, and a dog or bird did it, not her. I explained the situation to the head of alts and her jaw dropped. I found out later that alterations was able to help, as I spent the next hour hiding in the back and laughing. I’ve heard of being nervous, but this was a whole other level!

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