Didn’t Go Eggsactly According To Plan

, , , , , , , | Related | April 11, 2021

This happened back in the 1980s, when I was a young teen. My friend had told me of a great April Fool’s joke which involved soaking an egg in vinegar for about a day, to the point that the shell would go soft. Handling the egg, I was told, was really weird. As we always had boiled eggs for breakfast, I thought that would be a brilliant gag to play on Mum.

I shelled out for some vinegar — it didn’t seem right to waste Mum’s supply — and put it in a sealed box in my bedroom. The night before, I took it out, and my friend was absolutely right; it really did go squishy without cracking! So, I snuck it downstairs and put it with the eggs ready for the morning.

And what happened? Mum managed to avoid picking up that egg! In retrospegged, I should have made sure there were only enough eggs for breakfast and no spares, something which Mum did also say when I pointed out the egg she didn’t use.

But I really did want to do that gag, so I filed it away for future use, to maybe hatch this plot another day.

Several years later, I decided it was time to have another go. Whilst I could remember most of the details, what I couldn’t remember was the length of time required for soaking. As the Internet was not yet available, I had to go by memory. But as it transpired, my memory was not all it was cracked up to be. Instead of doing it for about a day, I soaked the egg for about three. 

When I came to take it out of the box, the shell had completely dissolved. The egg was held together by the membrane, and osmosis must have caused the egg to swell to the point of nearly bursting. No point in doing the joke now. But the egg looked so amazing, I had to show it!

You’d eggspect me to carry the egg down in the box to show my parents, but that would be far too sensible. Instead, I lifted it out of the box and placed it on the lid, and used it like a tray. And I did manage to carry it down the stairs and into the lounge without any trouble.

At this point, I’d like to introduce you to the lid. My parents always bought margarine in catering-sized plastic containers and always kept them as they were of good sturdy quality. The lids were also good quality and could withstand being pulled off the box repeatedly. This meant that they could flex. Also, as they were moulded plastic, they had the remnants of a small sprue, where the plastic was injected into the mould during manufacture. 

As I carried this makeshift tray and fragile load into the lounge, my grip must have changed slightly, as the lid flexed. This caused the egg to roll onto this oh-so-small but oh-so-significant sprue, where the egg promptly burst. And as to where the remnants of this hen grenade went? They flowed off the lid and straight down the armchair where my dad was sat!

I apologised profusely and helped dad clean up the mess I’d made. Fortunately, the cleaning was thorough enough, as there were no lingering odours.

Did I try this prank ever again? No way; I’d had un oeuf!

1 Thumbs

If Only, Ma’am, If Only

, , , , , , , | Working | April 10, 2021

I work at a big store in the gardening section. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds because I’ve recently had shoulder surgery. There’s one coworker that no one likes because he doesn’t do anything and is rude to his coworkers.

Old Lady: “Excuse me, dear. Can you help me with these cement blocks?”

Me: “I can certainly get one of my coworkers to help you. [Rude Coworker]—”

Rude Coworker: “No. Don’t even think about it. You do it yourself. You’re just being lazy.”

Old Lady: “Young man, if you were my grandson, I’d put you over my knee and smack your butt until it bled!”

Trying not to laugh, I found another coworker to help the old woman, and she did it without complaint. I later heard that the old woman did complain to a supervisor and my coworker was written up for his laziness and rudeness.

1 Thumbs

Learn Not To Fear The Boop

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2021

It’s the day after a windstorm and a tree has decided to fall on my roof. After all the limbs are removed, there’s a hole that needs to be covered until roofers can come to repair it. I go to the local hardware store for a cover of some sort.

The hole is rather large, so even the biggest tarp they have won’t do. Instead, I find a roll of 20×100 plastic, and I also get various nails and wood strips to help hold it down.

When I get to the register, there are two other people in front of me. The first has a dozen items and the next has one small bag of screws. The cashier there is one that I have seen many times; she’s always smiling, usually recognizes me, and greets people cheerfully. She starts scanning the first customer’s items.

Every item gets a beep until the last item, a trowel… boop! A misread. She tries again… boop! She smooths the label really good… boop! She tries to find the trowel in the inventory and has no luck, so she calls over a manager.

The manager tries everything again and still has no luck.

Manager: *To the customer* “You can pay for your other items and leave.”

I think the cashier looks a little annoyed; she went to all this trouble and then didn’t sell it. The next customer steps up with their small bag of maybe four screws.

The cashier scans the bag… boop! She tries again… boop! She smooths the label really good… boop! She tries to find the screws in inventory and has no luck, so she calls over a manager. 

The manager tries everything again… no luck. They call hardware and after a couple of minutes are delivered a second baggie of the original screws and another baggie of different screws. The original item still doesn’t scan, but the different screws scan okay. The man pays.

The cashier sighs; I guess seven minutes for a thirty-two-cent sale can be a bit annoying.

By now, because of all the extra time taken to check out these two people, there are a few people behind me, and this is the “builders” line; they all have a large number of items and are starting to look impatient.

The cashier starts with my items. She asks me about the plastic and I tell her about the house as she checks me out.

Bottle of water… beep. Three bundles of wood strips, beep, beep, beep. Box of nails, beep. Finally, the LARGE, HEAVY roll of plastic sheeting! She drags it over to the scanner, and… boop!

The cashier’s eyes widen a bit. She snatches the bottle of water back up and scans it again — beep.

She totals the transaction, looks at me, and says with smile:

Cashier: “That’ll be $13.30.”

Me: “But that roll is like fifty dollars!”

She GLARES at me, BARES HER TEETH, and growls:

Cashier: “The total is $13.30!”

Knowing better than to poke the bear, I nodded, quickly paid, and left. Even now, years later, she always grins and asks if my house is still dry when I come in the store.

1 Thumbs

She Thinks She’s Soooo Bunny

, , , , | Right | April 8, 2021

I am restocking magazines. Two older women approach me.

Woman #1: “Excuse me, miss. Do you carry, um…”

Her voice trails off and she mumbles something.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t hear you.”

Woman #1: *Almost whispering* “I’m looking for Playboy.”

Woman #2: “Oh, for heaven’s sake, just say it!

Me:Playboy is kept up at the registers; just ask the cashier.”

Woman #2: *At full volume* “She’s getting a boob job!”

Woman #1: “Not so loud!”

Woman #2: “And she’s going to eyeball all the bunnies and pick out her new tits!”

The first woman almost ran away, her friend right behind her. I never did find out if she got up the courage to buy a “Playboy.”

1 Thumbs

Why Won’t You Just Please Take Your Items?

, , , , , | Right | April 8, 2021

I am on the bus. A group of teenagers are at the back and talking rather loudly, so I hear one say the following:

Teen: “You are being such an unexpected item in the bagging area now!”

After hearing more of the conversation, it turned out she works for the local supermarket!

1 Thumbs