American Culture Sure Is A Picture Show

, , , , , | Romantic | February 18, 2019

(I am an American living in Mexico in the 90s. I’m ice skating with my girlfriend when “The Time Warp” comes on the PA.)

Me: “Oh, this is from The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Girlfriend: “What’s that?”

Me: “It’s an American movie about a transvestite scientist who creates a Frankenstein-like man to be their personal sex slave. But it turns out the doctor is an alien. In the US they have midnight showings of the movie, where the men wear women’s underwear and people say all these crazy quotes and throw things at the screen.”

Girlfriend: “I see.”

(It was then that I learned there are some concepts that simply do not transcend cultures.)

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Ermehgerd! He Did It!

, , , , , | Friendly | July 23, 2015

(I am at my choir lesson. Our director is trying to get us to say, “Pah-rah-gah-te”. We are saying it “Pay-ruh-gah-te”.)

Director: “Everyone say, ‘pah-rah-gah.'”

Us: “Pay-ruh-gah.”

Director: “No! Say, um, ‘Uh muh gahd.'”

Us: “Uh muh gahd.”

Director: “Pah-rah-gah.”

Us: “Pah-rah-gah.”

Director: “Perfect! Now, start singing.”

(We sing the song, with each paragate perfect. This is why he is my favorite director.)

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Initially Incorrect, But They Nipped It In The Bud

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2013

(I work at a design firm. A few of our designers have special design achievements that are abbreviated in initials in a smaller script after their name on their business card. I am working in our showroom when a customer comes up to me with a question.)

Customer: “Excuse me. I am looking for the young man I was talking to earlier.”

Me: “Sure, we have several male designers here. Do you remember his name?”

Customer: “No, but he gave me his business card.”

(She looks around confused for a moment, then her face lights up when she remembers something.)

Customer: “He has really small nipples!”

Me: “Excuse me!”

Customer: “Nipples.”

Me: “Uhm… anything more descriptive?”

(A look of horror crosses her face as she realizes what she has said.)

Customer:Initials! After his name on his card, he has really small initials.”

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He Is Twice The Man

, , , , , , , , | Right | October 18, 2012

(For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

(At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

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Numbers Don’t Lie

, , , , , , , | Right | November 29, 2011

(I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about eight pm with three dozen eggs.)

Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*

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