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A Scents-ible Decision

, , , , , , | Right | October 27, 2021

I’m the only cashier on duty during the last hour of my store being open. I’ve just made the announcement that we will be closing in forty-five minutes. I have a headache threatening because a pair of children have been screaming almost non-stop for the last twenty minutes at least, and I am very sensitive to high-pitched noises. A different customer comes to my register.

Customer: “Hey there. You don’t look too happy.”

Me: “Good evening! Apologies, ma’am. My head hurts a bit.”

Customer: “Oh, don’t apologize. I hear those kids, too.”

At my register is a display of little bottles of a certain spray which is used on the toilet to prevent a “number two” from smelling bad. The customer examines these.

Customer: “How much is this?”

Me: *Checks* “The single bottle is [price], or there’s this pack of travel size for [price].”

Customer: *Very cheerfully* “Hmm… nah. They can smell my s***!”

I burst out laughing and thanked her for the much-needed humor.

These Trainers Are Training You Well

, , , , , | Working | October 27, 2021

I normally work on my birthday and I don’t particularly hold much for “big” birthdays, so that mentality — plus the fact we’re in a health crisis and I don’t live anywhere near any of my close friends — means I was just going to work my thirtieth birthday in my new job. After having the holiday calendar shared with me, I decide to check what it’s like on that week as I am wondering about taking some time off — more for myself — but see that’s marked as “no more holiday.” Ah, well, I was planning on working it anyway, so I decide I’ll have a week elsewhere.

My trainers are talking about holidays and their thirtieths and it turns out they’re pretty much at the same time; [Trainer #1]’s is a week before mine and [Trainer #2]’s is a week after. They have booked theirs off, though. I share when mine is and we share some jokes. Trainer 2 is going through something on her computer when her face goes serious.

Trainer #2: *Stern, serious voice* “[My Name].”

Me: *Concerned* “Teah?”

Trainer #2: “Why the everlasting f*** are you working your thirtieth?”

Trainer #1:What?!

Trainer #2: “This is just… Why? No. Why didn’t you say in the interview you had it prebooked off?”

Me: “Oh, I’ve worked my birthday since I was fifteen. I was in retail before, so…”

Trainer #1: “Nooo, you can’t. It’s the day after the bank holiday! You have to have it off!”

Trainer #2: “Yeah, it’s an awful day to work. Always try to get off any days just after a bank holiday.”

Me: *Laugh* “I’ll keep that in mind. But there’s a ‘no more holiday’ stamp on that date, so I’ll be working it this time”

Trainer #2: “No. No, you won’t.” *Types furiously* “You are not permitted to be in!”

And that’s how I got my first birthday off in fifteen years.

This Waitress Might Just Be Nuts

, , , , , | Working | October 26, 2021

Decades ago, some friends and I went to an ice cream parlor. One of us ordered a sundae.

Waitress: “Do you want walnuts on that?”

Friend: “Sure.”

Waitress: “Wet nuts or dry nuts?”

Friend: “What’s the difference?”

Waitress: “The wet nuts have been soaked in maple syrup.”

Friend: “Okay, I’ll have the wet nuts.”

Waitress: “We only have dry nuts.”

To this day, when someone offers us a false choice, my wife and I shout, “Wet nuts or dry nuts?!”

Best If You Button Your Lip

, , , , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2021

I went to Germany for work-related purposes and ended up falling in love with and marrying a girl who had a very charming eight-year-old daughter.

My birthday came along, and my wife bought me a Playstation 2. In this boxed set, it included a karaoke game and a pair of microphones. Upon my unwrapping of the gift, the little girl’s face lit up and she begged me to let her play with it. As it turned out, singing, dancing, and talent shows were her ultimate passion.

That child loved that karaoke game — to the point where I ironically ended up just putting the console in her room and even more ironically would have to ask her from time to time if I could play my game! Otherwise, you would constantly hear her (along with her cousin) singing her heart out all throughout the day. I bought her a few more karaoke-related games, and it made her all the happier.

One day, I was babysitting her and her cousin. They set up a little “talent show” in our living room and asked me to watch their performance. I gladly obliged.

With bright glowing smiles — and neither one of them understanding a single word of English — they started the song and began passionately performing The Pussycat Dolls’ “Buttons”. If you are not familiar with that song, Google the lyrics.

And then, picture two eight-year-old girls singing that in front of a grown man while he turns four shades of red and begs them to switch the track to something else. What made it even funnier was how mortified they looked when I ended up interrupting the performance, and when they asked, “Do we sound that bad?”

This Is Where We Write The Story Name Things

, , , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2021

When stressed or tired, I tend to forget nouns. My husband has just finished eating dinner.

Me: “Can you please put your food holder into the washer box?”

Husband: *Big sigh* “Use your words…”

Me: “I am! I am specifically using my words!”