Waiting Around To Be A Kiss-A**

, , , , , | Right | February 28, 2020

We’re in the middle of closing the store. A customer runs up to the doors as my coworker is closing them.

Coworker:
“I’m sorry, sir, we’re closed!”

Customer:
What?! You mean I drove all the way from [Nearby Town] and I can’t even come inside?!”

Coworker:
“Well… I’m afraid not, sir. We’re going to be emptying the registers and we can’t have non-employees around for that.”

Customer:
“I can’t believe this! I thought you closed at nine!”

Coworker:
“We used to, but we changed our hours about three months ago.”

At this, the customer storms off in a huff to his car but doesn’t leave. As we finish locking up and leave the store, the customer finally starts his car and drives up to the curb where about five of us are standing.

Customer:
“Do me a favor; tell your store manager he can kiss my a**!

The customer drives off, tires squealing. My coworker turns to the store manager.

Coworker:
“[Manager], kiss his a**.”

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Don’t Be A Chicken About Marriage

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 12, 2020

(My boyfriend and I have discussed eventually wanting to get married in the future but never put any plans into motion. So, I order a simple ring with a fried egg on it. Around Christmas, I give it to him.)

Me: “Hey, sweetie, open this.”

Boyfriend: *opening the box* “What is this?”

Me: “It is your egg-agement ring.”

(I got hit with a pillow, but we’ve been happily married for a year now.)

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Last Day Lolz

, , , , , | Working | November 13, 2019

(Working the late hours in a supermarket, the atmosphere can get pretty casual. About ten minutes before closing, some coworkers call over the PA system.)

PA: “Could [Manager] come to the dairy section, please? [Manager], please come to the dairy section.”

(A minute later…) 

PA: “Could [Manager] come to fruits and vegetables, please? [Manager], please come to fruits and vegetables.”

(About 20 seconds later…)

PA: “Could [Manager] come to the registers, please? [Manager], please come to the registers.”

(My coworker and I share a look and suddenly it clicks. It’s [Manager]’s last day! She is pretty popular in part because she is quite hands-off but supportive when needed. Since she doesn’t like being in the spotlight, she didn’t get a goodbye party, but now everyone wants to say goodbye to her in person. There’s an apparent wave of realization going through the store as everyone department joins in calling her over. Some are even getting creative, like calling her to the roof. As I walk back from our little office cubicle to call her over, a customer addresses my coworker:)

Customer: “Oh, my God, that poor manager! Does she have to run the store all by herself?!”

(My coworker doubled over from laughter and when I explained it to the customer she also got a big smile.)

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Mansplainception

, , , | Romantic | November 11, 2019

(I am spending a chill Sunday afternoon at home, with my wife, browsing online. My wife is reading a listicle on social media about the worst examples of mansplaining. She reads a little way in, looks confused, and then turns to me. I am male.)

Wife: “What’s mansplaining?”

Me: “Is… is this a trap?

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The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2019

Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this $500 is on my d*** bill!”

(After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

Me: “Sir, it appears that we have charged a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterward!”

Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

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