Shaken, Stirred, And Totally Served

, , , , , , , , , | Right | July 27, 2021

I am third in the queue at a local supermarket. At the counter, there is a lovely, polite, elderly lady with the telltale jerking movements of Parkinson’s. Her voice is a little slurred, soft, and monotonous.

Lady: “I’m sorry I’m so slow. Can I just get these?”

She puts through five items, mostly lunch stuff.

Cashier: “No worries, not a problem at all! Would you like a bag?”

The next customer cuts in.

Man: “Well, I’m f****** worried! You shouldn’t be allowed out in public like that.”

He gets up in the old lady’s face.

Cashier: “Stop that immediately!”

Man: “Listen, b****, I shouldn’t have to wait in line because some old f***** can’t handle her highs!”

Meanwhile, the old lady is calmly putting her stuff in her bag… except for a can of soda which she holds in her hand.

Cashier: “Excuse me. That is my mother, and she has Parkinson’s Disease; it is a neurological degenerative condition that causes those movements.”

The manager can be seen approaching but is still a few moments away.

Man: “Like f*** she is! She’s just high!”

The lady opens the now very well-shaken can of soda and proceeds to drop it at the man’s feet, causing it to spurt upward in a jet of foam and thoroughly soak him.

Lady: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry! I have Parkinson’s disease. There was a spasm in my hand and I let go of it. I’m soooooo sorry!”

The other customer shouts for a bit and then gets thrown out by the manager.

The elderly lady then waits at the end of the checkout to speak to her daughter after she finishes serving me, and that’s when I notice her mischievous grin.

Me: “You totally meant to do that, didn’t you?” *Smirks*

Lady: “H*** yeah, I did!” *Smiles sweetly* “I may have Parkinson’s, but I can still deal with an a**hole or two!”

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This Won’t Leave You With A Warm Feeling

, , , , , | Related | July 26, 2021

It’s December 2019 and Australia is experiencing one of the worst bushfire seasons in history. The sky is constantly red-brown from smoke and ash and we are hearing about new fires popping up every day. A state of emergency has been declared and the general mood is one of fear and anxiety.

One morning, I’m trying to get my children fed and ready for school while trying to get the news to play on our [Smart Home Assistant]. I am getting cranky and shouty as “The Assistant” can’t hear me properly with my kids chattering away in the background.

Assistant: “Would you like to hear some soothing and relaxing sounds?”

Me: *Giving up* “SURE! Why not?”

“The Assistant” plays crackling fire sounds.

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The Sibling Shade!

, , , , , , | Related | July 25, 2021

I overhear this at a convenience store.

Boy: “Hey, sis, can I ask you a riddle?”

The teenager beside him shrugs.

Boy: “What always goes down but never goes up?”

Sister: “Your grades.”

Boy: *Dejected* “I hate that you are correct.”

For those curious, the proper answer was “rain.”

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Stalled Car-Ma

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 25, 2021

I’m heading home from my college summer job, and a traffic light changes before I expect it to; I’ve never come this way before. I fumble the clutch and stall the engine.

The guy behind me nearly plows into me and leans on the horn until I get the car restarted. In fact, he whips around me, nearly hitting me as I move off, and he flips me a bird as he does.

At the next light, I’m right behind him… where he proves that he is also driving a manual transmission by stalling his engine!

I tap my horn — just a warbly little “toot!” — and laugh as he flinches.

Karma is seldom so obliging!

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Oh, Brother! – Part 6

, , , , | Related | July 24, 2021

Back when I was a teen, my dad admitted to me that my grandfather wasn’t actually blood-related to either of us. The long story short is that my grandmother accidentally got pregnant with my dad as a teen and my ultra-conservative great-grandparents forced her to marry the first available guy they could find — my grandfather — to save their family’s reputation. She then went on to have my uncle with him before they got divorced when my dad and uncle were teens. Neither of them was told the first part until they were in their twenties.

Dad: “I always used to give [Uncle] s*** as kids because we didn’t really look alike. I’d always tell him crap like, ‘You aren’t Dad’s kid!’ or, ‘You’re adopted!’ You know, the stuff you antagonize a younger sibling with, obviously not meaning it seriously. Well, it turned out it was me who wasn’t related to Dad! [Uncle] still hasn’t let me live that down and I can’t say I blame him.”

Related:
Oh, Brother!, Part 5
Oh, Brother! – Part 4
Oh, Brother! – Part 3
Oh, Brother! – Part 2
Oh, Brother!

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