Loose Lips Sink Ships… And Sometimes Give You Mono

, , , , , , , | Related | May 13, 2021

My sister is a freshman living away at college. She has been loving this newfound freedom, and one of her freedoms is “fooling around” with different guys.

My sister comes down with mononucleosis, AKA “the kissing disease”. My mom suspects that my sister has been seeing someone, but she doesn’t have any proof, and my sister certainly isn’t going to volunteer this information. This happens over the phone:

Mom: “How are you feeling?”

Sister: “Not great. The doctor said I have mono.”

Mom: “Really? Oh, no, that’s too bad.”

Sister: “He just told me to take some ibuprofen and rest a lot.”

Mom: “Good advice. Let your professors know you’ll be out.”

Sister: “I will.”

Mom: “So, what was his name?”

Sister: “What? Who?”

Mom: “Who gave it to you? What was his name?”

Sister: “OH, MY GOD! [MY NAME] TOLD YOU?! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”

Mom: “No, she didn’t tell me anything… but you just did.”

Years later, my sister finds it hilarious that my mom can figure out information like that. My mom thought that was a high point in her mom-sleuthing career.

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Fancy Butcher’s Chicken By The Case, The Meaning Of Expensive Taste

, , , , , | Related | May 12, 2021

When we have Christmas dinner in our household, we have roast chicken and all the trimmings. It’s usually just the local supermarket’s chicken; it’s got a lot of water in it and it’s not the best quality, but it feeds four for cheap with some leftovers for the cat. We also sometimes have roast chicken for Sunday lunch — again, just a cheap supermarket one, without the trimmings.

Regardless of whether we put the chicken on the table or on the side, we have no issues with our cat going for it whilst we are eating. He would never get on the table if we got up and left the chicken unattended. He always waits until his portion is put on the floor. Then, he absolutely devours it. It’s gone within seconds and he’s licking the plate. He likes his chicken, even though it is just cheap stuff.

When our cat was seventeen, he had some arthritis going on and generally disliked jumping. That Christmas, my grandpa bought us a butcher’s chicken. This particular butcher was well known in the area and was pretty expensive, to boot. Mum cooked it and we popped it in the middle of the table and went back to the kitchen to carry the trimmings through.

When we returned to the table, our elderly cat — who hated jumping — was there, head in the chicken, chomping away. We got him away, which was a struggle, and then we had to fight to keep him off the table and remove him from the kitchen counters. It hit a point that, for the first time since we’d gotten this kitty, we had to shut him out of the kitchen and dining room whilst we ate. He still got his chicken after. He also badgered us for more, which did happen usually but not normally with biting involved.

And ever since that chicken, our cat has turned his nose up to the supermarket chicken.

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Downpour Results In Downtimes

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 12, 2021

We’re visiting a theme park that features two new rides, one of which consistently has a queue time of at least three hours all day. Since we’re in Orlando for three weeks, we figure we’ll just try again another day.

Fast forward two weeks and our efforts so far have been in vain. The queue just refuses to ever dip down below the three-hour mark no matter what we do. We’ve pretty much resigned ourselves to either not going on it at all or just sucking it up and losing the three hours.

On our penultimate visit to the park, we are at the complete opposite end of the park when a bout of tremendously heavy rain starts and, not being the sort of people to get upset about being wet, we decide we may as well quick-march over and see if people got rained out of the queue.

Nearing our destination, we see a family of five huddled under a tree frantically extracting ponchos from a backpack. This family looks at the pair of us marching through this downpour like we’ve grown extra heads. We just shrug and say, “British.”

The family laughs and nods in understanding and we carry on our way. We find a forty-minute queue which we happily jump in. We’re completely dried out by the time we’re halfway through it. Success!

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Second Best Compliments

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

I work as a waitress at a small restaurant. We do not have a dedicated hostess; this is done by whichever waitress is available.

A father and his six-year-old son, both regulars, always sit in a specific waitress’s section. I greet them.

Me: “Would you like a table or a booth?”

Little Boy: “We’d like a booth in [Specific Waitress]’s section.”

Me: “[Specific Waitress] is not working today.”

Without missing a beat, the little boy says:

Little Boy: “Oh, can we have your second-best waitress, then?”

It was said so innocently, I couldn’t help but laugh along with the father.

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Ah, Yes, The Long Lost Cousin Of I. C. Weiner

, , , , , | Legal | May 11, 2021

I’m hanging out with friends when my phone rings. The number shows my area code but it isn’t a number I recognize. I decide to answer anyway.

Me: “Hello?”

Recorded Voice: “This is the social security administration. Your social security number has been flagged for suspicious use.”

You know how the spiel goes. They’ll send out a warrant for my arrest, freeze my bank accounts, etc., unless I press a number to talk to an agent.

Scammer: “Social security office, how may I help you?”

Me: “I just got told my number has been flagged?”

Scammer: “Can I get your name?”

Me: “Yes, it’s Pat Bums.”

This is nowhere close to my name. My friends start cracking up, but I silence them so the “agent” doesn’t catch on.

Scammer: “All right, can you spell that for me?”

I spell it.

Scammer: “Thank you, Miss… ah… Bums. Can I get your social security number?”

Me: “Sure, it’s eight.”

There’s some silence.

Scammer: “Ma’am?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “I need your social security number to verify.”

Me: “Yes, it’s eight.”

Scammer: “The whole number?”

Me: “It’s the only one, yup!”

Scammer: “Ma’am—”

Me: “Oh, the big number!”

One of my friends has to leave the room as he’s laughing too hard.

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, I need the whole social security number.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember! It’s twelve!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, this is a serious matter. If I cannot verify who you are, the arrest warrant may be issued.”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how you could arrest me.”

Scammer: “If your number was flagged—”

Me: “Sir, you know it’s illegal to impersonate a government employee?”

He hangs up. I set my phone down.

Me: “Next call, one of you guys is handling it.”

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