A Chip Off The Old Potato

, , , , , , , | Related | May 23, 2020

My four-year-old grandson is lying on the couch, popcorn at hand, eyes glued to his favorite Disney movie.

I walk in, see him, and say, “You’re the original couch potato.”

He replies, “Nuh-uh.”

“You’re not the original couch potato?”

“No.”

“Then who is?”

He points to his grandfather on the other couch and says, “Papa is.”

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Get Behind Me, School Supplies!

, , , , , , | Right | May 16, 2020

We are nearing the beginning of the school year and I have a lady come up who is just livid — not with me or the store, but with the school.

Customer: “This is just stupid! Get this! I am paying for my child to go to [Private School], it costs a fortune, and they’re making me buy school supplies! This is just stupid!”

I finish ringing up her order. I look at the total and then look back to her.

Me: “This wouldn’t happen to be a Catholic School, would it?”

Customer: “Yeah. Why?”

Me: “Well, your total is… $6.66.”

The customer stares for a moment and then laughs.

Customer: “I think I need to buy a candy bar now.”

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We Think They Might Have Trouble With Their Password

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2020

I work in the client services department of an online brokerage. One of our duties is the “Welcome Call” to those who open a new account, giving them some information they’ll need. We have a routine script that we work off:

Coworker: Hi, Mr. [Client], this is [Coworker] with [Company]. I wanted to give you your account number and show you how to access your account online. If you can get a pen and paper, I am going to start by giving you your account number and password to download the software. The password is going to be a little long, and be a combination of letters and numbers, all uppercase for the letters.”

My coworker pauses for a second while the client gets his pen and paper and then she continues.

Coworker: “Okay, so your account number is [number], and your password is going to be [password]. Remember, be sure you have the caps lock on; it’s all capitals.”

Another pause on her side.

Coworker: “Yes, sir, even the G and the K are capital.”

I fell out of my chair laughing.

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Helping A Customer To Help Themself

, , , , | Right | May 3, 2020

A customer walks up to the register across from mine, which is closed. My current customer is speaking to me, and I can’t interrupt, so it takes around ten seconds before I can say to the new customer:

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that line is closed. I can help you here.”

Customer: “Well, you could’ve f****** told me that sooner instead of making me look like a f****** idiot!”

My head whips around at the not just the venom, but the volume of her voice. I put on my best customer service smile.

Me: “It doesn’t appear you need any help to look like an idiot.”

Yes, I got in trouble. Yes, it was worth it.

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Not An Inch More Room To Self-Destruct

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2020

I am a closer at a sandwich shop. The store has been closed for half an hour. We were super busy and, in my haste to close up, I forgot to lock the door when I turned off the open sign. Suddenly, I hear the bell chime on the door so I go to the front and see a gentleman standing there.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We closed half an hour ago.”

Customer: “I want something to eat.”

Me: “Sir, I am afraid I can’t make anything for you. All of our food is put away and the register is closed.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! I’m hungry!”

Me: “I’m sorry. [Other Restaurant] is open 24 hours. You could try there.”

Customer: “That’s not healthy!”

Me: “Well… I’m afraid I don’t know what else to tell you.”

The man gets a very angry look on his face and he turns his back to me. After hours, we’re allowed to listen to whatever music we want on our personal devices. I’m a bit of a Broadway junkie, so I was listening to a musical radio station. Suddenly, this song comes on my phone, very loudly.

Phone: “There’s a moment you know you’re f*****!”

The customer stormed out of the building and I ran out to the lobby, locking the door and laughing hysterically.

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