I used to work in a camera shop, and one of the services we offered was taking passport photos (with an actual camera, not in a booth). 

One day, this guy comes in asking for passport photos, so I say “sure”, pick up the camera, walk around the counter, and pull down the grey backdrop.

 I point to the floor in front of the backdrop and say:

Me: “If you could just stand here, please.”

I walk a few feet away to take the picture. 

I turn around and bring up the camera, only to see that the guy has stood with his back to me, facing the backdrop; his nose must be only inches away from it. 

Keeping my voice perfectly level, I say:

Me: “Okay, if you could just face me…”

He turns around, sees the camera in my hands, and immediately starts to go red. Neither of us mentions it, though, and we complete the transaction.

Afterwards, my manager, who was standing there the whole time, said to me:

Manager: “I have no idea how you kept a straight face…”

I’m in the drive-thru at a very busy fast-food place. I am used to the wait, as it’s the only decent place in a large area.

The car ahead of me is ordering their food and starts to complain about the wait.

Customer: “Do you know how long we’ve been waiting?!”

The cashier smiles and wordlessly points to a sign on the window.

Customer: “Well… that’s… not good enough!”

Cashier: “$16.88, please!”

The customer taps their card on the machine and pulls forward to the pickup window. I pull up to pay for my order, and laugh when I see the sign that the cashier had pointed to:

Sign: “Don’t like the wait? Ask for an application and show us how it’s done!”

I work in a small local diner. A customer is staring at a sign we have above the menu, and then calls me over.

Customer: “I’m offended by that sign you have up there!”

He points to the sign that says:

Sign: “Customers beware: Managers who are only summoned to repeat store policy that has been explained by the waitstaff will do so less politely and then laugh at you.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

Customer: “That’s not a very professional attitude for a manager to have!”

Me: “Well, it’s half a joke, and half a deterrent for customers who want to complain about things that we have no control over.”

Customer: “What if I wanted to complain about that sign?”

Me: “Then I would call the manager for you, and things would get very meta.”

My friend and I are driving to college together; she’s driving. 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, she shouts:

Friend: “F***!”

Me: “What is it?!”

Friend: “I forgot my keys!”

Me: “Uh—”

Friend: “—I had that nagging feeling that I forgot something. I was running through a mental list of things when I suddenly realized!”

Me: “[Friend], you—”

Friend: “—I need to figure out who I can call to bring me home from school!”

Me: “[Friend]! You’re driving literally right now.”

Friend: “Yeah?”

Me: “I’m looking at your keys right now, since they’re in the ignition.”

Friend: “…”

Me: “You okay? Want me to drive?”

Friend: “You tell anyone about this, you’re dead.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I would type it up and submit to a website or anything…”

Back in the 1980’s, I worked in a large training organisation based in a city centre. Our building had an enclosed courtyard at the back with a cycle bay and parking for senior staff directly beneath the office. Anyone sitting by a window, as I did, could see who was coming and going, and we kept an eye out as thefts had been attempted. CCTV was rare in those days.

One day, our Training Director left for a meeting. As he reversed out from under the building, I glanced out and was shocked to see his briefcase on the roof of his car, then watched helplessly (there were no mobile phones back then, either) as he drove away. I went to tell our manager.

Ten minutes later, as we stood discussing what to do, we saw him return with, astonishingly, the briefcase still on the car roof! He pulled out of sight to his space underneath, and we expected he’d soon back out and leave again, once he’d found the briefcase.

As we watched out of the window, to our surprise, he walked in behind us, headed straight for his office, and obviously started looking for something. After a short while, he came out looking very puzzled.

Director: “Has anyone seen my briefcase?”

The manager and I looked at each other for a long few seconds, then he said:

Manager: “It’s on top of your car, Pete.”

His eyes went wide, and his mouth fell open in complete horror, and we broke down in hysterics.

He took it very well. Incredibly, he’d driven nearly a mile through the city before realising he didn’t have the case beside him, then turned round to come back for it! How it stayed on the roof of his car all that way, I have no idea. I can only assume he was one very smooth driver.