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The Lesser Of Two Evils

, , , , , | Related | September 26, 2021

Mom: “Can [Dad] and I come live with you when we’re old?”

Me: “Of course!”

Mom: “Really? Why?”

Me: “I don’t want to have any vacancies for the in-laws.”

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You Know Him Better Than That

, , , , | Right | September 26, 2021

I was working at a store when George Strait, the country singer, came in. My cashier was losing her mind before he even made it to the counter to pay for a service ticket and I had to send the poor girl to wait in the office. I took care of him away from the main registers and he wrote a check.

Me: “To run a check, I’ll need your ID.”

He just looked at me.

Me: “I’m sorry. I know who you are, but I need the driver’s license information to process the check.”

He laughed and it was all good. For the next eight years, my management laughed about the time I ID’d George Strait.

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Lorelai Gilmore’s Got Nothing On Dad

, , , , | Related | September 25, 2021

I’m visiting my parents for a few days. It’s just after eight in the evening. My dad and I are watching the news and my step-mum is half watching, half doing a crossword puzzle. The time is important, because around eight in the evening is when my dad wants coffee, and when I’m visiting, he has a habit of expecting me to make it. It was just the two of us for a long time when I was a teenager, and he made a private game of finding more creative versions of saying, “[My Name], go make me a coffee!”. Examples of what he came up with: saying, “Yes, I’d love a coffee. Thanks for the offer, [My Name]!”; asking, “Where’s my coffee?”; or texting me, “Coffee!!” when I was in my room.

Today, he surpasses himself. It starts with Mum asking for help with her puzzle.

Mum: “One of the Gorgons, six letters?”

Me: “Medusa.”

Mum: “Yes, that would fit.”

Dad: *Pointing at me* “Drink of the gods, usually served at eight.”

I think, “What is he talking… Oh!”

Me: “You want coffee?”

Dad: “You got it!”

Mum bursts out laughing and I throw up my hands.

Me: “That’s it! That is definitely the most original version of, ‘[My Name], go make me a coffee,’ you can come up with. You’re not going to top this! Peak Dad humor achieved!”

Knowing him, he’ll take it as a challenge.

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Creating A Battery Of Issues

, , , , | Friendly | September 25, 2021

I am standing by my car on the road, with the bonnet open. A man walks past.

Man: “Doing some work to your car?”

Me: “It’s getting scrapped tomorrow, but I want the battery out. It’s nearly new. I’ll flog it on eBay.”

Man: “You would get some good money for those wheels, too.”

Me: “Maybe, but the recovery truck will be a bit confused about how to lift it, then!”

He walks on. I remove the battery in two minutes and let the hood drop. I just need to lock the car. I insert the key in the driver’s door… and it won’t turn. I try the handle. It won’t open, either.

It dawns on me that the car needs the power from the battery to operate the lock. How is the car going to be winched onto the recovery truck if the recoverer can’t get inside it to steer? I can almost hear Laurel and Hardy shouting, “Here’s another fine mess you’ve got me into!” I phone my father for advice.

Me: “He’s going to have a tough time recovering the car. Oh, there’s something else inside the car he needs: a parking brake!”

Dad: “To put the battery back in, you’ll need to open the bonnet. Where is the open bonnet switch?”

Me: “Passenger footwell.”

Dad: “Which is where?”

Me: “Inside the car. Oh, crap. I can’t steer, set the parking brake, or open the bonnet to put the battery back in.”

Dad: “Either deal with it in the morning, let him drag it on with the winch, or get a brick and smash the window in.”

I should have taken the man’s advice and just removed all four wheels!

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Voicing Concerns Over Your Phone Voice

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2021

I’ve worked in the same job for almost five years, repeating the same things over and over again, so much so that I’ve perfected my phone voice.

Every now and again, customers may confuse me with cold callers as we sometimes need to call customers back who are having issues. Sometimes, I also get confused for a computer or robot instead of a person.

What is new is that when I asked a customer to tell me her date of birth the other day, instead of telling me, she started hitting numbers on her phone! It took me a few seconds to process what she was doing, and she was quite embarrassed when I asked her to tell me out loud.

The rest of the call went smoothly, though!

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