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Lounging About In Your Underwear Is The Cat’s Pajamas!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 29, 2021

We used to live in an apartment with a balcony facing the street. There was a unit next to us, so their balcony was a few feet down from us along the side of the building, facing the same direction. It was a busy street and that was our only “outside area,” so my boyfriend and I liked to spend time out there, and we noticed that our neighbor had some odd habits.

He would put up tall pieces of plywood on the side of his balcony when he was out there, facing toward our balcony only, not toward the street. Despite this, it was easy to see that he would sit outdoors, shirtless and only wearing tighty-whity style underwear, and rub his bald head while watching the foot traffic and cars below.

It seemed harmless enough — we could always see his hands, at least — so what did we care? 

Our big ginger cat loved going out on the balcony and would sit for hours on the railing and watch the birds. One day, I had the sliding door open to let the cat in and out as he pleased and not play butler every five minutes. I saw that the cat was sitting on my boyfriend’s grill. It was closed, but it still was probably not the most hygienic place for a giant cat. 

I poked my head through the open screen door and told him sternly, “Get your butt off of there!”

I had barely noticed that the next-door side partition was up and our neighbor must have been enjoying a head rubbing session because, the next thing I knew, there was a half-naked-and-tighty-whity blur visible in the gap between the door and the makeshift partition, diving headfirst into his apartment at my remark!

Thankfully, his apartment’s access was on the opposite side of the building and we never ran into him other than on the balcony, but we’d glimpse him in the parking lot occasionally, always in a very straight-laced banker-type suit!

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This Is Equal Parts Bizarre And Sad As Heck

, , , , , | Legal | September 28, 2021

This was in the early 2000s when chat rooms and Yahoo/AOL were the de facto standard of communicating on the Internet and it was a lot harder to verify things people would tell you about themselves.

I had a girl who looked to be in her late teens move in with me after I advertised an empty room in my house. One grating thing about her that I discovered right away was that she talked incessantly and often told far-fetched stories about herself. Many of her stories often appeared to garner sympathy — i.e. being sexually assaulted in a subway, having to give the resulting child up for adoption, etc. As tempting as it was to give her back her rent money and tell her to move along, I grinned and bore it only because I lived with my elderly grandma from ages seventeen to nineteen and drove that poor woman up the wall with my teenage antics.

Over the following two months, I noticed that my roommate received an unusual amount of mail and packages. The packages were always small gifts like teddy bears, chocolates, inexpensive jewelry, and such. I figured they were from her family and found it endearing. The house phone also frequently rang with calls for her.

One late evening, I was coming from work and was shocked to find a mass of police cars, EMT workers, and an ambulance congregating around my house with my front door smashed in.

After letting someone know that I was a resident of the house and wanted to know what in the world was going on, I was let in. There was my roommate sitting on my couch with officers screaming at her: “You need to stop lying! You have the entire police force here looking for a dead woman, etc., etc., etc.! This is the third time I’ve had to deal with you this past year alone, and this town has been putting up with your s*** since you were ten!”

As it turned out, when the story unfolded, the girl had been talking on romance chat rooms and dating sites posing as a dying cancer patient, using fake photos of a seriously ill and emaciated cancer victim, and getting lonely and gullible guys to shower her with gifts and money.

One of the guys fell so much in love with her that he insisted on coming to visit her even though he lived several states away. Figuring that the jig would have been up with this particular mark, she then pretended to have a medical emergency on the phone with him and, according to him, began gasping and wheezing and became unresponsive.

What she didn’t count on was him dialing 911 in his state, giving the dispatch my address, and that dispatch quickly connecting to the dispatch in my area to alert them. After the police broke my door in, since no one was answering, they found the idiot hiding in a closet.

The girl turned out to be only seventeen years old; she’d left home and gotten a fast food job, and her parents simply never reported her missing.

I ended up giving her a three-day notice.

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Enveloped In Confusion

, , , , , | Related | September 28, 2021

My uncle is very sweet, but sometimes I’m not 100% sure how his thought processes work. My birthday is coming up, and today I got a letter-sized envelope from him in the mail. Inside, stacked on top of each other, were:

1) a small gift card, which would easily fit inside a greeting card;

2) a birthday card (folded in half to fit into the envelope);

3) a taller, narrower envelope, perfectly sized for the birthday card, clearly bought with the birthday card, and also folded in half to fit into the letter-sized envelope. 

I can’t figure out why he didn’t use the birthday card’s envelope; the gift card was nowhere near big enough to keep it from fitting, and he wouldn’t have had to fold the birthday card. But even if he did have a reason for wanting to use the letter-sized envelope, why did he send me the one that came with the birthday card?

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You And Me Go Poopin’ In The Dark

, , | Right | September 26, 2021

When I worked at a convenience store, people coming off of the interstate would come in at five minutes to closing and go to the bathroom and play on their phones. I turned off all the lights except the one directly in front of my register. I can’t believe the number of people that couldn’t take a hint and would wander a dark store looking at candy and potato chips.

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Voicing Concerns Over Your Phone Voice

, , , , , | Right | September 25, 2021

I’ve worked in the same job for almost five years, repeating the same things over and over again, so much so that I’ve perfected my phone voice.

Every now and again, customers may confuse me with cold callers as we sometimes need to call customers back who are having issues. Sometimes, I also get confused for a computer or robot instead of a person.

What is new is that when I asked a customer to tell me her date of birth the other day, instead of telling me, she started hitting numbers on her phone! It took me a few seconds to process what she was doing, and she was quite embarrassed when I asked her to tell me out loud.

The rest of the call went smoothly, though!

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