Our pharmacy sometimes gets batches of medical students who come and work for us as part of their training. I’m showing a new hire around and point out a post-it on the wall above the phone.

Me: “Oh, and if you see that number calling in, do NOT pick up.”

New Hire: “Oh, okay. Why?”

Me: “Some old dude who calls in at least weekly for instructions for his rectal suppositories. It’s obvious he gets his jollies doing that, so we put his number above the phone with a note not to answer it.”

New Hire: “Oh. Eww.”

Later that week, I see the new girl pick up the phone without checking the number first. I then see her eyes widen after a few minutes. Then:

New Hire: “Sir, I am sorry to interrupt, but I do believe I can give you the medical advice you need and tell you to have a good day at the same time. Shove it up your a**!” *Click.*

Me: “You know, I’m ashamed I didn’t think of that…”

I was working in a betting shop during the 2014 Football World Cup.

We had this one really awful customer; always wildly inappropriate, asking what colour my underwear was, did I need someone to keep me warm tonight, etc. I couldn’t do anything as the higher-ups wanted to squeeze money from him.

Anyway, the night before the final match, he comes in and tells me:

Customer: “I wanna bet on Germany to win.”

Me: “As it’s the night before the final, you can’t have a broad bet like that anymore. You have to choose between a ninety-minute win or winning in extra time, on penalties, etc.”

I showed him the odds for all of the different bets, and he ended up choosing the ninety-minute win. I put the bet through for him, and off he went into the night to be creepy somewhere else.

The match plays out, and of course, Germany wins in extra time. The next day, he comes in grinning from ear to ear.

Customer: “I’m a winner!”

Oh boy.

Me: “No. You bet that they’d win before ninety minutes, and they didn’t.”

The guy immediately flies into a rage.

Customer: “You money-grabbing sl*t! You’re just jealous of my riches! Pay me out, or I’ll call the police!”

Me: “Leave the store or I’ll call them myself.”

I admit I was surprised when he complied and left.

A few days later, I came back from my lunch break to see him ranting at my cashier.

Me: “What’s the problem?”

He throws me his bet slip for the World Cup, only now he’s written ‘extra time’ on it in pen and is trying to get my less experienced staff member to pay him out.

Me: “We scan bets; the computer takes an image of it. Obviously, this slip has been altered as it doesn’t match what’s on the screen.”

I even turned the computer to show him.

Me: “Tampering with the ticket counts as fraud.”

Again, he leaves, spouting nonsense about how women shouldn’t be working in betting shops.

Next week, I get told I have to go to a meeting as I’ve had a complaint filed against me by a customer. The day of the meeting rolls around, and I’m greeted by my area manager, security director, and CREEPY DUDE.

He had phoned the customer line and said I’d refused to pay his bet and taken the money for myself. We ended up bringing up the CCTV of the night he originally placed the bet, complete with audio, to prove without a shadow of doubt that he was in the wrong.

He still won’t accept this and starts screaming that we’re all thieves, we faked the video, and threatens to get a lawyer. The security director escorts him off the premises, and he is banned from all of our chains indefinitely.

If his bet had won, it would have been a whopping £55. Yeah, so jealous of his riches…

I’m a dude working the deli, about two weeks into the job. After cutting some ham for an old guy, I ask:

Me: “Is there anything else you wanted?”

Customer: “If you were a girl, I’d ask you out, but you’d probably say no.”

Me: *Shrugs.* “Sorry, man, all I can offer you is my meat.”

The customer shrugs, takes his ham, and wanders off looking forlorn. So THAT’S why my two female coworkers suddenly hid in the back…

A couple of decades ago, I was listening in to an older coworker on the customer assistance line, learning the ropes as a fresh-out-of-high-school retail worker.

Caller: “Where the f*** is my mattress! It was supposed to be here today!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re estimating a delay of two days due to the heavy snowstorm in your area.”

Caller: “I know there’s a snowstorm, d*** it! I got windows! I already went to work today, and if I can drive out in that, then so can your d**** delivery driver!”

Coworker: “You might be able to drive around your town, sir, but the highways are currently closed, so—”

Caller: “—maybe I’ll come down there with my gun, and then we’ll see how soon I get my mattress.”

My coworker pauses a moment, but looks perfectly calm.

Coworker: “I will see what I can do, sir.”

Caller: “Now that sounds more like it.”

The call ends, and I speak in a shocked tone.

Me: “How were you able to remain so calm! He just threatened you!”

Coworker: “I have a son who’s a senior officer with the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police). Guess what my next call is gonna be…”

The next day, that caller was arrested for uttering threats at his place of work.

He was a university professor fresh out of grad school, and the arresting officer was my coworker’s son, who made sure he was arrested in front of the dean of his faculty, cuffed, and did the perp walk through the campus and was made to take the long route.

He was kicked out of the University and never taught again.

I worked in a specialty shoe store. I was fitting an elderly man with shoes; his wife was sitting next to him. He looked at me and said:

Elderly Man: “I love seeing a woman working on her knees.”

Me: “Yes, it’s the perfect height for punching a man in a specific area.”

Elderly Man: *Shocked.* “Hey, I was just kidding!”

Elderly Woman: *Laughing her a** off.* “Ha! I told you one of these days that mouth of yours was going to get you into trouble!”

Elderly Man: “But I was just kidding!”

Elderly Woman: “I told you times have changed, honey. One of these days someone is gonna punch you in the nuts, and when it happens I’m going to laugh even harder than I am right now.”

She turns to me.

Elderly Woman: “Where are the store’s cameras? I’ll stand between them and you so that you get a clean shot.”

Me: “You’ve… put thought into this.”

Elderly Woman: “You have no idea how many times I have heard that “joke”.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a woman working in a shoe store. I guarantee I have heard it more times than you have. That is why I have rehearsed responses to it.”

She laughs, but a little sadder this time. Her husband has tossed the shoes I was fitting away and has stormed out of the store barefoot.

Elderly Woman: *Sigh.* “This is gonna be another day of sulking, just like when I told him he couldn’t make the ‘milk’ joke with the waitresses at the diner anymore…”