She Eats People Like You For Breakfast

, , , , , | Romantic | October 14, 2017

(My friend is working the drive-thru. After the customer gives his order and pulls to the window, this lovely exchange happens:)

Customer: “You know, a guy like me likes to see girls like you on her back, preferably naked.”

Friend: “You know, a girl like me likes to see guys like you in an oven, preferably with it preheated to 350 already.”

Customer: “I was just trying to be flattering.”

Friend: “You were just trying to be raunchy for shock value, and it didn’t work.”

Customer: “What if I had feelings for you?”

Friend: “Wouldn’t change mine toward you, which is hungry.”

Customer: “As in good hungry?”

Friend: “As in Hannibal hungry.”

Customer: *drives off*

Hands Off The Merch(ant)

, , , , , | Right | October 9, 2017

(I am working as a cashier at a fast food place during my senior year of high school. One day an older lady comes in with three grandchildren.)

Me: “Good morning! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Just a moment; let’s figure out what we want.”

(She proceeds to talk with the kids and argue about what they want for about five minutes before I finally have everything in the machine.)

Me: “All right, ma’am, if that’s all…”

(I put my hand out for her change and she grabs my hand.)

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “Not so fast! I still have to order for me.”

(She continues to hold my hand for the duration of the order, even as I try to pull my hand back. Only at the end when she gets her money out do I get my hand released. Needless to say I kept my hands behind the counter for the rest of the order.)

Customer: “Here you are!”

(She apparently saw nothing wrong with what she did, and I was too polite to mention anything. All of my coworkers saw this and teased me for a month, asking where my “girlfriend” was.)

A Man’s Duty Is Not About Booty

, , , , , | Romantic | October 1, 2017

(I’m 17 and my friend has suckered me into working at my first job selling alarm systems door-to-door. They drop us off at random locations that we’re expected to canvas all day. I’m taking my lunch break, sitting outside a gas station on top of a small hill. A shirtless man passes by on the bottom of the hill, obviously going into the other entrance. He emerges with an energy drink and walks until he gets to the corner, then walks back. I don’t think anything of it and keep eating. Suddenly, he’s in front of me.)

Guy: “Hey!”

Me: “Hi.”

Guy: “I’ve seen you walking around, and I wouldn’t be doing my duty as a man if I didn’t tell you that you have the most beautiful a** I’ve ever seen.”

Me: *embarrassed and freaked out* “Thank you.”

Guy: “Just thought I’d let you know.” *starts walking away, then turns back to me* “My name is [Name].”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Guy: “You got a boyfriend?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “What’s your number?”

Me: *trying to dissuade him with the obvious age difference* “How old are you?”

Guy: *puffs out chest* “How old do you think I am?”

Me: *lying* “About 25-26?” *still old enough the age difference should matter*

Guy: “Well, how old are you?”

Me: “I’m 17.”

Guy: *obviously shaken* “I’m actually 37… so, that’s a little old for you, right?”

Me: “Yeah, kind of.”

Guy: “Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you. Just remember, you have a beautiful a**. I was just doing my duty as a man.”

(He never talked to me face to face after that, but for the next two weeks I was stationed there, and whenever he saw me walking, he’d call out, “BEAUTY WITH A BOOTY!”)

Steve Me Alone!

, , , , , , | Working | September 22, 2017

(I am expecting a call from a hospital scheduling agent. Despite the fact that I normally don’t answer calls that show as “unknown” on the caller ID, I am answering now, in case it’s the agent.)

Caller: “Hi. Is this Mrs. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Yes, is this the hospital?”

Caller: “No, I’m looking for Steve [Last Name]. I’m calling about—”

Me: “There’s no Steve here.”

Caller: “But you ARE Mrs. [Last Name]?”

Me: “Yes, but my husband’s name is not Steve.”

(The caller begins a tirade about how he has to talk to Steve, I am hiding Steve, and Steve needs to pay his bills. I finally hang up on him, but he calls back a few seconds later. The caller ID shows a different number so I answer.)

Caller: “You cannot refuse to put Steve on the phone!”

Me: “Actually, I can. I suspect you are looking for my husband’s uncle, but he has never lived here.”

Caller: *now suddenly nice* “Oh, I’m sorry. Can you give me Steve’s phone number?”

Me: “No, actually I can’t. Steve died last spring.”

(The caller then began berating me about how Steve HAD to pay his medical bills. I hung up again. The scheduler called right after I hung up, so I went back to ignoring unknown calls. There were four different voice mails from this bill collector about needing contact information for Steve. I ended up filing a complaint with the attorney general’s office. I don’t expect to ever hear from them. The same agency calls and leaves voice mails for Steve at least three times a week.)

Don’t Say The Line If You Can’t Do The Time

, , , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2017

Me: *answering a call from an unfamiliar number* “Hello?”

Caller: *adolescent male voice* “…I’m gonna cut off your balls and shove them down your throat.” *click*

Me: “Hmm. Okay.” *calls the police, provides the number, fills out a report*

(Several days go by:)

Friend: “I heard that you called the police on my little brother?”

Me: “Oh! Is THAT who that was? Are you aware of what he said?”

Friend: “He admitted it wasn’t good, but he didn’t say what. You scared the living crap out of him; he thought he was going to jail.”

Me: “Good.”

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