Peppa Pig Says, “Suck My D**k”

, , , , | | Legal | May 24, 2019

I am babysitting my two-year-old niece one morning while her parents are at work. While we’re sitting there, watching cartoons, my phone rings with a number I don’t recognize, but it says it’s local. I rarely answer the phone for numbers I don’t recognize, but as I’ve been putting out a lot of job applications lately, I decide to risk it.

I answer and am greeted with a robot saying that I’m being contacted about my tremendous credit card debt, and how legal action is being prepared against me. They ask if I would like to talk to a collections officer about it. I select to talk to a real person and get a man on the line.

I proceed to ask him to remove my number from his list, because I don’t have a credit card, and I have never had a credit card.

He responds with “Hey, how about you come down here, and I’ll give you $20 to suck my d**k?”

I freeze up in a case of “Is this really happening?” and stare at my phone. After a moment, I finally manage to come up with a response of “Only if you suck mine first, sweetie.”

Never had someone hang up so fast in my life. I went back to watching Peppa Pig with my niece.

They’ll Be Out Of Your Hair In A Minute

, , , , | | Right | May 22, 2019

(I have just finished ringing up a rather normal-looking customer. I have my hair colored bright red.)

Me: “Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “Uh, um…”

Me: “Yes?”

(He looks around nervously, then looks at me very seriously.)

Customer: “Please don’t think this is weird! It’s good luck for me!”

(I instinctively reach for the intercom to call for a manager. As I do this he leans across the register and ruffles my hair and laughs for a good five seconds, leaving me absolutely stunned.)

Customer: “That’s good luck for me! Thank you!”

(He walks off happily and I stand there, still unsure of what just happened. The next customer, an elderly woman, walks up to me.)

Customer #2: “Honey, are you okay? Should I call someone or something?”

Me: “I… have no idea. I really don’t know what that was.”

Always Lives Up To It

, , , , , , | | Right | May 22, 2019

(This happens literally every time this customer comes into the bank:)

Me: “Hi. How are you?”

Customer: “I’m well, and you?”

Me: “Good, thanks! What can I do for you?”

(Then, there’s more small talk as I do his transaction.)

Customer: “I think I saw you the other day on [Street]. I didn’t know you lived there.”

Me: “No, that wasn’t me; I don’t live over there.”

Customer: “Oh, well, where do you live?”

Me: “…”

(I give him a different answer about where I live every single time. It’s never the correct street or even near my house, yet he asks me where I live every time he sees me. No.)

Pay-Per-Eww

, , , , , | | Right | May 21, 2019

(I work in a call center for a large cable company, mostly in tech support. I am a 23-year-old woman with a very feminine voice. I have just finished explaining to this caller, a middle-aged man, how pay-per-view works and how to order it. Most of our pay-per-views are “adult” themed.)

Caller: “So, um, I just remembered. I can’t read. Can you order one for me?”

Me: *getting nervous, but still friendly* “Of course I can help you with that! Which one did you want to order?”

Caller: “Well… can you just read all of them to me?”

(I hear a distinctive zipping noise in the background.)

Me: *pause* “All of them, sir?”

Caller: “I want to know all of the ones you have.”

(I start reading all of the titles for every channel and every time that we have that day. I get no answer from him, only hearing heavy breathing in the background. Finally…)

Caller: “Can you say that one again, but slower?”

Me: “[Explicit Adult Title].”

Caller: “One more time. Slower. Sound it out.”

Me: *repeats, but slower*

Caller: “One. More. Time.”

Me: *repeats again*

Caller: “Yeeeaaaaah. That’s the one! That’s it!”

Me: “So, this is the one you want to order?”

(His breathing has gotten heavier and heavier during the duration of the call.)

Caller: “Give it to me!” *loud grunt, followed by a sigh*

Me: *absolutely disgusted* “Okay. So, I have that title ordered for you. Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?”

Caller: “What are you doing later?”

All Talk And No Talking

, , , , , | | Friendly | May 16, 2019

(My friend and I are waiting for a train, chatting with each other, when this heavily drunk man comes up and tries to talk with us. He absolutely reeks of alcohol, to the point where I feel nauseous, and he makes sounds several times as if he is about to throw up while he is leaning over us. We manage to scoot out of our seats and move down the platform, leaving him to flop down on the bench we just vacated. We get to another bench further down the track, settle down, and start chatting again, when there is a loud humph from the lady sitting on a bench behind us.)

Lady: *after we turn to look at her* “How rude are you, running away from that poor man? He obviously just wanted someone to talk to.”

Me: “Then why don’t you go talk to him?”

(She gaped like a fish for a few seconds as my friend and I just stared at her, before gathering her things, getting up, and walking off… in the opposite direction from where the man was.)

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