Daddy Isn’t Welcome Here

, , , , , | Romantic | December 14, 2017

(I’m taking orders at the front end of the food stand, while the owner works the grill next to me, and my coworker — a burly middle-aged man — does prep at the back of the tent. I’m a female in my mid-20s, I have a lot of health issues, and my coworkers are a little protective of me.)

Customer: “I’d like one chocolate and one vanilla custard.”

Me: “Great, that’ll be $5. There’s about a three-minute wait. Can I get a name for the order?”

Customer: *winks lecherously* “Call me ‘Daddy.’ It’s pretty loud out here; you might have to scream it.”

Me: “Next customer, please!”

(I keep serving, but I’m thoroughly creeped out. After a few minutes, the guy’s order comes up, and the owner notices me turning pale when he hands the food to me. After a quick explanation, he tells me to go take a break at the back. He then calls up my coworker and they talk briefly.)

Coworker: *bellowing* “Hey, Daddy!”

(The customer walks up, looking nervous.)

Coworker: “Here’s your $5. We are refusing you service.”

Customer: “What? No! I want my food! Make her serve me my food!”

Coworker: “Sir, my daughter is not going to serve you food. My son, on the grill, is not going to make you food. Take your money and get out, a**hole.”

Customer: “F***!” *storms off*

(He left his $5 behind. I got his food AND the money.)

The Beard Is Feared

, , , , | Friendly | December 11, 2017

(This happens in the days before self-service petrol stations. We are heading to a fancy dress party, with my male cousin dressed as a woman.)

Service Attendant: *approaching the driver’s window from behind and noticing what looks like a gorgeous redhead in the driver’s seat* “Hi, honey, what can I get you today? How about my phone number?”

Cousin: *giggling like a girl and acting embarrassed, with his hands covering his lower face, turns, and bats his eyes at the attendant* “Ooh, can you fill it up please?”  

Service Attendant: *winking and smiling* “Sure thing, honey.”

Cousin: *using his normal, deep, male voice* “And hurry up about it.”

Service Attendant: *looks back in shock at my cousin, who has now revealed his bearded chin*

(After we drive away and are all having a good laugh:)

Cousin: “That felt so good. I can’t understand how you lot have to put up with that sort of s*** constantly. The look on his face was so worth it.”

Plan Ruined By A Single Response

, , , , , | Romantic | December 4, 2017

(I am a teller at a bank. An elderly man comes up to my window.)

Elderly Man: “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Elderly Man: “Are you married?”

(Older customers tend to be chatty, so I’m used to this line of questions.)

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Elderly Man: “Are you single?”

Me: *getting slightly weirded out by the way he’s looking at me* “Yes.”

Elderly Man: “Do you have a boyfriend?”

(At this point, I’m just ready for him to go, and I’ve finished his transaction.)

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Elderly Man: “Oh, too bad. I was going to kidnap you.” *calmly walks away*

(Apparently having a boyfriend means I can’t be kidnapped!)

Getting Checked Out At Check Out

, , , , , , , | Romantic | November 29, 2017

(A random guy walks up to my register and winks before I’ve even said anything.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Is this all today?”

Customer: “Are you for sale?” *winks*

Me: “No.” *starts ringing up items*

Customer: “Too bad. I’d buy you in a heartbeat.”

Me: “Your total is $23.37.”

Customer: “Can you make change? I know money is a hard thing for girls.” *laughs*

Me: *bites tongue, hands him his change* “Thank you. Have a good day.”

Customer: “So, when can I take you on a date?”

Me: “Not interested.”

Customer: *winks* “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Me: “Not interested, and engaged.” *calling to person behind him* “Can I help the next guest?”

Customer: “No! You aren’t, you lying b****! You’re not wearing any ring!”

Me: *pulls out ring on necklace* “Yes, I am. They don’t let us wear rings because they rip the gloves. Next guest, please!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, look me up if you two break up, sugar.” *winks and walks off*

Next Customer: *as she comes up to my register* “What an a**hole.”

Looking For Someone To Help, 18+

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2017

(An older customer enters the shop. He’s from somewhere in the Balkans and doesn’t speak German very well. Usually he just walks past our counter to enter the 18+ section, for which we have to ID people. This time, however, he stops in front of the counter and pulls a sheet of paper out of his jacket. It’s a letter from the town council that says he has been approved to employ somebody to help him in his home. He points towards the part where he’s circled the salary.)

Customer: “Look, here.”

Me: *glancing at the letter* “Umm, what about it?” *wondering if he needs something explained*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “I’m not sure what you want me to do.”

Customer: “Would you do that?”

Me: “Are you asking me if I would work for you?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *taken aback* “No.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I have a full-time job here that I really like, and I’m not looking for anything else. Besides, I’m not even qualified. I think you have to go to the job-center or one of the social services agencies.”

Customer: “But you did… social?”

Me: “No, I didn’t. Ever.”

(I have a former coworker who was in training as a child-care worker, with whom he has probably confused me, but I’m not in the mood to point that out.)

Customer: “But you could still…”

Me: “No. I’m neither qualified nor interested. I can’t help you with that.”

Customer: *looks crestfallen and shuffles towards the 18+ section*

(I don’t know what’s worse: That he just asked a random person without proper qualification to work for him and take care of him, or that he actually expected me to knowingly work for a horny old man who reeks of baby powder and watches porn regularly.)

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