You’re In Trouble, No Ifs Or Slapped Butts

, , , , | | Related | May 25, 2018

(I’m at a very popular local event known for its obnoxious drunk patrons. I’ve already dealt with a few uncomfortable situations, so I’ve decided to keep my phone out to record any altercations. I’m standing in line for some food and I feel someone slap my butt, and I hear some very crude remarks and laughter.)

Me: *turning around* “I’m letting you know right now that this is being recorded and… Uncle [Uncle]?”

Uncle: *going pale* “Oh, my God, [My Name]? You, uh, think you could just do me a favor and delete that video?”

Me: “No, I don’t think I will. In fact, I think my father would be very interested in this. See you at Thanksgiving.”

(I did show my family. My uncle and his wife were furious and won’t speak to me now. They didn’t show up for Thanksgiving.)

When Feminists Need Defense

, , , , , | | Friendly | May 23, 2018

(I am at the gym, using the back and leg weight machines while reading an interesting hardcover book I brought with me. I think it is very appropriate to be reading this one in the gym, since it’s about self-defense tactics for women. The book has a long sentence as a title, and one of the many words in it is “feminist,” used as an adjective. I’m a young woman. Some random young guy comes right up to me while I’m sitting at the back-extension machine.)

Random Guy: “Hi there. It really looks like that book is fascinating. What is it about?”

Me: *wondering where this is going* “It’s about self-defense.” *looks back down at the book*

Random Guy: “Oh.”

(He looks at me for a beat, then, without a word, extends his hand, takes hold of the top of the book and, while I’m reading it, tilts it upright so he can look at the cover. He looks for all of one second, then:)

Random Guy: “Oh. It’s about ‘Fehhhminism.’ Why didn’t you just say it’s about ‘Fehhhminism’?”

Me: *speechless*

(I said nothing, just stared him down in sheer disbelief at his gall until he seemed to get the message and went away. Really, it’s like he was going for top award at the Mansplaining Competition — “explaining” to me what the book I was in the middle of reading at that moment was “actually” about, from his own grand expertise of skimming the title, with extra bonus irony points for the coincidental involvement of the word “feminist.”)

Triple Threat

, , , | | Romantic | May 21, 2018

(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after work for beer and a burger. Sometimes she does come for lunch with her boyfriend and/or her female best friend. The problem comes when her boyfriend and best friend come in together for dinner and act romantically towards each other. My coworkers and I all agreed that we should stay out of things, but a bar regular — who has been hitting on her unsuccessfully for months — decides to say something the next time the woman is in.)

Bar Regular: “You need to dump that a**hole boyfriend of yours.”

Woman: “One, he’s not an a**hole. Two, why would I dump him?”

Bar Regular: “He’s cheating on you with [Friend].”

Woman: “No, he’s not.”

Bar Regular: “You didn’t see them in here last night. They were all over each other.”

Woman: “Thanks for telling me, but it’s not what you think.”

Bar Regular: “I think you’re in denial. Just dump him and I’ll take you out somewhere nice.”

Woman: “Not going to happen. I mean, what would my girlfriend say?”

Bar Regular: “What?”

Woman: “[Friend], my girlfriend. Not that it’s any of your business, but I think she might say something if I dump our boyfriend for going out with her. So, no thanks.”

(The bar regular hasn’t spoken to her again since.)

That’s Not Very Lice

, , , , | | Friendly | May 20, 2018

(I’m sixteen and my sister is seven. I’m a natural brunette while my sister is a natural ginger. We’re with our mother, shopping. My mom is hearing impaired and also a ginger. While mom is looking at some products in the opposite end of the aisle, I take care of my own half of the shopping list.)

Woman: *playing with my sister’s hair* “Oh, aren’t you just the cutest thing?”

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t touch my sister without permission.”

Woman: “Oh, don’t worry dear; she doesn’t seem to mind. I don’t bite.”

(My sister is very shy and goes mute with people she doesn’t know. The woman is obviously not listening and Mom probably won’t hear me. Being the immature teen I am…)

Me: “Ma’am, she has a bad case of lice. Please stop touching her hair.”

(The woman goes pale and runs towards the bathrooms. My mom catches up with us, very confused.)

Mom: “Why was that woman running like she saw the devil?”

Me: “She wouldn’t stop playing with [Sister]’s hair, so I told her she has lice.”

Sister: “Yup.”

Mom: *laughing* “I had a similar thing happen when you were a toddler, [My Name], and I said the exact same thing.”


You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 8

, , , , , | | Right | May 17, 2018

(I work as a customer service rep in medical billing, taking calls from people who have received bills. As with most businesses, our calls can be monitored by supervisors for quality control.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Medical Center]. May I have the account number on your bill, please?”


Me: “Hello? May I have your account num—”

(A moan and heavy breathing.)

Me: “I think you need to call a 900 number, sir.”

(Across the room, I could hear my supervisor burst out laughing. I’m just glad she found it as funny as I did.)

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 6

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