There Is Snow Reason Not To Celebrate

, , , , , , | Working | October 23, 2017

(It has been cold for a few weeks now, and our university has already shut down once due to ice and snow. My department works for the university, and shuts down when the school does. There is more snow on the weather forecast for today.)

Coworker: *peering out the window* “There’s the snow! Finally.”

Supervisor #1: “All right! Who’s up for some day drinking? We can go to [on-campus Pub] just like last time we shut down early.”

Supervisor #2: *pulls a bottle of what looks like champagne from underneath his desk*

Supervisor #1: “Oh! You’re so prepared!”

A Piercing Attack From Chauvinism

, , , , | Romantic | October 23, 2017

(I work at a world-renowned brand of high class hotels, and most people are pretty surprised when they see me in a suit with piercings in my face — I have a nose ring and spider bites on my mouth. Most people are pretty supportive and interested, or at least polite, but then this encounter happens:)

Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you today?”

Elderly Gentleman: “What’s that in your face? Stitches? A birth mark?”

Me: “No, sir! They’re piercings.”

Elderly Gentleman: “Oh, God, don’t even go there. I hate that. I won’t even date someone with facial piercings.”

Me: *smiling through gritted teeth* “Well, that works for me, because I wear them as a deterrent for men who assume that I dress for their pleasure.”

This Shift Is On Fire Tonight

, , , | Right | October 20, 2017

(I’m working a late night, bored out of my skull, when a well-dressed young man comes in and grabs a candy bar and a soda, etc. When he comes to check out, I’m just trying to be friendly and hope the night ends quickly.)

Customer: “Hey! How are you doing tonight?”

Me: “Oh, fantastic! Yourself?”

(The young man smiles a wry grin and flips out his wallet. A ball of flame a foot high shoots from it, and I’m scared out of my skin, nearly falling over onto the floor.)

Customer: “Just great! Boring night, eh?”

Me: “I, uh… Yeah. Nice and slow.”

(The man snapped his wallet again, and a slightly weaker puff of fire belched out. I caught a glimpse of some kind of mechanism in his wallet. The sale concluded normally, though I asked for a break from my manager to make sure that it really happened, and that my eyebrows hadn’t been singed off.)

And You’re Mean To Boot

, , , , , | Romantic | October 18, 2017

(My husband and I are getting ready for the day when following conversation happens.)

Me: “I told someone on the internet that they are wrong. Someone attacked my personality and I had to start a debate, you know? And a person kept trying to conjure some arguments, but all they got was a set of logical fallacies. I was forced to point them out. The person kept trying. I kept pointing out why my statement is correct and their argument has no ground. I think the other person was more invested in proving me wrong. And I had fun. I am so mean.”

Husband: “You are not mean. You just want to wipe your feet on them.”

Me: “Not my feet. My muddy boots.”

Husband: “Okay. Your shoes?”

Me: “My. Muddy. Boots.”

Husband: “I take it back. You are mean.”

Mama And Papa New Guinea

, , , , , | Friendly | October 17, 2017

(My friend lives alone in Canada and I live in the US. We spend all of our free time online chatting. She has recently purchased a baby poofy guinea pig as a pet, since her apartment building won’t allow cats or dogs. She has raised guinea pigs before, so she knows what to do. After a couple months, my friend sadly messages me.)

Friend: “I think my guinea pig is dying.”

Me: “Oh, no!”

Friend: “Yeah. She doesn’t move around at all anymore and hasn’t really eaten the past couple of days. I’ll message you later; I’m going for a walk.”

(My friend goes for a walk and then comes home, texting me.)

Friend: “Well, I think my guinea pig is doing better!”

Me: “Really? Awesome!”

Friend: “Yeah! She threw up a couple hairballs and now seems to have more energy.”

Friend: “Oh, God! The hairballs are breathing! It’s babies! She’s having babies! What do I do?!”

Me: “Aww! Let nature take over. She’ll know what to do.”

Friend: “I don’t know how to take care of babies!”

Me: “Relax!”

Friend: “BUT SHE WAS A BABY WHEN I GOT HER! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!”

(We discovered later that guinea pigs mate at a very young age if not separated quickly; the store had not separated them quickly enough!)

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