Adopted Inhumanly Fast

, , , , , | Right | February 12, 2019

I was working at my volunteer job, socializing cats at the local animal shelter, when I noticed that we had a new kitten in with the name of Phil. A young couple entered and began examining our kittens, when suddenly I heard one of them say, “Phil? His first name is Agent!”

Unsurprisingly, Phil was swiftly adopted.

Working With A Slytherin

, , , , | Working | February 11, 2019

(I’m female, but not a girly-girl. I work at a thrift store. I am working my way through my in-bin, sorting donated shoes. I grab a sneaker and something inside it moves. I’ve heard stories of coworkers finding live mice inside of things before. Our area is considered to be high desert, so of course, less savory things could potentially be inside my shoes. I freeze as the light reflects off of something shiny and segmented. And it’s pretty big. For just a second, my heart seizes. Normally, insects and spiders don’t bother me too terribly much. But on the other hand, I am NOT keen on finding myself with a giant, irate, venomous creature in my collection of footwear. I hold very still for a heartbeat. Nothing moves. I carefully jostle the shoe again, and it moves again, and I get a better look. Segmented legs, but they’re plastic. I breathe again. I extract a pretty realistic toy scorpion out of the shoe. Was it some random kid’s toy that got mixed in by accident? Nope. There’s a price sticker on the bottom of this thing. OUR PRICE STICKER. From this month. I turn and walk kitty-corner across the aisle, holding the scorpion toy by the tail, to the toy processing area.)

Me: *equal parts sweet, sarcastic, and menacing, as I hold up the toy* “[Coworker], dearest… my sweet, wonderful… innocent… darling… coworker… Why was there a scorpion in one of my shoes?”

Coworker: *grins at me, mischievous* “Because I put it there. I’m surprised you didn’t squeal. I was kind of hoping for one.”

(I give him a dirty look and drop the toy into his hand.)

Me: “You’re an a**hole. And unfortunately for you, insects don’t bug me that much.”

Coworker: “I’ve got rubber snakes if you want!”

(I roll my eyes, grab an equally realistic rubber snake toy, loop it around my neck and parade off with it.)

Me: “Good luck scaring me with snakes!”

Must Have Seen The Rob Zombie Version

, , , , , | Related | February 11, 2019

(When my brother is six he decides he is going to watch the After School Special on delivering a baby. My mom tries to talk him out of it but he is determined! And since it is factual stuff she finally relents and lets him watch it. When it is done…)

Mom: “So, what did you learn about babies being born?”

Brother: “Well, first a mommy and daddy kiss a lot, and then the mommy eats a lot and gets fat. Then they go to the hospital, and they cut her open, and then they take the baby out, and then they sew her up with a sewing machine.”

Unfiltered Story #139432

, , , | Unfiltered | February 10, 2019

(I work in a call center in the comments/suggestions department. This is my first call of the day.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company] comments and suggestions, this is [my name] speaking, how can I be of service today?”

Customer: “Hi, [my name], I want to start by telling you that I am in an extremely bad mood and that I realize that this is not your fault personally; I am just mad at [company], so if I am rude or aggressive in any way, I apologize.”

(The customer was actually the nicest call I had all day. I took down her complaint and flagged it as priority so that somebody would get to it quickly because she tried very hard not to yell at me for the company’s mistakes.)

Unfiltered Story #139428

, , | Unfiltered | February 10, 2019

I work in a shop that sells leather crafting supplies and saddlery. A customer comes in looking a little lost and wanders past the stamping tools for leather.

Customer: “What are these for?”

Me: “They’re stamps for putting designs into leather.”

Customer: “But you could probably brand a hamster with one too, right?”

Me: …….

He left the store immediately after dropping what turned out to be a glass crack pipe that shattered all over our floor.

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