There’s Really Only One Place It Could Be…

, , , , , | Healthy | December 14, 2018

(I am in labor at the hospital. My midwife comes in to check how it is going and to feel the baby’s position for delivery. After feeling my belly she says:)

Midwife: “I cannot find the baby.”

Me: “Well, I am pretty sure that he didn’t come out yet, so he must be somewhere inside.”

They Just Can’t Quite Cut The Mustard

, , , , , | Working | December 10, 2018

(I pull into the drive-thru at a nationwide fast food joint, one that I’ve been going to for eons.)

Worker: “Hi. Can I take your order?”

Me: “Sure. I’ll have a #6, but without mustard, large size. with a [Soda].”

Worker: “No problem.”

(I watch her punch it into the computer as it shows up on my screen and notice that she does not put “no mustard” in there. So, I drive up to her window.)

Worker: “Okay, that will be [total].”

Me: *hands her my card* “Here you go. Oh, and please make sure that my hamburger doesn’t have mustard on it.”

Worker: “Oh, that hamburger doesn’t come with mustard. That’s why I didn’t put it in.”

Me: “I’ve been ordering the same thing for years, and it’s always had mustard on it; when did it change?”

Worker: “Oh, you must be wrong; it’s never had mustard.”

Me: “It always has, for the many years I have been ordering it. Can you please make sure they don’t put mustard on it?”

Worker: “It doesn’t come with mustard, sir. I don’t need to tell them.”

Me: “Please go tell them, anyway, or give me my card back and I’ll go someplace else.”

Worker: “I already charged your card, but here.”

(She hands me my card back, and I’m about to ask for a manager, when a manager happens to come by the window.)

Manager: *to worker* “Is there a problem?”

Worker: “He ordered a #6 and says he doesn’t want mustard on it, but I’ve told him it doesn’t come with mustard.”

Manager: *to worker* “A #6 does come with mustard! Ugh, now I have to have them remake it. Next time just punch it into the computer.”

Manager: *to me* “Sorry about this.”

(A few minutes later:)

Manager: *to me* “Here you go. I threw in a chocolate cake for you. I’m sorry about her; she’s new, but she thinks she knows everything already.” *sighs*

(I visited that place many times after that and never saw her working there again.)

Give It Another Two Hundred Years

, , , , | Related | December 7, 2018

(While visiting my family, the conversation turns to how well-meaning people can still say ugly things.)

Dad: “You know, at a party back in college I was chatting with this attractive Asian woman. I told her I was really impressed with how good her English was, since I was still struggling with my own accent. She gave me a look, and said, ‘My family has lived here for two hundred years, and we run one of the largest ranches in the state.’”

Me: “Ouch, you were That Guy.”

Dad: “It gets worse. A month later I was at a party chatting to an attractive Asian woman…”

Me: “Oh, geez, same person?”

Dad: “Yep.”

Me: “Seriously? I should be glad you’re so inept with women; otherwise, you’d have found someone before Mom, and I wouldn’t be here.”

Unfiltered Story #129055

, , , | Unfiltered | December 2, 2018

Me: “Thank you for calling Tech Support. My name is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Your phone gave me PTSD.”

Unfiltered Story #128478

, , , | Unfiltered | November 29, 2018

(In Oregon gas stations are full service. I pull up to the pump and there is an out of order bag on the nozzle for regular gas.)

Fuel Attendant: “Hello, do you need regular today?”

Me: “No V-Power.”

Fuel Attendant: “Okay, I was going let you know regular was out of order on this pump.”

Me: “Oh yeah, I I’m not one of those customers. I can actually read signs.”

Fuel Attendant: *laughs*

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