I’m on a foraging tour in a large wild forest in Oregon. We’re learning about the types of mushrooms, berries, plants, etc.

Tourist: “Are all these mushrooms edible?”

Tour Guide: “Technically, all mushrooms are edible, but some only once.”

Other Tourist: “I think technically all mushrooms are only edible only once… unless you like partially digested mushrooms.”

Tour Guide: “True, but saying ‘all mushrooms are edible only once, but some will make it so that you don’t live long enough to digest future mushrooms’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

Other Tourist: “I guess…”

Tourist: “I have no idea what you two are talking about! I just want to know if these mushrooms are edible?”

Tour Guide: “Yes, but poisonous.”

Tourist: “Oh my god! Then just say that!”

Later, on the tour:

Tourist: “Are all these berries edible?”

Tour Guide: “Technically, all berries…”

We all look at the tour guide.

Tour Guide: “…just ask if they’re poisonous or not, okay?!”

I moved into my own apartment some years ago. As soon as I was living on my own, I made it a point to go to the local animal shelter and adopt a cat, something I’d been wanting to do but wasn’t allowed to while still living with my mom.

I found a wonderful fluffball who was wildly enthusiastic about me from the moment she laid eyes on me and has never lost any of that affection (seriously, she’s sleeping on my arm while I’m typing this). But I made the decision before I adopted her that she would be an indoor-only pet. There are many reasons for this, mostly out of concern for her safety: I live near a busy intersection, plus I don’t want her fighting with the foxes, raccoons, other cats, or the like in the neighborhood, or scavenging from the garbage dumpster.

Well, of course, being a cat, my not letting her out the door just made her even more obsessed with the mystery of ‘Outside’. And I was very careful and very diligent, but one day she slipped past me as my attention was momentarily diverted and made it out the door.

I wasn’t terribly worried that she’d disappear never to be seen again: as I said, she is very attached to me, and she even knows her own name and comes when I call her. So, she dashed out the door, down the steps, and onto the sidewalk.

Where she made a horrible discovery.

You see, the day she made her great escape, it was raining.

Which meant that outside was WET! And like most cats, she absolutely hates WET!

She stopped instantly, then turned around and dashed back into my apartment, and nine years later she never tried to get outside again.

The telephone at work rings and I answer it.

Me: “[Store name and location], we have NO Pokémon or One-Piece cards. How can I help you?”

I answer that way because 95% of calls I get are for those two cards.

Customer: “Hey, I was wondering if you could tell me the price and some details about the Samsung TV that is just outside your department?”

Me: “Of course! Give me one second to grab that info for you.” *I go and take pictures of the TV and info.* “Alright, it is a 65-inch Crystal, and it is $489.97.”

Customer: “Whooooa, no, not that one! It’s 53 inches!”

Me: “…They don’t come in 53 inches. But give me another second to look at all the TVs on display out front.”

I go and take more pictures. I do this because I have a horrible memory and it is faster than writing it all down.

Me: “So the only Samsung out there is the 65-inch. I do have a Roku TV that is a 43-inch and a Hisense which is a 55-inch. Could it be one of those two?”

Customer: “No! It was a 53-inch Samsung! It is RIGHT OUTSIDE your department!”

Me: “Um, no, sir. I am standing right next to them. We’ve only had those three up for months.”

He came in the next day and got me again and was completely confused about why the non-existent TV he wanted wasn’t there, and yet the one we did have was the price he remembered from before…

Every couple of years, we get called in to do safety meetings. They take about fifteen people at a time and have them watch some boring video. 

This meeting was about what to do in case a gunman came into the store. But at the time, managers were telling everyone they couldn’t use certain words, like ‘gun’. For example, we have a device known as a spa-gun, used to check prices, and it is in the rough shape of a gun. We were told to change it to ‘spa-unit’. No one did. 

So the manager is trying to explain that the video might be graphic and upsetting and is trying not to use words like gun, attack, or shooting… He’s using words he found in a thesaurus. My coworker is sitting next to me and is utterly confused.

Coworker: “What the heck is he talking about?”

Me: “Oh, you know…. Bang bang, he shot me down. Bang bang, I hit the ground. Bang bang, that awful sound.”

Coworker: “Ohhh! Well, why didn’t he just say that?!”

Together: *Quietly.* “Bang bang, my baby shot me down.”

My husband and I left our kids with our regular babysitter so we could have a date. When we came back, we asked how the kids had been.

Babysitter: “[Son] is so good with [Daughter] that I figured I’d teach him how to babysit her. He’s really good at it. Want to see?”

Me: “Sure, [Son], let’s see.”

[Babysitter] laid our daughter down on the couch, then our son came over and literally sat on top of her. He was careful not to apply his full weight, though, and [Daughter] giggled along as he wiggled around on top of her.

Babysitter: “See, he’s a natural babysitter! I taught him how to change her, too. Here [Son], can you change her?”

[Babysitter] handed toy cat ears to [son], who placed them on our daughter. He then tries to cover her with her blanket before pulling it off again like a magic trick.

Son: “She a cat!”

Babysitter: “You forgot poof! You can’t change someone into an animal without saying poof, it’s a rule!”

Son: “Oof. A cat!”

Babysitter: “There you go, perfect! He insists he’s already fed her a bottle, so now all we need to do is teach him how to put her down for a nap, and I’ll be out of a job.”

Yeah, our babysitter is a bit odd at times, but [Son] loves her and refuses to let anyone else babysit him, so I guess we’re stuck with the insanity.