Mister Cellophane, The Early Years

, , , , , , | Learning | April 5, 2020

For some reason, my twelfth-grade English teacher has trouble noticing I’m in the room. She was also my teacher for tenth and eleventh grade English without issue, just to add the confusion.

And I’m not imagining things either: I end up accidentally marked absent a few times because she fails to see me raising my hand or hear me calling out, “Here!” when she says my name during roll-call.

I end up having to ask the student next to me to answer for me for the rest of the year. He also takes it upon himself to point out to the teacher when I have my hand raised to answer questions in class. It’s not uncommon for the teacher to ask a question about whatever we’re discussing, me to raise my hand, her to ask incredulously if really no one knows the answer, and the student next to me to raise his hand to say that mine’s been up the whole time. The absences always get fixed and my grade is unaffected, so it’s pretty funny that I’m “invisible.”

The icing on the cake came the last week of school before graduation. The class president gave our English a picture frame with several pictures of our class, explaining that it was for her to remember us by. However, there was an oversight…

I took every single picture in the frame. The other sixty-eight students in my class were each in at least one picture, but I was in none of them. I really am invisible to that teacher!

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Not The Same Man Coming Out

, , , , , | Right | April 4, 2020

I am working in a sandwich shop. We have no problem letting people use the bathroom. 

One time, a man enters the restaurant. He has a large and thick beard on his face that makes us assume he is homeless. He goes directly to our bathroom. I am busy serving another customer so I don’t see him clearly when he gets out of the bathroom, but something is off.

His beard has disappeared!

He shaved his face and there is now hair all over the sink and on the floor.

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Did Her Brain Stop Working, Too?

, , , , , , , , | Working | April 4, 2020

My husband and I both ordered a salad and entree each with our waitress, who appeared to write a bit on a notepad.

His salad came out and, after waiting a bit for mine before starting, he finally took a couple bites. Then, our entrees came.

We flagged our waitress to tell her I had never received my own salad.

She said, “Well, my pen stopped working,” and kind of looked at us for a moment and walked away.

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He Sounds Like A Real Catch

, , , , | Romantic | April 4, 2020

My 23-year-old brother-in-law is a six in looks and a two in personality. He is the youngest out of four siblings, so on top of having the spoiled baby syndrome, he is egotistical, selfish, and condescending. He is not above making fun of things like speech impediments to make himself feel superior or talking down to people, despite being the kind of guy who could easily be hit by a bus by not looking both ways.

He also is an electrical engineer which, for non-engineers, means he has a God-complex and is always right. And for whatever reason, this catch of a man thinks he deserves the perfect woman by his standards: a ten physically and a fifteen intellectually and a personality that matches him, despite never taking the time to get to know any of these girls. It is sufficient to say that he is squarely single and can’t figure out why from these encounters:

Date #1: He decides not to see a girl after having sex on the first date, because it was “just okay.” Naturally, he ghosts her.

Date #2: He decides not to see a girl again because she is an ER nurse and he is offended that she is late to their first date.

Date #3: Potential girlfriend refuses to get physical and just wants to hold hands because this is her first date ever.

Date #4: The girl is religious so that makes her automatically insane.

Date #5: She hasn’t seen one obscure anime, so she must have lied to him about liking anime.

The list of his jerky exploits goes on and on and on as he picks out a new insecure girl only to reject them in a horrible, self-righteous manner. I think he is going to be single for a while. If only he would stop going on dates and screwing with these poor girls.

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Bath Time Is The Perfect Time To Be Gross

, , , , | Related | April 4, 2020

My sister and I live on different continents, so we keep in touch through lots of video calls. This also allows me to keep up with my niece and nephew, both toddlers.

I’ve spent time on the phone talking with them, eating with them, singing to them, and listening to crying, arguments, and tantrums. I’ve also been on video chats during bath time. I’ve heard a lot of hilarious things over the past two and a half years, but this has been the best, without a doubt.

After hearing my sister telling someone to stop peeing in the tub, emptying it, and refilling it, I suddenly heard, “No! Stop! Give me that booger right now!”

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. She explained that the older one was waving around a giant booger on his hand and getting waaay too close to his little sister. She also agreed that it was one of the most absurd things she had ever had to say. Of course, my nephew thought we were laughing at him and tried to do it again.

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