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A “Crappy Customer” Joke Would Be Too Obvious

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2022

When I worked in retail, a middle-aged man would sometimes drop off his mother to shop. She was a little odd but nothing concerning (or so we thought).

One day, she defecated in the fitting room, and I was the supervisor who got to clean it up. We found the shirt she used to wipe herself in the racks later. She’d put it back herself.

The customer bathroom was barely ten feet away.

And In One Quick Puff, They Were Gone

, , , , , , | Working | January 12, 2022

Every time the weather gets bad, the staff from the office next door use the alcove under my office window for their smoke breaks. Frankly, it stinks, they never pick up after themselves, and I’m sick of having to hear them loudly gossip and cackle to themselves.

I complained to the building manager and to the other office’s building company, but any change was only temporary. I considered many things that would only get me into trouble. I couldn’t even accidentally spill water on them as there is a lip.

So, I got petty, really petty. Every time I heard them, I recorded who was there and when, and more importantly, for how long.

I requested information about a job vacancy they had open, and soon, I had everything I needed.

I sent my list of all the long breaks the employees were taking. I even had their names as they were so loud. Better yet, because all the email addresses started with “firstname.lastname” and their names were on the “Contact Us” page of their website.

I was able to CC them in.

Suddenly, no one smoked under my window and my office stopped stinking of old smoke.

Starting Drivers’ Ed A Little Early

, , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2022

When I was young, my mom picked me up at my preschool, but after taking me to the car, realized she needed to talk to the teachers about something. I didn’t want to go back in, so she told me I could stay in the car for a minute while she ran to ask my teachers a quick question so long as I promised not to leave the car.

Excited to be alone, I immediately headed up to the front seat and pretended to drive, as any young kid would do. I pushed all the buttons and pulled all the levers I could find, and one of those was the parking brake. Somehow, I successfully pulled it while playing, not realizing that it did something even when the car was parked. The next thing I knew, the car went rolling backward down the hill the parking lot was on.

It only rolled a little way before coming to a stop — we weren’t on that steep a hill — but I was still scared. Not wanting to be caught, I immediately crawled back into the back seat and buckled myself in, hoping no one would notice.

My mom seemed to take forever to come back out while I waited anxiously. In fact, she did come out almost immediately, but I’d rolled far enough back that she could no longer see the car behind the daycare building. She had run back in to ask for help when she thought the car and I were stolen before eventually coming far enough out to see where the car had rolled to.

She came and freaked out when she saw me nearly crying from worry. I tried to play it off as if the car had always been where it was and I didn’t know why she was concerned, not that she bought that for a second.

Luckily for me, she was so thankful I was okay that she didn’t care enough to punish me. And besides, I technically never did leave the car, as promised! However, it was quite a while before I was trusted to be alone in a car again.

It’s Sure No Walk In The Park

, , , , , | Related | January 8, 2022

When my sister and I were still young — I think I was still in elementary school — my father had read something about part of the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal being opened up as a hiking path. He thought it would be good exercise and history for us to walk from a starting point into town, pick up dinner, and walk back to our car. He estimated it would only take a few hours based on how long it usually took him to walk that long a path.

Unfortunately for all of us, my father is not the best planner. His first mistake was confusing the length of the path from our starting point to town as being the full round-trip length, thus underestimating the full length by half. He also failed to account for how much slower tired kids walked compared to trained military men.

Thus, we got to the city later than he had anticipated the entire trip would take. It was already starting to get a little dark by the time we had found someplace to get dinner and we still had a long walk back ahead of us. My father had the bright idea of cutting through the woods to the nearby road to find a quicker way back to his car. I’m honestly not sure what he planned to do even if he did beat us back since cars couldn’t go on the walking path. Meanwhile, my sister and I were sent along the path with our mother.

Us kids got slower and slower as we grew increasingly tired and it grew darker, further delaying the walk back. Eventually, it was nearly pitch dark out. Despite the path being more than large enough for the three of us to walk abreast as it grew dark, my sister started to get afraid that she would fall into either the river on one side of the path or the now drained canal on the other side, so I let her take the middle spot, leaving me, her two-years-younger brother on the side near the canal and my mother to brave falling into the river. My sister also demanded frequent rest breaks as time went on, not that I minded these, as I was also pretty exhausted.

During one of these rest breaks, we suddenly noticed some moving lights. We eventually realized they were flashlights and called out to find a small group of two or three folks who had been hunting for us. They encouraged us to manage the last tiny bit of the walk to a small off-road car — which looked more like a golf cart — with emergency markings on it. 

It took us to a nearby parking lot where we found both an ambulance and a fire truck parked and waiting, lights still flashing.

Apparently, once my father got lost trying to take the shortcut to the car, he knocked on a door to ask for directions, only to find that the house belonged to a volunteer firefighter. Upon hearing my father’s explanation, he had called in the cavalry, despite my dad protesting that it would be overkill. We apparently had multiple search teams out looking for us across the canal.

We got to ride the ambulance back to our car, which little me found rather interesting, though hardly worth the torment of the evening for the experience. My legs and feet were sore for days after from the forced marching. From that day on, whenever my dad tried to plan anything at all, the family would remind him of the Canal and insist that my mother do the actual planning.

Their Brains Are Closed For Business

, , , | Right | January 7, 2022

I work in food service as a supervisor. The back of the house is very big and it’s impossible to hear if an employee is outside waiting to get in, so I unlock the door when I come in.

Our hours are posted in very large print right on the front door. It says very clearly that we open at 11:00 am. Yet every day, customers will come in at 10:00, or 9:00, or sometimes even 8:30.

When I tell them we don’t open until 11:00, half of them complain that the door was open. I wish I could tell them, “I’m sorry. Must be hard not being able to read!”

I wonder if they like to walk into anyone’s home whose door is unlocked, too.