Unfiltered Story #184554

, | Unfiltered | February 3, 2020

(This takes place at about 6:10 PM, around ten minutes after customer service has closed for the day and only tech support are still open.)
Me: [ISP], this is [me] at your service.
Customer (sounding very nice and polite): Good evening. I would like to go over my bill please.
(Note: in Tech Support, we have very little training as far as anything that isn’t technical is involved, and we’re not supposed to have anything to do with billing.)
Me: Unfortunately, you just missed Customer Service by about ten minutes. They’re open tomorrow between [hours] and they’ll be happy to help you then. Is there anything I can help you with in Yech Support?
Customer: [ISP] is a s***** company! *slams phone down*

Massaging The Truth To Make Them Happy

, , , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(I’m new at this massage clinic. A regular comes in and informs me that she has chronic lower back pain. I proceed to work on her, and after our time is up, she approaches the receptionist, aka my boss.)

Boss: “How was your treatment?”

Patient: “It was all wrong. I don’t know what he was doing, but this was no massage.”

Boss: “I’m sorry to hear that, but you see, different masseurs have different techniques and…”

Me: “How’s your back pain, ma’am?”

Patient: “Well, it’s gone, but again, this was no proper massage! I’ve been coming here twice a month for years, and I’ve never received this kind of… whatever it was! Every other masseur has done it properly!”

Me: “And was the pain gone after any of those previous treatments?”

Patient: “No, but what does that have to do with it? This was not a proper massage!”

(The boss and I exchanged meaningful glances.)

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The Shanghai Express To Berlin

, , , , , | Learning | January 7, 2020

(A student, a well-dressed woman who appears to be in her fifties, approaches our circulation desk.)

Woman: “I need information about this German woman, her name is Marlene something…”

Me: “Marlene Dietrich?”

(I’m a bit surprised, though, as this college doesn’t teach anything related to cinema.)

Woman: “No, actually, not Marlene, maybe something like Mark…”

Me: “Angela Merkel?”

Woman: “Yes!”

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We Know What He Likes More Than He Does  

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2019

(I work at a sex shop in Israel. In Israel, the word “gay” as a synonym to “homosexual” hasn’t sunk in among the elderly. An elderly customer walks in looking for a DVD. I see he has picked up a gay film.)

Me: “Erm, sir, this is a gay film.”

Elderly Customer: “What’s a gay film?”

Me: “Homosexuals, you know.”

Elderly Customer: “Well, I’ll give it a shot.”

Me: “Are you sure, sir?”

(He starts to get agitated.)

Elderly Customer: “Sure! I know what I like! You think you know me better than me?!”

Me: “All right, sir, whatever you’d like.”

(The next day, I see him again.)

Elderly Customer: “What the f*** is wrong with this film? There are only men in it!”

(How he missed that, considering the very detailed cover, is beyond me.)

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War Is A Cartoon Joke

, , , , , | Learning | December 9, 2019

(I live in Israel where military service is mandatory and there’s no shortage of conflicts. But as a mostly non-political cartoonist, I tend to stay away from this subject when drawing, except for this one time. I am sitting in the house of a thirteen-year-old kid to whom I am giving private lessons in illustration. While he works on the comic I assigned him to draw, I sit down to work on my own comic series, which is about stories from my life. He leans over and reads the page I’m working on. It talks about me preparing to get on a bus and head to fight in a war.)

Student: “You were in a war?”

Me: “Yeah.”

(He takes a moment to process this, since this isn’t something I typically talk about, nor do I look like much of a typical “fighter.”)

Student: *now poking my shoulder with his stylus* “I’m just imagining you walking up to enemies on the battlefield and kind of… poking them with your drawing pen.”

(I stare at it for a moment before turning my sight back to my drawing.)

Me: “You’re joking, but I’ll have you know it was a pretty aggressive war.”

Student: *immediately looks regretful and withdraws the stylus* “S-Sorry.”

Me: “We lost a lot of–”

Student: *interjecting with guilt* “I apologize.”

Me: “–good pillows that day.”

(It was silent for a moment. Even though I was not looking directly at him he was glaring at me so hard I could basically feel it on the side of my head. He got up, threw his hands and stylus in the air, and noped out of the room as I burst out laughing.)

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