Sit Down, You’ll Like This One

, , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(Overheard at an airport:)

Ticketing Agent #1: *on phone* “No! He said the child was under age two when he made the reservation!”

Ticketing Agent #2: “Of all the gall…”

Me: “What happened?”

Ticketing Agent #1: “Children under two fly free, seated on a parent’s lap. Children over two have to have a seat. The flight was full, so he missed it because there wasn’t a seat available for his son.”

Ticketing Agent #2: “I don’t think he’ll try that again…”

Unfiltered Story #118171

| Unfiltered | August 9, 2018

(At the company I work for, customer service are open from 7am until 8pm. Tech support is open 24/7. This call comes in at 9:30pm)
Me: Tech support, this is [me]. How may I help you?
Caller: I heard that since I’ve been a loyal customer for five years, I’m supposed to get some kind of gift.
Me: Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about that, seeing as I’m tech support and customer service closed an hour and a half ago. I suggest you call them tomorrow, at [number], between 7am and 8pm. They’ll be able to help you with that.
Caller: [company name] is a s****y company! *click*

*blinks in confusion*

Superman And The Books Of Evil

, , , , , | Romantic | August 6, 2018

I usually have very vivid dreams — so vivid that sometimes I wake up confused as to why I’m not where I was in the dream. Tonight, I dreamed that my husband turned evil and came home with an evil Superman to destroy our books. I, of course, couldn’t let that happen, so I started punching them, kicking them, and trying to fight them, but they were ridiculously strong and nothing worked. At some point in the dream, they burned the books, so I poured some water over them. The bad guys then proceeded to spill an entire bucket of water over all the books, even those not burnt or burning.

I told my “evil” husband that he wasn’t allowed to touch the books unless he treated them with respect.

He made a noise, and then I smacked him in the face, only to realize with a start that it was a dream, because I actually smacked him in reality. He jumped up, super startled, and I could only apologize.

As I related to him the dream and the reason behind smacking him, we couldn’t stop laughing about the whole thing.

Might Be Hiding A BB Gun

, , , , , , | Working | August 1, 2018

(I am in the military. I am temporarily assigned to another unit, which requires me to report to another base. As I am the only person from my unit going there, no transportation is provided, and since I don’t have a car, I am traveling by bus, with all my usual equipment. I get off the first bus outside of Jerusalem’s central bus station and head inside to catch the next one I need. This being Jerusalem, the security is tight. The following ensues at the entrance:)

Security Guard: *to me* “Sir, I need to inspect your bag.”

(I show him my military ID, which is usually enough to avoid the hassle. Not this time.)

Security Guard: “Sir, I still need to inspect your bag.”

(I look down at myself, then at my sports bag.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight… I’m in full military uniform, which you can see. I’m carrying an assault rifle on a sling, openly, which you can see. There are a couple of ammo mags hanging on my belt, which you can see. My full combat vest, a helmet, and several more mags are wrapped around the outside of my bag, which you can also clearly see. And with all this in plain view, you are suspicious of what I may have inside my bag?”

(Yes, he still made me open the bag.)

In Uncharted Waters

, , , , | Related | July 5, 2018

(In the early to mid-90s, our family is on a barbecue picnic outing with several other families in a park. I’m around nine or ten, and the other families all also have kids about my age, or even younger. The adults are all busy putting together side dishes, arranging picnic supplies, and grilling meat. Meanwhile, us kids are just milling around or playing. There’s a bunch of supplies people brought just lying around on the ground and tables. After running around a bit, I happen to become thirsty, but we don’t have individual water bottles back then. So, not wanting to bother the adults, I just go over to the supplies and pick out what looks like a perfectly normal liter-sized soda bottle with clear water in it, and begin taking a drink, not touching the bottle itself with my mouth. All of a sudden:)

Adult #1: “Noooo!”

Adult #2: “Stop!”

Adult #3: “No! No! No!”

Adult #4: “Oh, my God, [My Name]! Don’t drink that!”

(Totally confused, I pull away from the bottle while several adults come running over in a panic, and take the bottle away with shocked faces.)

Me: “What? I just wanted some water!”

Adult #2: “Oh, Lord!”

Adult #4: “[My Name], that’s vodka!”

Me: “What?!”

Adult #4: “Didn’t you notice the taste?”

Me: “…”

(I somehow managed not to notice. Even as an adult, I can’t tolerate the taste of alcohol, so I can’t figure out how I wouldn’t have noticed it then. Maybe I never actually got any in my mouth. The other kids thought it was very funny and kept asking me afterwards what it tasted like. That bottle was completely unmarked regarding what it really contained, though, and during the brouhaha, no one seemed to own up to having brought it, though clearly everyone knew what was in it. Who does that on a picnic outing with young kids?)

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