I’m An Adult And I Wouldn’t Eat It, Either

, , , , , | Learning | CREDIT: _hylas | May 6, 2021

My parents used to try and pull the “if you don’t finish your food you can’t get up from the table” trick, but I’d say, “Fine,” and sit at the table for hours until they gave in. There was no phone, no TV, no anything — just me, some vegetables, and a set of exhausted parents. I was apparently totally capable of just… saying no and sticking to my guns.

Fast forward to a school trip. It’s lunchtime and on offer are sandwiches. A couple of kids have cheese and onion sandwiches, but the rest of us are being offered, insanely, pâté sandwiches. I think this is a crazy thing to feed a group of forty schoolchildren, but clearly, the school didn’t agree. I ask if I can have a cheese and onion sandwich and I’m told that no, I can’t, because I had to sign up for the vegetarian option in advance.

At this age, I have no idea what pâté is, but I can see it and smell it, and I know it’s not happening. I ask again for some cheese and onion sandwiches, and I’m told there’re none left and I’m going to have to eat the other kind.

I was an absolute model student up until the age of, like, sixteen, but there is this one teacher who absolutely hates me regardless. Think, “How dare you write in cursive when I haven’t taught you cursive yet?!” She seizes upon this opportunity.

Teacher: “Don’t be picky! You’re holding everyone up. You should just eat the sandwich.”

I’m poking this thing and the texture is totally freaking me out — my biggest issue with most foods.

Me: “Can I just skip lunch?”

Teacher: “No, absolutely not. You have to eat and you have to eat that sandwich.”

Me: “I’m not trying to be fussy, but if I try and eat that sandwich, I’m going to throw up.”

Teacher: “Stop being dramatic. You’re not going to throw up; you’re just a picky eater and you need to get over it.”

So, I bit into the sandwich, and not fifteen seconds later, I started throwing up everywhere. Clearly, [Teacher] was not expecting this and she had no idea how to react.

A bunch of the other teachers came over to check that everything was okay, and she tried to explain to them what had happened. They had to call my parents — as was the throwing up protocol — and they were very interested to know why the teacher had force-fed their child a lukewarm pâté sandwich.

In the end, they broke out the crisps and an apple because, unsurprisingly, there were things to eat other than meat paste in bread, and [Teacher] gave me a wide berth for a good few weeks.

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Dam, That’s A Good One

, , , , , | Learning | April 30, 2021

One April morning, the student body got an email.

“In an emergency announcement, it has been reported that the beavers that own [School] are tearing it down. It will be closed Friday, and on Monday, we will resume study in dams. I have included their locations and which students will be attending them in the attachment.

[Attachment]: Beaver Dam Classroom Arrangement

Mabel Syrup

CEO, Beaver Loan Corp”

When I opened the attachment, it had only two words:

“April Fools!”

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Advancements In Understanding

, , , , | Learning | April 25, 2021

My mother has worked for many years as a special needs teacher. A teenage schoolgirl has been diagnosed with a condition that makes it hard for her to read black letters on white pages; she sees the letters dance about on the page. This is quite easily corrected by using transparent coloured overlays, so the girl is given a set of these. Unfortunately, many older people think that having special educational needs is somehow shameful, and the girl’s father is one of them. He calls the office in a rage and is put through to my mother, the girl’s teacher.

Father: “My little girl isn’t stupid!”

Teacher: *Calmly* “Of course not. She just has a condition that means that black letters on white pages seem to move around.”

Father: *Confused* “But… isn’t that just how it is?”

It turned out that the condition was hereditary, and the father was delighted to find that his daughter’s coloured overlays helped him, as well. He had no further complaints.

This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of April 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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Any Tom, Dick, Or Kate…

, , , , | Learning | April 23, 2021

My name is Katharine; I also go by Kate or Katie. I am seven years old and clever but not bright. It’s the first day of school and we’re in gym, waiting for the teacher to take attendance. He gets to the student before me and then…

Teacher: “Kathy.”

I don’t say anything. I’m just wondering who this Kathy is that wasn’t in any of my other classes. 

Teacher: “Kathy?”

I’m looking around trying to see who I don’t recognize, but I don’t see anyone new.


Me: “Here!”

Teacher: “Why didn’t you answer when I called you?”

Me: *Baffled* “But you didn’t call me!”

The rest of the class “oooh”ed as if I’d pulled off some great insult, but I was just confused. The teacher asked my preference and called me Katie after that.

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The Free Lunch Was Only The Beginning Of The Perks

, , , , , , | Learning | April 20, 2021

I’m completing the final year of my apprenticeship for my company. They come around and ask us if we could volunteer to attend a school event to promote the company and potentially encourage the next generation of apprentices.

As soon as it’s clear that this won’t be paid as overtime and only for an extra day off, most of the guys refuse to help, moaning about “free labour.” However, I volunteer as I reckon that four hours worked on a Saturday for eight hours holiday is probably still a good deal.

We do the event and I enjoy it way more than I thought. Inspiring young minds and seeing how they handle the tasks is enjoyable. I help a few of the school kids and get some good feedback on the day. Plus, we get a free lunch and I am already planning what to do with my day off.

When I finish my apprenticeship, the other in my year and I are interviewed to see where we will be placed. There are a few hotly contested areas so we all want to do well.

Interviewer: “Sorry, but have we met?”

Me: “I’m not sure, sorry.”

Interviewer: “Didn’t you do that school event?”

Me: “Oh, yes, sorry. I recognise you.”

Interviewer: “I remember. You really took charge that day. I was impressed.”

Apprentice Manager: “You know, he volunteered that day without pay.” *Smiles at me*

Interviewer: “Really? Oh, that really shows dedication. Listen, we are going off track, but there is a really promising role in [department]. They have been looking for someone who is willing to learn and succeed. It’s not strictly an [ex]apprentice position, but I think they would consider you. What do you think?”

Me: “That’s great, thank you!”

It took some convincing, but I got the job! A couple of the other guys in my year tried to lodge a complaint, saying that they would have volunteered if they had known, or something, but it was thrown out before it got anywhere.

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