Like many professors during the current health crisis, I am teaching my class online from home. I have online office hours every day, and I tend to lock myself in my home office so I can have peace and quiet when I’m talking with my students.

This morning I am holding office hours with three of my students, answering questions about a lecture topic. After ten minutes of back and forth, there seems to be general agreement among the students, but I want to make sure.

Me: “How does everyone feel about that? Any more questions?”

There was a moment of silence followed by a very loud “MEOW.”

My students heard it and started laughing from three different time zones. They got it, but apparently, the cat had gotten stuck in the office and she definitely had a question.

We are nearing the beginning of the school year and I have a lady come up who is just livid — not with me or the store, but with the school.

Customer: “This is just stupid! Get this! I am paying for my child to go to [Private School], it costs a fortune, and they’re making me buy school supplies! This is just stupid!”

I finish ringing up her order. I look at the total and then look back to her.

Me: “This wouldn’t happen to be a Catholic School, would it?”

Customer: “Yeah. Why?”

Me: “Well, your total is… $6.66.”

The customer stares for a moment and then laughs.

Customer: “I think I need to buy a candy bar now.”

I get a lot of weird questions working at a school reception, but this one takes the biscuit for me.

Me: “Good morning, [School].”

Caller: “How do I make sure that something goes to the admin office?”

Me: “If you wish to get in touch with our administrators, I can happily provide the central email address.”

Caller: “No! How do I make sure that post goes to the basement office?”

Her tone is getting irate, and I’m worried that something so obvious sounding is going to upset her.

Me: “As long as the post has an addressee on the front, it will be handed to that person.”

Caller: “So, if I address it to [Finance Officer], it will definitely go to her?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “How can you be sure?”

Me: “I am the one who sorts the school’s post, ma’am.”

Caller: “So, if it is addressed to [Finance Officer], you will give it to her yourself?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “It will be sent special delivery for tomorrow; make sure you hand it to her!” *Click*

It arrived two days after the call came in.

I move to Texas in 2009. Everyone says I will get a teaching position easily, since I teach math. However, jobs are not forthcoming.

I finally get an interview with a school after applying on their district’s website. The interview is on a Thursday, so I am not expecting any news until the following week. Also, schools rarely call back candidates who they do not hire.

On Tuesday morning the next week, I get a call at home. My phone identifies it as the school, so I’m excited to answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Secretary: “Hello, Mr. [My Name]. This is [High School] in [District]. We’d like to schedule you for an interview. Would you be available tomorrow morning?”

I’m thinking it is a second interview to meet more staff.

Me: “Oh, that’d be great. Is there anything extra you’d like me to bring to this second interview?”

Secretary: *Pause* “Second interview?”

Me: “I interviewed with your principal last Thursday.”

Secretary: “Oh… Never mind.” *Click*

I’m an American working as an English teacher in China. I’m a somewhat small man of only 5’5″ and 155 pounds… Wow, that’s a lot of fives. Anyway, I am a tiny, tiny man and one of my coworkers is a very large Romanian man who is a big fitness buff. He is strong enough to lift me up with one arm without any difficulty.

I decide to joke around with him in the office one day. I put my left elbow down on the desk.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], let’s arm wrestle.”

He looks at my poised left arm.

Coworker: “I’m not left-handed.”

Me: “Oh, good! Then I have the advantage!”