Taiwannical Behavior, Part 3

, , , , | Learning | March 21, 2018

Me: “What do you call the Thailand nationality?”

Brother: “Taiwanese?”

Me: “That’s Taiwan.”

Brother: *cocky* “Where’s Taiwan, [My Name]?”

Me: “Not in Thailand, I can tell you that much.”

Taiwannical Behavior, Part 2
Taiwannical Behavior

It’s Like They Assessed It From The Nosebleed Seats

, , , , , , | Learning | February 27, 2018

(I get a phone call from my daughter’s school.)

Caller: “Mr. [My Name], we believe your daughter may have been in a fight at school. However, she is refusing to say anything. Would you mind coming along to get this sorted?”

Me: “My wife works closer to school; I’ll call her. Why do you think our daughter was in a fight?”

Caller: “She came into her English lesson with a nosebleed.”

Me: “She gets those from time to time.”

Caller: “We believe she was in a fight.”

Me: “Was there anything else to suggest she was?”

Caller: “She came into her lesson with a nosebleed.”

Me: “Yes, I know that. What else?”

Caller: “That’s it.”

Me: “And you say she said nothing?”

Caller: “That she had a nosebleed.”

Me: “So, my daughter came into her lesson, with a nosebleed, said it was a nosebleed, and there was nothing else to suggest she was in a fight.”

Caller: “She had a nosebleed.”

Me: “I’m curious; can you check my daughter’s record, as we requested that her frequent nosebleeds be noted down?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s here. I had to pull up her record to get your phone number.”

Me: “And you still think she was in a fight?”

Caller: “Yes.”

(I give in and call my wife. When I get home that evening, she’s having an argument on the phone.)

Wife: “I don’t care. I don’t want someone like that at my daughter’s school! A cabbage would be smarter than her!”

Daughter: *whispering to me* “We all call her ‘cabbage’ after she photocopied an entire book without collating it.”

(After she hung up, my wife refused to tell me what happened at school, saying she’d already lost enough brain cells, and sadly my daughter wasn’t in the room at that point, so I may never find out.)

Been Having Problems Of Late

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 26, 2018

(A friend and I have signed up for an evening class together.)

Friend: “There’s no use in both of us driving there separately; why don’t I pick you up, and we’ll drive over together?”

Me: “Sounds good!”

(On the night of the first class, I’m waiting on my driveway. The class starts at 6:30. It’s 6:25, and there’s no sign of her. Finally…)

Friend: “Here I am!”

Me: “Oh, thank goodness!” *gets in* “Was traffic bad?”

Friend: “No, why?”

Me: “Um… You’re a bit late. We’ve only got three minutes to get to class, now.”

Friend: “Really?” *checks clock* “Oh, well. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

(We arrive at the class, several minutes late. The instructor has already begun. She glares at us.)

Friend: “Sorry! I have no sense of time!”

(The same thing happens the following week, and the week after that.)

Me: “I’m going to drive myself from now on.”

Friend: “Why?”

Scary Things Come In Small Packages

, , , , , , | Learning | February 19, 2018

(In first grade, we are partnered with fifth graders. The library’s books are divided by grades, but it’s generally a guideline. Most of the entire class of 20+ races to the first grade shelves, so it’s too crowded.)

Partner: “Okay, just wait, then.”

(I go to the other side of the room, to the fifth grade shelves.)

Partner: “Looking around?”

(I grab a book and push it into my partner’s hands.)

Me: “Can you read this one?”

Partner: “I can, but I have to read to you, and you have to read it, too.”

Me: “Yeah, this one.”

Partner: “This book is too hard.”

(I open the book and start reading, and read two pages out loud. It’s worth noting that I’m the smallest in my class, and he is pretty big. He stares at me.)

Partner: “Ahh! Scary!”

(My partner runs off to find his teacher.)

Partner: “Scary! How can she read this? She’s so tiny! I can’t be with her! She’s so scary!”

(The teacher switched our partners because he was so scared of me and avoided me every time. My new partner was very nice, and we stayed partners for many weeks, reading that one chapter book. Usually, partners were switched every week, but the teachers made an exception.)

Home Is Where The Work Is

, , , , , , | Learning | February 18, 2018

(It is the 1990s. I am ten years old, and my family has recently moved because of my mother’s job. At my old school, many of the teachers were strict and never forgot to collect the assignments that were due that day. Naturally, I assume this is the norm of all teachers in general, so I am surprised that my new teacher regularly forgets to collect the previous night’s homework. Not wanting to be penalized for turning homework in late, I go up to her at the end of class and ask where I should turn it in, only for her to “remember” and have the class turn everything in. This goes on for a few weeks before some of my classmates come up to me at my desk prior to the start of school.)

Classmate #1: “You need to stop running to [Teacher] and reminding her about the homework. Because of you, [Teacher] called our parents and we all got in trouble. I now have to miss my favorite shows just to do the stupid assignments.”

Classmate #2: “My parents took my video games away for two whole weeks.”

Me: “So, why don’t you just do the homework like you’re supposed to?”

Classmate #3: “Ew, you actually like doing homework?”

Me: “Not really. I would much rather watch TV or play video games, but if I don’t do my homework, I get bad grades and get in trouble.”

Classmate #1: “I know you’re new, so you probably didn’t know, but [Teacher] is very forgetful. She forgets all the time that she gave us homework, and gives us open-book quizzes, instead. Since you came, we haven’t had a single open-book quiz, because you keep reminding her about the homework.”

Me: “And you want me to stop?”

All Three Classmates: “Yes.”

Me: “Sorry, but no. It’s not fair to me; I study and do the work. I should be rewarded for doing the homework, not helping you stay out of trouble because you want to goof off. You do the homework, you study for the tests, and you get good grades; that’s how school is supposed to work.”

(It took a while before I made any friends after that.)

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