Just Shear Innuendo

, , , | Learning | September 20, 2017

Classmate: “[Teacher], can I borrow a pair of shears?”

Teacher: “Sure.” *grabs pair of shears* “I’m pretty good at scissoring.”

Oh, It Is (Tamp)On!

, , , , | Learning | September 14, 2017

(It is coming to the end of our lesson, and our teacher makes this big deal about us all leaving in silence, in one uniform line. He literally barricades the door with his body until we conform. We also have a new girl, who has been waddling for a couple of minutes.)

Student: “I can’t take this.”

(She leaves the line and goes to the teacher.)

Student: “Excuse me.”

Teacher: “BACK IN LINE!”

Student: “I can’t wait any longer. I’m—”

Teacher: “BACK. IN. LINE! YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU GET BACK IN LINE!”

(She huffs, opens her bag, and goes around one of the tables.)

Student: “Everyone turn around.”

(She crouches down, and it instantly becomes obvious to the girls that she’s using a sanitary item. Some of the boys don’t clock on, including the teacher.)

Teacher: “YOU ARE NOT RELIEVING YOURSELF IN MY CLASSROOM!”

Student: “I’m putting a tampon in, you idiot.”

Teacher: “HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ME!”

Student: *standing back up* “My period just started. I can already feel it’s a heavy flow, and I’m wearing a skirt. Either you move, or I do it here. Your choice.”

(The teacher blushed and excused everyone. He reported the new girl, and she was suspended, but after everyone found out why, a lot of our parents tore the staff a new one, and she was brought back. The teacher was suspended instead. When he came back, he wouldn’t teach our class, but we also learned he didn’t do his routine anymore, either.)

When The Cloud Evaporated

, , , , , | Learning | September 13, 2017

I’m a teacher. Our school has a cloud that holds all of our lesson plans, grades, everything. We are required to use it, and can even get in trouble if we don’t. I keep resources on my home computer. The finished product gets uploaded to the cloud. I’m not technically supposed to do this, but I have had these since before I worked here, and they’re too messy to sort.

My first year at this school was okay. I didn’t have the problem I had with another school- kids being forced to take my class instead of the one they wanted- so, most of my classes actually wanted to learn! My boss was okay, too.

Two weeks before the next new school year, I looked online, and everything had been wiped. I received an email saying that the grades and other personal data had been wiped for privacy reasons, but they wiped my lesson plans, too! This had to be a mistake. I called my principal.

He told me, “We have new standards for teaching every year, so you wouldn’t even be able to use them! It’s easier to wipe them all so teachers don’t have to go through a revision process when they submit old plans.”

I was stunned. First of all, plans can be modified, and it’s easier to modify than to create an entirely new thing from scratch. Secondly, TWO WEEKS?! Two weeks to plan an entire year? Thirdly, I was no longer ashamed of my secret resource stash (which would have been deleted, too)!

After somewhat of a breakdown, I picked through the mess of resources and cobbled together the first semester. At the first teacher’s meeting, I was the only one who had gotten that far.

Surprisingly No One Was Fired

, , , | Learning | September 12, 2017

(In my school there is always a fire drill shortly after the beginning of the school year. In my very last year, we are a class without a teacher when the drill was announced. Usually we would just leave through the door, but directly in front of our door is the “fire”, a teacher saying fire over and over again.)

Fire: *flapping arms* “Fire, fire! It’s hot; go back inside!”

Classmate #1: “But we don’t have a teacher! Are we supposed to burn?”

Fire: *thinking, shakes his head* “Bad luck! Go back!”

(We go back inside. The other escape route is a wall-door to the next classroom, which can be opened fully, and is usually opened by the teacher. So, of course, we have no idea how to open it. Since we know it is just a drill, we decide to just stay there, instead of bothering with opening the door. About half an hour later, someone knocks on the door.)

Fire: *winks* “Someone’s here to see you!”

Our Teacher: “You’re dead!”

Principal: “Would you please try to open the wall-door? I had hoped you, as the oldest, would be able to, but it doesn’t seem so.”

(We then spent another quarter hour opening the door. Our principal was new and didn’t quite believe in the effectiveness of the wall-doors in emergency situations, especially if there was no teacher available. She was right. Luckily for us, there were no real fire alarms until we were gone and new doors were installed. A fairly large amount of people had “the time we burned to death in class” quoted as funniest moment in the yearbook.)

A Habit That Never “Left” You

, , , , | Learning | September 7, 2017

When I was in high school, there was this ONE IDIOT that would always say “Hey guys, it’s snowing!”

It didn’t matter what month it was; January, June, he’d just say it.

The whole classroom of idiots would automatically turn our heads toward the window, and it was never snowing. So, we’d throw pencils at him and tell him to shut up.

A few years later, I went to university and that ONE IDIOT was in my class. In the middle of the lecture he said, “Hey guys, it’s snowing.” And we all (idiots) automatically turned our heads to the left to see if there was snow.

There were two problems with that.

One: It was September, and the temperature outside was in the mid-80s.

Two: This classroom had no windows.

Not only that, but for some reason, ALL OF US automatically looked toward the left side of the room for the same non-existent window.

So, we threw pencils at him and told him to shut up.

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