Me: “So we have the two types of bears up here, the black bear and the grizzly. They—”

Tourist: “Do they ever interbreed?”

Me: “No, they—”

Tourist’s Husband: “—No, dear, if they do that, they make Pandas, and that’s illegal since China said only they can have Pandas and our weak President agreed to it.”

I just can’t with these people anymore…

I’m on a foraging tour in a large wild forest in Oregon. We’re learning about the types of mushrooms, berries, plants, etc.

Tourist: “Are all these mushrooms edible?”

Tour Guide: “Technically, all mushrooms are edible, but some only once.”

Other Tourist: “I think technically all mushrooms are only edible only once… unless you like partially digested mushrooms.”

Tour Guide: “True, but saying ‘all mushrooms are edible only once, but some will make it so that you don’t live long enough to digest future mushrooms’ doesn’t have the same ring to it.”

Other Tourist: “I guess…”

Tourist: “I have no idea what you two are talking about! I just want to know if these mushrooms are edible?”

Tour Guide: “Yes, but poisonous.”

Tourist: “Oh my god! Then just say that!”

Later, on the tour:

Tourist: “Are all these berries edible?”

Tour Guide: “Technically, all berries…”

We all look at the tour guide.

Tour Guide: “…just ask if they’re poisonous or not, okay?!”

I work in a small Scottish town near the Glenfinnan Viaduct, which is an iconic curved railway bridge made famous by appearing in many movies and TV shows. As a result, we get a lot of visitors passing through who want to come and see the viaduct, among other things.

A tourist family is buying a few odds and ends from the little corner shop where I work. As they’re paying:

Customer: “Do y’all accept American Express?”

Me: “We do.”

Customer: “Awesome! We’ve been struggling to find places that accept it.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not as universally accepted here as it is in the… I’m assuming you’re from the States?”

Customer: “Yeah! We came here to see the Harry Potter bridge!”

I hate it when the viaduct is called that, but hey, whatever brings in money.

Me: “Yes, it’s very impressive, isn’t it?”

Customer: “We were hoping the train would go over it, but we were told that’s just in the movies.”

Me: “Yes, the—”

Customer: “Do we just keep driving down this road to get to the Black Lake?”

Me: “Loch Shiel, which is what it’s really called, is just a few minutes’ drive down that road, and then at the end is the pier where you can take a boat tour.”

Customer: “How far down the lake is Hogwarts?”

Me: “You mean the filming location? That’s not really too accurate, as the film used a lot of special effects, but the whole loch is beautiful, and—”

Customer: “Yes, I know they used lots of effects, but where is the actual building?”

Me: “Building?”

Customer: “The big castle they used for Hogwarts!”

Me: “There isn’t a castle on the loch. As I said, those were models and special effects that you saw in the movie.”

Customer: “What do you mean there’s no castle?! But that’s why we came!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you, but the loch is just natural landscape all the way down. It really is beautiful on its own though, and the—”

Customer: “—We came all the way from Texas to see Hogwarts, and you’re telling me it was never there?!”

Me: “It was just a film.”

Customer: “F***! First the whole Nessie monster was fake, and now this?! This trip sucks!”

Tourist: “What time do they let the wild animals out?”

Me: “Well, they don’t. As you said, they’re wild animals. They’re always out.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This is a national park. The animals are not kept in enclosures. They’re free to wander and come and go.”

Tourist: “But… isn’t that dangerous?!”

Me: “Not if you follow the rules.”

Tourist: “But… how can you just let wild animals out like that?”

Me: *Doing my best Inigo Montoya impression.* “You keep using the word ‘wild’. I do not think it means what you think it means…”

A couple of years ago, I was visiting Pompeii. I had opted to follow a tour guide for it.

At some point during the visit, while on the way to the Villa of Mysteries, our group saw around six people sitting on the ruins, picnicking, Styrofoam boxes with plastic cups and tablecloths and all.

Our guide quickly approached them.

Tour Guide: *In accented English.* “Hey! You can’t have breakfast here!”

Man #1: *Answering in English, showing the bacon and eggs he was eating from a piece of bread.* “Dude, this ain’t breakfast, this is lunch.”

The other five people in that group laughed.

Tour Guide: “Doesn’t matter.” *Waves at the general area.* “This is a house inhabited by—”

Man #2: “Who, Biggus D*ckus?”

More laughter from the group.

Man #1: “Yeah, man, why does it matter? Nobody’s using it, and we aren’t in the way.”

Tour Guide: “Shall I call the police? Would that make you move?”

Man #1: “Oh sure, like they don’t have their hands full with all the pickpockets around.”

Woman: “They let us picnic in Mesa Verde; why can’t you let us? What’s so special about these three piles of bricks?”

The tour guide, though visibly ready to kick the woman’s head off, does end up calling the police. Visibly and loudly.

Man #1: “Dude, why the f*** did you do that? We aren’t harming anyone!”

Man #2: “Don’t you really have anything better to do with your time than to police where people eat? Isn’t this a free country, Luigi?”

Tour Guide: “I’m literally also paid to get people like you off the rui—”

A different woman ends up throwing a paper cup full of soda against the tour guide before she starts packing up. The tour guide, in a display of biblical-level patience, aside from yelling, doesn’t fight back: instead, when the police arrive shortly after, he adds that the woman has thrown things his way. We moved away as the police dealt with the rude and disrespectful diners, so I don’t know how it followed up.

When we were far enough away, a man from our tour group asked if he was okay and if he was still willing to keep guiding us; he said that, though it would’ve been shorter than anticipated, he was okay with keeping the tour going.

I did end up seeing the Villa of Mysteries and the Dioscures’ House for the record. Also, even though it’s not expected at all in Italy, at the end of the tour we, collectively as a group, decided to tip him 10€ each, totaling around 100€, for the behavior he displayed in the face of such idiots.