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Take The One And Only Bus That Goes To The One And Only Hotel

, , , | Right | January 25, 2023

Tourist: “Where do we take the bus?”

Me: “Which bus are you looking for?”

Tourist: “The one that goes to our hotel.”

My colleagues and I bought a crystal ball for exactly this reason.

Customers: Complaining Since 1799

, , , , , , | Right | January 3, 2023

I’m a tourist at a popular living history museum, where many of the employees roleplay that they are living in the Revolutionary War and wear historical clothing. At the time I’m visiting, they are still actively encouraging guests to dress up, too. As I’m a hobbyist reenactor, I bring along my own eighteenth-century garb and play along.

My outfit is very authentic, and because I’m aware that this makes me look like an employee and I’m inevitably going to get asked for directions, I’ve scanned the visitor map and memorized a few key things that people tend to ask for. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for being able to point a few people in the right direction, despite the fact that I’ve never been there before.

At one point, my phone starts buzzing in my pocket, and I step off to the side of the street to answer it. I notice a few people giggling and taking pictures of me. I also see someone out of the corner of my eye standing nearby, looking uncomfortable. When I finish my call, she gets my attention.

Woman: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “No, sorry! It’s actually my first time here, too. If you’re looking for a restroom, though, I found one right over there, just beyond that souvenir stand. The entrance is on the other side.” *Points* 

Woman: “Oh, no, apologies for disturbing you. I’m a manager here.”

I’ve been on autopilot during this conversation and finally get a good look at her. She’s wearing a museum-branded polo shirt and holding a walkie-talkie.

Woman: “I got a complaint about an employee using a modern cellular device while in costume in the historic area.”

Me: “Oh. No, I… uh… I just like to dress up? I don’t even live in this state.”

I show her my visitor pass.

Woman: “…Okay. Sorry about that again. Enjoy your stay.”

Me: “Er, thank you?”

I’m not sure what was more stunning — that some other visitor had essentially tattled on me to management or that the management didn’t recognize their own employees and costumes.

The next time I had to make a call, I ducked into a less-busy area. The guy playing George Washington walked by at one point and gave me a weird look, but that I could deal with.

Let’s Stick All The Idiots On It Before It Floats Away

, , , , | Right | December 28, 2022

After I got out of the Navy, I moved to South Padre Island and began working on an offshore charter fishing boat. The island is a small barrier island off the coast of Texas, and we would get a fair share of visitors. Luckily, our boat had a guide that dealt with the visitors, as my tolerance for them was… not high.

Visitor: “This island…”

Me: “Yes?”

Visitor: “If they got rid of the bridge to the island, would it just float away?”

I just stared at him with a look of pure disgust, before the guide thankfully ushered him away to diplomatically answer his stupid questions.

We Need To Change The Name “National Park” To “Uncontrollable Wilderness”

, , , , , | Right | December 20, 2022

I work at a store that solely revolves around a popular river. During the summer, there is no shortage of clueless tourists.

Customer: “Excuse me. I let my two sons go tubing about an hour ago, and I was just wondering, when does the river come back around?”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “The river. How long does it take to come back around?”

Me: “…It doesn’t?”

The customer’s eyes went wide. She yelled for her husband and then left to go find their sons. I hope they found them before they ended up in the Gulf of Mexico.

A Bunch Of Red Flags

, , , , | Right | November 23, 2022

I am a guide on a tour bus company in Washington, DC. We are driving past the Washington Monument.

Tourist: “How do they get all the flags to fly in the same direction?”