How To Get Your Kids Into Therapy

, , , , , , | Related | October 2, 2017

(We go to St. Louis on vacation and decide to visit the Gateway Arch. There are about 40 or so people in front of me. Directly in front of me is a dad with two young children. The dad looks ahead and counts out how many families are going before him and works out which elevator they would be getting on. Note that ALL the elevators kind of lurch, making a metallic noise as the elevator starts up.)

Dad: “Yeah, kids, this is going to be really awesome! We are going to be very high up and have an amazing view of the city! But we don’t want to be on elevator four.”

Kids: “Why not elevator four, Dad?”

Dad: “That elevator will jolt and make a horrible metal noise and will eventually fall and we will all die! But there are a lot of elevators, so we don’t need to worry about that.”

(The kids look scared, but reassured by their dad. As the line shortens, the kids start counting ahead to predict which elevator they will be on.)

Kids: *gasp* “DAD! DAD! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON ELEVATOR FOUR!”

Dad: “Nooo. There’s no way!”

(The line ends, and the dad and kids are next. The kids are near hysterics. The dad turns to me.)

Dad: “Sir, would you mind switching places with me?”

Me: “NO WAY! That’s elevator four!”

(The dad only smirked as his plan came full circle. They got into the elevator and, sure enough, it jolted and made the noise. Pure horror-filled screams filled the room, as everyone who was aware of the situation was bent over laughing.)

Where Is The Dislike?

, , , , | Right | August 21, 2017

(I run a walking food tour and recently put out a competition for someone to win a double pass on the tour, including lots of delicious food bought for them along the way. It was a Facebook competition and people had to ‘Like’ our page, ‘Tag’ a friend, and ‘Share’ the post. You’d think it would be fairly simple, except some people would put extra comments in.)

Me: “Don’t forget to Like our page, Tag a friend, and Share the post, to give you a chance to win!”

Customer: “I tag [Name #1] and [Name #2] and [Name #3]. We would love this. We need some fun and great eating at the moment because our 18-year-old brother was killed in a car accident last Saturday.”

Me: *to a friend* “Well then, now I will feel guilty if I don’t give it to them, but who says that just to win a prize?

That’s Not What They Mean By Edibles

, , , , , | Working | August 17, 2017

(I write profiles on various attractions for the west coast. Though new, I’ve received a few odd assignments, and with my general eccentric interests, I’m fairly hard to throw off-balance. One day, a profile request for a museum exhibit in San Diego comes to my email.)

Me: “Oh, gods, please tell me that someone misspelled ‘cannabis.’”

Coworker: “Why, what’s it say?”

Me: “Cannibals: Myth & Reality.”

Coworker: “What? Yeah, that has to be a typo.”

(I look at the brochure that came with the assignment.)

Me: “Nope. It says cannibals. I’m writing about a cannibalism exhibit. This was not what I was expecting when I applied here.”

(I write the profile and become very interested in the exhibit, to the point where I request to write an editorial article for our website. A few days later, I get a call from one of the people at the museum for an impromptu interview. He’s very helpful, explaining how the exhibit is meant to disprove many of the popular notions about cannibalism. He’s incredibly insightful, pointing out how most cases of were actually for medical purposes in western culture, or a desperate situation of life and death. However, since I am not on speakerphone, my coworkers can only hear my side of the conversation.)

Me: “That makes so much sense. So, it’s not just savages and psychopaths that indulge in cannibalism?”

Coworker: “That was not a sentence I expected to hear in this office.”

Boss: *sticking her head out of her office* “I’m sure there’s context for that, but I’m not sure I want to know it, [My Name]. I’m just glad I already had lunch.”

(Thankfully, the article ended up being very good, but after that I made sure to either let my coworkers know who I was interviewing ahead of time, or take the call in another office.)

From Apoplectic To Apologetic

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2017

(I used to work at a bike rental place at a popular tourist location. Occasionally people call us if they’ve had a problem with their bike and we will drive out to replace or repair their bike for them. Earlier in the day a customer had been through with his family to get bikes.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Hello, [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer]. I need someone to fix my f****** bike right the f*** now. I was supposed to go for a ride with my wife and my kid, but because of your s*** f****** bike I can’t go.”

Me: “I’m very sorry about that, sir. I’ll have someone out there straight away. If you could just tell me your location and what’s wrong with the bike so I know if we can repair it or if we need to replace it?”

Customer: “I’m at [Location] and your stupid f****** bike’s brakes lock on whenever I try to turn right.”

(At this point I realize that he’s just twisted the handlebars around which took all of the slack out of the brake cable, so when he turns the bike it pulls the cable and the brakes lock on. All he needs to do to fix it is turn the handlebars around the other way. It’ll take about two seconds, compared to over half an hour for us to drive out to him.)

Me: “Oh, it sounds like you’ve just…”

Customer: “I haven’t f****** done anything. Just get someone to fix my f****** bike” *hangs up*

(I told my coworker what I thought was wrong and she drove out to him. It turned out I was right, and she just turned the handlebars around the right way and it was fixed. The next day he came in the store to apologize for being rude.)

Not A Picture-Perfect Celebrity Encounter

, , | Right | June 7, 2017

(I’m a public photographer at a local dolphin park, meaning I stand at the entrance and ask people if they want to have their picture taken, which they can purchase at a kiosk later, granted that they like the picture. I approach a man and a woman.)

Me: “Good day, would you like to have your picture taken?”

Guest: “What does that cost?”

Me: “The pictures are eight euros each, but it’s totally non-binding if you choose not to purchase the picture.”

Guest: “Eight euros? That little? That’s ridiculous! We mostly charge way more for our pictures!”

Me: *thinking i misheard him* “Ehm, excuse me?”

Guest: *points at the woman* “Don’t you know who this is! She’s famous! Hence, YOU should pay us for the right of taking a picture of us! I can’t believe you don’t know who she is!”

Me: “With all due respect, I have never seen you people in my life and even if you were somehow famous, the picture still costs eight euros to purchase.”

(The woman stands there smugly, but says nothing all this time.)

Guest: “I’m her manager! I tell you, she’s famous!” *suddenly smiling* “Lucky you, getting to take a picture of this celebrity! This is [Woman]!” *as if it should ring an obvious bell*

Me: “Again, I have never heard of you nor seen you. If you choose not to get a picture, that is fine…”

Guest: “I do! But you gotta pay me.”

Me: “No. It doesn’t work that way.”

Guest: “Well, FINE then! But you missed out on an opportunity to photograph [Woman]. She’s famous!”

(They stormed off. Judging on how they looked it was probably one of those Dutch-Schlager genre karaoke singers. We have a lot of those here in the Netherlands; people who can’t exactly sing but still change their name to ‘Singer Whatever,’ because they sang over an pre-programmed synth beat once and recorded it and think they are Lady Gaga ever since.)

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