Religion Is Just Not My Bag

, , , , | Working | October 11, 2018

(I work at a local grocery store chain. I’m currently in the break room on my lunch. A coworker is just coming into work, but as she is early she decides to sit down right next to me and chat my ear off until her shift starts. I’ve hardly said a word during the conversation, hoping she’ll leave me alone. Note that we are in a state with a high population of a certain religion. I’m talking nearly half the population of the state. I was raised in the religion but left after high school.)

Coworker: “[Coworker #2] was watching an R-rated movie on his phone yesterday.”

Me: “Hmm.”

Coworker: “I don’t think he’s a real member.”

(I know for a fact [Coworker #2] is a member. I also highly doubt he watched an R-rated film. The most violent thing I’ve ever seen him watch on break was a Marvel film, rated PG-13.)

Coworker: “I’m not going to bag for him anymore. He’s not a real member of the church. He’s a bad person, and I refuse to bag for him anymore.”

(I stopped saying anything and my coworker went to start her shift. I wish I’d told her I’m not a member. I wonder what the managers would have done if she’d refused to bag for two of the three cashier on that shift. I’m pretty sure that’s called “not doing your job.”)

Get Behind Me, Pikachu!

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2018

(I am working the registers. Work has provided employees with foam cups to refill at water coolers near the registers when we are not busy. Between customers, I have drawn different water-type Pokémon and water-related Pokémon items on my cup. I happen to see an elderly customer approaching with a cart, stop drawing, and set my cup near the screen.)

Me: “Good evening. Did you find everything?”

Customer: “Yes, I di—”

(She turns to see my screen as I start scanning her items, and then gasps).

Me: “Is something wrong?”

Customer: *points at my cup* “What the f*** did you draw all over your cup?!”

Me: “Oh, just some things from a video game.”

Customer: “You drew Pokémon all over it! Don’t you know they are satanic?! There are children here! I demand you throw it away!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to throw it away.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just find your manager and he’ll fire you!”

(I chuckle mentally as a few moments ago the front end manager complimented my drawings, but I decide to take my cup and “throw it away,” only to set it under my counter.)

Customer: *smirking* “I knew that’d change your mind. Now, why don’t you be a good, God-fearing citizen…”

(She forces a pamphlet at me as I resume scanning her items. She rants and raves about Pokémon, demons, gays, and the like.)

Me: *gritting my teeth, knowing that I shouldn’t lose my temper at work* “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “And my military discount?”

Me: “May I see your ID?”

Customer: “I don’t have it; every other cashier just give it to me!”

Me: “Sorry, but I’ve been informed to ask every time.”

Customer: “THIS IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A F****** SATAN-WORSHIPPER AND I’M A GOD-FEARING CITIZEN!”

Me: “If you are such a ‘God-fearing citizen,’ then you should know how to ‘obey the laws of the land.'”

(The customer mutters a few more curses before tossing me her money and storming out.)

Customer #2: “Wow… I saw you drawing on your cup; it’s a shame she made you throw it away.”

Me: “Zoroark and God aren’t the only ones that know Illusion.”

(I pulled out my cup and put it where it was before checking out his item.)

O Bro-ly Night

, , , , , | Friendly | October 2, 2018

(I’m on a date with my partner. We’re waiting at a bus stop when a guy hands each of us a small booklet with the title, “How Well Do You Know God?” and, both of us being atheists and transgender pansexual, we giggle a little.)

Me: *to my partner, in reference to the booklet title* “Well, we’re not exactly bros.”

Somewhere, Over The Ramen Bowl…

, , , , | Learning | September 20, 2018

(In acting class, our teacher is talking about character and monologues. She gives an example of Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz.”)

Teacher: “There’s many things you need to know about a character when you perform him or her onstage, whether it’s their age, character traits, location, or backstory.”

(After three minutes of discussion, she comes up with this:)

Teacher: “There’s some things that you don’t really need to know about your character unless it’s explicitly stated, like religion for example. I don’t care if Dorothy likes or hates the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

A Biblical Existential Crisis

, , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I’m with my coworker at the counter as he’s ringing up an older man.)

Coworker: “All right, thank you. Have a nice day!”

Customer: “Before I go, have this.” *hands my coworker a small pamphlet* “It’s proof the Bible exists.”

Coworker: “Uh, thanks.”

Customer: “Have a blessed day.”

Coworker: “Uh, you, too.”

(My coworker told our manager the story later that day and her response was, “Well, the Bible does EXIST; we sell it on our shelves, too.”)

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