Devil’s Jew

, , , , , | | Right | July 15, 2019

(I am ringing customers. A woman gets in the small line that is forming, followed by a gentleman who is spouting about seeing Jesus and being pure of heart and spirituality. He was in earlier in the day so I know who he is.)

Man: *mumbles about seeing Jesus*

Woman: “I don’t want to hear it.”

(They continue like this until the woman comes up to me to be rung up. The gentleman continues while the woman silently pleads for help. I decide to step in.)

Me: “Sir, I am sorry, but we are in the middle of a transaction here.”

Man: *mumbles about being rude*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are still in the middle of a transaction.”

Man: “I was talking to her.”

(The woman mouths, “Thank you,” to me, I nod, and we finish the transaction. The gentleman is next in line.)

Me: “I’m sorry about before, sir, it’s just that we were in the middle of a transaction.”

Man: “Oh, you must be a devil worshiper, then.”

(I am shocked, since I did NOT expect to be accused of being a devil worshiper. I barely know what to say. I see he has a skull cap on and decide to go the Jewish route, since I am Jewish, as well.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not a devil worshiper; I’m Jewish.”

Man: “You are?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Man: “Oh, well, that doesn’t make a difference; you could still be a devil worshiper.”

(After going back and forth on this subject for another minute, I gave up and just “yes”ed him to death while finishing the transaction.)

Unable To Protest(ant) That Point

, , , , , | | Related | July 9, 2019

(My 21-year-old sister and I are talking about religion, and I bring up an annoying coworker of mine. Note that although I am an atheist, we were raised Protestant and my sister still goes to church occasionally.)

Me: “[Coworker] thinks that the only reason I’m not Christian is that I had a bad pastor growing up. Our pastor was great; I just don’t believe in the religion. It’s so annoying.”

Sister: “You know we’re not Christian, right? We’re Protestant.”

(Cue long silence while I try to see if she’s messing with me…)

Me: “[Sister]… Protestant is Christian.”

Sister: “What? No, it’s not. Christian is Catholic.”

Me: “Christianity is a type of religion, and Catholic and Protestant are denominations. There’s also Baptist, Methodist, Orthodox… What did you think they were?”

Sister: “I… I don’t know.”

(The real kicker is that the word “Christian” is IN THE NAME OF OUR CHURCH.)

Possessed Of An Overactive Imagination

, , , , , , | | Related | July 7, 2019

When I was eight, I developed epilepsy. It was on both sides of the family, and my mum had it as a child. So, as the oldest, I am the one unlucky enough to have it, as well. 

I didn’t find out by dropping and having a seizure or staring off into space like usual. My aunt was cutting my hair when it happened. I don’t remember it very well, but she does. Clearly. She had no idea I was epileptic, so her first reaction was to scream and yell about possession. 

I had apparently stood up without warning, walked in a straight line, and started talking in what she thought was Latin. For months, she tried to say it was demonic possession, regardless of the countless doctors and MRIs and CAT scans showing I had epilepsy. She was always overreacting about everything, so no one believed her. 

She is still claiming my case of chicken pox at nine was the fifth disease.

And that she isn’t insane.

Devilishly Delicious

, , , , | | Working | July 2, 2019

(I go to a fast food place with a coupon for a discount on my favourite combo.)

Me: “I have this coupon for a $5.49 combo. I’ll have the [burger] combo, upsize the fries.”

Cashier: “[Burger] combo with coupon, upsize the fries.Your total is–”

(The cashier then visibly pales, her eyes bug out, and she crosses herself. The total after tax has come to exactly $6.66.)

Cashier: “Get out of here! I will not serve the devil! This is the devil’s order!”

(The cashier then stormed away, and the manager, trying not to laugh herself silly, completed my order without incident. It was one H*** of a good meal.)

So Much For Forgiveness And Grace…

, , , , , , , | | Related | June 28, 2019

In 1992, a few months before getting married, my ex-husband wanted me to meet his parents. He did not visit them very often and when I met them, I understood why. He had told me that his mom was a former nun and his dad was a former monk. They were pretty religious people but his mother was a bit over-religious.

We invited them for dinner and when they got to our place, the first thing his mother told me was, “You are both going straight to Hell because you are living in sin!” That set the tone for the rest of this awkward evening. I think that she must have told me at least ten times that night that life is a valley of tears, that I should go confess my sins, and that Jesus died for my sins. His dad barely spoke, only saying yes or no to a few questions.

When we mentioned our upcoming wedding that was supposed to be a civil ceremony at the courthouse — my fiancé and I did not believe in religion — that did not sit well with his mom and she told us, (well, she screamed), “It will not be a real wedding because it’s not a religious one and you will still be living in sin!”

After that evening, my future ex-husband decided it would be best if they did not come to our wedding because he feared that his mother would cause a scene in front of our guests… and I did not even try to make him change his mind!  

I later learned that his Bible-thumper holy Mary of a mother was kicked out of the convent because she was caught, multiple times, having sex with another nun! She had an affair with her husband’s boss and got pregnant by him. Her husband knew because they had stopped having sex years before for religious reasons! His two older brothers had told him the stories and his dad, the one he knew as his dad, confirmed it!

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