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I Wish Jew Could Understand

, , , | Working | January 26, 2022

My partner works for a mobile video game company. He drives a van to parties and is a game host. I am Jewish and he is not. He’s working a party Saturday night. His boss calls him in the afternoon. His boss is speaking so loudly I can hear him through the phone not on speaker.

Boss: “So, the party is a bat mitzvah. You can’t call the host until you get there because of, uhhhh… It’s, ummm… Yeah, so don’t call until you’re there for… Yeah, because they don’t, umm…”

Me: *Whispering* “It’s Shabbos.”

Partner: *To his boss* “It’s Shabbos. My partner is Jewish.”

Boss: “Oh, okay, good. So you know how it goes.”

He finishes the conversation and hangs up.

Partner: “So, what do I have to do?”

Me: “Just don’t call before sunset.”

Irish You Would Just Pay And Leave

, , , , | Right | January 26, 2022

Many years ago, this little old man in a full cassock and collar came up to my register with a purchase. I engage in the usual pleasantries, and he answered in the thickest brogue I had ever heard. Cute as heck. I rang him up and told him his total. He looked at the receipt and his face changed.

Customer: *Angrily* “Why have I been charged sales tax?”

Me: “Oh, do you have a resale card? If you’ll give it to me, I can take the tax off.”

He gave me an exasperated look.

Customer: “Priests don’t pay sales tax!”

He was no longer cute.

Me: “Maybe not in Ireland, but in America, we have the separation of church and state. Everyone pays sales tax.”

He huffed, paid, and doddered out.

Does Jesus Have An Ice Pack?

, , , | Right | January 26, 2022

I tripped at work and hit my register face-first. Instead of asking if I was okay (which I was) the elderly couple I was helping slid a tiny cross across the counter.

Couple: “You obviously need Jesus!”

Meanwhile, their friend was trying to get my team member to come find the Lord at their church.

How Are You Gonna Argue With That?

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2022

I work as a tech for an optometrist. Since we’re medical, we require masks in the stores and our doctor won’t see anyone without them.

A lady comes in and we offer her a mask.

Patient: “Oh, but masks don’t do anything! Plus, I don’t believe God will let me get [illness], anyway.”

I am a raised and still professing Protestant.

Me: “You’re more than welcome to bring that up with the doctor, but we do ask that you wear it anyway because the worst-case scenario is that it does nothing but I did my best to protect and love my neighbor.”

She wore her mask.

Then, when she got back to the doctor, he told her she had cataracts forming (and a family history of cataracts, no less).

Patient: “I don’t believe God will allow me to get cataracts.”

The doctor was raised Mormon.

Doctor: “Well, God wrote cataracts into your DNA just like he wrote nearsightedness into your DNA. You’re developing cataracts.”

Don’t Tell This Client About Joseph’s Coat

, , , , | Right | January 22, 2022

I am helping a client with a design.

Client: “I don’t know… I don’t like the blue and white together.”

Me: “What’s the problem with the colors?”

Client: “It looks Argentinean.”

Me: “So?”

Client: “The new Pope is Argentinean and we are not a religious firm. So, please, change all the colors.”