Getting A Holy Health Check

, , , , , | Related | December 14, 2017

(My father has always attended church on Sundays. He’s not overly religious but thinks once a week is enough. Mum joined a couple of church activities during the week. Then, after she retired, she took on some more, such as running the craft activities and being on the craft board, as well as ferrying older parishioners to and from the church.)

Dad: “Looks like the church has gotten their claws into you; you keep getting forced to take on more duties. You should be home just relaxing instead of all this running around.”

Mum: “But I like it; it keeps me active. Anyway, I volunteered; no one has forced me to do anything.”

Dad: “Well, you won’t see me there. I’ve worked enough in my life and am ready to put my feet up.”

(Dad retires and does just that. He happily putters around at home for six months. One day I call in to see him.)

Me: “Where’s Dad?”

Mum: “Oh, he’s cleaning the church.”

Me: “Cleaning the church? What did he say about the church getting their claws into you?”

Mum: *laughs* “Well, he had a check up at the doctor last week. Apparently putting his feet up doesn’t agree with him. The doctor told him he needs to be more active or he won’t be around much longer.”

(That was over ten years ago. He now is on the church board, helps Mum run the crafts, and still cleans the church, as well as other duties. He loves the activity, is healthier than ever, and has more friends than ever.)


Religiously Against Religion

, , , , , , | Learning | December 3, 2017

(In a class in college we are expected to get into groups for a weeks-long project. There’s a student sitting next to me who has made me uncomfortable in the past, but has latched onto me. He insists we be in a group together. Since I know no one else in the class, I go with it. In the course of working on the project, he learns that I’m a Christian.)

Me: “I can look at that after small group tonight.”

Classmate: “Small group?”

Me: “Oh, just a group of us from my church that meets on Tuesdays every week for Bible discussion and praying; that’s all. We’ll be done around nine.”

Classmate: “Do you guys get together sometimes to rape kids? All while singing songs to your Santa Claus in the sky?”

Me: “Okay, not only am I not Catholic, which I assume is the source of your jab, that’s disgusting and wrong to joke about.”

Classmate: “You all think you’re drinking some made-up Jew’s blood, anyway, so it’s all the same.”

Me: “Again, you are confusing Catholic beliefs with—”

Classmate: “Oh, are you mad?”

Me: “I’m not mad; I’d just expect you to know what you’re talking about before you try to insult my religious beliefs.”

Classmate: “Crap, you’re not going to go invade some country and kill all the indigenous people over this, are you? I know how you guys like to do that.”

(Over the course of the project, and then the rest of the semester, he latches onto me socially, acting like we’ve been the best of friends forever, but doesn’t seem to get how friends are supposed to interact, even if they have very different views on things. I keep my distance as best I can, with varying degrees of success, through graduation, and hear nothing from him for a couple years afterward. I’ve all but forgotten about him until I get a friend request on Facebook. Naturally, I decline the request. Then I get a direct message from him a few days later.)

Classmate: “Hey, why am I deleted?”

Their Leaving Is A Blessing

, , , , , | Right | November 29, 2017

(I’m showing one of my rental properties to a prospective tenant. She has looked over the apartment and everything seems to be going well. After I give her the run-down on the lease terms and whatnot, she suddenly turns.)

Prospective Tenant: “And have you had this place blessed for good fortune?”

Me: “Um, well, not really. Any religious ceremony you’d want to conduct for yourself is okay, so long as it is within the rules of the building. Bringing a religious priest, pastor, or elder in for a blessing would be fine, but things like burning incense or sage would be problematic since they might disturb the other residents of the building with the smell.”

Prospective Tenant: “Oh, no, I don’t believe in any of that voodoo stuff. I was just curious if you had a priest bless this place for your good fortune.”

Me: “I’m not particularly religious myself, so if this place has been ‘blessed,’ it was only by the occupants. Again, if you want to do a blessing, that’s fine, so long as it isn’t disruptive to other residents in some way.”

Prospective Tenant: “Well, that’s not ideal, but I suppose I can arrange for a pastor from my church to come bless this place and talk to you about accepting Jesus.”

(At that moment, she’s walking out the door to the apartment and spots the mezuzah my current tenants have hung at the door.)

Prospective Tenant: “AND WHAT IS THAT?”

Me: “I’m not entirely sure of its meaning, but as far as I understand, it’s a custom for Jewish people to hang that near the door. Don’t worry; they will remove it and patch the small holes from hanging it when they leave. They asked about hanging it, and since it’s no different, damage-wise, than a picture or whatnot, I said it was fine. Again, the holes will be patched and painted before you move in.”

Prospective Tenant: “I can’t walk under that mark of the devil! Take it off the wall! NOW!”

Me: “Um, you walked under it to come in the door, and it’s a simple piece of wood. If you don’t believe in its ‘power,’ walking past it shouldn’t do any harm. I am not going to yank that off the wall without proper tools, as I’d likely do a lot of damage to the wall trying to do so. So, let me see you out…”

Prospective Tenant: “NO! I am not going to knowingly pass through a door marked by the devil. I didn’t know when I walked in, but now I know, and I can’t walk through that door until you remove it!”

(Long story short, after I continued to refuse to pull it off the wall without any tools, she called her pastor and he told her it was okay to exit so long as she prayed to Jesus while she was “passing under that unholy mark.” Needless to say, her application wasn’t approved.)

You’ve Got To Cook Bacon To Bring Home The Bacon

, , , , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

(A new duty manager has started with us. We come in after an extended weekend to find the entire menu changed and half the stock missing.)

Me: *after checking the stock* “What the h*** is going on?”

Manager: “Who was here on Saturday?”

Duty Manager: “Hello! My, isn’t it a mess in here?!”

Manager: “[Duty Manager], do you know anything about this? Half the stock is missing.”

Duty Manager: “Oh, I came in yesterday and cleansed the menu. It’s shocking how little of it was kosher!”

Manager: “Kosher? But we aren’t a kosher restaurant.”

Duty Manager: “Well, you should be. I’m Jewish and you should be sensitive to my religious beliefs.”

Manager: “But, we already have kosher selections. Are you seriously expecting our customers to be sensitive to your beliefs as well? What about [My Name]? He’s Jewish and doesn’t have a problem with it.”

Duty Manager: “He’s probably just a convert. I have real blood in my veins.”

Me: “Well, not that your accusation isn’t insulting enough, but if we’re dealing with respecting beliefs, shouldn’t we only have halal on the menu, as well, because of [Colleague]?”

Duty Manager: “Oh, no. It’s only the Jews you have to care about, because of the Holocaust.”

Manager: “What?!”

Duty Manager: “We deserve something back.”

(We’re all stunned into silence for a moment.)

Me: “Well, I guess I’m owed twice then, because I’m Jewish and gay.”

Duty Manager: “See?! You aren’t a real Jew, because Jews can’t be gay.”

Manager: “I’ve had enough. In my office, now!”

(We were forced to close after that day for a week to restock, and the duty manager worked that shift refusing to leave the office. About £15,000 of food was lost because of her, which the owner decided to pay themselves to avoid any further complications when dealing with conflicts of religion. It was mutually agreed that the duty manager should simply leave. Today as I was walking to work I bumped into her, causing her bacon sandwich to spray across the ground. I stared in disbelief as she tried to pick up the remains. When she recognised me, she screamed, “IT’S HARD SOMETIMES!” before storming off.)

It’s Halal, Not Ha-LOL

, , , | Healthy | November 23, 2017

(I am a white teenage girl, just admitted to a ward and I am asleep. The nurse saw me come in with a t-shirt and jeans even though now I’m in a normal hospital gown.)

Dad: “Can my daughter get special meals?”

Nurse: “What kind? Is it an allergy?”

Dad: “She’s Muslim and needs halal food.”

Nurse: *odd look* “Muslim?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Nurse: “That’s ridiculous. She didn’t wear a hijab.”

Dad: “She rarely does, but she is Muslim.”

Nurse: “Then she isn’t really Muslim. She just plays dress up and has a fad diet like all teenagers.” *starts leaving*

Dad: “Oi! She is Muslim and needs halal food. She’s strict about that.”

Nurse: “Yeah, right.”

(My dad gave up and found another nurse who understood and made sure I got halal meals. It could have been much worse.)

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