He’s About To Go Old Testament On Their A**es

, , , , , | Related | December 7, 2019

(I’m with my family watching a funny TV show about a ridiculous, hyper-observant guy that pretends to be a psychic in order to help the police. His best friend is a much more respectful, grown-up character. While solving a case, they come across a Bible and the main character, who is hilariously sacrilegious, throws it over his shoulder to get it out of the way. A terrific conversation ensues between the characters… and my father:)

Friend Character: “I can’t believe you did that!”

Main Character: “What? It doesn’t mean I don’t respect it.”

Friend Character: “Please. Have you ever even read the Good Book?”

Main Character: “Duh. Of course, I have.”

Friend Character: “Okay, fine. What are the first five books?”

(For those who don’t know, the first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.)

Main Character: “Uhhh… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan, Doooooo… the right thing?”

Dad: *pauses show* “Wait! He forgot Numbers!”

Me: “Really, Dad? As a pastor, the most important thing that you noticed was that he skipped one?”

Dad: *laughing* “Of course! That’s obviously the important part!” 

Family: “Okay, fine. What would you have said?”

Dad: *very focused* “Hmm… Let’s see… Genesis, Exorcist, Leviathan… Numerology!”

(I’m not sure if we actually finished watching the episode that night, and almost ten years later, it’s still a running joke!)

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Call Of The Search

, , , , , | Friendly | November 30, 2019

(When I am a kid, our synagogue is looking for a new rabbi. One of the members of the Rabbi Search Committee decides to call my dad to get his thoughts, so he looks him up in the phone book. However, there are two people with Dad’s name in the phone book, and she calls the wrong one.)

Committee Member: “Hello, is this [Dad]?”

Other [Dad]: “Yes, who’s this?”

Committee Member: “This is [Committee Member] with the Rabbi Search Committee. I’m calling to get your thoughts on your search. Do you have any?”

Other [Dad]: “Yes, I do have some thoughts!”

(Despite not being a member of our synagogue, the other [Dad] and the committee member talk for about twenty minutes on his thoughts on the rabbi search process. Eventually, they finish up.)

Committee Member: “Send my best to [Mom] and the kids.”

Other [Dad]: Who is [Mom]?

Committee Member: “Your wife.”

Other [Dad]: No, my wife’s name is [Wife].

Committee Member: “But this is [Dad], right?”

Other [Dad]: “Yes, there are two of us; I think you want the other one.”

Committee Member: “But wait, I said I was from the rabbi search committee. We talked for twenty minutes. What’s going on?”

Other [Dad]: “Oh, my church is looking for a new minister. I thought you were joking.”

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AFAB Versus WWJD

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2019

(I am AFAB — assigned female at birth — and go by she/they pronouns. I am spending the day with a genderfluid AFAB friend. We’re on a popular shopping street in Brisbane and are waiting for the lights to change before crossing to the bus station. On the other side of the street, a man is standing on a literal soapbox, quoting Bible verses about sin and how everyone around him will be condemned to Hell.)

Friend: “Gimme your hand.”

(We cross the street hand in hand, and the man grows louder as he sees us pass by.)

Friend: “Hang on.”

(They stopped on the sidewalk and kissed me on the cheek, right in front of the man. Someone actually audibly gasped, and another person tried to hand them a Jesus pamphlet. We walked the rest of the way to the bus hand in hand.)

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Do Jew Have The Answer?

, , , , | Related | November 26, 2019

(My grandmother is doing a crossword. She asks me for help.)

Grammy: *reading the hint* “‘Jewish scriptures’.”

Me: “How many letters?”

Grammy: “Five.”

Me: “Torah?”

Grammy: “Oh, Torah! I had ‘Koran’.”

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You May Now… Applaud?

, , , , , , , | Related | November 20, 2019

My sister is getting married. As her fiancé was raised Catholic, they’re having a Catholic wedding. Our side of the family is Christian, too, but we’re not familiar with Catholic rites or services, being a variety of other denominations. In addition, most of the friends of the bride and groom aren’t religious and so also aren’t familiar with Catholic practises.

Regardless of our inexperience, everything goes smoothly and my sister and her fiancé exchange vows and rings. The priest then invites my now brother-in-law to kiss his wife.

Awaiting the classic “I now pronounce you husband and wife” line which isn’t actually used, the guests don’t quite realise that this is the big moment and there are a few heartbeats of silence.

“There’s usually a big cheer right about here,” the priest prompts, and we all start clapping.

“We’d better try that again!” the priest jokes, inviting my brother-in-law to kiss his wife again.

This time we raise the roof with claps, cheers, and laughter!

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