Not Always Right – Tenth Anniversary: Ten Favorite Stories
It’s our birthday! Not Always Right turns double-digits today, as we celebrate ten whole years since the publishing of our first ever story on October 17th, 2007.
We’ll have some special posts throughout the day to help us celebrate the occasion, but we thought we would start with our personal favorites. We asked the Not Always Right editorial team to select their top ten memorable stories from ten years of reading your submissions. This is what they came up with:
DE TING, DE TING!!!
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)
Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] tech support.
(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)
Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”
Customer: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”
Me: “So… it’s blue, and blue… on the thing?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Where is it blue?”
Customer: “On de ting.”
Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”
Customer: “Yes…de ting.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”
Customer: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”
Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Yes… which one?”
Customer: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”
Customer: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”
Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”
Customer: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”
(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows:)
PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING.
SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.
TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING.
>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.
>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.
>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.
(And so on and so on…)
Just Telling It Like It Is
(Two customers approach the counter, the first being a tall, bald man and the second being an elderly lady.)
Customer: “Hi. I’m every customer ever, and I have a bunch of stupid questions and unreasonable demands.”
Me: “Hi. I’m every employee ever, and I present a negative attitude as well as an unforgivable ignorance of both the products my employer sells and how to conduct myself civilly with other human beings.”
Customer: “Like an idiot, I have approached you with no idea what I want. But I nevertheless expect you to keep your full attention on me while I waste your time.”
Me: “That’s fine. I’ve already tuned you out and began to sing the theme song to Duck Tales to myself in my head as you bring us collectively closer to death without having accomplished anything meaningful.”
Customer: “Regarding [liquor], I will now proceed to barrage you with questions about it that either you have no way of knowing, or which I should already d*** well know the answers to.”
(I hand him a bottle of the liquor he mentioned and start to ring it up.)
Me: “I respond to your worthless questions with vague and unsatisfying responses, as my cranial faculties are occupied with lewd and lascivious irrelevancies. That will be [price], you personification of the downfall of western civilization.”
Customer: “I object to the price quoted, even though it is clearly indicated on the shelf behind you, and suggest some sort of extortion on your part, undoubtedly fueled by prejudice towards some aspect of my appearance, race, culture, or creed.”
Me: “Although mentally I am most certainly questioning your intelligence, parentage and/or upbringing, I merely offer transparently insincere apologies.”
Customer: “I proclaim in brash and vulgar terms my dissatisfaction. I make a laughable and grandiose claim of my own importance, such as being a millionaire, the brother of your company’s CEO, or perhaps the good old-fashioned ‘Do you have any idea who I am?’ I further suggest that I could have you fired effortlessly and fully intend to do so for the insufficient quantity of butt-kissing you have exhibited toward me over the course of this transaction.”
Me: “I sadly inform you that my superior is not present on the premises and unhelpfully refer you to the company help line. Quietly I memorize the details of your face so that I can fantasize about committing acts of unspeakable and grotesque violence toward same at some later date.”
(The customer begins walking out the door.)
Customer: “Vague and impotent threat to your person and questioning of your sexual orientation!”
Me: “Sarcastic suggestion to have a nice day!”
(He walks out the door. The old lady behind him looks thoroughly perplexed by our exchange.)
Old Lady: “Who was that?”
Me: *shrugging* “My manager.”
Mission: Impossible
Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”
Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
Me: “Open your car.”
Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer—you can’t touch it!”
Me: “Then how do I open it?”
Customer: “That’s your problem.”
Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
Customer: “You have to open it.”
Me: “Watch me not open it.”
Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
Me: “So, If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”
A Not So Bitter End
Customer: “Are you in charge of the salad bar?”
Me: “Of course. I make sure all the food is fresh. Was something wrong?”
Customer: “Your dressings are too sweet!”
Me: “We buy our dressings pre-packaged, but it is possible that something went wrong somewhere along the way. Which one was it?”
Customer: “The dressing!”
Me: “They are all too sweet?”
Customer: “Were you born simple? The dressing is sweet!”
Me: “Is it red, orange, white, or brown?”
Customer: “The brown one is too sweet!”
Me: “That’s the balsamic vinaigrette. It shouldn’t be sweet at all, but I will pull it and put out a new container of dressing for you.”
Customer: “Thank you! Was that so difficult?”
(I begin to pull the only brown dressing we have and she stops me.)
Customer: “My God, you are such an idiot! You’re pulling the wrong d*** dressing!”
Me: “You said the brown dressing, right? I am pulling the brown dressing like you asked.”
Customer: “Not that dressing, you idiot. This brown dressing. You are so stupid!” *points*
Me: “You mean the chocolate pudding?”
Your EQ Just Ate Your IQ
(Our restaurant is in walking distance of an assisted living center so many of regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)
Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”
Special Needs Adult: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”
(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)
Customer: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”
Special Needs Adult: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”
Customer: “Oh, my god!”
Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”
Special Needs Adult: “Yes, that’s right!”
Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”
Special Needs Adult: “You know I do!”
(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)
Customer: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*
Tricks Of The Trade
Me: “Welcome to [Company] hotline. How may I help you?”
Caller: “My name is [Caller]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”
Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”
(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)
Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)
Caller: “Sure, no problem.”
(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)
Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”
(I hand the call to my manager.)
Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”
Manager: “Promote him?”
Ah, Fathers, Part 2
(I’m working in an electronics retail store, and see a man in his late 40s with a kid no older then 10.)
Me: “Welcome, sir, did you get…”
(I look in his cart and see that it’s mostly filled with identical Spongebob DVDs.)
Me: “… everything?”
Man: “I guess so.”
Boy: “MORE SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB! SPONGEBOB!”
Man: “All right, let’s go get some more.”
(About five minutes later he comes back, with more Spongebob DVDs… The same ones, to be exact.)
Man: “All right, I think this is enough.”
(I ring him up, and the total comes to about $550.00 USD.)
Me: *whispering* “Uhh, sir… these are mostly the same thing.”
Man: “Oh, don’t worry about it. I hate my life anyway.”
The Economy Is Crumbling
(The phone is ringing off the hook and my co-worker finally answers it.)
Co-worker: “Hello this is [Store]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”
(My co-worker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)
Co-worker: “Yes, ma’am, but we only have one left.”
Customer: “If you hold that f***ing game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f***ing cookies.”
Co-worker: “It’s f***ing held.”
(Less than half an hour later, the woman came in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”
Customer: “I deposited a cheque in your ATM and wanted cash back, but it won’t let me. I need that money!”
Me: “All right, let me just pull up your file.”
(I find her in the system and see the deposit’s held as she’s overdue on her credit card payments by several months, which caused her accounts to freeze.)
Me: “Your deposit was definitely completed and is in your account, but unfortunately I cannot give you any cash as your accounts are frozen.”
Customer:”What?! No! They can’t do that! That’s my money!”
Me: “Well, yes, they can, because you haven’t made a single credit card payment in months.”
Customer: “So?”
Me: “So, you need to pay it back.”
Customer: “I have to pay? Why?”
Me: *blinks* “You didn’t know you had to pay it back?”
Customer: “No one told me!”
Me: “Miss, it’s a credit product, meaning you’re borrowing money from us. We don’t give money away. After you borrow the money, you’re expected to pay it back. All of it’s explained in your Card Agreement.”
Customer: *stares blankly at me*
Me: “The agreement you would’ve received in the mail along with your card.”
Customer: “That sheet full of ‘garbledygook’ that no one ever reads?”
Me: “Just because you didn’t read it doesn’t mean you’re exempt. By using the card, that means you agree to the terms associated with the card.”
Customer: “But I need my money! They can’t do that; it’s my money! I got no job! I have no money!”
Me: “Don’t worry, I’ll call them and speak with someone for you. We’ll figure out a solution together based on your current situation, okay?”
(I call them and discuss with the rep, then they ask to speak to the customer. I hand the phone over, and within seconds she starts yelling.)
Customer: “GIVE ME MY MONEY! You can’t do this! No one told me I have to pay!”
(She slammed down the phone, storming off while shouting “They won’t give me my money!” to random people on the way out.)
Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart
(It’s Halloween, and I’m dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)
Me: “Did you find everything you needed tonight?”
Customer: “Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.”
Me: “Thank you, ma’am.”
Customer: “But don’t you think you took it a little too far?”
Me: “Uh… took what too far?”
Customer: “Well, I understand that you’re supposed to be some type of vampire, but don’t you think that necklace is taking it too far?”
Me: “Oh, that. That’s not part of my costume. I always wear that.”
Customer: *loudly* “Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that’s just fine with me… but they shouldn’t be letting you wear that here in a public place!”
Me: *sarcastically* “Well, why shouldn’t they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I’m the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we’re gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.”
Customer: *to one of my managers*“Aren’t you going to do anything about what she said to me?”
Manager #1: “Yes, ma’am. As soon as you leave, we’re going to close the store.”
Customer: “THAT’S IT?!”
Manager #2: “Of course not, ma’am. You heard the rest of our… plans.”
(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walked out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically ran out of the store.)
We hope you enjoyed reading some of our favorites. Remember that we take a weekly look back at some memorable stories weekly, via our Throwback Thursday posts. Don’t forget to check them out!
Let us know what you think of our selection in the comments. Remember to be polite!
(P.S. – If we could have chosen eleven stories, then In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You would have made the cut!)
