Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Catholic

, , , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2020

I’m the author of Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio and thought I’d offer another gem my darling husband has come up with. To begin with, my husband is definitely very intelligent. He’s just in that category of “very intelligent with book-smarts but common sense has gone out the window.”

Early on in dating, making us in our late teens or early twenties, we are walking around our mall when we pass a Catholic priest. My future husband does a double-take.

Me: “What’s up?”

Husband: “Was that a Catholic Priest?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Husband: “I thought Hollywood made those up, like nuns!”

Me: “Nuns are a thing, too!”

Husband: “What?!”

He then looks at the priest’s briefcase.

Husband: “Do you think that’s his exorcism kit?”

Me: “What? No. No, it’s not. First of all, they don’t just carry stuff like that with them. I’m pretty sure they gotta get approval from the Vatican before they do an exorcism, anyway, and that can take time.”

Husband: “I’m gonna go ask.”

Me: “Leave the priest alone!”

My wonderful future husband had already let go of my hand and started following this poor priest down the walkway in the mall. He later returned to my side and informed me that the priest opened his briefcase to show that it was just paperwork he had with him.

Clearly Your Husband’s Not A Scorpio

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The Terrible Two-Twos

, , , , , | Right | September 9, 2020

I work in a social services call centre. I am talking to a woman who is on unemployment benefit but can only receive it if she can prove she is looking for employment. It is my last call of the day and I am getting tired.

Caller: “Why was my latest payment rejected?! I have a child to feed!”

Me: “Madam, from the notes, it looks like you have recently rejected four employment offers. Without providing a valid reason, the payments will be on hold.”

Caller: “That’s ridiculous! I couldn’t take any of those jobs as they couldn’t let me look after my son! I need to be there for him!”

Me: “The notes also say that the employers were offering flexible part-time hours; was this not the case?”

Caller: “They’re lying! They’re liars and Jesus will make them burn in Hell for being liars! I need to be here for my son!”

Me: “Madam, I understand, but the fact remains that you cannot receive unemployment benefit without proving that you’re actively seeking employment.”

Caller: “But my son!”

While she is ranting, I quickly check the notes. If her son is young enough, she is allowed certain exemptions and I want to make sure before proceeding. I check the details and sit there for a moment, before double-checking. After triple-checking, I go back to the call.

Me: “Madam, I am afraid a lack of childcare is not a suitable reason for rejecting these employment offers. You will need to—”

Caller: “But my son is—”

Me: “Madam, your son is twenty-two years old! He does not need you to stay home for him.”

Caller: “Then you don’t know my son!”

Me: “Madam, with you as his mother, I have a pretty good idea.”

For those wondering, the son (and mother) didn’t have any disabilities or medical conditions; in fact, he didn’t even live with his mother! I’m usually much more polite on the phone, but when a caller is blatantly abusing the system designed to help those truly in need I lose all patience!

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Death By Chocolate, Part 9

, , , , | Right | September 7, 2020

I am giving out free samples at a kiosk in a superstore. Today, I am handing out chocolate-covered pomegranate when a man in his thirties comes over.

Me: “Hi, would you like to try some dark-chocolate pomegranate?”

Customer: “Of course!” *takes a sample*

Me: “Thank you for trying some today!”

Customer: “I’m glad I got four candies instead of three. You could have killed me.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “Three pomegranate seeds. It symbolizes ‘Fruit of the Dead.’ I could have died.”

Me: “Uh, ‘Fruit of the Dead’?”

Customer: *Dead seriously* “Yes. In Greek mythology.”

He looks somberly at his pomegranate candy.

Customer: “I’m very superstitious.”

Me: “Okay.”

Customer: “Don’t give people three pomegranate seeds. Don’t.”

He walked away, staring at me for a while.

Death By Chocolate, Part 8
Death By Chocolate, Part 7
Death By Chocolate, Part 6
Death By Chocolate, Part 5
Death By Chocolate, Part 4

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Hindu You Know What You’re Talking About?, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 22, 2020

I work at a retail store in western Pennsylvania where the majority of the customers are, for the most part, educated.

Customer: *Looking at my necklace* “What’s that? An elephant man?”

Me: “Oh, it’s Lord Ganesh!”

Customer: “Who?”

Me: “He’s a god in Hinduism. I, myself, am Hindu.”

The customer looks at me quizzically.

Customer: “You don’t look Hindu.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, Hinduism is a religion, not a race.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, then, I’m sorry.” 

Hindu You Know What You’re Talking About?

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A Not-So-Nutty Religious Nut

, , , | Working | August 10, 2020

I have a new coworker who is part of a religion that likes to go around knocking on doors on Saturday mornings. He’s a nice guy but has been attempting to convert me, even though I’ve told him that I have a church that works for me. I’m getting very annoyed with it. I decide to try one more thing before I report him to HR.

Coworker: “…but seriously, you should come with me to Kingdom Hall sometime. I think you’d like it. You like your church. This is a church.”

Me: “Only if you come to [My Church] one Sunday.”

Coworker: “What?! Why?”

Me: “Well, you like your Kingdom Hall. I think you’d like my church.”

Coworker: “Don’t be silly. They’re two totally different entities. We believe different things. It’s not gonna work. Wait a second…”

He trails off and stares at me. I give him a knowing look. He chuckles and shakes his head.

Coworker: “Oh, you’re good. I see your point. I’m sorry.”

Me: “How about we settle it here? You know what I believe and I know what you believe. Since we don’t agree, we won’t talk about it at work anymore.”

Coworker: “Done. Well played, [My Name].”

We worked together for several years, and he eventually became one of my favorite coworkers. And he never brought up his religion again.

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