If You’re Looking For A Sign, This Is It

, , , , , | Friendly | July 21, 2021

As a raised Christian who has since turned agnostic (bordering on atheistic), I make a point of maintaining an “agree to disagree” policy when communicating with other religious people. I give a simple nod and neutral reaction to any statements referring to their faith.

However, one friend I have had since high school is so deeply religious, it has me questioning whether it is faith or sheer madness. For example, she told me she had been permanently banned from returning to a church where she’d been a member for many years. I asked what happened.

Friend: “I had a dream that [Pastor] was having sex with [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]! And I knew in my heart this was a revelation from God. I told his wife about it and then told [Twelve-Year-Old Girl]’s parents that they should sit down with her and find out what was going on.”

Sometime later, she lost her job and remained unemployed for quite some time. She mentioned to me that the public assistance she was using was about to expire and she was concerned she was going to lose her apartment.

Me: “I know for a fact my job is hiring because we’ve been seriously understaffed after a group of people moved on after graduating from college. I’m great friends with the team leader and even the human resources manager; I can definitely set you up with an interview!”

Friend: “No… I don’t feel that God is leading me in that direction.”

Me: “Okay… but what are you going to do? You’re running out of time.”

Friend: “Maybe go to Syria and share the word of God with the terrorists so they will stop killing innocent people.”

Me: *Holding in various comments* “Okay, not that you would survive longer than two weeks, but how do you intend to get over there with no money and survive with no source of income?”

Friend: “God will take care of me.”

Me: “Right. Well, what’s your plan B if you aren’t able to make it out of town?”

Friend: “I have no choice but to wait on a sign from God. I’m hoping for an epiphany or for Him to send an angel to tell me what I should do next.”

I’m stunned into silence… and then I start slowly flapping my arms.

Me: “I’m Saint [My Name], sent directly from Heaven with a special message just for you. You are about to be homeless soon. Get… a… job!”

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If I Was Their Parent, I’d Have Ripped That Teacher A New One

, , , , , | Learning | July 20, 2021

I attended a Catholic school my entire primary school life, kindergarten to twelfth grade. Due to the mandatory cutoff date for when you can start school, I’m one of the youngest in my class; I was four when I started kindergarten.

In 1979, when I was five years old and in the first grade, I had a nun for a teacher. Our school required us to get book covers for all our textbooks. So, being young and not very neat, I pulled out one of my books for class, and the book cover was torn. Keep in mind this was a paper cover and the book was a hardcover, so there was no damage to the book itself.

The teacher looked at my book cover and then at me.

Teacher: “You’re going to Hell for having a ripped book cover.”

She walked away, and I was left terrified, a five-year-old told by my teacher that I was going to Hell. I couldn’t even tell my parents because they would take the teacher’s side.

And some people wonder why I stopped going to church when I was eighteen. This wasn’t the only reason, but it was probably the first.

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Welcome To The Dark Side Of Influencer-ing

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: Mush_Tilly | July 9, 2021

Stranger: “Hi! I saw your posts on Instagram and I love them! Since I print and frame photos for people, and you’re a photographer, maybe we could team up or something?”

Me: “Thanks for your interest. That sounds great! What were you thinking?”

Stranger: “Here’s my idea: you can send me some pics without the watermarks, and I can print and sell them.”

Me: “Then we split the profits?”

Stranger: “No.”

Me: “Then how do I benefit?”

Stranger: “I’ll give you credit and exposure! I have more than three times your followers, so I think it’ll help you. How does that sound?”

Me: “No. I’m not going to give you images (that I normally sell) for free so you can make a profit off of them, just for some ‘exposure’ to your 3,500 followers.”

Stranger: “If you want to be selfish and not share your talents with others, that’s fine by me.”

Me: “Okay, great.”

Stranger: “But God will definitely never forgive these sins.”

Me: “…”

Stranger: “If you don’t change your ways, you’ll go to Hell!”

Me: “I’ll save you a spot.”

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Just Try, “I’m So Sorry” Next Time

, , , , , , , | Learning | July 2, 2021

In my freshman year of college, I take an Introduction To The Old Testament course to fulfill a general education requirement. I don’t recall how we got into this discussion, but somehow we get on the topic of how many Christians tend to use variations of “God has everything happen for a reason” when trying to comfort people and how most people don’t like hearing that.

Professor: “You know, I was on the receiving end of one of the worst variations of that I’ve ever heard. It was several years ago now. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I was obviously devastated about it. It also happened far enough along that everyone already knew I was pregnant. The first time I went back to church after it happened, this woman I had never spoken to before in my life walked up to me, and you know what she said? She said, ‘I’m sorry about your miscarriage, but it’s okay! God did it because he knew your baby would become a criminal!'”

There’s a pause as the whole class “ooh”s in sympathy.

Professor: “You know, I have never hit someone ever in my life, but that’s the closest I’ve ever come to changing that.”

Classmate: “That would have been too kind. I probably would have murdered her in front of the altar.”

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Pray They Get Out Of Here Quickly

, , , | Right | CREDIT: votedog | June 22, 2021

I waitress at a restaurant near several churches. My first table one day is fresh from church. They are about to pray when I walk up. Seeing this, I step back to let them finish. The wife waves me toward the table. I hold up a hand, indicating, “No, thanks.”

Wife: “We were going to pray. Join us.”

I don’t do the religion thing. I don’t mind if they do it around me, but I’m not comfortable joining in.

Me: “No, thank you. I’ll come back when you’re done.”

I go to leave.

Wife: “It’s okay! We won’t tell your boss!” *Laughs*

Me: “Boss? No, I’m just very busy. I’ll go refill some drinks and—”

Wife: *Interrupting me* “There is nothing more important than God.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll be back.”

Wife: “I am asking you to pray with my family. Are you really rejecting this one-of-a-kind offer?”

Me: “Thank you, but I have to politely decline.”

Husband: “Excuse me, what did you say?”

Me: “I am not comfortable doing that, so I am declining your offer. That is not to say you cannot do it yourselves. Please, take your time. I’ll go refill some drinks and be back. No rush.”

Husband: *Loudly* “I want the manager. I don’t want you waiting on us, either!”

Me: “Okay!”

I walk away quickly. I find the manager and explain the situation. The manager goes to the table and tells them it is not required for servers to pray with customers, and he will not force me to do it. If they want another server, they can have one.

Husband: “You’re just as bad as she is! All of you here working instead of going to church like you should be! It’s a shame! It’s disgusting!”

Manager: “Sir, which would you rather have? The rest of us sitting beside you in a pew, or here, serving you iced tea and chicken-fried steak? We can only do one.”

Husband: *Sputters* “Well, it’s not up to me.”

Manager: “A new server will be with you momentarily.”

Wife: “What about her?!”

She points to me. My manager walks away from the table without a reply. They get up and huff out.

The next Sunday, guess who is right back there again and in my section?

Wife: “We asked for you today because we’re going to pray for you while you work.”

I ignore the comment and take their drink order. I can hear them praying loudly, something about helping me find my way to Christ. The meal goes fine with no issues, but when they leave I see they left me a big fat zero in terms of a tip. Instead, they left me literature on their church.

The next weekend, they request me again. I talk to the server next to me and swap tables because I won’t serve them again. They stop me when I am walking by and question why I am not waiting on them when they asked for me specifically.

Me: “I figured after all the problems last time I waited on you, you’d for sure want another server.”

Wife: “Problems?”

They all look confused.

Me: “Yeah, I figured since you didn’t tip me, I did something wrong. I wouldn’t want to do that to you again!”

Then I turned and walked away. The husband was saying something to me and I totally ignored him. That was the last time I saw them. I think I offended them enough they refused to come back.

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