In my department, we have unflattering nicknames for all the recurring customers who piss us off. This encounter concerns a character we refer to as “Smug Christian Lady.” We call her that because she’s always very careful to hold her expensive-looking, leather-bound Bible up, with the title facing out, where everyone can see it while she shops. It’s so important to her that everyone sees her Bible that she always shops with a handbasket so she can use the other hand to hold the Bible up, even if that means making multiple trips to the store on the same day instead of just using a cart.

She also always wears a huge, gold, gem-studded cross necklace and literally can’t go sixty seconds without saying “the Lord” this or “my church” that.

SCL: “Hello, young man. It certainly is a marvelous day the Lord has blessed us with, isn’t it?”

I notice all the other employees have hidden in the back of the department where she can’t see them. I am resisting the urge to grind my teeth.

Me: “It certainly is, ma’am. What can I get you?”

SCL: “I’m organizing a luncheon for the gals at my church and need cold cuts for about twenty people.”

Me: “Uh-huh. So, what will you be needing?”

SCL: “Let’s start with some provolone cheese. I’ll take three pounds, sliced half an inch thick and then cut into cubes a half-inch on each side, and package each pound separately. And I don’t want them in bags. I want them in those nice-looking aluminum party trays, with some of those toothpicks with the different-colored plastic stuff at the ends.”

Me: “All righty. That will just take me a few minutes. Do you want the [Premium Brand] provolone or the store brand?”

SCL: “Oh, [premium brand], no question. It’s for my church. They count on me a lot there—”

She then gives a telling glance and an almost predatory smile.

SCL: “—and inferior things must never be allowed into my church.”

Me: “Right. You know, I have a nephew named Matthew. He’s six.”

She puts her basket down and holds up her Bible and pretends to read it in order to ignore me. Her eyes aren’t even moving.

SCL: “That’s lovely, dear.”

Me: “I want to get him a birthday present, but I don’t know what Matthew seeks.”

She doesn’t take the bait. The fryer alarm goes off, indicating the chicken is ready, but none of my coworkers emerge to deal with it. They’re still hiding from Smug Christian Lady. Finally, I step away from the cold cuts and shut the noise off, only to find her giving me a dirty look.

SCL: “You know, it’s very rude not to devote your all to serving the customer. Is your manager here?”

Yes, he’s hiding in the back with everyone else, but if I out him and make him deal with SCL, he’ll write me up.

Me: “No, he isn’t.”

SCL: “I’ll be sure to let him know he needs to put the fear of the Lord in his employees the next time I’m here.”

Me: “That will be fine.”

I finish preparing the cheese the way she wants it and weigh it up on the scale on top of the counter. When she puts her Bible down to check the price, she notices a typo in our computer on the digital readout.

SCL: “Excuse me, young man. You misspelled the word ‘provolone.’ It’s P-R-O-V-O, not P-R-O-V-A.”

Me: “I know. It’s a mistake in the computer. Whoever programmed the software must have done it.”

SCL: *Actually wagging her finger* “No, no, no. That won’t do at all. You do realize it’s a sin to lie, don’t you?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

SCL: “I know you spelled it wrong. You need to beg the Lord’s forgiveness for the two wrongs you have now just committed.”

Me: “As I just told you, ma’am, we don’t type the products into the computer. It’s all pre-written in the menu software.”

She responds in the nastiest, fake-sweet-sounding voice I’ve ever heard.

SCL: “Honey, you’re already predestined for Hell. Don’t make it harder on yourself.”

I’ve had enough of her s*** and my brain snaps. I grab the scale and rotate it 180 degrees so she can see the side I use and tap my finger to the misspelled cheese entry. Smug Christian Lady’s face turns bright red. She leans over the counter and gets right in my face.

SCL: “Now, you listen to me, you low-born degenerate untouchable! You do not contradict your superiors! This is your punishment for all the sex and drugs and hanging out with criminal vermin you did instead of finishing high school!”

I speak quietly, through gritted teeth.

Me: “I may have to serve customers, but I don’t have to stand here and be insulted.”

I walked out the back door of the department and left her standing there screaming and sputtering. Later, my manager told me he’d have to write me up for doing that, but he also refused Smug Christian Lady service for insulting our employees. She never came to our store again.

I am in a bookstore in the religious section looking for a particular translation of the Bible. Another customer is watching me, and when I pick up a translation, the other customer comes up and takes it out of my hands.

Other Customer: “Oh, you certainly don’t want that one.”

Me: *Taken aback* “And why not?”

Other Customer: “That’s not a real Bible.”

I am curious as to what she means.

Me: “And just what is a real Bible?”

Other Customer: “Only the King James Bible is the real Bible; after all, if it was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”

Me: “…”

I live in one of few states not under full quarantine yet. Many restaurants are closed except for drive-thru, including ours. A coworker of mine is taking orders through drive-thru.

Customer: “Do you read the Bible, [Coworker]?

Coworker: “No, I’m not religious.”

The customer starts ranting.

Customer: “This disease is a punishment from God! Repent while you still have time!”

She simply took his order and then he went to the next window asking the same question, again ranting when given the same answer. A few minutes later, the same customer went through the drive-thru again, this time blowing a trumpet. We still don’t know what the deal was but everyone was talking about “trumpet guy” by the end of the day.

My cousin told this story at my uncle’s funeral. I thought it was hilarious.

My cousin, his wife, and his parents all go to church together. My cousin’s wife is heavily pregnant at the time. A new associate pastor is joining the church that day, and after the service, he stands at the back so everyone can greet him and introduce themselves. His wife stands next to him, and she is also heavily pregnant.

When my cousin and his wife reach the new pastor, he says, “I see your wife has the same ailment that mine has!” Everyone gives a polite chuckle, except my uncle, who glares at the new pastor and doesn’t say a word as he shakes his hand next.

My uncle still looks annoyed when they get in the car. My cousin asks him what is up.

Uncle: “That wasn’t right. A pastor shouldn’t say things like that.”

Cousin: “What do you mean?”

Uncle: “That was just rude. To say that his wife and [Cousin’s Wife] have the same mailman!”

And my cousin said that was the earliest indication that my uncle’s hearing had started to go.

My church has a “Two Wheel Ministry” in which everyone with a motorcycle gets together on the first Sunday of every month, weather permitting, and goes on a long ride together after service. The Pastor rides ahead of the group and the ones who run it run behind them in order to assist in keeping everyone together, as not everyone is used to riding in large groups.

On this particular ride, we’re about thirty bikes strong. Even though the weather is really nice, most people are dressed in their riding leathers and you wouldn’t automatically know we’re a bunch of church-goers out for fun.

We make our mid-trip stop, which is about an hour into the ride, to get gas and stretch. There happens to be a famous American coffee shop in the same parking lot and we all decide to have a short stop over to grab something to drink.

The look on the faces of the wait staff and the few customers as around fifteen of us file in is priceless. It is a mix of shock, fear, and confusion. Always being one to be able to read the room, the head of the motorcycle group turns around and addresses us.

Group Leader: “Okay, listen up! Tall orders only! Anyone else getting whipped cream on their coffee?!”

Almost All Of Us Together: “I am!”

Me: “And yes! Yes, I do want sprinkles!”

I hear the door open and, without missing a beat, I hear my pastor shout:

Pastor: “Oh, heck yeah! SPRINKLES!”

The staff started laughing and you could see everyone relax. We introduced ourselves to the few customers there and the staff as we waited for our drinks. We picked up a few new members to the church that day, too. It was great.

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This story was included in our May 2020 Inspirational Roundup.

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