What Happens When You’re Spoon-Fed Religion

, , , , | Right | March 15, 2018

(I work at a canteen inside an office building. I have served a woman who has gone to pick up the cutlery for her meal. She returns with a fork in hand.)

Woman: “This is a fork. I want a spoon.”

Me: “Spoons are right next to the forks.” *points at the table she was just stood at*

Woman: “But I want this to be a spoon.” *grabs my arm tightly* “Let’s pray.”

(She closes her eyes and starts muttering. I think it’s Hebrew, but as I have never been religious, I’m not 100% certain. She opens her eyes and glares at the fork in defeat before shouting at me:)

Woman: “YOU DIDN’T PRAY HARD ENOUGH!” *throws fork at me and leaves*

Oh Boy(s), Another Crazy

, , , | Right | March 14, 2018

(I work in a bakery. The customer places her order and I slice and bag her bread. All goes normally.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice afternoon.”

Customer: “It won’t be; I have five boys I have to go home to.”

Me: “Well, I hope it’s not too bad.”

Customer: “I didn’t want kids, but Jesus says we have to have as many as possible.”

(I look at my senior coworker with a WTF look.)

Customer: “Are you married? You should have kids. Jesus says we have to have kids.”

(At this point she starts yelling at my coworker and me that we have to have children. Finally, there is a pause in her ranting and I try to get her out of the store.)

Me: “Have a nice day. See you next time.”

Customer: *shakes her head but finally walks off*

Me: *to coworker* “What was that?”

Coworker: “You have finally met a crazy. We get a few.”

Multiculturalism Enriches Us All

, , , , , | Hopeless | February 28, 2018

(I have dark curly hair, and always wear a hat — I’m Quaker — so I am sometimes assumed to be Jewish. One December day I’m at our service counter, and a client wearing a hijab comes up to me.)

Me: “Salaam aleikum.”

Client: “Aleikum salaam.”

(We transact her business, and she thanks me.)

Client: “Happy Hanukkah!”

Me: *smile* “‘Merry Christmas’ for me, actually.”

Client: *startled, but smiles* “Merry Christmas, then.”

(I love multiculturalism.)

Isn’t That All Disney?

, , , , , | Right | February 22, 2018

(As the only video game store in a small town, you get to know your customers, and what they look for. One regular is self-described as very Christian, and she wants reasonably specific games for her children. They must contain minimal amounts of violence, lack of nudity, and no swearing. So, when she returns a very popular Disney game, I am quite surprised.)

Me: “Was there something wrong with the game, or didn’t you like the gameplay?”

Customer: “No, it’s not that; it’s just…”

Me: “Just what?”

Customer: “It has magic it in. I don’t like things to do with magic.”

(At this point, I handed the customer off to another sales person, and went out back to convince myself not to rage-quit life.)

The Lord Taketh Away

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2018

(A man comes in, picks up a few snacks, and goes to check out. He also mentions he’s a priest.)

Priest: “Would you give me a 15% discount because I’m a man of the Lord?”

Me: “Is the Lord a fan of extortion?”

(Awkward silence.)

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