Sounds Like Your Brain Could Use One Of Those, Too

, , , , | Working | August 2, 2021

I’m a pharmacist with a major corporate chain. I’m talking with a patient about a medication that she should have refilled but hasn’t yet.

Patient: “Oh, I don’t need that one refilled. My doctor took me off it.” 

Me: “Sounds good. I’ll put that in the notes.” 

Patient: *Jokingly* “Besides, I just dropped over $300 at your pharmacy a couple of days ago. I don’t think I need to spend any more right now.”

Dear readers, I can only ascribe what happens next to this being the end of a very crazy twelve-hour shift. I want to say, “Let’s give your pocketbook a break.” For some reason, my brain decides to change the word “break” to “rest” halfway through the word. So, what actually comes out of my mouth is:

Me: “Oh, yeah, let’s give your pocketbook a breast.” 

Exhaustion is a powerful drug, guys.

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Wait Until You Hear What She Does With “War Horse”

, , , , , | Related | July 29, 2021

My little sister was very artistically inclined and very often liked to sketch pictures after being inspired by movies.

One time, we watched the movie “Black Beauty,” and unsurprisingly, afterward, she drew a rudimentary sketch of a horse and taped it to her bedroom door.

She proudly presented her work to us. My mom gasped.

Mom: “Ohhhh, no, no, no!”

Meanwhile, the crude-joke-loving teenage me fell on the floor howling and laughing.

In big crayon lettering at the top of the drawing was the caption, “BLACK BOOTY.”

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Ser Buena Persona

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: brandimariee6 | July 28, 2021

Years ago, I was serving at a casual restaurant. I’m very white with blonde hair, so you wouldn’t know by looking at me that I’m almost fluent in Spanish.

As I was cleaning a table one night, the one right next to it was seated for me. While wiping the dirty table, I heard the new table talking loudly about me in Spanish. They were saying how big my butt was, how fat I was, and how they didn’t want to be served by someone so disgusting, not knowing that I 100% understood them.

My initial reaction was anger and tears; I wanted to give them bad service and not even try to be nice. But I wanted to be the bigger person. I walked to the table and did my “Welcome to [Restaurant]! My name is [My Name] and I’m here to help you out” spiel, but I said it all in Spanish.

The look of shock and embarrassment on their faces gave me one of the greatest feelings ever.

Then, I listed every burger, every milkshake flavor, and every side item in Spanish. For the entire meal, I spoke no English at all, and I gave them the kindest and most attentive service I’ve ever given anyone. The nicer I was, the more humiliated and ashamed they were.

When one of them asked quietly if he could have some more water, I already had a tray in my hand with his water on it. They refused to speak Spanish to me and would hardly even look at me. When they left, they closed their $25 check and left me a $50 bill under a plate for my tip.

Such a glorious day! Everyone always asks why I didn’t spit in their food, give them bad service, or ring in their order wrong. Kill people with kindness, baby! That’s the way I do it.

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Welcome To The World!

, , , | Friendly | July 27, 2021

I have a friend who grew up sheltered, meaning he had no TV and his parents controlled what music he listened to, what books he read, and even the people he saw. As a result, he is often innocent and naive, to the point that people often wonder if he’s all there. He has a crush on a beautiful female friend.

Female Friend: “I love Han Solo!” 

She gets up to use the bathroom, and I notice my sheltered friend looking depressed. 

Me: “What’s wrong, [Sheltered Friend]?” 

Sheltered Friend: “She likes this other guy, the one with the Asian name. Han Solo, I think his name is.”

Me: *Starts laughing* “Han Solo isn’t a real person! He’s fictional, in a series of movies and books! She isn’t actually in love with him!”

Sheltered Friend: “Why would she say that, then?”

Me: “It’s just something girls say about someone they like a lot. She could also say she loves [Other Friend] or Stephen King!”

Sheltered Friend: “I know who [Other Friend] is, but who is Stephen King?”

He learned a lot that day.

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So The Serpent Was A Python, Then?

, , , , , | Related | July 23, 2021

I am visiting my mother for Mother’s Day. I know it’s important to my mom that I attend church, so I allow her to drag me to her church on Sunday morning. Right as we are leaving, I get a call from work because they are having issues with a program I support. So, during the drive, I stay on the phone, walking them through some suggestions of how to debug what is happening to fix the program.

Me: “I’d diff them, then grep the diff for that DN and pipe it to WC.”

Mother: “It’s a good thing you’re finally going to church because you’re already speaking in tongues!”

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