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Should Probably Also Explain “Sick” And “Bad” While You’re At It

, , , , , | Related | January 22, 2022

My young cousin was visiting us. We keep horses on our property, but they’re mostly pets. At the time of this story, one of our horses, Ladybug, was an older mare with worsening arthritis.

Cousin: “Can we get the horses out so we can ride them?”

Mom: “No, Sandy bucks too much for kids, and Ladybug’s lame.”

Cousin: *Offended and outraged* “Ladybug is not lame!”

We explained what lameness in horses meant after that and he was much more understanding. It still makes me smile remembering how angry he was over us “insulting” her, though!

Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 6

, , , | Right | January 21, 2022

I was working as a producer for a client who brought in a pool of actors they wanted to use in an upcoming production.

Me: “I noticed you have some Asian talent in the headshots you sent us. Do you know what ethnicity they are?”

Client: “I think this one is Japanese, this one, I think, is Cambodian, and this girl may be Korean.”

Me: “Do any of them speak their native language?”

Client: “I think they all speak a little Asian, yeah.”

Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 5
Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 4
Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 3
Don’t You Speak Asian?, Part 2
Don’t You Speak Asian?

Time To Re-Fresh Your Slang Lexicon

, , | Right | January 20, 2022

Me: “Just a heads-up, if you log onto our website, you can see that the site is down. My publisher has been unreliable and I am working as quickly as I can to get the site back up. I’m so sorry for this; I’ll let you know when the article is posted as soon as possible.”

Client: “Okay. What’s the website again? Sorry.”

I give him the URL.

Client: “Hey, it says the page is broken!”

Me: “I just told you it’s down.”

Client: “I thought you meant it’s down like ‘fresh’! I won’t have this!”

King Of The Retail Jungle

, , , , , | Right | January 18, 2022

I work in a call center for a pretty big grocery chain. While my department is online shopping, we occasionally get a call from an in-store-related issue. A lady calls in.

Caller: *In an uproar* “I was in one of your stores and you are selling endangered animals!”

Me: *Confused* “Can I get the name of the product?”

She goes on and on about endangered wildlife and how could we do this to the environment and she’ll never shop with us again because of this. As a huge believer in wildlife conservation, I’m getting more and more confused. The most I can think of is a kind of seafood.

Finally, I get the name of the product in question.

Caller: “Pork lion!”

I even have her spell it out since she said she is still in the store, and she is “staring right at the sign.”

Caller: “L-O-I-N, lion!”

As soon as I told her that the product in question was not “lion” but “loin,” she quickly hung up.

A Good Pickup Line Is Hard To Come By

, , , , , | Romantic | January 17, 2022

I’m new to flirting and am interested in this guy I met at work. I’m trying to think of something clever to say, so I blurt out:

Me: “Hey, you know what your name means in Spanish?”

Cute Guy: “No, what?”

Me: “‘To come.'”

He awkwardly chuckles and I suddenly realized that he thought I meant the slang for ejaculation.

Me: “I-I mean ‘come’! C-O-M-E! You know, like, to come and go?”

Cute Guy: “Yeah, sure.”

He assured me he knew what I meant, but oh, man, was that mortifying. We never flirted again.