I used to work at a Toys R Us back in 2002-2003. A customer is trying to return a toy branded to another store at the returns counter where my coworker and I are working:

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t take that item.”

Customer: “Why not? It’s a toy d*** it!”

Me: “It’s a Target exclusive.”

The customer emphasizes the ‘R’ in the store’s name so blatantly that I know it’s spelled ‘R’ and not ‘are’.

Customer: “It’s a toy! Toys R you! You R toys!”

Me: “Not all toys, ma’am. This is a toy branded to another store.”

Now she’s emphasizing the ‘you’ just as hard.

Customer: “U R Toys!”

Me: “R we though?”

Customer: “Then why you call yourself Toys R Us when Toys U Ain’t!” *Storms out.*

Coworker: “All I know is I R tired…”

I used to work in the bakery department of a retail chain. A customer is explaining a custom cake order.

Customer: “Please write ‘Happy Birthday Kathy’.”

Me: “Okay, and how do you spell Kathy?”

Customer: “It’s Kathy! You don’t know how to spell Kathy? They shouldn’t have high school dropouts who can’t spell working on the custom cakes!”

Me: *Sigh.* “Does it start with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’? Does it end with a ‘y’? Two ‘e”s? An ‘i’?

Customer: “Oh… K-a-t-h-y…”

She was suddenly not a Chatty Cathy/Kathy/Cathie/Kathie/Cathi/Kathi…

A customer is in front of me in the line at the Golden Arches. I hear him whispering over and over to himself:

Customer: “May I please have a McDouble without pickles? May I please have a McDouble without pickles? May I please have a McDouble without pickles?”

He gets to the counter to order:

Customer: “May I please have a McDipple?”

Worker: “…”

Customer: “…”

Worker: “Uh…”

Customer: “Goodbye.”

The customer rushes out of the place. Better luck next time, dude!

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company], [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Caller: “Uh… hi. I need to do [service-related task].”

Based on the sound of the age of the caller, and the name of the account holder, it seems I am speaking to a Spanish-speaking child, clearly trying to pretend to be their parent because their parent doesn’t speak English. It happens a lot.

Me: “Am I speaking to the account holder?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Ooookay. Just to inform, we don’t mind if a family member translates, but at the very least, we have to bring a translator on the line to verify the primary account holder and get authorization for someone to translate for them.”

Caller: “Oh… okay.”

Me: “So… shall I get the translator for say… Spanish?”

Caller: “Okay…”

Me: “Okay, I will put in the request, and they will be on the line in a few minutes. Are you okay to hold?”

Caller: “Sure, but wait… the translator, are they just to… uh… check the details, or can they do the whole call? The [service-related task]?”

Me: “They absolutely can. Would you like to be transferred to a qualified Spanish-speaking call center agent?”

Caller: “Heck yeah! This way I get to go play Mario!”

I don’t think the poor kid wanted to be on the call…

Brian (not his real name), in my office, was delighted when his penchant for uttering random shower thoughts publicly in the office was immortalized on this site that one time.

Because just today he did it again.

Brian: *Out of nowhere, to the entire office, but directly at no one.* “If we smelled with our hands instead of our noses, imagine how differently designed the world would be…”

Me: “Then I guess I’d wear nicely scented gloves.”

Boss: “It would be grim because I’d still be picking up your s***, Brian! Get back to work!”

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