One of my fellow teachers teaches science to seventh and eighth-graders. She has a big personality and her students really like her, even when they’re being little monsters, like middle schoolers can be. She did a few lessons on forensics that were very popular with her 8th-graders. I heard from some witnesses that last week, one of her male students decided to try to be a tough guy.

Student #1: “Hey! Ms. [Name]! Get your b****-a** over here and check my work!”

Ms. [Name] fixes him with a cold stare and starts walking towards him. The other students start muttering.

Student #2: “Oh my god, you are a dead man.”

Student #3: “I cannot believe you said that to her.”

[Student #1] looks more and more nervous. Ms. [Name] leans over his desk.

Ms. [Name]: “[Student #1], do you remember our forensics lessons? I suggest you apologize for what you just said, or no one will ever find your body.”

The student apologized immediately and has been markedly quiet in all his classes since. I hope he sleeps well over summer vacation…

A couple is picking out some items at the deli.

Customer: “Can I get the chorizo?”

Me: “Spanish or Mexican?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Me: “Spanish is cooked and ready to go. Mexican is raw and requires cooking before eating.”

Customer: “Oh! Give it to me raw!”

Me: *Blinks.* “…Sure.”

Customer’s Wife: “Calm down, Gollum.”

In a weird quirk of movie scheduling, the two big releases this weekend are ‘The End Of Oak Street’, a movie about dinosaurs, and ‘Paw Patrol: The Dino Movie’, a young children’s movie about dogs… and dinosaurs.

A group of young adults walks up.

Customer: “Four for that dinosaur movie.”

I double-check that there are no children with them.

Me: “Did you mean The End Of Oak Street?”

Customer: “The one with the dinosaurs!”

Me: “Yes, we have two movies this weekend with dinosaurs. I just wanted to check which one you wanted. Was it The End Of Oak Street, with Anne Hathaway and Ewan McGregor?”

Customer: “The… one… with… the… f****** dinosaurs!”

I should have just sold them the tickets to the Paw Patrol movie, but I didn’t want to inflict this guy on the kiddies, so I sold them four to ‘The End Of Oak Street’ and they seemed satisfied with that. Is it really that hard to know the name of the movie you’re paying to go see?

Related:
Jurassic Snark

I live in Greece, but my first language is Welsh. Now there aren’t many of us who do, so the chances of coming across someone are quite remote.

I was walking home one afternoon after work, when I spotted a young couple walking towards me, obviously returning from the beach. He was pulling at his pants and was generally looking grumbly. He said in Welsh something along the lines of:

Man: “There’s bl*ody sand all over my balls, and they’re so itchy!”

She scolded him in Welsh to be careful how he speaks.

Man: “It’s not like anyone speaks Welsh here.”

He said this just as they were in line with me. It was too perfect, so I had to reply:

Me: “Actually, there is one Welsh speaker on this island.”

His face dropped like a sack as he scrambled to apologise for his crassness, whilst his girlfriend was bent over laughing hysterically.

Anyway, I was excited to have someone to speak Welsh to, so I had a lovely fifteen-minute conversation with them, and even figured out we have some acquaintances in common. Absolutely top couple!

A woman was setting up a gift registry with us and was spelling out her name for us. Her last name was something like O’Brien.

Customer: “It’s O, hyphen…”

I write ‘O-‘ on the form.

Customer: “NO! A HYPHEN!”

I draw a thicker hyphen.

Customer: “NO! HYPHEN!”

She then grabs the paper out of my hand and writes her own name, spelled with an apostrophe.

Related:
Catapostrophe, Part 3
Catapostrophe, Part 2
Catapostrophe