Wish You Could Crayon Over That Joke

, , , , | Right | February 6, 2020

(I’m a hostess at a BBQ place, and we use team service, so guests can ask me for refills, biscuits, etc. I’m passing a party of eight when I get called over.)

Teenage Girl: “Excuse me, miss.”

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Teenage Girl: “Could I get a kid’s menu?”

Me: *jokingly* “Would you like the crayons, too?”

(She suddenly gets the most offended look on her face and stares at me.)

Teenage Girl: “NO.”

Me: “Sorry, miss, I was just kidding.”

(I went and grabbed her kid’s menu, but she glared at me the rest of the night.)

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Ordering Like A Headless Chicken

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2020

(We have a family — a mother and her two girls: one teenager and one pre-teen — that comes in every week. All three of them are obnoxious, particularly the pre-teen.)

Coworker: “Okay, and what’s the next sandwich?”

Pre-Teen: “Um… MOMMA! WHAT DID I GET LAST TIME?!”

Mom: “I don’t know! You order your own food!”

Pre-Teen: “Ummm… Can I get a six-inch… chicken Neapolitan?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Pre-Teen: “A CHICKEN NEAPOLITAN!”

Coworker: “We don’t have a sandwich by that name.”

Pre-Teen: “YES, YOU DO! I HAD IT LAST TIME!”

Me: “Do you mean the chicken chipotle?”

Pre-Teen: “YES! THAT THING! DUH! A SIX-INCH CHICKEN CHIPOTLE! That’s what I said in the first place!”

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Steven King’s New Horror: The American Education System

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2020

(A group of older teenagers walks in and one greets a Shih Tzu in a cart. The dog barks and growls at her, sending her running. The teenagers come up to my register a short time later.)

Me: “Oh, you were the one scared by the little dog.”

Teenager #1: “Yeah! He almost bit me!”

Me: “Yeah, he was a mini Cujo, huh?”

(There’s a short pause.)

Teenager #2: “What’s a mini Cujo?”

(I pause and wait for one of her friends to explain, but they have the same blank look.) 

Teenager #2: “Is that like a type of dog?”

Me: “Uh, it’s a book by Stephen King about a Saint Bernard that’s bitten by a bat and contracts rabies and then goes around attacking and killing people.” 

(They all gasp and joke that [Teenager #1] is going to get rabies.) 

Me: “Yeah, just a crazy dog analogy.”

Teenager #3: *as they are on their way out* “What’s an analogy?”

(I think I died a little bit inside that day.)

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It Still Brings Me Joy  

, , , , | Right | January 25, 2020

(I own a comic book store. I’ve been in business for about a year when a popular animated movie about anthropomorphic emotions is released. As such, we have some stock related to the movie, including blind box figures of the various characters. A woman is paying for an item when her very goth teenage son — thirteen or fourteen, I’d guess — picks up one of the boxes.)

Goth: “I really wanted to like this movie, but I couldn’t relate to it.”

(He puts the box back, and stares me straight in the face.)

Goth: “The only emotions in my head are Sadness and Anger.”

(His mother rolled her eyes as I tried not to laugh, but even years later, I remember that dude and it always makes me smile!)

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Too Young To Be A Patron And To Drink It  

, , , , , | Right | January 17, 2020

(I’m an employee working box office on a busy Friday night. We’ve had two R-rated movies come out and, as you can imagine, a plethora of teenagers are trying to sneak in. I’ve already had to refuse several and report them to my managers as a risk. Our box office is small and there are only three of us.)

Other Employee: “No, you can’t see that movie if everyone doesn’t have ID.”

(The teenagers halt transactions on three cash registers and leave to talk in a huddle and return moments later.)

Customer: “I want tickets for [PG-13 movie].”

Me: “Of course. Do you have a student ID for a discount?”

Customer: “Why do I need ID? It’s PG-13?”

Me: “It is. I’m asking for a student card for a discount. You won’t have to pay as much.”

Customer: “No, I don’t have it.”

Me: “No problem; it’s going to be [total].”

(They pay and somehow end up back in front of me ten minutes later.)

Customer: “I want a refund?”

Me: “Was there a problem, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t want to watch it.”

(This is code for, “I tried to sneak into a different movie and got caught.” I know this because my manager told me.)

Me: *handing him a paper with some highlighted lines for our record* “Not a problem. Can I have you fill out the highlighted section for my record and I’ll get you your refund?”

Customer: “What’s Patrón—” *as in the tequila* “—signature?”

Me: “Pardon?”

(He points to the line.)

Me: “That’s ‘patron.’” *as in a customer*

Customer: “Yeah, what’s that?”

Me: “That’s you, sir.”

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