Ding-Dong-Ditch, Drop, And Dial Dad

, , , , , , , | Friendly | May 2, 2020

It is summer, and I am unemployed. I’m at my family’s garden-style apartment filling out online applications. My computer desk is near our front door. 

I hear a knock and get up to answer. I hear some scurrying as I get to the door. When I open it, nobody is there. I just see the empty landing for our apartment and three others on the same level.

This knock-and-run occurs a couple more times over the next couple of hours, with the knockers — I’ve heard multiple giggles after the subsequent knockings — running off each time.

For what turns out to be the final time, I’m standing next to the door. The knock comes and I quickly open the door. Surprised, I see three teens take off down the stairs on either side of the landing. I also hear a clattering of one of the boys’ cell phones as it drops onto the landing. 

I casually go over and pick up the phone. I go back inside and start looking over the phone.

A minute later, I hear a knock but no running. Through the door, I address the knocker.

Me: “Hello?”

Boy: “Hi, I was wondering if I could have my phone back. It fell out of my pocket.”

Me: “That’s okay. I’m just going to call the listing for ‘Dad,’ and he can pick it up after he gets home from work.”

Boy: *Dejectedly* “Okay.”

I called “Dad” and explained what was happening. He agreed for me to hold the phone until that evening. It turned out to be the resident of the apartment diagonal to mine on the same landing. He apologized, and I assume he gave his son a good talking-to.

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Teenage Drug Dealers Can’t Afford To Be Touchy

, , , , , | Legal | April 26, 2020

I’m a police officer in a small town with a lot of wealthy individuals. I have just finished breaking up a drug deal and have arrested a fifteen-year-old dealer with eight grams of cocaine and we’re waiting for his father to show up.

Kid: “Man, you better let me go. My dad’s a lawyer and there’s no way you have a case.”

Officer: “Listen, kid, just wait for your dad to show up before you say something stupid. Now, turn around if you want those cuffs off.”

The officer goes to uncuff the kid who suddenly violently breaks off.

Kid: “What the f***?! Get your hands off my balls!”

Me: “He didn’t even touch you yet.”

Kid: “Oh, yeah? Well, who’s the judge gonna believe? You two idiots or my dad?” 

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’ll believe that camera.”

I point to one at the end of the hall pointed at him.

Me: “Or that one.”

I point to one literally just above him.

Kid: “Well, f*** you! You’re nothing but a bunch of podunk pigs!”

It took another thirty minutes for his father to show up, the little drug dealer screaming and cursing the whole while. Luckily, his dad didn’t see it as such a clear-cut case of innocence and took a plea deal forcing his son into a house arrest with rehab and weekly drug tests, as well as freezing access to his trust fund. He also apologized to the department and said if his son ever ended up here again, he would cut him out of the family will.

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Soap: The New Munchies

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2020

I work for a soap store. Two boys come in, acting kind of strangely, and my younger coworker doesn’t feel comfortable helping them. I offer to show them around the store a little. After a little while of them overreacting to some products that I test for them; bath-bombs, lotion, etc., we are at the soap wall. 

Boy #1: “Wow, these all smell amazing, bro.”

Boy #2: “Dude, look at this.”

He holds up a fruit-scented soap.

Boy #2: “It smells like a pear, bro!”

Me: “I love fruit-scented things. Do you have a specific scent you might like or…?”

Boy #1: “I. LOVE. Mint. Like, bro. I love fruit so much.”

Me: “Fruit and mint? How about this one?”

I hold up a soap for him to smell.

Both Boys: “Woah!”

Me: *Laughs* “I’m glad you like it.”

Boy #1: “Dude, I’m like—” *looks at me* “—can I be, like, super honest with you right now?”

Me: “Uh…”

Boy #1: “We’re like. Mega stoned right now. And I kinda feel like I’m floating.”

Me: *Shook* “O-oh!”

Boy #2: “Dude, our movie is gonna start soon.”

Boy #1: “Oh, s***, bro, you’re right. But lady! Thanks for the soaps and stuff!”

I never saw them again but I laugh about it to this day.

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Mum’s Not Just The Word; She’s So Many Words

, , , , | Related | March 21, 2020

(I am playing an online game with my boyfriend and his schoolmates. We’re using Skype to talk. Halfway through a level, his mom comes into the room. We can hear the entire conversation as he left his mic on.)

Mum: “Boy-boy. Mummy is back.”

Boyfriend: “Uh, hi, Mum.”

Us: *snickers*

Mum: “What game are you playing, ah? Looks very violent. Are you sure you’re old enough for this?”

(He’s seventeen and we’re playing “Left 4 Dead 2.” I know for a fact that he modded the zombies to look like stormtroopers and removed the blood spray for FPS purposes.)

Us: *snickers even louder*

(His tone gets more annoyed as he’s still wearing his headphones and can hear us.)

Boyfriend: “Mum. It’s okay. Don’t worry, all right?”

Mum: “Why can’t you go out and play outside more, ah? Keep playing video games in your room and you will forever never have friends.”

Boyfriend: “I’m playing with my friends now, Mum. We’re playing together online.”

Mum: “Which friends?”

Boyfriend: “[Friend #1], [Friend #2] and [My Name].”

Mum: *perks up* “[My Name]? Really? Last time I saw her she was still a little girl.”

Friends #1 & #2: *starts laughing*

Me: *starts dying of embarrassment*

Mum: “And didn’t she used to cry so much when you had to go home?”

Me: “Stop laughing, idiots! I was six when that happened!”

Friends #1 & #2: *laughs even louder*

Boyfriend: “Uh, Mum, that’s–”

Mum: *not listening* “I think I’ve got a picture of the two of you in the bathtub! Lemme go find it.”

Friends #1 & #2: *catcalling*

Me: *dies of embarrassment*

Boyfriend: *long sigh* “She’s gone now. And I’m locking my room.”

Me: *no-nonsense tone* “I am never inviting her to our wedding.”

Friends #1 & #2: “Ooooh.”

Boyfriend: *without hesitation* “Agreed.”

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Mini Candy, Major Brat

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(I work in a self-serve ice cream store where all of the toppings are out front for customers to reach. A mother and three daughters, ages six to sixteen, are pouring toppings into their bowls.)

Mom: “Now, girls, be careful and don’t make a mess, or you’ll be the ones cleaning it up!”

Sixteen-Year-Old: “Oh, I’m not going to be cleaning up anything. That’s not my job.” 

(She took a big spoonful of mini candy, looked me in the eyes, smirked, and dropped the candy onto the floor. The mother didn’t say a thing.)

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