The (Water)Mark Of A Good Boss

, , , , | Working | August 9, 2018

(I work at a company as a photographer. Recently, my boss suggested getting the watermark always used on our images changed, so I got a new watermark from our graphic designer and starting using it. Several weeks later, I am chatting with my boss.)

Boss: *while scrolling through images* “That watermark looks so much nicer than the old one!”

Me: “I agree!”

Boss: “Good job suggesting that.”

Me: “Um… That was actually your idea.”

Boss: “Oh?”

Me: *laughing* “So, good job!”

Boss: “Thanks! I just wanted to be complimented.”

Me: “Slightly backhanded, but hey, it worked!”

Holding You Up To A Lens

, , , , , | Working | February 22, 2018

(My boss fancies herself a photographer, and she has just purchased a new, very high-end camera.)

Boss: “Darn it. I smudged the lens again!” *starts using inside of flannel shirt to clean the lens*

Me: “I have a extra microfiber cloth I can give you—”

Boss: “Nope! I got it!” *continues using flannel shirt* “Just seems to be smudging it all over the lens this time.”

Me: “I also have moist lens wipes; they’re safe for cameras and glasses—”

Boss: “Nope! I got it! It’s almost clean. Just wish these lenses would last longer than they do…” *continues wiping lens with flannel shirt*

Elvis Has Left The Kennel

, , , , , | Right | January 16, 2018

(I do portraits of people’s pets — mostly dogs and cats — though I have done a few other animals, like turtles. My customers are generally very easy to work with, but this one just… I don’t even know.)

Customer: “Hi, I hear you do pet portraits?”

Me: “Yes, indeed, I do! Would you like to purchase one?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a portrait of my dog, Elvis.”

Me: “Sounds good! I can set up an appointment for you pretty much anytime next week. If you would like me to draw Elvis wearing a specific collar or accessory, feel free to bring that in with him, but I have collars and leashes of my own if you’d rather.”

Customer: “Oh, I won’t be bringing him in.”

Me: “Um… Well, I don’t generally do house calls, but if Elvis is unable to leave the house, maybe we can work something out?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s not the problem. You see, Elvis is dead. He passed away, oh, about six years ago, now.”

Me: “Oh. Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t do a portrait of a dog that’s no longer with us.”

Customer: “But can’t you just do it from memory?”

Me: “Well, I could maybe if I had known Elvis, but I didn’t, so… No?”

Customer: “Well, that’s a shame. Thanks, anyway!”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

(I honestly have no idea what she had in mind for me to do.)

Look Dead On The Inside

, , , , , | Working | January 15, 2018

(In preparation for an overseas trip, I’m getting my passport photo taken. Note that the usual requirements as far as expression are either a neutral expression or a natural smile.)

Mom: “Smile for the camera!”

Employee: “You don’t have to do that. Just pretend you’re at the DMV!”

(It took me a bit to stop laughing enough to actually take the photo.)

Photo-Perfect Finish

, , , , , | Romantic | December 13, 2017

(My boyfriend has recently won a fairly prestigious contest for a short story he wrote. As a result, the organization running the contest needs a picture of him for publicity purposes. In spite of being a very lovely person, my boyfriend has what can only be described as “resting b**** face” and doesn’t smile much, to the point that he often has to reassure people who have just met him that he doesn’t dislike them, but that’s just the set of his face. He also absolutely hates pictures of himself.)

Me: “Umm… Okay, just stand by the those trees, I guess.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *snapping a few photos that honestly aren’t terribly good* “Erm… Here, let me try this.”

(I hold my camera way above my head, as my boyfriend is more than a foot taller than I am. This is an improvement, but the photos are still “meh” at best.)

Me: “You know, you could try to smile.”

Boyfriend: “No.” *tries to look even more serious*

Me: “Yeah, yeah, because you’ve got to look like a harda**, even when you’re accepting an award!”

(He starts to laugh, and I manage to snap a photo of it.)

Me: “HA! I did it! I got a picture of you smiling!”

Boyfriend: “D*** it.”

(That was the picture he sent off, and one of the better ones I’ve managed to take of him!)

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