Too Dumb To Be Pushed Ahead  

, , , | Right | January 3, 2020

Customer: “One to see Deadpool, please.”

Me: “Sure. It’s 15-rated, so do you have any ID?”

Customer: “No. I’m 15. I don’t have any ID.”

Me: “I’ll accept a photo of your passport if you can get your parents to send it to you?”

Customer: “I have my school textbooks that say I’m in year 11. You can’t be in year 11 unless you’re 15.”

Me: “That may be, but what if you got pushed ahead? What if you’re a super genius 13-year-old? How am I to know?”

(Weirdly enough, this usually works.)

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The Year Ended With A Karmic Bang

, , , , , , | Legal | December 31, 2019

I am working at the main railway station in Helsinki during New Year’s night when I spot two teenagers lighting up firecrackers and throwing them onto the street where people are walking. I approach them and sternly tell them to stop as they could hurt someone.

While I approach, they are still lighting one up. They throw it without looking, and where else would it land but next to a police car that has just arrived on patrol?

I leave the kids to discuss their actions with the police.

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Ah, The Flower Of Youth

, , , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2019

(I work at an answering service for flower shops. Occasionally, I work the late shift and get prank callers. I can tell these particular callers are a bunch of teens that sound a little high.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Flower Shop]. How may I help you?”

Teen: “Yeah… I need to order some flowers.”

(It’s obvious immediately due to his friends giggling in the background.)

Me: “All right, I’ll be glad to help you with that. What kind of flowers would you like to order?”

Teen: “Well…” *giggles* “What do you got?”

Me: “I have a lovely bouquet of roses.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll get that.”

Me: “Great! What color?”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers* “Red.”

Me: “Okay, so, that’s a dozen white roses.”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers to his friends, giggles* “Yeah.”

Me: “Wonderful, would you like those tulips in a vase?”

Teen: “Huh? Uh… Wait… What?”

Me: “In a vase?”

Teen: “Oh.” *whispers, giggling* “Yeah, yeah…”

Me: “Great! So, that is two dozen blue daffodils in a box. Can I have your name?”

Teen: *click*

(I just sipped my coffee and waited for the next call.)

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Mom Is Going To Explode Before Neo-Tokyo

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 22, 2019

(As a fifteen-year-old, I love anime and frequently watch it with friends. This being the nineties, that means videotapes, usually from a mail-order or That One Weird Video Store. One night, when it is my turn to host, my family is watching a game on the main TV, so I snag the VCR and connect it to the TV in my room. Instead of three or four friends, only one — male — friend arrives. Fifteen minutes into the movie, my mom pops in:)

Mom: “Hey, kids, do you want some soda?”

Me: “No, thanks, we got some already.”

(Ten minutes later, she’s back:)

Mom: “We opened another bag of chips; do you want some?”

Friend: “Sure, thanks.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Mom: “We’re getting pizzas. Do you or [Friend] want anything in particular?”

Me: “Not if you’re getting the usual order.”

(Twenty minutes:)

Mom: “Here’s your pizza.”

Me: “We could have come down and gotten it ourselves, but thanks.”

(Once she’d left the last time, my friend burst out laughing so hard he was crying. I had no idea why my mom was being so solicitous until he explained that she thought we were, ahem, “watching anime,” wink-wink. The thought of taking advantage of my family’s distraction had never once crossed my mind — I mean, it was Akira. To this day, I’m not sure if Mom was hoping to catch us doing something or not. As evidenced by the above, I was a romantically oblivious teenager.)

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Giving History The Finger

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 19, 2019

(My parents are visiting the nation’s capitol and I live nearby, so I meet up with them to tour the Smithsonian Museum of American History. At one of the exhibits is a statue of a colonial period woman holding her arm bent upwards with her palm facing towards her and her index finger pointing upwards. My dad and I are near this exhibit, as are a couple of girls who look to be around 14 or 15.)

Me: *jokingly to my dad* “Oh look, back then they used to flip each other off with this finger.”

Teenage Girl: *seriously* “Wow, really?”

Me: “No, that’s a joke.”

Teenage Girl: “Oh.”

Dad & Me: *silently cracking up as we walk away*

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