Not The Uniform Response For Santa

, , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2017

(I am about seven years old, and it is Christmas Eve. My parents convince me to go to bed hours before, but out of excitement I’ve not gone to sleep yet. I hear my dad head into the attic.)

Me: “Daddy?”

Dad: *clearly surprised to hear me calling so late* “You should be asleep!”

Me: “I know, but, Daddy?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “Are you getting your Santa uniform?”

(I still believed in Santa… because I was convinced my dad was Santa! A few years later, when my best friend told me the truth, I realised I hadn’t been too far off the mark!)

Your Hidden Agendas

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 12, 2017

(My husband and I are coming close to our first wedding anniversary when we move to a new apartment. Apparently, worried that I will discover his card, my husband hides it somewhere. Of course, in the chaos of the move, he forgets where he has hidden it, and is very embarrassed on our anniversary day. A few months later, on Valentine’s, he gives me the present and tells me that he purchased the card but forgot where he hid it. I start to suspect a foul play. Fast forward a few months. While cleaning, I discover the intended Valentine’s Day card, which I successfully give him on the next Valentine’s Day.)

Husband: “My hiding skills pay out very well, don’t they? I buy a card ahead of time. I hide it. I forget about it. You find it and use it.”

Me: “Keep the good stuff coming, love.”

Customer Has Daddy Issues On Your Behalf

, , , , | Right | August 18, 2017

(I work at a low cost retailer on the weekends to make some extra cash. The weekend before Father’s Day, my manager approaches me while I restock some shelves.)

Manager: “Can you work next weekend?”

Me: “Yes. Why?”

Manager: “Thank God! I’m having problems finding people willing to work on Father’s Day.”

(Before I can say anything, an older customer who is standing a few feet away speaks up.)

Customer: “You want to work on Father’s Day? How could you! Don’t you love your father? Don’t you want to spend time with him? What kind of daughter are you? Don’t want to see your own your father on Father’s Day?!”

Manager: *turns to Customer* “I’m sorry, ma’am—”

Customer: *turns her wrath towards the manager* “And you! How could you ask this poor young woman to work on the day made to celebrate her father?!”

(My manager looks flummoxed for a moment, so I jump in.)

Me: “Ma’am? My father has been dead for ten years, and really, he was an a**-hole when he was alive. I don’t think he really cares what I do on Father’s Day.”

(The customer stops and stares at me, her mouth agape. Then she turns and hurries away. I glance at my manager, sure I’m about to get yelled at for cursing at a customer, but am surprised to see him grinning ear to ear.)

Manager: “So… still available to work next weekend?”

You’d Have To Literally Turn Those Numbers Around

, , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2017

Friend: “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Halloween fell on a Friday the 13th?!”

Me: “Yep… that would be crazy!”

(I don’t think she ever figured out her error. What’s funny is that many years later I was sharing this anecdote with another friend and he remarked “I think it did, one time, like, years ago”.)

The Good List Is Flowering This Year

, | NC, USA | Hopeless | May 21, 2017

(I work at a craft and hobby store. it is a few weeks before Christmas, so we have all kinds of Christmas merchandise. One very slow night I’m straightening up an aisle, and a mom sends her young daughter, four to five years old, over to give me some flowers she picked up off the floor. The daughter clearly wants to keep them, but the mom is teaching her about stealing and how you have to pay for things in stores.)

Daughter: *very politely* “Here you go. I found these on the floor, and my mom said I probably should give them to you to put away because we don’t have money to buy them today.”

Me: “Oh, my goodness, thank you! Now, I’ll tell you a little secret. These flowers are actually broken.” *they had fallen off their stems, so it was only the bloom* “So I can’t sell them any more. Would you like to keep them? You did the right thing by bringing them to me, so it’s my way of saying ‘thank you!'”

Daughter: “Oh, yes, thank you! Mommy, mommy, the nice lady said I get to keep them!”

(I explain to the mother that I would just have to throw them away otherwise. Because we’re so slow, I then go to the back to get some other broken flowers that I had taken back earlier. I tell my coworkers to bring me any they have, too. While getting the flowers, I also find some extra floral wire laying around, so I tell a coworker to keep an eye on the mother-daughter duo and not let them leave while I make something really fast. When I’m done, I go out to find the family again.)

Me: “Hi, remember me? Well, I was just so impressed by how good you were being that I went and made a little something for you.” *I pull out a little flower crown that I made from the blooms and wire*

Daughter: “FOR ME?! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!”

Me: “Yep, I think it’s perfect for a polite little princess like yourself. And just so you know, it’s true that Santa’s always watching. We elves are everywhere!” *I put on one of our store “elf hats” and my coworkers come around the corner wearing the hats, too* “You really impressed him today, so he called and asked us to give you that crown!”

(The little girl was speechless, and the mother couldn’t thank us enough. Hopefully, we just helped mold a good future customer!)

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