They Don’t Really Have Those On The Menu

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2018

(I am with a friend in a Chinese restaurant, close to Chinese New Year. My friend wants to wish the waitress a “happy new year” in Cantonese, so I have been doing my best to teach him the phrase. Neither of us are Chinese, but it has been a simple enough phrase for me to learn.)

Me: “It’s, ‘Gong Hey Fat Choy!’

Friend:Hong Kay Fat Koi.”

Me: “What? No… It’s ‘Gong Hey Fat Choy!’

Friend:Gong Hey Fat Choy!

Me: “You got it!”

(The waitress comes over and we order our food as normal. My friend is adorable, bursting with excitement during the whole process about “showing off” his new-found ability to speak four Chinese words.)

Waitress: “Okay, is there anything else I can get you guys?”

Friend: “There is one thing!”

Waitress: “Sure! What would that be?”

Friend:Hung Gay Frat Boy!

(My friend beamed a huge smile, incredibly proud of himself.)

Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

, , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 15, 2018

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”

Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”

Me: “Aww, how romantic!”

Coworker: And it’s my birthday!”

Me: Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special, eh?”

Coworker: “Nope. I’m pretty sure he forgot.”

Me: *pause* “How could he possibly forget?”

Coworker: “I wonder that every year.”

Let’s Hope That Other Thing Doesn’t Peel Off

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2018

(It is Valentine’s Day, and unsurprisingly, I am serving many men buying flowers, chocolates, and condoms.)

Me: “Will you be paying by cash or card?”

Customer: “Card, thanks.”

(I see that the customer’s card is somewhat old, and the plastic film protecting the card is beginning to peel off. The customer’s card is not reading correctly. He repeatedly reenters his card into the machine, thrusting the card into the slot until it works.)

Customer: “This will be me later on.”

(His innuendo finally clicked and we both had a nice chuckle about it.)

There’s No Food Stamps For A Date

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2018

(I have just finished bagging a fairly large load of groceries that were paid for with food stamps. As soon as this girl leaves the building, the next woman in line immediately complains to the cashier.)

Customer: “Lazy trash!”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know. That dumb b**** that was in front of me, buying things with those bull-s*** food stamps. I can’t stand lazy trash like that.”

Cashier: “I see…”

Customer: “I’ll have you know that I work hard for my money. I don’t collect checks sitting on my lazy a** all day, like she does. Probably wasted all of her normal money on drugs, or some s*** like that. Lazy trash!”

(As she continues checking out, she starts complaining about various other things, like the prices of certain items, or whether or not we bagged something correctly, or even the “poor customer service” she received the last time she shopped here. The poor cashier is just standing there, taking her abuse without even flinching. Meanwhile, I’m busy biting my tongue, because I don’t want to say anything that would cost me my job. At last, I finish bagging her groceries, she pays, and we hope that was the end of it.)

Cashier: “I hope you have a happy Valentine’s Day.”

Customer: “How dare you?”

Cashier: “…what?”

Customer: “I’ll have you know that saying that sort of thing is very offensive to those of us that don’t have anyone to be with!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry. I didn’t think—”

Customer: *cutting her off* “—well, maybe you should just keep your d*** mouth shut and do your job!”

(As she storms off, our supervisor, who has heard everything, walks over to us.)

Supervisor: “What the h*** was her problem?”

Me: *sarcastically* “I don’t know, but I can’t believe a woman like that would be single on Valentine’s Day.”

Valentine’s Day Is Not As Confusing As Valentine’s Night

, , , , , , | Working | February 14, 2018

(My manager and I are talking about projected business levels while a coworker putters around. Note that this coworker is a great guy, but can be a little adorably clueless sometimes.)

Manager: “Hmm… Valentine’s isn’t too busy yet, but we get a lot of walk-ins usually, don’t we?”

Me: “Yeah, lots of people come in looking for last-minute bookings.”

Coworker: *incredulously* “Really? Why?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I mean, why get a hotel room on Valentine’s? There’s nothing here to do!”

Me: “Yeah, there definitely is.”

Coworker: “Like what?”

Me: “We’ll tell you when you’re older, [Coworker].”

(My manager cracked up laughing. It should be noted that my coworker is a man in his twenties.)

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