A Fun Day For Everyone!

, , , , , | Working | July 16, 2021

One day, I am getting ready for work when I realized it’s my grumpy store manager’s birthday. She comes in with her usual scowl, but I smile sweetly at her.

Store Manager: “Yes, [My Name]?”

Me: “Happy birthday! Anything fun planned?”

Store Manager: *Surprised* “Oh. Um, thank you. That’s… very kind. How did you know?”

Me: “You told me last year. Remember?”

Store Manager: “Right. Uh, no fun plans. Just work.”

She leaves.

Coworker: “She told you it was her birthday?”

Me: “I don’t actually know how I know that.”

Coworker: “Then what made you remember it’s today?”

Me: “She shares a birthday with Hitler.”

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Digging Deeper Into The Red Tape

, , , , | Working | July 9, 2021

In my town, if you are planning to dig in your yard, you call a number and they’ll come out and mark the location of all sewer, gas, and water lines, etc., so you don’t accidentally dig into one. I call the number.

Me: “I’m planning on putting in a little shed.”

Operator: “Okay. How deep are you planning on digging?”

Me: “I’m not actually going to have to dig.”

The shed is a kit that you bolt to a heavy wooden platform that sits directly on the ground.

Operator: “Sorry, we only mark dig sites.”

Me: “Yes, but I want to make sure I don’t build this on top of a line.”

Operator: “Dig sites only.”

Me: “Yes… but say I build this on top of the water line, and then five years later they have to work on it? I don’t want to have to take the whole thing down.”

Operator: “Dig sites only, sorry.”

Me: “So, what should I do?”

Operator: “Call the water, power, phone, gas, and cable companies and ask if they’ll come out and mark the lines.”

Me: “Is that free, like you guys?”

Operator: “No, they’ll probably each charge you for a service call.”

Me: “You know what? I think I am planning on digging.”

Operator: “How deep?”

Me: “A quarter-inch.”

Operator: “We’ll send someone out this week.”

I couldn’t tell if she was trying to give me a hint or was just that officious.

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As British As Eating Gelato On A Vespa

, , , , | Romantic | July 6, 2021

I live in Italy. I’ve always been a fan of British men’s clothing, especially the country, gentlemanly style, but as a young student, I cannot justify the expense. While on a vacation in Cambridge, my girlfriend spots a jacket on the stand of a secondhand clothes vendor. It’s just what I am after: single-breasted with notch lapels and four-button cuffs, in a warm green corduroy. It’s as British as a red phone booth, it fits my size, and the price is a bargain. Of course, we snatch it up.

Once we’re back home, my girlfriend is getting ready to take the jacket to the dry cleaner and starts laughing.

Me: “What’s so funny?”

She points at the label stitched within the inside pocket: “Made in Italy”.

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The Power To Point Out Stupidity

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2021

I work as a level-two help desk tech at a major university under contract with a government agency to provide computer support. We aren’t bound by any agreement that we can’t point out someone’s stupidity to them when deserved.

This was in the day when everyone was getting laptops but not everyone knew how they worked (so it really could have been yesterday).

Me: “[Agency Help Desk], this is [My Name].”

Client: “I can’t get my laptop to turn off.”

Me: “Okay, did you try holding the power button for five seconds?”

Client: “Yes, but it wouldn’t turn off.”

Me: “Try unplugging it from the power outlet.”

Client: “I did, but it still won’t turn off.”

Me: “So, let’s remove the battery and see what happens.”

Client: “It’s still powered on.”

Me: “So, send it to me, and I will split the money with you.”

Client: “Money? What are you talking about?”

Me: “Well, we’ve found the only laptop in the world that doesn’t require any source of power, and we are going to be rich.”

Client: “Umm, I’ll call back later.”

Me: “Okay, but I was hoping to buy a yacht.”

Client: *Click!*

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It’s Never Too Early For Entitlement

, , , , | Right | July 1, 2021

I head into the office early. I normally just grab a coffee and play on my phone for a bit, maybe show some dedication and open up the place. No sooner have I gotten through the door than the phone rings. We don’t take many calls, so I answer, wondering if it’s the boss, knowing I would be there.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is [Owner #1] there?”

Me: “Sorry, he doesn’t get in until eight.”

Caller: “What about [Owner #2]?”

Me: “No, sorry, they get here for eight or a little after. The office opens at eight, really.”

Caller: “Is [Sales Guy] there? I really need to speak to someone.”

Me: “Sorry, just me. The office opens at eight and most people get here for when it opens.”

Caller: “So, why the f*** did you answer the phone?”

It takes me a few good seconds to comprehend him, and then I reply.

Me: “Mainly to talk to people who don’t know how office hours work. Call back at eight.”

Caller: “What?! I—”

I hung up, not letting him finish. He called again straight after, but unsurprisingly, there was no one to answer. I let the owner know someone called up asking for him and swore at me. He shrugged and told me he would have done the same as I did.

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