A Harmless Necessary Chicken

, , , , , | Working | September 25, 2020

I was inspired by this story to recount my own encounter with unwitting stage fauna.

Some years ago, I was in a summer production of The Merry Wives of Windsor in an outdoor venue. This venue was near a pond and had various birds wandering about. This included a few chickens and roosters.

In a particular scene, a washing basket was onstage at the beginning of a scene. As the actors went about the scene, they noticed they were getting more laughs than usual but thought nothing more than how responsive the audience was. As they got closer to the climax of the scene, they were getting more and more laughs and titters, so they amped up their energy.

In the climax of the scene, Falstaff had to hide in a panic and threw himself into the washing basket…

…to be encountered with a face full of enraged chicken, whose nice cosy resting spot had been disturbed by an actor almost landing on her. Apparently, the hen had been poking her head out of the basket, enjoying the show, to the amusement of the audience, without the actors noticing. The poor chicken took flight, squawking, through the audience, emptying herself on the actor as a final act of revenge. After a momentary pause, during which everyone attempted to pull themselves together, the show resumed. Poor Falstaff had to have a quick costume change.

Related:
A Harmless Necessary Cat

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Making An Offer No One Could Refuse

, , , , | Working | September 25, 2020

Around fifteen years ago, I am traveling around India with a friend of mine from graduate school. He is Japanese and I’m a white male from the US. It is the last call at the bar, and it is time to head back to our hotel. We summon a taxi and are on our way.

I am a little nervous because the ride is taking longer than I anticipated; something about the driver seems shady. My suspicions are confirmed when, halfway through the trip, the driver asks if we want to meet some girls.

Prostitution is not a slap-on-the-wrist crime in India. But since we are foreigners staying at a very fancy hotel — the kind with security out front — he knows we have money. Also, at the time, Japanese tourists have a reputation for being inexperienced travelers and for not being able to hold their liquor.

I tell the driver no thanks. The driver won’t take a no from me as a final answer, so he directs his question to my friend, who just laughs. The driver asks him again.

Friend: “What?”

He looks confused.

Me: “[Friend], say no.” 

Driver: *Loudly* “Do you want to meet girls?”

Friend: “I don’t understand!”

Me: “[Friend], say no!”

Driver: *Yelling* “Do. You. Want. To. F***. Some. B****es?”

There is a pause.

Friend: “Ohhhhhh! No, thanks!”

He laughs.

The rest of the very circuitous trip is spent in silence. I am on edge, but my friend just seems drunk.

When we get to the hotel, the driver announces the price, which is at least twice what it should be. I am about to go ballistic on the driver when my friend holds up one finger, indicating for me to stop, and speaks, dead sober and with a smile on his face. 

Friend: “You have a choice. You can either take [two-thirds of what the fare should be] and go away, or I’m going to go speak to the police officers over there by the front door, and I will tell them exactly what you offered us.”

The driver took what my friend offered.

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This Story Starts At A Ten And Gets Better

, , , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

I am working in a small electronics aisle in a superstore. A sweet old lady has approached me.

Old Lady: “I am looking for this thing for my grandson. Let me see here…”

She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket from one of our ads, and a $10-bill accidentally falls out with it. A middle-aged woman standing nearby sees it, her eyes go wide, and she grabs it and stuffs it in her pocket before the old lady can see.

The poor old lady is looking around very confused, wondering where her wayward bill has gone. I approach the woman.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, I believe that money you just picked up belongs to this customer here.”

Woman: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Ma’am, I saw you—”

Before I can finish, the woman struts off. The old lady is looking at me, slightly shocked.

Old Lady: “Did she just take my money?”

Me: “I’m afraid so, ma’am. Would you like me to call security? I am sure if the camera saw it, we can—”

Old Lady: “No need, she’s not worth it. I just need this item in the ad for my grandson, please?”

The item she’s looking for is a computer tablet, so I open the small cabinet where we stock them.

Old Lady: “Actually, could I have two? This ad is a really good deal!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am!”

I hand her two boxes, advise her that the security tags will be removed at the checkout, and wish her well.

About ten minutes later I am running an errand that brings me near the registers when I hear the alarms going off near the exit. I quickly have a look to see what is happening. The thieving woman from before is shouting at the security guard, and pointing at her receipt.

Woman: “I’ve paid for everything! It’s your f****** broken sensors! This is f****** embarrassing!”

Security: “Ma’am, I can see that everything in your bag matches the receipt. May I search your bag?”

Woman: “Absolutely not! I am not a thief! I am leaving!”

She tries to leave but more security has arrived. She eventually relents and opens her huge designer bag for Security to search… and out comes a box for an electronic tablet, security-tag still attached.

As the woman is screeching that she didn’t put that tablet in there, I see the old woman from before nonchalantly walking past, an ever-so-slight smile on her face, with her just-purchased tablet in her bag.

Just the one tablet, mind you…


Share your experience today! Ever witness a perfect piece of karma? Share your story with the NAR community! We all love to read about the deserving getting their comeuppance!

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The Perfect Place For A Coronary!

, , , , , | Healthy | September 19, 2020

A friend of mine and I are hanging out on the weekend in the next town over, and we stop to get lunch at a deli that’s just opened up that someone else I know has been raving about. The place is small, with several tables close to where you place your order, and all of said tables are full. We walk up to place our orders.

Server: “What can I get you guys today?”

Me: “Can I get a [Special] on white, with no mayo and extra onion?”

Server: “Sure thing!” *Turns to my friend* “What can I get for you, sir?”

My friend is a bit of a picky eater, so it takes him a second to respond. And he tends to like meat and cheese… a lot of meat and cheese.

Friend: *Still skimming the menu* “Yeah… Can I get [Sandwich], no veggies or condiments, with double meat, triple bacon, and quadruple cheese? And some salt.”

The server gives him a strange look and I just snicker.

Me: “He’ll have a heart attack on a bun, basically.”

The server and my friend laugh, and one of the tables behind us pipes up.

Random Person: “Just so you guys know, we’re off-duty.”

I turned around to see who was talking to us; seated directly behind my friend and me was a group of off-duty EMTs, still in uniform! My friend, the server, and I all cracked up laughing for a good minute, and so did the group of EMTs. One of the funniest stars-aligned moments I’ve had to date!

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Thumbs Up, Sister!

, , , , , , , | Related | September 18, 2020

When my husband and I have our first daughter, she occasionally likes to suck on a soother.  

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t like those things.”

Me: “I’m not a huge fan myself, but they comfort [Daughter].”

Mother-In-Law: “None of my kids ever had those.”

That’s when one of her daughters pipes up.

Sister-In-Law: “That’s absolutely true, [My Name].”

My mother-in-law looks smug.

Sister-In-Law: “Of course, I did suck my thumb until I was seven.”

My mother-in-law scowled and changed the subject.

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