I’m going through the Taco Bell drive-through and handed them my American Express Hilton Honors card to pay. Basically, the more I use it, the more hotel points I get.

Employee: *Sincerely.* “Are you the owner of Hilton Hotels?”

Me: *Taken aback.* “No.”

Employee: “Are you in the family?”

Naïve me is thinking she knew what kind of card it was referring to the ‘Hilton honors family’, and that maybe she was a member too.

Me: “Yeah.”

Employee: “Woooow! REALLY? Is Paris, like, your sister?!”

So that’s how my local Taco Bell now thinks that I am an heir to the Hilton family.

I used to work at a game store during the PlayStation 2 era.

Customer: “I want two PlayStation 2’s, two Xbox 360s, [handful of games], and two controllers each.”

My store was pretty slow, so this would be a pretty big sale for the day, and I was excited about it.

She goes to pay and hands me a card.

Me: “Uh… ma’am, this isn’t going to work.”

Customer: “It’s a credit card.”

Me: “It’s not laminated or embossed. In fact, if I were to guess, I’d say this was printed out on a home color printer.”

Customer: “Scan it anyway.”

Me: “There’s no magnetic strip to scan.”

Customer: “Scan it… anyway!”

I scan her fake credit card.

Me: “It doesn’t work.”

Customer: “Then just put the numbers in on your computer.”

Me: “I can’t do that.”

Customer: *Legitimately confused.* “Why?”

Me: “That’s not something we’re allowed to do.”

Customer: “But that’s my card. It works everywhere else!”

Me: “Awesome! Then you can use it at an ATM to pay for all this in cash.”

She stares me down for a few seconds and then walks out of the store. I spend the next few minutes putting everything back on the shelves, laughing at the audacity.

Me: “Are you paying by cash or card today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Card.” *She hands me a credit card.*

Me: “Ma’am, you need to sign the back of the card.”

Customer: “I’m not going to do that. I don’t want anyone to steal my signature.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you’re uncomfortable signing the card, you can write ‘See ID” on the back so that cashiers like me know to check your ID.”

Customer: “No, because all my information is on my ID!”

Me: “That’s… kinda the whole point, ma’am.”

Customer: “But then someone will steal that, too!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only person seeing your ID in this whole process is me.”

Customer: “Exactly!” *Narrows eyes.*

She ended up paying with cash.

My wife and I were shopping at our local grocery store, talking to each other, deciding on what kind of bread we wanted when we were interrupted by a sweaty, panting man in a polo.

Guy: “Hi, folks! Are you using your [Grocery Chain] rewards card today?”

Wife: “Yep!”

Guy: “Well, how would you like an even better card?”

He whips out a [grocery chain] credit card from a retractable sleeve on his belt and holds it like it’s a prize on Price is Right. He then, still panting, flies into a spiel about the benefits, limits, APR, and all the details that neither my wife nor I care to take in.

Guy: “So what do you say? Ready to sign up?”

Wife: “No thanks, we’re good.”

Guy: “Are you sure? I’ll do ten push ups if you do!”

Wife: “…no thank you.”

He dejectedly left, leaving us wondering if the last shoppers he cornered did make him do the push ups. We also stopped going to that store.

I was at Walgreens as a shift lead. My pharmacy tech called me to help with a customer. As I arrive, a customer is chewing out my tech.

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “They won’t accept my credit card.”

I maintain eye contact with the customer and ask her to explain why while I walk to the door to get into the pharmacy.

Customer: “Oh, so now you won’t help either?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m here to help. I just need to get in to access the computer and see what the issue is.”

I set up the POS and asked her to insert her card (it has a chip). She swiped it, so it does not work.

Me: “Ma’am, please insert it.”

She puts the non-chip end in.

Me: “Ma’am, please insert it via the chip end.”

She puts it facing the wrong way. I reach out and say:

Me: “Let me help.”

Customer: “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CARD!”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, I was just trying to help you get the card in the machine correctly.”

Customer: “Well, I swiped it; why won’t you accept it?”

Me: “Ma’am, you aren’t inserting the card correctly; you cannot swipe it.”

She proceeds to try swiping it a few more times.

Customer: “This is stupid! You do it!”

I position the card correctly.

Me: “There, like that. Feel free to insert the card.”

Customer: “Oh, so now you won’t even help me!?”

She then storms off, calling me and the tech various unpleasant names.