I just started working for an energy company, and we’re taking our first calls on the outage line. Mostly it’s easy stuff… until…

Me: “Thank you for calling—”

Customer: “—Shut up and get me a supervisor.”

Me: “All right, while I do that—”

Customer: “—No! I don’t want to talk to you! Get me a supervisor now!”

Now, I’ve done call center work, so I know the drill. But I’m rolling my eyes.

Me: “All right, I’m going to get a supervisor for you. Can I please get some information, so the supervisor knows how best to help you?”

Customer: *Long sigh.* “You idiots made a huge mess, and I demand you clean it up! Now get me a supervisor; I’m not talking to you.”

I get one of our coaches to help me transfer her over, and go on about my day, but I capture the account info that came in to check on it later.

Notes: “Customer upset that neighbor was running noisy generator.”

We don’t provide generators to customers, so she was angry at her neighbor, but blamed us… because electricity?

She wanted us to get rid of it, and the poor supervisor had to explain that it wasn’t ours.

I wonder what it’s like to have that much free time on your hands.

Me: “Thank you for calling the [Store Name] online shopping assistance. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “You didn’t offer me a receipt!”

Me: “Did your receipt from your online order not get emailed to you?”

Caller: “I don’t know! All I know is that you didn’t offer me one! When I’m in your store in [City], there’s a sign at the checkouts that says if the cashier doesn’t offer me a receipt, my whole order is free. You didn’t offer me a receipt, so my order should be free!”

Me: “Sir… that only applies when you’re shopping in one of our physical stores. The staff there are trained to ensure every customer leaves with a receipt. For online orders, it’s different. The receipt is emailed to you after you’ve ordered.”

Caller: “But you didn’t offer me one!”

Me: “Sir… you got your receipt. We don’t need to offer you your receipt as you are 100% guaranteed to get your receipt through our online system.”

Caller: “But no cashier physically offered me a receipt, so my order is free!”

Me: “Sir… how would a cashier have physically offered you a receipt during an online order?”

Caller: “That’s not my problem to figure out! Your sign says that if the cashier doesn’t—”

Me: “—I know what the sign says, sir, but that only applies to the physical store.”

Caller: “Well, the sign doesn’t say that!”

Me: “It doesn’t have to, sir.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because most customers don’t assume we have cashiers physically existing on the internet waiting to hand receipts to customers ordering from their home computers.”

Caller: “I’m going to email your corporate office about this! This is very disappointing!” *Click.*

Manager: “What was that about?”

Me: “Some customer trying to get his $300 order for free because we can’t Tron one of our checkout clerks into his home.”

The call center where I work has a leaderboard for how quickly a customer starts insisting that they “know better” than the tech support guy trying to help them. There are codes for the call recordings of each entry, and the top five are kept in a specially labelled archive where we can easily find them. 

When I got hired, the current #1 slot was already occupied by the worker who had to deal with this guy:

Worker: “Hi, my name is—”

Customer: “—F****** finally! My computer’s not working!”

Worker: “Can you describe—”

Customer: “—Shut the f*** up! I know what I’m doing!”

Worker: *Audibly unable to stop himself.* “Okay, why did you even call tech support if you’re not going to listen to tech support?”

Customer: “F*** you!” *Hangs up.*

I hope I never beat that record.

Caller: “Hello, yes, I’m expecting a check to be sent to me for my refund.”

After checking the account info:

Me: “Yes, I can see that the $7 check will arrive by Monday next week.”

Caller: “That’s cutting it awfully close to the apocalypse.”

Me: “The… apocalypse?”

Caller: *Nonchalant.* “Yes, the world ends on Tuesday, and I need to make sure my house is full of supplies. Not for me, mind you, I know I’m being raptured, but I’m pretty sure at least one of my kids isn’t going to make it, so I need to make sure they have enough Cheerios.”

Our bank branches have a little kiosk in the lobby that asks customers to rate their experience visiting us. They give us a starred review, and if they want to, provide contact details if they’re okay to be called back to discuss their review.

Part of my job is to call customers who have left our bank a one-star review.

Customer: “Your vending machine gave me Skittles that were almost all purple!”

Me: “Uh… the vending machine in the bank lobby?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “You gave your banking experience a one-star review because the Skittles you purchased from a vending machine in the lobby had a disproportionately high number of the purple kind?”

Customer: “Yes! The vending machine is in your building, so it’s your responsibility!”

Me: “Was there anything unsatisfactory with the banking services you received on your visit to the bank?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t bank with you. I only go in on my way to work to buy my Skittles.”