I work in car insurance. A caller is on the line, asking for a quote, and I’m going through the usual questions:

Me: “Have you been involved in any accident, regardless of fault, in the past five years?”

Customer: “No.”

I run the report, and almost make a noise based on what I see.

Me: “Sir, it shows me as you having five accidents in as many years.”

Customer: “Yeah, but those shouldn’t count as they weren’t in the car I’m trying to insure right now.”

Related:
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 26
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 25
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 24
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 23
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 22

Our product uses Google Maps. Please note that we are not Google; we just have their mapping service embedded into ours. Being Google Maps, one of the options is satellite view.

Caller: “Your maps are out of date!”

Me: “We use Google Maps, so all our data is sourced from them. Can you explain what about it is out of date?”

Caller: “I live in [City], and when I look at my home on your tool, I can see my car outside the house. But now I’m on a road trip and staying at my friend’s house. We checked it out, and we can see his car outside his house on the map, but there’s no sign of mine!”

Me: “Well, those are satellite photos, not live images, so—”

Caller: “—I know that! I’m not an idiot! But I’ve been here all morning, and it hasn’t refreshed. When are you going to fix it?!”

Years ago, I was the top contact for Point-of-Sale support for a high-end hotel chain in the US.

One day, I got a call from our San Diego location. They were setting up six bar terminals for a Comic-Con event that evening, and all of them kept randomly shutting down and restarting.

I was a bit mystified because it was happening randomly to each terminal (as opposed to all at once). At one point, their on-site tech mentioned that it was kind of hard to read the screen, but I didn’t think much of it. 

Everything looked fine from a network perspective until the machines would indeed randomly restart after ten to fifteen minutes. Very unusual behavior, and it wasn’t affecting any of the twenty-ish other identical terminals at the hotel. 

After speaking with the on-site tech for about forty-five minutes, he reveals some key information while making chit-chat.

On Site Tech: “Man, it’s so hot out here.”

Me: “…Wait, are you outside?”

On Site Tech: “Yeah, I think they said it was the hottest it’s ever been this time of year.”

Me: “Okay. And these terminals are all outside?”

On Site Tech: “Yep.”

Me: “Are they in direct sunlight?”

On Site Tech: “Uh huh.”

Me: “On the hottest day on record… Um, I think I’ve figured out what is going on. Set up some umbrellas over the terminals, and let’s hope there’s no permanent damage.”

Caller: *Straight to screaming.* “Your app isn’t working! I need it to be working right now!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Let’s troubleshoot the—”

Caller: “—I don’t have time for troubleshooting! I need to complete a transaction right now! You’re such a useless bank! I can’t believe I’m paying for your s***ty service!”

I tried calming him down and checking what seemed to be the problem. I checked his account details, and there was no lock or anything on his mobile banking. So, I tried the usual stuff:

Me: “Did you close the app and reopen it?

Me: “Did you clear the apps in the background?

Me: “Did you restart the phone?”

I exhausted all the options I had without figuring out the problem. As a last shot, I ask:

Me: “Are your other apps working fine?”

Caller: “No, I don’t have any internet on my phone right now.”

Me: “…”

As luck would have it, this call was randomly selected as part of my mid-year performance evaluation with my boss.

Supervisor: “I think you just got the 21st-century version of the caller who couldn’t get his computer to work during a power outage…”

I used to work at General Motors Financial as an account representative. Basically, I would talk to customers about their car payment, try to assist them if they were behind, or just accept payments from them.

A lady called in, and after I said my usual opening statement, thanking them for calling us:

Me: “So, how may I assist you today?”

Caller: “Are you giving away free cars?”

Really giving her the benefit of the doubt here:

Me: “Do you mean zero upfront payment?”

Caller: “No, like zero any payment. No payments ever.”

Me: “Oh, so like, free free.”

Caller: “Yeah!”

Me: “Uh… no. Sadly, General Motors is currently unable to support that business model.”

Caller: “Ah, d***. You too, huh? Do you know anyone who does?”

It was a miracle that I didn’t explode with laughter until after the call ended.