Do Not Password, Do Not Pass Go

, , | Right | April 16, 2019

(I can’t count how many times this happens in a day. Bear in mind I’ve done this job for seven years.)

Me: “—and finally, can I take your password?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

(Of course, you don’t. I mean, I CLEARLY JUST ASKED FOR THE FUN OF IT!)

Me: “You certainly do; I am looking at it now.”

Customer: “What is it?”

Me: “Well, that defeats the point of a password.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous.”

Me: “…”

(I mean, really, do I hate myself that much that I would ask this for seven years nonstop just for the craic?!)

That Escalated Quickly

, , , | Right | April 16, 2019

(I work technical support for a fitness call center. A customer calls about a broken exercise machine.)

Me: “Thank you for verifying your information, Mrs. [Customer]. In case we get disconnected, can I reach you at [phone number]?”

Customer: “If we get disconnected and you do not call back, I will hunt you down and give you the sex change operation you wish you never had.”

Me: *shocked* “Was that a threat?”

Customer: “You had better call back.”

Return To Sender

, , , , | Right | April 16, 2019

(I work for a bank’s call centre, and while it’s not what I primarily deal with, once in a while I handle mortgage problems. It is important to note that in Canada, if you have a mortgage you have to show proof of house insurance or else the bank will automatically add their insurance to your mortgage payment. Without house insurance, you could lose your mortgage with the bank. Their insurance is not cheap. It is also important to note that for privacy reasons, most insurance companies won’t send proof of insurance — which they usually send out yearly — directly to any mortgage holder. On this call, I am transferred an irate customer from a new hire who has no idea how to help him.)

Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Bank]; how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got a notification that you’re going to charge me for insurance. I already have insurance from [Outside Insurance Broker].”

Me: “All right, let me look into this for you. It seems like we need you to send in a new proof that your insurance is being continued on your house.”

Customer: “Why can’t you get it from my insurance broker? It’s a pain to have to send it in every year.”

Me: “Insurance companies won’t send proof of insurance directly to us without your permission, as they want to maintain your privacy. They should have sent the renewal to you so that you could forward it to us.”

Customer: “I don’t want to do this every year. I have insurance. Why can’t you ask them for the proof that my insurance has been renewed?”

Me: “I’m sorry if I didn’t explain this well. Even if we did ask your insurance company, they would not give us the information. I know that it is an extra step, but in order to not have to pay the bank’s insurance, you just have to send us the renewal information. Would you like me to provide you the information on where to send it?”

Customer: “No, I have it. I just don’t think I should have to send this. It should be up to you to get it. Having to do this every year is an inconvenience!”

Me: “It’s not us stopping us from getting the information. Have you tried asking your insurance company to provide us with the information directly?”

Customer: “I asked. They won’t do it.”

(I pause.)

Me: “So, you are aware that it is not us stopping the information from being sent directly to us?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And you have the information on where to send the proof of insurance?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, if you know that it is your insurance company who won’t send us the proof of insurance, and you have the information on how to get it to us, and you understand that all of this is completely out of our control, I have to ask: what were you hoping to accomplish with this call?”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to send this in!”

Scream If You Don’t Want To Go Faster

, , , , | Right | April 14, 2019

(I work at a call center that uses an online ticket system for open issues and assigns the tickets a priority level. Our “Tier 2” team then works the tickets based on the level of urgency: the high priority tickets are dealt with within a day, medium within two or three, and low priority about a week. Our company is a subsidiary of a well-known, multi-billion dollar corporation, and as such, they very much have the “customer is always right” attitude. To retain our sanity with horrible customers, we have developed a subtle way to “stick it” to them when they’re being obnoxiously rude: knocking their priority level down. The customer still ends up with a resolution, but not nearly as expeditiously as they would have if they had behaved civilly. One customer finally catches on after months of slow resolutions after being constantly verbally abusive.)

Caller: “I don’t understand why this s*** takes so long. I yell to light a fire under your a**es and it just takes longer than ever! Meanwhile, my friend, [Other Regular Caller], says when he calls his tickets seem to be processed right away! This is bulls***!”

Me: “Oh, you’re friends with [Regular]?! He’s such a sweetheart. He just called in this morning. He talked about how he was traveling in a few days to spend some time with his mom and he wanted to see if we could push his ticket through before he left. We really aren’t supposed to, but it’s so hard to say no to someone so nice!”

Caller: “SEE?! How come he gets priority and you lazy f*****s all drag my s*** out?”

(Suddenly, the line goes quiet.)

Caller: *clearly coming to an epiphany* “Ah. I think I get it. I’m an a**hole. [Regular] is nice. You guys do nice things for nice people. Well, ain’t that some s***! I’ve been going about this the wrong way!”

(He did a quick 180 and started being one of our nicest callers, even though we knew it was just to get “expedited service” — which wasn’t really expedited; it was just not knocked down — but we didn’t even mind. We were just happy to have one less screamer!)

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Initially Incorrect

, , , , , | Legal | April 13, 2019

(I am a “mononym.” That is, I only have one legal name, which I tend to use as a surname.)

Caller: “Please could I have your first name?”

Me: “I don’t have a first name, only a surname: [My Name].”

Caller: *thinks for a second* “What about an initial?”

Me: “An initial? For a first name that I don’t have?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

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