I used to work in a call center that dealt with travel bookings from credit card reward points.

Caller: “I’m in Japan!”

Me: “Okay, sir. And how can I help you today?”

Caller: “I booked my flight and hotel with my reward points!”

Me: “Okay, sir. And… how can I help you today?”

Caller: “I want my flights and hotel all to be refunded!”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Caller: “The museum is closed!”

Me: “What museum?”

Caller: “The museum I came all this way to see! It’s closed on the only day I’m in Tokyo!”

Me: “Was this a museum an attraction booked using your reward points?”

Caller: “Of course not! You only do flights and hotels!”

We do some attractions, but this caller doesn’t seem to know that, so he definitely didn’t use us to book it.

Me: “Sir, we can’t control when a tourist spot, one that we don’t even work with, that’s halfway around the globe, is open.”

Caller: “I know that! But you will refund me all my points for the inconvenience.”

Me: “We are not the cause of the inconvenience.”

Caller: “I know that too! But those idiots at the museum can’t speak English good so you’re all I’ve got!”

Me: “Regardless of our ability to understand each other, my organization has provided the services you required of us. We do not owe you any refunds.”

Caller: “But your rewards points are the reason I started planning this trip in the first place!”

Me: “I thought the museum was the reason for the trip?”

Caller: “I… just… refund my points!”

Me: “Allow my ability to ‘speak English good’ to make it very clear that we will not be doing that, sir. I hope you get to enjoy the rest of your trip.”

Caller: “That’s all you have to say to me?!”

Me: “Uh… Sayōnara?”

I’m going through a security verification with a caller.

Me: “…and what is the answer to your security question, sir?”

Caller: “Jurassic Park.”

Me: “That’s the wrong answer.”

Caller: “Jaws?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

After failing a few more attempts, we go through verifying him through a secondary method. Only then could I tell him:

Me: “The answer to your security question was ‘The Color Purple‘.”

Caller: “Oh yeah! I made the question my favorite Steven Spielberg movie, but I set it as wrong on purpose, for extra security! I chose one of his stupid woke movies instead.”

Me: “Riiiiight. Well, I’d recommend you have a way to remember the answer you chose, even if it’s wrong.”

Caller: “Okay, well let’s change the question to favorite James Cameron movie, which is actually Terminator 2, but let’s pick one of his stupid woke ones, like Avatar.”

I set it up for him, and we get on with the actual call. I leave a note on his file stating his interesting way of remembering his security answer. 

I was flagged a month later by a coworker, who took a call from this guy. Apparently, he’d forgotten, once again, his whole process for setting his security answer and had to reset it again.

His new current security answer is “Interstellar”, so I guess he considers that the ‘Wokest’ of Christopher Nolan’s films.

I work in a call centre for a UK bank that has a credit card.

Caller: “I have an issue with my credit card. It’s not refreshing.”

Me: “Refreshing? Like, the app isn’t refreshing?”

Caller: “No! My credit limit! It’s a new month, and the amount hasn’t refreshed!”

Me: “Oh, so you’re not seeing a payment made on the card appear on the account?”

Caller: *Heavy sigh.* “Okay, I see I am going to have to explain this to you like a child. My credit card has a credit limit of £1,000. I spent it last month, but this month my balance hasn’t refreshed. I want to spend my new £1,000!”

Me: “And you haven’t paid any of that money back?”

Caller: “Why would I do that?”

Me: “Madam, you’re making it sound like you’re expecting your credit card to… uhm… top up with £1,000 for you to spend every month.”

Caller: “Yes, that’s how they work.”

Me: “That is not how they work. You need to pay that money back to the bank.”

Caller: “You do?”

Me: “Yes, madam.”

Caller: “Well, that’s disappointing. Okay, well, make me a new card with a new balance, and I’ll use that to pay off the other balance. Make my new credit limit £2,000 so I still have £1,000 left to spend.”

Me: “First, that’s not how it works, for many reasons. Also, even if we did that, you’d then need to pay back £2,000.”

Caller: “And then you’ll give me a new credit card with a £3,000 credit limit the next month! Am I going to have to explain this to you like a child?”

It took some extensive explaining as to why her scheme wasn’t possible. Before hanging up, she expressed her ‘uttermost disappointment’ that the money would need to be paid back.

I work in a medical billing call center. A paranoid patient calls to ask about their bill.

Caller: “I’m holding my bill, and I need to know about [items]!”

Me: “Okay. On the bill you’re holding, what’s the account number in the top right corner?”

There is an extended pause.

Caller: “…How do you know it’s in my hand?”

Me: “Um… You just told me that you have it.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t know what kind of technology you have. You might see me through the phone!”

Me: “I promise you this is just a regular phone call.”

Caller: “Well thank God because I’m naked.”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Hello?! Are you there!”

Me: “Uh… yes. What’s the account number in the top right corner?”

The call proceeded mostly normally after that, although they kept reminding me that they were naked and I better not be lying about not being able to see them…

This is my previous submission. Why dispatchers get frustrated with callers… today’s lesson: police calls.

Note, in our state, 911 centers do not dispatch state police (highway patrol), but receive 911 calls that we transfer to them.

First Caller: “My mother called me and said she’s being harassed by an aggressive driver. Send the police.”

Me: “Where is she?”

First Caller: “Main Street.”

Which, as it happens, is miles long and passes through three different police jurisdictions.

Me: “I need a more exact location to get the proper help.”

First Caller: “Why are you being so difficult? Just send the police.”

Me: “I can’t send anyone if I don’t know where she is. Can she call 911? Then our map will give us an idea of where she is.”

First Caller: “I told you. She’s on Main Street. She called me. She can’t call you.”

If she can call you, she sure as heck can call me, but I can’t say that.

At this point, the call was sent to the state police since they cover a good bit of the road. As their phone was ringing, [First Caller] called me a particularly rude name. Nice.

State Police: “This is state police.”

First Caller: “My mother is at [very specific business name with an address in our system, to which we do dispatch], being followed by an aggressive driver.”

State Police: “Did your mother call 911?”

First Caller: *Hangs up.* 

I get my second caller:

Second Caller: “There’s a van broken down in the road. It’s blocking traffic, and they just need help moving. It’s at [State police jurisdiction].”

Me: “Was there an accident? Is anyone hurt?”

Second Caller: “No, he just needs a tow or something.”

The call is transferred to state police; we stay online to make sure there’s nothing we need to do.

Second Caller: *To police.* “A van ran off the road and is in a ditch, and the driver is trapped inside.”

I immediately dispatched fire and EMS, which would have happened sooner if the caller had told us this.

Fire Chief: “I’m here at the location. There’s no accident. The van is stuck in the road, broken down, and needs a tow.”

Me: *Head hits desk.*

Lessons from today’s sermon: If you need help, call 911. Do not call Aunt Betty. Know where you need help; it’s the first thing we will always ask. And whatever you do, don’t tell 911 one thing and someone else another, and do not waste emergency resources and time (especially in our area, where it’s mostly volunteer).