A Likely Story, Buddy Boy

, , , , , , , | Legal | January 16, 2021

I work in a big box store. As with many of these stores, we have a Loss Prevention Officer — someone in plain clothes, not a uniform, whose job it is to keep an eye out for theft and shoplifters.

One day, I am called upstairs to the manager’s room. Our LPO has caught a teenager attempting to steal several items, and, per store policy, they need an employee to sit with the LPO and the would-be thief while we await the police.

The young man is quite upset and is begging and pleading with the LPO to not call the police.

Young Man: “I’m a good kid ordinarily! This was just a momentary lapse in judgment! I’ve never done anything like this before, and I swear I never will again!”

The LPO and I both stare at him, unable to understand why he would even attempt this as a defense with the two items he attempted to steal lying on the table in front of him.

The items in question? A crowbar and bolt cutters.

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Karma Is Sweet And A Little Muddy

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2020

I’m taking my dog for walks in the linear park — a former railway line — behind my house. Although I’m middle-aged, I have arthritis, so I walk with a cane.

As I’m walking, I see three teenage boys on bicycles coming towards me. And then, I can suddenly tell they’ve seen me, too. The atmosphere changes.

I call my dog over to me, stop walking, and stand to one side of the path. They speed up on their bikes and I can now hear them using ableist slurs between them. I brace for trouble.

As they pass, one of the boys sticks his leg out, aiming to catch my cane with it and send me tumbling.

There is a flaw in his plan. My walking stick is light and thin… because it’s made of reinforced carbon fibre. And I have my full weight bearing down on it.

His foot hits my cane and suddenly he and his bike are going in different directions. His bike smashes into a tree whilst he crashes to the ground, into a big muddy puddle.

Big brave boy on his bike about to knock over a “cripple” is now muddy and wet, and his bike is damaged. So he bursts into tears.

I burst into laughter, and then my dog and I walked home. I think even my dog was laughing at him.

This story is part of our Bicycle roundup!

Read the next Bicycle roundup story!

Read the Bicycle roundup!

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Merry Crimemas, Kid

, , , , , , | Legal | December 23, 2020

We used to live in a poorer area of the city. While it wasn’t the worst, we learned quickly what not to do to become a target or have our stuff stolen.

Even though we have moved, I’ve kept some of the mentality. My wife calls me paranoid, but I think there is no harm in being safe.

As such, at Christmas, we now put a wreath on the door, but I make sure to tie it to something on the inside with a few cords of strong ribbon.

Late one night, I hear a bang, swearing, and crying coming from outside.

I open the door to find my wreath, not on the hook, but hanging from the cord, and a teenager on the ground crying over his foot.

It’s clear what’s happened and I have zero sympathy.

Me: “That’s what you get from stealing from people.”

Teenager: *Sobbing* “You’re not going to tell my mum, are you?”

Me: “No, but the police will be here soon enough.”

He goes back to wailing and holding his foot. I call an ambulance and ask if an officer can attend. They arrive quickly and the policewoman talks to me about what happened.

Me: “Look, I don’t want him to get into any trouble, but perhaps he could be scared straight a bit.”

Policewoman: “We would have to look into it, but it would be hard to prove an offence had been committed unless there was some camera footage or witness testimony.”

Me: “Honestly, that’s fine. He looks like a wet blanket that just needs a lesson.”

After a while, the boy’s mother turned up. She was immediately on the defensive, but she was shut down quickly after the police told her that her son had admitted to trying to steal the wreath. I decided not to take it any further and they hobbled off into the night without a word.

I got a Christmas card through the door with an apology from the boy a few days later, something about a dare and how he wouldn’t do anything like that again. Hopefully, the lesson will last.

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There’s Patience And Then There’s… Whatever This Is

, , , , , | Legal | December 13, 2020

When I am in high school, I have a classmate who is growing up in foster care, bouncing around from home to home. With all the constant switching, he learns that he can get away with pretty much anything because nobody actually punishes him for it. They just ship him off to the next foster home and let the new family worry about him.

One of my cousins, who lives in the same town, feels really sorry for this guy because of his “rough life” and thinks that if he only had a friend, he would realize how mean he is being and start being nice, instead. She is determined to be his friend no matter what he does.

One day, when all three of us — [Cousin], [Classmate], and I — are about sixteen, [Cousin] and I go to a fast food restaurant together. To our surprise, [Classmate] is working behind the counter.

Cousin: “Hey, [Classmate], I didn’t know you worked here.”

Classmate: “Yeah, it’s only temporary. I only got a job because my new foster family thinks I need to learn responsibility or something. I hate it, and my boss hates me, but I’m getting paid, so whatever.”

Cousin: “Well… it’s nice that your new foster family cares about you and that you have some money now.”

Classmate: “Nah, they don’t care. They just caught me smoking weed and told me that I could either get a job or go to juvie.”

Cousin: “Oh… Well… that’s nice of them to not call the police, I guess.”

Classmate: “Whatever. I’m trying to get fired and blame it on my boss. As long as I can convince my foster family that my boss is just rude, they’ll stay off my back about it.”

Cousin: “What do you mean, trying to get fired?”

Classmate: “You know, spitting in the fryer and licking the hamburger buns and stuff. I’ve been doing stuff like that all week, but my manager hasn’t caught me yet.”

I finally drag [Cousin] out of the restaurant, and when I tell my parents what [Classmate] said, my mom calls the restaurant to tell the manager what is going on. [Classmate] is immediately fired, and his foster family ships him off to another family in a different part of the county. A few months later, [Classmate] shows up back at school. [Cousin] and I run into him in the hallway, and after asking him about the last few months, [Cousin] apologizes for getting him fired from his job at the fast food restaurant.

Classmate: “Don’t worry about it. I found a new way to get some money.”

Cousin: “Oh, you got another job?”

Classmate: “Nah, f*** that. My new foster dad had surgery a few months ago. He has some pain pills left over, so I brought them to school to sell to kids.”

Cousin: “You’re… selling medicine?”

Classmate: “Yeah, $10 a pill. You guys want any?”

Once again, I dragged [Cousin] away from this guy. [Classmate] ended up getting caught selling the pills and was finally sent to juvenile detention for a year. [Cousin] tried to stay in touch with him; her parents banned her from visiting him in person, but she called him on the phone and wrote him letters.

Because of her optimism, [Cousin] and I drifted apart pretty quickly and stopped talking to each other.

[Classmate] was released from juvenile detention after serving his sentence. By then, [Cousin], [Classmate], and I were all seventeen or eighteen years old, and [Cousin] decided to get [Classmate] a gift to celebrate his release. Before she could give it to him, [Classmate] was arrested while trying to break into a pharmacy to steal prescription drugs. He was arrested, tried as an adult, and sent to prison.

[Cousin] STILL thought he was a good guy and started visiting him in prison. When he was released, he proposed to [Cousin] “because she cared so much about him,” and of course, [Cousin] said yes. Not even a week after he was released from prison, he was arrested AGAIN — this time for pulling a gun on a pharmacy cashier and demanding money and drugs. He and [Cousin] got married while he was in prison, and [Cousin] STILL thinks he’s a good guy who just needs a friend.

I guess some people are just meant for each other?

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The Art Of Being A Cool Kid

, , , , , | Friendly | December 11, 2020

As I am walking home from school, I pass these ladies outside our neighborhood’s town center with a Christmas tree, tables, and clipboards. These ladies look to be in their early forties to early sixties. Out of curiosity, I walk up to them.

Me: “Hello!”

Lady #1: “Hi there! Are you interested in helping a child in need this Christmas?”

Me: “Sure! What do I have to do?”

The three ladies look a little shocked at this.

Lady #2: “You pick a kid’s name off the tree, and then you just follow the instructions on the ornament!”

Lady #1: “Would you like to have your parents come back and write their names and phone number?”

Me: “No, it’s fine; I’ll put down my info.”

All the ladies are very shocked at this.

Lady #3: *Pause* “Sign here, please.”

I put down my information and pick a ten-year-old boy who wants an arts and crafts kit.

Me: “Wow! I got lucky! I got a kid who loves art, too!”

Lady #1: “You… you like art?”

Me: “Yeah! I take it at school! Bye!”

As I walk off, I can hear [Lady #1] talking.

Lady #1: “See, [Lady #2]? Not all teenage girls are self-centered b****es!”

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