Mum’s Not Just The Word; She’s So Many Words

, , , , | Related | March 21, 2020

(I am playing an online game with my boyfriend and his schoolmates. We’re using Skype to talk. Halfway through a level, his mom comes into the room. We can hear the entire conversation as he left his mic on.)

Mum: “Boy-boy. Mummy is back.”

Boyfriend: “Uh, hi, Mum.”

Us: *snickers*

Mum: “What game are you playing, ah? Looks very violent. Are you sure you’re old enough for this?”

(He’s seventeen and we’re playing “Left 4 Dead 2.” I know for a fact that he modded the zombies to look like stormtroopers and removed the blood spray for FPS purposes.)

Us: *snickers even louder*

(His tone gets more annoyed as he’s still wearing his headphones and can hear us.)

Boyfriend: “Mum. It’s okay. Don’t worry, all right?”

Mum: “Why can’t you go out and play outside more, ah? Keep playing video games in your room and you will forever never have friends.”

Boyfriend: “I’m playing with my friends now, Mum. We’re playing together online.”

Mum: “Which friends?”

Boyfriend: “[Friend #1], [Friend #2] and [My Name].”

Mum: *perks up* “[My Name]? Really? Last time I saw her she was still a little girl.”

Friends #1 & #2: *starts laughing*

Me: *starts dying of embarrassment*

Mum: “And didn’t she used to cry so much when you had to go home?”

Me: “Stop laughing, idiots! I was six when that happened!”

Friends #1 & #2: *laughs even louder*

Boyfriend: “Uh, Mum, that’s–”

Mum: *not listening* “I think I’ve got a picture of the two of you in the bathtub! Lemme go find it.”

Friends #1 & #2: *catcalling*

Me: *dies of embarrassment*

Boyfriend: *long sigh* “She’s gone now. And I’m locking my room.”

Me: *no-nonsense tone* “I am never inviting her to our wedding.”

Friends #1 & #2: “Ooooh.”

Boyfriend: *without hesitation* “Agreed.”

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Mini Candy, Major Brat

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2020

(I work in a self-serve ice cream store where all of the toppings are out front for customers to reach. A mother and three daughters, ages six to sixteen, are pouring toppings into their bowls.)

Mom: “Now, girls, be careful and don’t make a mess, or you’ll be the ones cleaning it up!”

Sixteen-Year-Old: “Oh, I’m not going to be cleaning up anything. That’s not my job.” 

(She took a big spoonful of mini candy, looked me in the eyes, smirked, and dropped the candy onto the floor. The mother didn’t say a thing.)

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This Teen Will Get Fried When He’s Grilled About The Sides

, , , , , | Right | March 18, 2020

(I’m serving a family with a young teenager. He orders the grilled chicken tenders, and then changes them to fried because he didn’t know the difference.)

Me: “Okay, and what side would you like?”

Teenager: “Ranch?

Me: “Of course! That, however, is a sauce and doesn’t count as a side. What else would you like?”

Teenager: “Got any hot sauce?”

(His parents had to help him decide what to get. I worry for his future.)

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Of Callers And Communists

, , , , , | Working | March 12, 2020

(I work as a supervisor in a small local bakery. On Fridays and Saturdays, I have two teenagers in the shop to help out and, while they have a lot of promise, they still have a bit of learning to do. This all happens within about ten minutes. The phone rings.)

Me: *busy prepping orders* “[Teenager #1], hon, can you just check the caller ID for me?”

Teenager #1: “It’s the ordering company.”

Me: “Ah, brilliant. Can you just pick up and tell them we don’t need anything until next week?”

([Teenager #1] picks up the phone and, without saying the name of the bakery or even, “hello,” he says…)

Teenager #1: “We don’t need anything until next week.” *hangs up*

Me: “Uh, okay, we’re going to work on your phone manner, hon.”

(Two minutes later, I’m coming into the kitchen from the shop front.)

Teenager #2: “Oh, [My Name], where is Stalin from?”

Me: “He was from Russia.”

Teenager #2: “Oh, yeah. So, [Teenager #1], Stalin was this really famous Nazi…”

Me: “Erm, he was a communist and a Soviet leader.”

Teenager #2: “Are they different?”

(At this moment, I notice a customer in the shop front and go through to serve them.)

Customer: “Can I get the doughnut with the um… ah… millions and billions?”

Me: “Oh, hundreds and thousands!” *what British people call sprinkles*

Customer: “Oh, yeah! Sorry, you must think I’m a right idiot.”

Me: *smiling wanly* “Not at all, sir. In fact, do you want a job?”

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The Twilight Of Our Youth, Part 9

, , , | Right | March 11, 2020

(This happens right as the first “Twilight” movie is leaving theaters, and the DVD commercials are starting to play. A young teen girl enters with her mom and approaches the counter. The mom wanders off immediately.)

Girl: “Where’s the Twilight movie at?”

Me: “I’m sorry, it’s in between being in theaters and out on DVD right now. It’ll be available in less than a month I believe.”

Girl: *pauses and takes a long look at me, and then says in a dramatic monotone only angsty teens can produce* “My life is so tragic.”

Related:
The Twilight Of Our Youth, Part 8
The Twilight Of Our Youth, Part 7
The Twilight Of Our Youth, Part 6

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