You Can Bite Me!

, , , , , , | | Friendly | May 22, 2018

(I’ve been feeling a bit ill, and my friend suggests I get some food since I haven’t eaten all day. The nearest fast food place has recently gotten self-service kiosks, which I really like using. After paying for my food, I go to the pick up area, and there are several other customers waiting. Three young boys, probably 12 to 15 years old, are stood flush against the counter, leaning over it and trying to claim every order the servers bring forward, loudly proclaiming that it is their food. The servers aren’t stupid, and do their best to work around them. One of the boys already has a bag of food; I don’t know if it is his or not. My order has some special food items in it, so it is taking a little while longer than most of the other orders. I’ve seen these jacka**es try and pull this stunt with about twenty people’s food by the time I see a server put my order together and bring it forward. One of the boys leans forward, grasping for bag.)

Child #1: “That’s mine. Give it here.”

Server: *doing their best to ignore him and keep food out of his reach* “Number 875?”

Child #1: “Come on, d**k. Give me my food.”

Me: *stepping forward, holding my numbered ticket aloft* “Me, thanks.”

Child #2: *reaching to grab food as it’s handed over* “Give it, b****!”

Me: *snatching it, drawing back, and giving these punk kids my best death glare* “If you try to take my food, I will f****** bite you!”

(I’m in my mid-twenties but I often get mistaken for being much younger.)

Child #3: “What did she say?”

Child #2: “She said if we take her food she’ll bite us.”

Child #1: “Please, you’re like twelve!”

(I take a step forward to challenge them, but they all take a huge step away, clearly wary I’ll follow through on my threat. I leave with my food and message my friend to tell him what just happened.)

Me: “You won’t believe what just happened.”

(I tell him.)

Friend: “See? I told you food would get you back to normal.”

Pre-Teen, Pre-Warned

, , , | Right | May 16, 2018

(I work at a park that contains, among other things, a go-kart track and a mini-golf course. The park has a reputation for being family-friendly. I usually run the go-kart track, but the cashier is running late so I am at the register. Two teenagers walk in; they look about 16 years old.)

Customer #1: “We would like children’s mini-golf.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I can only sell children’s golf tickets to children 12 and under. Would you like to pay as an adult?”

Customer #2: *infuriated* “But we are 12!”

(I see that they are clearly over 12 years old, but I sell children’s golf to them anyway, to avoid causing a disturbance.)

Me: “I’m sorry about that; I just assumed you were over 12.”

(They give me the most ominous look of anger as I hand them the equipment. About two hours later I am called to the front after finishing a go-kart ride.)

Coworker: “I just received an interesting call.”

Me: “Oh, no…”

Coworker: “It was this girl’s mom. She was screaming at the top of her lungs about you discriminating against her daughters and insulting them. She said you should be fired and she’s never coming back.”

Me: “Um… They were teenagers trying to pass off as children.”

Coworker: “Well, if I was a 12-year-old girl and somebody thought I was 16, I would be ecstatic.”

The Bagging Is Flagging

, , , , , , | Right | May 9, 2018

(I am waiting in a rather short line at the grocery store. There is an elderly woman in front of me, and a mother with her adult daughter in front of her. For a short line, it is taking a good ten minutes for the cashier to finish scanning the items. The customer hasn’t started bagging the items yet; the bagger is on a different lane at the moment. After watching what is going on for several minutes, the elderly woman taps the daughter on the shoulder and asks sweetly:)

Elderly Woman: “Excuse me, sweetie. How old are you?”

Daughter: “I just turned 21!”

Elderly Woman: “Then get off your a** and help your mother.”

(I choke back laughter. The mother is sputtering and ANGRY, but she can’t get the words out, which is so funny to me.)

Cashier: “At least someone said it.”

(The bagger from the other lane comes over, bags the groceries, put them in the cart, and wishes the lady a nice day. The woman and her daughter leave quickly.)

Elderly Woman: *to the cashier* “I’m sorry about that, darling. It irks me when kids these days expect other people to do everything for them.”

Cashier: *to [Elderly Woman]* “It’s okay. I remember their faces.”

Me: *erupts in laughter*

Speedaway From This Conversation

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 4, 2018

(I’m at rehearsals for an upcoming play with my local players’ society. I’ve gone into the kitchen in the village hall where a group of teens, who are also part of the play, are talking.)

Teen #1: Hey, [My Name], what team do you support?”

Me: “The Poole Pirates.”

Teen #1: “Who?!”

Me: “The Poole Pirates! Best speedway team ever.”

Teen #2: “We were on about football.”

Me: “Well, you should have said.”

Teen #1: “Why do you even support them? You’re not even from Dorset!”

Me: “What football team do you support?”

Teen #1: “Chelsea.”

Me: “You’re not from the Chelsea area, so why do you support them?”

Teen #1: “Whatever.”

(They all went back to talking about football and just ignored me.)

Totally Quackers

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 30, 2018

(We love the ducks at [Theme Park]. My wife tends to call out when one is trying to get across a crowded walkway, just to give people a heads-up to watch where they are going.)

Wife: *gleefully* “Duck Crossing!”

Teenager: “Oh! Look at all the chickens!”

Wife: “Ducks.”

Teenager: *to friend* “So many chickens!”

Wife: *losing all belief in our school system* “Ducks…”

Duck: *flies two yards to avoid getting trampled, starts pecking popcorn*

Teenager: *to friend* “Did you know [Theme Park] had chickens?!”

Duck: “Quack!”

Wife: *to the duck* “I know, right?”

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