Too Young To Be A Patron And To Drink It  

, , , , , | Right | January 17, 2020

(I’m an employee working box office on a busy Friday night. We’ve had two R-rated movies come out and, as you can imagine, a plethora of teenagers are trying to sneak in. I’ve already had to refuse several and report them to my managers as a risk. Our box office is small and there are only three of us.)

Other Employee: “No, you can’t see that movie if everyone doesn’t have ID.”

(The teenagers halt transactions on three cash registers and leave to talk in a huddle and return moments later.)

Customer: “I want tickets for [PG-13 movie].”

Me: “Of course. Do you have a student ID for a discount?”

Customer: “Why do I need ID? It’s PG-13?”

Me: “It is. I’m asking for a student card for a discount. You won’t have to pay as much.”

Customer: “No, I don’t have it.”

Me: “No problem; it’s going to be [total].”

(They pay and somehow end up back in front of me ten minutes later.)

Customer: “I want a refund?”

Me: “Was there a problem, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t want to watch it.”

(This is code for, “I tried to sneak into a different movie and got caught.” I know this because my manager told me.)

Me: *handing him a paper with some highlighted lines for our record* “Not a problem. Can I have you fill out the highlighted section for my record and I’ll get you your refund?”

Customer: “What’s Patrón—” *as in the tequila* “—signature?”

Me: “Pardon?”

(He points to the line.)

Me: “That’s ‘patron.’” *as in a customer*

Customer: “Yeah, what’s that?”

Me: “That’s you, sir.”

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Too Dumb To Be Pushed Ahead  

, , , | Right | January 3, 2020

Customer: “One to see Deadpool, please.”

Me: “Sure. It’s 15-rated, so do you have any ID?”

Customer: “No. I’m 15. I don’t have any ID.”

Me: “I’ll accept a photo of your passport if you can get your parents to send it to you?”

Customer: “I have my school textbooks that say I’m in year 11. You can’t be in year 11 unless you’re 15.”

Me: “That may be, but what if you got pushed ahead? What if you’re a super genius 13-year-old? How am I to know?”

(Weirdly enough, this usually works.)

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The Year Ended With A Karmic Bang

, , , , , , | Legal | December 31, 2019

I am working at the main railway station in Helsinki during New Year’s night when I spot two teenagers lighting up firecrackers and throwing them onto the street where people are walking. I approach them and sternly tell them to stop as they could hurt someone.

While I approach, they are still lighting one up. They throw it without looking, and where else would it land but next to a police car that has just arrived on patrol?

I leave the kids to discuss their actions with the police.

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Ah, The Flower Of Youth

, , , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2019

(I work at an answering service for flower shops. Occasionally, I work the late shift and get prank callers. I can tell these particular callers are a bunch of teens that sound a little high.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Flower Shop]. How may I help you?”

Teen: “Yeah… I need to order some flowers.”

(It’s obvious immediately due to his friends giggling in the background.)

Me: “All right, I’ll be glad to help you with that. What kind of flowers would you like to order?”

Teen: “Well…” *giggles* “What do you got?”

Me: “I have a lovely bouquet of roses.”

Teen: “Yeah, I’ll get that.”

Me: “Great! What color?”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers* “Red.”

Me: “Okay, so, that’s a dozen white roses.”

Teen: “Uh…” *whispers to his friends, giggles* “Yeah.”

Me: “Wonderful, would you like those tulips in a vase?”

Teen: “Huh? Uh… Wait… What?”

Me: “In a vase?”

Teen: “Oh.” *whispers, giggling* “Yeah, yeah…”

Me: “Great! So, that is two dozen blue daffodils in a box. Can I have your name?”

Teen: *click*

(I just sipped my coffee and waited for the next call.)

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Mom Is Going To Explode Before Neo-Tokyo

, , , , , , | Romantic | December 22, 2019

(As a fifteen-year-old, I love anime and frequently watch it with friends. This being the nineties, that means videotapes, usually from a mail-order or That One Weird Video Store. One night, when it is my turn to host, my family is watching a game on the main TV, so I snag the VCR and connect it to the TV in my room. Instead of three or four friends, only one — male — friend arrives. Fifteen minutes into the movie, my mom pops in:)

Mom: “Hey, kids, do you want some soda?”

Me: “No, thanks, we got some already.”

(Ten minutes later, she’s back:)

Mom: “We opened another bag of chips; do you want some?”

Friend: “Sure, thanks.”

(Fifteen minutes later:)

Mom: “We’re getting pizzas. Do you or [Friend] want anything in particular?”

Me: “Not if you’re getting the usual order.”

(Twenty minutes:)

Mom: “Here’s your pizza.”

Me: “We could have come down and gotten it ourselves, but thanks.”

(Once she’d left the last time, my friend burst out laughing so hard he was crying. I had no idea why my mom was being so solicitous until he explained that she thought we were, ahem, “watching anime,” wink-wink. The thought of taking advantage of my family’s distraction had never once crossed my mind — I mean, it was Akira. To this day, I’m not sure if Mom was hoping to catch us doing something or not. As evidenced by the above, I was a romantically oblivious teenager.)

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