Like, Hashtag Young People LOL

, , , , , | Working | March 16, 2018

(I work in a cafe that is situated inside a supermarket. I am inducting a new person who has informed me this is his first ever job. He is 16.)

Me: “You get free drinks throughout the day, a sandwich, and muffin, cookie, or cake of your choice with your break. So, you can pretty much live on coffee, if you want.”

Coworker: “Like, totes!”

Me: “What sort of drinks do you like?”

Coworker: “Like, everything! Like, I love coffee!”

Me: “Yeah, coffee is pretty good.”

Coworker: “#lols!” *pronounced “hashtag el-oh-els”*

(We continued with the induction and he was quite eager to get stuck in. We decided to put him on the register, and he did a good job, despite many people not really understanding his slang. I added him to our WhatsApp group at the end of our shift. He literally ends everything with, “lol,” and sends us so many pictures of random stuff, all with, “#me,” underneath. Most of us older employees have muted the group, along with some of the younger ones. They seem to understand him more. I just find it rather funny, though. I guess it’s an age thing, as he’s fine, otherwise.)

Your Stupidity Is Fluid

, , , , , | Working | March 5, 2018

(I’m sitting in the break room having a drink of water when one of the teenagers from the dairy department walks in.)

Teenager: “Again! You always drink water!”

Me: “…”

Teenager: “Don’t you know how to drink soda?”

Me: “I don’t imagine the required skill set differs greatly from that of drinking water.”

Daddy’s Little Monster

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2018

(I’ve just finished ringing up a teenage girl.)

Me: “Thank you. The bottom of your receipt has a survey. Fill that out for a chance to win a $250 gift card.”

Girl: “Why would I do that when I could just ask Daddy for money?”

Me: “I don’t know?”

Girl: “Exactly.” *flounces off with Waiakea water and Prada purse*

Zero Points For Creativity

, , , , , | Right | February 15, 2018

(I work at a thrift store. If you use your card to make a purchase, our registers let you sign the pad using a stylus. When you press “OK,” it briefly pops up a digital copy of your signature on our screen. Two boys in their late teens purchase some sports equipment. One scribbles on the pad, and then elbows his buddy and points to the screen in a not-so-subtle fashion, snickering all the while. His buddy cracks a huge grin, as well. I already know exactly what he’s done, so when a scribbled part of male anatomy pops up in lieu of his signature, I’m prepared. Keeping my face cheerfully Retail-Friendly, I print the kid a copy of his receipt and hand it to him, which contains a copy of his “art.”)

Me: “Thank you for shopping with us! Here’s your d**k-on-a-slip!”

(The kid’s eyes went huge for a second, and then both of them fled with their items and receipt. Maybe they didn’t expect the seemingly-innocent female cashier to give as good as she got? Or maybe they figured I would never actually see it? Who knows. And no, I didn’t get in trouble for it. My manager laughed hysterically, and I got a high-five from another female cashier, who said she would do her best to remember it if another customer tried that with her.)

Water Difference That Makes

, , , , | Healthy | February 13, 2018

(I am a medical lab scientist. I receive a urine sample from the ER to test only for drugs, marked as belonging to a fifteen-year-old boy. The sample is quite clear — if someone is really hydrated that can happen — and it’s cold. We usually receive urine still warm, but sometimes it sits while they decide if they want to test it for anything. It’s negative for all the street drugs we test for. I release the results and then, a bit later, I get a call from a nurse.)

Nurse: “Hi. I was just wondering about the drug screen for [Patient].”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Nurse: “Well, it was cold when he gave it to me, and I just don’t quite believe it’s negative. Is there anything you could do to find out if it was water?”

(I think for a moment and come up with a few fast things that I could do to find out whether or not it is water.)

Me: “Yeah, let me grab it and try something.”

(I do a really quick test and come up with something you would not expect for pee.)

Me: “Either this kid is in very severe kidney failure, or this is water.”

Nurse: “Thank you. I just graduated and passed my boards, so I’m still learning knowledge-versus-wisdom. Now I know when I feel like the urine feels cold, I should do something about it.”

Me: “Did you want me to credit those charges?”

Nurse: “Yes. We will be recollecting. And there will be a male care tech going in that bathroom with him.”

Me: *laughing* “I would imagine.”

(Once I get off the phone, I do some more chemical testing and learn that this sample has none of the chemical properties of urine. This kid didn’t even think to try the one where you dilute your actual pee with water — which we can also catch — or even to just put WARM water in the cup. It was straight, cold, tap-water. I walk across the lab to tell this one to the other lab scientists, one of whom is known for being extremely cynical about everything.)

Cynical Coworker: “That nurse is way too nice. I’d catheterize the kid. Teach him to never do that one again.”

(We then started a prizeless pool, guessing what the kid was on that he was trying to hide. In the end, the actual urine arrived, and it was positive for marijuana.)

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