Youth Is Wasted On The Young

, , , , | Friendly | September 2, 2019

(I’m riding on a tram opposite a mother and two teenage daughters. They are babbling about school and how long it takes.)

Teen: *with all the drama a girl that age can bring* “Fifteen years going to school? That really ruins your life.”

Me: “Honey, enjoy. After that, you need to work for 45 years. That is three times as much.”

Teen: *panicky* “And when is it time to enjoy life?”

(Her mother couldn’t contain her laughter anymore. Neither could I.)

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Her Attention Span Suck(er)

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2019

(My store sells candy individually or by weight. A woman has just set her by-weight candy on the counter when the teenage girl behind her picks up a sucker.)

Teen: “How much is this?”

Me: “Twenty-nine cents, plus tax.”

(She tries to hand me the sucker.)

Me: “I’ll be with you in a moment. I just need to ring her up first.”

(I pick up the woman’s candy. The teen girl attempts to hand me the sucker again.)

Me: “Just a moment.”

(I put the woman’s candy on the scale, and she attempts to hand me the sucker again. This continues to happen with EVERY step of ringing the woman out: weighing the candy, punching the price into the register, giving the woman her total, taking her money, giving back her change, and tying the bag up for her. Finally, I can actually take and ring up the sucker.)

Me: “Thirty-two cents, please.”

Teen: “You said twenty-nine.”

Me: “…plus tax.”

(She paid and left without a fuss, but I have no idea why she simply wouldn’t acknowledge that I was helping the woman standing between us!)

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This Story Is Rated “18”  

, , , , , , | Right | August 2, 2019

(I work in a small cinema in Bristol. Due to the release of a new horror movie, lots of people have been coming to watch it. I’ve just dealt with a large group when a girl who seems about twelve comes in, wearing a ton of blusher, deep red lipstick, and messy eyeliner.)

Me: “Oh, hello!” *smiles* “Can I ask what you are seeing today?”

Girl: “Oh, hi there! My girlfriends and I just had frozen yogurt and were bored. I think I’ll see… uh…” *pretends to make a big deal out of this* “Maybe… [Horror Movie]!”

Me: “Well, good choice, but can I see your ID, please?”

Girl: “Uh, what?”

Me: “Well, you must’ve realized that this film is rated eighteen and over, right?”

Girl: “Well, uh, I am eighteen!”

Me: “Sorry, kid, you have to be eighteen to watch this. Maybe you want to watch [Other PG Movies]?”

Girl: “NO! THOSE SUCK!”

(She screams and kicks a popcorn machine in the back of the cinema, and then, when she presses something, popcorn pours out all over the floor.)

Me: “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call your parents.”

Girl: “F*** you!”

(She runs out, and for a moment it completely silent, and then her mother storms in with her child.)

Girl: “She won’t let me see [Movie]!”

Mother: *glares at me* “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has destroyed our popcorn, verbally abused me, and faked her age. All I asked was for her ID, and when she failed to produce that, I gave her other options.”

Mother: “Really? Well, come along now, [Girl]. You’re grounded! Say sorry to the nice lady… now!”

Girl: “I’m sorry…”

(As they walked out, I hear the girl saying, “You stupid b****!” I didn’t mind, though, when the popcorn was restocked and cleared up, and the manager gave me and every other worker in the cinema a free bag of popcorn. I was the most popular person in the cinema! Also, the girl and her mother never came back — double win!)

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Having Cheap Parents Is A Wild Ride

, , , , , | Related | July 15, 2019

(My wife and I are waiting at a well-known theme park in Florida. There is a family beside us — a father, mother, and two teenage daughters. Everyone is waiting for the rope drop when we overhear the following exchange between the father and one of the teenage daughters.)

Teenage Daughter: “Ooh, I can’t wait to go on the rides. I’m not going on any of the scary rides.”

Father: “We’re going on all the rides.”

Teenage Daughter: “Not the scary ones.”

Father: “We’re going on all the rides.”

Teenage Daughter: “No, I’m not going on anything scary.”

Father: “You begged me to come here. I paid 800 f****** dollars for these tickets. You’re going on every f****** ride.”

Teenage Daughter: *now nearly crying* “But I don’t want to go on the scary ones.”

Father: *glaring* “Every f****** ride!”

(Welcome to the happiest place on earth.)

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This Turned Around In A Dash  

, , , , , | Legal | July 1, 2019

(I work second shift, so I get home around 1:00 am. It’s summer, so there’s no school, but teens still have a city curfew of 11:00 pm. I’m turning left onto my street after work, and I almost hit a teen who was crossing the street behind a stopped car, who I didn’t see until I was almost on top of him. Mr. Big Man flips me off, which I see in my rearview mirror. He must’ve watched which driveway I pulled into, because I get an unexpected visit the next morning at 9:00 am, when I’m pulled out of bed by a knock. I open the door, half asleep, to see a cop and the boy standing at my door.)

Cop: “Good morning. Is that your car outside?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Cop: “Did you hit this boy with that car last night?”

Me: “No.”

Teen: “She’s lying! Arrest her!”

Cop: *to the teen* “Shush.” *to me* “He says you did. How about we go to the station and get this cleared up?”

(The teen starts looking quite smug.)

Me: “Sure. Should I also bring along the dash cam video that shows this minor out after curfew, crossing the street in a dark area, and staring down at his phone the entire time, up until I almost hit him?”

(The teen’s smug face drops. The cop studies me for a couple of seconds, and then just gives me a single nod.)

Cop: “Thank you, that won’t be necessary. When my dear nephew here—“ *raises his hand to grasp the back of the teen’s neck* “—told me a car practically ran him off the road, I figured I’d better look into it. But I believe you, and I’ll make sure he has plenty to do to stay busy until school resumes. Have a nice day, miss.”

(They left, the cop still holding tight to his nephew’s neck, while the boy started begging his uncle to NOT tell Mom or his grandparents about this. Good luck, kid!)

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