The Customer Is Always Right But Their Children Are Worse

, , , , | Right | April 17, 2019

(We have a group of children running, squealing, and playing games all over our store. There are a teenage girl and boy with them; the girl is caring for a baby while the boy is egging the other children on. They are disturbing other customers and throwing stock around, and I’ve had enough, so I go after the teenage boy. I have already paged several times to request they stop running.)

Me: *behind him* “Uh, excuse me.” *he ignores me and walks away* “Excuse me.” *he walks faster* “YOU, IN THE [TYPE OF CLOTHING], STOP RIGHT THERE!” *he finally stops and turns to me* “I’ve already asked you and the children several times to stop running through the store. Can you—“

Teenage Boy: “It’s not me; it’s the others.”

(He walks away. I refrain from going after him as I’m ready to burst. As I turn, one of the younger boys runs into the aisle.)

Me: “Where are your parents?”

Younger Boy: “I’m with my cousins.”

Me: “Where are your parents?”

Younger Boy: “They aren’t here; I’m with my cousins.”

Me: “Let me guess. Your parents are in [Restaurant], aren’t they?”

(We often get children sent to play in our store so the parents can eat.)

Boy: “Yes.”

Me: “Thanks.”

(I tell another staff member that I am going to the restaurant for a moment. I see the boy run after his cousin. At the restaurant, I speak to the owner’s daughter.)

Me: “Do you have a family in here that’s now missing a bunch of kids? Because they are all running riot through our store.”

Owner: “I know exactly who you are talking about. Those kids are a f****** menace. You should just tell them to f*** off.”

Me: “I’d love to, but I need my job right now.”

Owner: “I’ve been telling them to f*** off all afternoon. I know the parents have heard me but they’ve done nothing. Just leave it with me. I am going to have some lovely words with them and I’m going to f****** well enjoy it.”

(Thankfully, I didn’t have to put up with the kids again; when I was heading back to the store I saw them going around the other side of the restaurant.)

She Is Not A National Treasure

, , , , , , | Right | April 15, 2019

(It is the Fourth of July weekend, and the SPCA in our town is running an adoption special. All adult dogs are $17.76 to adopt in honor of the holiday. I volunteer at this shelter, and my boyfriend and I have come to visit the dogs frequently. We’ve finally found one we love and fits with us, and we’re signing the adoption papers. This conversation happens with another member of the public at the front desk.)

Shelter Staff: “There you go, [My Name]! I’m so happy you guys finally found a dog you love, and for a great price!”

Me: “Yeah, Brandy is a great dog, and we can use the money we’re saving on her adoption fee to buy more stuff to spoil her with!”

Teenager: *standing in the lobby looking at the cats hanging out in a cage there* “How much are dogs this weekend?”

Shelter Staff: “They’re only $17.76 to adopt adult dogs! Did you want to look at one?”

Teenager: “I don’t get it. Why is it $17.76; is there tax or something?”

Me: “No… It’s Independence Day. $17.76 like the year? 1776? Declaration of Independence?”

Teenager: “Oh! Like that Nicolas Cage movie!”

Teenage Dream Turns Into A Nightmare

, , , , , , | Legal | April 3, 2019

(I’m working third shift in the control room at a police department, and it’s currently one in the morning. I have my main screen fixed on my sergeant, who is outside in the dimly-lit parking lot taking a smoke break. The parking lot is completely empty except for the cars belonging to the jail staff. She’s about to come back in when two teenage girls walk across the parking lot and ask her something. The sergeant shakes her head but leads them towards the main lobby door. They take a seat as the sergeant radios me.)

Sergeant: “[My Name], call Communications and have them dispatch [Patrol Sergeant] here. Those juveniles he’s been searching for have shown up.”

(I see the girls look at each other uneasily on the camera as the sergeant takes a seat between them and the door.)

Me: “Roger that.”

(I make the call, and not a minute later I see two patrol cars come flying into the parking lot. One officer jumps out of his car before it’s even parked. I turn on a speaker in the lobby just in time to hear:)

Patrol Sergeant:Where have you two been? And who have you been with?”

(The girls pretend to ignore him before the other deputy gets in their face.)


(Two more cars come flying into the parking lot, and an older couple, a young man, and a middle-aged woman come storming into the lobby. The sergeant takes that as her cue and comes back into the jail, shaking her head.)

Sergeant: “Stupid idiots. What the h*** were they thinking?”

Me: “Is everything okay, Sergeant?”

Sergeant: “Those two were the fifteen-year-olds that the deputies have been looking for all night. They decided to skip school but realized they missed their ride back afterward.”

Me: “But the high school dismisses at three pm! What were they doing? Just wandering around for the last ten hours?”

Sergeant: “I don’t know. What’s it looking like out there?”

(I look at the camera just in time to see the mother of [Girl #1] throw a book bag across the lobby while the other woman and the father are shouting and waving around a cell phone. The young man is turning red, and he yells at the girls before walking back outside. Meanwhile, the deputies are standing back shaking their heads.)

Me: “I think there is more to the story, Sergeant. The families look pissed off right now.”

(The next morning we got the full story from the deputies. The girls had skipped school to spend the day fooling around with their secret twenty-some-year-old boyfriends in the next county over. The plan had been for them to get back in time to catch the bus so no would know they were gone. Unfortunately, [Girl #1]’s mother had gone to pick her up early, and when they found out she had never shown up to school, they asked about [Girl #2], who is their neighbor. That’s when they realized that BOTH of them had not shown up for school at all and were reported missing. The young man was [Girl #2] brother, who had driven up from South Carolina to help their mom look for her, during his finals week, no less. The girls did end up missing their buses back, but it was because their boyfriends got them back late. Instead of owning up to it, they tried to find someone who could give them a ride and eventually gave up. After wandering around for hours, they saw the sergeant smoking in the parking lot and decided it was time to ask for help. When the parents arrived, everyone was already stressed out and pissed off. That’s when [Girl #1]’s mother — who is very conservative — saw hickeys on her daughter, and she lost it, throwing her book bag across the lobby. The dad was screaming because [Girl #2]’s mom had unlocked her daughter’s phone and found explicit photos of them with their boyfriends. The brother, realizing he missed an important final because of his sister’s booty call, snapped and walked out before he hit her. Last I heard, the boyfriends had been criminally charged and one of the girls had been sent to a private school.)

Getting Some Cash Back Flack

, , , , | Legal | April 2, 2019

(I work at a local Chinese restaurant in my town. It’s still summertime, so kids are out all day and, depending on the age, at night, too. Two kids, fifteen or so years old, come in and order two dinner combos, a bag of four chicken wings, and two drinks all for themselves. I tell them their total and they hand me a card. I slide the card through our machine and hand them a pen, and the receipt to sign. The kid with the card looks at me confused.)

Me: “You have to sign it.”

Kid #1: “Oh, okay.” *signs it on the line, then tries to take it*

Me: “I need that back, sorry.”

(He hands it back to me and then talks with his friend. I look at the name on the receipt and begin getting suspicious. Is it their card or a relative of theirs? After settling the order, he asks me if I would know how much was left on the card, like a gift card.)

Me: “No, I wouldn’t have that information because it’s not a gift card, and even if it was, my machine doesn’t tell us how much was left on it.”

Kid #1: “Oh, okay.” *pauses* “Can I get cash back?”

Me: “No, sorry, we don’t offer that.”

(I know that the business next to mine has an ATM they could use, but I don’t say anything. I walk to the kitchen where my boss is packing food for deliveries and takeouts, and I tell her I think the kids stole the card and fill her in on the questions they had asked. My boss goes to the front.)

Boss: “Hi. You guys wanted to know if you can get cash back right?”

Kid #1: “Yes, we did.”

Boss: “Okay, can I see the card for a second?”

(My boss pretends to be searching for an option in our machine for cash back but is actually looking at the name on the card.)

Boss: “Is this your dad’s card?”

Kid #2: “Yeah, it’s his dad’s card. He let us come and get food.”

Boss: “Okay, it looks like we can’t give you cash back. Sorry.”

Kid #1: “It’s okay. Thank you.”

(My boss opens up our cash drawer and writes on the receipt that it was the son that bought food, just in case. Her husband brings up their food and I ask them if they want sauces and forks. I give them what they want and they leave.)

Me: “I just wasn’t sure, and I know that you know the people around here better than I do so I figured I’d tell you. [Cardholder] didn’t seem like it would be them or anyone related to them.”

Boss: “It’s okay. I understand.”

(The next day, when I got to work, my boss told me that about a half an hour before I got there, the cardholder came in informing them that his card had, in fact, been stolen and the two kids had bought about $1100 worth of stuff on two separate websites other than our store. The police knew who the kids were after looking at our video cameras and ended up arresting them.)

Sweet Sixteen Comes After The F***-You Fifteen

, , , | Right | March 29, 2019

(At my race track, we require anybody under the age of sixteen to have a parent present to sign a release waiver so they can drive. Anyone sixteen and older can sign themselves up. When signing up, the system creates a driver profile which is pretty much just a name and date of birth. While some are “smart” enough to bypass the necessary signature by putting in their DOB wrong so they’re older in the system, most are honest when filling out their profiles. After getting several kids all signed up without a problem, all sixteen and older, the last one fills his profile out and the system lets me know his age once he’s finished.)

Me: “So! After getting you all signed up, we’ve hit a little snag. You, [Customer], are fifteen, correct?”

Customer: “Yeah?”

Me: “All right. Unfortunately, because you’re not sixteen yet, I need your parent to come in and sign off on you to drive before I can let you ride. After that, you’re set to go whenever, but the first time I need that signature. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Wait. What did I put as my birthday?”

Me: *knowing exactly where this is going* “[Date], 2001.”

Customer: “Oh. I meant to put 2002.”

Me: “Um… That would make you even younger, dude.”

(His friends start laughing a little, as does one of my coworkers, though he tries to hide it.)

Customer: “Oh. I didn’t mean 2002. I meant 2000.”

Me: “Seriously? You’re fifteen by your own admission. Just bring your parents in and you’ll be good to go.”

Customer: “F*** this. Let’s go guys.”

Coworker: *after they leave* “So… did that happen?”

Me: “Yup. Want to know the best part?”

Coworker: “What’s up?”

Me: “He turns sixteen in a week.”

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