Drowning In Butts

, , , , | Learning | December 15, 2019

(I’m taking a basic lifeguarding class at a public pool. This is the only pool in the area that offers these classes, so the other students and I don’t know each other very well because we come from different towns. It is a mixed-gender class, and I am a man. We’re learning how to use the life hook — a lifeguarding tool that you slide under a drowning person’s body and use to pull them to the edge of the pool. It’s my turn to practice with the life hook, and the “drowning” person is a woman. I successfully hook her and pull her to the edge of the pool, and then help her climb out. When she gets out of the pool, she immediately storms into the pool manager’s office. About ten minutes later, the pool manager comes out and asks to speak with me. I head into his office, and my “drowning” classmate is sitting there.)

Pool Manager: “Can you tell me what happened between you and [Classmate] earlier today?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Pool Manager: “[Classmate] tells me that you touched her butt multiple times today while she was in the pool. Is that true?”

Me: “What? Of course, it’s not true.”

Classmate: “Don’t lie! You know you grabbed my butt!”

Me: “I don’t know how I could have done anything like that. I don’t think we’ve even been within ten feet of each other besides the life hook practice.”

Classmate: “Exactly! You grabbed my butt with the hook!”

Pool Manager: “Wait a minute; what’s this about a hook?”

Me: “That’s what we’re learning about today. We were practicing using the life hook. [Classmate] was the one I was supposed to be rescuing.”

Pool Manager: “Wait, wait, wait. [Classmate], do you mean that he touched your butt with the hook while you were playing the drowning person?”

Classmate: “YES!”

Pool Manager: “Did he successfully pull you to the edge of the pool so you could climb out?”

Classmate: “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Pool Manager: “[Classmate]… that’s how the life hook works. You hook it underneath a person’s body so you can pull them to the edge of the pool.”

Classmate: “Well, he didn’t have to grab my butt to do it.”

Pool Manager: “[My Name], you’re free to head back to the class. [Classmate], please wait here for a minute while I talk to your instructors.”

(The next day, guess who we found out had been removed from the lifeguarding class?)

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Evolution Is Sliding Back

, , , | Right | December 7, 2019

(I’m a lifeguard for a couple of pools run by the local government. I’m working in the deep stand, which is the lifeguard stand directly next to the diving well. We allow adults to swim in the diving well during adult swim when the slide is closed.)

Swimmer: “Do you need to know how to swim to go in the well?”

Me: “Yes, it’s nine feet deep. You’d drown if you went in.”

Swimmer: “Yeah, a lifeguard saved me last week when I went in.”

Me: “Why’d you go in if you didn’t know how to swim?”

Swimmer: “The slide looked like fun and I thought I’d learn quickly.”

(She didn’t go in, but I still had to save someone else who went in despite not knowing how to swim. His comment afterward: “That was fun. Can I go back in now?”)

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Their Parenting Has Taken A Dive

, , , , | Right | October 27, 2019

(I am swimming at a public pool. I have just come up from under the water, and I hear a woman berating a lifeguard by the diving board.)

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to keep people safe.”

Woman #1: “Show me where it says in the rule book! It doesn’t say! People were doing it yesterday and no one said anything!”

Lifeguard: “I wasn’t here yesterday, so I don’t know about what happened then. But I know our training covers that this is not allowed.”

Woman #1: “Show me where it says in the rule book! If it’s against the rules, it should be posted!”

(After a few more minutes of arguing, the lifeguard goes to get the rule book. The woman beside me shares a look with me.)

Woman #2: “I saw the whole thing. Not only did they have someone waiting in the pool to catch the kid, they had someone else on the diving board because the kid was too small to really jump! If your kid is too young to be on the diving board himself, what makes you think it’s a good idea to throw him off?”

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H2Oh My

, , | Right | October 25, 2019

(The pool where I work is having a swim meet against a wealthier neighborhood pool. The concessions stand is incredibly swamped, except for at this very moment.)

Customer: “Hi! Could you fill this cup up?” *puts cup directly into my hand*

(We give out cups of ice for free and the customers fill them up at the water fountain themselves.)

Me: “Oh, sure. I’ll be right back!” *leaves and fills it up*

Customer: “Did you just fill this up at the water fountain outside?”

Me: “Yeah, we use that water because it is colder and tastes better than the tap water in here.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s why it tastes awful! Do you have any bottled water?”

Me: “Yes, for $1.25. The cup of ice is free.”

Customer: *sighs and storms off*

Me: *turns to my coworker who just overheard this* “The h*** was that for?”

Coworker: “Snobby rich parents require gourmet water, I guess. She should have just brought some from her own d*** pool.”

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Unfiltered Story #163264

, , | Unfiltered | September 16, 2019

(I work at a water park as a lifeguard. For safety reasons, we do not allow swimmers to wear face masks or goggles that cover the nose. During this interaction I am sitting on stand watching the wave pool.)
Guest: Why did you make my kid take off her goggles?
Me: Goggles that cover the nose are not allowed.
Guest: WHAT?!?! I didn’t see that rule anywhere! It said online that goggles are allowed!
(At this point the waves turn on and we are required to stand. It is very difficult to talk to someone while watching the wave pool so I signal my supervisor to come over.)
Supervisor: What’s going on?
Me: This man is angry because his kid can’t wear a face mask that covers the nose.
Supervisor: Sir, we do not allow face masks because, if your child drowns with the mask on and the lifeguard has to give rescue breaths or preform CPR, removing the mask is an extra step that takes time and could cost your child their life. This is why we do not allow swimmers to wear them.
Guest: This is ridiculous! I bought these goggles so my child could use them at this water park! There are no signs or rules saying this anywhere in this whole park! My kid should be allowed to wear these goggles!
Supervisor: Sir, our website has the pool rules posted. We also have signs with all the rules posted at the entrance to the park and at the front of the wave pool. If you continue to use the goggles we will have to confiscate them and we will ask you to leave the park.
Guest: *storms off muttering about goggles*