Being A Big Baby About It

, , , , , , | Related | March 25, 2019

(My husband and I both dislike children, so we didn’t invite any children to our wedding and we spread the word that we didn’t want any kids or babies there. Most family and friends were cool with it and either clubbed together to pay for a crèche service for the day or sent us their regrets that they wouldn’t be able to come. All fine, until I get a phone call from one of my cousins.)

Cousin: “I just heard that my baby isn’t invited to your wedding even though I am?!”

Me: “Sorry, but we’re not inviting any children or babies to our wedding.”

Cousin: “You selfish c***! What do you expect me to do?!”

Me: “Either find someone to look after your baby for the day or don’t come to the wedding. We understand that people who can’t be without their children for whatever reason won’t be able to come, and that’s totally fine.”

Cousin: “What are you going to do once you start having babies?! Huh?!”

Me: “We’re not having any kids, but that’s irrelevant. We don’t want children at our wedding, and we’re paying for it, so we can make the rules.”

Cousin: “F*** you, you selfish c***. I’ll turn up with my baby, anyway! You won’t notice she’s there; she’s quiet. The wedding isn’t about you! Selfish! Selfish!”

Me: “If you’re going be this insulting, then you’re uninvited, anyway.”

Cousin: “You can’t do that, and you can’t ban babies from a wedding! It’s not a real marriage if you’re not having kids, anyway, you stupid c***.” *hangs up*

(She DID, in fact, show up on the day of the wedding with her baby in tow, despite telling us via email she wouldn’t come to our “sham wedding” after that phone call. The rest of our guests told her to GTFO, so she ended up driving 40 miles home again right away! I only found out about this after the wedding, which went very well. We have a lovely, happy, childless marriage now.)

Unfiltered Story #144761

, , | Unfiltered | March 25, 2019

Me – Sorry your Membership card has expired so you cant have free coffee.
Customer – That’s crap I started my member ship last April.
Me – Its may now and it has expired.
Customer – Your lying.
I picked up the till and showed the screen of the date. Customer walks off not before kicking a trolley and hurting themselves

Very Loud Lies

, , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(A customer comes up to the customer service desk.)

Customer: “I need to make a complaint about that woman!” *points to colleague*

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. How can I help?”

Customer: “She was very abusive to me. She completely ignored me when I asked for help. Then she got right in my face, like this—“ *literally pushes her face into mine* “—and screamed that I was fat!”

Me: “Oh, my.”

Customer: “Yes, and I’ve fought anorexia for years! It’s very upsetting and I will need counselling that your company must pay for.”

Me: “I can certainly understand if she ignored you, but I sincerely doubt she shouted at you or called you fat.”

Customer: “Well, that is what she did! I demand retribution!”

(I call the colleague over with my pager and we have a conversation using sign language. The woman stares at us dumbfounded.)

Me: “My colleague says she has never seen you before.”

Customer: “But, you didn’t even speak to her. You just stood there making funny gestures!”

Me: *internally* “Really? You’ve never seen sign language?” *out loud* “She’s deaf, madam. She is incapable of speaking, which is why I know she didn’t call you fat.”


Me: “It’s two am and we are night staff. It’s rare any customer bothers to speak to us.”

(The customer shakes her head as though I’m speaking in riddles. She starts to leave before running back to me.)


(She turns to my colleague and screams — just screams, no words — in her face. My colleague just backs away and gestures that her breath stinks.)

Me: “Pagers vibrate. Now, get out before I call the police!”

(The customer became very aggressive and started assaulting one of the theft detectors at the entrance. By the time police arrived, two of the burly stockroom attendants had subdued her outside. It was here we learned that she had an anti-social behaviour order against her, which meant she wasn’t allowed to be outside during nighttime hours. She was swiftly arrested.)

Hope That Puncture Can Last 220 Miles

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2019

(I work in a tyre shop just off the main shopping street in a small holiday town. The town has a similar name to several other similarly-sized towns in the UK. One Saturday morning I take this phone call:)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve got a puncture; are you close to the high street?”

Me: “Yes, we’re about fifty metres off it. Turn down the side of the old, blue chapel and you’ll see us on your right.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m parked in the high street and I can’t see a chapel. I’m by the white tower.”

Me: *thinking he must mean our lighthouse, which is actually a little way out of town* “Okay, you need to head south, then at the roundabout take the third exit, and then turn right when you’ve passed the supermarket.”

Customer: *angrily* “WHAT? No! I’m in the high street now, I can see the white tower. Where are you?”

Me: “We’re about a mile from the lighthouse tower.”


Me: “Sir, I don’t know any white tower other than the lighthouse.”


Me: “I’ve lived here all my life and there is no white tower on the high street.”

Customer: “There’s a clock at the top of it! I passed a pub called The Star! THE WHITE TOWER!”

Me: *catches on, and hits Google* “Sir, you’ve phoned a company in Burnham on Sea, Somerset; you appear to be in Burnham on Crouch in Essex, 220 miles away…”

Customer: *hangs up*

(Still, he’s not the only one to have made the mistake. Our local paper printed a photo of the post office in the “wrong” Burnham recently!)

Unfiltered Story #144717

, , | Unfiltered | March 23, 2019

(I wok in a small retail store in England, we don’t have much room for all the products we can get and sell, most people come in to us for our advice on buying a item or accessories. Only the most popular items are held in regular stock and this usually gets us by, but I have this one customer who’s done this a couple of times, so I broke the news to him)

Me: Good afternoon, how can I help?

Customer: Hi yeah i’m looking for a underwater cable for my camera.
(The exact name of said cable escapes me but its something neither myself nor my colleges have ever heard of, nonetheless a very rare and unusual request)

Me: Oh sorry, we don’t sell those, but I can get you the  number of another company you can contact, i’m sure they’ll have exactly what you’re looking for, they operate out of London.
(As i’m looking through their website for a number I hear him mumble something under his breath)

Customer (Mumbling): They never have anything in this shop.

Me: Well, sir, here’s the number, and as to not having the item you require in stock i’m very sorry, but the item you are looking for is quite rare for a highstreet store to stock, we are a very small shop and all the stock room we have for products is what you can see hanging on the walls surrounding us and under the counter i’m standing behind.
If you were to call us before hand to check if we have the item you’re looking for in stock before you come here, i’m sure it wouldn’t be a wasted journey each time.
Enjoy the rest of your afternoon

Customer (Sheepishly): …Thanks.

As customer walk away, his wife turns her head and mouths “Sorry” at me.
I smile and nod politely.

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