(I am 20, but have been working at my appliance store since I was 16, so am pretty knowledgeable on the products. An elderly lady calls enquiring about a new washing machine. I talk her through all the various machines which I think suit her needs, going over spin speeds, load sizes, special programmes, etc. She agrees on a model and I arrange a delivery and take payment. The day of delivery arrives and I get a call from the lady, who is furious! She is ranting about what kind of idiots do we employ and suchlike. She calms down enough that I can get a word in and ask her what’s wrong.)

Customer: “The idiot who I spoke to sold me a laundry machine! I wanted A WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “The model we delivered you is a washing machine, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, it’s the wrong kind. I wanted a DISH WASHING MACHINE!”

Me: “…let me get the boss.”

(A few years ago I could see my company failing. As I have two small children, I decide to find another job with some stability. Towards the end I talk at great lengths with some of my team and try to get them to at least look at their options, but as the pay is higher than average, due to the bad reputation of the company for firing people, many of them ignore my advice and some ridicule me for going to somewhere else for less money. A year later, I get a message from one of my former team. He is a decent guy but utterly hopeless. Due to him being friends with the boss, he was never pulled up on his behaviour and was massively overpaid. But I still want to help him out.)

Ex-Coworker: “Hey, [My Name], did you hear the news?”

Me: “Hey, about the redundancies? Yeah, I heard. Are you affected?”

Ex-Coworker: “I don’t know yet. We will soon.”

Me: “That’s a shame; it really is. How is the job hunt?”

Ex-Coworker: “Oh, I haven’t started yet.”

Me: “Maybe worth looking soon. I mean, it is better to find something now then be desperate later.”

Ex-Coworker: “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

(I know this guy won’t bother; as much as I want him to sort himself out, I know he will struggle.)

Me: “Tell you what. I will send you over anything I find.”

Ex-Coworker: “That would be great, thanks!”

(Over the next couple of weeks I send a list of jobs, each of them are more suitable to his “skills.” I deal with recruitment companies anyway so I get them to take a look at his CV. I don’t hear anything for a couple of months until I get another message.)

Ex-Coworker: “Hey, [My Name].”

Me: “Hey! How are you?”

Ex-Coworker: “Not great. I found out I’m at risk.”

Me: “That sucks; how goes the job hunt?”

Ex-Coworker: “Okay, I guess. Those jobs you sent over weren’t really what I was looking for.”

Me: “Really? Why not?”

Ex-Coworker: “Well, if I’m going for a new job I want to get more money.”

Me: “More money? But you might not have a job in a couple of months.”

Ex-Coworker: “Yeah, well, I need to find a better job.”

(I was stunned. This guy knew that he struggled in his current job, he knew that he was overpaid, and that any more money would mean an even more challenging job. I just didn’t know how to respond. Eventually he signed off and said goodbye. I heard nothing from him again for months, later learning from another friend that he did lose his job, and that apparently I didn’t help him out and that I promised to get him a job. He still messages me time to time asking for work; I occasionally send him over vacancies. None of them are ever good enough.)

(My family and I are sitting in the garden having a barbecue. My father is celiac, meaning that giving him gluten is the equivalent of laying his intestines out on a road of broken glass and going over it with a steam roller. He has just finished cooking some gluten-free burgers.)

Me: *coughs* “These aren’t very pleasant.”

Dad: *laughs* “Of course not! They’re celiac. It’s not celiac if it doesn’t get stuck in your craw.”

Me: “Dude, your life f****** sucks.”

Dad: “I know. It’s gotten to the point now that if I’m eating something nice I have to look at the box to double check.” *recreates a suspicious look*

Mum: “I can’t believe people who aren’t celiac eat this. Put something else on.”

(She chucks what is left of her burger on the ground for the dog.)

Dad: “Nope! If I have to suffer, you have to suffer with me.”

Me: *quoting someone I don’t remember* “I once knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, rich food, and sex. He was healthy until the day he killed himself.”

(The dog then interrupts us by hacking in the corner, eventually sicking up the burger.)

Dad: “Well if the Labrador can’t stomach it, maybe I shouldn’t eat it either.”

Me: “If the Labrador can’t eat it, I think it technically counts as bio-waste.”

(The dog is fine.)

Friend: “Here.” *hands me a shovel*

Me: “Okay?”

Friend: “And stand here.” *moves me to behind a door*

Me: “What’s going on?”

Friend: “My sister gets home in a couple of minutes. I want to hit her over the head and flee.”

Me: “WHAT? I’m not doing that!”

Friend: “I thought you were my friend?”

Me: “Not enough of a friend to knock your sister out!”

Friend’s Mum: *in the Kitchen* “OH, PLEASE, HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH IT! MAYBE IT’LL KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO HIM!”

Friend: “SHUT UP!”

Me: “What the h*** is going on?”

Friend: “I want to get famous on YouTube, and I thought I would make a viral video like that Shovel Girl.”

Me: “…”

(I didn’t do it.)

(A customer comes to the desk as my colleague, to my left, informs their customer that they’ve taken a book out before.)

Customer: “I hate it when you lot tell me that.”

Me: “Oh. The computer tells us automatically and some people don’t remember what they’ve read, or don’t recognise the cover if it’s a reprint and don’t like to reread a book.”

Customer: “It’s none of your business what I read. I don’t think you should be able to see that.”

Me: *unsure if he’s joking* “Well, we see the books when you bring them to the desk anyway?”

Customer: *not listening* “Should be freedom of information or something like that…”

Me: “Well, I’ll try to remember not to tell you when you’ve taken a book out before. Did you want your other books renewed?”

Customer: “Yes, please. What ones do I have out?”

Me: *speechless*