(I am working on the customer service desk when a very angry woman comes up and demands to speak to a manager. I radio for one, after establishing that she doesn’t want my help, and the store manager is the one who answers. This was the exchange that I witness.)

Customer: “I’ve just been to your disabled toilet and there was no toilet roll, so I would like a refund.”

Manager: “I’m sorry about that, but what do you need a refund for exactly?”

Customer: “Well, because there was no toilet paper, I was forced to use my bra to wipe myself, so I would like the cost of my bra back.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, madam, but I am able to give you any money for that, as it was your choice to use that particular item. No one forced you to use it!”

Customer: “But it was expensive!”

Manager: “Then I suggest that you don’t use it as toilet paper!”

(He then walked away, leaving me desperately trying not to laugh at this woman! I don’t understand why she didn’t use either her underwear or sock if she was that desperate?! Why choose the item that requires the most effort to remove and costs the most money?!)

(It’s my last shift at the cafe/restaurant where I’ve been working and also my last shift in any sort of retail job before I go on to work in my chosen field. Two women are sat in the cafe already when this exchange takes place, their service dogs for the blind at their feet.)

(I’m talking to my colleague when a man comes up with his wife.)

Me: “Only 4 hours left of serving customers! FOREVER!”

Colleague: “You know, you’ll miss th-”

Man: “Oh, are dogs allowed in here now?”

Me: “No, of course not. This is a cafe.”

Man’s Wife: “Yes they are! There’s 2 over there!”

Me: “Those are service dogs, so the rule does not apply to them.”

Man’s Wife: “Why?! Why are they allowed in here?!”

Me: “Because those women need those dogs to HELP THEM TO SEE.”

Man: “Well, I have glasses, does that count?”

Me “… No. It does not count.”

Man: “Oh. You’re weird!” *Walks away*

Me: “…”

Colleague: “As I was saying, you know you’ll miss the stupid ones!”

Me: “Oh my days, yes, those ones I will miss!”

(I’m picking my sister up from the train. She just finished her final exams at university. She’s a history major.)

Me: “Hey! How are you doing? You look exhausted.”

Sister: “Hello, hey. I’m glad to be finished, truth be told! I started crying when I was looking over some dates yesterday because Abraham Lincoln died.”

Me: “You know what, I’m just not going to ask. I’ll get your bag.”

(Some time later, en route home, I look across and she’s got tears in her eyes.)

Me: “Hey, what’s wrong? Aren’t you happy you’re done?”

Sister: “I was thinking about Abraham Lincoln again.”

(Strange atmospheric conditions have caused the sky to turn deep red. Looking out the windows of the office, it’s like looking into a furnace.)

Coworker: “Isn’t there something in the Bible about the sky turning red? This could be the end of the world.”

Me: “If it is, do you think they’ll let us take the rest of the day off?”

(My family owns a takeaway which has been open for many years, of which me and my brothers are employed. It’s around about half 10 at night, coming to the end of a very very busy Saturday. An elderly woman phones up who had ordered during the rush hour)

Me: “Hello, [Business Name]?”
Customer: “Hello, I made a delivery order for [Address],”
Me: “Oh, hang on just a second” (I’m currently upstairs at this point, so I rush down to the computer. I take a minute to find her order receipt, and read it back to her.)
Customer: “I ordered a chicken curry, and there was very little chicken in it, there was God knows what meat you put into it.” (By this point, I tell her to wait again and explain to my parents who are also the chefs. It turns out that because it had gotten so busy, they had accidentally given her a beef curry)
Me: “I’m very sorry, but we were very busy and it turns out that we’ve accidentally given you a beef curry instead of a chicken curry. If you want, we can give you a proper one right now.”
Customer:”It’s half 10 in the night!”
Me: “Okay, well we can give you the difference off your next order.”
Customer: “I’ve been eating here for 4 years, I’m absolutely disgusted at the service I’ve received. Me and my family and all of the [Area where business is located] will never eat here again. I’ll be sure to write to the [Area of business newspaper] and tell everybody about it.”
Me: “Well, that’s your choice, and I’m very sad to see you go.”
Customer: “Well it is my choice. I don’t care how busy you are, it’s no excuse to put God knows what meat in a chicken curry.”
Me: “That’s not what I said though.”
Customer: “Good night.”
Me: “Good night.”

(It was quite clear that her husband was spoon feeding her what to say, as I could hear a man talking to her in the background. I edited the computer records so that when she rang up again, it would come up that she was banned and we haven’t heard from her since.)