(The chain I work for has the format of customers ordering from a catalogue and staff gather the order. I am sent to a different branch on short notice due to unforeseen circumstances and there only being two staff in the store. Owing to different shapes and sizes of store no two sites use the same layout.)

Customer: Get lost did you?

Me: Afraid so, I’m based in [my store] and am on loan for the day.

(The customer goes silent as I unload his goods)

Me: Have a lovely day!

Customer: *recovering* You too.

Customer: *whilst ordering their meal* “I want you to tell the chef that I am a vegetarian, so he needs to make sure to keep my food away from any meat.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, and what can we get for you today?”

Customer: “I want to start out with the French onion soup, and then I’ll have the poached oysters, and… Can I order dessert after I finish the mains if I feel like it?”

Me: *pausing for a moment* “Ma’am, you said you were vegetarian; we are unable to serve vegetarian poached oysters.”

Customer: *blank stare* “What do you mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, oysters are molluscs; they’re a meat product.”

Customer: *even blanker stare* “No. Oysters are a plant. They grow in the sea, like seaweed.”

Me: *not even sure what to say to this* “Ma’am, I am very sorry, but the oyster dish contains a meat product. Could I recommend our vegetarian lasagne? It’s on special today and is really excellent.”

Customer: *looking completely confused* “You’re sure there’s meat in the poached oysters?”

Me: “I can fetch the chef or management if you wish to discuss it with them.”

Customer: “But… why can’t you tell me what meat is in the poached oysters?”

(I tried to explain for some minutes more before fetching a supervisor to deal with it. I don’t get paid enough to explain the evolution of the mollusc to customers.)

Customer: *approaches the bar* “Hey, can I get a gluten-free lemonade, please?”

Me: *unfortunately pretty used to this now* “Ma’am, I can personally guarantee you that our lemonade does not contain gluten.”

Customer: “Oh, thank goodness. Gluten is just everywhere these days!”

(My dad and I are attending a game for our local football team and, as usual, it is more or less a sell-out. Visiting is a particularly popular London team and there are two fans behind us who seem particularly cocky about their team winning this game. During the match, things are neck and neck pretty early on, and at one stage, one of the opposing strikers is about to shoot the ball.)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s nailed it… It’s in!”

(The ball sails wide of the post.)

Fan #1: “What?! I was sure that was going in!”

(A couple of minutes later, the same player is about to shoot yet again.)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s nailed it… It’s in!”

(The ball flies over the crossbar. Later in that half, the same thing happens yet again.)

Fan #1: “HE’S NAILED IT! IT’S…”

(This time, the goalie saves it easily.)

Fan #2: “Maybe you should stop f****** saying that, you idiot! 

(One final time, right before the end of the half…)

Fan #1: “Oh, my God, he’s… 

Fan #2: “If you finish that bloody sentence, you’ll be missing your f****** teeth! 

(My team went on to win four to nothing, and those guys were very quiet for the rest of the game.)

(A woman comes into the movie theater before she has purchased any kind of ticket.)

Customer: “Can I use the toilet?”

Me: “Sorry. Bathrooms are for customer use only.”

Customer: *turning around and stomping her feet* “I could have been pregnant!”

Me: *under my breath* “But you’re not?”